Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
January 2009 Archives
The Supreme Court Adores Distinctions Like That
Girl: Ugh. I hate rude people!
Boy: Umm...you're wearing sunglasses indoors.
Girl: That's not rude, that's pretentious.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: steph
Since the French Developed a Taste for Overpriced, Too-Sweet Coffee
Rich brunette: Like, I was just in Europe and it's all the same. Like, Paris and London are exactly the same as New York, there's no difference!
Blonde: But they speak French in Paris, though.
Rich brunette: But they even have Starbucks there too!
--Bryant Park
Further Evidence That Astrology Is Bullshit
Birthday girl: It's my birthday today!
Sales rep: Oh yeah? It's my brother-in-law's birthday today, too.
Birthday girl: Well, he must be totally awesome!
Sales rep: Yeah, he's in rehab for drugs.
--26th & Madison
I Dig Chicks With Mustaches
Russian girl to hipster: What's wrong with your hair?
Hipster: I dunno, what's wrong with your face?
Russian girl: (silence)
Hipster: So, what's your name?
--Q Train
Overheard by: Himani
I'm Beginning to Regret Abducting Them from That Playground in the First Place
Husband (about kids): I can't take them any more.
Wife: We were just as bad.
Husband: I was never bad. I was always good.
Wife: I was bad. I was a horror.
Husband: Then you deserve them!
--Central Park, Near Delacorte Theater
Overheard by: Lisa B.
If Only There Was a Way to Solve Both These Problems
Guy to begging bag lady: Somebody stinks!
Begging bag lady, over her shoulder: Somebody could lose some weight!
--Uptown C Train
Ever Since We Learned About Alliteration in English Class
Chubby teen with big ass: Guess what, mom...I have a new nickname.
Parent: What is it?
Chubby teen with big ass: They call me "tiny tush." Whenever I see them they go, "hey, look, it's tiny tush!"
--F Train
Wait-- It's Because Of Your Almond Eyes!
Black guy to Asian girl passerby: Excuse me, I don't want to be rude, but I've always wanted to have sex with an oriental chick. So...can we get a room or something?
Asian girl: Uhm...it's "Asian," not "oriental," 'k? (she walks off)
--69th St & 5th Ave
And I Made 'em Fill My Teeth With Jelly
Asian guy: So you really love chicken, huh?
Big white guy: Actually no, its not really healthy to eat a lot of meat.
Asian guy (looking confused): But you eat all those crazy amounts of skittles in your desk, right?
Big white guy: Yeah, but I don't have any cavities. I mean, I had some and got them filled, but I don't have any cavities right now.
--Wall St
If Being Agreeable Will Get Me Laid, Sure.
College girl: So, where are you from?
Indian guy: I'm from Bombay.
College girl: Is that, like, close to Pompeii?
--F Train
Here Comes One Now
Girl: You left me for two hours!
Hot gay guy: You left me for one hour!
Girl: I had an errand to run! You did not!
Hot gay guy: My organism is an errand!
Girl: Do normal people do this? When I'm bored, I read or do something constructive.
Hot gay guy: When I'm bored, I have an orgasm.
--9th & Ave C
Um, Have You Seen "Sex and the City"?
Gay man: And over here, I like to call it "shoe street," cuz they have shoe after shoe after shoe after shoe store!
Tourist: They have shoes in New York?
--M8 Bus
Overheard by: They Have Shirts Here, TOO!!
Do You Go out of Your Way to Miss My Point?
White guy: Why does Beyonce sing "to the left, to the left"?
White girl: Why?
White guy: Because black people have no rights.
White girl: Isn't Beyonce, like, Latino?
--74th St & Lexington
Now I'm Glad I Never Met Her
Girl #1: Aww, she friend-dumped you?
Girl #2: Yeah, she friend-dumped me on Gmail!
--13th St & 3rd Ave
Homeless Guy, Homeless Guy, Make Me a Match
Desperate middle-aged woman #1: You know, women outnumber men these days...
Desperate middle-aged women #2: I know. I mean, where can you go to find single middle aged men?
Homeless guy: Boston market!
--Gramercy
Toddler: "Hey, Do I Make 'Flied Lice' Jokes, Lady?"
(toddler speaks incoherent babble and falls. Father picks her up)
Asian lady to white husband, in thick accent: Oh! Did you see baby! What did it say? What did it say? A chi bi ta bi da? Hahahaha! What did it say?
--Boathouse, Central Park
Overheard by: offended for the baby
When the Russians Finally Took Over the U.S., It Wasn't Worth Anything
Old Russian cabbie: I'm George Bush.
Sleepy teen: Nice to meet you, Mr. President.
(cabbie looks satisfied and pulls away)
--Eugene O'Neill Theater
Brooklyn, the Town Too Tough to Toilet Train
Young boy, pointing out the subway window at the Gowanus Canal: Look, mom, a lake!
Mom: That ain't no lake! That's where the dookie comes out!
--F Train
Overheard by: jenmarie
In Days of Old, Just a Glimpse of Them Was Looked on As Something Shocking
American-born Indian guy with cream colored bell bottoms tucked in a paisley shirt: There's something about fob-y girls from Asia that is so sexy--they wear stockings.
Filipino American girls #1 and #2: Uhh, what?
American-born Indian guy: Yeah! There are studies that have been done on it, like by Duke University. It's like 20 pages long. Look it up.
--Prince & Elizabeth
Overheard by: based on what you're wearing, ONLY girls wearing stockings would find YOU sexy
At Least Let Me Purell It First
Little boy: (making loud fake chewing noises progressively getting louder)
Mom: Quiet down now!
Little boy: But mom, look, I'm chewing my arm!
--Manhattan Express Bus #9
Overheard by: Jessica R
How Do You Recover from Something Like This?
Random guy on street: You have a great day, beautiful lady.
Girl: Thank you.
Random guy on street: No, not you. Her! (points to the girl behind her)
--Waverly Place & 6th Ave
Isn't That What's Inside a Memory Foam Mattress?
Girlfriend: This frappuccino tastes like foam.
Boyfriend: I guess they put a lot of foam in yours.
Girlfriend: Oh my god, they should make a foam-flavored frappuccino.
--Shuttle from Times Square to Grand Central
Overheard by: valerie
Portrait of the Life-Coach As a Young Boy
Weary mom with two kids: I'm afraid today is almost too much for mommy.
Toddler: Why?
Weary mom: Because we have to get Sylvia (motions to stroller) home before she falls asleep, and we're pushing our luck.
Toddler: We can do it.
Weary mom, sighing: I admire your spirit.
Toddler: What's "spirit"?
Weary mom: It means your attitude. Your confidence.
Toddler, with renewed energy: We can do it!
--Railway Station Platform
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Who Says New Yorkers Are Unhelpful?
Tourist looking at a subway map, drawing a line with his finger: Where does this train go?
New Yorker : Exactly where you just pointed.
--B Train
Sales-- It's Not Delivery, It's Degrading
T-shirt seller for Hair: Buy a t-shirt or a sweatshirt! The actors may be naked, but you don't have to be!
T-shirt seller friend: You need to work on your delivery.
T-shirt seller: Yeah, I know.
--Shakespeare in the Park
Overheard by: Natalie
The Governor's Mansion Ain't What It Used to Be, Baby
20-something grunge girl #1: So I plan on getting really trashed tonight, do you think I can crash there tonight?
20-something grunge girl #2: I wouldn't recommend it. Last time I crashed there I ended up with scabies.
--L Train
Overheard by: Anthony's Gal
Unlike Earlier Today, in Court
Brunette, after woman walks away from her: Oh great, now I can stick my hand up my skirt.
Blonde: Oh, perfect timing!
--Victoria's Secret, 86th St
...And Letting Me Steal Your Wallets?
Old man: Are you guys tourists or something?
Couple: Yes.
Old man: Is that why you're walking so fucking slow?!
--8th St Station
Overheard by: Mary Button
How New Yorkers Turn That Frown Upside Down
Woman #1: So I get out of the station and I get on the bus and I text my boss, and what happens? Man don't even look at his phone! I get in and he starts yelling at me! Boy was he embarrassed when I said hello, I already texted you and told you someone fell in front of my train and I was gonna be late!
Woman #2: Ha ha ha! That's hilarious!
--Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Ever Wish You Could Snap Pictures of Tourists?
Tourist trying to get through the turnstile with a credit card: Didn't this work last time?
Tourist friend: Try my Visa, maybe yours is expired.
--Bryant Park Station
Overheard by: casey
The Day Rebecca Went Against the Grain
Middle Eastern man surrounded by bags of rice: Would you like to buy some rice?
Young woman: No, thanks.
Middle Eastern man: But it's good rice. Good strong rice.
Young woman: Oh, I've got plenty of rice at home.
Middle Eastern man: But your rice no good. This rice much better.
Woman (offended, screaming): You don't know what kind of rice I eat!
(long pause)
Middle Eastern man, sheepishly: Only $20.
