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April 2009 Archives
We Ivy Leaguers Can Afford to Kill Ourselves with Cocaine
Professor in stuffy room: Someone open a window.
Student: We're on the fifth floor; they don't open.
Professor: I don't understand why they don't unlock them. No one is going to kill themselves. We're not NYU.
--Columbia University
Why Wearing Headphones Is So Popular in This Town
Pretty young lady: Oh no, I hope that crazy guy doesn't try to hit on me.
Crazy guy to girl: Fuck you, pig! I hope you die, bitch!
Pretty lady's friend: I love this city.
--East Village
All the Webcam Viewers Laugh, Though.
Annoying comedy ticket seller: Want to see comedians?
Passer by: No.
Annoying comedy ticket seller: Why not? Everyone loves to laugh!
Passer by: Still no, leave me alone.
Annoying comedy ticket seller: Well, if you don't like laughing, what do you do with your spare time?
Passer by, fed up: Masturbate!
--42nd & 8th
I'm Not Just Her Attorney, I'm Also a Client
Suit to suit friend: That's so nice of her, to pick you up at one in the morning. You just asked her to come get you?
Suit friend: Yeah, I called her and I was like "hey, babe can you come get me? I got out of work late. Just wake the baby and bring him in the car." Twenty minutes later she was there. With divorce papers she had been working on.
Suit: Well, at least she picked you up, bro.
Suit friend: Very true.
--12th & 5th
Overheard by: Sarah
Does My Outfit Look Like I Got Dressed Sober?
Hobo to young woman holding coffee cup: How can you be happy? There's no vodka in that cup!
Young woman: How do you know?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Ashley
And Pro-Life
Lesbian #1: Oh my god, you so don't even have any Republican friends!
Lesbian #2: Yes I do...what about John?
Lesbian #1: He's not your friend. He just flirts with you on Gchat.
Lesbian #2: Oh my god, he so doesn't. He's had a girlfriend for three years. (pause) Plus, he's gay.
--East Village
178.
Young man: So I told her, "shut the hell up, you fucking bitch!"
Older woman: Jeez, how many times can you be in a homicidal rage over musical theater?
--A Train
Overheard by: Kelly
Like I Said, Three Kids
Woman: You think that's bad...I did blow off my boyfriend's rock-hard abs on my kitchen counter...and I'm married with three kids.
Friend: Did he do blow off your boobs?
Woman: No...it'd fall off!
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: Victoria
What? I Read Lips.
Drunk ass guy #1: (mumbles something drunk)
Drunk ass guy #2: What?
Drunk ass guy #1: (mumbles something drunk again)
Drunk ass guy #2: I can't hear you...I have a lazy eye!
--Gym Bar, Chelsea
He's Not Allowed Back at the Sperm Bank for the Same Reasons
Crazy dude: Hey, can I have a sample?
Barista: I'm sorry?
Crazy dude: A sample of your coffee.
Manager: Sir! I told you last week not to come in here anymore.
Crazy dude: Huh?
Manager: Don't you remember when you threw a cup of coffee, hot coffee, at one of my baristas?
Crazy dude: No.
--Starbucks
Overheard by: Flea
Headline by: drkipper
Runners-Up:
· "I Was Just Venti-ng" - fuvvcckkk
· "In His Defense, No One Else Thinks That It's Really Coffee Either" - Peter G.
· "Naomi Campbell's Lesser Known Brother Strikes Again" - Jakal
· "The Sequel to "Memento" Lacks the Narrative Drive Of the First" - Toby
· "You Should See What He Did at the Sex Shop Down the Street" - Charlie
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Sorry About Your Earthbound Wiener
Nonchalant nerd, passing by vendor's booth: I like your space titties.
Shocked sexy space-suited booth babe: Oh, thanks. I like them too.
--Jacob Javits Center, ComicCon
Overheard by: Rob
It's All About Chemistry, People
Professor: Once I was in the kitchen with a friend who was cooking, who had messed something up and I made a chemical suggestion to help her fix it. It worked. I ended up marrying her.
Whole class: Awwww!
Professor: We ended up getting divorced.
Professor: I am married again! (shows ring finger)
--NYU Building
That's the Last Time I Buy an Invisibility Cloak at Forever 21
Man, almost bumping into hobo: Oh, excuse me.
Hobo: What!? You can see me!?
Man: Yes.
Hobo: Fuck! My invisibility wore off!
--120th & Amsterdam
Anthony Michael Hall: "Can I Borrow Your Wednesday One-Liners for 10 Minutes?"
Professor: They make disposable everything these days. Disposable diapers, disposable razors. They even make edible underwear, don't they? (class is silent) Yes! They do! (pause) Maybe I'm telling you more about myself than I should be...
--Wagner College
Girl: Wait, my panties!
--Franklin St
Guy on phone: I told you to take your thong off!
--60th & Columbus
Man: I do not want to know your bra size! Ever!
--Hunter College
Overheard by: Christina M.
Guy on cell: He wore boxers and it was like, "okay, so you hang to the left..."
--W 46th St
Older gentleman to lady friend: If this keeps up, I'm going to have to start wearing underwear.
--14th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Kat
The Make-a-Wednesday-One-Liner Foundation
Lady on phone: Well, I wish I could get the fat removed from my back but we can't all get what we want, can we?
--Target
10-year-old child with mother and younger siblings: I wish I could get a diaper...
--K-Mart, Astor Place
Random smoking kid: I really wish I could smoke out of my ass.
--Lincoln Center
Girl crossing the street: I really wish something would hit me...I need some money.
--Times Square
Overheard by: 3 day tourist
Girl, after receiving gift: This is...this is so great! I'm so happy! Oh, man! I...I wish you had a little penis so I could give it a rub right now!
--Barnes & Noble, Park Slope
You've Got Some Set Of Wednesday One-Liners on You, Buddy!
Woman on cell: I'd love to watch football with you. I'll even hold the balls.
--92nd & Lexington
Boyfriend to guy sitting between him and his girlfriend: Hey man, can you slide over? I need some ball space over here.
--Uptown 4 Train
20-something chick: I aim for as many balls as possible.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Meister
Woman to male Target employee: Do you have balls? (brief awkward pause) Like playing ones...
--Target, Queens
Mother to kids: Okay, raise your hand if you don't have balls! (group of boys eagerly raise their hands)
--LIRR
Overheard by: Chadwick
Does a Wednesday One-Liner Shit in the Woods?
Puzzled guy on cell: What kind of girl calls you a "cuddly wuddly bear" and doesn't go out with you?
--The Village
Overheard by: Greene
Hobo: Hey there, folks! I'm Yogi Bear! Have you seen Ranger Rick?
--Gray's Papaya
Overheard by: Zach
Woman on cell: I'm glad the evil bear didn't kill you in your sleep!
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Drunk girl to sober companion: Oh my god, I saw this dog the other day. It was a bear!
--Tick-Tock Diner
Outraged girl on cell: She's anti-polar bear?
--NYU Campus
Overheard by: nina
Wednesday Has His Cake and Eats One-Liners, Too
Teen on cell: Man, it's really hard to be bi-curious around gay guys you don't like.
--L Train
Older gay man: Oh, it must be wonderful to be bisexual! I mean, bilingual.
--69th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ana
Girl to friend: My boyfriend is bi. I told him I didn't want him making out with other girls. Other boys are fine, because they don't kiss on the mouth as much.
--Europa Cafe, 53rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Sam
Large black man on cell: Yeah, you know, baby, this is the city. Eeeeverybody's bisexual!
--Battery Park
Overheard by: Modern Guilt
What's So Great Aboot Wednesday One-Liners, Eh?
Man on subway, about to exit: Obama, Islam, Canada. Obama, in Islam, and Canada. (exits train)
--Downtown D Train
Overheard by: katiekatydid
Thug to tourists: How do you say "thank you" in Canadian?
--34th & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Fluent in Canadian
Student: I'm so sick and tired of your Canadian condescension.
--Eugene Lang College
Crazy Brooklynite at a payphone: The Queen owns everything! She owns Europe, she owns Africa, and she owns Canada! The one thing she doesn't own is the US. So could somebody give me a US quarter for a Canadian quarter?
--Broadway & 8th St
Ditzy blonde to another: Do we look Canadian?
--Chelsea
Overheard by: Holls
The Rail World: Wednesday One-Liners
Conductor on loudspeaker: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a slight signal problem ahead of us. There are several supervisors working to flip a coin and decide how we should proceed. Once they work that out, we'll be on to 125th Street, and it should be smooth sailing from there.
--Uptown 6 Train
Overheard by: Melissa
Conductor: Do not shove! Stand clear of the doors! Ladies and gentlemen, there is another train directly behind this one. Look, people, we have to work together. If you get pick-pocketed, molested, or rubbed the wrong way, you only have yourselves to blame!
--6 Train
Overheard by: wondergirl
Conductor over intercom, after train stops: Stay calm, people. We are not going down. Repeat: this is not the Titanic, we are not going down!
--3 Train
Overheard by: C
Conductor: This train will now be running express so I suggest you get on this train... Hey you! Sitting on the bench! Get on this train now!
--R Train
Overheard by: kinda scared
Train conductor over loudspeaker: Good evening, Heather.
--Stamford-Bound Metro North Train
Overheard by: Dianachka
Conductor: Attention passengers, this is the almost always delayed 6:18 express train to Long Branch. If you were inconvenienced by the delay, shame on you, you should know New Jersey transit never operates on schedule.
--NJ Transit
Conductor: This is 7th Avenue, just three blocks from the 4th Avenue stop. You could have walked!
