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May 2009 Archives
Tonight, on Queer As Fock...
Drunk passerby to group of hipsters in front of him: All these fucking nerdy guys are with hot girls these days.
Female hipster: Oh, why thank you! He's gay, so it doesn't really matter anyway.
Drunk passerby: Oh, damn. He's gay...?
Male hipster: Yeah, but I'm a math major, so it was fair of you to call me nerdy.
--East Village
Unless Cocaine and Penises Count
Chubby girl: I need to lose some weight before I go on vacation. What did you eat when you went on your three-day diet?
Anorexic girl: Uh...I didn't.
--Union Square
And a College Boy Would Never Put That in an Inappropriate Place
Guy #1: Yeah, so I'm going back to the doctor to get the rash checked out. They think I might be allergic to my girlfriend's...
Guy #2, interrupting: Oh god, I don't want to know.
Guy #1: Skin lotion!
Guy #2: Oh.
Guy #1: Dude, what did you think I was about to say? It's on my hand.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: I wasn't thinking it.
Did You Shave Your Eyes Again, Harry?
Crazy man to cop: Where's you hair? Where's your hair?
Cop: What did you do to yourself?
Crazy man: I didn't do nothin'. Where's your hair?
--Port Authority Bus Terminal
Overheard by: Ems
Let Him Raid My Lost Ark! Enter My Temple Of Doom!
NYU girl #1: What about Harrison Ford? You know, Indiana Jones?
NYU girl #2: Ew! He's like, 80.
NYU girl #1: He's 67, thank you, and I'd wrangle his whip anytime!
--Washington Square
I Think I Saw This Short at the Cannes Film Festival
Blue collar guy to random guy holding a musical instrument: I wish I had a harpsichord. I'd put on an old fashioned movie and play it in the dark. You wouldn't even need a drink!
Musical guy: A drink wouldn't hurt.
Blue collar guy: No, it wouldn't. (takes a bottle of rum out of his pocket and takes a swig)
--N Train
Overheard by: Pretending to listen to her music
Let's Swing by After Ultimate Fighting Practice!
Huge black guy #1: Oh man, they have a wonderful exfoliator. It's wonderful!
Huge black guy #2: Oh, yeah man. You know where we got to go? It's this place called lush!
--Time Warner Center
...Without Saying "Please"
Little girl: I want a cookie!
Grandmother: Ain't you know better, girl? You can't eat junk like that!
--KFC, Park Slope
Overheard by: Starscream
From the Director's Cut Of Thelma and Louisa
Drunk girl on bike #1: How's your nose?
Drunk girl on bike #2: How's your neck?
Drunk girl on bike #1: Hey, all I'm saying is that I'd rather get a hickey from a random boy I don't know than break my nose by falling off my bike. (falls off her bike) Shiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Girl #2: How's your fucking nose now, whore?
--NYU
Naked Natalie Is Your Sister?
Guy #1, yelling: Bye, girls! Keep your clothes on!
Guy #2: Dude...that's my sister.
--W 3rd & Mercer
Overheard by: Checking her out
So Which Came First, Then?
Girl #1: So my boyfriend brought me crown fried chicken for dinner the other night.
Girl #2: Oh, yeah?
Girl #3: I heard they cum in it.
--Queens College
...And Potentially Fuck You?
Skater: Come on. Hang out.
Murray Hill-looking PR-type chick: Fuck you! You're a fag! You'd rather hang with your loser friends in this fucking rat hole? I would have fucked you, if you just came to Manhattan but...
Skater: C'mon hang. It'll be cool.
Murray Hill-looking PR-type chick: Oh, fuck this. I'm taking this cab. Have fun sucking your buddy's cock, asshole!
Skater, after watching her leave: Fucking bitch! (pauses, then asks perfect stranger) Hey, can I buy a cigarette from you?
--12th St & Bedford
You Won't Want to Breathe in Again Once We Reach Brooklyn
Train conductor: Next stop, 2nd Ave. Please do not push and shove, this might result in a fight unless you like to fight.
(moments later)
Train conductor: This is 2nd Ave. It is now okay for all of you to take a deep breath. The next stop is Delancy Street.
(moments later)
Train conductor: This is Delancy Street. For all of you that are still holding your breath, it is now okay to breath out.
--F Train
Overheard by: LunchBox
With Your Gold Card?
Girl #1: I have to pee so bad!
Girl #2: So pee, right here, right now.
Random creep, turning around: I'd pay to see that!
--Avenue M Train Station
Overheard by: gaby
What Kind Of Scam Are You Trying to Pull, Lady?
Sassy black lady on crowded train: Excuse me!
Irritated suit: There's nowhere else to go!
Sassy black lady: No! I bump you! I bump you, so I said "excuse me!"
--Downtown A Train
You're Not Texting to Say You Got in, Are You?
Texting teenager: Is there two "L"s in "Fordham"?
Teenager's friend: Uhh...just one, I think.
--N Train
And Milk That for All It's Worth?
Ghetto girl #1: You are so ignorant!
Ghetto girl #2: Don't call me that! You know I hate that word!
Ghetto girl #1: What do you want me to call you? Lactose intolerant?
--A Train
Childrearing, in a Nutshell
Four-year-old: I don't like you.
Angry mother: Well, that's fine, I don't like you very much either.
Four-year-old: That's mean.
Angry mother: That's life.
--Time Square
Overheard by: pluml
From the Reality Competition So You Think You Want Children
Little boy on scooter #1, to parents: I want a dog. I want a dog. I want a dog. I want a dog!
Little boy on scooter #2, talking over boy #1: I think we get it. I think we get it. I think we get it. I think we get it!
--Church & Chambers
Overheard by: ithinkhe'sright
Well, Two Girls, One Cup Certainly Can't *Help* It
Dude #1: I heard it ruins your sex life.
Dude #2: Forever?
Dude #1: I think so!
--34th & 8th
Trust Me-- I Have the Data on That.
Girl: Oh, so new thing: if I smoke with my left hand, that will make me more ambidextrous.
Friend: No.
--43rd St & 6th Ave
Just When You Were Starting to Miss Your 20's...
Girl #1: I love cheese steaks.
Girl #2: Me too, they are my favorite drunk food.
Girl #1: They are so bad for you.
Girl #2: It doesn't matter, I'll just throw it up anyways.
(both start laughing)
--PATH
Your Eyebrows Would Make Fabulous Trim
Unstylish woman to woman in fur coat: Fur is murder!
Woman in coat: You should be murdered.
--6th Ave & 9th St
Overheard by: ilove fur
We Were Out Of Pot, and the Bong Was Just Sitting There...
NYU student #1: I don't remember but I totally think Patrick ripped me a new asshole last night.
NYU student #2: Yeah, probably.
--Cantor Film Center, NYU
Overheard by: lita505
If Worse Comes to Worse, We Can Pacify Them with Beer
Preteen boy, on his way to St. Patrick's Parade: Mommy, how long do we have to be on this train?
Mother: A few minutes.
Preteen boy: Mommy! This is like when the Nazis took all those people to concentration camps!
Mother: Yeah, but they were German, these people are Irish.
--PATH Train
Overheard by: Shane
Irrationally and with All My Heart
Old man #1: Where is it?
Old man #2, looking at paper: The address is 257.
Old man #1: Good, as long as it's not 252. I hate that address.
--14th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: EthanK
Snakes on a Floor Was a Disappointing Sequel
Male straphanger, laughing: Why didn't you run out of the car like everyone else when you saw my six-foot yellow snake crawling on the floor?
Female straphanger, serious: I have one just like it at home! You coming back again tomorrow, so I can get another seat?
--5 Train
Overheard by: Hansi
Did You at Least Dream-Throw-It-Up?
Skinny blonde #1: Last night I dreamed I was eating a pork chop.
Skinny blonde #2: Ew, gross!
--Palladium Dining Hall, NYU
Joke's on You-- She's a Cyborg!
Front row student: Well, I am certain that my mom will always be there when I need her.
Professor: You mean she will always be there (pause) until she dies, which we are all certain of.
--Lecutre, NYU
But You Can Make a Bong Out Of It, Sir.
Hobo, yelling on the train: Oh, god, I know I've made a lot of mistakes. This is all my fault, but if you could just give me something to eat for lunch, or a nickel, anything!
(girl offers him an orange from her bag)
Hobo: No, that ain't food. Thanks anyway.
--Downtown R Train
Overheard by: Kinda have to agree
And I'm Trying to Turn It Into an Organized Religion
Thick Brooklyn accent guy #1: Ten-dollar drinks, fifteen-dollar burgers...that's how these strip clubs get you.
