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March 2009 Archives
And I Told You Not to Wear All Brown
Little kid to passerby: Poop! Bye bye, poopie!
Obnoxious girl, stopping in middle of street and glaring at kid: Did she just call me a poop? What the hell!
Girl's friend: "Poopie," not poop.
--Little Italy
Sleep Comes Easy Once Your Conscience Dies
Bragging lawyer: That's what Americans think about Africa. That it's all animals and shit.
(later) I could sleep like a baby in Vietnam! Easy.
--Starbucks, 14th St
Overheard by: Elizabel
Recession What?
Two-year-old boy: Do you want to see my BlackBerry?
Babysitter: You have a BlackBerry?
Two-year-old boy: Yeah! I have a BlackBerry!
--Lincoln Center
What? I'm British.
High school brunette: Hey, how do you spell "who"?
High school blond: Are you retarded?
High school brunette: Just tell me!
High school blond: Wow, I can't believe I have to do this: h-o-u.
--75th & Park
Overheard by: Greg U.
But That's on Purpose.
Old lady being pushed into the train: Young man, you are crushing my package.
Young man: Lady, you're crushing my package, too.
--1 Train
...But You're Probably Right About the Shower.
Passenger to woman stumbling on crowded train and talking to herself: Shut up and take a shower you crackhead!
Drug-addled woman: I'm not a crackhead, I'm a dope-fiend!
--A Train
Overheard by: david
When We Took Your Wallet and Divided It Up Amongst Us, for Instance.
Drunk guy in full New Year regalia: Well, I'm from fuckin' Pennsylvania and I never seen anything like this! This shit is fantastic! Woo!
Irritated sober woman: Really? No one on this train had any idea you weren't from New York!
--Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Isn't That a Lil' Kim Song?
Overweight black woman #1: She's just lying on the beach now, sippin' Bahama Mamas or some shit.
Overweight black woman #2: Shoot, girl. That's the life.
Overweight black woman #1: Ah, hell no. Fuck Bahama Mamas. I need me a penis, alotta.
--St. Mark's Place & 1st
Overheard by: Danny
We Invented Jesus
Young, religious guy: Hey! Do you know Jesus?
Older guy: Of course, I'm Catholic!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Lily F.
Remember That Time You Quoted Byron While We Were Drinking Those Giant Margaritas?
Girl #1: ...like that time we saw Zack and Miri make a porno.
Girl #2: That was pretty deep.
Girl #1: But not as deep as Cancun.
Girl #2: True, true.
--Times Square
You'd Better Not Be Writing Your Novel in There!
Man outside stall to presumed child: Okay champ, have you done your business in there?
Very deep voice from stall: Still working on it, thanks!
--Men's Room, Grand Central Station
We Have Either the Bible, Marie Claire, or a Book Of Crossword Puzzles
Sales associate #1, assisting a customer: Are there any good thrillers in paperback?
Sales associate #2: No.
--Grand Central Terminal
Overheard by: Jake E
I'll Give You Pickles 'Til It Hurts!
Raucous blond toddler, shouting: I want pickles!
Harried young mother, shouting back even louder: We have pickles at home! I will give you pickles!
--Broadway & Bleecker
Wednesday Is Gin Day.
Drunk hobo, eyeing designer bottled water: Hey lady, is that all vodka?
UES lady, without missing a beat: Not this morning.
--4 Train
Overheard by: austin
But First We Should Get High
Girl to gay guy: If you were a bird, you would totally be one that wore a tuxedo every day.
Gay guy: Lets go to the Bronx Zoo.
--45th & Lexington
Overheard by: CBro
Or, As I Like to Call It, a "Circle Of Joy"...Why Are You Laughing?
Student #1, commenting on hole in graph: Is it a black hole?
Student #2, sarcastically: No, a red hole.
Teacher, writing on brown blackboard: It's a brown hole.
(class bursts into laughter)
--Math Class, Bronx HS of Science
Overheard by: Lillian
Starbucks Needs a Numbered Menu-- Just Sayin'
Customer: I'll have a skim cafe au lait.
Barista: We call it a "cafe misto" here.
Cashier: Yeah, I think "cafe au lait" is Italian.
--Starbucks
Tila Tequila Got Her Stage Name Early in Life
Young boy, about stumbling kid: What's wrong with her? What should we do?
Confident nine-year-old girl: It's okay, she just had too much tequila.
--Fordham University
Overheard by: Stunned
Your Boyfriend Lives in Queens and You Own.
Drunk black girl #1, hearing Hispanic dance song: I live in the Bronx. I hear this shit every day.
Drunk black girl #2: You live in Brooklyn.
Drunk black girl #1: My boyfriend lives in the Bronx and my rent is due.
--New Year's Eve Party, Spanish Harlem
Overheard by: Patrick
You'll Never Go Hungry in New York, Sweetie
Mother, after listening to child talking nonstop: You are so bizarre.
Six-year-old boy, seriously: I eat bugs.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Good to Know
Dear Dan Savage...
Teen #1: That's nasty, dude, she had strep throat last week. If you made out with her, you're totally gonna get strep throat.
Teen #2: Oh, fuck...can somebody get strep dick?
--N Train
Overheard by: -bill
A Similar Situation Occurred When Bush Left the White House
Woman, in line for bathroom: Is there actually anyone in the bathroom?
Man in front of her: Yeah.
Woman: Did someone die in there?
Man: I think the next person might.
--Starbucks, 2nd Ave & 9th St
Overheard by: the dead guy's girlfriend
Headline by: Nick Pollotta
Runners-Up:
· "Am I the Only One Fighting the Urge to Make a "Crappuccino" Joke Right Now?" - lauren beth
· "I've Heard a Lot Of Screaming From Inside" - KMW
· "Let's Use the Bathroom Of the Starbuck's Next Door" - Coyoty
· "M. Night Shyamalan Finally Hits Rock Bottom" - Nick Pollotta
· "Starbucks' Experiment With a Grande Broccoli and Bean Chai Latte Ended Then and There" - Chris
· "Stephen King Is Running Out Of Material" - JohnAustin
· "The Birth Of the "Ladies First" Concept" - Morning Glory
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
'Ow! Ow! Ow!' Means 'Thanks'?
Gangsta: Yo, you didn't even thank me when I was putting it in your ass!
Girl, indignant: I did thank you!
--Wagner College
Giuliani Has Become Surprisingly More Compassionate Since Leaving Office
Man going into deli: Don't you have a sweater?
Hobo: Yeah, I got one.
Man: Well, put it on--you will catch cold.
Hobo: I'll put it on later.
Man: Put it on now, you cannot afford to catch cold in your line of business.
--181st & Fort Washington
New York Invented Social Darwinism
Girl #1: We can't cross now! There are cars coming!
Girl #2, beginning to walk into street: Well, they can't hit all of us.
--Lexington & 3rd
Overheard by: Following the leader
That Daniel Radcliffe Play Has Made Us All Smarter
Guy #1, discussing Plaxico Burress: Who the hell would name their kid "Plaxico"? Sounds like the name of an equine.
Guy #2: A what?
Guy #1: A horse, nigga.
Guy #2: Sheeeit!
--Whitehall & Water
Overheard by: PJ P.
I'm Always Like, "Should I Walk Straight, or in Circles? I Forget!"
Blonde European: I get lost between the avenues.
Brunette European: Me too!
--16th & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Jenny and LaLa
My First Day at the Academy, Just Like Everyone Else
NYC cop #1: You ever seen Bobby's World?
NYC cop #2: Yeah!
--The Pond, Manhattan
Overheard by: Oscar
That's Why We're Here
Student, reading incorrectly from The Scarlet Letter: "Gorgeous luxuriance of fantasy..."
English teacher: "Fancy."
Student: "Fancy." I can't read.
English teacher: I know.
--English Class, Bronx HS of Science
Overheard by: Lillian
Lipstick Rings Around the Toilet Bowl Are Never a Good Sign
Young daughter to mother flushing toilet: Mommy! It says "do not flush."
Mother: No, honey, it says "do not flush feminine products."
Young daughter: What are "feminine products"?
Mother (after pause): Lipstick.
--Macy's Bathroom, W 34th St
Overheard by: Brin
Sorry Babe, I'm Keeping the "X" in "Xmas"
Man whore on cell: So for Christmas, I'm going to that strip club I met Susan at...just to do something special, ya know.
Religious woman: Because nothing says "I love my savior" like topless sluts and lap dances.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Jasper
Wow. Deep.
Daughter: Is that our bus?
Mother: No, that's a tourist bus, we're waiting for the city bus.
Daughter: Hey! Is that the Empire State Building? It's really tall!
Mother: It's not that tall.
Daughter: I never saw it before.
Mother: You never looked up.
--34th St & 7th Ave
Do You Want Fat Feet?
Preppy girl #1, in orgasmic voice: Candy-covered chocolate uggs!
Preppy girl #2: Shut up, Tiffany!
--M79 Bus
Overheard by: Fresca P.
They Never Did Continue.
