Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
February 2009 Archives
Instead Of Wearing Ratty T-Shirts, I'd Have to Wear Gucci Ratty T-Shirts
Girl: I can't take the $100,000.
Guy: Why not?
Girl: Cause being poor is a part of who I am.
--Columbia Medical Center
Overheard by: Philips Loh
The Only Winners Here Are the Crabs Who Continue to Thrive.
Ghetto girl: So I used his razor to shave my armpits and he got all pissed talkin' bout germs and shit. I told him, "with all the humpin' we's been doin' I think I'm the one who needs to be worried about germs with all your STDs!"
Ghetto friend: Word.
--6 Train
Not Anymore, Right?
Male passenger: One of her daughters has head lice, so she didn't come in to work today.
Female companion (wincing): That's ridiculous! It's not like she has AIDS or something!
--LIRR
Overheard by: Les Izzmore
Like, Elizabeth Taylor Sad
Blonde in stilettos: My boss told me that she slept with Mick Jagger.
Blonde in pumps: Recently?
Blonde in stilettos: No, back when he was beautiful.
Blonde in pumps: He was beautiful?
Blonde in stilettos: In the sixties.
Blonde in pumps: That's so sad.
--Marquee's
And at Least They Blow Me
Chick: You rotate girlfriends like handkerchiefs.
Dude: If they are confused bitches who like making me uncomfortable.
--Roebling Tea Room, Williamsburg
In Spanish, This Is a Two-Hour Conversation
(in Spanish)
Hispanic woman #1: Girl, I couldn't pee all day. I just peed before we left the office, that's it.
Hispanic woman #2: You gotta go to the doctor for that, you know. Could be bad.
Hispanic woman #3: I peed so much today... I just couldn't stop! It just went on and on for so long. I peed so much I felt something break, you know?
Hispanic woman #1: Girl!
--39th & 8th
Another Successful Workday for Pedro
Drunk sorority girl #1: My feet hurt.
Creepy hobo: Do you need someone to rub 'em for you, baby?
Drunk sorority girl #2: Violated! Violated!
--Bleecker & McDougal
Fine, I'm Pee-Shy, Okay?
Little girl in stall with her mother: Are you going to go?
Mother: No.
Little girl: You aren't going to go?
Mother: No.
Little girl: You aren't going to go?
Mother: No, I don't have to go.
Little girl: But you said you had to go!
Mother: I changed my mind.
Little girl: That's not something you can change your mind about!
--Ladies' Room, Saks Fifth Avenue
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Drinking Alcohol, Missing Curfew--It's a Nightmare.
Man: Say, how's your tapeworm doing?
Woman: Oh, don't even get me started!
--R Train
Overheard by: Chad L.
But at Least We Don't Have to Take Off Corsets
Man at urinal #1: I'd like to smack the motherfucker who invented the button fly.
Man at urinal #2: Seriously. He clearly wasn't a drinker.
Man at urinal #1: It's just so selfish.
--Shea Stadium
Did You Look in Aisle Seven?
Cashier: Hi ma'am, did you find everything you wanted?
Big funky black lady: Yeah, I guess so. Too bad you guys don't sell husbands here.
--Bath and Body Works, Park Ave & 23rd
Overheard by: thinking the same thing
It's How My Family Referred to My First Wedding
Skinny black man: Can you tell me what a fiasco is?
White guy at table with him: Yeah, it's like a party, a big party.
--Outside Nathan's, Coney Island
Overheard by: Justi
Anyone Else Shocked a High School Student Could Identify Alan Greenspan?
TA pointing at picture of Alan Greenspan: Okay, who is this?
Front row student: Alan Greenspan.
TA: And what is he best known for?
Front row student: Being Jewish.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Just sitting in the back
And She Would've Gotten Away with It, Too, If It Weren't for Those Darned Kids
Guy #1: See, I was in a diner the other day, I ordered some food and, yeah, I kinda noticed that the waitress was hot. Once I'd got my food and gone outside, I saw they hadn't given me my hash brown. So I went back in thinking, you know, I could get my hash brown and ask the waitress for her number or something. But when I got back the waitress was like "I ate your hash brown."
Guy #2: She ate your hash brown?
Guy #1: She ate my hash brown!
--Lexington Ave b/w 40th & 41st
Just Means I Won't Give You This Exploding Apple
Crazy hobo, looking up from intense argument with imaginary friend: Excuse me, sir!
Confused suit: Uh, yeah?
Crazy hobo: What kind of teacher are you?
Confused suit: Teacher?
Crazy hobo: Yes, what subject do you teach?
Confused suit: But, um, I'm not a teacher...
Crazy hobo: Oh. Well, that's alright. Don't think I was criticizing you. I guess it's alright if you're not a teacher. I wasn't insulting you!
--6th & Spring
Overheard by: Heather
From the Glade Plug-Ins "Pussy Passion" Collection...
Thug to female friend: Damn, I ain't never gonna have my house stop smelling like pussy.
Spanish passerby, in Spanish: I hope he is talking about his cats.
--136th & Broadway
Overheard by: gator city girl
Kids Have the Intestinal Tracts Of Spotted Hyenas
Woman: We gotta get yogurt for the kids, too.
Man: I got yogurt.
Woman: Yeah, Activia. You can't be giving kids Activia! Kids already be shittin' like mad!
--Costco, Brooklyn
My Arm Muscles Are Totally Atrophying
30-something Latina: I wish I could beat my daughter like it was allowed when I was growing up.
Friend, nodding knowingly: Uh-huh.
--Gun Hill & Rochambeau
Overheard by: Gutterlush
But She Has Fielded Some Balls in Her Day, If You Catch My Drift
Girl in bathroom #1: God, I look horrible today. This is what Madonna must look like after playing some baseball with a rod. (pause) if you know what I mean...
Girl in bathroom #2: Are you really that dumb? Madonna is a singer, not a baseball player...everyone knows that!
--Macy's
Overheard by: Home run for ester!
And You Should Know, Ms. "I-Camped-Out-for-Bon-Jovi-Tickets"
Woman, sounding disgusted: Who falls asleep on the street?
Man, sounding tired of explaining things: A lot of people do.
--Spring St, SoHo
Overheard by: CK
...Since You Pooped in It
Little boy: Mom, is this a potty?
Mom: No it's the subway exit.
Little boy: It smells like a potty.
--F Train
God, I Miss College
Daughter: Their floor is cracked concrete, they can't even sit up in their beds, they only have one window...
Mother: So they can't even see where the rats are?
--Q Train
The Two Types Of People Who Eventually End Up at NYU
Little boy #1: So, are you a Jew?
Little boy #2: No, I'm an Aquarius.
--Chinese Restaurant, 52nd & 1st
Overheard by: Ethan
By Getting Toasted?
Girl to friend: I absolutely love toast! Ya know?
Friend: I know! I pay homage to it every morning!
--Times Square
Seems to Be a Lot Of Getting Pooped on by Pigeons
Boy: Let's go sit down.
Girl, pointing to statues: Let's go see what those people are about.
--Christopher Park
Thank Goodness We Don't Actually Have to Know Anything About Their Bodies
Yuppie guy: God, I can't even finish this. I feel completely bloated, like some chick. Disgusting.
Hipster guy: You feel like a chick?
Yuppie guy: Yeah...you know, like all girls get once a month: Bitchy, bloated, and popping those pills.
Hipster guy: You mean, like, the abortion pill?
--Pizza Shop, E 34th & 1st St
Glad You Got to the Root Of the Problem
Man to friend: So at that time I was having a lot of um, problems with...um, stuff.
Friend: Uh-huh.
Man to friend: And then I figured it out! I was eating a lot of beets at the time! (beams and laughs)
--49th & Park Ave
Overheard by: Lori_Lee
An Overpriced Studio Apartment with No Windows?
Little boy, pointing to staircase leading to basement: Daddy, what's downstairs?
Dad: Hell.
--Clothing Store, NoHo
I'm Storing Up for a Craft Project.
Girl #1: Are you pregnant? Your belly looks big...
Girl #2: No, I just haven't shat for three days.
--4 Train
Someone Finally Asks Martha Stewart the Tough Question
Creepy guy to girl reading book: You have a beautiful accent. Where are you from, Australia?
Girl: No, Connecticut.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Sromeo
She Just Took Me Out to Dinner. Bitch.
Girl #1: So then he asked if I would send her a birthday card.
Girl #2: Oh my god, seriously? Why would he want you to send his mom a birthday card?
Girl #1: I know! It's not like she sent me one on my birthday.
Girl #2: Slut.
--Amtrak, Grand Central
Overheard by: RG
Thank Goodness for Their Monthly Bible Retreats
Random guy: I was naked in my neighbors' pool this weekend, with my wife and another woman...
Friend: Where were the neighbors?
Random guy: Gone for the weekend. It was great.
--42nd & Lexington
Friends Episodes Often Break Out in Park Slope
Guy: I love you, you know that?
Girlfriend: Fuck you. I know you fucked my sister. It's over.
Guy: But I love you!
(girl slaps him and walks away)
Guy, to barista: I probably deserved that.
Barista: Fuck you.
--Gorilla Coffee, Park Slope
Mohs Scale Reaches Frat House Heights
Frat boy #1: I was so trashed last night.
Frat boy #2: Have you always used the phrase "soft 3, hard 8"?
Frat boy #1: Nah, I kinda made that up last night.
Frat boy #2: You're not embarrassed?