--F Train
Six Wednesday One-Liners Under
Girl on phone: Did he actually try to kill you, or is this like the time at the supermarket when you thought the cashier was coming onto you because he touched your hand giving you change?
--Time Square
HR person: I don't want to whack her until I have to. But I probably will.
--Broadway
Little boy to mom: Mommy, what does it feel like to die?
--7th & Carroll, Park Slope
Well-dressed man on cell: I know, we need to make sure that none of them live.
--8th St & Broadway
Seven-year-old girl to mom, after being scolded: I'm going to kill you.
--4 Train
Long Island woman: Well, sure, it's a great place if you want to be raped and murdered every day.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Cori
Even Oprah's Tried Wednesday One-Liners
Guy sitting at bar: I live in the ghetto. And there's a lot of crackheads. But I'm not attracted to them.
--Mojito Loco, Brooklyn
Crackhead to gay boy: Yo, gay boy! When a crackhead asks you a question you answer!
--110th St Station
Guy to friend: The only reason I quit cigarettes was because crack ended up being cheaper.
--NYU Bobst Library
Girl on cell: Well, it's a good thing you didn't buy that crack then. (pause) Oh.
--Columbia University College Walk
How Many Weight Watchers Points Are in a Wednesday One-Liner?
Young man: You're fat because you need to release. Look at me, that's why I'm slim and sexy. I beat off every day.
--Prospect Heights, Brooklyn
Salesgirl to salesgirl friend: I wanna thank you for taking the time to repeatedly hit me in my arm fat and make it jiggle.
--Henri Bendel
Overheard by: Stephan Dion
Professor to class of girls: You guys are all thin (looks around classroom and notices there are some fat girls) ...mostly.
--Fashion Institute of Technology
Suit to another: All I'm trying to say is, she's not tall enough for her weight.
--Uptown 6 Train
Overheard by: ednapontellier
Black girl: Fat people can do splits because they have no bones.
--Pizza Place, St. Mark's Place
Five-year-old to very overweight man while waiting for Thanksgiving Day parade: Are you one of the balloons?
--Broadway & 50th St
Overheard by: Peter
Is It Sick That I Wednesday on Their One-Liners?
Guy on phone: It's probably something beyond the bestiality in why you didn't get hired.
--4th & Lafayette
Overheard by: andy
Disembodied voice in crowd: Necrophilia, really?
--Times Square
Man: The thing is: my safety word is "No, harder, harder."
--NY Comic Con
Girl: No, seriously, my parents used to have like a harness and a leash for me, because I used to run away in the airport all the time.
--Fordham Law School
Girl to friend: Hot wax and genitals...either very good, or very, very bad.
--1st Ave & 11th St
Overheard by: Will
Guy: Great. She doesn't even know me and already she thinks I have a produce fetish.
--Whole Foods, Chelsea
Overheard by: Hunter (aka,
Wednesday One-Liners Burp the Worm
Teen girl: If you want to lose weight, watch a lot of porn. I'm serious, if you watch porn, you won't have to eat for hours. Oh, and masturbating burns a lot of calories, too.
--Brooklyn
Very upset drunk hobo, after conductor announces last stop: Your kickin' all these people out to wait for the next train, just so you can jerk off?
--Bowling Green Station
Street dancer: Everyone on earth was born as a result of an orgasm. Everyone masturbates. And if they say they don't, they're lying. Even the Pope masturbates!
--Union Square
Irish dude, throwing tea to the ground: It's not right, man! Asshole masturbated in my tea!
--Outside Starbucks
Teen thug: I wanna pleasure myself while writing an essay, what's the problem with that?
--Q Train
Overheard by: Robert G.
Or Do I Know You from Right Girl's Island?
Asian lady in geisha costume, passing out fliers: Lunch specials, grand opening, fresh sushi!
Black dude: Excuse me, but me and my friend had a bet...are you dressed like girls from the movie Memoirs of Engagement?
--53rd & Lexington
Overheard by: An
I Forget-- Is Positive Good or Bad?
Cute girl #1: You opened her mail?!
Cute girl #2: No... Jesse opened it. He thought it was one of those stupid dentist card things they send in the mail.
Cute girl #1: At least you'll have a conversation starter next time you talk to her.
Cute girl #2: Oh, yeah. What am I suppose to say? "So, your pap/cervix test was positive?"?
--Bay Ridge
And Why Are You Wearing That Silly Human Suit?
Suit to man with cat on his head: Why is there a cat on your head?
Man with cat on his head: Why isn't there a cat on your head, douchebag?
--Union Square
I Will Now Proceed to Hum, "It's a Small World After All"
Post office girl to customer ringing bell: Holding the bell down ain't gonna make them come any faster.
Customer: I know, but at least it will annoy the fuck out of you.
--180th St. Post Office
American or Australian?
Breakfast cart guy: Do you have change for a $5?
Customer: No, sorry.
Breakfast cart guy, to hobo under blanket: Do you have singles for a $5?
Hobo: Me? Why are you asking me... (stops to think) Wait...as a matter of fact, I do!
--3rd Ave & 9th St
Overheard by: Hunter
Possibly a Rudeceratops
Little kid, after passenger belches: Mommy, is that man a new dinosaur species? He sounds like it.
Mom: No, he's just rude.
(subway doors open and the passenger departs)
Little kid, yelling from the door: New species! New species!
--R Line
...Whether They Wanted Them or Not
Guy: You used to give everybody handjobs.
Girl: I was the master. I didn't know I was that good until I was giving them to everybody.
--Burp Castle, 7th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: I didn't get one
Translation: Nobody's Texting Me
Jappy girl #1: Oh god! I just got a text from Jason. I want to write back something very biting and sarcastic. What about "shouldn't you be with your girlfriend right now?"
Jappy girl #2: (silent)
Jappy girl #1: Too much?
Jappy girl #2: I don't care.
--7th St & Ave A
Overheard by: gregor
Guess That Explains the Cloven Hoofs
White girl to boyfriend: I want to go to my father's country one day...I want to go where my father was born...Hades.
Boyfriend: Where?
White girl: Hades, I wanna go to Hades where my father was born...you know, that little island in the Dominican Republic?
--PATH
My LCD Screen Is More Of an "Entertainment Experience"
20-something girl: So yeah, I'm finally going to the gym today.
20-something guy: I stopped going to the gym years ago. I have a Wii fit.
20-something girl: Cool. How's that working for you?
20-something guy (as if it were obvious): Oh, I don't have a tv.
--21st & Broadway
Overheard by: Alex
Men: *Shudder*
Girl to no one in particular: I want to have sexual intercourse with you.
Friend: Sexual intercourse sounds like they want to put their balls inside your vagina too.
--172 St & Jerome
Overheard by: Emm
Nobody Trusts a Chubby Hobo
Guy from restaurant to hobo: Hey, do you want something to drink?
Hobo: Sure, what do you have?
Guy from restaurant: Pepsi, Coke, Sprite...
Hobo: Anything diet?
--75th & Broadway
Overheard by: uneditedtales
Alan Barely Recognized His Fairy Godmother Anymore
Hipster #1: You got cancerous tumor in my benign cyst!
Hipster #2: No, you got benign cyst in my cancerous tumor.
Hobo: Y'all both need to get y'asses to a fuckin' doctor!
Hipster #2: Do I know you?
--Downtown 4 Train
Overheard by: Michael B. Isberg
Just Keep the Veil Down and Hope for the Best
Harried-looking maid of honor: You make the most beautiful blushing bride!
Bridezilla: I'm not blushing! I have rosacea!
--Ladies Room, Tavern On The Green
Overheard by: Really was blushing...
...From My Research with Gerbils.
NYU professor with thick french accent: What's that drug called?
Student: Viagra.
NYU professor with thick french accent: Yeah, Viagra. Studies suggest that it stimulates organs in both males and females. Trust me, I know it works on both.
--Washington Square South & LaGuardia Place
Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie Was Better in My Imagination
Tween: I just didn't think it would be so...gooey.
Tween friends, in unison: Ew!
--Barnes & Noble, Bayside
Overheard by: bookseller
Like, What Are His Political Leanings?
Charity volunteer: Would you like to sponsor this child?
Grumpy man: I got three kids at home, and besides, I never even met this bastard!
--Broadway at City Hall
Overheard by: Darrin
Obama Could Be the Name Of Our Llama
Woman to kid holding a "free hugs" sign: Hey! Where's my hug?
(kid hugs woman)
Drunk chick: There's so much fucking love, we should just buy a llama and it'll be like our llama, you know?
--W 4th St
And Welcome Back, Adam.
Professor, talking about Genesis: We covered the reason for loincloths last class.
Student #1: Wait, why was that again?
Professor: (silence)
Student #2: Adam had an erection.
Professor: Exactly. Thank you for cutting though the bullshit.
--Eugene Lang College
Overheard by: Colleen
But I Didn't Even Get to the Part About Cones and Sex!
Drunk girl #1: I would eat a hot dog on a cone. I would eat mashed potatoes on a cone. And it would be delicious, because of the cone.
Drunk girl #2: They should put you away.
--110th & Broadway
Also Bernie Madoff's Prison Gang Name
AIG employee: Hey, did you see they took down the AIG building sign?
Friend: Why, because people were throwing eggs at it?
AIG employee: No, they are considering a rebrand of the name. AIU: American International Underwriters.
Friend: They should rename it "IOU."
--Metro-North Train
I Don't Know, You Keep Changing Your Fucking Story
Small giggly daughter: Daddy, do lions drink soda?
Father: Yes.
Small giggly daughter: Daddy, lions don't drink soda!
Father: No, they don't. Soda's bad for you...don't you know that, sweetie?