--F Train
Overheard by: really wondering what kind of rice she eats
Yeah, My Giant Penis Piercing May Have Been a Mistake
Guy in crowd: Don't touch me!
Friend: Dude, maybe you shouldn't say that here.
Guy: No, I mean you--you're the one who peed on your hands.
--All Points West Ferry Line
Meet the Poster Children for Bike Helmets
Kid on scooter: Where are the brakes on this?
Kid on scooter #2: What is "brakes?"
--Sunset Park
Overheard by: blistxaddict
The CDC Has Issued a Travel Advisory
Boyfriend, looking at girlfriend's iPhone: Who is this guy Nick that you're talking to?
Ditzy girlfriend: Whatever...you don't have to worry about him. He's from New Jersey, so I would never touch him.
Boyfriend: What's that have to do with anything?
Ditzy girlfriend: Hello! Everyone knows that everyone in New Jersey has STDs!
--7 Train
Headline by: kate
Runners-Up:
· "Experience=Wisdom" - Fresca
· "I Only Cheat on You Within the Five Boroughs" - The Cleveland Kid
· "It's Why They Have 50 Different Words for Painful Urination" - Brother Elmer
· "Nick: I Told Her That's Not What "Suburbia" Is..." - Porter
· "Why Lincoln & Holland Toll Takers Wear Gloves" - Leary Blaine
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Whatever Happened to the Simple Days Of Throwing Keys Into a Hat?
Old man: I went to a party the other night--it was a girlfriend-swapping party!
Cook: Oh, yeah?
Old man: I hadda throw in cash!
--Greasy Spoon, Church St
Overheard by: missal
Or, in Ice Cream Terminology, a "Swirl"
Woman in car: She's not black. She's albino.
Woman on street: What?
Woman in car: She's half black, half white. That's called "albino."
--Hall St., Brooklyn
Milk-Fed Fish
Loud bridge and tunnel chick #1, reading the menu: Can someone translate this for me? What is "veal"?
Loud bridge and tunnel chick #2: Oh, oh, I've heard of that! It's a kind of fish.
--Serafina on Lafayette
Overheard by: Vivian Brodie
Nobody Knows the Trouble Wednesday One-Liners Seen
Hobo to white guy walking with three black friends: What's up, slave owner?
--The Village
Girl on phone: We should practice selling ourselves to each other.
--Subway Sandwiches, 38th & 7th
Crazy man on train: America! America! Anybody wanna buy some white people?
--A Train
Ditzy girl to friend: So I had this black boyfriend one time, and we had to break up because he kept talking about slavery. I was all, hello, I'm Czech, my people were slaves too.
--Columbia University School of Social Work
Overheard by: Eric
Black toddler to mortified white nanny: Wanna play slave?
--Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn
Wednesday One-Liners: The Forgotten Borough
Girl on cell: He's thinking of moving to Queens, and really I don't think we're going to be able to last through that.
--1 New York Plaza
Pretty 20-something on phone: So, I mean, I totally have a newfound appreciation for homicidal rages. Who the hell would ditch me for some ugly fag from Queens? Seriously, I should kill him. Or, just leave him in Queens...forever. Would that be a war crime?
--Wall Street
Overheard by: ...I almost asked
30-something suit to another: I'll tell you though, it's not easy getting laid in Queens.
--Court St. & Montague
Overheard by: Kaiti
Enthusiastic, articulate conductor: As you can see, we're at the 21st Street stop! This is the first stop in Queens, soooo welcome to Queens! The next and final stop on this train is Courthouse Square. Now that we all know, let's be on our way!
--G Train
Overheard by: I wish this guy narrated all of my subway trips
Girl's in Queens for the first time: you can order milkshakes and cigarettes from the diner any time of night? This place is a fucking wonderland!
--Queens
Wednesday One-Liners Aren't Kosher
Suit on Bluetooth headset: You just lie on the ground and squeal like a pig!
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: Justin
Chick on cell: A theatrical fashion show of people in assless pleather chaps and pig masks...
--W 26th St b/w 7th & 8th
Overheard by: Ladle
Hipster chick: I love bulldogs; they're like little alien piglets.
--9th St & 2nd Ave
Sorority girl, walking dog, to friend: Didn't you have a pig you could squeeze and make poop come out?
--113th St b/w Broadway & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Ladle
Professor: Your mother is a pigfucker. Now, I hope you don't all go home and cry because I said that.
--Brooklyn College
Wednesday One-Liners Locate Carmen Sandiego
Guy on cell: I'm walking to my room from breakfast. Then I'm going to take a dump. Then I'm going downstairs.
--Hallway, Marriott Courtyard Hotel
Barista walking in, to no one in particular: Unfortunately, I'm here.
--Starbucks, Brighton Beach
Overheard by: Robert
Lost tourist: We are stuck here in the middle of Times Square!
--Rockefeller Center
NYU girl on phone: Hello? No. No, I can't meet you. Because I'm lost. I'm lost in the West Village. You know how the streets there get weird? I have no idea where I am. I've been wandering around for hours and I don't know if I'll ever make it back, ever! No, don't try to find me, I haven't seen any street signs in ages. Okay, see you tomorrow...maybe not.
--Union Square
Loud black drag queen yelling into cell: Bitch, don't play with me! I know where you at!
(pause) Where you at?
--34th St & 8th Ave
Just Wait 'Til You Have Wednesday One-Liners Of Your Own!
Stroller mom admonishing toddler: Connor! Connor, stop that now. Connor, I'm going to count to three...in French. Un, deux, trois.
--Broadway & 93rd St
Father, teaching five-year-old son to urinate in the street: Okay, son, now you've gotta shake it.
--Fordham Road
Mom to seven-year-old daughter, on Yom Kippur: Only you could complicate a bagel purchase.
--Absolute Bagels, 108th & Broadway
Yuppie mommy to naughty child: Stop it! Stop acting up! Look, this is the reason people don't have kids.
--Starbucks
Woman to young sons: You see that boy in that other train over there? I'm gonna give him your present if you don't be quiet.
--6 Train
Father to three rowdy children: You guys are gonna need to calm down, this is gonna be a two hour ride and there is no bar car on this train. Which is unfair to daddies with 3 kids.
--Grand Central
Peanut, Pinenut, Ground Nut, Wednesday One-Liner Nut...
Ghetto girl: Hmm, I know what a peanut is, but what a walnut is?
--147th & Broadway
Man on cell: It's quite possible that my left nut is bigger than my right nut.
--82nd & Broadway
Girlfriend to boyfriend: So that's why Yoda sounds like busting a nut!
--Ave A & 6th St
Guy to friend: I've been bitten in the nuts by two different Scottish Terriers.
--7th Ave b/w 24th & 25th
Overheard by: Carmen
Guy on cell: I'm just like an anorexic. Every time they look in the mirror, they think "I'm not skinny enough," but I look in the mirror and think "these pants aren't tight enough," even though everyone tells me they can see my nuts.
--L Train
Wednesday One-Liner: What Is It Good For?
Cleaner: What a pair of tits on that girl! That's why we go to war, that's why we're in Iraq!
--Service Elevator, Lexington & 41st St
Overheard by: Nicky
Annoying chick, about John McCain: I mean, he was a POW because he fucked up!
--Shea Stadium
Overheard by: megan
Security guard, breaking up fight during peace march: You can't fight at the peace march! You can't fight at the peace march!
--143 & Malcolm X
Woman to screaming three-year-old: And that's why you have to register to vote! Or else they'll draft you and you'll have to go to war!
--33rd & 2nd
Girl on phone: I can just get a pass from the Israeli army. Don't worry about it. They're easy.
--NYU Palladium Dining Hall
Wednesday One-Liners Go with the Flow
Woman to friend: Childbirth is just really bad menstrual cramps, that's all!
--Varick St
Overheard by: Cool Breeze
Woman to toddler: Put the rest of the money back in the tampon box.
--14th St Subway Station
Overheard by: alex
Girl crossing street to friend: And then I had my period for a month!
--Houston & Broadway
Overheard by: Wondering what kind of birth control she's on
30-something woman on cell: He said he didn't care, and pulled the tampon out of me.
--Bedford Ave & N 8th St
Overheard by: tamphex twin
Girl to guy: I thought I smelled alcohol, but it was just my menstruation.
--N Train
Wednesday One-Linered...With Children
Old Jewish woman to very nervous Asian 25-year-old bride to be: Honey, I've been married 53 years. The secret to a great marriage? Give him lots of sex. Lots of good sex.
--Dumbo, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Tanya
Man on cell: I told her I would convert. We could go to Vegas and get married next week, no problem.
--64th & Amsterdam
Woman on phone: My ex-boyfriend was 24 and he was able to support me, and you're 35 on an engineer's salary and you can't do the same. Do you know how many guys are begging to marry me, and can give me a dowry? So fuck you!
--Target Store, Brooklyn
Hispanic woman on phone: So where are you now? You already married him? Oh, okay. See you later.