Frat boy #1: Nah, hard 8.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Steve
Headline by: katcob
Runners-Up:
· "Drunk or Sober, You Can't Fool Me About Pencil Lead" - Bill A
· "I Am Willing to Let the World Know How I Like My Eggs" - JohnnyB
· "It's a Grower!" - Cass
· "Just Remember to Call "No Homo" Next Time, Okay?" - version
· "Really? Only 8 and You're Not Embarrassed?" - Keith
· "What's *Your* Sleep-It-Off Number?" - Coyoty
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Or Maybe Like Being an Orthodox Jewish Woman
Hipster guy #1: Dude, your hair is getting really long.
Hipster guy #2: I know! It's nice. It's like having a hat...
Hipster guy #1: (silence)
Hipster guy #2: ...made of hair.
--NYU
Now Let's Hurry Home Before We Miss Him Walking on Water
Lanky white guy: Well, I'm still expecting my pony from Obama.
Female friend: He cured your leprosy. Stop complaining.
--187th & Broadway
Overheard by: Zev
A Bro-Yo!
Punk #1: I knew this guy once, he had the fetus of his identical twin attached to his shoulder.
Punk #2: I'd cut it off and make a yo-yo out of that shit.
--Rivington & Essex
Wednesday One-Liners Learned to Drive Badly in Foreign Lands
20-something guy on cell: In the eight-minute cab ride it went from her telling him he was wearing a cheap coat to her licking his face!
--Sheep Meadow, Central Park
Overheard by: Robert
Conductor: We are not moving because of a switch problem at 125th. If you are in a hurry, there are taxis upstairs.
--Uptown D Train
Overheard by: Wes
30-something man in Santa suit on cell: Where the fuck is my fucking taxi, bitch?
--Lafayette & Spring
Cop pulling over a cabbie: Why did you honk? Where did you see danger? Where did you see danger? Besides behind your own wheel...
--Times Square
Woman cut off by cab while crossing the street: Oh my god! I'm getting cab-fucked left and right!
--Broadway & Spring
Overheard by: Marc
Can You Hear Wednesday One-Liners Now?
Judge to room packed with prospective jurors: I am going to give you a number to call in case of an emergency. You should copy this down. The number is 917-480... (pause) Oh shit! (mic becomes muffled). Um, sorry. That was my cell phone number.
--Supreme Court Building
Woman on cell: Our codependent lewdity shall rage on, Verizon! Take that!
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: McF
Hipsterette to another: Well, you shouldn't have to sleep with someone to find out if he's going to call you back.
--Coffee Shop, Park Slope
Overheard by: TheGreenCat
Conductor: There is a C train just across the platform. For those of you who have a sudden urge for a change of plans and wish to abandon your plans to go to Park Slope tonight, you can hop off here and take the C to East New York. I hope you have a phone to call your family, you won't be home for dinner!
--F Train
Overheard by: Staying on the F
Girl in bathroom stall on cell: Okay, my phone is dying, I will call you later. (pause) Call you from a payphone? I don't know how to use one of those.
--School, Lower Manhattan
Well-dressed woman walking tiny dog, yelling into cell: You know what, John? You can e-mail, don't even call me. I don't want you on my phone. (pause) Hello?
--Columbus Circle
Do Those One-Liners Go All the Way Up to Your Wednesday?
Lady to another: I'm waxing my crotch whether he likes it or not!
--52nd & Madison
Overheard by: someguyslikethejungle
Preteen: Yo, she bit Mark's crotch!
--66th & Broadway
Overheard by: dan
Girl to another: I don't think he'd like your stiletto heel in his actual crotch. Oh, now your twat is all over the place.
--Olivebridge
Man on cell, noticing, "The Big Penis Book": Hey, I'm at this bookstore and they have this big book of penises... Oh, you have it already? The big book, with the pink cover and crotch on the front? Oh, okay, cool.
--Bookstore, Brookyln
Bimbo: Crotches are always wrong!
--American Apparel Store
Wednesday One-Liner's Last Dance with Mary Jane
Professor: We will talk about the JDC--the American Jewish Joint Distribution Committee. And no, they were not dispensing marijuana.
--Queens College
Overheard by: ShaniP
Trashy JAP on cell: So I told her I was selling, and that bitch was like, "Katrina, for how much?" And I was like "Oh my god, mom, it doesn't matter how much the weed is going for, all that matters is the quality!"
--7th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: penelope
Random stranger to teens: You want to buy some weed? Just come back to my mom's house!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Rhian
College student on cell: Mom, you've got to stop smoking so much weed. I mean, fuck!
--Time Square
Random dude on street: I got it all! Liquor, alcohol, marijuana, Chips Ahoy! I got it!
--44th & Broadway
Overheard by: Lagster
Street vendor: Prada bags, Louis Vuitton bags, Gucci bags, marijuana bags... (everyone looks over at him) Hey, I gotta make money somehow.
--Times Square
Overheard by: mary jane
Killing Me Softly with His Wednesday One-Liner
Excited man on cell: Hey! Did you hear who died? Amanda's pretend husband died!
--N Train
Overheard by: Tophs
20-something woman to friend: Well, I wanna kill her and she wants to kill me, 'cause I took her husband.
--R Train
Overheard by: Tara
20-something hipster girl: I am a nihilist! Watch me die.
--Waverly & Mercer
Asian guy to white girl: All children are born evil. If they had the strength of an adult during childhood, they would kill someone just to get a lollipop.
--Queens College
Woman on cell: Okay! I get it. She's not a good person. Just kill her.
--Canal St & Laffaette St
Overheard by: Kay
Conductor: You're all gonna die! I'm your worst nightmare! Ahahahaha!
--C Train
Overheard by: P-Diddy
We're All Nine Meals Away from Being Wednesday One-Liners
Black hobo to rush-hour crowd: So, did ya' hear now Obama's president they gonna tear down the Statue of Liberty? Yeah, they gonna put up a new statue--one o' Aunt Jemima!"
--Shuttle Train GCT
Overheard by: Mrs. Butterworth
Hobo: Hey, kids! I wish I was a kid again. Then I'd have a hundred million dollars!
--Henry St, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Jesse
Hobo to clerk: Don't worry, baby, I'll take care of the Gaza Strip.
--Deli, 45th & 3rd
Overheard by: LP
Hobo to girl with boxing gloves attached to her backpack: Hi, there! Give a little money to help the homeless? (silence) I'll take anything but a punch in the face!
--Astor & Lafayette
Overheard by: Andi C.
Shouting hobo: The family that scratches their butts together has smelly fingers!
--34th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Kramer
Hobo crossing street and pushing shopping cart: Hi ho Silver!
--23rd St & Park Ave
Wednesday One-Liners Grow Up Faster in the City
Little girl to woman walking by: Oh, look--another person, sooooo interesting. It's not like we haven't seen enough of those today.
--D'Agnostino's, Greenwich & Barrow
Overheard by: Margo
Boy walking in church to mom: And when we walk in we'll hear Gregorian chants.
--Trinity Church
Four-year-old boy, after plane's smooth landing: Whoa, that was solid!
--JFK Airport
Overheard by: jen
Kid at birthday party: I thought they were feeding us ice cream, not shit!
--McDonald's, Bayside
Adorable child having a temper tantrum: I don't want to walk, I want to go in the stroller!
(mother ignores him) I'm melting... I'm meeelllting!
--New York Transit Museum
Overheard by: NatalyaPetrovna
Wednesday One-Liners Are a Lot to Swallow
Suit on cell: I've already had a blow job tonight so I don't really care what happens.
--7th St & Ave A
Overheard by: Karmenlara Seidman
Lady suit to other: What about 1994? I haven't sucked cock or watched ice hockey since 1994!
--Lion's Head, 109th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: A great man
Toothless thug: And now she wants an award for sucking my dick.
--7th Ave & 16th St
Overheard by: mattamore
Guy on cell: Look, I'm about to get on the train and lose signal so I'll sum up my argument: until I can pull out my dick and get a blowjob from any woman I want, my grudge against feminists stands. No, I don't care if it doesn't make sense. Fuck you, I'm getting on the train!
--Penn Station
Old woman to husband: Now isn't she the girl who gave him head in the Port Authority bathroom?
--Bench, Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Horrified
Girl to two hipster friends with yoga mats: Oh my god, he had to stop me while I was sucking on his dick just to tell me he likes me. Like why? Ew, why would he bother?
--Avenue B & 13th
In the Name Of the Father, the Son, and the Wednesday One-Liner
Husband pushing carriage to wife: You're lucky I'm on my way to church right now, or I'd kill you.
--Upper West Side
Chick on cell: But the real question is, is he Catholic? And an insomniac?
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Poogins
Sequined Australian drag queen: Well, I know an Antichrist religion when I see it.
--2nd St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Alisha
Girl on phone: He told me he was raped by a Catholic priest when he was little, but like I don't believe him.
--Butler Library, Columbia University
Train conductor: 110th Street, Cathedral Parkway. There are churches here, you know.
--1 Train
Man to woman, after getting off cell phone: Ah, that was Nancy--booty call. She says I gotta get over there before she's got to go to church.
--Q Train
Overheard by: spygirl
Two Wednesdays, One-Liner
Thuggette to two friends: So we, like, had a threesome, just without the sex.
--Kingsborough Community College
Hipster boy holding Christmas wreath: Well, no, I wasn't part of the threesome.
--Pearl St & John St
Overheard by: Matthew
Blonde 30-something: I love threesomes. That's when you go shopping with two friends, right? Right?
--77th & Lexington
Overheard by: iwantinonthat
Suit on cell: Were you invited to the gangbang? I wasn't invited! She always invites me to the gangbang! Fucking whore!
--86th & Park Ave
Overheard by: i wasn't invited either!
Conductor: Man, I am telling you, those two girls were just not ready, ready for me.
--A Train
Hobo: I would like money to buy beer so I can get drunk, and take home two women so they can molest me.
