Archive for December, 2009

That Advil Commercial That Never Made It to TV

Woman to man she just met: I live in Brooklyn, and I'm on my way to see my man in the Bronx. My mother said to me, “must be some kinda love if you travel all the way to the Bronx for a man!”
Man: Uh-huh! That's right! It's got to be good lovin', too!
Woman: You know what I'm saying? Don't talk to me 'bout no headache, 'cause I can't do this everyday!

–1 Train

Wednesday One-Liners Reach Maximum Occupancy

Professor: All the buildings in Florence are five stories high, because they were built before elevators, and that's how many stories you can walk up with groceries before you die.

–Fordham University

20-something tourist girl to family, about subway: It's like an elevator, but opposite.

–N Train

Bimbette: I, like, ran into them in the elevator and they, like, literally gang-banged me.

–Astoria

20-something woman: Do you think he ever found out I didn't fall down an elevator shaft?

–F Train

Wednesday One-Liners With Teardrop Tattoos

Tall thug to another: Yo,… I love jail food!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Never had it

Dad to overly excited daughter: Yes, you can tell your mom you went in the bouncy castle in front of the prison.

–Atlantic & Smith

Screaming four-year-old to mom: Are you going to put me in jail?

–Q Train

Young mother to baby, pinching his cheeks: Daddy's in prison! Prisonprisonprisonprisonprison!

–Jackson Heights, Queens

Overheard by: Giving up all hope Newsbunny

Wednesday Smells So Bad, One-Liners Can Taste It

Ponytailed girl on cell, excitedly: Maybe you have, like, bacterial vaginosis or something! Yeah! That would explain it. No, you don't wanna smell like cinnamon down there, cinnamon toast crotch!

–86th & Lexington

Girl, walking onto stinky train car: Oh, shit, yo! It smells like a whole mess of hot ass up in this piece.

–L Train

Loud singing teen, stopping in mid-song: Damn! Somebody smell like soup!

–F Train

Overheard by: bpm

Smelly woman on elevator: I'ma kick that man's butt. I don't smell that strong!

–Office Building, Harlem

Overheard by: Liz

Man: This place smells like venereal disease!

–Port Authority Subway Tunnel

Overheard by: Courtney

Guy on cell: Who knows what I can do now that I don't smell like dogshit. The sky is the limit. (pause) Yeah, no more living in fear!

–27th & 5th