--D Train
Overheard by: Caitlin
Headline by: Emily Leonard
Runners-Up:
· "Children Get Confused When Their Daddies Are Always Lion" - Matt Wozniski
· "Fanta Bad...Antelope Good" - Edmond "The Lurch" Kida
· "Here, Hold on to Daddy's Cigarettes Like a Good Little Girl" - Katoe
· "Mastering Her Psychic Powers, Little Susie Soon Ruled the World" - Nick Pollotta
· "Nick Pollotta's Got This Rigged" - psh
· "There Goes the Narnia Product Placement Deal" - Baby
· "This Would Be Funny If He Didn't Have Alzheimer's" - Muse on the Loose
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Remember That Oath Your Kindergarten Class Took at Bloomingdale's
Precocious little girl: Mom, that lady is grooming the dog groomer!
Pretentious mom: That makes sense. Do you see how some of the dog show women dress themselves? Would you want to be caught dead in some of their clothes and makeup?
Precocious little girl: No.
--Westminster Dog Show Grooming Area
Overheard by: Wouldn't Be Caught Dead Either
But Aunt Beth Has the Best Jugs
Frat boy #1: Dude! Your sister is hot!
Frat boy #2: I know, dude...so is my mom.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Bone Cermark
Mission Accomplished
Guy #1: Yesterday I made some Valentines for my coworkers, and I made up little poems to go in them, to make them extra personal.
Guy #2: Like what?
Guy #1: "Roses are red, violets are blue, your cat chewed on my dick for a little bit, but I didn't know how to tell you."
Guy #2: Did you get any Valentines back?
Guy #1: No.
--6 Train
Overheard by: Emily Kidd
God Can't Bake for Shit
Little girl in stroller to mother: Who made my heart, who made it, huh?
Mom: I made your heart, and god did.
Little girl: Can I eat it ?
Mom: No.
Little girl: Why not?
Mom: It doesn't taste good.
Little girl: Yes it does! It tastes like cake.
--B Train
In Queens, If I Get My Way
Four-year-old boy: Dad, if I die, when will I come back?
Father: As far as I know, you won't.
Four-year-old boy, untroubled, thoughtful: But...what if everyone dies?
Father: Well, other people will take their place. Because everyone doesn't die at once. Know what I mean?
Four-year-old boy: Where will we put mom if she dies?
Mother, just arriving: Good grief!
Father: In the ground. In a box in the ground.
--Barnes & Noble
How the Citibank Takeover Actually Works: Explained
Hobo to four pretty girls: Hi ladies, how're you doing today?
Girls: Good, thanks, how are you?
Hobo: Just so you know, when I win my 171 million, I'm taking you all on vacation!
--114th & Broadway
Overheard by: Samantha
From the Outtakes Of Judy Garland's Scenes with the Tin Man
Man, painted completely silver, to lesbian: I'll cook you dinner if you let me eat you for breakfast.
--Uptown 6 Train
Overheard by: Adrienne
Ad: Kosher Toilet Paper-- We Answer to a Lower Power
Lawyer: And what do you sell?
Jury candidate: I used to sell diamonds. Now, in the depression...I sell toilet paper to religious people.
--Centre Street
If Ever a "Stimulus Package" Joke Were Called For...
Guy: You're not wearing any pants. We should have taken a cab.
Girl: We are in a recession, you can fondle me at home.
--50th St
Overheard by: Chris S
There Must Be a Cum-Smelling Person Following Me Around
Preppy girl #1: Is it just me, or does it smell like cum?
Preppy girl #2: Yeah, I guess...
Preppy girl #1: Good, I've been smelling it all day.
--N Train
God, I Miss Middle School.
Tween girl #1: Yeah, I was naked.
Tween guy: Why wasn't I there?
Tween girl #2: We were all taking showers together.
Tween girl #1: Yeah, I was drunk.
Tween girl #2: On champagne.
Tween girl #1: Yeah, I was raped.
Tween girl #2: Oh right, that was a fun night.
--Europa Cafe, Penn Station
Why Does This Sound Like an LSAT Logic Question?
Teen girl: They's your friends...
Teen boy: Is they my friends, or my friends' friends, or just some niggas I know? Get your terminology right.
--Chinese Restaurant, Brooklyn
Where She Can Buy a Paper Gown in One Of the Designer Boutiques
Guy #1: So did you take her to the hospital?
Guy #2: Nah, man, I took her to Brooklyn.
--Borough Hall
Overheard by: DRC
My Publicist Will Issue a Statement Later in the Ride
Bad lady, starting her speech: Ladies and gentlemen...
Conductor over speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, there is no begging allowed on New York City subways. I repeat, there is no begging allowed on New York City subways.
Bag lady, looking nervous: I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, the conductor of the train and I do not get along.
--2 Train
Overheard by: Adam
We'd Be Out Of Business Otherwise
Girl leaving class: And then we took the contraceptive and put it on our face.
Friend: Boy, this conversation would be awkward out of context.
--NY Law, Worth & Church
Overheard by: Louie Q
You're on a Roll Today, Amber.
Teen girl to friend: We should, like, totally go out after this.
Friend: But we're not slutty enough to go to a bar.
Teen girl: Ooh! How about a sushi restaurant?
--LIRR
Overheard by: slut for sushi
And He Loved My Hugh-Grant-With-Parkinson's Impression
Bartender to drunken gay Brit: I'm sorry, sir, I can't serve you anymore. You've been chasing guys around the bar.
Drunken gay Brit: What? No, I haven't! It was just the one!
--Bar, Chelsea
Overheard by: No one's chasing ME.
From The Weakest Link: Classroom Version
Professor: So if we were to write a speech on the American Civil War, what could some topics be?
Student: The different countries involved?
--Pace University
Ever Seen a Big Rawhide Chew?
Asian chick: I was looking for dog toys.
White chick: And how'd you get from that to vibrators?
--Dallas BBQ, Chelsea
Overheard by: Saaaandwich?
The Name "Pinkberry" Encourages Such Speculation
Girl #1: I always wondered what it would feel like to be a penis inside a vagina.
Girl #2: Me too!
--Columbia University
I'm Gonna Marry That Girl Someday
Four-year-old-boy: And there was a girl. And she had rainbow hair, and rainbow clothes, and a tattoo that was a rainbow, and rainbow socks.
Mother: What about her?
Four-year-old-boy: She picked her nose!
--PATH Train
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
In His Little Electric Highchair
20-something: He said he murdered someone.
Friend: He's so cute!
20-something: I know!
--N Train
Which Is Four Million Times More Awesome
Pillow fighting girl to pillow fighting guy: Oh my gosh! Is that blood on your pillow?
Pillow fighting guy: No, I think I just hit a clown.
--NYC Pillow Fight 2009, Wall Street
Overheard by: Glory
Which Also Would Be a Pretty Awesome Band Name
Girlfriend: Spanish art is so weird.
Boyfriend: Yeah.
Girlfriend: Those were some macabre motherfuckers.
Boyfriend: Yeah.
--Metropolitan Museum of Art
I Can Fix That; You'll Always Be Mean
Girl: You know, I used to think that Princess Diana was related to John F. Kennedy.
Guy: You're dumb.
--Barnes & Noble, Forest Hills, Queens
Overheard by: Rebecca
These Days, Don't You Lose All Your Street Cred for Saying, "Oh, Snap"?
Preteen thug to friend: Yo, nigga! What's crackin'?
Passing suit: Your voice.
Thug's friend: Oh, snap!
--Fulton St. & John St.
Overheard by: Annie B
Alex Trebek Is Oddly Irritating in His Downtime
Crazy hobo to man trying to ignore him: Did you know that Chinese has over 50,000 dialects?
Uninterested man: Wow, that's a lot...
Crazy hobo: And there are 18 provinces in Canada, not 4!
Uninterested man: You don't say...
(very long pause)
Crazy hobo: So, what kind of medication are you on?
--Starbucks, Times Square
Overheard by: Pete
She Was Like, "One Ringworm to Rule Them All"
Whole Foods employee #1: They called me and said some lady was in Whole Body licking all the the nail polishes.
Whole Foods employee #2: Licking the nail polishes? Shit. Well, there was this one time they said a woman was walking around with one shoe off, so I went to check, and she had some infection or some shit, and one foot was like...Hobbit-sized.
Whole Foods employee #1: Wow! So she had a Frodo-foot?
Whole Foods employee #2: Yeah, a Frodo-foot. That's when you just start banning people.
--1 Train
Overheard by: percivalundercover
Ooh, Awkward for Somebody, Huh?
Doctor #1: Who's taking care of [name of patient]?
Doctor #2: Not me, why?
Doctor #1: Nothing really, just that he's dead.
--Hospital, Manhattan
Overheard by: Lorenzo
Nice to Meet You, by the Way.
Girl #1: I want to go home with that guy. Do you have a razor?
Girl #2: No, sorry, why?
Girl #1: My coochie looks like a dead raccoon.
--Fat Baby Club, Lower East Side
It's a Law!
Indian hipster on cell: Yeah, man, no worries. I want to see you guys. I'll definitely finagle my way uptown somehow.
Crazy hobo, jumping alongside hipster: Yeah! You gotta finagle! How else would you get there? Finagle, man, you gotta finagle!
--Bowery & Broome
I Wondered Why You Broke Your Tampon in Half and Gave Me the Applicator
NYU girl #1: I have to stop sharing.
NYU girl #2: Why?
NYU girl #1: I was about to take my birth control and offer you one.
--NYU Dorm
Overheard by:
In the Presence Of These Girls, Boys Turn Gay in Self-Defense
Tall girl: My little sister started stinkin' already, an' she only in third grade. I ain't start stinkin' till the fifth grade. When you start stinkin'?