--M&M Store
The Technicolor Yawn Of Wednesday One-Liners
Conductor: Vomiting is prohibited on this train. Please, no vomiting on this train.
--LIRR
Conductor: There are only three reasons for an empty train car. A) it smells. B) it's hot. C) someone threw up.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Laura
Gay NYU student: I've already been through the cycle. Eat, vom, feel better about life.
--Tisch Hall, NYU
Conductor: There will be no vomiting on this train. Repeat. There will be no vomiting on this train. (short pause) If you have to vomit, vomit on yourself.
--LIRR, Drunk Train
Overheard by: Jason
Girl to two guy friends: Last night I was traveling back on the train, and there was, like, an airsick bag in the thing and I got a craving for Gardetto's, because the last time we were traveling... (becomes inaudible)
--Atlantic & Bond, Boerum Hill
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Boyfriend to wasted girlfriend: Baby, I swear. This is the best place in New York to throw up. (girlfriend pukes)
--MacDougal St, The Village
Overheard by: Reid Rogers
If You're Against Wednesday One-Liners, Don't Have One
Opera director, after tech sticks a wire hanger under the thermostat box to turn up the heat: Well, someone just got an abortion! (everyone stares) Okay, enough of that. Back to work! Ha! Ha! Ha!
--Brooklyn Music School
Comedy club promoter: Cheaper than a Chinese abortion!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Mickey
Bar customer to bartender: You're only 22? I have an aborted fetus that's older than you!
--110th & Amsterdam
Man selling tickets: Help me pay for my girlfriend's abortion by coming to the comedy club!
--Times Square
Man to very pregnant friend he has not seen for a while: Karen! Oh my god, how are you? I thought you had gotten an abortion.
--D Train
Overheard by: blistexaddict
Hello, Dream Job!
Cashier #1: I have jury duty on Friday, so I'm not coming in.
Cashier #2: Jury duty?
Cashier #1: Yeah, I have jury duty on Friday. But it's okay, cuz I'll get paid.
Cashier #2: But what's jury duty?
Cashier #1: It's when you go to court and send people to jail.
Cashier #2: You can get paid for that?
--Supermarket, Queens
If Only the Production Crew Of The Hills Could Do This
Hyper teenage blonde: Hey, know what I just realized?
20-something blonde sister: Okay, wait. In the interest of saving time, I'm gonna pull my hand back like so before you start talking. Now you can go ahead and say what you wanted to say, but just know that if it's something ignorant or retarded, I'm gonna slap you out of your shoes and right off the sidewalk, and then keep slapping you until we get home. Is whatever you want to say worth it?
(long pause)
Hyper teenage blonde: No?
--Times Square
Overheard by: Really want to know what she was gonna say
Remember How He'd Periodically Check to See If I Was Breathing? That Little Imp!
Girl to skinny ditzy drunk girl: Remember my friend Mark?
Drunk skinny ditz: Mark who?
Girl: You know, Mark. He called you emaciated?
Drunk skinny ditz: Oh yeah! I fucking love Mark!
--Union Pool
Overheard by: Wally
I Mean, Why Die If You Care About Your Body?
Man #1: So they were just rolling around in the back of the car, you didn't use anything to hold them down at all?
Man #2: Well, I mean, the bodies are gonna be embalmed anyways, they get all stiff then--so why would I?
--Bedford & N 8th St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: raeme
Are You Saying We Shouldn't Have Sold Her Things on EBay?
Girl #1: Oh! This is a cute black dress. Maybe I'll get this for the funeral.
Girl #2: Huh? But she's not even dead yet!
--Target
Overheard by: target shopper
Yet You Won't Even Obey the White Man When It's Time to Cross the Street?
White woman with two kids: Oh my god! Look! These lollipops are designed to look like the faces of little white children!
Asian woman: Yeah--they're made of molded chocolate.
White woman: I love Asian grocery stores!
White woman's kid: Mommy, mommy! Can I have it? I want to eat the white child!
--New Kam Man, Canal St
Overheard by: office peon can be wary of white people
Lesbian Dirtytalk Continues to Elude Us
Lesbian #1: I'm going to eat your face off.
Lesbian #2: Oh!
Lesbian #1: I'm going to eat your face off and it's going to taste like flesh.
--NYC Pride Parade
Overheard by: Rachel
I Know the Kabuki Makeup Doesn't Help, But I Got Bored.
Black nanny #1 to another, about white baby in her care: Her mother tells me to put sunscreen on her, but she's so damn white.
Black nanny #2: I know, nigger looks like Casper.
--Battery Park Playground
Overheard by: Ana O
Take Another Moment to Love New York
Lady: Is that your girlfriend? She has beautiful eyes.
Guy with girlfriend: Yeah, you should see her ass. Baby, get up and show her your ass.
--B Train
Going Back to Iraq Looks Better Every Day, Huh?
Woman to husband in magazine section: Honey, I'm just going to run to the bathroom before I pay for all...
Husband, interrupting: Whatever. (to stranger) Ugh! Marriage. I have a son, too. It just gets worse and worse, doesn't it?
--Barnes & Noble, Bayside
Overheard by: sympathetic bookseller
Well, Regardless, I Made Him Return Her.
French lady #1: So then he bought me some flowers. This was right before I found out he bought a prostitute.
French lady #2: Oh...how long ago was that?
--Macy's
I'm Getting Kind Of Tired Of Falling Back on That
Trashy Jersey man: That guy is such a jerk to his wife.
Trashy Jersey woman: Yeah, one time I peed myself in his car just to make him mad. I told him, "I just peed in your car." He was mad.
Trashy Jersey man: That was a good idea. Or you could have busted his face with a bottle.
--2 Train
What If She's Going to Make You a Sandwich?
Clerk #1: Yeah, she said she wants me to be more possessive to her.
Clerk #2: What the fuck does that mean? Your bitch is crazy.
Clerk #1: I dunno what it means, but next time I see her I'm gonna say, "bitch, where you goin'?" and when she starts to answer me I'm just gonna yell, "no!"
--3rd St & Ave A
Overheard by: alex mwheel
Here's Yours, Quasimodo
Child: Do I get a cupcake too?
Mother, to group of small children: You all get a cupcake, no matter how horrible you are!
--Lincoln Square
Overheard by: Bee
...But You Need to Say That While Jabbing Her with Sticks
NYU girl to friend: She looks like a lesbian.
Random older man walking by: Aw, don't talk about her like that when she's not around.
NYU girl: But she does!
Random older man: Okay, I believe you.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Ramsey
Being Friends with a Cyborg Isn't All It's Cracked Up to Be
Friend #1: My friend told me that in Wisconsin they deep-fry cheese curds.
Friend #2: What's "cheese curds"?
Friend #3: Kurds are a perennially oppressed ethnic minority group found in parts of Iran, Iraq, and Turkey.
--East Village
When He Talked About Her "Flat," She Assumed He Was Making Disparaging Comments About Her Chest
Frustrated woman laying out: Actually, no, he didn't say he would call me, he said he would "ring" me.
Indignant friend: What an asshole! Like seriously, you're not British!
--Sheep Meadow
Overheard by: Henry Higgins
Your Editors Grow Weary Of This Formula
Girl #1, about lady on loudspeaker: Do you think she's British?
Girl #2: Nah, she's just drunk.
--Chelsea Piers
Spontaneous Mailing-List Orgasms Are Common in Manhattan
Clipboard guy: Would you like to sign up for our mailing list?
Old man: Uh...uh... I...uh...uh.
Clipboard guy: You don't have to.
--Wings Theatre
Overheard by: Daniel
Maybe You Shouldn't Have Sex 'til You Can Answer This Question
Bi-curious guy to gaggle of girls: He wakes up every morning, looks in the mirror and says, "I hope I don't have herpes."
Girl #1: Has he gotten tested?
Bi-curious guy: No, he's too afraid.
Girl #2: I would be too if I'd been around that much dirty snatch.
Girl #1: Wouldn't you be able to tell if you had herpes?
--Sheepshead Bay
Yeah, 25's a Tough Age to Get Through
Trying-too-hard dude: You are so funny I can't believe you're single.
Already jaded 20-something chick: I am a 25-year-old girl wearing a Batman t-shirt to a bar in Soho, is it really that implausible?
--Soho
FCC Finally Regulates Overheard
Man walking against traffic: Beep! Beep! Beep!
Older black woman: Beep beep, my behind!
--6 Train
Headline by: Trey Jackson
Runners-Up:
· "At Long Last, Someone Correctly Answers David's Mating Call" - cultural anthropologist
· "Discovered: Where Beyonce Gets Her Lyrics From" - Joel Moore
· "Is That an Insult or an Invitation?" - alan b hutscar
· "Now, If This Had Been on HBO, the Beeps Would Have Been Words..." - beep!
· "Will.i.am, Writing In Notepad: "Genius!"" - James
· "Yeah, Our Line Of Novelty Horns Is Doing Quite Well" - mk
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Our Weekly Games Of Human Tetris Are Quite Enough for Me
Older guy: Come on, just once?
Older lady: No, I'm not role playing anything with you.
--The Nintendo Store
Overheard by: Duckjerky
Also What the Pharaoh's Daughter Said When She Found Moses in That Basket
Petite Asian woman looking for object in her purse: It sort of looks like...
Tall male companion: A vibrator.
--Metropolitan Opera House
Overheard by: Trying not to do a double-take
That's Like Saying to a Middle-Schooler, "Don't Have Acne."
Bespectacled lady, reading list of pointers to middle schoolers before a dance: Don't be a wallflower. Don't leave the dance during the middle of a song.
Sassy lady across the table: Don't get a boner.