Thick Brooklyn accent guy #2: Yeah man, forget the food. I'm a fucking Pussetarian.
--W 34th St & Broadway
The Very Definition Of a Good Dog
Random passerby to man whose bulldog is urinating in garbage bag: He's a good dog!
Dog owner: Yes, he is!
Random passerby: Be careful, though, he could kill you.
Dog owner: Oh, he totally could.
--11th St & Ave A
Overheard by: Nina
And I Have a Healthy Curiosity About Bomb-Making, Just Like Anyone Else.
Thug to young friend checking DVDs in library: How come you got a library card?
Friend: Because I'm...normal?
--Seward Park Library, Broadway & Rutgers
Overheard by: Puma
Could You Remind Me How to Breathe?
Hip Indian chick #1: We should totally go to Raj's party tomorrow night.
Hip Indian chick #2: Oh my god, we totally should! Except it's in Brooklyn. Like, how would we even get there? Are there like, bridges or something?
Hip Indian chick #1: You're kidding, right?
Hip Indian chick #2, laughing: Wow! I am so one of those people who are like total geniuses but always forget like, really basic stuff.
Hip Indian chick #1: Umm, yeah. Totally.
--M14D Bus
Overheard by: Cody
No More Montessori School for You, Young Man.
Gangster to son: Yo, nigga, you better not do crack when you grow up.
Gangster son: When I be big, I'ma be a dancer!
--Broadway & Laffayette
Overheard by: alexjeff
He's About a Minute Away from Devolving Into, "Red Rum! Red Rum!"
Adorable singing toddler: Too many people! Too many people! Too many people!
(train stops at station)
Adorable singing toddler: This train needs to move!
Woman sitting nearby: This kid is *awesome*!
(minutes later)
Adorable toddler, still singing: Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow! Be quiet, cat. Meow, meow, meow, meow! Shhh...cat, be quiet. You're not my cat, be quiet! Meow? Meow! Meow meow!
--Downtown 3 Train
Now I'd Like to Apologize for Adam Sandler
Salesperson, after seeing Jewish last name on credit card: Sorry about all that craziness in Israel!
Jew: It's okay. We're used to it.
--Houston & Varick
And Tragically Bitchy.
Balding chubby man #1: Yeah, man, marriage is rough. I mean, you need to find someone who can bring something to the table.
Balding chubby man #2: Yeah...what do you mean?
Balding chubby man #1: I mean, when you hit 30 and are looking to settle down, you need to find someone who has something to offer, cause if she doesn't have something to offer, then you are in trouble.
Balding chubby man #2: Okay.
Balding chubby man #1: I mean, look at Paul McCartney, he married that lady, and they were together, what, five years? She brought nothing to the table. Then they divorced and she got 60 million dollars. Just like that!
Balding chubby man #2: Yeah, that's a lot of money.
Balding chubby man #1: I know! But I shouldn't talk bad about her...you know, cause she's crippled.
--N Train
That Never Stopped the Beatles from Putting Out Albums
NYU guy: You saw Notorious? How was it?
NYU girl: I didn't even know I was going to a movie, I thought we were going to a concert.
NYU guy: He's dead, you know.
NYU girl: Well, now I know.
--Uptown 6 Train
All This Time I Thought "He Brew" Was a Boy Bar
Cocktail waitress #1: Wait... isn't he gay?
Cocktail waitress #2: No, he's married.
Cocktail waitress #1: Oh, I guess I was mistaking his Jewishness for gayness.
--Thom Bar
Like, New York's Technically a State Of Mind, Right?
College student with Boston accent: Yeah, I was reading this article in like Newsweek or something, that ranked the states from smartest to dumbest. Massachusetts was in the top ten.
College student with Miami accent: What about Florida?
College student with Boston accent: Florida was like, 47.
College student with Miami accent: Out of how many?
--NYU
Overheard by: Still Laughing
She Was All, "Your Prescription Came In." Can You Imagine??
Guy #1: So, are you gonna go to the pharmacy again?
Guy #2: No, dude.
Guy #1: Why not? You should go to the pharmacy.
Guy #2: Dude, if I go to the pharmacy it's gonna be so awkward. She found my number in the database and called me.
--The Met
You Can Also Get Pregnant That Way
Girl #1: Yeah, when you have anal sex for the first time you shit on his dick.
Girl #2: Are you fucking serious? Like you have to take a shit?
Girl #3: No, it's like a plunger. When he pulls it out, it is just sucked out.
--56th & 9th
Janeane Garofalo: Hey, That's the Foundation Of My Stand-up Act!
Girl to friend: I helped a tourist the other day. That's not me, I'm a bitch.
Hobo, eavesdropping : Yeah, you are.
Girl: What?
Hobo: You're a bitch.
--Union Square
Aren't You Glad We Can Talk Like This?
Confused student #1: We've only got 1 minute to get to first period.
Confused student #2: What time is it?
Confused student #1, looking at watch: It's 8:01 and class starts at 8:02.
Confused student #2: No, it starts at 8:08. And my watch says it's 7:55.
Confused student #1: Really? I'm so tired I didn't remember.
Confused student #2: Why are you tired?
Confused student #1: I don't know. I woke up on the floor this morning.
Confused student #2: On the floor? Why were you on the floor?
Confused student #1: I don't know. I went to sleep in my bed and woke up on the floor.
Confused student #2: That sucks. I woke up in the bathtub once.
Confused student #1: What would be worse is waking up on the toilet.
Confused student #2: I couldn't imagine that.
--7 Train
Overheard by: Yoteh
This Is Plan: B, Plan: A Was (Tilts Head Toward Aluminum Garbage Can)
Young-looking 40-something: So, I've got some big news for you all...
Mother: Oh? Really?
Young-looking 40 something: We're adding a new member to the family!
Mother: You're pregnant?!
Young-looking 40-something: No, my daughter is. (tilts head towards teenage daughter)
--Cafeteria, Metropolitan Museum of Art
Headline by: Ryan
Runners-Up:
· "But, Okay, Yes, I Am Too" - Chuckles
· "Just Like Mom Used to Make 'em" - Slater
· "So You DIDN'T Just Save 15% on Car Insurance?" - benj
· "You Know It's Time to Run for Vice-President When..." - Morning Glory
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Like, a Nice Little Silver Clutch with Tassels?
Suit #1: Dude, could you imagine if, like, there was no paper money? And instead, all we had was coins made of some metallic elements?
Suit #2: Whoa, that would be pretty hot.
Suit #1, laughing: Yeah! (frowning) Except what if you wanted to carry $200 around with you? You'd have to carry like 200 coins.
Suit #2: Yeah.
Suit #1: Then you'd probably have to carry around a purse.
Suit #2: Oh.
Suit #1: But couldn't you just imagine...?
--Fulton & Pearl
Pop Quiz: Which, If Either, Of These People Is Being Sarcastic?
Teenage boy: So then I thought about three things: government conspiracies, population control, and minorities.
Teenage girl, seriously: Smart.
Teenage boy, equally serious: Thanks. I've been smart ever since I was little.
Teenage girl: I like smart people.
--D Train
Overheard by: ...and modest people, too
It's Easier for Girls, Punkin
Hipster to texting friend: You get service on the train?
Cute girl: I get service everywhere...
(they stare at each other awkwardly)
--Uptown 1 Train
Only Wednesday One-Liners Bother to Look Up
British tourist, passing by The Pink Tea Cup Southern restaurant: Oh, look--an urban menu!
--Bleecker & Grove
Young Asian tourist girl: You mean, there's not actually any fields?
--Strawberry Fields
Overheard by: Jason K.
Tourist, in thick Southern accent: I just don't understand how they turn the trains around so fast, and we don't see them do it!
--Grand Central Station, Shuttle Train
Overheard by: Sara
Tourist hick teen to others: Everybody's wearin' shoes!
--33rd St & 6th Ave
Elderly tourist being escorted to her seat: Oh! I hope we get a booth!
--Olive Garden
Overheard by: EthanK
Tourist to friend: No, we cannot go into a store. I cannot leave Broadway. How else would you expect me to get discovered?
--Time Square
Wednesday Hearts One-Liners
White trash woman to angry boyfriend: Stop! I'm in my car and I love myself! I love myself! Fuck you if you don't love yourself! Tyra says to love yourself, and I love myself!
--49th & 11th
Conductor: Passengers, as you all know the New Haven line is known as the Love Line, because of our red colors and red schedules. For Valentine's Day why not buy a loved one a ticket? Nothing says "I love you" like a Metro North ticket! Imagine the look on your mother-in-law's face when she opens up her present to find a one way trip to Manhattan!