Short girl: I ain't never stink.
Tall girl, snorting: Sure. (pauses and thinks) Why does everyone say girls stink between our legs? I know I don'. I'm fresh.
Short girl: You know that girl, she opens up her legs in class and you can smell at that shit.
Tall girl, shrugging: I don't go around sniffin pussy.
--Q43 Bus
Overheard by: beeniebooger
And/or Your Hand in Marriage?
Cute 20-something Asian girl: I have a butt plug in right now.
Slightly older male college student: Can I have your number?
--34th & Broadway
And Then Ejaculated the Second He Put It On?
Hipster girl: So afterwards he was like, "Hold up. Can I just stop in quickly and buy a vibrating cock ring?"
Hipster friend: He did that to me too!
--7th & Greenwich
Overheard by: sounds like a good time
And I Have the T-Shirt to Prove It!
Teenage lesbian: Yes you are, you're the weirdest person I ever met. You think I'm going to invite other people over when we already have plans, and you masturbate even when you get no sexual enjoyment out of it!
Teenage lesbian friend: I am not a fapper!
--W 59th St & Columbus Ave
Overheard by: that must be terrible
Which Is Exactly What Playboy Said in Their Rejection Letter
Boyfriend: Well, what cup size are you?
Girlfriend: I'm like an A and a half and a B and a half...it sucks.
Boyfriend: So...that's a full AB plus one.
Girlfriend: You know you can't combine unlike terms!
--32nd St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Kimberly
Now Where Will I Go to Get Drunk on Spring Break?
Guy: So she told me she was from New Mexico.
Blonde bimbo: New Mexico...what happened to the old Mexico?
--42nd St Shuttle
Overheard by: Chris
Who Needs Performance Art When You Have Hobos?
Hobo sitting on bench: Hey man, wanna buy some soap?
Yuppie: Nah... (walks away)
Hobo: Ma'am, would you care for some shoes?
JAP: Hell, naw. (walks away)
Hobo: Hey fella, want to buy some peanut butter?
Old Asian guy, happily: Yes, please!
Hobo: I'm sorry, brother, I don't have any on me. I just wanted to do some product research for a project I'm doing. (pulls out a roll of toilet paper and a sharpie, rips out one square of toilet paper, and writes "peanut butter")
--23rd St
That's What You Said About Denim.
Girl #1: Where is Jose, anyway?
Girl #2: Boyfriended.
Girl #1: Is that like an island or something?
Girl #2: No, it's a state of being.
--Manhattan Ave & India St
Tap It Lightly?
Vendor: Can I ask you a question?
Girl: No.
Vendor: Can I grab your ass?
Girl: No.
--Time Square
We Love This Kid
Mother to young son: If daddy asks you why mommy's upset with him, you say it's because he doesn't take care of her.
Young son: I ain't saying nothing.
--B Train
I Know a Great Place Around Here That Does Deliveries
Teenage girl #1: Oh my god, could you imagine having a baby, like, you know...inside of you?
Teenage girl #2: Oh my god, no! Eeeww!
Teenage girl #1: I know, right? But I would do it.
Teenage girl #2: You would? You wouldn't mind them cutting into you?
Teenage girl #1: They do that?
Teenage girl #2: Yeah, you get cut open. It's called a Sicilian.
--Uptown 6 Train
Overheard by: Brandon
It Was Just Time for That Calf to Be Born
Tall guy,holding his elbow: My arm was this far inside her.
Fat guy: Wow, that's a new record.
--Mott Ave, Far Rockaway
Correction: It Was in the 80's
Coked-out hipster girlfriend, loudly: And that's why I could never wake up for Pilates.
Hipster boyfriend: Julia. Turn the voice down. People are looking.
Coked-out hipster girlfriend: Well, I can't help the way my voice projects. I used to be an actress.
Hipster boyfriend: No, you didn't.
Coked-out hipster girlfriend: Well, I'm a model.
Hipster boyfriend: No, you're not.
Coked-out hipster girlfriend: I'm kind of a drug dealer.
Hipster boyfriend: Yeah. Which is so gay.
--Williamsburg Bridge
Nobody's More Bitter Than Ex-Gymnasts
Young girl: How old are you?
22 year-old girl: I'm 22.
Young girl: And you're pregnant!
22 year-old girl: No I'm not.
Young girl: Why do you have a big belly then?
22 year-old girl: Well you know, when you're my age, hormonal and stuff, you'll get fat. People will think you're pregnant when you're not, and you'll cry. So you'll eat tons of salads to make the belly disappear but it won't work and you'll be sad. That's all life's about. Don't grow up.
--A Train
Overheard by: Violette
Or Worse-- A Republican
Child, reading: Be...kind...to...furry...
Mom: A-ni-mals.
Child: Why?
Mom: You have to be kind to all animals, so people don't think you're crazy and a psychopath.
--Q Train
...But We Were Told There'd Be No Math in This Class
Professor: Wisdom goes: if you are looking to get married, and you can either choose a nine who is broke or a seven with a lot of money, you choose the...?
Students, without missing a beat: Seven!
--Hunter College
Michelle Was Also Amazed With the Ewok/Koala Exhibit
Fat preppy girl: Oh my god! Is that a rhinoceros? I didn't know they still existed!
Friend: Yeah, that's one right there.
Fat preppy girl: But I thought dinosaurs were extinct?
--Bronx Zoo
Headline by: JohnAustin
Runners-Up:
· "Apparently, You've Never Watched "The View"" - PeterG
· "No, Just My Faith in Our Education System" - Jeff
· "She Thinks That About Salads Too" - Tom
· "That Would Explain Why the Hippo Looked So Real!" - Pat
· "This Is a Creationist Zoo" - Coyoty
· "Why Didn't You TELL Me We're in a Museum?" - Emily Leonard
· "You're Confusing It With the Do-Ya-Think-He-Saurus" - Skug Skellum
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
In the Sense That She Stole My Wallet and Ran Off
Preteen boy #1: My new girlfriend told me to meet her there after school.
Preteen boy #2: Why don't you just call her and tell her you'll be late?
Preteen boy #1: I don't have her number.
Preteen boy #2: How is she your girlfriend if you don't even have her phone number?
Preteen boy #1: Cause I kissed her on the lips and she liked it!
--L Train
I Believe "Munchkinland" Is After "Mozambique" on the Shelf
Female customer: Do you guys have the Wizard of Oz?
Salesperson: Uh, I think that would be in "foreign."
--NoHo Blockbuster
Why Do I Feel Like I Need a Cigarette Now?
Man: You know...fuck that shit.
Woman: Chuck! I've never heard you use that word before.
Man: Oh, yeah? Fuck fuckin' fuckity fuck fuck!
Woman: Wow.
Man: Fuckin' motherfucker two-ball bitch! Let's get the fuck outta here.
--Starbucks, Astor Place
Overheard by: Joanna Lin
Wednesday One-Liners Really Bug Me
Geek speedwalking through rush-hour crowd with hands over head: Parasites, parasites, parasites!
--34th St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: it is what it is
African-American lady: The secret life of... What? Who's "bees"?
--Loews Kips Bay
Overheard by: Robert Gleyberman
Woman: I'm a fruit fly. That's like a fag hag, only prettier.
--3rd & St. Mark's
Female suit on cell: We're dealing with racist ladybugs here.
--44th & Lexington
Overheard by: LP421
Yo Momma So Wednesday, She One-Liners!
Woman on cell: Oh, and by the way, I called my mother to thank her. (pause) No, I said, "Mom, I'm calling on behalf of me and the girls to thank you very much." (longer pause) Well, she can just go fuck herself then.
--90th & Amsterdam Ave
Man on cell: You know a guy really likes a girl when he takes her home to meet his mom...and you know what, Sheila? You ain't never gonna meet my mom.
--South Slope, Brooklyn
Overheard by: smfd
Female college student to friend: We really need to cougarize your mom.
--111th & Broadway
Overheard by: Oh really
Guy: So, hey, my mom didn't die today.
--W 26th & 8th
Overheard by: Katie_AK
Girl sneaking into open conductor's room in front of the train: Next stop, your mother's asshole! Stand clear of the closing cheeks!
--6 Train
Overheard by: Adriana
Handbag seller on street corner: Yo! Tell yo mama I got her bag right here!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Taryn
Girl on cell: Yeah, I'm bussin' it for now, my mom's on this thing that I have to show her responsibility... I know, it's like I get up in the morning, I haven't gotten arrested in a while, and I have a job, what more do you want from me?
--Seguine Ave & Waterbury, Staten Island
No Wednesday One-Liner Left Behind
Rangers fan, about two players who are brothers: No, they're like the same age. They've gotta be like four or five months apart.
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: helenathegreat
Blonde to blonde friend, looking outside from Legally Blonde theater: Oh, wow, it's still light out.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Jaime and Bridget
Girl to friend: I don't even know how long ago one minute ago was.
--New Year's Eve, Times Square
Overheard by: Kristina
Girl, pointing to turkey walking around: Look at the peacock, it's so pretty!
--Central Park
Lady on cell: I told her she was an ungrateful b-i-c-t-h!
--14D Bus
Overheard by: Evan Wilson
Wednesday One-Liners Hope It's Just Like Riding a Bicycle
Douche on cell: I haven't had sex in 48 days and I feel like it's getting smaller. What should I do?
--48th & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Jnaz
Really old man complaining to his wife: You'd rather watch CNN than have sex with me!
--The Water Club, 30th & FDR
Overheard by: Trying to have a romantic dinner date
Pretty girl on cell: Yeah, I got this really bad toothache...my gums are sore too. (pause)
What do you mean what have I been putting in my mouth? (laughs) Well, nothing exciting, that's for sure! Maybe that's the problem. My mouth's probably going on strike cause it hasn't been getting any action.