--Picholine Restaurant
You Can't Get Good Alien Monster Pornography Anymore
Guy with mullet #1: Did you get those two pics I sent you?
Guy with mullet #2: Actually, once I downloaded them it was a letdown. I thought that the bottom one was a cross section of an elk against glass, like some deer bodies exhibit or some other fucked shit.
--L Train
Overheard by: Zev
Unless You Count Tom on MySpace
Irritating teen brother: Fine, then I'll just call up all your friends and tell them what a loser you are!
Nerdy older sister: Yeah, well, the joke's on you, cause I don't have any friends!
--Greeley Square
Overheard by: C. Milano
She'll Change Her Tune When She Realizes They're in the Bronx
Mother to seven-year-old daughter: We take the A to 168th Street and then the 1 to 231st.
Daughter: Ah! Don't you just love travel!
--Uptown A Train
And the Wet Look Went Out in the 80's
Ditz, talking about shoes: They used to be so white... It makes me sad.
Friend: Try soaking them in soapy water.
Ditz: But then they'd be all wet!
--Central Park
Wasn't This a Show with Sharon Osbourne?
Girl #1: Did you hear that Theresa got sent to alcohol reform?
Girl #2: No, what is that?
Girl #1: It's like a reform thing, like remedial classes, where they force you to like, do things to decrease your drinking.
Girl #2: What!?
--City College of New York
If Woody Allen Were a Hobo
Lady: How are you doing tonight?
Hobo: I'm miserable. You know I'm homeless?
--54th St & Lexington Ave
Overheard by: Seth
The Pink Floyd Laser Show Is Always a Crap Shoot
Teen girl #1: I'm not doing it for the same reasons as like people in the sixtes. I'm not trying to see god or anything.
Teen girl #2: I'm not fucking worried about you having a religious experience, I'm worried about you seeing Sgt. Pepper jerking off to Barney or something!
--Escalator, Time Warner Building
It's More Of a Door Than a Mask
Professor: Do you ever feel that you have a mask you put up for society, and one that is only for you?
Female student: Well...to everybody else, I seem really sociable and outgoing, but what they don't know is that I'd rather just spend a long time inside myself.
--NYU Classroom
Overheard by: queenofscots
Apparently There's Been at Least One
Girl #1: I don't think I'll be dating anyone anytime soon.
Girl #2: But why? We'll be going to college in a few months.
Girl #1: I know, but I just don't think I can settle for anything less than an Italian R&B singer.
--77th & 3rd
Columbia Has a Football Team?
Football player #1: Hold on, I've got to check and see if I have a package.
Football player #2: You know, most guys don't have to check that.
(a few seconds pass)
Football player #1: Shut up.
--Broadway & 115th
For the Last Time, That's Not What the Men's Restroom Is
Flamboyant black man #1: I just want to grab some guy and go make out in the porn room.
Flamboyant black man #2: You mean the pool room?
Flamboyant black man #1: No, the porn room...come here!
--Pop Burger, 9th Ave
Overheard by: j
Also Why Girl Scouts Rarely Get Harassed by the Homeless
Hobo: Hey! Is them cookies good? Is they good?
Commuter, holding bag of cookies: I'll give you a cookie.
Hobo: Thanks, man. What kind of cookies is these?
Commuter: Coconut.
Hobo: Thanks. Hey, can you do me a favor?
Commuter: I gave you a cookie.
Hobo: Yeah...you got me.
--Penn Station
It's Just That Most Of the Time They're Invisible
Tourist dressed like biker: Excuse me, do you know where the dancing monkeys are?
New Yorker: (silence)
Tourist: Dancing monkeys?
New Yorker: You're in New York, they're on every street corner.
--Broadway & White
But My Therapist Recommended Preyer
Effeminate bisexual man: I'm going to make you come so many times... The thing is, I have self-esteem problems, and...
Female friend: Well, then you should talk to a therapist about that, instead of preying on unsuspecting girls.
--LIRR
How Religions Get Started: Explained
Girl #1: I saw Sigourney Weaver!
Girl #2: Really?
Girl #1: Yes! She walked right past me!
Girl #2: Did you die?
Girl #1: Yes, I did.
Girl #2: That's awesome.
--55th & Lexington
You'll Be Shitting on Top Of the World
Hot man, in consultative tone: Very underrated how taking a huge dump can improve your day.
Hot woman: Seriously!
Hot man: I have something for you. Something that will change your life. I'm completely serious. Have you ever tried Metamucil?
Hot woman: No.
Hot man: You will take the most massive dumps ever and feel great. It's like weightlifting for your bowels.
--26th & Madison Ave
New York Women Know They're Beautiful
Techie in suit: I mean, there are two reasons. A: it's better.
Meathead friend: Uh-huh.
Techie: A: it's warmer.
Meathead: Uh-huh.
Techie: B: the women there are much more receptive to thinly veiled suggestion.
Meathead: Uh...
Techie: What I mean by that is that they have low self esteem. I do my best work with low self esteem.
--14th St & 8th Ave Subway Station
Overheard by: Rebecca
Ah, the Circle Of Life.
Female bartender: I'm double-jointed. Isn't that weird?
Sketchy barfly: You wanna see something weird? I can suck my own dick!
--Mars Bar
Overheard by: Pete
Not the Fitted Kind, Either, Like a Slut
Woman on date: So tell me about your trip through Asia.
Man on date: Um... Yeah, so after dinner, do you want to go to K-Mart so I can watch you buy sheets? Because it would really turn me on if I could watch you buy sheets.
--East Village
He Used to Play for the Knicks, Right?
Little boy, pointing at Obama poster: Look, mommy it's Will Smith!
Mother: No, honey, that's not Will Smith. That's...uhmmmm... (to husband) What the fuck was his name again?
--Columbia University
Dating Didn't Use to Require a Flow Chart
Chick #1: So I added him on Facebook.
Chick #2: Oooooh, that's a little desperate.
Chick #1: But he texted me first! I was just following the natural order of events.
Chick #3: I added him on Facebook like a week ago.
Chick #2: But you didn't give him head behind a bar.
Chick #1: He texted me before I added him! It is not desperate!
--NYU
Overheard by: kelly
Or Else I Need to Disguise My Groceries Better
Old bag lady: What about you, playboy? You got any money for me?
Man: No, sorry.
Old bag lady: You sure? I can take care of your sausage. Arrangements can be made.
(she walks away)
Man, contemplative, to self: Do I really look that desperate?
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Only If You Do It with Mad Flair.
Polite, cute seven-year-old black boy to mother: Mommy, how was your day?
Hot mom: Nice, I had a very nice day. Thank you for asking. How was your day?
Little boy: Pimpin! Can I play Wii when we get home, please?
--B Train
That One Only Works on Serial Killers
Girl holding Cosmopolitan magazine, showing page to friend: Whoa! Read number eleven!
Friend: Will you guys please shut up?
Friend reading magazine: Oh, I've done that.
Girl with magazine: Wait...what's a "come-hither motion"?
Other friend, looking up at ceiling: Please kill me now.
--E Train
Overheard by: AES
Nah, I'm Too Depressed to Hypothesize
Dominican guy: I really like your haircut.
Brooklyn guy: Yeah, the women at work really liked it, but I never take anything they say seriously because I know how ugly I am.
Dominican guy: Yeah, I know what you mean. You know like when women say "I want to be with you," but they really don't do that...
Brooklyn guy: Okay, this is the only thing that is going to be true of what I say from now on. Every girl I asked out has said yes, but didn't mean it.
Dominican guy: Is this a hypothetical situation?
--Harlem
If You Keep Me from My After-Work Drinking, the Terrorists Win
Woman #1, after train stops: Why aren't we moving?
Woman #2, leaning out of train doors: Some lady apparently saw something, so she said something.
Woman #1: Christ, you don't do that in the evening, you do that in the morning. She should know better!
--A Train
Overheard by: oneofmanymikes
Oh Honey, That Never Takes Much
Girl #1: He doesn't even love you.
Girl #2: Yeah, but I'm the only one who can get him to cheat on his wife!
--Webster Hall
Why Fingerless Gloves Were Invented
Yuppie wife to husband: I bet I know what those stains are on your gloves...
Husband: I highly doubt I was fingering you with these gloves on.
--Whole Foods Escalator, Time Warner Center
Overheard by: A-Robb
A Better Question: Why Did Everyone Still Show Up?
Puzzled student: Professor, according to the syllabus we have a paper due in a week... What's it on?
Equally puzzled philosophy professor: You have a paper due in a week? I was afraid of that!
Puzzled student: Also, according to the syllabus, we don't even have class today. There's...nothing written there.
Equally puzzled philosophy professor: Really? Huh. Well, I must have been drunk when I did that.
--Fordham University
Remember What We Had to Do with Grandma When She Kept Demanding Her Pills?
Screaming child: I want ice cream and I want it now! Now! Now! Mom, get me ice cream!
Mother, calmly: Darling. While I love you deeply, I would really like to shove your behavior in the middle of the street to be run over by a bus. Understand?
--Central Park
Overheard by: queenofscots
He Also Totally Has an Eye for Decorating
Passerby to guy walking dog: Is your male dog squatting to pee?
Dog owner: I know. It's so embarrassing.
--86th St & Columbus
Plus, Kriss Angel Is Kind Of a Douche.
Dude: He had a bracelet with a universal handcuff key hidden on the inside in case he ever got in trouble.
Chick: What?
Dude: Yeah, I don't hang out with him much anymore.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Nathan
Enjoy Your Astroglide and Elle Magazine, Sir.
CVS employee: So, did you go to the gay pride parade?
Flamboyantly gay Latino man: You know, I never goes to those things, I just can't stand all the faggots.
