Archive for 2009

Also Because You're Wearing Short-shorts and Rollerskates

Teenage boy #1: All I'm saying is it's false advertising. If you suck dick, you should say you suck dick.
Teenage boy #2: But then everyone will think you're a fag.
Teenage boy #3: No, no way. You're telling me that just because I meet a guy whose dick I want to suck, people will think I'm a fag?

–The Loop, Prospect Park, Brooklyn

Overheard by: octopus

Just Spit Like I Do, It's Only Bad If You Swallow…

Brunette, looking at menu: What's cream sauce?
Blonde: I don't know, but I feel like it's really bad for you.
Brunette: Yeah, you're right. I'm getting fries.

–Cafeteria, Fordham University

Headline by: Derek

Runners-Up:
· “America’s Obesity Problem:” – catsandgnomes

· “Freshmen 15 Here I Come!” – james
· “Potatoes Are a Vegetable, Right?” – Skug Skellum


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Maybe I Should See If My Giant Leg Fits Up Your Ass

Late 20s Middle Eastern sales guy: Hey, do you need help with anything?
Early 20s average sized girl: I really like these boots but I can't get them zipped up my calf. They are too tight.
Late 20s Middle Eastern sales guy: Oh, I see. This happens often. We have a machine that can safely stretch them for you. (goes to the back and stretches each boot twice, then brings them back to girl)
Early 20s something girl: Ugh, they still wont zip up. Can you stretch them anymore?
Late 20s Middle Eastern sales guy: Well, they've already been stretch twice… There's not much more I can do. Maybe you should just lose weight.

–4th & 7th

I'm Calling the Fashion Police!

(horsey tourist girl walks right into tiny fashionista in giant Chanel sunglasses)
Horsey tourist girl, screaming
: Was that really necessary?

Tiny fashionista, confused: You're the one who ran into me.
Horsey tourist girl, still screaming: There are 50,000 people in this city. Learn how to walk.
Tiny fashionista, calmly: Eight million, actually.
(horsey tourist girl stomps off)
Tiny fashionista, yelling after her
: Your shoes are ugly!


–50th St & 5th Ave

That's 15 Seconds Of Reading Time I'll Never Get Back

Teen boy #1, dressed in leather biker jackets and combat books: I've done nothing for days except drink beer and smoke pot. I drink, and I smoke, and I drink, and I smoke, and then I get on the train. To go drink and smoke.
Teen boy #2, wearing same outfit: I know.
Boy #1: But I've got to enjoy it now, you know? When I turn 18, everything is going to change.
Teen boy #2: Dude, totally.
Teen boy #1: When I turn 18, I'm either going to get a car, get a really big tattoo, or get a girlfriend.
Teen boy #2: Really?
Teen boy #1: Yeah, totally. It's going to be way different.
Teen boy #2: What kind of car?
Teen boy #1: Something cool. Maybe a Toyota Corolla or something. I want to be able to go to New Palz whenever, you know? And hang out with my crew up there.
Teen boy #2: New Palz is so cool.
Teen boy #1: I know.

–F Train

Vegetarians Won't Eat Anything with a Wednesday One-Liner

(man standing on bus gets a little too close to the man sitting in front of him)
Sitting man
: Wrong person, right day. Son, do not put your genitals in my face!


–M101 Bus

(skateboarder tries to do a trick on the curb and flies face-first onto pavement)
Skateboarding friend, checking on him
: Dude! His face looks like a clitoris!


–Union Square

Overheard by: I Looked Away

Crazy man to another: What the fuck's the matter with your face, man? You look like a fuckin' Rottweiler! Shit!

–Q Train

Creepy doorman to male tourist: If you wake up in the morning with a bush in front of your face, don't ask any questions.

–30 Rock

Overheard by: MusicMagGirl

A Piñata Full Of Wednesday One-Liners

Eight-year-old boy, matter-of-factly, to dorky dad: Mexican people like to put animals on their shoulders.

–108 St & Broadway

Black guy to white woman: Anyway, it turns out–and this is really weird–in Texas, they hate Mexicans as much as they hate African Americans!

–17th St & 8th Ave

Man to another: I just want to be gang-raped by a group of Latinos.

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Mike

Exasperated woman to friend: And this is why I don't interfere when it comes to Mexicans!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Green Star

10-year-old to friend: You have the same name as a short, fat Mexican boy!

–Maria Hernandez Park, Bushwick

Latino gay to white gay: You have good genes, you just don't have the Latino gene that makes your face moisturize naturally. I'm like the Dick Clark of faggotry!

–12th & 1st

Overheard by: H-Bomb

Teen to friend: Make sure that you're in Guatemalan mode.

–114th & Broadway

Overheard by: Jeremy

Wednesday Two-Faced Liners

Fat naked guy on cell in NYSC locker room: I'm just leaving the bank now.

–New York Sports Club

Girl on cell: Hello? Oh, hi mom. Yeah, yeah, it's really early here. Yeah, it's about two in the morning. Yeah, the Eiffel tower was beautiful. Yeah, right to the top. And then we had crepes, yeah.

–Columbia University

Guy at urinal: I'm walking toward baggage claim, where are you?

–LaGuardia Airport

Overheard by: Next urinal

Tweenybopper on phone: Hey, Xander? We're at my house. My mom says you and Corey can't come over. Sorry!

–Starbucks

Overheard by: Kaitlen

Grumpy old man, walking alone, on cell: I can't! I've got my grandson with me!
(pause) Bitch, why would I lie to you? (pause) Okay, love you too.

–Harlem

Bitch, Say My Wednesday One-Liner!

Professor: My name is John, but some people call me Godzilla!

–Baruch College

Overheard by: Nas T. Pezz

Middle school student to friend: Nike was probably invented by a guy named like Nathaniel Ike. Get it? N. Ike.

–Marymount School

White woman on cell: So do I call you Wayne? Weezy? Lil?

–Broadway & Lafayette

Overheard by: kdice

Thug to another: What?! Upstate?! Nigga, no no no! Hell no! I ain't trustin no nigga named Chad. Who the fuck names a nigga Chad?

–F Train

Man on cell: Aw, come on! You shittin' me. Ain't no muthafucka named "gay-org!"

–5th Ave & 23rd St

Overheard by: manhattman

Teen girl on cell: My name is "princess," not "yo!"

–B61 Bus, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Tastypaper

Conductor: This is Carrol Street, named after my ex-wife, Carrol Garden. She was great.

–F Train