Biology teacher: So guys, we're going to go over the stuff I didn't get to yesterday.
Student: Mr. Jones*, you're too good of a teacher to have missed anything. There's nothing left to cover.
Biology teacher: We'll continue as soon as Thomas* takes his lips off my butt.
--Stuyvesant High School
What Did I Tell You About Maryland Girls?
Sanitation worker #1: Man, I can't believe she broke it off after all I did for her.
Sanitation worker #2: Seriously! Them women are so ungrateful.
Sanitation worker #1: I put so much into that relationship, and bought her all this shit, and all I'm left with is crabs.
--Houston & Greene
Overheard by: office peon
Can I Feed Them Something Sharp?
Mom: You have to start feeding your birds, honey.
Little girl: I don't want to.
Mom: It's called "responsibility", you need...
Little girl, interrupting: I don't like birds!
--27th St
Maybe I'll Just Get a Dick
20-something girl #1: I need to go on a diet.
20-something girl #2: Why? You look fine.
20-something girl #1: Because that tranny over there has a dick and looks better in a dress than I do.
--Manhattan Ave & 110th St
...Shall We Take It from the Top?
Delivery guy, singing: Tra-la! Tra-la! Tra-la!
Halal meat kiosk guy, singing: Tra-la!
Delivery guy: Tra-la!
Kiosk guy: Tra-la!
Delivery guy: Tra-la!
Kiosk guy: Tra-la!
Delivery guy: Tra-la!
Kiosk guy: Tra-la!
Delivery guy: Tra-la!
Kiosk guy: Tra-la!
--43rd St b/w 2nd & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Pleasantly surprised
Granted, With Oyster Cream Sauce
Girl #1: Your pussy smells like fish.
Girl #2: Your pussy smells like a light salmon.
Girl #1: Oh, yeah? Well, you're no more than a brook trout.
--110 & Amsterdam
Mice Have Always Been Fashion-Forward
Gay guy #1: Do you know that mice can survive longer without water than a camel?
Gay guy #2: That's gorgeous. I love it.
--East Village
But Miami's Warm-- Why Is Everyone There So Attractive?
Teen punk girl: You know, I don't get why people wear uggs. They're all like, "oh, they're warm, they're warm! I don't care if they're warm, they are not attractive!
Teen hipster friend: Yeah, I know, right?
Teen punk girl: There's many things that are warm, but that are not attractive. North Face ski coats are warm, are they attractive? No. Fat people must be warm, are they attractive? Fuck no!
--110th & Amsterdam
Same Reason You Aren't Homeschooling Him
Angry parent: So what you are telling me is you know nothing about how my son's face got bruised.
Teacher: No, ma'am. Like I said, it happened at recess. I am on my lunch during their recess.
Angry parent: So you weren't there? You didn't see nothing?
Teacher: I did not see anything. I was not there. I was on my lunch.
Angry parent: So you wasn't there? You is his teacher but you's not with him all day?
Teacher: No ma'am. If I were with these students all day, I would kill myself.
--Public School, Bronx
I'm Wearing a Police Uniform, Sir.
Thug: Good afternoon, kind public. Y'all want some stolen shit? I got that.
(passing girl laughs)
Friend of thug: Don't laugh at that, that shit ain't funny.
Girl: Oh, but it so is.
Thug: Hey, little lady, may I interest you in some fine ass stolen shit?
--33rd & 8th
For Instance, I Could Learn What "Audacity" Means
Preppy girl #1: Where's that Obama book?
Preppy girl #2: The Audacity of Hope?
Preppy girl #1: Yeah, that one.
Preppy girl #2: Why do you want that? It's not like you're gonna read it.
Preppy girl #1: I know, but I feel like if I did, I'd be a lot smarter, you know?
--Strands Book Store, Union Square
And Only the Stupid People Would Die!
Teen #1: Man, this world is too overpopulated!
Teen #2: You know, if we changed all the "walk" signs to "don't walk," and all the "don't walk" signs to "walk," the problem would be solved!
--14th St & Broadway
Overheard by: that could work
On the Plus Side, You Don't Have to Fight Any Wars in His Name
Beggar to two girls: Jesus loves you.
Girl #1: No, he doesn't.
Beggar: Yes, he does! Jesus loves everyone!
Girl #2: Yeah, okay.
Beggar: But he does, he loves you!
Girl #1: No, really, he doesn't. She's Jewish.
Beggar: Shit, I'm sorrrry.
--8th & Broadway
Overheard by: Madelyn
A Beautiful Story Of the Triumph Of the Human Spirit
Boy, locked in train bathroom: Mommy, I can't get out!
Mom, trying not to laugh: Sweetie, it's okay, you just need to undo the lock.
Boy: I can't breathe!
(car erupts into laughter, followed by applause once he makes it out)
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Gavin
We Could Bring Whole New Meaning to "Piss Drunk"
Frat boy: You know what I should get you for your birthday?
Girlfriend: What?
Frat boy: A funnel.
Girlfriend: A funnel?
Frat boy: Yeah, a funnel. So you can piss in a corner.
Girlfriend: I could also use it to funnel beer!
Frat boy: You'd have to wash it first.
--Starbucks, Astor Place
...as Is the Custom in Paris
Drunk guy on subway, trying to whisper: Um...for future reference, don't use that French accent next time we fuck.
Loud drunk girl, breaking into hysterical laughter: Ha! And then you're going to tell me not to fart on your balls!
--B Train
Overheard by: Glad I missed that party
Dad Sells a Lot Of Beans in Hong Kong
Stoner girl: After Thanksgiving break I realized that no one in my family ever knows what the fuck I am talking about.
Stoner guy: Yeah! Totally! Everything I said to my dad he'd be like "What?! What the hell does that have to do with the price of beans in Hong Kong?"
--Fordham University, Rose Hill Campus
According to the Nanny Who Raised Me, Anyway.
Girl #1: The Wiz is so much better than The Wizard of Oz!
Girl #2: That's 'cause there ain't no white people in it.
Girl #1: True...true.
--57th & 6th
Overheard by: Ross
There Go the Horseback Riding Lessons, I Guess.
Mom #1: She refuses to wear slacks! She'll only wear dresses and skirts. She told me, "mommy, girls don't like to have anything between their legs except their underpants."
Mom #2: Let's hope she feels that way til she's twenty.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Close!
Street corner punk #1: Where did she say she lives?
Street corner punk #2: Yonkers.
Street corner punk #1: Yonkers? There's no place called "Yonkers"! She was playin' you, man.
Street corner punk #2: Whatchoo talkin' about, man? Yonkers is a city!
Street corner punk #2: Yeah right. There's also a city called "my balls."
--Sutphin Blvd & 89th Ave, Jamaica
Overheard by: Big Larry
Like When Gandalf and Frodo Sailed Off to the Gray Havens
Ghetto hipster #1: I've never been to Queens!
Ghetto hipster #2: Queens is where like...retired cops from the Bronx go to retire and feel safe.
--L Train
Overheard by: anna
I Promise to Answer on the First Ring
Guido, shouting: Yo, who leaves a fuckin' business card in the shitter? Seriously!?
Man from across bathroom: You should call the number on the card, maybe they'll give you a blowjob.
--Grand Central Terminal
Overheard by: Michael
Explains Why You Put International Postage on Everything Outside Of Manhattan
Secretary: What are you doing for Thanksgiving?
Nurse: My husband and I are going to North Carolina to visit his family. Why? What are you doing? Do you want to come with us?
Secretary: No. I can't. I don't have a passport.
Nurse: Uh.
--NYU Cancer Center
Overheard by: Destiny Traphofner
The Danger Of Marrying a Meat-and-Potatoes Guy
Woman #1: How many potatoes should I get? Like, three?
Woman #2, shrieking: Three? Three?! Are you serious? Have you seen your husband lately?
Woman #1, confused: Four?
Woman #1: He eats more than I eat in a year! He's huge! You'll need at least fifteen potatoes!
Woman #2: Yeah, I guess you're right.
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: Sarah
But I Told You I Didn't Want This Baby
Sales girl: Yo, I'm sorry I'm taking so long to close this register.
Supervisor: And I'm sorry I opened your register and it slammed you in the uterus.
--The Met
Jesus: Hey, We All Wore Sandals!
Man: Wait, who's the gay one again?
Friend: Jesus. Jesus is gay.
--110th & Broadway
To Be Fair, All Of Strawberry Shortcake's Bodily Emissions Smell Glorious
Older teen boy: Oh my god, yesterday after the party I had these farts that smelled odee.
Younger teen girl: Yeah, oh my god, was it that bad?
Older teen boy: I mean I was running away from my own farts.
Younger teen girl: Wow, it's weird cuz I love the way my farts smell!
(older teen boy walks away and crosses the street)
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: fart smeller
When Sleeping with the Boss Doesn't Even Guarantee Success, You Know the Apocalypse Is Near
Girl #1: Well, I guess they are going to lay off half of my hedge fund.
Girl #2: That's awful! What are you going to do?