--Metro North Train
Sorority girl: And this is a list of all the girls who love Jell-o.
--St. John's University
Overheard by: Peter G
Guy on Bluetooth: What did I say? I said I love you and you didn't fucking say anything back. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?
--Jackson Heights
Excited black guy to friend: Damn! I think I'm in love, she's like the whole package! She's pretty, she's fuckable, and she can cook!
--A Train
Overheard by: Tim
Little boy leaving the church: Bye, Jesus! I love you!
--Riverside Church
Overheard by: Stephanie
People for the Ethical Treatment Of Wednesday One-Liners
Girl to guy: I don't think that hamsters respond to you as much as, like, a guinea pig does.
--Bank St. & Greenwich St.
Overheard by: Katie Compa
Crazy redneck-looking guy to PETA circus protester: They're gonna do to us what they did to the lions! We'll be put in concentration camps!
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Santiago and Catie
Guy: And she can ride him like a horse!
--W 103rd St
Graying Brooklyn guy to another: You know, the only thing I haven't seen is a bobcat.
--7th Ave & 4th St, Brooklyn
Underclassman to another: Lizards can't impregnate anyone. They don't even have penises.
--Townsend Harris High School
Overheard by: amused
Drunk man in tiger costume to McDonald's worker: There's an escaped zoo animal and he wants to eat your pussy. Stop serving your food and hide! (then steals bowl of jams used for breakfast menu)
--McDonald's
We Prefer to Think of Wednesday One-Liners as "Found Art"
Girl on cell: So I bought this air conditioner for my living room, and it's entirely too large for me to install by myself, because it weighs 78 lbs. No, seriously, I cannot even get it out of the box. I know--for the time being I'm just referring to it as a Duchamp "readymade." Ew! Don't you call me bohemian!
--19th & 6th
Art professor: You should look at Picasso and Matisse. These people will be more important to you than your family. Cousin Philly. I had a cousin Philly, and I loved him very much. But he's dead now.
--Pratt Institute
Overheard by: traPt
Lawyer to friend, about Vincent van Gogh: You know, I could have gotten him disability.
--Van Gogh Exhibit, MoMA
Woman, discussing gallery: It was all modern stuff--but not, like, the kind of modern art that children can do.
--20th & 5th
Tourist boy: You can see his penis! It's not art if you can see his penis!
--Petrie Court, Metropolitan Museum of Art
Wednesday One-Liners, Cracked but Not Broken
Large woman attempting to sit down: Y'all better slide down, cause my ass is wide!
--Downtown 4 Train
Overheard by: squished
Limping black hobo to preppy white male: Maaaaan...what's that got to do with wiping yo' ass?
--10th Ave b/w 50th & 51st
Middle aged man to daughter: Come on, let's go look for baby bottle butt!
--H Mart
Professor: I got excited because another man touched my ass in public!
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Haven't we all?
Seated man to mom letting her child run around restaurant: Your daughter just put her hand in my butt crack.
--Park Slope
Are You Washed in the Wednesday One-Liners Of Jesus?
Teenage girl: My mom is always reminding me to lock my door because you got to worry about the bloods and the clots.
--Uptown 2 Train
Emo chick: So he goes to this party and he does it with this old guy. He pretty much went home with a bloody butthole.
--Roseland Ballroom
Overheard by: charlotte
Suit on cell: Never in my life have I seen that much blood in the trunk of a car.
--82nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Karyn
Small Asian girl to large drag queen: So then he, like, bit off his tongue and nearly bled to death. (long pause) Or maybe I was just high.
--Elevator, Brooklyn
Wednesday One-Liners Get Some Pussy
Knitting girl: Don't let your drunk girlfriend name your cat, because eventually you will break up with her and then you'll have a cat with a stupid name.
--The Point Knitting Cafe
Overheard by: Heather
Woman coming out of restroom, holding a bottle of liquid soap: You gotta keep the cat clean!
--NYU Hospital
Overheard by: A nurse who wish she wasn't sometimes!!
Female tourist, to herself: There are nine ways to skin a cat, and I know all of them.
--23rd & 8th
Man to woman, arguing: Fuck you, Nina, that's the point. You're not taking my cat!
--Central Park
Old man to friend, during lunch: I don't like cats' attitudes. Unlike dogs, they can be so aloof. Especially to Jews...
--Deli, 1st Ave
Overheard by: Allison
Wednesday Puts Its One-Liners on One Leg at a Time
Guy on cell: In a wig, with his pants down, watching her from his car.
--33rd St, Astoria
Overheard by: Ferna
Teen to another: Barack Obama said, "pull your pants up!"
--Broadway & 72nd St
NYU girl: I wanna do it, and I wanna do it in my pants box.
--Weinstein Hall, NYU
Border's employee to man sleeping in chair: Sir, could you please wake up? ...and also zip up your pants.
--Borders
Guy on phone: Well, I guess I thought you might be kind of gay after you invited me to that "no pants" party.
--Astoria
Crazy Like a Wednesday One-Liner
Teacher to colleagues: When a student acts up a second time, I always throw something at the window and then do something like this (goes into fetal position and starts rocking) at my desk. I mean...these are first graders! You need them to think you're crazy from the very beginning, or you'll have a horrible year!
--Bar, Smith & Sackett
Paper baggin' hobo: I'm not sure who's crazier: me, or this beer. It's 23 degrees outside, and I'm drinking a cold beer!
--Jackie Robinson Park
Overheard by: Ian
High pitched 20-something girl to empty block: I feel like I'm taking crazy pills, here!
--58th & 7th
Female student on cell: Did you know him? (pause) Oh. Well, did Kate* know him? (pause) What? You girls are crazy! Yeah, you'd better lock your door!
--Fordham University
Man on cell: I'm feeling pretty good today. That's usually when I go off the deep end.
--Prince & Elizabeth
Hush, Little Wednesday, Don't You One-Liner
Mother to screaming child: Please stop crying and put your coat on. I am not hurting you or torturing you, so please stop crying.
--4th Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: olivejuice
Father to kid who just started crying: Hey, stop! I thought I told you to wait until we got home!
--Park Slope, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Lucian
Guy to girl, on Valentine's Day: You look fat when you cry.
--Cobble Hill
Overheard by: MJB
Hispanic man on phone to girlfriend: Ma, why you cryin?! You should be breaking up with me because I hit you!
--Staten Island Ferry
Guy to girlfriend: I'm sorry I pulled your hair while you were crying.
--Bowery & 2nd
If a Boy Is Your Friend, Is He Your Wednesday One-Liner?
Hot Latina: He doesn't look like someone I'd want to fuck. But neither does my boyfriend... Well, depending on what he's wearing.
--3rd Ave & 46th St
Overheard by: SillyUrn
Girl to friend: If my boyfriend ever asked me to do that, I would get a new boyfriend, preferably the blow-up one that I already have in my bed.
--Dorm, NYU
Overheard by: amused
Girl in leopard print pajamas: My boyfriend is the voice on Dora the Explorer. Name dropped.
--Elevator, NYU
Overheard by: babaganoush the great
Teen boy on cell: Hi, Lisa, it's Matt. Sarah and I were just talking about how much you love tools, so I went to Home Depot today and picked you up a new boyfriend.
--N Train
Overheard by: SueCity
Yuppie to friends: So my boyfriend called me last night and asked me, "Hey, do you even know my name?" and I said, "Well...no."
--1 Train
Overheard by: yams
"It's Not You. It's Wednesday One-Liner."
Screaming, sobbing middle-aged woman to man: Why are you doing this to me? Why are you doing this to me? We made beautiful love last night! Why are you doing this to me?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Laura
Angry woman on cell: You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me! We are done!
--147th & St Nicholas
Man on cell: I'm going to fucking dump that job, like girls dump me.
--45th & 8th
Girl on phone: No wonder he broke up with you, you are a pain in the ass!
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Laura
Teen girl on cell: Are you fucking kidding me? You're breaking up with me because I didn't let you lick chocolate off my coochie? That shit's fucked up!
--Bloomingdale's
It Was to Support the Arts More
Girl #1: Girl, did you see her Sasquatch ass! She be taking three for the team!
Girl #2: Don't curse.
Girl #1: You know, I be breaking my New Year's resolution.
Girl #2: Word!
--G Train
And No One Got the "Norwegian" Joke
20-something guy, holding long wooden board: Hey, can you spare some change for me and my wood to get a hooker?
Blonde party girl passing by, rubbing wood in sexual way: Oh, I like your wood...
