Archive for July, 2009

Wednesday One-Glove-Liners

20-something female shopkeeper to coworker, as Michael Jackson's "Rock with You" plays on the radio: Did you hear he's sick? Apparently, he's in the hospital. I know, it's crazy. Can you imagine if he dies? If he dies, that'll be, like, the most awful thing to happen to America in years! –Pet Food Store Overheard by: Nathalie Suit on cell: What if Michael Jackson sucking your dick was the cure for cancer? –8th & Broadway Man, lighting cigarette: So what'd he die from? A sunburn? –Chambers St. & West Broadway Middle aged black lady on cell: If you can get Michael Jackson on a condom box it would definitely sell. –MacDougal & 8th St Nine-year-old boy, pointing to a newspaper article, to younger sister: Oh yeah, that guy? He was fifty. He used to be a black guy but made himself become white. –Canal & Orchard, Chinatown Overheard by: Lauren T. Large tattooed man, discussing Michael Jackson: One of those kids is his; the other two can't be, they're white. They were all unofficially inseminated, though. –Delancey & Essex

Nice Wednesday One-Liners Finish Last

30-something woman on cell: And then he says to me "you have a very nice placenta!" –85th & 3rd Overheard by: Whitney Simmons Shoe shine guy to woman walking by: Nice boots! Nice hat! You sure got a lot of nice things, lady! –47th & 6th Overheard by: CreateEvity NYU girl on cell: Ew! Emma? I can't believe a guy is interested in Emma! I know she's nice, but that's just gross. I really just cannot believe anyone could possibly be attracted to her! She's so ugly! –Washington Square Park Enthusiastic Jewish lady in jury room: He's very nice! He's very nice! He's going to be a *happy* archbishop! –Centre St Overheard by: Harriet Vane Three-year-old girl: Don't be sassy, mommy, daddy's being nice. –Front St. Overheard by: Aviva Older black man to circle of friends: I'll bend her over a bench and stick it into her! You know–I'm a nice guy. –Flatbush & Lincoln

Wednesday One-Liners Aspire to Be Betty White

Old dog lady, smoking: Me, I've already been spayed. –Dog Adoption Booth, Brooklyn Overheard by: PrairieSquid Old woman to another: Darling, I didn't know your husband was still alive! –Restaurant, Upper East Side Elderly black woman, yelling to line of cars honking their horns for Puerto Rican Day parade: Get yo punk asses back to 5th Ave! –Grand & Graham Elderly woman, complaining to physical therapist: I keep walkin' like I'm drunk (pause) Cause I am drunk. –12th & University Overheard by: tbs Old lady, after being knocked down by man on bike: You know what… Go to hell! (giggles to herself) I haven't said that in a looong time. –Union Square Overheard by: letthesunshine

Wednesday One-Liners by Dr. Ruth

Woman to male companion: I told you about that guy I accidentally slept with, right? –Bar at Sushi Samba, 7th Ave Overheard by: David Russo Girl to friend: Because it is more than just, sexual, you know? (pause) Well, actually, it's not, but… –14th b/w 6th & 7th Man to woman: You know Mesopotamian sex? That's me. –Washington Square Park Man walking dog on cell: My number one conquest since coming here was a 21-year-old Native American. –27th & Broadway Girl on cell: Mom, how am I supposed to have sex on a bed that has wheels? –15th St & 8th Ave Overheard by: Steve Hofstetter Guy: So I fucked her on a bench, but I didn't finish, because I kept telling her about my girlfriend and how much I love her. So she got pissed of and took a taxi home to her parents. –5th Ave 40-something man: Just tell that landlord that you don't need no electricity or no cable because you gonna be makin' love all the damn time! –14th St & 1st Ave Overheard by: tracey

I Guess I Just Wasn't Feeling Saucy!

Preppy fake blonde #1, coming out of gift shop: Well, you should have gotten the spaghetti!
Preppy fake blonde #2, coming out of gift shop: I didn't want the fucking spaghetti! And besides, my dad told me not to get the fucking spaghetti.
Preppy blonde #1: Wait a minute! Your dad said the f-word?
Preppy blonde #2: No! I just put that on for emphasis!
Preppy blonde #1: Well, that's false quoting!
(long pause)
Preppy blonde #2: That still doesn't explain why you didn't get the spaghetti. –The Met Overheard by: Kat