--F Train
Overheard by: I wouldnt have minded putting something of mine in her mouth!
Girl on phone: I mean, if I don't fuck him, who will? His bitch-ass girlfriend certainly won't. (pause) No, not even; she only got those piercings so she could put a fucking lock in it.
--L Train
Random guy outside bedroom window: Just because I won't sleep with you doesn't mean I don't love you!
--Union Street, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Casey
Wednesday One-Liners, Now With Delicious Credit Crunch!
Hobo, yelling to crowd: The stimulus plan won't work! The banks have no money! We need to stimulate the banks! You know how? Cocaine and hookers!
--53rd st & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Andrew
Professor: I knew the economy was bad when I saw Saks had layaway. Layaway is for Wal-Mart, not Saks!
--NYU Law
Guy on phone with mother: No, mom! I'm not going to walk on Wall St today. (pause) Because I don't feel like getting hit by a falling body, that's why.
--Broadway & John St
Asian metrosexual to friend entering clothing store: No, I wanna stimulate the economy!
--SoHo
Overheard by: Galatea
Cute young professional: I better be able to go into a bar and say, "I have a job, and it's recession proof. Wanna see what my bed and a Magnum condom look like?"
--72nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Lindsay D.
Guy on cell: I'm telling you, when a place like that switches from Charmin to Duane Reade toilet paper, you know the economy is in the shitter.
--Great Jones & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Suffer the Heartache of Gringo Hips
Four-year-old girl to nanny: No, princesses don't get tickled. They just dance and get married.
--North Williamsburg
Overheard by: anti-feminist
White girl in hoodie: If I see any of the other girls there want to dance with you they'd better watch out, 'cause it's stab-a-slut Sunday.
--J Train
Short guy with greasy hair: Yo, this girl was like, "wanna dance?" and I was like "okay," so she started dancing mad good. She was grinding up against me with her ass.
--3rd Ave & 71st, Brooklyn
Gay guy on cell in long line during Circuit City closeout: Does it have speakers? Because I like to dance in my room, and I like to feel the music. It's really cold, so I like to dance in my room, you know?
--Circuit City, Union Square
Drunk girl to Guido she knocked heads with while dancing: I'm a drinker, not a dancer!
--Hook & Ladder Pub, Murray Hill
Overheard by: also a drinker
Professor: I'm of the personal opinion that anything counts for art. Take, for example, Nelly's "Hot in Here." We have an admonition of certain weather conditions and an entreaty for certain members of a demographic to react within a certain way, and a compliant voice replies, "I am getting so hot, I'm gonna take my clothes off." This piece of art demonstrates how much easier life would be if getting a woman naked was that easy. And also, it makes me dance, and as we know, hips don't lie.
--NYU Bobst Library
Overheard by: queenofscots
Wednesday One-Liners Bring Their B Game
Sketchy guy to hot girl: Hey, baby girl, I like takin' long walks through the projects, sittin' on a park bench eatin' French fries... (she walks away) Hey baby, come back!
--Christopher & 7th
Guy to girl walking down the street: Hey you...I wanna get on your bus.
--125th b/w Park & Lexington
Overheard by: Reilly
Big dude to hot girl: Hey girl, come talk to me for a minute. (she stays still) C'mon girl, chubby thugs need love too.
--Franklin Ave & Eastern Parkway, Brooklyn
Black thug to white girls: I'm Barack Obama's cousin, wanna go on a date? (they pass) That's gonna be my new pickup line, yo.
--33rd St & 6th Ave
Guy, as a curvy woman struts past him: Shake what yo momma gave you...not what yo momma paid for!
--Shuttle Train
Overheard by: Meredith
Seton Hall jock, leering at female in next seat: Wow, this ticket has more holes in it than I've ever seen before!
--NJ Transit
Drunk guy to girl on subway platform, after Yankees game: I'm a classy guy! I will take you to the fucking Radisson!
--Yankee Stadium Subway Platform
Omg, Like W.O.L.s, Lolcatz!
Girl to another, loudly: Oh my god! Where the fuck were you this morning? I was about to text you, but I realized you couldn't text. And I couldn't text either! And you wouldn't pick up your phone! And I needed to talk to you! But I couldn't reach you! So I just like fucking sat there and screamed for ten minutes!
--B9 Bus
20-something male to friend: I am so MIA right now. I am MIA. Like, I text you, but I am MIA. Like, so many people send texts to me, and I'm just MIA.
--Downtown 6 Train
Overheard by: dallas
Girl leaving movie: Well, I'm sure she'll send out a mass text the second she has her baby.
--AMC Theater 19th & Broadway
Overheard by: Julie
20-something to another: Tiffany, I know I left Jason at the altar...but why didn't he text me back?
--1849 Bar, MacDougal & Bleecker
Laughing hobo to another: That is the funniest joke I've ever heard! You have to text that to me!
--St. Mark's Church, 2nd Ave & 9th St
Overheard by: cody
The Homogenization of Wednesday One-Liners
Gay guy to friend on phone: Oh my god, she's not answering her phone? She's having sex. If she's not answering her phone, then she is definitely having sex. Hang up now, because she's having sex.
--Union Square
Overheard by: 1-900-Leave-A-Message
Flamboyant gay on cell: And oh. My. God. Let me just tell you about the cock. The fucking cock. It was eight inches of fucking perfection. I swear to god! It was beautiful. And I was always thinking like, "He's so perfect, there has to be something wrong with him. He must curve to the left or something." But no. I want to take pictures of it.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Julia
Hot gay guy: I went shopping, got a 90-minute massage and then started drinking. It's been, like, the best day ever.
--Barrage, 47th & 9th Ave
Overheard by: Fred Daubert
Flaming gay handler: I was going to wear my gold ankle booties, but I was afraid they'd clash with my Beagle's fur!
--Westminster Dog Show, Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Amber
20-something gay office worker: He's buying me a wok! I think it's for real! (pause) I'll chicken-fry his rice.
--19th & Broadway
Overheard by: spf
Gay to faghag: So, you ready to go? We can talk about vagina at Lincoln center. (pauses, takes in her reaction) No? Too off-topic?
--Subway Restaurant, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: onelinerwonder
Genius Is 1% Inspiration and 99% Wednesday One-Liners
Suit on cell: You're stupid enough to swallow a condom but you're smart enough to know you can sue someone.
--69th & York
Overheard by: Eugene
Attractive tall Asian chick with purple hair on cell: There's no way I would be compatible with someone so much smarter than me.
--Joralemon & Columbia, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Awesome Mother Fucker
Effeminate young man to lady friend: I think you're street smart when nobody tells you you're street smart.
--C train
Father to son: You are so smart. You are going to be the leader of a cult someday.
--Thompson & Spring
Wednesday One-Liners Aren't the Brightest Pencils in the Shed
Guy, refusing to hold on to train pole: I'm trying to see how stupid I can really be.
--7 Train
Overheard by: jj
Train conductor: Next stop, 42nd. If you want to transfer to the e, I think it's running on the r, so get off next stop and walk to the r line. Don't be an idiot and wait for a train that ain't coming. Get off at 42nd and go to the r line.
--A Train
Overheard by: Amy
Chubby girl, passionately arguing on cell: I really believe Fabio is so not stupid. (pause) Seriously! He just has trouble...um...communicating.
--Outside Educational Housing Services, Clark & Henry
Overheard by: Blue Steel
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we have an idiot on board. He knows who he is.
--N Train
Wednesday One-Liners Are So Not Hot for Teacher
Teacher: Some of the answer choices people picked were really out there. I probably could've put peanut butter and jelly, and people would think, "Oh, damn, I'm hungry, I should pick that."
--Stuyvesant High School
Overheard by: Student
Teacher: Guys, no matter what happens, if you're absent on a test day you must bring in a note! I don't care if you're walking to school and suddenly the ground opens up and you're sucked into candyland--I need a note!
--LaGuardia High School
Overheard by: a note of chocolate?
Acoustics teacher: This only emphasizes how little I know about acoustics. Or rather, how little is known about acoustics.
--Cooper Union, Astor Place
Overheard by: a student is only as good as his t eacher
Teacher to little boy: You ain't gonna die just cause your leg got sprinkled on!
--L Train
Overheard by: Misshellee
Principal: I can see what you're doing...with this bouncing and the little hand on your hip...you're trying to undermine my authority with your bad posture, I can see exactly what you think of my administration.
--Bard High School Early College
There Go My Friday Night Plans
Genetics and evolution teacher: So as you can see, something like, say, a mermaid, couldn't possibly exist.
Student: God fucking dammit!
--The Beacon School
And the Women Are Just Indiana Jonesin' for Him
20-something guy #1: Every guy wishes Harrison Ford was his father at least one time during his life.
20-something guy #2: Oh, absolutely!
--Starbucks, 17th & 6th Ave
Watching Organic and Inorganic Chemists Dance-Fight Like the Sharks and the Jets
Professor, rolling up a blackboard to reveal a second blackboard that is covered in general chemistry: Oh god! Oh god...get it off! Ew!
(class laughs)
Professor: No, not the ideal gas law! We don't need that, we're organic chemists! There is no such thing as gas! No such thing as gas!
Student #1: Organic chemists are very sensitive.
Student #2: This is kind of tragic.
--Organic Chem Class, Barnard
Overheard by: Vicksburg
And Lots Cheaper Than Tennis Lessons
Six-year-old girl, with mace in hand: Look, mommy! A mace! Now I can hit unicorns and make them bleed. Death to unicorns!
Mom: That's great, honey.