20-something guy: Oh, thank you. (to girl sitting next to him) You'd think someone would give me money just for making them laugh, but no.
--St. Mark's b/w 2nd & 3rd
Overheard by: TR
If You Put a Bunch Of Them in a Wheel You Could Solve the Energy Crisis
Girl to friend: She's been out ice skating with her sister for two hours...how the hell does a five-year-old ice skate for three hours?
Friend: I know, right? Kids are like hamsters.
--John St
Harold and Kumar III Features the Same Old Regurgitated Jokes
Older man: I'm drunk and hungry, I need some White Castle.
Younger man: That'll make you throw up.
Older man: But that's how I end all my nights, so it won't be different.
--Christopher St & 7th Ave
"Where There Is a Sample Sale, I Will Be There."
Greenpeace canvasser to two girls with mother: Girls, do you want your mom to be a superhero today?
Mom: I'm already a superhero, I just bought them clothes!
--Broadway & Houston
Overheard by: Erin
As One Is Wont to Do
Short girl: Where's Alanna?
Tall girl: I think she's off hitting on those rich kids she babysits.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Oh no!
But It Might Just Be a Jello Wrestling Pit
Drunk girl #1: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Drunk girl #2, despairingly: In a ditch!
Drunk girl #1: Awkward.
--14th & 1st
Which Explains Why They're All So Skinny!
Unmasked woman to two men wearing medical masks: Who cares if he's gay? Gay's not a disease!
Masked man: Yes it is!
--Lower East Side
Wouldn't You Find That Symbolically Disturbing?
20-something: Well, what are we going to do tonight if the movie is sold out?
Black comedy slinger, overhearing: See a comedy show!
20-something: No, that's okay.
Black comedy slinger: It's cool, I never killed anyone.
20-something: We're alright.
Black comedy slinger: And I love white people.
20-something: We're not tourists...
Black comedy slinger: Oh, okay. Want a piggyback ride?
--44th & Broadway
Overheard by: Robert B
...But I Have This Machete Just in Case.
(cop has police tape pulled across intersection to prevent pedestrians from walking while traffic is moving)
Ten-year-old kid, wearing gray sweatshirt and blue baseball cap: Why are you doing that?
Cop: We got a call about someone wearing a gray sweatshirt and blue baseball cap prowling the streets, so this is to keep you safe. Do you feel safe, kid?
Kid, looking terrified: Yeah?
--5th Ave & 47th St
No Wonder Their Bacon Smells Fishy
(two obese out-of-towners take up four seats on the subway)
Fat man #1: They should really make these seats for Americans.
Fat man #2: The problem with these trains is that they're built in Canada with a Japanese design.
--Grand Central Shuttle
Overheard by: Porky Pig
Yeah? I'd Love to Dip My Socks in Your Coffee!
Guy trying to plug laptop charger into outlet: Mind if I sneak this cord between your legs?
Girl near outlet: Sure! That sounds hot! It's the best offer I've gotten all day!
(guy blushes profusely)
--Think Coffee, Mercer St
Overheard by: Carmi
This Is Something I've Only Dreamed Of!
Conductor: Next stop, NYU. 8th Street.
Tourist teen girl #1: NYU? Is that New York University?
Tourist teen girl #2: Umm, I think so.
Tourist teen girl #1: Wow! New York University has their own stop!
--N Train
The Penises Get Mad When We're Late
Girl: I'm really bad at observing people.
Friend: I love Sleeping Beauty.
Girl: I can't write about art if it's, like, asked by my teachers. That's what I hate about this class. Last semester I had to reckon with a Louise Bourgeois essay... All her penises. Are you guys ready to go?
--Cooper-Hewitt, National Design Museum
Overheard by: Alex Bailey
Just Like My Grandma Always Said
Big guy #1: Yeah, Greece is absolutely the best!
Big guy #2: Mmm.
Big guy #1: Greece is the best.
Big guy #1: If you want to take it up the ass...
--6th Ave & 17th St, Chelsea
So, Easier to Live with Than You?
Curious spectator: Are greyhounds easy to live with?
Greyhound owner: Honey, in the past forty years, I've had three husbands and only one breed of dog!
--Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show
Overheard by: Another Greyhound Lover
Female Discontent: The Universal Language
High school girl to friend: All guys are either taken, jerks, butt-ugly, or gay!
Black lady next to them: Amen sister, amen.
--1 Train
You Can Take the Girl Out Of the Island...
Guy: So what was our plan again? Have a drink and then go for a drive?
Girl: It'll be just like we're living in Long Island again!
--26th & 8th
You Really Have to Be, These Days.
Teenage girl #1: Ow! Why did you throw your brain so hard?
Teenage girl #2: You know you're into that kind of shit.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Pretending to look at a map
Anything Involving the Transportation Of Children, Really
NYU guy: So what's your favorite movie?
NYU girl: Baby Geniuses (pause) My second is Schindler's List.
--Union Square
Overheard by: AFI
But I Have a Jellyfish Bite!
Drunk preteen girl #1, dragging friend across room: Don't touch her hand!
Drunk preteen girl #2: Why not?
Drunk preteen girl #1: Cause she just peed on it!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Allison T
Does That Make Us Generation KY?
Girl #1: Whoa! People still get herpes? I thought herpes was a thing of the 80s.
Girl #2: Yeah, well, my mom was having sex in the 80s.
--13th St & 4th Ave
Overheard by: dani
Headline by: Sam
Runners-Up:
· "And Is Now on VH1's "I Fucked the 80s"" - Henk
· "And It's So Hard to Find a Mother's Day Card That Mentions Valtrex" - STD Free
· "Just Another Side Effect Of Parachute Pants and Big Hair" - Morning Glory
· "Once the 90s Rolled Around She Stopped Trying to Catch STDs and Started Trying to Catch Pokemon" - Gotta catch em all
· "That Explains Why All Your Friends Have Herpes" - Brian
· "Why You Should Never Fill Your Parents Prescriptions" - JB
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
...And We've Been Together Ever Since.
20-something burnout: Would you like to know what this girl said last night, when she was tripping balls and the cops came to my house?
Friend: She thought she was in a nursing home!
20-something burnout: She was screaming all this crazy stuff. (pause) Wait, are you offended by dirty words?
Friend: Go for it.
20-something burnout: "You dick!"
Friend: Excuse me?
20-something burnout: "You fucking nigger faggot! Bitch-ass spic! I'm a fucking lesbian! You're a fucking lesbian!"
--Mineola Ave, Queens
Speaking Of Red Skin...Ew.
Boy #1: Do you like the Chargers?
Boy #2: Yeah.
Boy #1: Do you like the Redskins?
Boy #2: Yeah.
Boy #1: Do you like my bum?
--Central Park
If Only That Worked with Ashlee Simpson
Hobo, singing: Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb! Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was...
Man, holding out dollar: I will give you one dollar to shut the fuck up.
Hobo: (shuts up)
--14th St Subway Station
My Cyberstalker Texted Me About It
Little kid with notebook: Mom, what is this called?
Mom: That's a notebook.
Little kid: Notebook! Notebook! I got a notebook! My Facebook! Facebook!
Mom, amused: How do you know about Facebook?
--Downtown 1 Train
Overheard by: Camillia*
...Get Thee to a Punnery!
Nerdy guy #1: That dude is a total fag, anyway!
Nerdy girl: Uh, you can't call people fags...
Nerdy guy #2: Yeah! From now on, let's use "fog".
Nerdy girl: That guy is such a fog?
Nerdy guy #1: Yeah... He will be mist.
(20 seconds later)
Nerdy girl: Wait! Missed? Mist? My god...
--NYU
They're Like Madagascar.
Seven-year-old boy: This hat is fake.
Seven-year-old girl: Hats can't be fake. Hats can't even be real.
--6 Train
Overheard by: oldsamcole
Young Whoopi Goldberg Knew She Had to Be Funnier Than This Guy
Comedy show promoter: Miss! You dropped a dreadlock!
Black woman with dreadlocks: Where? (worriedly searches the ground)
Comedy show promoter, holding flyer in her face as looks up: Just kidding! You like comedy?
--Union Square
Reader Poll: Has the Shelf Life Expired on That Reference?
Film professor: So, as you can see, ads use many different types of targets to get you to buy their stuff. What do beer ads use to make you want beer?
Student: Twins!
--NYU
Overheard by: queenofscots
Translation: I'm Having an Outbreak
Gay #1: So how's the gay scene been treating you since you moved here?
Gay #2: Eh. City cock isn't really my type.