Girl #1: Well, the job market totally sucks right now--I think I'm just going to sleep with the CEO. He's been flirting with me forever.
Girl #2: Well, you might as well just look on Craigslist--he's going to be broke in two months anyways.
--59th & Lexington
Ah, the Sounds Of the City...
Fundraising man: Donate just one penny, one penny can make a difference...
Woman passing by: Well then put yer own damn penny in it!
--5th & 57th
Overheard by: jen
What About the Old Cuban Lady We Have Rolling Cigars in the Basement?
Black guy #1: Yeah, Obama! The slaves are free!
Black guy #2: Uh, what?
--Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: walkin' whitey
You're So Unsupportive!
Guy #1 (reading newspaper): The fattest city in America: Virginia.
Guy #2: That's not a city.
Guy #1: Oh. I meant West Virginia.
Guy #2: That's still not a city.
--112th & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: It's not?
College Boys, in a Nutshell.
Guy #1: Dude, I got icy hot on my penis and it hurt so bad that I had to wrap it in toilet paper.
Guy #2: Haha, it's a mummy penis!
--NYU Palladium
Overheard by: Zacharia
I Told Him It Was an Allergic Reaction to a Bee Sting
Big girl: Eww! I miss the days I went out with Eric.
Friend: Why? He was an asshole!
Big girl: He took me out so much, I swear I went to every cool spot in New York City.
Friend: Wait, so bascially he wined and dined you?
Big girl: Yep!
Friend: What the fuck, I thought fat girls didn't get wined and dined!
--Coffee Shop, Union Square
I'm Not Svelte Enough to Be Gay Right Now
Teen girl: Oh my god! Are you coming out of the closet?
Teen guy: Wait...what? I can't even fit into my closet.
--F train
Overheard by: ali
Your Dancing, Jumping, or Rapping, Maybe
Black guy: Wanna see what I'm famous for?
Tourist: No, I don't want to see your penis.
--Central Park Entrance
On the Plus Side, I Get Tons Of Days Off for All Sorts Of Random Holidays
Overly enthusiastic customer: So I heard that they are coming out with a 32 gb iPhone for Christmas. Like a red product thing for Christmas. Is that true?
Overly perky Apple employee: Well, sir, I wouldn't know because I'm Jewish and whenever they have Christmas meetings, they kick me out of the room.
--Apple Store SoHo, Prince & Greene St
Overheard by: are they allowed to say that?
You Already Did That Twice in the Club
Party girl, bending over to pet a dog tied to a mailbox: Hi, puppy!
Male friend: Don't do that, don't pet a strange dog.
Random black guy, barking: He gonna bite your hand!
Party girl: I'm going to bite your hand.
Random black guy: You bite my hand, I bite yo booty.
--Hudson & 10th
Overheard by: erkala
Bristol Palin's Abstinence-Based Pregnancy Filled a Good Six Months
Preppy girl: Oh my god! I swear, she's like the biggest prep I have ever seen in my entire life!
Man, sitting down: I got my share of irony for today.
--Q16 Bus
Headline by: EddieA
Runners-Up:
· "And I Didn't Have to Wait for the L or the J" - Elsie Norma
· "And I Haven't Even Been to Williamsburg Yet" - Kaitlen
· "Beats the Shit Out Of That Whole "Black Fly in Your Chardonnay" Thing" - mac
· "It's Because She's Blind, Right?" - tatts
· "Take THAT Alanis Morissette" - my meter's pegged
· "That Day Bob Realized He Didn't Need the Supplements After All" - subtleglow
· "Yeah, but She Had TWO Sweaters Over Her Shoulders" - Mary
· "You Need to Build Up Hipster-Level Tolerances to Handle Stuff Like This" - Jeff
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And I Ran Out Of Monkey Wax
Hip student #1: How's Libby?
Hip student #2: She's good. We're getting along really great. We eat dinner together every night. She's really smart and she's so pretty. The only problem is...
Hip student #1: The only problem is what?
Hip student #2: I think I might be allergic to her fur.
--Columbia Campus, Morningside Heights
Overheard by: some girl
Half Of the City Has That Excuse, Ma'am.
Hobo, opening door for ATM users: Hey, girl. Remember the homeless. Give money to the homeless.
Woman, leaving ATM and walking out the door: No. I just got fired.
--Citibank, 16th & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Lindsay
At Which Point I Assume the Government Supplies You with a Personal Chef
NYU chick #1: What's the poverty level anyway?
NYU chick #2: I don't know, like $100,000 a year?
--NYU Dorm
Wednesday Doesn't Know a Single One-Liner Here Tonight
Girl to friend: This party is going to be awesome! Wait. We have to stop somewhere on the way...I gotta pee before I put out tonight.
--Montrose & Graham
Dude: Do you even know what an Animal Collective Listening Party means in the rest of the country?
--Animal Collective Album Listening Party, River Room, Harlem
Overheard by: care bear stare
Girl: I think it's okay if she parties, as long as it's with a bunch of Christians.
--West 4th b/w 6th & MacDougal
Girl to friend: There's this party in the East Village. It's called "Spit." I'll tell you next time I go. It's on Fridays. But my gawd, these guys are cokeheads. I ended up with ten of them in my apartment last week.
--8th & 18th
Overheard by: Sebastian White
Chick on cell: Do parties *count* if there's nothing but necking and spanking and nipple-tweaking?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Guy: I know I'm gay, but the best part of my Bar Mitzvah was meeting the party planner.
--Barns & Noble, 8th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Rijita
Take a Wednesday One-Liner. It'll Last Longer.
Woman to friend: Wait till I show you the pictures. He looked so good in the coffin...
--Gym, Westchester Ave
Thug to homies: Yo, we need to take a pic in case the world ends tomorrow.
--Q Train
Overheard by: Robert
Too-cool-for-school coworker: You don't know how to use your scanner?! Shhiiiit, fool! I can teach you that! I taught myself how to use Google Calendar today. I have a Master's in photography.
--NYU
Overheard by: mm
Man on cell: Hi! Oh my gosh, I just got some great pictures of a plane that crashed into the river!
--Hudson River Park
20-something girl on phone with friend: Will you grab my camera from the apartment for me before you come out tonight? (pause) Thanks, I need it to take pictures of my conquests.(pause) All men should fear us.
--Brooklyn
Those Who Can't Do, Wednesday One-Liner
Anthropology prof: Amish youth in Pennsylvania have the opportunity to go out and experience mainstream society for a period of time before deciding whether or not to leave Amish society. An overwhelming amount decide to return to Amish society. That really tells you something about the cohesiveness of this religious sect! (pause) Then again, maybe it's just because Philadelphia is the city they all go out into.
--Classroom, Fordham University
Overheard by: Martin Van Nostrand
Professor: You still need to lubricate anything that's sliding in and out.
--The Cooper Union
NYU prof: I have an aunt who is 105, and she just keeps on living. I just want to tell her, "you don't need to live for-fucking-ever. Die already, you have no quality of life!
--NYU
Columbia professor (to teaching assistant): You know, I've been teaching this stuff so long, I almost believe it.
--Classroom, Columbia University
Professor: I hope that Freud reading gave you a rise. I didn't just say that.
--NYU
Overheard by: Yeah. It did.
Wednesday One-Liners Are Up Shit's Creek
Three-year-old boy, refusing to get in stroller: Shit! Shit! Shit, mommy! Shit!
--Chelsea Market
Overheard by: Sarah
Young boy, yelling after hearing Jesus freaks preach: What a bunch of shit that is!
--7th Ave & 33rd St
Overheard by: Colleen
Hobo drinking Red Bull: This is Red Bull shit!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: RevolutionSuzi
30-something lady on cell: I'm gonna be shitting my brains out later.
--Astoria
Seasoned-looking guy, watching hobo pee in the middle of a subway car: I ain't never seen that shit before. That shit is brand new!
--4 Train
Overheard by: i will be traumatized forever
Menacing black woman on phone: I'mma go home and shit on my girlfriend's China.
--Pratt Institute
Overheard by: Penelope
If You've Got Wednesday One-Liners, Flaunt 'Em!
Hispanic girl on phone: I'm in the Heights, looking at clothes...of course they're slutty, that's all we wear.
--St Nicholas Ave b/w 181 & 182 St
Overheard by: Linda Rhodes
Friend to scantily clad girl adjusting extremely low-cut shirt: Why are you even wearing a shirt?
--NYU
Flamboyant black man: Girl, I can see yo' pussy, yo' pants are too tight!
--14th St
Blonde: I'm just going to put a thong and a mini skirt on him, and he'll entertain us.
--Broadway & 34th St, Astoria
Overheard by: Natalie
Freshman NYU student during welcome week: I can't wait to get some slutty clothes...so I can fit in.
--Outside NYU's Kimmel Center
Wednesday One-Liners Are a Real Steal
Street vendor, yelling: Anyone need coach purses? Anyone need stolen shit?
--Times Square
Overheard by: Sarah and Andrew
Black guy holding purses: Yo! Who wants to buy some stolen shit? I got some nice stolen shit over here.