--28th & Park Avenue South
Overheard by: Alie
Five-year-old boy to teacher about five-year-old girl next to him: We're going to get married. (to five-year-old girl) What's your name again?
--61st & Amsterdam
Could You Use "Wednesday One-Liners" in a Sentence?
Girl to friend: I know, man! I was like, "Expelliarmus!"
--116th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Bahnahd
College guy to his friends: If you use the word "status quo" in a paper, you're guaranteed to get at least an A.
--Cental Park
Overheard by: dizzle
Smug dude: He told me he needed a dictionary to have a conversation with me. I mean, just because instead of saying...um...like...well, instead of a short word...I use a big one.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Ivory Girl
Old man to another: What's that word mean, "egotistical"? You blindsided me with that word! Egotistical!
--Reading Room, Bryant Park
Overheard by: Jessie
Woman on cell: You never heard of tilapia? You got to get out of the hood!
--St. John's & Classon
Overheard by: Mollie
Wednesday Bloodliners
Girl to guy: And then he cheated on me with his male and female cousin.
--9th & 21st, Chelsea
Guy on phone: You should tell him next time he should keep his dick in his sister.
--72nd & Central Park West
Guido, getting his hair cut, in a thick Staten Island accent: Show me where it says in the Holy Bible that you can't bang your stepsister.
--Staten Island Barber Shop
Overheard by: Snewsboy
Dude on cell: Bitch, I don't care how much you give me, your ass just ain't worth it. (pause) Plus, I can just get it for free from my sister.
--Coffee Shop, Hell's Kitchen
Overheard by: really hope he didn't mean what i thought...
Girl to mother, after game: I'd rather go down on my sister than take the d train to Times Square right now.
--Old Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: datura0001
Embrace Your Wednesday One-Liners
Guy at party: I'm known for my creepy hugs.
--16th St & Union Square
Overheard by: Kitty
Hobo: Okay, you know the drill. I'm hungry, give me money so I can buy breakfast.
(nobody does) Alright, if you don't want to give any money, if you're reasonably attractive, hug a brotha! That works too.
--F Train
Panhandler: Any little bit helps, folks. Pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters. If you don't have any money this morning and you're, like, really attractive, you can just give me a big hug and rub up on me a little bit, and we'll call it even.
--F Train
Overheard by: kdice
Woman's voice on public announcement system: You want me to hug you?
--Port Authority
Ghetto Latina, seeing MTA worker hug crying bag lady: Shit, I'm from the Bronx, born and raised, and I ain't never seen no subway man be giving out free hugs. I seen shouting matches, I seen drug deals, I seen fist fights, but I ain't never seen no free hugs in a subway station. That's some fuckin dedication right there.
--59th St. Subway Station
Overheard by: slc boy
Subway panhandler: If you don't have any food, but you do happen to be, like, incredibly good looking, I do accept hugs. (middle aged man with L.L.Bean backpack smiles and holds his arms open invitingly) I'll have to give you a raincheck on that one, sir.
--F Train
Overheard by: linda
We Imagine His Next Line Is Something About Making Love, Not War
Suit: So how are you ladies doing?
Cute girl #1: Um, fine. You?
Suit: Good! I'm Paul.
Cute girl #1: So Paul, what do you do?
Suit: Guess.
Cute girl #2: World of Warcraft?
--Black Door Bar
Overheard by: On the periphery
Isn't That a Required Course for NYC Preschools?
Dad: Jesus, we're going to get mugged in here.
Four-year-old: Dad, what does "mugged" mean?
Dad: It means "assaulted."
--Morningside Park
Overheard by: Leonard
Does That Even Work on JDate?
Girl: Sorry, my friends are waiting for me.
Guy: What? You don't like nice Jewish boys with trust funds?
--5th Ave
Overheard by: A
Once You Commit to a Woman, Her Warranty Expires
Goofy guy, trying and failing to pick up a stranger: The thing is, I had a big fight with my girlfriend this morning.
Woman (about to get off bus): Oh, sorry. That's never easy...my advice to you is, reconcile.
Goofy guy: Yeah, well, but she's a little bipolar.
--Westbound 57 Bus
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Black People Get Tired Of White People Fairly Early in Life
Black guy: How can I help you?
White guy, pointing at bread loaf: what kind of bread is that?
Black guy: That's multigrain.
White guy: I like white bread. Do you have any white bread? Not to be racist or anything.
--Bakery
I Just Play One on The Hills
Girl #1: That's a cute dress. Are you going to wear it with leggings.
Girl #2: I don't own leggings.
Girl #1: Why not?
Girl #2: Because I'm not an asshole.
--Penn Station
For I, Your Gay Boyfriend, Am a Jealous Boyfriend
Musical theater chick: But I thought I was going to plan your 30th birthday party!
Guy: You can't just go around sleeping with Australian fitness directors and then expect to plan my party.
Musical theater chick: But I thought I was going to plan it!
Guy: You're not planning shiiiiiit.
--F Train
Overheard by: JP
When Others Smoke So We Don't Have to
Young NYU girl #1: That was the closest thing to getting stoned I've ever done without actually smoking pot.
Young NYU girl #2: Yeah, totes.
--Union Square
Like in Labyrinth, When He Fondles Those Glass Balls
Guy, looking down and putting newspaper over crotch: Well, you gave me a boner.
Girl: I'm sorry, David Bowie just turns me on.
--4th & Broadway
Would You Like It If I Said Manhattan Was in New Jersey?
Croatian dude: I'm Croatian, I'm from Croatia. Bosnians are from Bosnia, and so on.
Dumb lady: Oh, you mean Belgium?
--Broadway & 21st
Mmmm, Pixels...
Twelve-year-old nerd: Yeah, man, you know what I'm a do this weekend?
Friend: What, homo?
Twelve-year-old nerd: I'm a get drunk, cause I can.
Friend: Then what?
Twelve-year-old nerd: Then I'm a get hot chicks to show me their boobs on MySpace.
--N Train
Overheard by: amii.
The Birth of the Mimosa
Suit #1: Do you want a drink?
Suit #2: It's 7 o'clock in the morning.
Suit #1: And...?
--E 44th & Lex
Overheard by: Cran
But the Mooses and the Geesies Don't Seem to Have That Problem
Man: There's an overpopulation of deer in the country.
Girl: Deers!
Man: Right, deers.
--Prospect Park Boathouse
But I Only Throw with the Left.
Teenager #1: Yeah, I'm ambi-dicks-trous.
Teenager #2: What?
Teenager #1: Yeah, I can write with both my dicks.
--West Village
Other Than Taking a Surreptitious Ultrasound
Blonde girl: So, how do you politely say "are you pregnant, or are you just getting fat and gross?"
Other girl (after long pause): Yeah, I don't think there is anyway to do that politely.
--Times Square
Overheard by: josh5674
Ad: Help Us Find a Cure for Male Refrigerator Blindness--Today
Boyfriend: Hun, where are the turkey bags?
Girlfriend: Hunny! They are right in front of your eyes!
Boyfriend: Oh, I see them, thanks.
Girlfriend: What would you ever do without me?
Male stranger: You would be a lonely bachelor like me.
Girlfriend: Oh! That's sad.
--Fairway Foods, 125th St
Overheard by: spencer dorn
Sample Sales Can Get Vicious
Gay guy #1: You're a single lady, though! It doesn't even matter!
Gay guy #2: Exactly. So I was all, "If you like it, then you should've just peed on it."
--81st St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: a new beyonce fan
And Move on to Other People's
Three-year-old distraught child: Mommy, mommy, she thought I was five years old.
Grandmother: Do you know why? Because she thought you were a big boy!
Mother: When you're five, you're going to stop sucking your... (waits for a response)
Three-year-old, face now lit up: My penis!
--79th & 5th
Ever Seen My Titties, Dude?
Black hipster guy, pointing at newspaper: Look, look at this, I was right! I told you so! Tell me I was right.
Redhead hipster girl: Yeah, you were right.
Black hipster guy: Tell me I was right, and that I'm a sexy motherfucker, and that you want my cock really bad.
Redhead hipster girl: Okay, you were right, you're a sexy motherfucker, and I want your cock sooo bad. (starts whispering in his ear)
Black hipster guy, pushing her away: What is wrong with you? Who raised you? Were you raised by wolves...slutty wolves?
--Uptown 1 Train
Ooh, Number Two Should Be How She's a Poopy-Head!
Girl #1: I just want to send her a message with a list of all the reasons I hate her.
Girl #2: I know, I know! Make number one on the list how immature she is.
--Park Slope Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ryan
And by That I Mean, "Why Do You Hate Freedom?"
Guy #1: I told the manager they need to start recycling.
Guy #2: Why?
Guy #1: Cuz they don't recycle.
Guy #2: So what!?
--41st & 7th
And Also From Its Mirror Site, Hypochondriasis.com
Girl #1: So I think I may have MS.
Girl #2: You are banned from WebMD! Banned I say!
--Green Kitchen, 76th St
And Even There They Just Do It for Laughs
Girl going through security: Do I have to take off my shoes?