--Borough Hall
Overheard by: lusherz
That Joke Never Gets Old!
Man: What is iPod? What is laptop?
Girl with headphones, laughing: Good one!
Man: What is iPod? What is laptop?
--B Train
Like When He Was 2 and He Still Didn't Know About Santa
Hot nerdy girl: Like that one time when I was 11, and I got in trouble for telling Kevin that there's bacteria in yogurt and he started crying. Like, ugh, its not my fault you raised him to be so oblivious.
Hipster friend: Yeah, he was like 6 or something, he shoulda known dat shit by then.
--66th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Robert
The Republic Of Jeans Isn't a Democracy, Chuckie
Dad to kids on freezing day: Who wants to go in this jeans store to get warm?
Preteen girl: I love jeans!
Slightly younger girl: I love jeans!
Little brother: I hate jeans! (starts to cry)
--Broadway & Spring St
Shish Kanish Is That Falafel Place Over on Third
10-year-old white boy: Mom, you know what I'm wondering?
Mom: No, what?
10-year-old: What does "shish kanish" mean?
Mom, staring at him: What the hell are you talking about?
10-year-old: In that song by Shakira it says she makes a man wanna "shish kanish."
Mom, shaking head: "Speak Spanish," Cory. She made a man wanna speak Spanish. Shit, you ain't never gonna be a singer.
--Tenement Museum
Overheard by: Excuse me while I kiss this guy
Rumpelstiltskin's Had a Bad Year
Lady conductor: What's your problem?! Are you bored? You crossed the magic line!
Man conductor: Yeah...
Lady conductor: You crossed the magic line! He crossed the magic line!
--NJ Transit
Gangstas, Inc. Still Hasn't Learned to Hold Private Staff Meetings
Girl on train: Excuse me, don't touch my bag.
Young thug: I am just tryin to close your zipper.
Girl: Yeah, and then you take my wallet!
Thug: Why you think I am gonna take yo wallet? Because I'm black?
Girl: No, because I heard you tell your friend "I'imma steal this bitch's wallet."
Thug: Oh.
--A Train
And If That Doesn't Work, We'll Tell Him Jesus Hates Drinkers!
Small girl, seeing drunken man reeling down the street: Daddy, what's wrong with that man?
Father: I think he's just drunk a bit too much beer.
Small girl: Hannah's daddy likes beer.
Father: Yes, but if you drink too much of it, it can make you fall down.
Small girl: We should tell him!
Father: I think he probably knows.
Small girl: He might not!
--Times Square
Now Let's Go Find Obama's Ancestors
Little boy to mom at Native American exhibit: Oh! Weapons!
Mom: Yeah, those are weapons, but we don't like them because they hurt people and are used during wars.
Little boy: President Bush started a war!
Mom: Yes he did, and that's why we don't like him.
--The Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Hanna!
What It Lacks in Wilderness It Makes Up for in Jungle Print
Girl: I don't understand how they can still film Survivor. Haven't they run out of desolated islands by now?
Guy: Long Island?
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: cnol
So Put That in Your Pipe and Smoke It
Annoyed commuter: Shut up, you jobless crackhead piece of shit!
Crackhead: Fuck you, man, I got a job! I sell crack.
--A Train
I Also Would Have Accepted "Furry" or "Bouncey"
Well-heeled mother: Now, what do we call little baby kangaroos?
Four-year-old boy: Marsupials!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: hells kitchen dweller
So...Here?
Mom: So, what's your third-favorite place in the world?
Young daughter: I just burped.
Mom: That's nice.
--103rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Special K
His Ignorance Is the Elephant in the Room.
Gangster kid #1: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Gangster kid #2: No! Yo, fuck democracy, I'm a Republican!
--Midtown
Which People in New York Have Been on Board with for Years
Girl watching trailers: Okay, what is it with all the rodent-themed movies lately?
Suit: Yeah, I noticed that, too!
Girl: I think it's Disney's attempt to get everyone on board with pestilence as the new world order.
--Empire 25 Theater
They're Essentially Running Around Barefoot, Rubbing Sticks Together for Fire
Curly teen: Did you see that guy with tattoos all over his face? Do you think he's allowed above 14th Street?
Brunette teen: I think he can get to 23rd without too much damage.
Curly teen: No way, Chelsea is too classy to handle that.
Brunette teen: Not really. They did just open up a Chipotle.
--Union Square
...Just Like Guitar Hero.
Guy #1: Mario and Luigi are so Mexican.
Guy #2: What?! Are you crazy? They're Italian, duh!
Guy #1: No, but they've got the mustache, you know? That's so Mexican!
Guy #2: No, they have Italian mustaches!
Guy #1: Psst, you do know what the whole point of the game is, right?
Guy #2: Yeah, these two Italian guys go and save some kidnapped princess.
Guy #1: Really? I thought it was about two Mexicans trying to hop the border.
--Chambers & Greenwich
Overheard by: Milo
Judaism Often Happens Without Warning in New York
Concerned woman: I just worry that the Messiah will come and I won't be Jewish yet.
Friend: Mmm...
Concerned woman: I mean, I just really hope I'm Jewish by next Yom Kippur.
Friend: Yeah.
--F Train
Overheard by: dee
You Should Hear Their Rendition Of "Baby Got Back"
Little girl: I like to (inabudible)! I like to (inaudible)!
Asian nanny, singing: I like to move it, move it! I like to move it, move it!
--Church & White St
Overheard by: OUch Eezy
Just Like Les Mis!
40-something hyperactive preppy/golfer tourist: Hey! How's it going?! Where are you from?
40-something regular guy: Seattle. You?
40-something hyperactive preppy/golfer tourist: Newport Beach, California! What are you off to do?
40-something regular guy: Dinner and some drinks with friends. You?
40-something hyperactive preppy/golfer tourist: Me and a buddy are going to take mushrooms and go see Young Frankenstein for the third time! It's hilarious when you're high!
--Elevator, Sheraton Hotel
My Casseroles Just Taste Like Boogers, Sweetie
Mother to son: Timmy, stop eating your boogers! It's disgusting!
Timmy: But it's tasty! You should try it too!
Mother, whispering: Oh, shit.
--Chelsea
No One Took Little Hannibal Seriously Until It Was Too Late
Dad to four-year-old throwing tantrum: I'm gonna take off your shoes and tickle your feet.
Four-year-old boy: Then I'm gonna punch you!
Dad: Then I'm gonna throw your shoes into the street.
Four-year-old boy: Then I'm gonna...eat your...penis!
--Outside Lucali's Pizza, Carroll Gardens
Overheard by: Frankie
Did You Even Study for This Exam?
Teen #1: I'm a thug.
Teen #2: You ain't a thug. You got one minute to tell me why you a thug.
Teen #1, stammering: One, um, once an old lady asked me for some change at the bus stop and I slapped her.
Teen #2: That makes you a pussy, not a thug, nigga. 50 seconds...
--Bx8 Bus
We Know Why You Love the Romantic Period, Perv.
Student, after professor played Chopin: Oh, miss, that was beautiful, can you play that again?
Professor: Sure.
Student: Oh, damn! You are nastier than I thought!
--Lehman College
Overheard by: emm
Let's Leave This Heathen Town Before It Eats Us Alive!
Old tourist: They have a monorail here now.
Older tourist: A what?
Old tourist: A monorail.
Older tourist: A monorail?
Old tourist: A monorail.
Older tourist: Jesus.
--JFK
Overheard by: zoviet
On the Other Hand, It Happens to the Best Of Us.
Gay guy with fohawk: I was so drunk I had to leave. I was so afraid something was going to happen and I was going to wake up and be like, "shit! I fucked a girl!"
Girl: Damn!
--FIT
We Can Stare at It While We Ignore the Teachers
Teacher: You have to know this or else it looks like your going to summer school.
Student #1: Summer school?
Student #2: Summer school. It ain't so bad, I'll be there. There's a pool next to it.
--PS 7
Tomorrow's Lesson: The Boston Red Sox
Toddler, pointing to the Bronx on subway map: What?
Father: Yeah! That's the Bronx, baby girl! Yankee stadium. Better than the Mets and you best not forget! The Mets suck! The Yankees stink, but the Mets suck.
--L Train
Or Cornish Game Hen, When We Feel Like Slummin' It
Mom #1, noting a pigeon: Cute bird!
Boy: Hm. Birds.
Mom #2: We, for instance, eat birds. What kind of birds do we eat?
Boy: Quail!
--5th Ave, Park Slope
Next Time Be a Little More Sensitive, My Dot-Headed Friend.
Indian guy: No homo!