--Times Square
Overheard by: A Little Too Intrigued
Man selling bootleg designer bags: Anyone want some stolen shit?
--45th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Claire
Yelling man peddling counterfeit purses: Get your stolen shit! Everyone needs some stolen shit! It's stolen in New York, so it still counts as being from New York!
--Time Square
Thug holding handbags: Who want some stolen shit? I'm not gonna lie in 2009. I got Dolce & Gabanna and Louis Vuitton. Who want some stolen shit?
--Times Square
Wednesday One-Liners Don't Count Anal
Girl on cell: I don't know what it is with me and virgins. I think I've collected like four virgin scalps.
--Q58 Bus
Overheard by: Tom
Cashier, screaming to friend cashier: But why do you have to tell everyone that he's the guy who popped my cherry?
--72nd & 1st
Overheard by: tomas
Ghetto girl: If you got finger-popped, you ain't no virgin.
--Downtown 6 Train
Overheard by: Jake M
Teen boy on cell: Of course I don't have any kids! Girl, you know I'm pure--like water in Africa.
--Manhattan Ave & 123rd St.
Overheard by: CreativeBunny
Hispanic girl, loudly to a group of friends : I mean, I'm still a virgin and I have three STDs!
--Ave C
Wednesday One-Liners Wish They Could Marry Themselves
20-something, beating his chest and coughing: John, don't die...you're too young, you're too beautiful, the world needs you to stay alive!
--55th & Madison Ave
Overheard by: Jesus Jon
Girl on phone: I just don't see why he doesn't want to do me.
--NYU
Lab assistant on phone: I mean, I love the way I look. And they way I talk...well, that's fine. But that laugh? Dear god.
--NYU Computer Lab
Overheard by: meli$$a
Man on cell: So that's it? You're genetically superior to her, case closed?
--5th Ave & 16th St
Overheard by: Prof. Creepyhugz
Tall black guy to shorter, buff black guy: It's not about your looks or the way you're built: you've got charisma, you've got something that draws people to you. I know because I've got it too.
--Planet Sushi, Amsterdam Ave
Overheard by: Suze V
Female student, walking in: Okay! The princess is back and she feels ten pounds lighter!
--Borough Manhattan Community College Computer Lab
Overheard by: Steve
Please Stand Behind the White Line While the Wednesday One-Liner Is in Motion
Bus driver, just before departing for Boston: Peace, love, and if no one's said it to you today, I love you.
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: Nina
Bus driver: Hello? Can you hear me? Can you hear me? If so, you're too close to the front. Move to the back of the bus, back of the bus...I'll be here til 2 in the morning, I have plenty of time.
--M86 Bus
Overheard by: urbanadventurer
MTA bus driver to woman with a kid: Excuse me, you have to pay for your kid to ride this train. See the line where your hand is? If he is shorter than that line, then he doesn't have to pay. But he is taller, and he has to pay. (woman and kid walk off bus, now he addresses passengers) But on a lighter note, happy New Year.
--M86 Train
Overheard by: Melissa
Bus driver of crowded bus: This is Madison avenue. Get off! I mean...watch your step.
--Bus, 86th St
Overheard by: Michael
Bus driver: This is the last stop, Queens Center. If you are going shopping today, I hope you find everything you are looking for. Also, please be nice to the salespeople. It's not easy dealing with people day after day. I should know, I'm a bus driver.
--Q88 Bus
Overheard by: Jenn
Baby, You Can Drive My Wednesday One-Liner
Teenage girl to friends: How many babies can you squish into an oversized Ferrari?
--W 77th & Central Park West
Overheard by: Teddy Nicholas
Bartender: Can you imagine living somewhere where you actually have to drive home after work?
--Vintage Restaurant, Hell's Kitchen
Overheard by: GretaGarbo86
Dude eating lunch with friends: Man, I hate to say it, but I love driving drunk.
--Restaurant, Bleecker & Lafayette
Gay black man to another: First of all, that fender bender you had a block away from your house was not a car accident. My three-car-pile-up was a car accident!
--A Train
Six-year-old to mom: What? An actual person who drinks and drives and she's famous? She's been in movies and she drinks and drives?! What is happening to this world?
--13th St & 5th Ave
Random wannabe thug: Yo, we seen a NYPD car get hit by a harpoon!
--Montgoris Dining Hall, St. John's University
Overheard by: Craig
Scarlett Johansson's Wearing Wednesday One-Liners This Season
(Asian tourist walks onto subway with large panda-head shaped hat)
Random guy: Take off that silly ass hat!
--Uptown 1 Train
Guy: When I wear my other coat, I look like a yak.
--Mott St
Overheard by: robin
Thug to friend: I totally know fashion designers. I know who Hill-finger is.
--Thompson Street, SoHo
Drunk guy to orthodox Jew: Nice lid.
--Near Herald Square
Guy walking out of subway: Then she came in and told me to put the mask on.
--6 Train
Overheard by: Sarah
History teacher to class: Now, if you want a decent straw hat, do not make one.
--Millennium High School
Overheard by: Adriana
Wednesday One-Liners for "White Harlem"
Columbia freshman: Mwahaha...I love contextual references.
--Butler Library, Columbia University
Overheard by: not studying...
Guy to friends: God, why doesn't Columbia have a freakin' umbrella over it?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: dripping wet
Columbia student to another: I didn't mean to get drunk last night, but I stopped by a liquor store on the way home.
--Columbia University
Columbia student to friend: Do you want to go frolic in Westside Market?
--110th & Broadway
Female Columbia student to male Columbia student, smacking him with foam covered bat: Sometimes I feel like we belong in a state school.
--Columbia Dorm
If It Were Up to Me, We Would've "Accidentally" Left Them Home Alone
Flight attendant: In case of an emergency, please place the oxygen mask on yourself first. You may then help your favorite child or the one with the most potential.
Well dressed father: Which one would that be?
Bored mother: Neither.
--JFK
Overheard by: Glad my kids weren't with me
Advil Commercials Are Getting Edgier Than Ever
Guy waiting for train: Yeah, my sister-in-law was hit by the f train.
Friend: What?
Guy: She was leaning out and...bam! It hit her in the back of the head! She had to get like 15 staples.
Friend: Is she okay?
Guy: Well, she had a headache.
--F Train
Overheard by: Denah
All Three Of Them.
Guy #1: Dude, what's with the hot water?
Guy #2 (with pierced nipples): My nipples like steaming hot water. That's how they roll.
--NYU Palladium
Overheard by: Zacharia
Anyone Else Wondering What Color Their Vomit Will Be?
Teen girl #1: I love our lunch. Cheez-Its, frosting, and water.
Teen girl #2: At least we didn't get soda.
Teen girl #1: Yeah, I feel fat.
--Duane Reade
Overheard by: Jmo
Kids These Days Are Bred to Be Competitive
Bag lady: Spare some food...I'm hungry. Anything, even some water.
Seven-year-old girl to mother, after bag lady leaves: She's hungry. Why's she hungry? I'm hungry too!
--E Train
Overheard by: nk
Texas: 1 New York City: 2,930,987
Old lady to young man helping her carry heavy bags: What a nice gentleman! Thank you!
Young man: I am not from here. If you go to Texas, you would not have to carry bags anymore!
--Midtown
Overheard by: SH
Why Grandma and Her Ventilator Are Currently Sleeping on the Front Stoop
Six-year-old boy in voting booth with mother: Obama for president! Mommy, I want Obama to win!
Mother to son: You wouldn't be living under my roof if you didn't!
--Voting Booth, 22nd & 2nd
Overheard by: Casey Felago
Virgins in Utah Have Had the Clap
Guy #1: Bro, you're like a walking STD.
Guy #2: Dude, the clap doesn't count. Who hasn't had the clap?
--The Ginger Man
Overheard by: John
Or So I've Read in the Encyclopedia Entry on "Sex"
Student #1: Well, one reason that we see a lot of tongues in Japanese monster culture might be because of an inherent aversion to bodily fluids! Like I heard Japanese people take showers before and after sex.
Student #2: Plus, in Hentai there's always way more fluids in the sex scenes than there really should be.
Student #3: Besides, there's a lot of tongue use in sex.
Professor: Well, why do you suppose that is?
Student #3: Because you like, lick stuff! Jeez!
--East Asian Studies Class, Columbia University
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Thank Goodness There Are Drugs That Allow Us to Have These Experiences
Punk school girl: You know what would be really cool? If you took a shit, and then it started talking to you!
Hipster friend: Yeah! Imagine if it started talking in a different language! Like, "Nihao! Ching gong shit!"
--Morningside Park
Melissa? Iiiiiinteresting.
EMT #1, to vomiting wino: What's your name?
Wino: Dennis.
EMT #1: Dennis? Okay, Dennis, we're gonna...
Wino: (unintelligible muttering)
EMT #1: What?
Wino: (unintelligible muttering)
EMT #2: Well, what's your name when you're not drunk?
