Archive for August, 2009

It Made Finding a Prom Date Easy

Teenage boy, making out with girlfriend: Did you know my mom and I are only 15 years apart?
Teenage girlfriend: No way, that must have been really hard.
Teenage boy: No, it's good to be a young mom.
(making out resumes)

–7 Train

Headline by: Botticus

Runners-Up:
· “I’ll Show You in 9 Months” – Sandy Paws

· “In Fact, It’s Bit Of a Family Tradition” – Traditionalist
· “Please Tell Me This Isn’t What Inspired Gilmore Girls” – katenonymous
· “Psychologists Call This “Priming”” – chuck


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-Liners Feel a Lot Better Now

Guy to friends: A girl farted on my head once, and I dated her for three years.

–14th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: MC

Woman to friend: And then he farted in my mouth.

–Ding Dong Lounge

Overheard by: Rosalind

Hobo, farting loudly, turning at girl walking behind him: That's for you, you fucking bitch!

–Yellow Line Subway Station

Overheard by: Craigalanche

Latina on cell, firmly: I'm not bi-curious, I'm just fart-curious

–49th & 5th

Overheard by: olga

Crazy hobo: Once, I was eating Cracker Jacks, you know, the one with the prize in it? When I finished the box, I farted in it, then sealed it up again. When I opened it a week later, I got the surprise of my life!

–1 Train

Overheard by: nella

Wednesday One-Liners: Soon to Be Gentrified

Ghetto woman on cell: No, no… he ain't ghetto. He ghetto fabulous.

–28th & Lexington

Ditzy tourist: Did you know that, like, all the trains with numbers go to all the rich places and all the trains with letters, like, go to the ghetto areas.

–6 Train

Loud guy: Is that a 50 cent soda? You know you in the ghetto when you got a 50 cent soda.

–Jackson Heights

Woman on cell: That bitch is mad ghetto. She wore her wedding dress to work.

–Lenox & 118th St

Overheard by: K

Wednesday One-Liners, Literally

Man on cell, authoritatively: Ejaculate!

–14th b/w 3rd & 4th

Mother to curious little girl reaching out to touch Wall Street bull's testicles: No! (yanks her away)

–Bowling Green

Woman shouting across a grassy field: Slutbots!

–McCarren Park, Brooklyn

(intercom beeps 10 times)
Train conductor, over intercom
: Shit.

(intercom continues to beep)

–Hudson Line Train

Man on bike speeding along Brooklyn Bridge walkway: Pussyhoooollleeeeee!

–Brooklyn Bridge

Quiet, older gentleman sipping coffee, leafing through newspaper: Motherfuckers!

–Barnes & Noble Coffee Bar, Broadway

Overheard by: Suze V

Wednesdays Have “The Last Supper” on Their One-Liners

Guy: Do I look like I ordered strawberries and cream? I have tattoos on my head and face!

–Starbucks

Being a full-time tranny is like having a tattoo on your forehead. Like, you can't work, like, what do you do?

–Brooklyn

Customer to another, about barber: Take him for example, he was in the special forces. He's got a big tattoo on his arm that says, "Kill 'em all, let god sort 'em out." Drop him off in Prospect Park today and tomorrow he'll be eating a sandwich.

–Park Slope Barber Shop

Overheard by: ian daywalker

Chatty young woman to bored-looking guy friend: You know, my shoes would really look a lot better if I had a foot tattoo.

–D Train

Man with tattoo that reads "don't go to hell" to friend: There's a funny story behind this tattoo. I was dating this bitch, and she would wake up every morning and suck my dick. Or fuck the shit out of me. And then tell me I was going to hell. You have no idea what this bitch put me through. I mean, sexually, she was great. We'd go out to bars and both of us would pick up chicks, so that by the end of the night we'd have two or three women hanging around us trying to go home with us.

–Chipotle

Overheard by: Jana

The Wednesday One-Liner Diet Doesn't Work

Little girl to sister: It has 140 calories in it, that could like… kill you.

–Food Emporium, 68th & Broadway

Blonde girl on phone: Yeah, I need to lose like 30 pounds but the problem is that I got my body used to food.

–224th St & Jamaica Avenue

Teen girl, after being caught with empty beer cans: No! Trust me, it wasn't me. I don't drink beer, it has way too many calories!

–Park Slope

40-something mom to chubby daughter with YMCA gymnastics shirt: Don't eat here, go to CVS! Get some mints… you'll be fine.

–Wendy's At Metropolitan Ave. and Woodhaven Blvd, Queens

Overheard by: D. Scibe

Very old, overweight mother to old less overweight daughter: I need to lose 20 pounds, but you, you need to lose 40 pounds. When you're as skinny as her (points at woman working at register), then I'll buy you carrot cake!

–168th & Broadway

Overheard by: Alison R.

Women in Morbidly obesity couple walking hand in hand. The woman says "harry, I hate it when we're on separate starvation schedules."

–7th St & First Ave

Wednesday Too-Soon-Liners

American tourist on phone: So, I've just been to ground zero and it's like totally overrated; it's just a hole in the ground.

–Central park

Sensitive guy: She's probably the number one cause of post-traumatic stress syndrome since 9/11!

–Restaurant, 46th St & 9th Ave

Overheard by: TheGreenCat

Man, looking out window: Looks like they are building something.

–WTC Path Station

Tourist: That building is really tall, I think it's the World Crade Center!

–Brooklyn Bridge

Cheerful tourist dad taking photo of tourist family: Smile and say 9/11!

–Battery Park

Overheard by: CJW