Security guard with Eastern European accent: No, no, is no need. We are not crazy. We are not at the airport.
--Top of the Rock Observation Deck
Overheard by: Those were NOT my roommates!
Which Is Also the Title Of the Self-Help Book I'm Writing for Pubescent Girls
Girl (calmly): She's been having mood swings lately.
Older male friend: What?
Girl (calmly): Mood swings.
Older male friend: What?
Girl (angry): Mood swings, you ass bag!
--E Train
Overheard by: Jillian
And by "They," of Course I Mean Lewis and Clark
Hipster #1: Narwhals don't bite--you're impaled.
Hipster #2: So they must have discovered narwhals before unicorns.
--Wasabi, Manhattan Ave & Bedford Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Laura
We Got Sick Of All the Brainwashing
Man passing out flyers: Now where do you ladies live?
Girl (whispering): Narnia.
--Times Square
How Tourists Learn to Pretend to Be Deaf
Man: I'm sorry to disturb you, but was I mean to you in junior high school? You look just like her and I just want to apologize for anything mean I may have said to you.
Girl: I am not her.
Man: Wow, really? You look just like her and I want to say I'm sorry. So will you forgive me?
Girl: I am not her.
Man: But will you accept my apology?
Girl: I'm not her, um, but, um sure?
Man: You seem so hesitant, where are you from?
Girl: Arizona.
Man: Ahhh, Arizona! Did you come up with that outfit yourself.
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Overheard by: TheNewPaul
Noooo...!
(homeless woman who smells like urine exits train).
Gay guy to rest of train: Okay, does anybody have something I can spritz over here to get rid of this lingering smell?
(everybody on the train looks at him like he's crazy)
Sorority girl, smelling the urine: Oh my god. Is this smell from that woman?
Gay guy: Yeah.
Sorority girl: It's okay, I have something to spray over here.
(digs into purse and takes out an oddly shaped bottle of perfume, sprays a few times, and sits down)
Gay guy: That's a cool bottle.
Sorority girl: Thanks, it's Britney.
--2 Train
And Good Luck Finding Him a Key Chain
Regular mom: What's your son's name?
Wealthy Tribeca mom: E-berry.
Regular mom: Excuse me?
Wealthy Tribeca mom: E-berry. We wanted our son to be unique.
Regular mom, grabbing son and leaving: Come on, Thomas.
--Washington Market Park
Overheard by: laughing nanny
Also Why I Stopped Giving Up My Seat to Old People on the Bus
(teenagers are packing into a crowded subway car where a tiny, ancient-looking bag lady is panhandling)
Woman trying to be helpful: Hey, hey, slow down, careful--there's an old lady you people are gonna knock down!
Bag lady, shouting irately: I'm not old, motherfucker!
--S Train
Overheard by: P. nut
The Polite Term Is "The Ladies' Restroom"
Girl #1: Look at that painting. Is it called "hairy balls"?
Girl #2: It should be.
Girl #1: If it's not called "hairy balls," I'm leaving.
(girl #2 goes to look, comes back)
Girl #2: Something about a baby.
Girl #1: Okay, that's it.
Girl #2: Look, there are thumbtacks near his balls. That has to suck.
Girl #1: Let's go back to the vagina room.
--MoMA
You're Reading Way Too Much Into Those Serta Commercials, Guys.
Man #1, with hands in the air: And what the hell is with those sheep?
Man #2: They originate from New Zealand, right?
--1st Ave & 10th
After 96th, All the White People Have Already Scampered Away
Panhandler, singing "Here Comes the Sun" as he walks through the train: Please give me some money!
Homie: Dude, you need to be on a downtown train! We's poor on the uptown train! You on the wrong fucking train.
--1 Train
Overheard by: trixx117
What's Wrong With My Tasti D-Lite?
Girl #1: God, they're opening another damn Pinkberry here?
Girl #2 (indignant): I know, next they're going to open a Pinkberry in my ass!
Girl #1: Well, it would be a better alternative to what you've got going on now.
--Columbus & 74th St
Overheard by: might want to try that
...Four or Five Hours After You Report Them
Woman with migraine: Help me! I'm dying! I'm dying!
Triage nurse: Alright ma'am, just calm down and tell me what the problem is.
Woman with migraine: I'm fucking dying, what are you, stupid?
Triage nurse: Well, as soon as you develop some signs or symptoms other than being obnoxious, we'll talk.
--NYU Medical Center ER
Overheard by: Turn their ankles
Elements Upon Which Our Country Was Founded
Girl #1: You should definitely Netflix it, it's totally your kind of movie.
Girl #2, skeptically: You think?
Girl #1: Well, you love racism and cowboys don't you?
--MoMA
A Page from Oh, the Places You'll Blow!
Man on subway: Does this train go to 125th Street?
Woman: No. It's going downtown.
Man on subway: Oh, shit. I gotta go to 125th Street and suck a dick to get some crack.
--1 Train
What? I Was at Berkeley in the 70's
Boyfriend: What do they got, babe?
Girlfriend: Um, sandwiches, baked ziti, tossed salad...
Boyfriend: Aaaaw yeeeah. Tooossed saalaad.
Girlfriend: Alex...
Older 50-something: What, what's so funny? What?
Boyfriend: Um...yeah, no. Nothing, I was just being stupid.
(girlfriend giggles)
Older 50-something: What?
(boyfriend whispers in 50-something's ear and she looks confused for a second)
Older aunt: Oh. You mean a rim job.
--Outdoor Cafe, 1st & 7th
Though Some Of the Trimmings Come from Saturn
Man, after looking around store: Where do you get most of your clothes from?
Crazy store owner with face paint on: The moon.
Man: Wait, where?
Crazy store owner with face paint on: Mostly from the moon.
--Clothes Store
Your Editors Have Warned You About This
Guy in stall, as Coldplay's "Viva La Vida" begins to play: Hello? Yeah, what's up? Nothing, just takin' a dump. Taking a dump. Okay, I'll call you later.
Guy in next stall: Fuckin' Coldplay? How gay are you?
Guy in stall: Fuck you, dude!
--TGI Friday's, 5th Ave
He May Just Want to Protect Himself from Giant Fake Nails
Young coed #1: What's with him and hands? He's all about hands. It's weird. He touches every chick's hand and looks at them. What is that?
Young coed #2 (whispering): Hand jobs.
(both laugh hysterically)
Young coed #1: Uuuum, really? What does that mean? He's visualizing?
--A Train
Overheard by: amy d
Unless Anybody Wants to See Me Strip?
(teen comes onto train and does the whole spiel about selling M&Ms for his school, walks up and down the car, no one buys anything)
Teen: I'm also selling weed.
Guy: Really?
Teen: No. But I should go back to dealing, this shit doesn't pay.
--A Train
Overheard by: Graham Davis
...But That's Actually a Tuna Sandwich.
Hipster girl with tattoo: Have you ever masturbated so much your room only smells like pussy?
Hipster girl with nose ring, nonchalantly: It's the best, isn't it?
--Q Train
Overheard by: Alex
Or Did You Mean O'Keeffe?
Guy: So Russia invaded Georgia this morning.
Ditzy girlfriend: Get the fuck out! My aunt lives in Atlanta!
--84th & Broadway
Overheard by: mark
Why You Shouldn't Tell Your Girlfriend Anything
Guy: Hey, Marie, we're going this way. Yeah, Marie...I'm calling you Marie today. Today is "middle name day."
Girlfriend, shrugging: Whatever you say, Carol.
--Canal Street Station
Not the Cylonspital!
Five-year-old girl #1: Then she woke up, and she was in the Cylon hospital.
Five-year-old girl #2, in complete horror: What?!
--Cobble Hill, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Kate
Well, Before the Entrance Exam and the Interview, Yeah
Queer friend to gangsta, enthusiastically: So, lemme ask you a question! How did you decide you wanted to go through with getting initiated and everything?
Gangsta: What?
Queer friend: Like, how did you decide you wanted to join?
(gangsta whispers into friends ear, cautiously)
Queer friend, loudly: So, that's it? You just walk up to them and say, "hey! I'd like to join the bloods"?
--A Train
How to Get a Promotion at The O'Reilly Factor
Man being introduced to teenager: So, what was your name ag...
Interrupting man, holding a large pamphlet: Want to stick your foot up the devil's ass?
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: flmngarrow
Nobody Sweats Like the Slaves of Fashion
(at the Ghostland Observatory show)
Hipster #1: Oh my god, I'm so sweating so much right now.
Hipster #2: I am too. But it might be because I'm wearing leggings on my arms.
--Prospect Park, Brooklyn
Overheard by: mrsmith
Who Needs a Television When You Have New York?
Deranged woman singing "Greatest Love of All": "They can't take away my diiiiiiiiignity..."
Passenger: She doing a stripper dance on that pole! Looks like they took her dignity!
Deranged woman: Mommase, mommasa, momma makosa.
Passenger: She bilingual! But she got her dignity back!