Black guy: Man, "no homo" is wrong. That's like a white person saying, "yo, word up?" and a black guy saying, "no negro!" (pause) Shit's fucked up.
--Columbia University
At the Procreation Quarterfinals, There Was No Winner.
Girl #1: So this is gonna be his fourth! So I told Malek, he shouldn't made me get rid of my baby because then I woulda been ahead of that bitch! Damn!
Girl #2: Yeah, I hear you...
--137th & Broadway
C'mon, We Can't Learn Anything in There
Tourist: I'm sorry, this may be a dumb question, but is this the Museum of Natural History?
Guard: This is the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
Tourist: Damn it!
--The Metropolitan Museum of Art
Overheard by: WeeFee
I Need Tight Jeans to Stabilize My Pelvis
Girl #1: I wish someone would tie my pubic bone back together.
Girl #2: don't you mean your "pelvic" bone?
Girl #1: No dude, it's definitely my pubic bone that's all shifted.
--Urban Outfitters, 14th & 6th
Are You Now, or Have You Ever Been, a Member Of the Communist Party?
20-something woman: Do you have decaffeinated tea?
Waitress: Yes.
20-something woman: Does it have caffeine in it?
Waitress: No?
--86th & York
Overheard by: Silently Amused
And Can't Afford Cocaine
Manhattan girl: Ugh. Things are so slow in Brooklyn!
Manhattan boy: The bank is faster in Manhattan, stores are faster, everything is so much faster.
Manhattan girl: Right, they couldn't afford to be this slow.
Manhattan boy: Well, it's cuz the population here is less educated.
--Walgreens, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Matthew K. Johnson
That's Girl Talk for "Get Off My Hair, Dude!"
Teenage guy #1: Well, how do you know that she... Ya know?
Teenage guy #2: Well, she moaned.
Teenage guy #1: What did it sound like?
Teenage guy #2: Uuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhh.
--33rd & 5th
Now Let Me Hear You Say "Sphincter Says What?"
NYU smart ass: Well, I know that Milwaukee had two socialist senators.
Professor: You learned that from Wayne's World! Ha!
--NYU Classroom
And the Wig Is Just a Little Something I'm Trying Out
Gay Asian man: Sorry I sound like a drag queen today.
Girl: Are you sick?
Gay Asian man: Oh no, it's hangover voice.
--FIT
Overheard by: Rins
If the U.S. Census Were Administered This Way, We Might Actually Complete It
Crazy man on subway: Now that its almost the weekend, it is once again time for me to share my knowledge. Now, how many people here have seen the Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones feature film Men in Black?
75-year-old British man: Oh, this will be wonderful. Very scientific.
--E Train
Oh Wait-- That's John Goodman.
Cute girlfriend: Seriously? You take me to a sports bar for brunch? I'm the only chick in here!
Boyfriend, pointing to a girl sitting at the bar: Look, there is another vagina in here.
Cute girlfriend: Yeah, she's ugly: she has to like sports.
Boyfriend: Well...I guess that's kinda true.
--Mr Biggs Bar, Hell's Kitchen
The Moo Goo Gai Pancakes Will Be Out in a Moment
Chinese waitress, serving food: Chicken Lo Mein?
Teen guy: Chicken oatmeal?
Chinese waitress: Yes.
--St Mark's Place
Overheard by: jamie
Headline by: RaindanceRichard
Runners-Up:
· "Ancient Chinese Secret, Huh?" - re-thinking my breakfast options
· "Avant-Garde Asian Cuisine Was Born Of Language Barriers" - Benjamin
· "Breakfast Of Beijing Olympic Champions" - Morning Glory
· "Lunch Special #27, Peking Duck Pop Tarts" - Bridie
· "Thats What We Call "Blunch"" - amandÅ
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
God: Didn't I Issue a Commandment Against That?
Guy #1: Did you hear that Beyonce is playing Eartha Kitt in a biopic?
Guy #2: What the fuck? Are you serious? I need to get in contact with god!
Guy #1: Yeah, I think we are in our last days, like old people say.
--5th Ave b/w 18th & 19th St
Sometimes We All Get Together and Play Trivial Pursuit
Chonga #1: I never said I was goin out wit him, we just went places together. I wouldn't say I was goin out wit a married man...
Chonga #2: Mmmm-hmmm.
Chonga #1: At least I not da only ho!
--J Train
Straight Guys Love to Hear About My Dick
Black hipster to gangsta friend: Nigga, when I come here I feel like I'm surrounded by Jackie Chan.
Gangsta friend: My dick looks like Jackie Chan.
Black hipster: Man, why you always gotta talk about yo dick?
Gangsta friend: What are you nigga, a faggot?
--Chinatown
The White Devil's Wednesday One-Liners
Older black man to nobody in particular: Ain't nothin' done changed in two-hundred years! White folks is still goin' round makin' a mess and then makin' a black man come in and clean up after them...
--Post Office, Gun Hill & Jerome, The Bronx
Asian girl: Do white people eat sandwiches for dinner?
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Spec
Black teen girl: If a sister is feeding a white bitch, you know she is fucked up.
--T.G.I. Friday's
Overheard by: Chris K
Black chick: But can a Frenchman be a honky?
--Park Slope, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Hunter
Linguistically savvy hobo: The term "cracker" originated from a man named Robert Whitely. It was used to refer to people as "white trash".
--37th & 3rd
Latina woman to elderly mother: We gonna find you a seat soon, mami. If I gotta beat up white bitches... Let's go.
--3rd & 1st
Overheard by: j
Young Urban Professional Wednesday One-Liners
Yuppie screenwriter girl: So I was a very precocious child. Or whatever, y'know. And I just wanted to explore that dynamic a little bit? Basically it's a buddy picture between the little me and the big me.
--14th & 8th
Yuppie woman: And what do I say to that? "I have a smack habit, give me money"!
--St. Mark's Place
Yuppie man: If I hear "breast milk cupcakes" one more time...
--Outside Gotham Bar and Grill
Yuppie, thoughtfully: It's not the mustard, it's what the mustard represents!
--Food Emporium, 2nd Ave
The People's Republic of Wednesday One-Liners
Wasp woman, looking at Asian Peoples exhibit: Oh, honey, look, that woman looks just like that woman at that Chinese food place we like!
--Museum of Natrual History
Overheard by: Heather
Older man to Chinese friend: You know, Caucasians really can't tell the difference between the Asians and the Chinese.
--23rd St b/w 5th & 6th Ave
Overheard by: James
Burly bouncer to burnt-out groupie: Don't think of it as a finger, think of it as an Asian penis.
--11th & 3rd
Tourist on cell: I think I'm heading towards Little Italy, but all I see are Chinese people. I feel like fuckin' Marco Polo. Fuck man, where are you? (trips on curb and falls into pile of trash bags)
--Canal St
Giggling 20-something: So we hired a new intern, and she's Asian!
--Murray Hill
Overheard by: sab
Wednesday One-Liners Would Like Some Privacy, Please
Professional-sounding female on cell in bathroom stall: What? (sounds of toilet paper roll) In the bathroom? No! (indignantly) I...I'm...near the bathroom!
--Women's Bathroom, FAO Schwartz
Overheard by: near the computer
Girl to friend in bathroom stall: That crack in the door is big enough for me to see the crack of 'yo ass.
--Women's Bathroom, Hunter College
Man exiting bathroom stall to waiting man: No, no, no. Feces.
--Grand Central Station
Overheard by: matt
Black loud cleaning lady to Asian woman: Excuse me, miss? Why you gotta be leaving the seat up? You always leave the seat up! Putting the seat up is okay, but if you put it up, put it down!
--Ladies Room, LIRR
Overheard by: BK
Guy on cell in toilet stall: Now I am unbuckling my belt. (pause) Now I am unzipping my pants. (pause) Now I am pulling down my pants. (pause) Now I am pulling down my underwear. (pause) Now I am sitting down.
--Men's Room, Billy Elliott
Old guy peeing in a urinal, with childlike delight and glee: Wheeeee! Wheeeeeeeeee! Wooooooooooooo! Wheeeeeeeee!
--Men's Room, McDonald's
Wednesday One-Liners Are Just Browsing
Flamboyant foreigner: I changed my MySpace to say I like girls.
--Washington Square Park
Suit on cell: I'm gonna twitter my fucking ass off tonight.
--City Hall
Overheard by: Samantha Sharifi
Girl on cell: Do they not have people in the US that follow the Blue Book? They have to get some guy from Oxford butt fuck to do it? It's so annoying. It's so annoying! Like, I want to take a strap on and fuck my computer. Well, not my computer, but the guy's computer, for having done this to me.
