Archive for 2009

He's Not Allowed Back at the Sperm Bank for the Same Reasons

Crazy dude: Hey, can I have a sample?
Barista: I'm sorry?
Crazy dude: A sample of your coffee.
Manager: Sir! I told you last week not to come in here anymore.
Crazy dude: Huh?
Manager: Don't you remember when you threw a cup of coffee, hot coffee, at one of my baristas?
Crazy dude: No. –Starbucks Overheard by: Flea Headline by: drkipper Runners-Up:
· “I Was Just Venti-ng” – fuvvcckkk
· “In His Defense, No One Else Thinks That It’s Really Coffee Either” – Peter G.
· “Naomi Campbell’s Lesser Known Brother Strikes Again” – Jakal
· “The Sequel to “Memento” Lacks the Narrative Drive Of the First” – Toby
· “You Should See What He Did at the Sex Shop Down the Street” – Charlie
Click here to see the new Headline Contest

The Make-a-Wednesday-One-Liner Foundation

Lady on phone: Well, I wish I could get the fat removed from my back but we can't all get what we want, can we? –Target 10-year-old child with mother and younger siblings: I wish I could get a diaper… –K-Mart, Astor Place Random smoking kid: I really wish I could smoke out of my ass. –Lincoln Center Girl crossing the street: I really wish something would hit me…I need some money. –Times Square Overheard by: 3 day tourist Girl, after receiving gift: This is…this is so great! I'm so happy! Oh, man! I…I wish you had a little penis so I could give it a rub right now! –Barnes & Noble, Park Slope

You've Got Some Set Of Wednesday One-Liners on You, Buddy!

Woman on cell: I'd love to watch football with you. I'll even hold the balls. –92nd & Lexington Boyfriend to guy sitting between him and his girlfriend: Hey man, can you slide over? I need some ball space over here. –Uptown 4 Train 20-something chick: I aim for as many balls as possible. –Columbia University Overheard by: Meister Woman to male Target employee: Do you have balls? (brief awkward pause) Like playing ones… –Target, Queens Mother to kids: Okay, raise your hand if you don't have balls! (group of boys eagerly raise their hands) –LIRR Overheard by: Chadwick

Does a Wednesday One-Liner Shit in the Woods?

Puzzled guy on cell: What kind of girl calls you a "cuddly wuddly bear" and doesn't go out with you? –The Village Overheard by: Greene Hobo: Hey there, folks! I'm Yogi Bear! Have you seen Ranger Rick? –Gray's Papaya Overheard by: Zach Woman on cell: I'm glad the evil bear didn't kill you in your sleep! –113th & Broadway Overheard by: Ladle Drunk girl to sober companion: Oh my god, I saw this dog the other day. It was a bear! –Tick-Tock Diner Outraged girl on cell: She's anti-polar bear? –NYU Campus Overheard by: nina

Wednesday Has His Cake and Eats One-Liners, Too

Teen on cell: Man, it's really hard to be bi-curious around gay guys you don't like. –L Train Older gay man: Oh, it must be wonderful to be bisexual! I mean, bilingual. –69th & Broadway Overheard by: Ana Girl to friend: My boyfriend is bi. I told him I didn't want him making out with other girls. Other boys are fine, because they don't kiss on the mouth as much. –Europa Cafe, 53rd & Broadway Overheard by: Sam Large black man on cell: Yeah, you know, baby, this is the city. Eeeeverybody's bisexual! –Battery Park Overheard by: Modern Guilt

What's So Great Aboot Wednesday One-Liners, Eh?

Man on subway, about to exit: Obama, Islam, Canada. Obama, in Islam, and Canada. (exits train) –Downtown D Train Overheard by: katiekatydid Thug to tourists: How do you say "thank you" in Canadian? –34th & 7th Ave Overheard by: Fluent in Canadian Student: I'm so sick and tired of your Canadian condescension. –Eugene Lang College Crazy Brooklynite at a payphone: The Queen owns everything! She owns Europe, she owns Africa, and she owns Canada! The one thing she doesn't own is the US. So could somebody give me a US quarter for a Canadian quarter? –Broadway & 8th St Ditzy blonde to another: Do we look Canadian? –Chelsea Overheard by: Holls

The Rail World: Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor on loudspeaker: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a slight signal problem ahead of us. There are several supervisors working to flip a coin and decide how we should proceed. Once they work that out, we'll be on to 125th Street, and it should be smooth sailing from there. –Uptown 6 Train Overheard by: Melissa Conductor: Do not shove! Stand clear of the doors! Ladies and gentlemen, there is another train directly behind this one. Look, people, we have to work together. If you get pick-pocketed, molested, or rubbed the wrong way, you only have yourselves to blame! –6 Train Overheard by: wondergirl Conductor over intercom, after train stops: Stay calm, people. We are not going down. Repeat: this is not the Titanic, we are not going down! –3 Train Overheard by: C Conductor: This train will now be running express so I suggest you get on this train… Hey you! Sitting on the bench! Get on this train now! –R Train Overheard by: kinda scared Train conductor over loudspeaker: Good evening, Heather. –Stamford-Bound Metro North Train Overheard by: Dianachka Conductor: Attention passengers, this is the almost always delayed 6:18 express train to Long Branch. If you were inconvenienced by the delay, shame on you, you should know New Jersey transit never operates on schedule. –NJ Transit Conductor: This is 7th Avenue, just three blocks from the 4th Avenue stop. You could have walked! –F Train