CVS employee, with blank stare: Have a good night.
--CVS
Overheard by: wyatt
Why Don't You Just Get Life Savers?
Hipster guy: I need some toothpaste and...what else did I say I needed?
Hipster girl, shouting: Condoms!
Hipster guy: Shhhhh!
(everyone in store starts chuckling)
Hipster girl: The extra small ones.
Hipster guy: Shhhh!
Hipster girl: With a juicy flavor!
--Rite Aid, 6th Ave & 11th St
How Good Could Its Best Be?
Comedy flyer guy: Come see a comedy show, best in the city!
Thug, passing by quickly: I hate this fuckin city.
--Times Square
Overheard by: CF
Though I've Heard George Washington Had a Hell Of a Farmer's Tan
Principal: And can anyone tell me what is so significant about Barack Obama becoming president today?
Five-year-old: He's the first brown president.
--P.S. 290
Overheard by: TA who hears everything
Then Can I Be...Your Apprentice?
Hobo: Any change? Anything you got to give?
Suit: I wish I had something to give, but pretty soon, I'm going to be like you.
Hobo: My man, you cannot be this awesome.
--Bleecker & Lafayette
So the Damage Would Be Confined to My Vagina
Girl #1 to group: Well, he doesn't have a job, or a car, and has a cat named Jedi.
Girl #2: Wait...who is this?
Girl #1: The guy I slept with last week.
Girl #2 (sarcastically): Quality!
Girl #1: Well that's why I just slept with him, instead of dated him.
--Therapy Bar
It's Your Fault for Teaching Him About Alternating Current
Suit: Well, why didn't you stop him? I had to get him in trouble with the deans.
Teenager: Well, it's not my fault if he wants to electrocute his nipples.
--Grand Central
There's Nothing Sexier Than the C-Word
Five-year-old boy at young nanny as they wait in line: Mimi? You're the "c" word.
Mimi, looking shocked: The "c" word? What do you mean?
Five-year-old boy: You know... C-e-x-y. Will you marry me?
--Checkout Line, Columbus Circle Whole Foods
Overheard by: tinyfoo
To Share Your Secret Heart With Him That Way
Girl #1: I like him a lot. I think I'm even gonna tell him I watch The Hills.
Girl #2: Wow, you *do* like him.
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Been There. True Story.
Cabaret host to singer: So what's your story?
Male singer, pointing to co-host: Well, actually, I made out with this one once.
Male co-host: Oh my god! I was just in back, trying to figure out if I made out with you and if it was appropriate to ask!
--7th & Christopher
That, or a Botched Suicide Attempt
Middle aged woman: When you hear him say that, you just grab some cake and ice cream.
Younger woman: Why?
Middle aged woman: Because that means he just dumped you...and you'll need to gain some weight to make him feel like asshole.
--Central Park
The Premise Of Every VH1 Reality Show, in a Nutshell
Slightly older and hairier gay: So, just to be clear, you do realize that you are a total twink, right?
Slightly younger and hairless gay: Duh. And I'm gonna ride that train all the way to free-drink town.
--E Train
Imagine His Shock Upon Learning What His Girl Meant When She Said "I've Got a Bun in the Oven"
Girl: How much for a pig in a blanket?
Thug #1: A what now?
Girl: A pig in a blanket. See, there. (points to pretzel dogs)
Thug #1: Oh, a hot dog!
Thug #2: A hot dog?
Thug #1: A hot dog! Like, I thought she meant a pig wrapped up in a blanket.
--Pretzel stand, Penn Station
Headline by: E-Man>Master of the UNIVERSE!
Runners-Up:
· "And I Still Don't Get Why People Ask for Rocks in Their Drinks at the Bar!" - time in a cube
· "Because a Hot Dog Is a Much More Logical Name for Them" - shah
· "Do You Mean MY Pig in YOUR Blanket?" - Joe
· "In Their Defense, There Was a Cop Wearing Layers Right Next to the Hot Dog Stand" - Andrew
· "Like My Penis" - Vivi
· "No, No, Those Are the HOBO Dogs" - Sodajerk
· "Those're Five Bucks, but You Gotta Know a Guy in Chinatown" - Seth
· "When She Asked for a Bloody Mary He Fainted" - Brik
· "Yo, I Just Be Keepin It Literal" - jason
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Haley Joel Osment Seems to Get Worse Roles Every Year
Teen #1: Are we there yet?
Teen #2: It's right over there.
Teen #3 (screaming): I see it! I see Atlas! It's white, I see it.
Bus driver: Yeah, and I see dead people across the street...you don't hear me screaming.
--Q29 Bus, Atlas Park Mall
It's Just As Easy to Mop Up Human Feces with French Tips
Thug janitor #1, looking down at his fingernails: I get my shit manicured every week.
Thug janitor #2: Yeeeah, yeeeeah, yeeeeah!
--Bathroom, Port Authority
Overheard by: Astonished
Train Deniers Are the Most Adamant Of All the Conspiracy Theorists
Recorded voice: Ladies and gentlemen, we are delayed by train traffic ahead of us. Please be patient.
Grumpy old man, to self: That's a lie. There's no train ahead of us.
--4 Train
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Just Don't Be Slutting It Up in the Museum
Girl to security guard going through her purse: You can open that if you want, it's just my make up.
Security guard: Girl, I don't need to see all your warpaint!
--Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Amanda
The Real World: Wednesday One-Liners
Woman on cell: That's why I moved to Brooklyn: I hate people!
--Carrol Gardens
Overheard by: Smegma
Man on cell: No, no, no! You go to Brooklyn and suck that sweet white dick for free!
--35th & 8th
Brooklyn guy to date: I would walk all over Brooklyn for you! I would even walk all over Queens for you, you're so sweet!
--Tonio's Restaurant, 7th & 8th, Park Slope
Overheard by: D-Law
Train conductor: Because of a sick passenger at Clark Street, some of us may not be making it to Brooklyn...I'll let you know.
--Downtown 3 Train
Overheard by: D-Law
Conductor: This is York Street, the first stop in beautiful Brooklyn...yay!
--F Train
"There's No Wednesday One-Linering in Baseball!"
Dad to whiny three-year-old daughter: And now you're going to try and manipulate me by crying.
--186th St & Ft. Washington Ave
Girl to friends: That's just the way the world is. You don't see me cryin' whenever someone calls me a fat bitch or a short bitch or an ugly bitch...
--23rd & 8th
15-year-old boy: Yo, I'd cry if that happened to me, but I'm just sensitive like that.
--A Train
Overheard by: pop pop
Girl: And then you know I take out my yo-yo and start dancing. And then you know I'm multi-tasking! I'm yo-yoing, dancing and crying all at the same time!
--LaGuardia High School
Woman on cell: Alex, stop crying. Stop crying. What about the breadsticks, were there at least breadsticks?
--34th & 6th
Wednesday One-Liners Keep It Real
Girl sleeping in art class: Tony the Tiger, I wish you were real.
--LaGuardia Arts
Thug to friend: Yo, man, Tourette's is real! They've got it on MTV and everything!
--LIRR
Ditzy-sounding chick on cell: Should I buy some heart-shaped sunglasses? (pause) Why not? (pause) Should I buy some sunglasses that look like real glasses to make me look smart? (pause) Shut the hell up!
--St. Mark's Place
Guy at party: So then I said, "it takes a real man to take a nine inch cock in the ass!"
--13th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: kdub
Young woman, yelling at a bus stop ad for Bret Michael's New Rock of Love: Just stop it! You're not even a real person!
--42nd b/w 6th & 7th
Overheard by: Couldn't agree more
Wednesdays Are Naturally Sweetened With One-Liners
Chick on cell: As a pie-lover, I have a question.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Poogins
Father to toddler: No, you can't have a doughnut. You just had a doughnut yesterday. You can have another when you're...25!
--Doughnut Plant, Grand & Norfolk
Large older woman: I like cherry, lemon, peach, apple, and pumpkin. Other than that, I'm not a big pie person.
--Central Park Bench
Overheard by: Struedel Snatcher
Big black guy: And she kept trying to get me to take a pie, but I kept telling her, "bitch, I ain't got no room for no pie!"
--Penn Station
Young lady to friend, gravely: I understand, but things have changed. That was before the chocolate bonanza.
--72nd & Broadway
Overheard by: T. Ryan
Wednesday One-Liners and Tigers and Bears--Oh, My!
Young woman to another: But do you know how big a horse dick is?
--5th Ave & Carroll, Park Slope
Girl: I'm really tired. I'm, like, an animal activist right now.
--Parking Lot, Broadway Mall
Overheard by: Lysa
Student: I'm not that sensitive. I can watch those videos where they like, torture the animal or whatever, and then I'll go eat it.
--Cardozo Law School
Asian girl: Does this make me look like a sad Panda?
--NYU Dining Hall
Columbia girl: I'd never have asked if I knew he was the one who'd killed it. But I didn't suspect him. Who'd spend their time strangling a gerbil?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Who'd have thought?
Guido to friend: Yo, it smells like a skunk burped up a hot dog.
--Penn Station
Lady on speaker: If you have an animal, please do not put it through the X-ray.
--LaGuardia Airport
Wednesday One-Liners Get Railroaded
Conductor: Check around, make sure you have all of your belongings. If you have small children, make sure you hold onto them. (in haunting tone) Wouldn't want to see them disappear...into the gap.
--Metro-North Line
Overheard by: Jess
Train conductor on PA: The last car is the quiet car. No cell phones or loud conversations please. If you need to have a conversation, please do so silently.
--Penn Station
Conductress, in monotone: The next stop on this train will be Grand Street, the last stop in the borough...in the borough....in the borough of Manhattan.