--8th Ave & Carroll St
Ad: Have Some MSG, Not an STD!
Girl #1: Oh my god! That condom wrapper says "oriental flavor." What does that even mean?
Girl #2, looking at litter: I think that's a Ramon noodle seasoning pouch.
--Central Park
She'd Have So Much in Common with Them
Bro #1: Dude, I don't know, every day this week she's been upset. Crying about something, then apologizing...
Bro #2: Solid. You guys should make kids.
--4 Train
I'm Pretty Sure That Was Its Dead Mother's Hand
Lady who lunches #1: Did you see that sad picture of the little African baby on the cover of the Times today?
Lady who lunches #2: I know, it is terrible, but didn't you love the hat it was wearing?
--Crosstown Bus M79
Overheard by: TimNH
Because All the Maids Spoke Spanish?
Woman with nasal voice: I just really need to get out of here, I'd prefer to go someplace warm and interesting. But I don't know where it's warm and interesting.
Yuppie man: My boss--well, I guess I should say "my partner," cause I made partner...but it sounds so (sexual voice) homosexual to say "my partner randy"...anyway, he just came back from Argentina and he loved it.
Woman with nasal voice: Oh! I just went to Argentina, actually. And then to Uruguay. We went to this little town, it was pretty much the Hamptons of South America.
--Barnes & Nobles, E 86th St
Says the Guy in Crocs?
Old man: Give the woman your seat.
Young man: I'm not giving nothin' to no one in a North Face jacket!
--6 Train
Overheard by: DrNels
Why It's Important Not to Teach Teenagers Biology
14-year-old girl: I'm gonna kick her ass so hard her lip will be on his placenta.
Teenager group of friends, shouting: Yeah, kill that bitch.
--Times Square
And I Was Lovin' It
Relaxed professor, talking about his past: When I was younger my friends and I would go to McDonald's for the fries, and Burger King for the burgers.
20-something student: My grandmother told me she did the same thing!
Relaxed professor: Yeah, we dated.
--Columbia University
Also Why People Originally Started Wearing Crocs
Mom to nine-year-old son: Do you want anything?
Kid, looking at variety of candy: Mmmmmm, let me see, something no one will like, so I don't get bullied for it at school.
--Deli, Hicks St & Kane, Brooklyn
Conductor: "I Prefer to Think Of It As Whimsical"
(conductor closes subway doors on relatively empty train, preventing a throng of people from boarding)
3-year-old girl: Mommy, why did he do that?
Mother: Because he's mean!
--1 Train
Overheard by: M
Also How Girl Scouts Are Taught to Do Their Sales in New York
Woman #1: Do you want sugar cookies, or chocolate chip cookies?
Woman #2 (about 5 feet away, studying nutrition facts): Hmm?
Woman #1: Would you prefer fucking sugar cookies or chocolate fucking chip?
Woman #2 (coming over): What are you talking about?
Woman #1 (yelling): Which fucking cookie do you want?
Woman #2: Hm, you choose. (walks away)
--The Food Emporium, 48th St
Isn't That the L Train?
Conductor, over PA: We are having signal problems, so the e train is running every ten minutes, and very packed.
Hobo, yelling: Packed full of lesbians!
--E Train
Overheard by: Andrew
I'm on My Way to a Cover Girl Audition
Random guy to boy wearing fishnets and boxers: Yo man! I like your pants!
Boy: Thanks! They're really breezy!
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Scarface
People Come to New York to Be Bad
Mother to yelling six-year-old son: Alright, that's it. You are not getting a gold star today.
Six-year-old son: I know, I've been bad all day!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: me too!
At Some Point I Became a Pay Site
Teen girl #1: So, how are things with Dan?
Teen girl #2: Pretty good. We video chatted for like an hour and a half last night.
Teen girl #1: That's awesome!
Teen girl #2: Yeah, I know. I wasn't wearing clothes but like I can't remember the last time I wore a shirt in a video chat.
Teen girl #1: Umm...
--KIKU, Park Slope
See the Hairs?
Man: Oh no, someone didn't pick up after their dog.
Woman: That's a scrunchie.
--88th & Broadway
You're Probably Thinking Of Lox
Law student #1: How about we send her a fruit basket?
Law student #2: She's not Jewish.
Law student #3: You don't have to be Jewish to appreciate good fruit.
--Cardozo School of Law
Overheard by: Law Student
How the Rest Of the World Feels About Americans, Encapsulated.
Loud ghetto subway conductor: This train is going local. Local! Local!
(happy Latino couple bursts out laughing)
Latino man: Haha...loco! Loco!
--F Train
Overheard by: LH
Hey You Kids, Leave That Mannequin Alone
Girl: He's so awkward. He's a wallflower that stands in the middle of the room.
Guy: Yeah, he's awkward.
--109th & Central Park West
Headline by: Ron D.
Runners-Up:
· "Al Gore Gets Few Invitations" - Coyoty
· "Everyone Wishes Carrot Top Would Retire" - Emily Leonard
· "How It All Began: Hitler at His First Bar Mitzvah" - Nick Pollotta
· "She Realized Shortly Thereafter She Was Talking to a Parrot" - amp
· "That Is Just Jacob Dylan" - Bigwb
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
He's All, "Mommy! Mommy!"
Girl #1: You know that guy who always follows me around?
Girl #2: Yeah!
Girl #3: I wish I knew his name.
--Uptown 6 Train
Overheard by: Could it be Mulva?
So I'm Still Putting It on My Resume
Preppy guy: But it doesn't mean anything!
Preppy friend: I don't care. I'm still fergiliscious.
--W 75th St
We Could Even Go Out on a Crazy Limb and Serve Snacks!
Male yuppie #1: Let's open a bar with home-crafted beer--microbrews!
Male yuppie #2: That would be awesome, man! No one's ever done that before!
Male yuppie #1: I know!
--Blind Tiger, West Village
Overheard by: Are you sure?
Candice Is the Store's Dirty-Old-Man Monitor
Random old dude #1: You shoulda seen how this girl was lookin at me.
Random old dude #2: Oh, yeah?
Random old dude #1: Yeah... I swear, she was standing in the literature section. Hell, the only thing she knows about Dickens is the first four letters of his last name, as in "She needs some dick!"
Enthusiastic shop girl: Hi, are you doing okay here?
Random old dude #1, embarrassed: Uhhh...sorry.
--St. Mark's Bookstore, Stuyvesant St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: manishm
Have You Been Talking to Mommy's Divorce Lawyer Again?
Five-year-old boy, smiling: Daddy, guess what.
Father: What?
Five-year-old boy: I do not love you. (giggles uncontrollably)
--Penn Station, NJ Transit
Overheard by: Jenn
Dr. Ruth Was a Challenge to Raise
Little girl, peeking under shower curtain: Hi!
Lady in shower: Hi!
Little girl, pulling back shower curtain: Hiiii! Wow! Mom! Come here! You need to see this!
--Dodge YMCA Locker Room, Brooklyn
...When People Have Written Phone Numbers on Them.
Girl #1: Don't ask me, I'm computer e-literate.
Girl #2: E-literate?
Girl #1: Isn't that a word?
Girl #2: It's "illiterate."
Girl #1: Well, I can still read palms.
--City College of New York
Since I Gave Him My Number and Squeezed His Package
Elderly female employee, out on smoke break: So I met this gentleman at the coffee shop the other day.
More elderly woman: How do you know he was a gentleman?
Elderly female employee: I don't, but I sure hope he's not.
--CVS Pharmacy
Do I Have to Pass a Test?
Three-year-old: Dad, it's raining!
Dad: You're three years old. You don't even know what rain is.
--1st Ave & 4th St
Also Gives Handjobs With His Pinky Extended
Gay man to boyfriend crossing street: Hurry up!
Boyfriend: I am running elegantly!
Passerby to friend: Look at that guy! He takes such long strides! He runs like a gazelle!
--24th & 5th
Overheard by: amused
I Spent a Semester Abroad There
Suit: Have you ever been to Ali Baba's?
Brunette: Ew, why would I go there?
Suit: I don't know, I heard the food is good...
Brunette: Oh! Ali Baba the restaurant? I thought you meant Ali Baba the country.
--34th St
Smell It!!!!
Boy, holding fistful of brown substance to mom's face: Smell it!
Mom: No.
Boy: Smell it!
Mom: No.
Boy: Smell it!
Mom: No.
--W 12th & 8th Ave
Overheard by: NYC Maven
You'd Probably Have to Put Out, for Something Like That
Professor: You should go to Trump Towers and pretend to be a prospective buyer, and tour the rooms.
Student: Will they pay for my lunch?
Professor: No.
Student: How bout a scone?
Professor: We're in a recession.
--NYU Silver Center
Overheard by: Alexandra Bailey
Let's Just Say I Was Impressed with All Of His Noodles That Evening
Girl #1: He made the most amazing spaghetti bolognese.
Girl #2: Really?
Girl #1: Yeah, I was so impressed, I slept with him.
--Campbell Apartment
Ladies and Gentlemen: Our Future.
High school thug girl #1: Yo, I want to get something pierced.
High school thug girl #2: That'd be so cool, yo. But what'd you get?
High school thug girl #1: When I have a daughter I'm gonna name her "bitch".
High school thug girl #2 (after quiet contemplation): Bitch...yeah...that'd be cool.
High school thug girl #1: I guess I'd get my nose pierced.
--Q Train
How Darwin Got Everyone to Accept His Theory
Father to teenage daughter: Oh, well...the party was in Queens.
Daughter: Fuck Queens!
Father, quickly checking calendar on cell phone: Not on Gay Pride Day, honey.
Daughter: Haha! Hang on, I'm going to write that down. I'll use it in a story for my creative writing class!