--Broadway & Astor Place
Overheard by: Rachel Silver
Nobody Quite Knows What to Make Of Transfatty
Tween thugette #1, at a cologne display: I'ma get this for him for Christmas, cause he a homo! He a hydrogenate!
Tween thugette #2: No, he ugly!
--Target, Atlantic Center
Overheard by: Ashley
The Who Boys?
Young black woman #1: So I had to go to concerts and promote other concerts.
Young black woman #2: What concerts?
Young black woman #1: People you never heard of. Brian Wilson. He used to be with The Beach Boys.
--A Train
That Red Ribbon on Her Collar Is Just Style
Woman #1 (after long phone conversation): Oh, I love that woman.
Woman #2: So no Aids?
Woman #1 (after pause): No, of course my cat doesn't have Aids, how could she have Aids?
Woman #2: No, of course she's just a stressed out cat!
--Mamouns
Let's Just Run Through Traffic and Hope for the Best
Subway announcement: Service changes will affect the "d" as in "Darby" line and "v" as in "victim" line.
Tourist mom to family: Honey, I don't think it's safe to take the subway, let's get out.
--Prince Street Subway Stop
...Since It's Already My "Status" on Facebook...
Student: Do you hate me, Mr Jones*?
Mr Jones*: I usually don't admit it, but in this case...
--Stuyvesant High School
Where Else Can He Order a Fuzzy Navel Without Fear Of Recrimination?
Gay man #1: Is he straight?
Gay man #2: Yeah. But he loves a good gay bar!
--Astoria Park
Oh "Bush" Puns, We'll Miss You Most Of All.
Guy: So I was talking to this hot girl the other day, but then she told me she liked Bush.
Girl: Oh...she's a lesbian?
Guy: No! Bush!
Girl: Oh, the band.
Guy: No, Bush! She's a Republican!
Girl: Wait. What?!
--Times Square
Overheard by: J.E.
Explaining Will Take More Time Than I Have Before Someone Hits Me, Sweetie
Young white daughter: Mommy, what's a black artist?
White mother, awkwardly: It's an artist who's...well, black.
Young daughter: Then how come you said you don't like them?
White mother, looking around nervously: I didn't say that, honey. I just said I don't like these paintings. The colors are too dark.
Young daughter, loudly: That's because he's black!
(mother hurriedly pulls daughter out of the room)
--The Whitney
Was Your Wedding Night As Magical As Mine?
Thug #1: So what did she say?
Thus #2: I don't know man, she was all like, "I smell that shit, I smell it!" and I was like "bitch, please, I just fucked you!"
--14th St Subway Station
Overheard by: now i'm curious
It's Always a Good Time to Freshen Up the Sex Toy Closet
Woman: Is that a ferret?
Teenage girl holding ferret: Yup.
Woman: Cool!
Teenage girl's father: You want it?
--5th Ave & 60th St
Headline by: daniellediamond
Runners-Up:
· ""We Got Gerbils Too And... Wait... You're Not a Cop, Are You?"" - The Drifter
· "I Have Enough Oversized Rats in My Apartment, Thanks" - pestilentia
· "It's Extra for the Girl - But She Does Tricks" - JohnnyB
· "Naw, That's Okay, My Possessions Already Smell Like Urine" - Rebecca Loeser
· "Steve Hasn't Perfected His Marriage Proposal Yet" - Al Bundy
· "Strangely, Also How He Got Rid Of Her Mother" - Samantha
· "We Have to Give It Away, My Daughter Is Having "Inappropriate Fun"" - Gimmy Stuv
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Write That Down.
Guy #1, studying for biology: Bread makes you shit.
Guy #2: Why?
Guy #1: Because it's bread.
Guy #2: Genius.
--NYU Palladium
Overheard by: Zacharia
Yeah Right, Mr. "All-You-Can- Eat Strip Club Buffet"
Guy: Guess how much I paid for that fucking hamburger?
Girl: How much?
Guy: 32 dollars! No hamburger is worth 32 dollars.
--NYU Dorm
I Went to Church Disguised As My Own Mother
Guy #1: Yo, check out my new hat.
Guy #2: Pffff...shit man, I had a new hat yesterday.
--Grand St & Bushwick, Brooklyn
Throw in Some Shuffleboard and It's Bordering on Mad Pimpin'
Bartender: Both of the bars have indoor Bocce courts.
Texan: That is bad ass!
--Stand, 12th b/w 5th & University
I Told the Real Estate Agent Blue Was My Signature Color
Student: It's gonna be Halloween, aren't you worried about the Bloods' initiation?
Teacher: Nah. I'm good, my neighborhood's Crips.
--Brooklyn Public School
Overheard by: trinity
Let's Pray That Doesn't Turn Into "Heil Hitler"
Large middle aged black man: Well hello there little lady, Barack Obama!
Small young white girl: Yeah!
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Meg
Why Are We Even Talking When We Could Be Texting?
NYU girl #1: That's super cas.
NYU girl #2: That's a super abrev.
--Lafayette Residence Hall
The 21st Century Equivalent Of "I Bite My Thumb at You, Sir"
13-year-old skateboarder to friends: Suck my dick!
Friend #1: I like you, you're my friend, and I'll invite you to my birthday party, but I won't suck your dick.
Friend #2: You provoke me with your boner.
--A Train
Overheard by: devon
We Can Be Each Others' Funhouse Mirrors
White ginger head: You're the only one who can get in touch with my feelings.
Black girl: Yeah, we're like sisters.
White ginger head: You break down my emotions.
Black girl: I think we're in love.
--137th & Convent
Overheard by: Lovers can be Friends
...Conspiring to Bring About Their Own Destruction
Crazy old black dude: I never heard of a white Taliban CIA.
Crazy young black dude: Yeah?
Crazy old black dude: Yeah. But now you know they out there.
--J Train
Overheard by: *c
Then You Can Guess Which One By the Stains on the Carpet!
Guy #1: You're going to class? This'll be great, I'll get to make lunch and then I'll masturbate!
Guy #2: Dude, I'm gonna be here till one.
Guy #1: Well...one, then.
--NYU Palladium
Overheard by: Zacharia
The Day Donald Duck Resolved to Be Taken Seriously
Undergrad #1: Yo, man, where are you running to?
Undergrad #2: Class!
Undergrad #1: Yo, why are you wearing pants?
--Fordham University
Overheard by: eternal student
In a World Without Wiki...
Middle aged drunk woman: Excuse me sir, do you know what nasal douching is?
Random 20-something guy: Uh, I think it's when you stick your nose up in there and blow it out or something.
--Grand Central
This Is Not the New York Of Gossip Girl
Girl, as subway doors open: It smells like ass.
Guy: It's New York City, were you expecting sunshine and rainbows?
--Uptown F Train
Why Doctors Treat Patients Like They're Idiots
Woman: Your doctors told us not to let you have any alcohol, because of your medication.
Elderly woman: Okay. I'll just have beer then.
--F Train
Overheard by: Mae
And Now This Greek Chorus Follows Me Everywhere, Prophesying Doom
Bro #1: Well, did you know she was your cousin before you had sex with her?
Bro #2 (obviously upset): No!
--Fordham University
Probably a Little Cause and Effect Going on There
Girl #1: I didn't know your grandmother had cancer.
Girl #2: Of course she had cancer! Why else would she have only one boob?
Girl #1: Is this the mean one or the fat one?
Girl #2: The mean one.
--Kimmel Center Elevator, NYU
Baloo Was So Wearing the Pants in That Relationship
Black-haired girl: Have you ever noticed how Disney characters hardly ever have mothers?
Blonde girl: Yeah, word! Nemo, Cinderella...
Black-haired girl: Jasmine, Belle, Mowgli from The Jungle Book...but then again he didn't have pants either, so I don't think he matters.
--New School, 13th & 2nd
Shows What You Know-- Mold Doesn't Grow in High-Traffic Areas
Girl to friend: Ew, it smells like mold in here!
Random queer: Well, maybe you should close your legs.
--1 Train
At Least Barbra Streisand Sends Hired Goons to Threaten Me
Gay guy #1: Madonna's a bitch. She never returns my calls.
Gay guy #2: Wow, what a bitch.
--Central Park
My Penis Is the Pipe Cleaner Of the Soul
Guy: All guys from Queens are douchebags...except for me. I mean, I do clean out vaginas, but not in a douchebag way.
Friend: In a fallacial way.
--NYU Palladium
Is This Political Science, Sir?
Physics teacher: So the formula for work is w = fd, or force times displacement.
Student #1: How are we supposed to remember that?
Student #2: "Fd"--"first dog"! Like Obama!
Student #3: W = fd, White House's first dog!
--Stuyvesant High School
It's Sad When Hobo Performance Art Is Better Than Broadway
Guy #1: Wow, [title of show] was awesome. I thought it was super inspirational.
Guy #2: Yeah, the girl-on-girl action was pretty sweet.
Guy #1: And they even had four chairs and a keyboard. How much better does it get?