--D Train
Overheard by: Jon A.
Conductor on PA: The next stop will be 51st Street. All of you lookin' for the local train on the other platform: hey yo! We over here!
--14th Street Station
MTA conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this train will be out of commission, uh...right now. Get out!
--MetroNorth Train
Overheard by: Kellin
Train conductor: Ladies and gentleman, brace for impact. (pause) Nah...just kidding, I could never pull that shit off. Y'all lucky we underground! Have a safe day.
--A Train
I'd Love To, Baby, but My Wednesday One-Liner Won't Let Me Date
Train conductor: East Broadway, welcome to Manhattan. Especially you, tourists, you put my wife on the table--I mean, uh...my food.
--F Train
Overheard by: penelope
Petite 30-something washing clothes: Oh, no! His wife's gonna be there. I gotta get some razor blades.
--Laundry Mat, Broadway & Bushwick, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Matt
Middle aged suit to another: So the main problem my girlfriend and I have is that I really get along with my wife.
--A Train
Overheard by: Suzi
Thug to friend: There's just one thing I want people to say about my wife. Not that she's pretty, or that she's nice. I want them to say, "man, that nigga's wife's got a fat ass!"
--Grand Concourse
Cop to crowd: I suggest you use the other crosswalk, it's less congested. Stay here, risk your life...over there, save your wife!
--Radio City Music Hall
Man on cell: You don't love your wife?! (pause) Fuck you!
--42nd St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Amina
Dude, Nobody Listens to The Wednesday One-Liners Anymore
Young woman on cell: So I said to him, are you going to listen to Barbra Streisand forever?
--Christopher & Bleecker
Overheard by: Korky
20-something girl: I'm a teenager! I collect pogs and say "suck it," and listen to Kriss Kross!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Claire H.
Guy: Man, these guys are like The Beatles of my generation.
--In Line for Cypress Hill Show, Nokia Theatre
Burly MTA contractor: I mean imagine if it was a dude singing "I kissed a guy and I liked it."
--Chambers St Subway Station
Overheard by: sarah
Trendy girl: I can't believe they charge $1.29 for a song now. What song is worth $1.29?!? Well, I guess "Don't Stop Believing" and "We Are the Champions"... basically any Queen song.
--Coldstone Creamery, Astor Place
Overheard by: Any Britney Song
20-something girl to 20-something boyfriend: Don't dress up like Elton John because I want you to. Dress up like Elton John because you want to.
--Halloween Shop, 11th St & Broadway
There's No Wednesday One-Liners Like Show Wednesday One-Liners
Hipster Pee-wee Herman lookalike to friend: Oh, and when I give her anilingus to let me direct a show? You're totally gonna be in it!
--Q Train
Overheard by: Flea
Man: I believe some of this will be made up.
--Going into Wicked, Broadway
Overheard by: CAM
Black highschool girl: Oh my god, why do they keep singing?
--In the Heights, Broadway Musical
Overheard by: Cookie
Woman in Jersey accent: Is this the one about the boy who wants to be a horse or the girl who wants to be a fish?
--At Equus, Broadhurst Theatre
Overheard by: HarlemRy
Daniel Radcliffe fan girl: I have to be in this show some day. Even if I'm eighty, I gotta be in this show with him. I'd be like, "put it in me! Put it in me!"
--At Equus, Broadhurst Theatre
Overheard by: Nikki
Man leaving Hair: Well, that beats the hell outta Shakespeare!
--Outside Delacorte Theater, Central Park
Bootylicious Wednesday One-Liners
Gay guy on cell: And they had the guy with the biggest butt stand next to the guy with the second-biggest butt! Seriously, what is wrong with them?
--6th Ave & 12th
Woman getting on a crowded train, looking for a seat: See, I told you there would be a lot of behinds on this train!
--N Train
Overheard by: Some behind lucky enough to find a seat.
Thug to another: After I wipe his ass, I'm gonna beat his ass!
--86th & Park Ave
Woman on cell: So, what are you going to tell him? "Sorry, I can't marry you--your ass is broken"?
--1st & 23
Teen to friend: Why didn't he use a tennis racket? It would have left that waffle fry look on your ass.
--Bus to Penn Station
Skipping tween girl to metrosexual father: I've seen your butt, you know!
--72nd & Lexington Ave
Overheard by: Shannon
Wednesday One-Liners Just Need to Walk It Off
Large bald man on Bluetooth: He got a fuckin' boo boo, that's all!
--Gramercy
Suit on cell: So, I haven't been electrocuted...yet.
--L Train
Elderly woman: I regret that she broke her arm. I do not regret pushing her down the stairs.
--E Train
Overheard by: Pat
Little boy: I hope the boo-boo goes away soon! My staple won't hold that long!
--23rd & Park Ave
Overheard by: Say what?
Guy on train to friend: Hey, would you still date a girl if she was in an industrial accident and had to wear a Darth Vader suit forever?
--6 Train
Have You Ever Considered Modeling, Wednesday One-Liner?
Man walking in to immigration center to immigration security guard: You look very elegant today.
--Immigration Application Support Center, Queens
Lady: Oh my gosh, Casey looks so good! You would never know that he's blind!
--W 20th St & 9th Ave
Overheard by: Katie AK
Slightly tipsy elderly suit: Do you know where I can find a beautiful woman? Someone to spend the rest of my life with?
--Metropolitan Museum Info Desk
A Capella group leader, walking into train: Ladies and gentlemen, happy Thursday. We are a Doo Whop group and we are here to entertain you. If you like what you hear, show us some love. If you are miserable, hell, add more fiber to your diet. This Sunday, we will be saluting the best-looking people on the subway. Have a fiberrific day!
--6 Train
Overheard by: Em Allears
Ghetto black chick after someone took a picture of her: Did you get all the beautifulness?
--Saks Fifth Avenue
Overheard by: gregumsdagreggy
And Yet You'll Take It Bareback, Bent Over in a Bar Bathroom?
Guy #1: I gotta say, when I was in Vegasssssssssss, I had the chicken parm.
Guy #2: Oh!
Guy #1: And believe it or not, it was the best chicken parm of my life!
Guy #2: Oh! I would be so conflicted.
--41st & 7th
Overheard by: Nathan
Nor Can You Smoke Underwater
Smoking girl: I dreamed I was a mermaid. Then I woke up, and I was a mermaid.
Girl's friend: But you can't swim!
--H&M, Penn Station
Something for Which One Would Have to Pay Extra
Freshman girl: I really like this guy...but he's like 28.
Freshman boy: I'm pretty sure that's illegal.
Freshman girl: What do you mean?
Freshman boy: Like, really illegal. Even in Russia.
--Stuyvesant High School
Overheard by: Loverparty
Many People Are Simply Incapable Of Political Discussion
Hipster guy, finishing a story: And so I said "suck on that, commie!"
Hipster girl: Wait, what?
Hipster guy: By "commie", I mean "communist." And by "suck on that," I mean my cock.
Hipster girl, disappointed: Oh.
Gay hipster guy: I get it! But, I mean, what about the chafing?
--Q Train
Overheard by: Alexx
Even Better
Upper East Side mom: Jackie, you have so many friends! I'm so happy for you!
Six-year-old girl: Mommy, those aren't my friends. Those are my entourage.
--92nd & Madison
Overheard by: LLOYD!!!
I Had Flashbacks to the Last Eight Years
Girl #1: And when that guy jumps out with the saw...that movie was so scary!
Girl #2: Yeah. It was politically scary.
--Columbia University
After Calling "No Homo," Though
Geeky 30-something Asian man: He keep telling me "Fuck me! Fuck me!" so I tell him "Fuck you!" and I fuck him!
Mother: (not paying attention).
Geeky 30-something Asian man: I am a man! I put my dick in him for five minutes.
Mother: (not paying attention).
--Starbucks, Astor Place
Overheard by: Malta Paul
Sweet, Sticky, Disgusting, Ultimately Futile
Yuppie #1: It's like giving head to a gummie bear. You know what I mean?
Yuppie #2: I know, I know...
--4th St & 6th Ave
Watch Me Pull a Rabbit Out Of It!
Guy to friend: Hey, did you notice that after every time you got on this (points to self) you end up with a boyfriend?
Girl: What? Oh man, you're right! It's like you have a magic pee-pee!
Guy: Yeah.
--Penn Station
Gotta Keep One Thing About Me Squeaky Clean
French lady: Yes, I was married. We met at a cafe. It was love at first sight. So we got married. But I always knew there was another woman. He had another family. This other woman...
American lady friend, interrupting: Would you like some almonds?
French lady: No, I just brushed my teeth.
--Lincoln Plaza Cinemas
And What's More Hilarious Than Middle-aged Sex?
Comedy show promoter: Comedy show tonight! 50% off, right here! What about you guys?
Middle-aged woman with husband: No thanks, we're seeing a movie.
Comedy show promoter: What about after your movie? We got late shows too!
Middle-aged woman: That's when we go home and have sex. Thanks, though.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Laura
Where One Expects to See Two Fried Eggs on a Flagpole
Girl #1: So he just made up lies about her? What an asshole!
Girl #2: Well, they aren't necessarily lies...
Girl #1: You mean it's true?
Girl #2: Think about it. (pause) I mean, she's so skinny. And they're so perky.
--NYU Silver Center
Then It Changed to Crocs, and We All Cried.
Girl #1: When Annie is in a relationship, she's really serious. But when she was single she went through what we like to call the "sit on your face" phase.
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: She'd go up to a guy in the bar we were in and say, "man, you look so good tonight. I might just sit on your face later."