Father: Oh, don't write it down...it's not even funny. And always remember...if you want your story to be funny, just put in a monkey. It always works for me!
Daughter: Didn't you novel get bad reviews, though? They said it wasn't funny at all.
Father: Well, obviously, I should have written in several more monkeys.
--Tompkins Square Park
Now They Grow Up to Be Flying Rats
Older woman: Mice grow up to be rats. I have mice.
Older guy: No, they don't!
Older woman: Yes they do, mice grow up to be rats.
Older guy: No, they don't! They're different species. They're cousins.
Older woman: No, they aren't!
Older guy: Yes, they are--they're cousins, like rabbits and squirrels.
Older woman: No--mice grow up to be rats!
Older guy: No, they don't! There are even different species of rats. German rats,
Norwegian rats...
Older woman: Okay, let's change the subject--I hate rats.
Older guy: Do you know pigeons have strokes?
Older woman: What?
Older guy: Pigeons have strokes. They don't last long, but they do.
Older woman: Uh...okay.
Older guy: Pigeons learn to fly when they're five weeks old.
--A Train
For Me, Anyway
Hipster #1: And so then she said, "I'm not even turned on, I just think you're retarded..."
Hipster #2: Oh, dude. Did you guys still have sex?
Hipster #1: Yeah, it was okay.
--Broadway & Houston
Overheard by: Rachel
...For Your Mr. Peanut Costume.
Bag lady with a cane: Excuse me, ladies and gentleman! I don't mean to bother you but...
Crazy hobo, interrupting: Then don't! I hate people who say "sorry to bother you." Just stop bothering me!
Bag lady with a cane: Fuck you!
Crazy hobo: You ain't even really crippled! I sold you that cane!
--1 Train
Overheard by: Sara Swank
'Til After I Met Your Math Teacher
20-something daughter: Mom, how did you know that dad was the one?
Mom: He was the only one I didn't cheat on.
--LIRR, Penn Station
Freud: Hmmmm...
Female suit at sink to friend in stall: Oh, yeah! I saw a stainless steel toilet seat cover today, and it made me think of you!
Woman in stall, delighted: Oh, yay!
(both laugh fondly)
--Women's Restroom, Financial District
Overheard by: nowhere near the corrections department..
You're Just Lucky I Can't Afford Eggs
Professor: Not only will I take off points, but I will go and TP your house.
Student: It's a really long drive...
Professor: It's worth it to me.
--NYU
Overheard by: Spazz
Granted, Sometimes It's Like Drinking from the Fire Hose
NYU guy #1: You know it's impossible to swallow a whole teaspoon of cinnamon?
NYU guy #2: Wait, why not?
NYU guy #1: Because it accumulates into clumps and dries up your mouth.
NYU guy #2: Oh, cinnamon! I thought you said "semen." I was going to be like "Yes you can!"
--3rd Ave & 11th St
Won't the Scales Hurt?
Girl #1: Well, there's sushi!
Girl #2: But then we'd like...poop fish.
--Broadway & 8th St
Then Who'll Be the Catcher?
British guy: But whenever I give a pitch I cry like a little girl!
Girl: That's why you have to practice with someone who is better than you at pitching!
--New York Film Academy, Union Square
Padma: "I Found the Tongue Bland and Uninspiring"
Girl: We're across the street from Padma Lakshmi's favorite pizza place. Too bad I've never seen her in it. Because I would probably accidentally kiss her or something.
Guy: With tongue.
Girl: Duh!
--18th & Lex
As It Clearly States in Joss Whedon's Version Of the Bible
Professor: Does anyone know where the term "Passover" comes from?
Student: It's because the Jews put blood on their doors so Jesus would pass over their house and not kill the first-born son.
--Classroom, Fordham University
Overheard by: dundun
Since the Lion at the Zoo Apparently Wasn't Hungry
Little boy, looking up at animatronic T-Rex: Look! I want to sit on its head!
Mother: I want to feed you to it!
--Toys R Us, Times Square
Overheard by: Lea
Eh, I'm Just in It for the Sodomy
Gay guy #1: We should get tickets to a musical in April.
Gay guy #2: I don't like musicals.
Gay guy #1: What?
Gay guy #2: I don't like plays.
Gay guy #1: Gay.
--Barnard College
I'm Pretty Sure It's Called The G Spot
Girl #1: Man, if I'm going to go to that party tonight, I gotta shave my hair.
Girl #2: Yeah, me too. Where is the best price around here?
Girl #3: There's one on Lexington by my place, and a guy does it, and he's so hot I just want him to accidentally shove his dick up me.
Girl #2: Then we'll go to that place!
--6 Train
Overheard by: Andrew
I Told You Not to Get Waxed in the Shape Of a Strip
NYU girl #1: So when you were in Israel did you hook up with any hot Israeli guys?
NYU girl #2: Yeah, he was this really hot army officer. But he was so aggressive...I think he though I was Gaza or something.
--Washington Square Park
Jeez, Look at Him Vomit Into That Potted Palm
Disgruntled woman #1: It's not that he kissed my cousin...
Disgruntled woman #2: Right.
Disgruntled woman #1: And it's not that he can't feel emotions...
Disgruntled woman #2: Most guys can't!
Disgruntled woman #1: It's that he drinks Bacardi-151!
Disgruntled woman #2: I'm sayin'!
--The Courtyard Marriot, Times Square
Sven Is Learning English in Fits and Starts
Professor, musing: I wonder what I'm going to do this weekend...
Student in lecture: Party!
Professor: Barbecue?
Student: No, party!
Professor: I think I'm a bit old for that.
Student: Party!
--NYU
Overheard by: Spazz
And Giggle About Him Over Baby Carrots at Lunch
Suit #1: Man, I hope management doesn't hose up the bonuses with all this AIG shuck-and-jive goin on.
Suit #2: Well, I tell you. The CFO ain't too worried.
Suit #1: And you know this...how?
Suit #2: Well, the CFO was evidently at Tribeca the other night, promising our admin secretary that he'd show her a real stimulus package.
Suit #1: That dude ain't got squat; all the office females who have it goin on know that. They call him "Get Shorty."
--Pelham
Think Ellen Pompeo's Skin. Think Physics Lectures.
Brunette bimbo: Oh my god, this line is so long I don't know if I can hold it.
Blonde bimbo: Just think dry thoughts. Think chicken.
--Line for Ladies' Room, Movie theater, Union Square
This Is the Bathroom Line, Ma'am
Middle-aged man: The hell makes you think I'm following you?
MILF with baby: Oh, I dunno. Maybe because every time I turn around, you're standing there with that stupid, constipated look on your face!
--JFK
Overheard by: Sketch
$5 a Handjob Just Doesn't Stretch As Far As It Used to
Nigerian pharmacy assistant: Okay, is $50.00.
Overweight middle aged man: For that?! That tiny cream!? Forget it.
Nigerian pharmacy assistant: You don't want?
Overweight middle aged man: Nah, no thanks. I'll go with the rash.
--CVS Pharmacy
Overheard by: Jonathan Ferrantelli
The Exact Point at Which I Shit Myself
Girl #1: When I got the shit beat out of me last year it broke my septum and I had to get surgery on my nose.
Girl #2: You did not get the shit beat out of you! A homeless woman punched you in the face!
--NYU
We Know Our Own Kind.
Skinny hipster to friend: All I'm saying is, if he can fuck a skinny chick why fuck a fat chick?
Random passerby: Shit, that guy ain't gotten pussy in months.
--East Village
To Be Fair, Nobody's Stock Is Any Good Right Now
Girl: How's your sister?
Doucherocket maximus: She just had a miscarriage, which was good because we didn't want her to breed with him.
--A Train
Overheard by: Sabrina
Now I Feel All Ooky in My Chamber Of Secrets
Tween girl with huge wall of hair: I look like Hagrid.
Older sister: You look like the lovechild of Hagrid and Hermione. (pause) Actually, Hagrid is too big for that to happen.
Tween girl: You mean his body size? His butt?
Older sister: (laughing)
Tween girl: Ew! (pause) On a Sunday?
--Central Park
You Vary Depending Upon the Light, Like Sarah Jessica Parker
Guy: Hey, you look pretty...
Girl: Fuck off!
Guy: Don't interrupt...pretty ugly.
--C Train
Isn't That, Like, Spanish or Something?
College student #1: Yeah, it was in Brooklyn. I had to take, like, the L. I've never even heard of that!
College student #2: The L? Wow!
--NYU
I Hear Africa's Beautiful.
Guy from Illinois: Where are you from?
Girl: Rome.
Guy from Illinois: Oh, I've always wanted to visit St. Petersburg!
--Queensboro Plaza
Dueling Morons Can Be More Entertaining Than Television
Pizza guy #1, after reading Snapple cap: Okay: what's a bird that can swim but can't fly? Seven letters.
Pizza guy #2: Hmmm...a duck?
Pizza guy #1: What? No, seven letters. And a duck isn't even a bird, a duck is a duck!
--Pizza Parlor, Upper West Side
Overheard by: EthanK
Um, Because I've Done It for You?
Girl #1: Come on, smell it!
Girl #2: Why would I put my nose close to the poop in your hair?
--14th & Ave A
Guess What Peewee's Word Of the Day Is?
Ditzy white girl standing in line: Ugh. It's, like, so much effort to get fresh produce.
Ditzy friend #1: I agree! Should we abort?
Ditzy friend #2: Yes! Abort!
Ditzy friend #1: Abort!
Ditzy friend #3: Abort!
--Union Square Greenmarket
Overheard by: office peon
I Mean, We All Feel That Way About the State Of the Economy
Young businesslady: I mean, I'm used to it. I go in the bathroom, and they're all in there sticking they finger down their throats, all the fuckin time!