--11th St & 5th Ave
Middle aged African American woman to group of friends: I'm going on MySpace to comment that she abandoned her child!
--8th Ave & 42nd St
Businesswoman to friend: I just like having a family, you know? And you can't get that on Craigslist.
--33rd St.
Overheard by: Rio
High school girl with iPod: Do you think this church has Wi-Fi?
--St. Paul's Catholic Church
Oh, Get Your Mind Out Of the Wednesday One-Liner!
Angry bus driver: Get out of my rear. Get out of my rear.
--Q44 Bus
Overheard by: This is why men do not give birth
Law professor, pulling out a cough drop: Sorry guys, if I don't suck on this, I just won't make it.
--CUNY Law School
Overheard by: That's what she said
Chemistry teacher: No, it's really warm here. (pause) Feel my test-tube.
--Stuyvesant High School
Large black lady to girlfriend: I'm not gonna let him put his babbaganush in my peace pipe!
--Houston St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: ian has a face
Loud woman on cell: Yes, he stuck it up my right one, and when it was halfway in, I was like "ow, you need to take it out!" and then he stuck it up my left one, and I felt no discomfort!
--72nd & 2nd
Old lady to another: So is there an oral tradition in your family then?
--86th & Broadway
Overheard by: Frenchie
Wednesday One-Liners Are a Household Name
English teacher, telling student how to read play: Brian, you're like Martin Luther King meets 50 Cent!
--English Class, Bronx HS of Science
Overheard by: Lillian
Woman answering cell on bus: You saw Beyoncé? (everyone stares) Sorry. Did you say, "Hi, fiancée," or "I saw Beyoncé"?"
--126 Bus
Loud fat hipster chick: So she said I'm like Britney Spears with Lindsay Lohan's body, because my weight fluctuates like Lohan's. And I'm okay with that, because you know what? Lohan is a great celebrity. I mean, look, Kate Winslet is lovely and all, but what is she doing tonight? Sitting on a couch somewhere, drinking moderately probably. What is Lohan doing? Probably something really gay and coked up. I'd rather be gay and coked up than drinking moderately on a couch, any day of the week.
--Duane Reade
Overheard by: Jas
Metal kid: I smell like Robert Downey, Jr.
--Don Pedro's, Boerum & Manhattan, Brooklyn
Overheard by: LP
Hobo: I always thought Madonna was a trashy white cunt.
--Restaurant Row
Overheard by: Al-master
Guy to girl: You know, I'm sure you're a wonderful lover, and you don't need to be comparing yourself to Lance Armstrong. Like, that's just a fool's game.
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Helena
With Wednesday One-Liners Like These, Who Needs Enemies?
Guy pouring himself cup of coffee to guy watching: You and I just really need to have a huge fight. I think that's the only way we can truly be friends.
--Fox News Breakroom
Overheard by: CreateEvity
College girl on cell: I'm a real-life imaginary friend to two different people.
--Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Am I Imaginary?
Soft-spoken thug on cell: I don't want to upset my baby momma, but I don't want to lose you as a friend.
--123rd & Broadway
Overheard by: EthanK
Girl on phone: His name isn't CJ, it's JP. He wants to be friends with me, I'm gonna friend the heck outta him!
--Lafayette & White
Loud gay guy: So he asks me, "are we still just friends?" and I'm like, "umm, your dick was just in my mouth. Thats not what just friends do."
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Ricardo the Sex Machine
Suit to hot chick: So what's your take on the bottled water companies? Friend or foe?
--Odeon, Thomas & Broadway
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
A Smorgashboard Of Wednesday One-Liners
Woman to man: I know! I don't fry anything. I don't even fry my food anymore.
--47th & 6th
Overheard by: A very disturbed Newsbunny
Old Jewish woman to husband holding restaurant leftovers: It's a sin to waste that food. You could send it to Israel!
--Upper West Side
Overheard by: What a waste!
Preppy guy: At least *I'm* not the one molesting fictional cereal pitchmen.
--Park Slope, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ladle
Girl on cell, talking loudly: I don't know what I want, but whatever I want, I want French fries with it.
--John St
Preppy girl on cell: Do they study eggs? (pause) Eggs! (pause) Do they study eggs?
--Times Square
Female new student to boyfriend: You have to stop with this whole burrito-is-a-dick thing.
--6th Ave & 13th St
Overheard by: Catie
Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle Of Wednesday One-Liner!
Dude in full garb on Halloween, clearly losing the argument to his friends: But it's not a foreign object to a pirate!
--East Village
Overheard by: chris k
Girl wearing duct tape cat ears on the fountain in Columbus Circle: I have been crowned the pirate queen!
--Columbus Circle
Guy in business casual to woman in business casual: Yeah, that's the thing about parrots. If they smell smoke and you open their cage, they are outta there. Screw that pirate.
--Uptown 3 Train
Young woman on cell: Those pirates are soooo thin.
--9th Ave & 47th St
Don't Hate the Wednesday One-Liner, Hate the Game
(a pigeon flies up to a rambling bike messenger)
Bike messenger: Hey, bird. Whadda ya say? How you doing? You play baseball? What position? First base? Third? Catcher?
--47th & Madison
Ditzy teen on cell: Why can't they, like, have two footballs instead so both teams could score?
--Doctor's Office, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Robert Gleyberman
Professor: Did I tell you guys I'm getting into professional wrestling?
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Didn't want the details
Guy to another, screaming at the top of his lungs: It's fucking field hockey! It's a girl's sport! Why are you even on the team?! You make me sick!
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Scott Jurkowski
Train conductor, announcing stop: Willets point, Shea Stadium...home of that *other* team.
--Willets Point, Queens
Overheard by: Random Asian Chick
There's a Thin Line Between Love and Wednesday One-Liners
Professor: I hate that bitch so much, I will give you all As for this semester if you sabotage her class.
--Classroom, NYU
Overheard by: queenofscots
Four-year-old boy to mom holding up newspaper clipping of female model: I can't use this, I hate women!
--Union Square
Overheard by: amused
Little blonde girl sitting at table with parents: I hate everyone!
--48th St & 30th Ave
Overheard by: kteezy
Loud girl to man at the counter: Hey, what are you looking at me like that for? (man at the counter shakes head) You know damn well what I am talking about...I love you too. (pause) Nawwww, just kidding...I hate your stinky ass.
--Deli, Nostrand Ave & Kings Highway
Small boy, gleefully: I hate Joe the plumber. Joe, Joe, Joe...I hate Joe.
--Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: me too...
Thug Air Flight Attendants Will Cut a Bitch
Thugette flight attendant, yelling as plane is about to take off: Sir! Turn off yo laptop!
Suit: (holds cord to show it's not plugged in)
Thugette flight attendant: Uh-uh! I can see the reflection in yo glasses.
Suit: (takes off headphones)
Thugette flight attendant: I saaaaid I can see the reflection in yo glasses, turn yo laptop off, turn it off, turn it oooooooooooooff!
Suit: (shuts laptop)
--Small Commuter Plane Leaving JFK
Girls Are Actually More About the Dew Point
Tall awkward white dude: So you mean to tell me you never question your sexuality?
Girl, shaking her head slowly: No.
Tall awkward white dude: I mean, it's not like it's conscience. It's like a barometer thing: when you meet someone, you just respond.
--7 Train
Rockette Auditions Are the Stuff Of Nightmare
Girl: It smells like vagina.
Guy: No, it smells like vaseline or something.
Girl: Really? It smells like ass.
--Radio City
Overheard by:
They're 100% Cannabis
Guy #1: I don't remember how to sleep anymore, and I don't even do drugs. No cocaine, nothing.
Guy #2: (blank stare)
Guy #1: Well enough about me, how do you like my shoes?
--7th St & Ave B
Overheard by: Peter
Ogrerotica!
Dude: So what have you been up to lately?
Gay friend: Oh, nothing. (pause) Oh! I've been writing a book about Shrek!
--48th & 8th
Overheard by: Cori
Shhh! Don't You Know Where We Are?
Woman #1, washing her hands: So I went to see Cirque du Soleil the other night.
Woman #2, in a stall: Really?
Woman #1: And this guy is doing this whole routine with chairs. He just had a whole mess of chairs, and he was balancing them on each other, and he was sometimes balancing on them too.
Woman #2: Ok...
Woman #1: And it made me realize, I really appreciate chairs. I just fucking hate Cirque du Soleil.
--Ladies' Room, Bowery Poetry Club
Overheard by: also a fan
Kyle Gets Payback for Mom's Gaydar Remark
Five-year-old boy: I have nipples! Look! I have nipples!