(girl #2 laughs)
Girl #1: Yeah... "sit on your face" was the new black for a while.
--Pig 'n' Whistle Bar
Overheard by: Ellen
Hokay, I No Steal
American guy: All the buildings in New York City are made with brick. No steel. So if there's an earthquake, we're all dead.
Foreign guy: No steel?
American guy: No steel. All brick. If there's an earthquake, we're all dead.
(foreign guy giggles hysterically)
--111th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
All She Needs Is More Pockets
Guy #1: Emily complemented me on not carrying anything to or from work.
Guy #2: She so wants to be a dude.
--41st & Madison
Photo Grade Paper, or Did You Cheap Out on Me?
Waiter: Yeah, that's just because you're obsessed with me.
Bartender, sarcastically: Oh, yeah, right--I'm totally obsessed with you. I went to your Facebook page and downloaded all the pictures of you on there and printed them out and put them up on my wall so I could have a collage.
Waiter: That was oddly specific.
--Lounge, Don't Tell Mama
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
We Blame Woody Allen for Popularizing the Chronic Misuse Of "Nauseous"
20-something artsy hipster girl #1: I am just nauseous trying to process the brilliance of his art. I can't even process it yet.
20-something artsy hipster girl #2: Oh, I totally know what you mean.
--James Jean Show, Chelsea
Plus You Have Grunty Anal with Other Men
Older man in crowded elevator: What does "metro" mean, anyway?
Wife, in a loud voice: Metrosexual?! Metrosexuals are men who dress well but aren't gay.
Older man: So I am a metrosexual?
Wife, still in a loud voice: No, I choose your clothes, so that doesn't count.
--Bloomingdales
What People Talk About When They Waken from Long Comas
Girl #1: Wait, Tara Reid is from New Jersey?
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: Oh my *god*, that explains so much!
--Backyard BBQ, Howard Beach
Be Part Of a Warm Exploited Minority, for Once
Hobo, shivering violently on freezing night: Couldja spare somethin'? Help me out?
(tall guy gives him a dollar)
Hobo: I would appreciate it if you could spare one hundred dollars.
Tall guy, laughing: Tell me about it!
Hobo, still shivering: I'm tryin' to get to Hawaii! Alo-ha!
--7th & 14th
Best Week Ever!!!
Lady to mobile salesman: I know you went to the back to speak to the manager, don't lie to me.
Salesman: Actually, I went to the back to take a shit.
Lady: I hope you don't shit for a week.
--Brighton Beach, Brooklyn
Overheard by: nikki
Headline by: Jonny-G
Runners-Up:
· "First Rule Of Sales: The Customer Is Your Friend, Not Your Enema" - Vasyl
· "Great! How Am I Supposed to Overshare with Customers Now?" - beans
· "He's Glad He Didn't Tell the Truth That He Had Sex Back There" - Deborah
· "I'll Save It Up, Just for You" - Keith
· "The Ancient New York Curse" - Natalie
· "The Gypsies Were Getting Lazy with Their Curses" - my other comment is witty
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
High Enough to Be Hallucinating a Whole Movie Based Around ABBA Tunes
Tween Latino #1: Uh...why did we pay to see this again?
Tween Latino #2: Probably because we're high.
Tween Latino #3: Oh. Good point.
--Mamma Mia Screening, Ziegfeld Theater
Overheard by: that's what roger ebert said
And the One Written in Pictographs Took Up an Entire Subway Car
Girl on A train: Why are all the signs advertising English language courses written in English?
Brother in a white hat: So people can read it, stupid!
--A Train
Overheard by: Closely Watching on the A Train
Um, Have You *Seen* Jackass?
French lesbian: Martin Luther king, was he white?
American lesbian: No. He was black!
French lesbian: Oh I always get him confused with that other president who was the cripple.
American lesbian: Martin Luther king wasn't ever a president.
French lesbian: God! But they have a day for him anyway? America is so pretentious!
--East Village
If That's Not a Rap Lyric, It Should Be One.
Little girl: Daddy, it's hard to be a six-year-old...
Dad: Uh huh.
Little girl: She wasn't calming me down, daddy, she was calming me up!
--Steinway & Ditmars, Astoria
The Zen Of Grandma
Grandmother: And when we get outside, then you can ask the big question. And what's the big question?
Grandson: Who are you?
--Park Slope
Overheard by: MK
When You Don't Know What You're Talking About, Charm's Only a Little Help
Guy #1: There are just some things certain in life, like death in Texas.
Guy #2: Wait...don't you mean to say "death and taxes"?
Guy #1: Oh yeah, I forgot to say it with an Southern accent.
--A Train
Overheard by: krisenthia
Except for That Three-Day Vacation in the Tombs
Man, entering subway and noticing religious freak speaking: Hey man! Good to see you! Where have you been all summer? Did you take a day off? Jesus doesn't take a day off!
--1 Train
Overheard by: J-OY-K
Which Are Also Made in China
Girl #1: Ugh, this is made in China, everything is made in China these days.
Girl #2: Yeah, in China they eat puppies.
--Target, Queens
Ronald Looks Pretty White, Though-- Just Sayin'
Foreign 7th-grade boy: Where do you live?
Local 7th-grade boy: Harlem, have you ever heard of Harlem?
Foreign boy: No.
Local boy: Do you know McDonald's?
Foreign boy: Yes.
Local boy: That's where Harlem is.
--3 Train
As in "Puttin' On the Fritz"?
Hipster chick #1: Yeah, my cell phone was on the...uh...skitz?
Hipster chick #2: "Skitz"?
Hipster chick #1: Maybe not. "Skitz" is like the streaks left in the toilet after you take a shit.
Hipster chick #2: You meant "on the Fritz"
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: The Katie
It's Even Funnier When You Know the Hobo Talks Like Mr. T
20-year old, passing a hobo: Dude, you smell.
Hobo: Fuck you, hipster!
20-year old: I'm not a hips...
Hobo, cutting him off: Where's your hat?
20-year old: I don't own a h...
Hobo, cutting him off: Fuck you and your hat!
--2nd Ave, East Village
In Lieu Of Deodorant
Hipster queer: This cigarette tastes like a taint.
Suit queer: That's weird.
Hipster queer: Yeah.
Suit queer: Cause I rubbed it in my armpit.
--NYU
These Days It's Just Called "Ritalin"
4th-grade thug #1: Yo, I heard they was doin' some drugs.
4th-grade thug #2: Psshh, everybody be doin' drugs nah-a-days.
4th-grade thug #1: Yeeeaaah, you right, you right.
--Colden St, Flushing
This Is Funnier If You Don't Think About Where She Hears It
Little girl to little boy: What are you doing!?
Little boy, holding a cup of water: Nothing.
Little girl: Every time I come back your glass is full again, you're always drunk!
--181 & Broadway
Overheard by: Justaboy86
...of Babies.
Second grader #1: Hey, is your mama having a baby sister?
Second grader #2: No, she just likes to eat a lot.
--Schoolyard, Brooklyn
With Those Serta Sheep Nipping at My Ankles All Night
Homeless man #1: Ya don't shit where you sleep, do ya?
Homeless man #2: Dude, I don't sleep where I sleep.
--6 Train
Corey Haim: Fuck!
Heavily tattooed, shirtless boy #1: Dude, Corey Feldman. I love Corey Feldman. I have a Corey Feldman action figure!
Heavily tattooed, shirtless boy #2: I have a Corey Feldman tattoo!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: alison
"...Now Just Say Thank You and Raise My Babies"
Thug #1: Yo, two girls was fightin' over me 'cause I fucked them both!
Thug #2 (pumping fist in the air): Yeeaahhhh! I seen it!
Thugette: I'd be like, "bitches, it's not like I fucked you at the same time or nothin'!"
--40th & 5th
Overheard by: She has a point
Or at Least Scissor-Kick Him to the Face
Hobo, sticking his face in cab window: Oh shit, it's Charlie's Angels!
Girl inside: Shut the door! Shut the door!
--Outside Gansevoort Hotel
Bottom Line: I Got the Job
Fag hag: So, how was it?
Urban queer: Girl, it was a week ago and I'm still washing the taste of his dick outta my mouth!
--LIRR
Overheard by: Matthew
Radioactive Shit
Cop #1: Remember that shit?
Cop #2: That was some crazy shit.
Cop #3: What shit?
Cop #2: The Spiderman shit.
Cop #3: Oh, that shit.
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Caroline
We Like to Think Of It As Our Elephant in the Room
Woman #1: I did that walk once when the subway was out.
Woman #2: It's good exercise. So, me and my friend decided that we need to exercise at least twenty minutes a day. For motivation, we decided that for each day we don't get at least twenty minutes in, we will donate $10 to the Republican National Committee. It's very motivating.
--Hudson & Houston
Judge Us by the Hotdogs in Our Hands and the Beer Spouting From Our Hats
Chick leaving bar to friend: That's it, I have given up on New York men!
Guy in Yankees shirt: Hey! Don't judge us by guys from Queens.
--Bohemian Beer Garden, Astoria
Overheard by: Mike H
Headline by: Nicola
Runners-Up:
· "...but by Our Slick Taste in T-Shirts!" - Ijudgeyou
· "His Argument Would Carry More Weight If He Wasn't Peeing Against a Brick Wall at the Time" - James
· "It's Like Judging Americans by George Bush" - Allison
· "Just by Guys Who Hang Out in Queens" - From Brooklyn
· "Otherwise You'd All Be Lesbians" - Katie Darling
· "There Are Four More Boroughs Waiting to Disappoint You" - AngusM
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I Remember When You Made Your Thong Hum Like a Bowstring
Boyfriend: So do you still fart in your sleep?
Girlfriend: I think so. I mean I can't really remember...
