Archive for 2009

I'm Calling the Fashion Police!

(horsey tourist girl walks right into tiny fashionista in giant Chanel sunglasses)
Horsey tourist girl, screaming: Was that really necessary?
Tiny fashionista, confused: You're the one who ran into me.
Horsey tourist girl, still screaming: There are 50,000 people in this city. Learn how to walk.
Tiny fashionista, calmly: Eight million, actually.
(horsey tourist girl stomps off)
Tiny fashionista, yelling after her: Your shoes are ugly! –50th St & 5th Ave

That's 15 Seconds Of Reading Time I'll Never Get Back

Teen boy #1, dressed in leather biker jackets and combat books: I've done nothing for days except drink beer and smoke pot. I drink, and I smoke, and I drink, and I smoke, and then I get on the train. To go drink and smoke.
Teen boy #2, wearing same outfit: I know.
Boy #1: But I've got to enjoy it now, you know? When I turn 18, everything is going to change.
Teen boy #2: Dude, totally.
Teen boy #1: When I turn 18, I'm either going to get a car, get a really big tattoo, or get a girlfriend.
Teen boy #2: Really?
Teen boy #1: Yeah, totally. It's going to be way different.
Teen boy #2: What kind of car?
Teen boy #1: Something cool. Maybe a Toyota Corolla or something. I want to be able to go to New Palz whenever, you know? And hang out with my crew up there.
Teen boy #2: New Palz is so cool.
Teen boy #1: I know. –F Train

Vegetarians Won't Eat Anything with a Wednesday One-Liner

(man standing on bus gets a little too close to the man sitting in front of him)
Sitting man: Wrong person, right day. Son, do not put your genitals in my face! –M101 Bus (skateboarder tries to do a trick on the curb and flies face-first onto pavement)
Skateboarding friend, checking on him: Dude! His face looks like a clitoris! –Union Square Overheard by: I Looked Away Crazy man to another: What the fuck's the matter with your face, man? You look like a fuckin' Rottweiler! Shit! –Q Train Creepy doorman to male tourist: If you wake up in the morning with a bush in front of your face, don't ask any questions. –30 Rock Overheard by: MusicMagGirl

A Piñata Full Of Wednesday One-Liners

Eight-year-old boy, matter-of-factly, to dorky dad: Mexican people like to put animals on their shoulders. –108 St & Broadway Black guy to white woman: Anyway, it turns out–and this is really weird–in Texas, they hate Mexicans as much as they hate African Americans! –17th St & 8th Ave Man to another: I just want to be gang-raped by a group of Latinos. –Chelsea Overheard by: Mike Exasperated woman to friend: And this is why I don't interfere when it comes to Mexicans! –1 Train Overheard by: Green Star 10-year-old to friend: You have the same name as a short, fat Mexican boy! –Maria Hernandez Park, Bushwick Latino gay to white gay: You have good genes, you just don't have the Latino gene that makes your face moisturize naturally. I'm like the Dick Clark of faggotry! –12th & 1st Overheard by: H-Bomb Teen to friend: Make sure that you're in Guatemalan mode. –114th & Broadway Overheard by: Jeremy

Wednesday Two-Faced Liners

Fat naked guy on cell in NYSC locker room: I'm just leaving the bank now. –New York Sports Club Girl on cell: Hello? Oh, hi mom. Yeah, yeah, it's really early here. Yeah, it's about two in the morning. Yeah, the Eiffel tower was beautiful. Yeah, right to the top. And then we had crepes, yeah. –Columbia University Guy at urinal: I'm walking toward baggage claim, where are you? –LaGuardia Airport Overheard by: Next urinal Tweenybopper on phone: Hey, Xander? We're at my house. My mom says you and Corey can't come over. Sorry! –Starbucks Overheard by: Kaitlen Grumpy old man, walking alone, on cell: I can't! I've got my grandson with me!
(pause) Bitch, why would I lie to you? (pause) Okay, love you too. –Harlem

Bitch, Say My Wednesday One-Liner!

Professor: My name is John, but some people call me Godzilla! –Baruch College Overheard by: Nas T. Pezz Middle school student to friend: Nike was probably invented by a guy named like Nathaniel Ike. Get it? N. Ike. –Marymount School White woman on cell: So do I call you Wayne? Weezy? Lil? –Broadway & Lafayette Overheard by: kdice Thug to another: What?! Upstate?! Nigga, no no no! Hell no! I ain't trustin no nigga named Chad. Who the fuck names a nigga Chad? –F Train Man on cell: Aw, come on! You shittin' me. Ain't no muthafucka named "gay-org!" –5th Ave & 23rd St Overheard by: manhattman Teen girl on cell: My name is "princess," not "yo!" –B61 Bus, Brooklyn Overheard by: Tastypaper Conductor: This is Carrol Street, named after my ex-wife, Carrol Garden. She was great. –F Train

Wednesday One-Liners Call It “Direct Marketing”

Guy selling city maps, singing to beat of nearby music: Who needs a map? Who needs a map? It's not a trap! –Central Park Ghetto guy selling knockoff perfumes on street: Don't ask me where I got em' from, just get em' before the police come. I got DKNY, my mami J.Lo… Get em' folks! Get em' –23rd & 6th Overheard by: Alli Street vendor to customer examining knockoff purses: Hurry it up. I need money. –Madison & 59th St Overheard by: Jennifer Wannabe hip hop artist: Y'all like hip hop? Please look at my CDs. Miss, you have a beautiful forehead. Please buy my CD. –Times Square Guy handing out fliers: Hey! You guys like vagina? –Times Square Overheard by: Brett

Wednesday Keeps Popping Out One-Liners

Drunk woman to another: Well, I will see your divorce and raise you an illegitimate pregnancy! –Court St & Atlantic Avenue, Brooklyn Girl to super skinny girl: You look pregnant, I think I have a clothes hanger in my locker. You wanna come up and check with me? –1st Ave & 3rd St Dad holding baby to wife with another kid in stroller: Somebody's about to get pregnant up in here… It'll be like Maury Povich. –Downtown 1 Train Overheard by: NOT the father Dude on bus to child: See, women, they get to grow people. And in exchange, we get to pee standing up. –Q64 Bus Overheard by: a people-grower Girl to friend: You always seem to get pregnant at the worst times. –Queens Center Mall Overheard by: Jenn Girl to friend: I'm feeling fertile. Who's going to tend to that feeling for me? –2 Train Latino guy to friends: That's what my name means in Portuguese, "pregnancy test positive." –84th Drive, Queens

Wednesday One-Liners Don't Have Room in Their Closets Anymore

Gay guy to friend: I woke up this morning with a condom hanging out my butt. Was that you? –Madison Square Park Gay 30-something: Ugh, Borat quotes are like the UGG boot of conversation. –Broadway & Spring Really gay guy to friend: You don't know about the Holy Trinity? It's Liza, Judy and Barbra! –Fort Washington Ave. & 183rd St Overheard by: RED Flamboyant gay: My hair's too straight. I need to gay it up a bit. –Bryant Park Flamboyant guy: My life in New York has been more fabulous than I ever thought! I almost hit Elaine Stritch with a car this weekend! –W 18th St Overheard by: Dan Friedman