Archive for December, 2009

That Advil Commercial That Never Made It to TV

Woman to man she just met: I live in Brooklyn, and I'm on my way to see my man in the Bronx. My mother said to me, “must be some kinda love if you travel all the way to the Bronx for a man!”
Man: Uh-huh! That's right! It's got to be good lovin', too!
Woman: You know what I'm saying? Don't talk to me 'bout no headache, 'cause I can't do this everyday! –1 Train

Wednesday One-Liners With Teardrop Tattoos

Tall thug to another: Yo,… I love jail food! –Times Square Overheard by: Never had it Dad to overly excited daughter: Yes, you can tell your mom you went in the bouncy castle in front of the prison. –Atlantic & Smith Screaming four-year-old to mom: Are you going to put me in jail? –Q Train Young mother to baby, pinching his cheeks: Daddy's in prison! Prisonprisonprisonprisonprison! –Jackson Heights, Queens Overheard by: Giving up all hope Newsbunny

Wednesday Smells So Bad, One-Liners Can Taste It

Ponytailed girl on cell, excitedly: Maybe you have, like, bacterial vaginosis or something! Yeah! That would explain it. No, you don't wanna smell like cinnamon down there, cinnamon toast crotch! –86th & Lexington Girl, walking onto stinky train car: Oh, shit, yo! It smells like a whole mess of hot ass up in this piece. –L Train Loud singing teen, stopping in mid-song: Damn! Somebody smell like soup! –F Train Overheard by: bpm Smelly woman on elevator: I'ma kick that man's butt. I don't smell that strong! –Office Building, Harlem Overheard by: Liz Man: This place smells like venereal disease! –Port Authority Subway Tunnel Overheard by: Courtney Guy on cell: Who knows what I can do now that I don't smell like dogshit. The sky is the limit. (pause) Yeah, no more living in fear! –27th & 5th

Wednesday One-Liners Are Going Through a Stage

Theater geek: So I was looking at auditions for this post-apocalyptic drama, and the ad said, "we're looking for men, all shapes and sizes. Actually no, you have to be ridiculously skinny, totally emaciated, on the verge of death. And… oh yeah, you have to have stringy hair. And be really bony. And my dad said, "you definitely need to try out for this!" –TKTS Booth, Times Square Overheard by: Not Emaciated Guy: No, I didn't do the graphics–I mean, the play's about Adam and Eve, but do they put naked people on the postcard to sell tickets? No, they have a cartoon of an apple. I don't understand. –Minetta Lane Theater Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster Bathroom attendant at West Side Story: C'mon, people! Short line, long intermission! (toilet flushes) Hear that? That's music to somebody's bladder! –Palace Theatre Overheard by: Maggie Audience member, at interval of Aida: Hey, this is better than Grease! –Metropolitan Opera Disgruntled usher: I swear by every god of Jupiter that these are your seats. –The Ambassador Theatre, 49th & Broadway Overheard by: The Moons of Jupiter Were Already Spoken For

Wednesday Undie-Liners

Guy: Oh, man! It is not a good day to be my underwear! –Wine Store, 75th & Amsterdam Overheard by: Raven 10-year-old to little brother: Hey! C'mere! You wanna play Captain Underpants? –Brooklyn Overheard by: dogboy Guy on cell: I'm not paying her to smell your underwear! –57th St & Broadway Overheard by: Lagsalot Loud older gentleman watching people at subway entrance: They don't wear brassieres anymore! –23rd St & 6th Ave Overheard by: Zombie Boyfriend Older lady in funeral procession behind bag piper wearing kilt: I looked. He's wearing underpants. –120th & Broadway