Girl on phone: Did he actually try to kill you, or is this like the time at the supermarket when you thought the cashier was coming onto you because he touched your hand giving you change?
–Time Square
HR person: I don't want to whack her until I have to. But I probably will.
–Broadway
Little boy to mom: Mommy, what does it feel like to die?
–7th & Carroll, Park Slope
Well-dressed man on cell: I know, we need to make sure that none of them live.
–8th St & Broadway
Seven-year-old girl to mom, after being scolded: I'm going to kill you.
–4 Train
Long Island woman: Well, sure, it's a great place if you want to be raped and murdered every day.
–LIRR
Overheard by: Cori
Archive for April, 2009
Even Oprah's Tried Wednesday One-Liners
Guy sitting at bar: I live in the ghetto. And there's a lot of crackheads. But I'm not attracted to them.
–Mojito Loco, Brooklyn
Crackhead to gay boy: Yo, gay boy! When a crackhead asks you a question you answer!
–110th St Station
Guy to friend: The only reason I quit cigarettes was because crack ended up being cheaper.
–NYU Bobst Library
Girl on cell: Well, it's a good thing you didn't buy that crack then. (pause) Oh.
–Columbia University College Walk
How Many Weight Watchers Points Are in a Wednesday One-Liner?
Young man: You're fat because you need to release. Look at me, that's why I'm slim and sexy. I beat off every day.
–Prospect Heights, Brooklyn
Salesgirl to salesgirl friend: I wanna thank you for taking the time to repeatedly hit me in my arm fat and make it jiggle.
–Henri Bendel
Overheard by: Stephan Dion
Professor to class of girls: You guys are all thin (looks around classroom and notices there are some fat girls) …mostly.
–Fashion Institute of Technology
Suit to another: All I'm trying to say is, she's not tall enough for her weight.
–Uptown 6 Train
Overheard by: ednapontellier
Black girl: Fat people can do splits because they have no bones.
–Pizza Place, St. Mark's Place
Five-year-old to very overweight man while waiting for Thanksgiving Day parade: Are you one of the balloons?
–Broadway & 50th St
Overheard by: Peter
Is It Sick That I Wednesday on Their One-Liners?
Guy on phone: It's probably something beyond the bestiality in why you didn't get hired.
–4th & Lafayette
Overheard by: andy
Disembodied voice in crowd: Necrophilia, really?
–Times Square
Man: The thing is: my safety word is "No, harder, harder."
–NY Comic Con
Girl: No, seriously, my parents used to have like a harness and a leash for me, because I used to run away in the airport all the time.
–Fordham Law School
Girl to friend: Hot wax and genitals…either very good, or very, very bad.
–1st Ave & 11th St
Overheard by: Will
Guy: Great. She doesn't even know me and already she thinks I have a produce fetish.
–Whole Foods, Chelsea
Overheard by: Hunter (aka,
Wednesday One-Liners Burp the Worm
Teen girl: If you want to lose weight, watch a lot of porn. I'm serious, if you watch porn, you won't have to eat for hours. Oh, and masturbating burns a lot of calories, too.
–Brooklyn
Very upset drunk hobo, after conductor announces last stop: Your kickin' all these people out to wait for the next train, just so you can jerk off?
–Bowling Green Station
Street dancer: Everyone on earth was born as a result of an orgasm. Everyone masturbates. And if they say they don't, they're lying. Even the Pope masturbates!
–Union Square
Irish dude, throwing tea to the ground: It's not right, man! Asshole masturbated in my tea!
–Outside Starbucks
Teen thug: I wanna pleasure myself while writing an essay, what's the problem with that?
–Q Train
Overheard by: Robert G.
Or Do I Know You from Right Girl's Island?
Asian lady in geisha costume, passing out fliers: Lunch specials, grand opening, fresh sushi!
Black dude: Excuse me, but me and my friend had a bet…are you dressed like girls from the movie Memoirs of Engagement?
–53rd & Lexington
Overheard by: An
I Forget– Is Positive Good or Bad?
Cute girl #1: You opened her mail?!
Cute girl #2: No… Jesse opened it. He thought it was one of those stupid dentist card things they send in the mail.
Cute girl #1: At least you'll have a conversation starter next time you talk to her.
Cute girl #2: Oh, yeah. What am I suppose to say? “So, your pap/cervix test was positive?”?
–Bay Ridge
And Why Are You Wearing That Silly Human Suit?
Suit to man with cat on his head: Why is there a cat on your head?
Man with cat on his head: Why isn't there a cat on your head, douchebag?
–Union Square
I Will Now Proceed to Hum, “It's a Small World After All”
Post office girl to customer ringing bell: Holding the bell down ain't gonna make them come any faster.
Customer: I know, but at least it will annoy the fuck out of you.
–180th St. Post Office
American or Australian?
Breakfast cart guy: Do you have change for a $5?
Customer: No, sorry.
Breakfast cart guy, to hobo under blanket: Do you have singles for a $5?
Hobo: Me? Why are you asking me… (stops to think) Wait…as a matter of fact, I do!
–3rd Ave & 9th St
Overheard by: Hunter