Archive for April, 2009

Six Wednesday One-Liners Under

Girl on phone: Did he actually try to kill you, or is this like the time at the supermarket when you thought the cashier was coming onto you because he touched your hand giving you change?

–Time Square

HR person: I don't want to whack her until I have to. But I probably will.

–Broadway

Little boy to mom: Mommy, what does it feel like to die?

–7th & Carroll, Park Slope

Well-dressed man on cell: I know, we need to make sure that none of them live.

–8th St & Broadway

Seven-year-old girl to mom, after being scolded: I'm going to kill you.

–4 Train

Long Island woman: Well, sure, it's a great place if you want to be raped and murdered every day.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Cori

Even Oprah's Tried Wednesday One-Liners

Guy sitting at bar: I live in the ghetto. And there's a lot of crackheads. But I'm not attracted to them.

–Mojito Loco, Brooklyn

Crackhead to gay boy: Yo, gay boy! When a crackhead asks you a question you answer!

–110th St Station

Guy to friend: The only reason I quit cigarettes was because crack ended up being cheaper.

–NYU Bobst Library

Girl on cell: Well, it's a good thing you didn't buy that crack then. (pause) Oh.

–Columbia University College Walk

How Many Weight Watchers Points Are in a Wednesday One-Liner?

Young man: You're fat because you need to release. Look at me, that's why I'm slim and sexy. I beat off every day.

–Prospect Heights, Brooklyn

Salesgirl to salesgirl friend: I wanna thank you for taking the time to repeatedly hit me in my arm fat and make it jiggle.

–Henri Bendel

Overheard by: Stephan Dion

Professor to class of girls: You guys are all thin (looks around classroom and notices there are some fat girls) …mostly.

–Fashion Institute of Technology

Suit to another: All I'm trying to say is, she's not tall enough for her weight.

–Uptown 6 Train

Overheard by: ednapontellier

Black girl: Fat people can do splits because they have no bones.

–Pizza Place, St. Mark's Place

Five-year-old to very overweight man while waiting for Thanksgiving Day parade: Are you one of the balloons?

–Broadway & 50th St

Overheard by: Peter

Is It Sick That I Wednesday on Their One-Liners?

Guy on phone: It's probably something beyond the bestiality in why you didn't get hired.

–4th & Lafayette

Overheard by: andy

Disembodied voice in crowd: Necrophilia, really?

–Times Square

Man: The thing is: my safety word is "No, harder, harder."

–NY Comic Con

Girl: No, seriously, my parents used to have like a harness and a leash for me, because I used to run away in the airport all the time.

–Fordham Law School

Girl to friend: Hot wax and genitals…either very good, or very, very bad.

–1st Ave & 11th St

Overheard by: Will

Guy: Great. She doesn't even know me and already she thinks I have a produce fetish.

–Whole Foods, Chelsea

Overheard by: Hunter (aka,

Wednesday One-Liners Burp the Worm

Teen girl: If you want to lose weight, watch a lot of porn. I'm serious, if you watch porn, you won't have to eat for hours. Oh, and masturbating burns a lot of calories, too.

–Brooklyn

Very upset drunk hobo, after conductor announces last stop: Your kickin' all these people out to wait for the next train, just so you can jerk off?

–Bowling Green Station

Street dancer: Everyone on earth was born as a result of an orgasm. Everyone masturbates. And if they say they don't, they're lying. Even the Pope masturbates!

–Union Square

Irish dude, throwing tea to the ground: It's not right, man! Asshole masturbated in my tea!

–Outside Starbucks

Teen thug: I wanna pleasure myself while writing an essay, what's the problem with that?

–Q Train

Overheard by: Robert G.