--Times Square
Overheard by: WonderWoman
Cell Service Is Lousy in Heaven, but Great in Hell
Bimbette: Yeah, I never really heard from him since his funeral.
Friend: Did you say his funeral?
Bimbette: Yeah, it was sooo sad.
Friend: His funeral?
Bimbette: Sheesh, bitch, get a hearing aid!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Joel Moore
Before We Rejoin the Pod
Girl #1: How's this look? Does it make me look fat? Like super obese fat?
Girl #2: You are fat. So, uhhh...yeah, sorta.
Girl #1: Let's get some cupcakes.
--92nd & 3rd
Just Like in the Wii Simulation!
Young daughter: Daddy, daddy! What's that?
Father: Umm...that's just grass, sweetie.
Young daughter: It's pretty!
--Brooklyn Botanic Garden
I Might Have to Take Some Action If I Knew
Mother, after mayor Bloomberg goes by: Was that Rudy?
Daughter: Giuliani? You really don't know what Rudy Giuliani looks like?
Mother: No.
Daughter: This is almost as bad as the time you said you don't know what Darfur is.
Mother: I still don't.
--Columbus Day Parade
And Was That Before or After They Turned Into Swans?
Girl #1: My dad voted for Bush twice.
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: He's an old school Republican.
Girl #2: Wait, when did the Republicans turn into Democrats? After Roosevelt?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: bunny
College Girls Give Love a Bad Name
College girl #1: If I get shot, I love you.
College girl #2 (cheerily): Okay, I love you too!
--187th & Hoffman
All Of Me Except My Maverick Vagina
Drunk guy: You were mingling...and stuff!
Drunk girl: Nah, baby. I was mingling with you.
--11th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: HALLOWEEN
Instead Of a Sweatshop in Brooklyn!
Student #1: Yo, who cares about the surrender at Yorktown?
Student #2: Actually, that's mad important.
Student #1: Oh, really?
Teacher: Well, if the British hadn't surrendered we'd all (in a British accent) talk like this and sound ridiculous.
Student #1: Um, no, if that had happened I'd probably be in Pakistan, in my village, farming.
Student #2: You'd be dead because the British had control of Pakistan too.
Student #1: And you'd be working a factory in China!
--Stuyvesant High School
Except I'd Never Panhandle in a Neighborhood As Dead As Tribeca
Hobo: Listen, man, I'm homeless. Now, I'm not askin' for money or nothin', but...
Extremely well-dressed young man: Hey, me too!
Hobo: What?
Extremely well-dressed young man: Yep! Just moved here from Boston, couch surfing in Tribeca! I feel ya, buddy. God bless!
--42nd & 8th
Every Hollywood Producer's Courtship, in a Nutshell
Drunk thug: Hard or soft?
Tired woman at bus stop: Huh?
Drunk thug: How you gonna fuck me? Hard or soft?
Tired woman: (stares hard at him)
Drunk thug: Just wait til I buy you something.
--Myrtle Ave & Carlton
You're on Park Avenue, Motherfucker!
Guy walking St. Bernard: Watch where you swing that fucking cigarette!
Young hipster: Upscale yuppie!
Guy: You say that like it's a bad thing.
--18th & Park Ave
Overheard by: Class Warmonger
But They're the Hottest Accessory This Season!
Preppy gay guy #1: They are so nasty and full of diseases.
Preppy gay guy #2: What, the pigeons?
Preppy gay guy #1: No, the children.
--Central Park
Well, She's Not Really Sure After That Incident with the Donkey...
Ghetto girl #1: I went over there, and she's pregnant.
Ghetto girl #2, gasping: Pregnant with a *baby*?
--Q30 Bus
Overheard by: Cori
Headline by: missquirk
Runners-Up:
· "'Cuz If It's an Alien Again, I'm Skipping the Shower" - 1310 (formerly SNA)
· "Depends on Whether You Ask Pro-Lifers or Pro-Choicers" - Ryan
· "I Better Go Back and Check" - Mike
· "Judging by the Bleeding Statues and Pentagrams, No" - The Least Funny Demon
· "Never Take a Roofie at the Zoo" - Nick Pollotta
· "No, Just Shoplifting Again" - Skug Skellum
· "No.........She Just Likes to Pause a Lot" - clair
· "Rosemary's Friends Saw It Coming" - asdfghjkl;
· "She Was Drunk. The Dog *Looked* Like a Dude" - Jim
· "Someone's Seen Alien a Few Too Many Times..." - Kei
· "Well It's Either That or the Spawn Of Satan..." - J
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Revelations Is Silent on the Matter
Teacher: What's used to cover a beast?
Student: Underwear?
--Francis Lewis High School
Overheard by: Thank God I'm Not The Beast.
Have You Never Seen a Horror Movie?
Black 15-year-old kid: What you doing on Halloween?
White 15-year-old kid: Gettin' laid.
Black 15-year-old kid: What the fuck? Gettin' laid on Halloween? That's some bullshit. That's some bullshit!
--Gym Locker Room, Bayside, New York
Overheard by: tbomb
When He Urinated in His Pants, I Applauded and Asked for an Encore.
Young girl: I saw the funniest bum the other day. He was doing this little dance, it went like this. (mimics dance)
Friend (laughing): Yeah? Well, was he dressed up?
Young girl: Yeah, like a bum.
--50th & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Are Pelving Thrusting in Your Direction
Woman to friend: I woke up, and he was fucking my ear! Fucking my ear! Fuck. Ing. My. Ear!
--Walker & Canal
Overheard by: office peon
Girl on cell: So yeah, he just kinda turned to her, handed her some napkins and told her to prepare herself for a good fingering.
--New Jersey Transit
Girl in school hallway: Nasty little tenth graders having sex in the stairwells...
--Bard High School Early College
Guy to another: There's only three things people need in this world. Sex. Food. (pause) Yeah, okay, that's it.
--125th & Lexington
Student #1: (makes elaborate point with with ample hand gesticulation)
Student #2: Oh wow. You just made love to me with words.
--113th & Broadway
Crazy lady: Santa ain't comin' to Brooklyn! And I'll be drunk tomorrow, don't you ring my bell! (gets off train and leaves bag. 20-something guy gives it to her) Have we had sex before!? We should have sex! I like you! (doors start closing) We should really have sex!
--C Train
The United Colors Of Wednesday One-Liners
Yuppie to French friend: That's the first thing you learn in husband school. Unless you really like doing the laundry, the first time you do it turn everything pink. The second time, turn everything pink.
--Metro-North Line
Overheard by: 2,563 times later my dad still turns everything pink
Teen girl: I love the color brown an' shit.
--86th St & 4th Ave, Bay Ridge
Overheard by: Jon A.
Suit to another: Oh, Charlie, don't you know not to wear green on Thursdays?
--Flatiron Building
Stoned guy: Whoa, it's the roygbiv, like, having a threesome.
--Dream House, Tribeca
Brunette: I saw a mess of pink and black on the floor, and I knew it was Michelle.
--Jake's Dilemma Bar
Overheard by: TCS
Wednesday One-Liners Are Only Human, People!
Conductor: This is Beverly Road, the next stop will be Beverly Road. Stand clear of the doors.
--Q Train
Overheard by: Robert
Conductor: This is the last stop on this train, everyone needs to exit the train. (all passengers go out) My bad, this is not the last stop on this train, everyone get back on the train.
--6 Train
Conductor, as train approaches 42nd Street: This is 34th Street, transfer is available to the a and e trains, connection available to Amtrak, New Jersey Transit, and Long Island Railroad. Next stop, 34th Street, Penn Station.
--Uptown C Train
Overheard by: Dara
Conductor: This is Franklin Avenue, the next stop is...I don't know what the next stop is.
--4 Train
Conductor of crowded train: Please do not step onto the train, it is too crowded. There is another 1 train right behind us. Please wait for that one. (doors close) Ladies and gentlemen, there is no 1 train behind us.
--1 train
Wednesday Pleads Down to One-Liners
Thuggish Asian watching Cops in store window: Yo, the one without the shirt is always guilty.
--College Point
Teen girl on cell: I tried biting some people, I got arrested.
--R Train
Overheard by: Jon
Very loud and drunk crackhead to friend: I don't care who you are. Everybody goes to jail some time.
--Hoyt & Warren, Brooklyn
Pharmacist on phone: Oh my, is she okay? (pause) That's when you got arrested on the plane?
(pause) At Fort Dix!?
--Drugstore, 6th Ave
Overheard by: Transit161
Friend to another, yelling across street: Good luck with your rape case...I know it wasn't you!
--Centre & Grand
Overheard by: jzjmrdangerdowntown
Small boy, singing to himself: Goodbye, everybody say goodbye... To Chris Brown...'cuz he smacked a woman and he's going to jail.
--Barnard College
Wednesday One-Liners Star in Dude, Where's My Brother?
Black man handing out leaflets: Your feet are like chicken nuggets, and I want to eat them!
--10th & Broadway
Overheard by: Alex Bailey
Father to toddler: Well, what if I go crazy and bite your butt off?