--2 Train
Overheard by: never touch the pole
It's Just That New York State Of Mind
Woman to man: So, how are you?
Man: Oh, I'm just peachy!
Woman: Really? How was your day?
Man: Great, I'm ready to hang myself!
Woman: Why what happened?
Man: Nothing. You know, that's every day. Actually, today wasn't even so bad.
--Subway Station
He Takes His Performance Fees in Cigarettes
Suit #1: Have you heard from Robert? How is he?
Suit #2: He's running his hedge fund from prison.
--79th St & Park Ave
Overheard by: Boagy
You Know They'd Cook With Transubstantiated Fats
20 year-old guy: What if the afterlife and hell exists? I mean if it does, there has to be a society because billions of people would be there by now.
Friend: Yeah...
20 year-old: So that's a lot of people, like a society has to emerge since there can't be that many demons and torturers. You would have like a McDonald's and people working there. (pause) But you could be working there, and it could be every day for an eternity.
Friends: That's so much worse than hell.
--New Jersey Transit, Port Authority Bus Terminal
Because You Steal Kids from Orphanages?
Jewish girl: That reminds me of this old Jewish story. Like, there was this queen with seven sons and she had to decide which one would be king, so she told all of them to go bring her a great treasure and they all came back with like gold and jewels but then the youngest one came back with this little orphan girl and he's like "Oh, she just needs love," so the mom is like, "yes, you shall be king!"
(entire class is silent)
Random guy: Wait...what?
Jewish boy: This is why we're oppressed.
--Stuyvesant High School
Plus the Holy Water Always Burns
40-something woman #1: I heard the New Year's Eve party at the church was whack.
40-something woman #2: Thank god I didn't go to church.
--E 42nd St
Overheard by: peterjohn
I Know -- The Color Purple?! What Kinda Fag Shit Is That??
Teen Girl to friend: I'd much rather he got turned on by his two friends than a Broadway show. I mean, how *gay* would that be?
--Boardwalk, Brighton Beach
What's That Supposed to Mean?
Obese Midwestern tourist: So are we gonna go get that falafel thing?
Other Midwestern tourist: Well, if we're gonna go to Hooters we don't need to get the falafel thing.
Obese Midwestern tourist: Why not? I could eat both.
Other Midwestern tourist: Do you know what a falafel thing is?
Obese Midwestern tourist: It's like ice cream.
Other Midwestern tourist: Oh, really? I thought that was gelato.
Obese Midwestern tourist: No, dumbass.
Other Midwestern tourist: Okay, well I guess you'd know...
--7 Train
Overheard by: Caitlin
Dumbledore: Me First!
(group of socialites-in-training exit cab)
Yuppie with dark round glasses: Here's your tip, cabbie.
Cabbie: Oh, great.
Yuppie: Well, fuck you very much.
Cabbie, driving off: Screw you, Harry Potter!
--Canal & Orchard St
Overheard by: Jynx
To Be Fair, It Arrives So Infrequently That Even We Forget.
Subway announcement: The next l train is now arriving on the Manhattan bound track.
Midwest tweaker, to no one in particular: Boo-yah! Buh-buh-buh boo-yah! (blows snot rocket onto subway tracks) The l train? What the fuck is that?
--Bedford L Train
Overheard by: Ben Graney
I Am Their King!
Woman being introduced to a man: You already met me, you never remember my name!
Very angry man: No, I don't know you! I'm no ordinary dummy!
--Flying Saucer Café, Brooklyn
I Think It's Like a Bathroom Thing
Boy #1, looking at picture book: Grapes are purple, corn is yellow, tomatoes are red, edamame is green.
Boy #2: I think those are peas.
Boy #1: What are peas?
--LIRR
Overheard by: loisann
...Until After That Nice Girl Has Finished Dancing
Little girl: Daddy, what's an orgasm?
Dad: It's kinda like a sneeze. Now don't ask me any more questions.
--Times Square
Explains Why I Saw You Cleaning Your Windshield with Her Hair
(guy brings in daughter to work and introduces her to everyone except one woman)
Left out coworker: You brought your daughter in here and introduced her to everyone but me?
Guy: Yeah, so?
Left-out coworker: That's messed up and immature.
Guy: How so? She's my daughter and I do whatever I want with her.
--52nd & 7th
To Be Fair, a Lot Of Us Would Like to Forget About Connecticut
Skinny white girl: Okay, so you know how they're always saying "the Tri-State area"?
Hispanic friend: Yeah.
Skinny white girl: They mean New York, New Jersey, and Atlantic City right?
Hispanic friend: I think so...
--Nail Salon, Kew Gardens
From the All-Hobo Rendition Of the Star Wars Trilogy
Hobo #1: Stop it!
Hobo #2 (pulling away stops and yelling): Is this how you treat your autistic son?
Hobo #1 (shocked): You're not my son!
--34th St & Park Ave
Sylvia Hadn't Realized They Were off Staten Island.
Suit, tapping singing girl on the shoulder: You sing wonderfully.
Girl: Thank you very much.
Suit: Yeah, by "wonderfully" I mean it sounds like a cat getting ass raped by a donkey. So I am sure that everyone else would appreciate you not doing that anymore as it is only 6 am.
(passengers clap)
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Nobody Says Much About Bistro 404
Dude: Oh, man. You need Flash to check out this restaurant's website.
Chick: Does that mean it's really nice?
--Starbucks, W 53rd St
Which Barely Has Running Water
Drunk man: Me and fat Dave, we're goin' out old school!
Female coworker: Old school?
Drunk man: Yeah, Hoboken!
--Restaurant, 52nd & 10th
Whose Basketball Playing Will We Mock Then?
Thug #1: I heard some shit like white people is dying out, like they ain't gonna be here in like a hundred years. Dead ass.
Thug #2: You mean the whole world gonna be like Harlem, and Chinatown and shit?
Thug #1: Yea, nigga.
Thug #2: That shit will be tight, son!
Thug #1 (looking around): Nah, nigga, that shit scary.
--112th & Lexington
Stupid People Don't Know It's Okay to Say "I Don't Know"
Blonde #1: So what exactly is in a piña colada?
Blonde #2: It's pineapple, coconut, and, um...lada.
--3rd Ave & 20th St
Overheard by: Annie Costa
Bacon!
Little girl #1 (shocked): I didn't know your dad smokes!
Little girl #2 (rolling her eyes sighing loudly): Not cigarettes.
--Church & Chambers
That Explains Your 2002 Christmas Card
Michigan tourist: The first time I came to New York, Shannon and I saw two men pull knives on each other--they had a gang fight in the street!
Michigan tourist's mom: Oh my!
Michigan tourist: It was hysterical. We took pictures.
--Long Island Railroad
Wednesday Hotliners
Fat girl at bar: Be hot, be educated, bend me over. That's all I want.
--Kenny's Castaways
Overheard by: Richard
Conductor (bitchily): Ladies and gentlemen, if you think the car you are in is too hot, feel free to get up and move!
--NJ Transit, Penn Station
Teenage girl to friend: Yeah, right, like, "Hi, I took the school bus with you in elementary school. Now you're really hot." (both laugh)
--Hunter College High School
Overheard by: Rosebud
Man on phone: Hey man, she was hot. But listen, don't tell her I have a girlfriend, okay?
--5th Ave & 10th St
Overheard by: i'm going to break it to her gently
Teenage girl on cell: Yes, I know you're not supposed to take pills from people you don't know, but he was so hot! And then I think I had sex with him.
--Chinatown Bus Station
Overheard by: Emily
A Lost Generation Of Wednesday One-Liners
Hipster kid: I should just stop wearing underwear altogether.
--Loews Cinema, 84th St
Hipster girl on cell: Is it "i before e" or "e before i"? "E before i," right? I knew it was "i before e"!
--11th & Ave A
Overheard by: Jerome
Drunk hipster girl to boyfriend: I can't afford to buy drugs, I have to buy lunch on Wednesday.
--A Train
Overheard by: Jesse Jack
Angry hipster girl: Why are there so many ATMs everywhere?!
--6th St & Bedford Ave
Overheard by: Cash Money
Hipster girl, commenting on painting to friend: God, you see diamonds everywhere now. They're like the new antlers.
--Bushwick Art Loft
Effing Wednesday One-Liners
Chick on cell: The well of his fuckwaddery springs eternal.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Columbia student: Fuck. Fucking titties! What the fuck? Fucking titties, this is some goddamn bullshit! I really want a snack.
--110th & Broadway
Guy to girl: Are you serious? I'm not fucking creepy, okay? I'm not fucking creepy.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: NYU girl
Man on bicycle, yelling at car: Fuck you! Yeah, use your fucking blinkers, you fuckstick!
--10th & Broadway
Overheard by: Helene and Alice
Guy on cell, in monotone with no pauses: Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, I need you, I need you, I need you, bitch. (hangs up)
--M4 Bus
Project Wednesday One-Linerway
Boy on cell: A swimsuit and a medal? That's a lot of clothes to wear. Hello? Hello?
