Archive for 2009

Judge Us by the Hotdogs in Our Hands and the Beer Spouting From Our Hats

Chick leaving bar to friend: That's it, I have given up on New York men!
Guy in Yankees shirt: Hey! Don't judge us by guys from Queens.

–Bohemian Beer Garden, Astoria

Overheard by: Mike H

Headline by: Nicola

Runners-Up:
· “…but by Our Slick Taste in T-Shirts!” – Ijudgeyou
· “His Argument Would Carry More Weight If He Wasn’t Peeing Against a Brick Wall at the Time” – James
· “It’s Like Judging Americans by George Bush” – Allison
· “Just by Guys Who Hang Out in Queens” – From Brooklyn
· “Otherwise You’d All Be Lesbians” – Katie Darling
· “There Are Four More Boroughs Waiting to Disappoint You” – AngusM


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

We Like to Think Of It As Our Elephant in the Room

Woman #1: I did that walk once when the subway was out.
Woman #2: It's good exercise. So, me and my friend decided that we need to exercise at least twenty minutes a day. For motivation, we decided that for each day we don't get at least twenty minutes in, we will donate $10 to the Republican National Committee. It's very motivating.

–Hudson & Houston

We Were Told There'd Be No Math on This Wednesday One-Liner

Girl on cell: I would have had to study way a lot more to do better on that exam.

–72nd St & Broadway

Student: I cheated on every test in that class…I even cheated on the survey!

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Liz

Guy: I can't decide which song to listen to. (girls around him look at him quizzically) No, I normally listen to Van Halen's Right Now before a test, but this is my first exam in law school, and I want to set a precedent.

–Fordham Law School Cafeteria, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: pumpkin

Guy on phone: Yeah, normally in these situations I'd knock on my head, but I need my brain for the test today, so I'm not going to pretend it's wood.

–Ditmars & 31st St

Overheard by: Natalie

Student on phone: So what? I don't care that they're mad at me for getting pregnant again. I've got bigger things to deal with…two finals in one day.

–Fordham University, Rose Hill

Proctor: Okay, now don't leave any of the answers blank, cause it will be wrong. If you don't know, take a guess. It's like lotto: "Hey, you never know."

–New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene

Overheard by: Kristina

If You're Wednesday and You Know It, Clap Your One-Liners!

Man: Is this the happy train? (no reply) Oh, this is the depressed train. Who wants spare change?

–N Train

Overheard by: ellen.

Big old Russian guy: So vhy you drink? You drink ven you are happy, and you drink ven you are sad. Me, I am either happy, or I am sad. So me, I am drinking all the time!

–Deli, 83rd & York

Overheard by: Zinny

Large woman on cell: I wanted to suck away your happiness, do you understand? I just wanted to suck it away!

–Grand Central Station

Girl on cell: Yeah, no. So then he pulls the rubber duck out of his (lowers voice) ass and says he loves me. Yeah, for the first time, I was so happy…

–B Train

On Dark Nights, Wednesday One-Liners Walk the Streets

50-something suit on cell: So, are you coming or do you have to zombie-proof the apartment again?

–Downtown 6 Train

Youngish guy all in black: Vampires are so 90s. (female companion nods emphatically)

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: Emily

Guy yelling to people dressed as zombies: Are there any fine zombies there that want to suck my dick?

–Union Square

Girl in Santa costume: Where are my fucking elves?!

–LaGuardia High School

Teen girl to friend: Well there are so many leprechauns at that school anyway, what do you really expect?

–Xavier High School

Overheard by: isa

Too Many Wednesday One-Liners to Count

Loud obnoxious girl in movie theater: Oh yeah, I confuse a billion and a million all the time.

–Union Square Movie Theatre

College student to friend: Yo, I know doctors that are making mad money but are still behind because of their student loans! One of them told me that I should go to a CUNY or SUNY for my undergrad, then spend the big bucks at a private college for my grad. Yo, it costs $200,000 to go to school, that's like half a million dollars!

–E Train

Overheard by: hopefully he won't be measuring doses

Creepy bald tattooed guy: 30% of communication is verbal. (creepy lady nods) And that means that the other 60% is done with our bodies…I've done the research it's incredible.

–Spring St & Greene St

Overheard by: Seth

Girl on phone: Yeah, so everyone else had like 3, or 5, and I had 75.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Jenn

Blonde teen on cell: 12 is not a baker's dozen, it's only a dozen. A baker's dozen is like 144. I've only slept with twelve guys, okay? Get off my back!

–Amsterdam Ave b/w 90th & 91st