--M&M World Store
Hispanic man to friends: Yo, man--I eat that pussy from *behind*!
--61st & 3rd
NYU guy: No, I don't condone cannibalism. Though I could see why you think I would.
--NYU Elevator
Overheard by: queenofscots
What's Eating Wednesday One-Liners?
NYU guy on cell: Hey dude, I just wanted you to know that I left my burrito in your fridge. Yeah, I'll come around next Tuesday to pick it up.
--South Street Seaport
Overheard by: Julium
Rotund old woman at lesbian hipster cafe: Give me a sesame bagel, pound it down till it's flat, then toast it till it has a nice rich brown coating. And please, a coffee with cream. Make it a nice tan color.
--Paradise Cafe, 8th & 17th
Overheard by: Sebastian White
Middle aged dad, yelling while crossing street with sons: I will learn to make Pad Thai!
--Union Square
Girl on phone: But seriously, you give me good food, and there's a pretty good chance I'll have a thing for you.
--Union Square Park
Overheard by: molly
Man: You know, when I was 25 all I thought about was spending the night at the Playboy mansion. And now I'm 35, and all I really want to do is eat barbecue.
--Hill Country BBQ
Overheard by: I'm just here for the ribs.
Let's Chip in and Get Wednesday One-Liners a GPS for Christmas
Confused American: I used to think Atlantic City was in Atlantic State.
--Downtown A Train
Overheard by: MBS
Drunk guy: I don't understand why people are giving Sarah Palin so much grief over that Russia thing. It really *is* pretty close to Alaska.
--W 66th St
Overheard by: Emily B.
Anti-McCain dude to another: Man, Sarah Palin is crazy. Yo, she's just crazy. Why did John McCain even pick her? She's not even an American citizen, she's Alaskan!
--The Bronx
Nervous white lady: Um, is the Broadway/Lafayette stop coming up soon?
--Uptown 1 Train
UPS guy to lost tourists: I'm not a GPS! I'm the UPS!
--Prince & Lafayette
Overheard by: dee
The Passion Of the Wednesday One-Liner
Art humanities professor: As you may have learned from the bible or emo music, Jesus was crucified.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Molly Moo
Suit to another: Wow, there used to be a forest on your head. You look like an Irish Jesus.
--Office Building, 8th Ave
Overheard by: sitting in my cube with my ears wide open
Chick in miniskirt and fishnets: Fuck, it's cold! Jesus forgot to pay his heating bill!
--St. Mark's Place & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Amber Star
Man to friend as they cross an intersection: Jesus Christ used to walk everywhere, so why can't we? You know whah-I'm-sayin'?
--Midtown
Overheard by: Ferna
Screaming fan girl, watching Robert Patterson sparkling shirtless in the sunlight: He's Jesus!
--14th St Regal Cinemas
Overheard by: laughing despite herself
Asian chick: Does he praise Jesus? Does he drink Scotch?
--Dallas BBQ, Chelsea
Overheard by: Shringle
Little Wednesday One-Liners, Big World
Woman to another: So he had this four foot midget, and he was wearing an Obama mask.
--50th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: jellybean
Stoned hipster: I'm short, right? So, like, I feel so close to the ground right now.
--3rd Ave & 11th
Waiter sticking head out of restaurant, to short bald guy: Hey! Are you a little bit of luck?
--35th & 10th
Guy selling comedy show tickets: Yeah! It's a comedy show! Yes, we've got drunken midgets and everything. No, you can talk to me, I'm not trying to sell you drugs!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Avigdor from Jericho
Frat guy to buddies: Is that the place with the midgets under the bar that take care of you while you drink?
--H&M, Broadway-SoHo
Wednesday One-Liners Want to Be a Part Of It
Suit: That's why I can't help but love New York. New York is like the sick uncle that touches you when no ones around.
--Grand Central Terminal
Girl, after passing a tourist bumping into her: In New York we say "excuse me!"
--Macy's, Herald Square
Overheard by: The City Planner
Guy to friend: Are we in the inner city or just the city?
--1st Ave & 6th St
Dude walking out of Penn station: You know what's great about going out in New York City? You can get completely bombed and it's no big deal, because you'll probably never see those people again, you know?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: BPV
Aussie: The key to this city is to use words like "shitter."
--96th & Columbus Ave
Wednesday One-Eyed-Trouser-Snake-Liners
Middle aged woman on cell: You will never see your penis again! No more penis! Is that punishment enough for you?
--82nd & Columbus Ave
Black man to friend: None of them jeans fit, cuz my cock is just too huge, nigga!
--Steve & Barrys, Mariners Harbor Staten Island
Overheard by: Samantha
Sister to brother leaning on her crossed leg: Excuse me, I feel like your pee-pee is resting on my foot.
--7 Train
Latina to friend: He did everything short of taking out his penis and smacking him with it!
--Jerome Ave, the Bronx
Chick: Man, I just feel like there are a lot of penises and penis information in my life lately.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Meister E.
Middle aged man on cell: But does she know about King Dong, the penis pump?
--Stuyvesant St, Manhattan
Wednesday One-Liners for Vanessa Hudgens
Girl on phone: Well then, riddle me this, smart guy: why'd I wake up naked?
--Smith & Sackett, Cobble Hill
Overheard by: Swimfan
Girl: Oh my god! I can't wait to see them naked!
--Elevator, Times Square Arts Center
Overheard by: Natalie
Museum worker: And then I woke up buck naked in a hotel, and there were pictures of me all over the room.
--Museum of Art and Design
Guy: No, I will not do it in here again. Just because I'm wearing nothing under my jacket, doesn't mean I'm going to flash a crowd of people in every store we enter. I've done it three times already. Get your rocks off some other way.
--Columbus Circle Mall Escalator
Overheard by: Martin
Drunk girl at NYU protest: I don't even know why I'm here, I just want to take off my clothes!
--NYU Kimmel Center
Overheard by: Lilo
Girl on train: Oh, hi! I didn't recognize you with your clothes on.
--A Train
Overheard by: Don't even wanna know
Girl on cell: So I'm gonna be naked, but that's okay, I'll be wearing rollerblades.
--N 4th & Bedford Ave
So Let's Go to the Supermarket and Kill Two Birds with One Stone
Little girl: Mom, can we go in the supermarket? I want honeycombs.
Mom: No.
Little girl: Mom!
Mom: Girl! You make wanna have a cigarette.
--Outside Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre
Overheard by: Glenn T
I Cheered When His Heart Stopped Going On
Guy #1: I hate to say it, but the guy's a really good actor.
Guy #2: Yeah.
Guy #1: I wonder why I said "I hate to say it," though.
Both: Titanic.
--72nd & Columbus
I Think That "Not a Park" Sign Is Supposed to Be Ironic, Mom.
Mother: Okay. The museum is either over there (points across the street) or over there (points back into the park).
Daughter: I don't think the museum is in the park, mom.
Mother: Who says that's the park?
--Central Park
Overheard by: J-Rabs
Like the Time I Tried to Smoke My TV
Stoned vendor: That's a real marijuana leaf in there.
Random curious guy: No way!
Stoned vendor: Way! I grew it myself!
Random curious guy: So I can smoke the plate and shit?
Stoned vendor: Yeah, but you'll set your face on fire and go into a coma.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Dwight K Shrute
My Deepest Condolences for the Death Of Your TiVo
British tourist to passing New Yorker: Excuse me, could you please tell me where...
New Yorker, walking briskly: Fuck off! I got problems of my own!
--E 77th & 2nd
Overheard by: D M A
...Depending Upon Whether or Not You Can Count Past "2"
Shop assistant: Would you like a $3 discount or $5 discount?
Aussie girl buying shoes: Well, that's a stupid question!
Shop assistant: No! That's not a stupid question!
--Shoe Store, 42nd St
Overheard by: ALINA
Greg's Been Acting So Macho Ever Since He Learned About Silent Consonants
Hip soul dude: You gonna push me, woman?
Hip soul chick: I'm not pushing you, baby.
Hip soul dude: That's right, you best not or I'll go off, remember--I'm the man who put "p" in "schizophrenic."
--Henry & Montgomery
Overheard by: Ziggy
Oops-- I'm Melting! I'm Meeeelllting!
Guido #1: I fucking hate New Jersey.
Guido #2: I won't even take a piss in New Jersey.
Guido #1: I won't even say "New Jersey"!
--Shea Stadium
Except Get Married, Obviously.
Gay manager: Ugh! They just keep on giving me more things to do.
Girl at counter: It's because you are gay!
Gay manager: Because I'm gay I get more responsibility.
Guy at counter: Blame the makeover shows. Make a few formerly hopeless fashion cases look good on tv and they think you can do anything.
--Retail Store, Union Square
Mom Scheduled an Emergency Wax Right Then and There
Little boy: It's a monkey!
Mom: It's bush.
--18th St & 5th Ave
I Knew It Was a Slippery Slope Once You Started Humping Dandelions
Student to another: Marcus, did I blow that tree?
Marcus: What?