--NYU
Overheard by: Xy
Man to other sitting on sidewalk: Dude... you know, gloves actually make your hands colder. They're not worth it, man.
--Astor Place
Small Middle Eastern male cashier to white girl: You are wearing things all black! Black bag, black coat, black hair. The only thing not black is you!
--Duane Reade
NYU hipster: People wearing white are in a cult, okay?
--NYU
Overheard by: Boots
Blind lady carrying cane, pointing to clothing on rack: Oh, this this looks good!
--Kmart, 34th St
Overheard by: AussieinNYC
A Fancy Feast of Wednesday One-Liners
60-year-old woman to friend, at Met opening gala: I'm not going to go to the opera this year. There are no fancy entrances.
--62nd & Amsterdam, Improvised Met Entrance
Overheard by: Melissa
Crazy man to group of young women: Hello ladies, are you having a nice night? (women ignore him) You could just say "yes." I'm not Jack the Ripper, I'm not the Boston Strangler...look at you, walking all fancy and shit!
--125th & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Anna
Tourist girl: Y'all, Times Square is so fancy. They have a red lobster!
--Times Square
Hobo: Red lobster? What kind of fancy guy do you know? You're lucky if I can buy you a slice of pizza.
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Overheard by: hungry4biscuits
Crazy guy on subway: You have to hold onto your valuables, your Christmas presents, your fancy lingerie...because if you put them down, someone will take them. People are really fast around here. Men, women, transvestites...transvestites are really fond of fancy lingerie.
--Northbound R Train
Overheard by: ElizabethB
Wednesday Drunk-Liners
Tipsy, barefoot woman, lifting skirt in broad daylight: Gotta air out my coochie!
--W 88th St
Belligerent drunk woman: I've never even heard of these fucking stops! (later) Scarsdale! I don't even know how to spell "Scarsdale"! Other than...Scarsdale. (later) What the fuck is Hartsdale? Slap me across the face with a big dick!
--Metro-North Train
Drunk girl to friends sitting on a couch left on the sidewalk: Don't sit on that couch, it's probably covered in bodily urine!
--East Village
Overheard by: Herr Professor Doktor
Drunk wife to drunk husband during poker game: Don't you dare tell me about things that I don't understand!
--Poker Game, Astoria
Overheard by: NYCWATERBABY
Drunk girl: Bedford Avenue does not know how to find the clit!
--L Train
I Think There's Something Wrong With My Wednesday One-Liner
Girl to friend: You mean the labia? No, that's a vagina part.
--13th & Ave B
Overheard by: Caroline
Woman to friend, in line for bathroom: I'm taking that medication that makes it really dry, again.
--Ethel Barrymore Theater
Overheard by: Crumb Doughnut
Cornelius, crazy hobo: Yo' pussy looks betta' than yo' face!
--Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Lily London & China Rose
Monotone suit on cell: That pussy better be ready by the time I get home.
--Houston & Broadway
Girl on cell waiting for Port Jefferson train: Okay, be serious for a second, how do you know if you're allergic to latex, though? Really, cause dead honest, it's a puffed mushroom right now. I don't know what to do. Should I go see someone, do you think Henry would notice? Really, what if I turn off the lights?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Chester
Wednesday One-Liners--Easy As 1, 2, 3
Conductor: This is 72nd St. Stand clear of the closing doors. B train. B for "brighten up your day" train. (at the next stop) Folks, this is 59th Street, and just like magic we are now an express train. B express train. Stand clear of the closing doors.
--B Train
Overheard by: ryder
Train conductor: You can transfer to the M as in "money," the N as in "Nick," and the R as in "Romeoooooo!"
--D Train
Guy on cell, giving directions: So you take the D line... No, D as in "David." D! D! A, b, c, d! (pause) No, D. Okay...then you walk down to Hoffman Street... Hoffman Street, as in "Dustin Hoffman." He's that actor, with a big nose, that you really like, the one that's in that movie about your life...yeah...yeah! He's a cross-dresser! Tootsie! That's you, bro!
--Arthur Ave
Overheard by: eternal student
Creepy old man to creepy friend: We should be on the V. V for "vagina". We're on the F. F for "fuck."
--Downtown F Train
Overheard by: CL
Conductor: There is no C train like "Charlie" all weekend. The D train like "Dick" is helping us out. I probably shouldn't have said that. It's okay, you'll overlook that when I tell you that this A train will keep its express status.
--A Train
Overheard by: Nay
Wednesday One-Liners Blame Their Mothers
CCNY student: I've always thought he has psychological problems. (pause) Like, he's one of those people that has to flip the light switch 17 times or the whole world dies.
--Hallway, CCNY
Overheard by: ladyliver
Suit on cell: She is trying to get a good education so that she can pay for therapy later on.
--1250 Broadway
Loud male customer counting out packets of chewing tobacco: One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Ever since I quit my job at Sesame Street, I can't seem to live my life. Kermit is my shrink, so of course I'm screwed...
--Smoke Shop, Park Slope
Overheard by: Kiri
Dude hanging up his cell: Oh my god, I think all Jewish girls need therapy.
--Good Stuff Diner, 14th St
Overheard by: Kosi
Suit on cell: Dude, I know, but like, you either get help, or you're normal. (pause) No, dude, pick one, get help or be normal. Damn.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Sarah
History teacher to class: Does that make you uncomfortable? Because I know I'm mental.
--Bronx High School of Science
Overheard by: Lillian
Wednesday One-Liners?
Woman, picking up rubber ball, to employee: Oh, what can you do with this?
--Scholastic Store, Soho
Freshman girl: What do we, like, throw in the recycling bin?
--Leon M. Goldstein High School
Overheard by: Robert Gleyberman
Woman, descending stairs onto train platform: Oh my god! Is that a train?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: curious to know what else she was expecting to see at a train station...
Random tourist to young Asian kid: Do you sell fake bags?
--Canal Street Station
Astute shopper: Do you take Duane Reade cards here?
--Duane Reade
Overheard by: fellow customer
Guy on cell: Bagels with butter? Where am I gonna get that?
--Upper East Side
Overheard by: sarahjane
WednesDEA One-Liners
Loud guy: Hey! Illegal drugs, anyone? Illegal drugs? I want to buy some illegal drugs!
--6th Ave & 34h St
Overheard by: Emily
College girl to friend: Remember that time when you slept with that drug trafficker?
--33rd & 3rd
Man in restaurant: After the roofies I took I was a total mess, it was amazing.
--23rd & 10th
Overheard by: Matt
Man to friend holding Diet Coke: Do you remember when they had this at that gay bathhouse I had to go to because my drug dealer was there?
--Duane Reade
Dude, about crowd: I'm so glad we dropped acid before coming here.
--Trader Joe's, Union Square
Overheard by: Kat
Loud girl on cell: She can't just call you up and like, reminisce and be like, "remember when we loved each other?" Oh, and I don't even want to talk about the conversation we had this morning. There's no excuse to do acid!
--Wagner College
The Liquid Assets Of Wednesday One-Liners
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay. There is a problem with a signal and there are trains in front of us. The good news is, there's a bar car!
--Metro North
Overheard by: Anna
Obese lady buying pork chops to obese friend: I be cutting down on on soda.
--Troy Ave & Park Place
Exasperated woman: And he was drinking Jack Daniels before he even got to my place...
--3rd & 6th
Overheard by: j
Female suit on cell: Well, what do you expect? It was green Gatorade and grain alcohol!
--Broadway & 54th St
Overheard by: Loren
Bag lady to another: Listen, Alice, if you don't want to lose your leg, you gotta drink water, they'll take your legs otherwise.
--42nd St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Robin
Frantic woman on cell: Oh my god! There is no soy milk anywhere in this city! (sprints out of Starbucks)
--Starbucks, Times Square
Overheard by: ellie
Tough guy outside bar with friends: So I like apple juice. What the fuck?
--East Village
...Having to Dye Your Hair Blond and Everything.
Random girl: Mr. Smith*, you should come see the play tonight. I'm playing a retard and a Barbie!
Teacher: That must be quite a stretch for you.
--Bard High School Early College
Same Thing Happened to Me at a Strip Club. True Story
Pet shop owner: Don't touch the puppies!
Girl: He touched me!
Pet shop owner: He can't read. The sign is there for you.
--Pet Shop
But We're Headed to Queens!!
Obnoxious female tourist: Help, I'm lost!
Cop: No you're not! You're on the f train!
--F Train
When You're Holding a Fist Full Of Hundreds, Yeah.
Rushing lady: Hold that train! Hold that train!
(conductor waits until she's on board)
Fellow commuter: That works?!
--6 Train
Overheard by: wikigreenwood
You've Been Saving That Up All Day, Haven't You?
Young male professional: So no, you're wrong about that point, we're going to do it my way.
Young female professional: I hope you get a diaper rash so bad that you start walking like King Kong raped you!
--38th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Untuned2thebeat
Isn't It Great That We Can Talk Like This?