Young businessman: Yeah...
--57th St
Overheard by: Lagster
Antarctica Doesn't Look a Day Over a Billion
Girl #1, holding bottle of water: Do you think this water is bad?
Girl #2: How long have you had it for?
Girl #1: I don't know, I found it in my freezer.
Girl #2: No, it's probably good, freezing things keep them fresh.
--9th St & Ave A
Headline by: Nick Pollotta
Runners-Up:
· ".... According to the Jeffrey Dahmer Cookbook" - the amoeba
· "As I Learned at Grave-Digging Camp" - Muse on the Loose
· "But Just to Be Safe, I Would Boil It" - Max Million
· "Every Night I Put My Pussy on Ice" - DickintheHandisWorthTwoBushes
· "Just Ask Walt Disney's Head" - PeterG
· "Just Look What It Does for Nipples!" - Nick Pollotta
· "Water, Sperm, Human Hearts..." - loves fresh sperm, personally
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
That Jerk Never Returns My Calls
Girl #1: This whole Ben situation is really starting to piss me off.
Girl #2: I know! I just don't know what his deal is.
Girl #1: He called me like twelve times yesterday.
Girl #2 (stopping in the middle of Penn Station): He called you? (pauses for a moment) Oh, you mean Ben your boyfriend, don't you?
Girl #1: As opposed to?
Girl #2: Ben from Lost.
Girl #1: Don't talk to me for an hour, please.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: thought it was lost too
Wait! I Meant 21 Pounds Metric!
Teacher, holding up bag with four apples: Okay kids, how much does this weigh?
Really enthusiastic child: Twenty one pounds!
Teacher: Umm...okay. You think 21 pounds. Right. Anyone else?
--Lincoln Center
Like, I Wish It Could Autograph My Butt!
Tourist #1, pointing to the Met: It looks just like the Louv-rey in Paris.
Tourist #2: Oh my god, that is like the best museum.
--91st & 5th
One Wednesday One-Liner to Live
Woman, pushing baby in stroller through flock of pigeons and hearing him laugh hysterically: Yeah, yeah, sometimes it's the little things in life.
--76th St
Overheard by: jaytro
Guerrilla Top of the Rock marketer: Carpet munching can get you far in life.
--Rockefeller Center
Twelve-year-old girl at Tila Tequila's book signing: This is the greatest day of my life.
--Barnes & Noble, Tribeca
Overheard by: Helene and Kristina
Short fat white woman to tall older man: Well, I really have no problem with spending life in jail. I really don't.
--Father Demo Square
Man, not moving: This place is draining the life out of me.
--IKEA Store
Overheard by: Les Izzmore
Train operator: This is a life-altering bound r train. Prepare to be amazed. Next stop, Nirvana.
--R Train
With This Ring, I Thee Wednesday One-Liner
Middle aged black woman on cell: Does your mother know we're married yet?
--Forever 21, Union Square
Overheard by: Sophie
2nd grader: See! This is what happens when a man marries another man! They get divorced!
--22nd & Lexington
Angry man to woman: They just had to get fucking married two days before fucking Christmas!
--Century 21
Overheard by: Amina
Dejected guy, slumping on stairs: Will you marry me?
--11th St & b/w University Place & Broadway
Overheard by: Alex Bailey
Guy on phone: She already said yes, so I don't have to get her a ring, right? (pause) Well, why do I have to get her a ring if she already said yes?
--18th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Jessica Bergin
Son Of a Wednesday One-Liner Man
Evangelist outside gym: You want to be a macho man? Look at Jesus!
--Broadway & Prince
Street evangelist on microphone: Y'all ever see two female pigeons in bed together?
--Fordham Plaza
Very agitated priest: Jesus was a zygote once--what if Mary aborted him?
--St. Luke's Church, Whitestone
Crazy subway evangelist: If god could make me a good crackhead, you best believe he could make me a good preacher.
--E Train
Overheard by: Giggling at crack
Preacher: And that's why your religion is null and void.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Alfie
Wednesday One-Liner: The World's Oldest Profession
Older, dirty-looking hobo: Hey, spare me some change, all I want tonight is a hooker and some malt liquor.
--Ave A & 4th St
20-something girl: Seriously! There is nothing better after a stressful day than stealing a car, picking up a hooker, taking her to the beach, fucking her, killing her, getting your money back and not getting arrested. Nothing!
--Underhill & St. Mark's, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Claire H.
Young woman to boss: If you don't give me more hours, I'mma have to start sellin' my pussy!
--Chelsea
Overheard by: Holly
Subway musician in drag the night before Valentine's Day: Be with the one you love! If you don't have anyone, then hire somebody! And keep your receipt!
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Morning Glory
Musician on train platform: Everything gonna be alright! Get home safe, New York. Remember: if you see something, say something, don't keep it to yourself. And remember, New York, if you can't be with the one you love, pay someone! Keep all the receipts. I know what I'm talking about.
--B Train
Overheard by: Free Love
Wednesday One-Liners Get Schooled
Guy leaving registration line: Yo,son, I'm a fucking college student!
--Borough of Manhattan Community College
Girl to friend: If I blow off the first day of class to go to Nobu, am I really meant to be an MD?
--Nobu Restaurant, Tribeca
Crazy guy: School is good! School is very good! You can speak Chinese! You can speak Japanese! (counts to ten in Spanish.) School is good! School is very good!
--C Train
Overheard by: Emily B.
Hipster art student: He keeps giving us too many penis assignments. I don't wanna do another penis assignment.
--Pratt Institute
Blonde: My mom wants me to look at graduation dresses...yeah, let's see if I get there first.
--Austin St, Forest Hills
A Sorry Sack Of Wednesday One-Liners
Guy to friend: I'm sorry. When I see tight shorts I don't think 80s hair metal.
--23rd St
Conductor: This station is Murray Hill. If you look outside your window and don't see a platform, then you can't get off. Sorry. Please walk towards the front of the train.
--LIRR
Overheard by: PW rider
NJ transit conductor: Folks, this is the 5:50 Midtown direct. We are leaving two minutes late because some of your fellow commuters would not board the train. Some people don't understand you can walk on the train. Sorry for that.
--NJ Transit, Penn Station
Overheard by: Katherine
Extremely Brooklynese conductor: Okay, we're being held up by another f and...uh...another d. Oh, jeez! Sorry, people, it's not my fault, blame the fuckin' dispatcher! (to person in the conducting booth) What?
--F Train
Overheard by: Jasper johnson
Conductor on loudspeaker: Now arriving at Penn Station. Please exit the train promptly. And to those sitting in the first two cars, sorry about the lack of lights and air conditioner. (loudspeaker turns off, after a pause back on). Actually, we're sorry about everything.
--NJ Transit, Penn Station
Overheard by: brutal commuter
If I Could Grunt and Squeak and Squawk With the Wednesday One-Liners
Middle aged man: So all you gotta do is pick up a gray squirrel holding an acorn, squeeze his belly, and hear him make real squirrel chatter.
--92nd & Lexington
Latina girl on cell: Chill the fuck out! Groundhog Day isn't till like June or some shit!
--PETCO, Union Square
Overheard by: Max
Girl: I tried a lot of things before I started kicking small animals.
--15th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Rijita
20-something guy to another: They cost a lot but they live forever. If you get a group of like 20 elephants, you're invincible.
--1 Train
Female student: But how else would you transport the elephant?
--34th St b/w Park & Madison Ave
Eight-year-old boy, running hellbent through playground, to friend: I could tell you about Archelon, the largest evolved turtle, but there isn't time.
--Riverdale
Overheard by: Someone else's mom
Guy on cell: It was kind of like sexually penetrating cows...
--E 55th St
Overheard by: TiffanyLyn
Use a Wednesday, So You Don't Get One-Linered Up
Man helping woman carry stroller down stairs: If you had taken the bloody pill when you said you were taking it, we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place.
--Broadway-Lafayette B/D/F/V Station
Overheard by: Jon A.
Man walking with girlfriend, loudly: Wait, did you bring your diaphragm?
--Times Square
Loud woman on cell: How many times do you have to have sex, and have a baby, before you realize: "If I have sex without a condom I will get someone pregnant."? Seriously!
--Broadway & 103rd St
Overheard by: Amy
Guy on phone: I always tell people that sex with you with a condom is better than sex with other girls without a condom.
--Outside Trader Joe's, 14th St
Zoo guide: This zoo likes to be careful with breeding animals by taking into account genes and the like. But then again, Zippy--the baby snow monkey--came along. So be careful with your birth control.
--Central Park Zoo, by the Snow Monkeys
Girl to another: I just don't see why we can't make our own condoms.
--14th St & 4th Ave
Wednesdays Get a Headache Without Their One-Liners
Barista: Basically someone bought a coffee Friday, came back Monday and said it's cold. Um, yeah. It's three days later.
--Starbucks, Canal & Broadway
Overheard by: Kaitlen
Woman, walking out of Starbucks empty-handed: Well, at least now we know where we can get coffee. You know, in the morning?
--Starbucks, Times Square
Overheard by: David Landfair
NYU student to coffee cart man: Can I get a venti-large coffee?
--Greene St & Washington Place, The Village
Overheard by: Jane
Male coworker: I was just going to turn water into coffee, like they do in the bible.
--Broadway
Hyper five-year-old to mom: Hey look, Starbucks. Let's go to Starbucks. Starbucks! Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee!
--Astor Place
Overheard by: Juxie
Mother to hysterical baby in stroller: What do you want, huh? Coffee and a cigarette?
--Outside Bloomingdale's
Overheard by: kteezy