Archive for 2009

On the Plus Side, I Get Tons Of Days Off for All Sorts Of Random Holidays

Overly enthusiastic customer: So I heard that they are coming out with a 32 gb iPhone for Christmas. Like a red product thing for Christmas. Is that true?
Overly perky Apple employee: Well, sir, I wouldn't know because I'm Jewish and whenever they have Christmas meetings, they kick me out of the room. –Apple Store SoHo, Prince & Greene St Overheard by: are they allowed to say that?

Bristol Palin's Abstinence-Based Pregnancy Filled a Good Six Months

Preppy girl: Oh my god! I swear, she's like the biggest prep I have ever seen in my entire life!
Man, sitting down: I got my share of irony for today. –Q16 Bus Headline by: EddieA Runners-Up:
· “And I Didn’t Have to Wait for the L or the J” – Elsie Norma
· “And I Haven’t Even Been to Williamsburg Yet” – Kaitlen
· “Beats the Shit Out Of That Whole “Black Fly in Your Chardonnay” Thing” – mac
· “It’s Because She’s Blind, Right?” – tatts
· “Take THAT Alanis Morissette” – my meter’s pegged
· “That Day Bob Realized He Didn’t Need the Supplements After All” – subtleglow
· “Yeah, but She Had TWO Sweaters Over Her Shoulders” – Mary
· “You Need to Build Up Hipster-Level Tolerances to Handle Stuff Like This” – Jeff
Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday Doesn't Know a Single One-Liner Here Tonight

Girl to friend: This party is going to be awesome! Wait. We have to stop somewhere on the way…I gotta pee before I put out tonight. –Montrose & Graham Dude: Do you even know what an Animal Collective Listening Party means in the rest of the country? –Animal Collective Album Listening Party, River Room, Harlem Overheard by: care bear stare Girl: I think it's okay if she parties, as long as it's with a bunch of Christians. –West 4th b/w 6th & MacDougal Girl to friend: There's this party in the East Village. It's called "Spit." I'll tell you next time I go. It's on Fridays. But my gawd, these guys are cokeheads. I ended up with ten of them in my apartment last week. –8th & 18th Overheard by: Sebastian White Chick on cell: Do parties *count* if there's nothing but necking and spanking and nipple-tweaking? –Columbia University Overheard by: Ladle Guy: I know I'm gay, but the best part of my Bar Mitzvah was meeting the party planner. –Barns & Noble, 8th St & 6th Ave Overheard by: Rijita

Take a Wednesday One-Liner. It'll Last Longer.

Woman to friend: Wait till I show you the pictures. He looked so good in the coffin… –Gym, Westchester Ave Thug to homies: Yo, we need to take a pic in case the world ends tomorrow. –Q Train Overheard by: Robert Too-cool-for-school coworker: You don't know how to use your scanner?! Shhiiiit, fool! I can teach you that! I taught myself how to use Google Calendar today. I have a Master's in photography. –NYU Overheard by: mm Man on cell: Hi! Oh my gosh, I just got some great pictures of a plane that crashed into the river! –Hudson River Park 20-something girl on phone with friend: Will you grab my camera from the apartment for me before you come out tonight? (pause) Thanks, I need it to take pictures of my conquests.(pause) All men should fear us. –Brooklyn

Those Who Can't Do, Wednesday One-Liner

Anthropology prof: Amish youth in Pennsylvania have the opportunity to go out and experience mainstream society for a period of time before deciding whether or not to leave Amish society. An overwhelming amount decide to return to Amish society. That really tells you something about the cohesiveness of this religious sect! (pause) Then again, maybe it's just because Philadelphia is the city they all go out into. –Classroom, Fordham University Overheard by: Martin Van Nostrand Professor: You still need to lubricate anything that's sliding in and out. –The Cooper Union NYU prof: I have an aunt who is 105, and she just keeps on living. I just want to tell her, "you don't need to live for-fucking-ever. Die already, you have no quality of life! –NYU Columbia professor (to teaching assistant): You know, I've been teaching this stuff so long, I almost believe it. –Classroom, Columbia University Professor: I hope that Freud reading gave you a rise. I didn't just say that. –NYU Overheard by: Yeah. It did.

Wednesday One-Liners Are Up Shit's Creek

Three-year-old boy, refusing to get in stroller: Shit! Shit! Shit, mommy! Shit! –Chelsea Market Overheard by: Sarah Young boy, yelling after hearing Jesus freaks preach: What a bunch of shit that is! –7th Ave & 33rd St Overheard by: Colleen Hobo drinking Red Bull: This is Red Bull shit! –Penn Station Overheard by: RevolutionSuzi 30-something lady on cell: I'm gonna be shitting my brains out later. –Astoria Seasoned-looking guy, watching hobo pee in the middle of a subway car: I ain't never seen that shit before. That shit is brand new! –4 Train Overheard by: i will be traumatized forever Menacing black woman on phone: I'mma go home and shit on my girlfriend's China. –Pratt Institute Overheard by: Penelope

If You've Got Wednesday One-Liners, Flaunt 'Em!

Hispanic girl on phone: I'm in the Heights, looking at clothes…of course they're slutty, that's all we wear. –St Nicholas Ave b/w 181 & 182 St Overheard by: Linda Rhodes Friend to scantily clad girl adjusting extremely low-cut shirt: Why are you even wearing a shirt? –NYU Flamboyant black man: Girl, I can see yo' pussy, yo' pants are too tight! –14th St Blonde: I'm just going to put a thong and a mini skirt on him, and he'll entertain us. –Broadway & 34th St, Astoria Overheard by: Natalie Freshman NYU student during welcome week: I can't wait to get some slutty clothes…so I can fit in. –Outside NYU's Kimmel Center