Black MTA employee guy: My brother is the conductor on this train.
Hispanic MTA employee woman: Is that right? What's his name?
Black MTA employee guy: I don't know.
Hispanic MTA employee woman: You don't know his name? And he's your brother?
Black MTA employee guy: He's a brother from another mother. You know, kinda light-skinned, with freckles.
Hispanic MTA employee woman: Oh, I know that guy. He hangs out with what's-his-name.
Black MTA employee guy: Yeah, right.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Stephanie Luke
She's More Interested in the Facts Than Fox News
Stone cold crazy panhandler lady, entering subway car: That man in the brown jacket, who's gonna tell you not to give me money, he's the JonBenet Ramsey rapist.
Impressed observer, reaching for wallet: That was definitely worth a dollar.
Stone cold crazy panhandler lady, walking on: And then in Carrie, they put the blood on the people and then they jerked off the dog.
Impressed observer: I should have given her two dollars.
--Downtown D Train
Overheard by: stephie
He Also Sells Girl Scout Cookies Outside Weight Watchers Meetings
Guy holding unlit cigarette: Hey, got a light?
Woman exiting building: You're standing outside a cancer hospital, asshole.
--York Ave & E 67th St
Overheard by: quitalongtimeago
Folgers Commercials Get More Racy Every Year
Old woman: Everyday I wake up is a good day.
(pause)
Old man: Everyday I get a boner is a good day.
--Grand Central
We're Not That French
Little boy, collapsing onto mother's lap: I am so hungover.
Mother: What?! No you're not! (to anyone within earshot) No, he's not.
--JFK Airport
Overheard by: Darcie
Even the Nuns in This Town Are Sassy
Nun: A donation please for St. Francis? (stretches out her hand with a silver plate)
Woman: I'm sorry.
Nun: Yeah, ya look it.
--Union Square Holiday Market
Overheard by: stacey
Buying Me a MacBook Air Would Greatly Expedite That Process
Dad to sullen goth son: Are you okay?
Goth: I will be...someday.
--Midtown
Unless That's You, Lord
Suit, after losing a sleeve button on escalator: Oh, motherfucker!
Pre-recorded service announcement: Have a nice day!
Suit: Yeah, fuck you too.
--E Train
Should We Do That for Our Science Fair Project?
Teen girl: My dad told me that pee was nutritious.
Friend: Oh? Pee's only like 95% water and 5% waste. I don't think there's any nutrition in it.
Teen girl: Oh.
(a few minutes later)
Teen girl: Do you think pee would taste like sugar if all you ate were sugar and water?
Friend: Then wouldn't the pee be like 95% water and 5% sugar?
--6 Train
Dude, Even Alanis Morissette Would Know That Wasn't Ironic
Guy #1: Dude! You're such a girl! (laughs)
Guy #2: You know, the only reason that insults like that even work is because they're ironic. So shut the fuck up.
--F Train
It Kind of Just Slows Down, and You Need to Jump
Confused man: Does this train stop at 48th St?
Four random people, in unison: No!
Train conductor on loudspeaker: The next stop is 48th Street.
(confused man looks even more confused)
--Downtown V Train
Overheard by: jonescicles
Because I Can Totally Work a Carpet Steamer
Girl #1: Boys make me so angry. Sometimes I think about changing teams.
Girl #2: You can't just "change teams". You have to be picked for that team.
Girl #1: What? How do I get picked?
Girl #2 (laughing): You have to clean the carpets of all the team members.
Girl #1 (after pause): What kind of team are we talking about?
--12th Street
Overheard by: Team Player
Bob and CNNdy Are Such a Cute Couple
Guy: So, Plaxico Burress shoots himself with an illegal gun, and now he's going to be the next Senator from Illinois?
Girl: Sometimes I have no idea why I dated you.
--R Train
Overheard by: Yeah, it took me a second, too.
I Guess It's More Like Doing the Macarena
Goth female store employee #1: It's not like I'm amputating a leg.
Goth female store employee #2: Not technically.
--Manhattan Store
Right, But It's More Like, "Oh! Oh! Oh, God! Ohhh!"
Preppy girl: Well, then it gets hard, duh!
Preppy guy: But... Oh... Oh!
--5th Ave
Overheard by: Angel
He Doesn't Crawl, He Pole Vaults
Hispanic male (about son): It's like this long! (demonstrates with fingers)
Hispanic female: Wow!
Hispanic male: I swear. I'm so proud of him.
--M Train
Overheard by: bsmpm
Remember the Old Saying: "Not a Lot of Room/You Don't Have a Womb"
Guy: How do you know I don't have a uterus?
Girl: Because you're too skinny to have one!
--Rooftop Party, South Williamsburg
Overheard by: wombat
Them, and the Handicapped People in Charge of English
Guy #1: Wait, so they make oranges out of meat?
Guy #2: No, they just call that part "the meat of the fruit." There's no actual meat involved.
Guy #1: That's retarded! Who comes up with this shit?
Guy #2: I guess the people who grow the shit.
--Mott & Canal
I'm Never Letting You Dog-Sit Again.
Tranny to friend: I shat all over his dick last night, and he licked it up off the floor.
Friend: Oh, honey!
--4th Ave & 12th St
...As It's Known in Scotland...
Girl: Excuse me, do you know if there's a Bed Bath & Beyond around here?
Confused doorman: Bloody bed and be what?
--47th & 2nd, Dag Hammerskjold Towers
Overheard by: Doug Stone
Ooo, or a Prada Bag!
Queer #1: So, what do you want to do tonight?
Queer #2: I don't know, what do you want to do?
Queer #1: I want to have sex tonight!
Queer #2: You want to have sex with me!
Queer #1: No, with a stranger!
Queer #2: Well...we could put a brown bag over my head!
--17th & 7th Cafeteria
The DVD's Selling Briskly
Girl #1: Will you be my Valentine?
Girl #2: Of course!
Girl #1: Yay! Let's smear dark chocolate all over our buttocks and spank each other with peacock feathers! And suck on each others candy necklaces.
Girl #2: You're kinky.
Girl #1: You know it.
--Bleecker St
Overheard by: kinkyvalentines
On the Other Hand, That Bottle Was Probably Made by Kids
Teen to hobo tossing empty bottle on the ground: Hey, don't leave that here! Kids play around here!
Hobo: I hate kids.
Random passerby: You can't beat that logic!
--Central Park
Open Up Those Thighs and Let Him In!
Tired commuter: I'm just gonna sit here...I'm too tired to stand.
(she squeezes in small space between two girls.)
Angry girl: You know, you shouldn't touch people's thighs!
Tired commuter: Ooooh, you need Jesus!
--Uptown A Train
Overheard by: ...because that logically follows?
So Pretty Much the Same As the Semester
Girl #1: So how's your break going?
Girl #2: Oh, you know, I've been stumbling upon a lot.
--Mulberry St
Our Offspring Would Still Be More Attractive Than British Children
Woman #1, reading about a moose: He uses his antlers to fight battles and attract mates.
Woman #2: He's got my attention.
--American Museum of Natural History
Ann Coulter: The Tour Guide Years
Local: Over there is yon castle. Scientists believe that the castle is haunted by the ghosts of unwed mothers.
Tourist: Sounds scary.
Local: You are wise to fear it.
--The Great Lawn, Central Park
It May or May Not Be the Key to Resolving the Energy Crisis
Ditzy blond fashion plate: So, I've called her like five times, and I feel kind of stupid, 'cuz it's just lip gloss, but it was like a $38 lip gloss, and I really want it back.
Ditzy brunette fashion plate: Everyone on the train is totally laughing at us.
Ditzy blond: Yeah, I mean it is just lip gloss. Really good lip gloss, though.
Ditzy brunette: Whatever, lip gloss is important!
--Commuter Train, Penn Station
Overheard by: afalpi
But He Wrote It under the Pseudonym "Anne Frank"
Redhead: Do you keep a standard diary?
Brunette: No.
Redhead: You should. Winston Churchill did, and Winston Churchill won World War II.
Brunette: I think Hitler had a diary, too.
--Fort Greene Park
Overheard by: Lulu
Are You Even Allowed to Be a Chooser?
Hobo, picking up a nervous patron's martini glass: Dang, this looks good--do you mind...?
Woman: No, it's all yours, you can have it. I don't want it anymore.
Hobo, sipping, then violently spitting vodka to the ground: Lord! This taste like shit! White folks ain't got no taste for alcohol.
Woman: That's a Belvedere martini.
Hobo: Yeah, that supposed to be good?
--30th & 3rd
Overheard by: Anniemal
People Here Are Way Too Busy Being Hip
Drunk guy #1, to buddies: Hey, fuckheads! It's this way!
Drunk guy #2: Man, we totally almost just died.
Drunk guy #1: Dude, no one is gonna to kill you here. We're in the East Village.
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: JD
We're Fairly Certain Paula Abdul Manages
Guy #1: I was sleeping and someone came in and stabbed me in the head three times! Next thing I know I'm in a coma for two months!