--Pratt Institute
Where "Hurrying While a Northerner" Carries a Death Sentence, at Minimum.
Businessman behind group of tourists: These slow-moving tourists are fuckin' killing me.
Tourist: We'd better not catch your fast-moving New York ass in Beaumont, Texas!
--37th St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: DodgersWill
Your Editors Are Trying Valiantly to Imagine a Nonsexual "It"
Manly boyfriend, excitedly: And then he pulled it down, and it was a monkey face! A monkey face, a monkey face, every time a monkey face!
Girlfriend: Wow! Oh my god, wow!
--9th & University
Overheard by: Kristina Lustig
What About Hamburger Helper, Smart Guy?
Old man #1: You've seen that guy at the deli. You see behind the counter? The guy's only wearing one glove. Now you can't do all your work with one hand, can you? The lord gave you two for a reason.
Old man #2: Only one man can do magic with one glove. That's Michael Jackson.
Old man #1: And his magic done run out.
--M10 Bus
Overheard by: Alexandra
What Vision Quests Are Like in New Jersey
Jersey skank #1: And I had to go to this bar, Big Sleazy, all by myself!
Jersey skank #2: Big Sleazy all by yourself?
--55th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Syddles
And I've Always Thought It Was Important to Have a Strong Sense Of Where I'm Going in Life
Girl #1: Yeah, we're engaged. He got me the ring and all, but I'm like, "it's going to be like ten years until we actually get married."
Girl #2: Oh, true.
Girl #1: I need to drop pre-calculus. It's too hard and it's going to lower my GPS.
--Uptown E Train
Overheard by: Nicole Yan
Reader Poll: Are These Comparable?
Black teen exiting train: Yo, you got a nice ass for a cracka.
White girl, after he's gone: Ugh, I wonder what he would have said if I were like "you got a nice face, for a negro."
--F Train
Overheard by: i wonder too
I Like to Think Of My Romantic Life As a Catch-and-Release Program for Closeted Men
Girl #1: So I texted everyone and told them he was gay, but no one believed me.
Girl #2: Of course he's gay. You used to date him.
--M-15 Bus
Overheard by: peter
I'd Prefer to Be Watching Making the Band III
British husband, looking into living room: Isn't this wonderful? So calm and serene. Very relaxing, don't you think,dear?
British wife: Oh, I don't know. It isn't very, you know, puffy...
--Frank Lloyd Wright House, American Wing, Metropolitan Museum of Art
Overheard by: Paul N.
Now Let's Get Slurpies!
Childish woman, after burping: I have burpies!
Older, grossed out woman: You said it, not me!
Childish woman: What?
Older, grossed out woman: You just told everyone you have herpes!
Childish woman: I don't have herpes! I have burpies!
--Q Train
Overheard by: Audrey
And Let Him Trim Your Bush
Girl #1: He's just like Edward Scissorhands.
Girl #2: Yeah, he's like, just so awkward. But he's so cute you just want to give him a hug.
--NYU Student Center
...That Drive Pink Convertables and Have the Genitalia of a Eunuch!
20-something girl: I don't believe in foundation makeup.
50-something woman: Really?
20-something girl: I used to wear it a long time ago, when I was younger, but it makes you look so fake, like a doll...which is stupid because we're people!
--Madison Square Park
Headline by: Skipper
Runners-Up:
· "...And That's When I Dropped Out Of Clown School." - Danny the Mullins
· "Barbie's Infiltration Plan Is Working" - Natalie
· "Besides, The Tips at the Carnival Were Totally Not Cutting It" - Dave
· "Britney Tries Her Hand at Philosophy" - Fresca P.
· "Excerpts from the Human Tissue-Silicone Ratio Debate" - ty
· "I Also Refuse Parachutes; I Ain't No Bird!" - Jeff
· "Max Factor Is...People!" - Chris
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Quick-- Push Me Down and Take My Wallet!
Girl #1, getting off the Newark express bus: It's so good to be home.
Girl #2, after walking away from crowd: Stop pretending that you live here!
Girl #1: But it's fun!
--41st & Broadway
Overheard by: really does live here
Reader Poll: Which Part Of That Last Statement Was More Disturbing?
20-something guy: His beard makes him look like Chuck Norris.
20-something girl: Who?
Bartender: Chuck Norris. He was Walker, Texas Ranger.
20-something guy: You don't know who Chuck Norris is?
20-something girl: I feel like we always talk about Chuck Norris and I have no idea who he is.
--3rd St & Berry, Williamsburg
Overheard by:
Every Episode Of Will and Grace, in a Nutshell.
Gay boy, after being interrupted mid-sentence: I am in the middle of a conversation! When you do that, you look like a rude bitch.
Rude bitch: I am!
--Marymount Manhattan College Cafeteria
Overheard by: Devnel
New York's Customer Service Has a Distinctive Flavor
Customer: Do you have flypaper?
Store clerk: Yeah. On the counter.
Customer: Does it work on moths?
Store clerk: It should.
Customer: What if it doesn't?
Store clerk: Then move.
--Hardware Store
Kirstie Alley's Kids Were Kind Of Enablers
Tiny six-year-old son: Why do I look so fat?
Mom: (looks puzzled)
Tiny six-year-old son, pointing at his reflection in elevator doors: Look at me, I look fat!
Mom, smiling, relieved: Oh! No, it's just that reflection is distorted, sweetie.
Tiny six-year-old son: Is that why you looked so fat in those pictures?
Mom (after pause): ...yes.
--Elevator, Lexington Ave
This Is Why You Don't Rob Banks with Family
Girl to mother: You're being really obvious, mom, and I don't need obvious right now.
--W 242nd St
As Long As I Got Free Wine Out Of It
Gay guy: You know, this one culture worships this cut-out in the grass of this man with a giant penis.
Girl: I'd worship that.
--6th & Waverly
Overheard by: I worship it, too
We Germans Have Never Lied About Anything
Sales rep: I'm sorry, ma'am, we don't have that specific style here. You could try Saks.
Affluent German woman: The lady at Saks told me to look here! (sniffling) Why does everyone lie to me?
--Bergdorf Goodman, 5th Ave
Overheard by: Blacknoise
Time to Cut Down on the German Porno, Dude
Girl, after getting foot run over by bike: Ow!
Man with bike: Sorry. (to friend) Look at her eyes, she's got blowjob eyes.
--L Train
Overheard by: Will
Plus the Label Says "Goach"
Cracked out gay guy: Girl, I like your coach purse, is it real?
Snotty Upper West Side girl: Yes, it's real.
Cracked out gay guy: Don't lie to me. I'm a fag...I can tell.
--2 Train
Overheard by: cougar
Or I'll Hit the Ejector Button
Son: Mommy, why does god make these benches so uncomfortable?
Mommy: So you don't fall asleep. Now stop talking.
--Christ and St. Stephen's Church, W 69th St
Overheard by: falling asleep anyway
Off the Wagon Carefully Selected Its Two Mascots
Drunk guy #1: God, I've missed the sweet taste of beer.
Drunk guy #2: Wait, what were drinking earlier today?
Drunk guy #1: Beer.
--Off the Wagon, MacDougal St
It's the Meg Ryan Of Express Trains
Announcement: How does it look in the front, Al?
Random passenger, yelling: Like shit.
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: MD
Thinly-Veiled Racism Is Certainly the Way to My Heart
Guy to girl, seeing large group of black guys ahead: Uh...let's cross the street.
Girl: You're afraid!
Guy: No, it's just that if they wanted to give us trouble, I don't know if I could hold them off while you ran.
Girl: You're cute.
--123rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Playing it safe.
New Yorkers: "Stars?"
Random guy sitting at bar: I just wanted to let you know that your freckles are truly beautiful.
20-something girl: Uh...thanks.
Random guy sitting at bar: Ya, a girl without freckles is like a night without stars.
--Murray Hill Bar
As Long As Judges and Doctors Still Have Theirs
College guy: I read in an article that strippers in the city are losing work.
College girl: Oh, I didn't hear about that. I heard that bankers are losing their jobs. I didn't think strippers would ever lose their jobs.
--M4 Bus
If Fox News Writers Scripted a Teen Drama
15-year-old girl #1: Are you talking politics over there? Just shut up!
15-year-old girl #2: Yeah we are--it's all about Obama.
15-year-old girl #1: What is Obama doing for me?
15-year-old girl #2: What is Obama doing for you?! I'll tell you. He's out there, trying to fight for health care to cover all of us. That abortion you need--you shouldn't have to pay for it. That shit should be covered. None of this abstinence shit.
--A Train
Overheard by: Elana
If Only There Were a Way to Get Sober Enough to Figure It Out
Sleep-deprived art student #1: Sorry, I'm just...you know.
Sleep-deprived art student #2: Yeah, I know, me too. Do you ever just like wake up confused?
Sleep-deprived art student #1: Yeah!
Sleep-deprived art student #2: Just about like, what time even means?
Sleep-deprived art student #1: Yeah! I'm always like that.
Sleep-deprived art student #2: Me too...
--Pratt Institute