--Molly's Irish Pub, 3rd Ave & 22nd St
Why Wilson Philips Eventually Disbanded
Heavy-set girl: It's just so hard to lose weight, you know.
Friend: What? (pause) I'm sorry, I was lost in your chins.
--34th St
Which Makes Her, Like, a Virgin
NYU girl #1: Kate's done coke?
NYU girl #2: Yeah.
NYU girl #1: Really?
NYU girl #2: Yeah, but she hasn't done any with her new nose.
NYU girl #1: Oh.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Elena
We Were Told There'd Be No Math on This Wednesday One-Liner
Girl on cell: I would have had to study way a lot more to do better on that exam.
--72nd St & Broadway
Student: I cheated on every test in that class...I even cheated on the survey!
--Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Liz
Guy: I can't decide which song to listen to. (girls around him look at him quizzically) No, I normally listen to Van Halen's Right Now before a test, but this is my first exam in law school, and I want to set a precedent.
--Fordham Law School Cafeteria, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: pumpkin
Guy on phone: Yeah, normally in these situations I'd knock on my head, but I need my brain for the test today, so I'm not going to pretend it's wood.
--Ditmars & 31st St
Overheard by: Natalie
Student on phone: So what? I don't care that they're mad at me for getting pregnant again. I've got bigger things to deal with...two finals in one day.
--Fordham University, Rose Hill
Proctor: Okay, now don't leave any of the answers blank, cause it will be wrong. If you don't know, take a guess. It's like lotto: "Hey, you never know."
--New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene
Overheard by: Kristina
If You're Wednesday and You Know It, Clap Your One-Liners!
Man: Is this the happy train? (no reply) Oh, this is the depressed train. Who wants spare change?
--N Train
Overheard by: ellen.
Big old Russian guy: So vhy you drink? You drink ven you are happy, and you drink ven you are sad. Me, I am either happy, or I am sad. So me, I am drinking all the time!
--Deli, 83rd & York
Overheard by: Zinny
Large woman on cell: I wanted to suck away your happiness, do you understand? I just wanted to suck it away!
--Grand Central Station
Girl on cell: Yeah, no. So then he pulls the rubber duck out of his (lowers voice) ass and says he loves me. Yeah, for the first time, I was so happy...
--B Train
On Dark Nights, Wednesday One-Liners Walk the Streets
50-something suit on cell: So, are you coming or do you have to zombie-proof the apartment again?
--Downtown 6 Train
Youngish guy all in black: Vampires are so 90s. (female companion nods emphatically)
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Emily
Guy yelling to people dressed as zombies: Are there any fine zombies there that want to suck my dick?
--Union Square
Girl in Santa costume: Where are my fucking elves?!
--LaGuardia High School
Teen girl to friend: Well there are so many leprechauns at that school anyway, what do you really expect?
--Xavier High School
Overheard by: isa
Too Many Wednesday One-Liners to Count
Loud obnoxious girl in movie theater: Oh yeah, I confuse a billion and a million all the time.
--Union Square Movie Theatre
College student to friend: Yo, I know doctors that are making mad money but are still behind because of their student loans! One of them told me that I should go to a CUNY or SUNY for my undergrad, then spend the big bucks at a private college for my grad. Yo, it costs $200,000 to go to school, that's like half a million dollars!
--E Train
Overheard by: hopefully he won't be measuring doses
Creepy bald tattooed guy: 30% of communication is verbal. (creepy lady nods) And that means that the other 60% is done with our bodies...I've done the research it's incredible.
--Spring St & Greene St
Overheard by: Seth
Girl on phone: Yeah, so everyone else had like 3, or 5, and I had 75.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Jenn
Blonde teen on cell: 12 is not a baker's dozen, it's only a dozen. A baker's dozen is like 144. I've only slept with twelve guys, okay? Get off my back!
--Amsterdam Ave b/w 90th & 91st
Wednesday One-Liners Wear Heels in Bed
Obnoxious NYU student on phone: Hey, remember that cute boy in my chemistry class I was telling you about? Well, I totally just saw him in a gay porno!
--Study Room, NYU Dorm
Overheard by: NYU Ears
Patient woman: She's making friends with an old porn star, leave her alone!
--2nd Ave b/w 50th & 51st
Overheard by: sab
Cranky suit to nodding friend: Except for porn and eBay, no one knows how to make money anymore!
--Madison Ave & 47th St
Overheard by: kricka
Girl to friend: This would be a great place to shoot a porno.
--Downstairs Bar, Morimoto Restaurant
iPhone screamer: Yeah, just take the exec-u-table file and put it in the folder. Right the exec-u-table file! I know, the music is funny, like a porno, right?
--33rd St b/w 5th & 6th
Chick: You *know* we're all going to be googling "eggbeater porn" before the night is over.
--Party, 171st & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Wednesday Would Hit These One-Liners in a Heartbeat
Random guy to everyone nearby: Yes, you are sexier than Conor Oberst--all of you.
--McCarren Park
Overheard by: Chris K
Beer guy: I got sexy beer for sexy people! Beer so cold it talks back to you! If you don't drink beer, you die!
--Brighton Beach
Overheard by: Damn, I'd better by a beer...
Little boy in preppy school uniform to Asian teenage girl: Mmmmmmm...I like sexy girls. I like them a loooot. (takes out imaginary cell phone) Mmmm, mmhmm...I'd like that. Ohhh.
--M1 Bus
Hobo to guy carrying mirror: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the sssssexiest of 'em all?
--13th & 5th
Freshman to group of friends: Yo, when Jack* first got his hair cut it looked mad weird, but now it looks mad sexy, no homo. It kind of looks like the Jonas Brothers.
--Bard High School Early College
Columbia girl: She was sexy, but she shouldn't have done that. That's so Adam Smith.
--1 train
Overheard by: EthanK
Wednesday One-Liners Just Got Off the Boat-- Again
Puerto Rican guy to another: Out of all the continents, Staten Island is the craziest.
--Spring St b/w Mott & Elizabeth
Overheard by: Jack D
Girl to guy: I can't wait to be a Staten Islander.
--28th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Jennifer
Suit on cell: I take the Staten Island ferry because it's like a free cruise.
--60th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Mike
Ferry announcer: Please follow the signs posted for your assistance, and please see uniformed crew men in case of emergency. Thank you for riding the Staten Island ferry. Have a nice life!
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Steven
Professor: So is anyone here from Staten Island? (no reply) Good!
--NYU
Can You Get Wednesday One-Liners from a Toilet Seat?
Girl swimming in the Hudson River: I'm afraid if I take a pee, I'll get a venereal disease!
--Hudson River & 26th St
Overheard by: Nellie
(student #1 loudly hacks up a lung, while everyone else turns around in horror)
Student #2: Whoa, what do you have, chlamydia or something?
--11th Grade English Classroom, Bushwick
Overheard by: The Teacher
Angry drunk man to bemused drunk woman: I don't wanna fuck you, okay? I'm just saying I don't have genital warts!
--Ave A & Houston
Groaning guy on corner: I really don't want crabs...
--53rd & 6th
20-something woman: Everybody has issues. They're like herpes one.
--St. Mark's
Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred
Wednesday One-Liners: Great for Bachelor Parties!
16-year-old girl on cell: So like, for Halloween my mom told me about this strip club we could go to...
--110th & Central Park West
Overheard by: sophie Balis-Harris
Drunk stumbling Yankee meathead to fellow meatheads: Yo! Let's get some fucking strippers! I don't give a fuck about my girlfriend! (pauses and looks around) If I drop any more beer on this woman... (spills half his cup on her back) Ah, fuck.
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: seat 12 section 23
20-something woman on cell: What, you had sex with that stripper?!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Liz
Drunk suit: Yeah...we did it up fo' my son's 18th birfday. He be graduatin and all this year, so we sprung fo' a stripper.
--Q67 Bus
Overheard by: Kate
Teen screaming into cell: Stripper. (pause) No, stripper!
--Little Italy
Wednesday One-Liners for Hezbollah
Officer to old lady: Hey, don't leave you bag on the floor, there are terrorist everywhere.
--45th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: StriderNo9
Suit on cell: So you're gonna vote for a Muslim and a terrorist?
--MoMA
Hipster to friend: Yeah, terrorists totally love Bush.
--46th and 9th
Overheard by: choosing not to capitalize the B
Tourist: Are you guys terrorists?
--Rally for Gaza, 42nd & 7th
Overheard by: ooga booga
Loud black queer teen: But his best joke was like "What do you call people who hate ketchup?" (no response) "Al-Qaeda!" (bursts out laughing) Get it? It's funny because they don't have ketchup in Iraq!
--1 Train
Overheard by: Ketchup lover
Wednesday One-Liners Make Digital Records Of Their Humiliation
Stoned girl to tourists filming and photographing ads outside M&M store: It's an advertisement, people!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Alice
Hot woman in suit to unsuspecting family buying a knock-off purse: Don't buy that shit, you stupid fucking tourists!
--44th & 6th Ave
Overheard by: would never buy that shit
NYC punk to tourist bus: Hey, tourists! Welcome to New York! {short pause} Fuck you!
--8th & Broadway
Young thug to friend: Man, if I told you once, then I be telling you a million times. You from New York, fool. In New York, you don't be going giving no tourists directions! If they say, "where's the Empire State Building at?" you spit on them and walk the other way! Now don't you go make me be telling you again! I've had enough of you and yo' foolish ways. (couple wearing "I (heart) New York" t-shirts inch away nervously)
--Union Square
Overheard by: Glad I had a map
Suit with southern accent: Nah! That library has too many tourists.
--51 & Lexington
Overheard by: Miriam