Guy #2: Whoa...was you high?
Guy #1: High?! Man, I was sleeping! How can I be high when I asleep?
Guy #2: Oh...
--F Train
Overheard by: cs
I Already Give Her Cash Every Time
Bartender: Are you getting her anything for Valentine's Day?
20-something guy: Probably not.
Bartender: Nothing? Flowers? Anything?
20-something guy: What am I supposed to do? Send a note that says "thanks for fucking me"?
--57th St
Yeah, We Didn't Know, Either
(tiny Asian girl in a striped skirt and high-heeled boots is hauling a suitcase up the stairs from the subway).
Hobo: You know who you look like?
Asian girl: Who?
Hobo: You know who you look like?
Asian girl: Who?
Hobo: Girl, you look like Paul Lynde.
--12th St & 7th Ave
I Thought This Was a Bus
Conductor #1: We are sorry for the delay, there is a stalled e train at 7th Avenue. We will be going uptown on the...uhm...which line are we going on?
Conductor #2 (exasperated): I have no fucking clue.
(train laughs)
--E Train
Overheard by: So how am i getting home?
Crack Rats
Girl, pointing at hose lying on sidewalk: Daddy, is that to make the rats stop smoking?
Dad: Yes.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: MPW
Hobo: Stupid Dogs Steal All the Glory
Man: That's why I make you guys take your shoes off when we get into the house. When I was a kid, people would make their dogs poop on the street, so you had to watch where you step when crossing the street. Now it's just everywhere, all over the sidewalks.
Kid: Ew!
Man: They outta call this "Park Poop" instead of Park Slope.
Kid: Poop Slope!
Man: Haha, yeah, Poop Slope! Whoa, did you see that? That was a big one, like from a Great Dane or something!
--Park Slope, Brooklyn
Overheard by: elaisted
Our Nation's Hopes for the Obama Administration Are Decidedly Low
Young white yuppie woman: Well, as long as he keeps his pants on it should be alright.
Young white yuppie man: I hope so.
--6th Ave & 42nd St
Overheard by: Daniel
Especially Since All Plantation Labor Was Air Conditioned
Woman #1, fanning herself on crowded train: It is hot.
Woman #2, also fanning herself: If this were the Underground Railroad, damn, I would have been a slave forever.
--A Train
Which Was Saddam's First Mistake
Columbia girl, looking at cell phone: Oh shit, I have like five missed calls from State Department! Should I call them back? Is it too late now?
Columbia guy, bewildered: What? The State Department?
(girl's cell phone rings)
Columbia girl: Hi, daddy. Well, I realize that, but I just got them. Well, do you think it's too late to call back now? Okay, I'll call them ASAP.
Columbia guy: What did your dad say?
Columbia girl: He told me that when the State Department calls, you should probably answer.
--Le Monde, Morningside Heights
Overheard by: bored prof
The Car with the Big Red X Through It Is a Little Ambiguous
Blonde preppy to cop writing parking ticket: Excuse me, but I'm not sure if I understand the sign back there correctly. Is it okay to park there?
Cop: I only have a GED, and I understand it.
--8th St & Broadway
Overheard by: you're so getting a ticket
Half of Whom Think It'll Take Them to the Sandwich Shop
Man to tourist who has just pushed the "subway" button on elevator: That button doesn't work.
Tourist: Really?
Man: Yeah, you have to go to the main level and take an escalator.
Tourist: Oh. Then why is that button even there?
Man: To confuse tourists.
--Port Authority
Tonight's Movie: Big Poopy in Little Minor
Mom to two-year-old: So did we have a little poopy accident or a big poopy accident?
Two-year-old, squealing in disgust: Eeeeeew!
Mom: I guess that answers my question.
--53rd & 8th
Overheard by: Jen
The 2004 Election Affected Us All Differently
Old woman to am New York guy: So that was about four years ago, and I haven't been with another man since.
am New York guy: Oh yeah?
--8th St & 34th St
And Steal Crack. But That's It.
Teenage girl on cell: Yo, we just got a new game, you wanna come over?
Teenage boyfriend: (mumbles)
Teenage girl on cell: All you gotta do is get high.
Teenage boyfriend: (mumbles).
Teenage girl on cell: And drunk.
--7th Ave & 50th
Overheard by: Aaron
Pugilism While Gurgling?
Conductor: Attention passengers, there will be no purgalism on this train tonight.
Drunken passengers: Did he just say "purgalism"? What the fuck is "purgalism"? Is that even a word?
(five minutes later)
Conductor: There will also be no puking on this train. No puking and no purgalism. I will not be taking any questions tonight.
--LIRR
Do You Want Pre-op or Post-op?
Older worn-out assistant: Do you know how hard it is to find an on-call tranny hooker?
Suit: On-call?
--51st St & Park Ave
Overheard by: krissy
Don't Worry, There'll Be a New Evil Empire Before You Know It
Coworker #1: When I studied abroad in Germany I was...
Coworker #2 (interrupting): Oh, did you see the Great Wall?
Coworker #1: In China?
Coworker #2: No. (laughs) The one in Germany. Don't they have one in Germany?
Coworker #1: The Berlin wall? That's not there anymore.
Coworker #2: Oh. What a shame.
--Office, Midtown
Overheard by: get me out of finance
Well, Are You Using a Java Jacket?
NYU girl #1: Drinking Starbucks does not make you skip your period.
NYU girl #2: It totally does!
--Starbucks
Fine, But Next Class Leave Your Spirit Animal at Home
Girl conducting movement workshop: Can you tell us about your experience with dance?
Girl in workshop: Well, I like to dance naked around fires. Oh, I'm a pagan.
--Hunter College School of Social Work
I Would Totally Breed With Her
Suit #1: Oh hey, how did dinner with Karen go the other night?
Suit #2: Oh man, she is so hot. She looks like...like a golden retriever. Too bad she has a boyfriend.
--Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: Have been told I look like a Burmese cat
The Very Best of Everything, Right Up the Old Snot Locker
Guy #1: Yeah...I heard she looks like Amy Winehouse.
Guy #2: Naw, man she looks like she treats herself like Amy Winehouse...there's a difference.
--31st & 8th
Just a Little One
Tween #1, concerned: So what is going on with you and Becky and those midgets?
Tween #2, contemplative and distant: We just have...a connection.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Neilium
For the Rest of Her Life She'll Tell the Story of the Day She Almost Went to the East Village
(well-dressed woman gets on downtown train at 34th Street, and gets agitated upon realizing it's not an uptown train)
Guy to well-dressed woman: The Upper East Side is the other way!
--6 Train
Overheard by: Marcus
I've Been Clapping Since You Were Born
Mother: Fairies like getting back in the pram.
Kid: I'm not a fairy!
Mother: Yes you are.
--10th & 1st
Overheard by: ashleigh
Why Are You Brad Pitt in Every Hypothetical?
Gay guy: I'm the understudy? How does this make sense? I'm so good and Greg is so awful.
Girl: Yeah, I don't know.
Gay guy: It's like Brad Pitt being cast as an extra for Pauly Shore's new movie. And I'm Brad Pitt!
--8th & 30th
Overheard by: Rob Anderson
U2?
Cute blonde: So, Mike is going back to his ex-girlfriend.
Cute redhead: Ewww! Why? He's a moron. This is exactly why my new year's resolution is to become a cutter and start smoking again.
Cute blonde: Seriously, I'm ready to slice my shit.
Cute redhead: Oh! We should we bedazzle our razor blades.
Cute blonde: Yes! I'm putting hearts on mine. You know, in the name of love.
--W Broadway & Spring
"Creative" Is a Euphemism for "Ignorant"
Overly talkative man, after seeing "transparent monument" exhibit: I saw a white cloud and a gray cloud but I didn't see no black cloud...If I was Native American I would see a red cloud!
Man's Asian girlfriend: Or a purple one!
Overly talkative man: What?!
--Elevator, The Met
Overheard by: liselle boyette
Weren't You Jamaican Yesterday?
Teenager: I don't know if I would wear a fur coat, ever.
Friend: I know I would, just as long as it wasn't raccoon...raccoons are just gross.
Hobo with heavy Russian accent: In mother Russia raccoon wear you!
--LIRR
A Grateful City Applauds Your Decision, Ma'am
Woman on treadmill: I'm big on charity. But I only like giving money to kids that are messed up. You know, the ones who get in fights, skip school...
Man on treadmill: Mmmm. You know, the other kids that don't screw up are the ones who really deserve rewards.
Woman on treadmill, skeptically: Yeah. But I like kids that are messed up. That is why I don't ever want to have kids.
--Brooklyn Heights
Let's Get a Picture of You Stroking His Goblet of Fire!
Tourist mom, pointing to Equus sign: Oh, eek-quass. Look, and it's with your favorite, Harry Potter.
11-year-old daughter: Uh huh.
Mom: Oh! And he has no shirt on! Look, honey!
--44th & Broadway
Overheard by: Slightly uncomfortable, queezy male