Archive for October, 2009

Wednesday One-Liners Make Your Eyes Water

Young man to another: And I was like, "No, man. A girl ain't supposed to smell like that, yo." –Broadway & 37th St Overheard by: glm Loud Long Island woman to drunk friends: Yeah, I got really used to that smell once he came back from Nepal… –LIRR Guy to girl: I don't want to bring home a girl who smells like urine. –36th & 5th Hipster 20-something to preteen sister: This does not smell like Costa Rica! (pauses, as though to make sure) 14th Street in New York City does not smell like Costa Rica! –14th St & 7th Ave Overheard by: David Man complaining to friend: If she does that one more time… I mean, if that bitch comes home one more time with her breath smelling like some other guy's dick, I swear to fucking god… I'll leave her. –Times Square Overheard by: drekdude

Wednesday One-Liners Are Another Year Older but None the Wiser

20-something: I didn't even realize it was my birthday until I checked Facebook! –Upper West Side Overheard by: mtrainetiquette Girl to friend: We should celebrate tonight–it's my half birthday in 10 days. –Crocodile Lounge, E 14th St Tourist: See nobody is wearing birthday scars… –34th St & 5th Ave Guy to girl: Wait, did you really believe I was going to get you a Hello Kitty vibrator for your birthday? –45th & 8th Drunk girl to hobo: It's my birthday! You should be giving *me* money! –111 & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Were “Working Late”

Girl on phone: I'm so sick of this! He keeps making excuses not to see me! I feel like I'm being used! (pause) No, really. (pause) I just can't deal anymore! We only hang out when he wants sex! (pause) And his excuses! Ohmigod! They are getting so lame. (pause) If it's not his work or boss, it's his nanny or his wife or his kid. (pause) I mean… what's his deal? –Broadway & 20th St Overheard by: Cali in NYC Hispanic woman: And meanwhile the husband is in fucking Iraq, and she cheats on him with the UPS guy! What can brown do for you! –7th Ave, Park Slope Suit on cell: The love, the dirty sex, and the money… It's all going so well, and yet so sneaky. (hangs up, then dials another number) Mary, I think he's finding out… (pause) It's not my fault I am fucking my best friend's wife. –79th St & Madison Overheard by: Anna Girl yapping on cell: It was amazing. I mean, I looked hot. (pause) Yes, I wore the naked dress. He took one look at me and had the "Uh-oh, can't control myself" expression. (pause) No, girl, his fucking wife is in town! I mean, whatever. –51st St & Lexington Ave Woman: He cheated… On JDate! –26th & 8th

We Applaud Our Submitter's Use Of the Word “Corpulent”

Corpulent 70-something gentleman, walking up to reception desk of upscale restaurant: I think I should get an awahd for wearing this shoyt today. You know who dis is? Died 50 yeahs ago on this exact day. Da greatest jazz singah of all time: Billie Holiday.
(reception staff stares blankly)
Corpulent 70-something gentleman: You nevah hoyd of her?! –Nougatine Room Overheard by: Andrew

I'm Pretty Sure It Was the Mustache

20-something Midwestern actress type transplant #1: Yeah, I was told by one of my drama teachers once, way back in school, that I had the “passion and commitment to theater” that Hitler had.
(five-second pause)
20-something Midwestern actress type transplant #2: Wow!
20-something Midwestern actress type transplant #1: No, it wasn't a compliment, she didn't like me very much. –Chinese Restaurant, Astoria