Mother: Yes, you do.
Five-year-old boy: I have breasts!
Mother: No, boys don't have breasts.
Five-year-old boy: Neither do you!
--Old Navy, Chelsea
...That Was You?
Hipster guy #1: Last night I started fighting with someone.
Hipster guy #2: Are you serious? I'm always fighting other people. Cause y'know, that's the only thing you can do besides kiss them.
Hipster guy #2: This one time I accidentally kissed someone and I was like "eewwwww".
Hipster guy #1: Ewww.
--Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: What the hell were they talking about?
And I Put a Blanket Over the Gin-Filled Kiddie Pool
Mother: I swear, the next time you're late coming to see me... I mean, I'll give you five minutes and then I'm gone.
Daughter: I couldn't help it. They were doing room inspections and I had to stick around.
Mother: Room inspections?
Daughter: Yeah, they come around and check your rooms, make sure there's like no lights or no alcohol.
Mother: What about the alcohol I gave you?
Daughter: They don't open drawers.
--Pizza Place near Columbia University
...He Does Want Extra Cheese.
Old guy on mountain bike: (makes Chewbacca-like noise into the service window of a pizzeria)
Unseen person across the street: (same noise)
Old guy on bike to pizzeria worker: See?
--5th Ave, Sunset Park
Overheard by: B. Clothman
Luckily I Had Some Weed to Give Him
Student in line: So I usually get delivery from this other place, they deliver anything anytime.
Friend: Really? Sounds good, I should go there.
Student: Yeah, they'll deliver newspapers and Chinese food and burgers at 3 am. Sometimes they get it wrong, though, like once the delivery guy came and just tried to stuff a wad of cash into my hand.
Friend, clearly not listening: Hmm...
--Broadway & 115th
Overheard by: tell me more...
Thank Goodness That's in Style This Season
Red jacket: You know he texted me from Mexico like five times since he's been there?
Mauve jacket: Oh my! It costs so much to text from there! It's like 75 cents per text!
Red jacket: I don't know why. I made it quite obvious I wasn't interested. He should spend that money on match.com!
Mauve jacket: You are so wrong.
--Greene & W 4th
Why Bands Break Up: Explained
Band member #1: I'm feeling a little like Calvin and Hobbes with this cardboard time machine here.
Band member #2: I don't know what you're talking about.
--Ars Nova, W 54th St
Overheard by: Emily B.
Love Means Never Having to Say "I'm Puking"
Spanish thug #1: I'm all about love, man, but I never say it, like, I loved my ex.
Spanish thug #2: What is love? And not the general meaning of it.
Spanish thug #1: It's like feeling sick to your stomach. (pause) Right?
Spanish thug #2: Yeah, that's good.
--Q27 Bus
Overheard by: trying to read in peace
Then My Answer Is "Miasma"
Man #1: What's with this girl Desriree?
Man #2: (pauses, thinking)
Man #1: Come on, it's a yes or no question!
--Club, Ave B
Are You Saying They're Bad News and Full Of Splooge?
Stressed woman, on the verge of tears: She thinks because she's fourteen she can come home whenever she wants and treat me however she wants!
Male friend: Kids are young, dumb, and full of cum!
Stressed woman: True, dat.
--E Train
Overheard by: Luis
So at Least You Got Unlimited Salad and Breadsticks Out Of the Deal
Male NYU student #1: Like a deer caught in the headlights--he just wanted to have sex.
Male NYU student #2: I love the Olive Garden, though.
--Waverly & Greene
We'll Wear Pleated Khakis and Have Sex With Women for All Eternity
Gay guy #1: I shouldn't have told them about it.
Gay guy #2: Oh, don't feel bad. We're both going to hell anyway.
--1 Train
You Should See How I Dance in My Music Video!
Blond chick: I think, like, great artists are always awkward.
Random Indian guy: I'm not awkward.
--Bleecker b/w 6th & 7th Ave
Overheard by: catsandgnomes
Isn't That a Gateway Drink?
Nerdy NYU freshman #1: Have you ever had a screwdriver?
Nerdy NYU freshman #2: What's that? Is that alcohol?
Nerdy NYU freshman #1: It's alcohol. But, it's orange juice. It tastes like orange juice with alcohol in it. So good.
--3rd Ave & 14th St
Do IT Guys Have Any Social Skills?
Loud chick: When gully's really hungry, he'll be like, "rowr! rowr!" And then he'll bite my leg.
--Hudson & Houston
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
...to Buy Chocolate and Alcohol
Granddaughter: I spy... Grandma... You have to listen...I spy with my little eye, something that helps adults.
Mother: Chocolate.
Grandmother: Alcohol.
Granddaughter: No! Bank of America!
Mother: That helps adults?
--7th & Broadway
Headline by: Botticus
Runners-Up:
· "...In THIS Economy?!" - Pablo & Pablo
· "I Slept Wth a Teller Once" - Yoli
· "If by Help, You Mean Fuck and by Adults, You Mean Shareholders...Then, Well Played" - cmm
· "Sure, That's the Third Person They Helped Off the Floor & Gave a Tissue Too" - tatts
· "Well, Maybe Not Where YOU Go, but I Get Mani-Pedis Everytime I Go There" - Anthony
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
The Lost Jo Dialogue from Facts Of Life
Ghetto girl #1: I'ma fuck her up! I'ma cut that bitch!
Ghetto boy: You gon' kill her?
Ghetto girl #1: Nah, I'ma cut her!
Ghetto girl #2: You can't do that, thas' ya ex!
Ghetto girl #1: Exactly! Thas' why I'ma fuck her up. She broke up with me!
--G Train
Holy Crap-- That's My Other Fetish!
African pedestrian, checking out hot Asian girl: Hello.
Hot Asian girl, listening to iPod: Hi. (looks at pedestrian quizzically)
African pedestrian: Konichiwa. (smiles creepily at her)
Hot Asian girl: No inglés. (looks back at her iPod)
--Penn Station
Overheard by: ABC
God Bless the LIRR
30-something guy: Have you ever shot an AK-47?
40-something girl: Oh my god, yes!
30-something guy: How did it feel?
40-something girl: Pulling that trigger... It's amazing.
30-something guy: Getting punched in the face hurts. Have you ever gotten punched in the face?
40-something girl: Yes! When did you?
30-something guy: It was one of those "wrong place at the wrong time" situations... I was on the corner of this street and all of a sudden someone just came up and started punching me. It hurt really badly. Have you ever tried punching a bird?
--LIRR
Overheard by: Francesca
NYC Rules Require at Least One Person to Drop the F-Bomb
Hot hippie chick: Excuse me, you need a hand?
Old blind man: Nah, I'm just getting to the n train. Thanks so much, though!
Hot hippie chick: Alright, you have a great day!
Blind man: Same to you!
Overlooking suit to friend: Nice New Yorkers...they just blow my mind.
--Union Square Subway Station
I Dunno-- He's Wearing Mittens
Random guy peeing in the corner to girl walking by: Hey girl, I like your scarf. I'd like to make love to you, but you could keep the scarf on. Keep the scarf on when we make love.
Girl's friend: He'd probably use it to choke you.
--14th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Julia
Planned Parenthood, Dear Reader. Seriously.
Mom to crying baby: Oh my god, shut the hell up!
--Q Train
Overheard by: Jay
...When You Stop Hanging Around With Me
Girl #1: What did your astrologer say?
Girl #2: She said I will meet my husband in the next year. He's 6'4" with salt-and-pepper hair. He has a title but he's not lawyer.
Girl #1: Yeah...and he's a billionaire?
Girl #2: He's not a billionaire but he does well for himself. Oh, also he's French but he speaks seven languages.
Girl #2: Did she say anything about me?
Girl #1: She said your life is gonna go from shitty to alright.
--Holiday Cocktail Lounge, St Mark's & 2nd
Overheard by: wax
Though We Wouldn't Be Able to Charge As Much for Admission
Water polo boy #1: Entertain me!
Water polo boy #2: Dude, why don't we just naked wrestle! (pause) Or we could wrestle with clothes on?
--Edward's Parade, Fordham University
How to Get Your Child Chased with Torches, in One Easy Step
Five-year-old girl, watching NYU protest: Mommy, what is going on?
Mom: Oh. it's just kids who don't want to pay for tuition.
Five-year-old girl, screaming to protesters: Pay your tuition!
--NYU
How You Know It's Time to Distract Your Child with Ice Cream
Small boy: So abortion isn't like killing, it's like stopping?
Small boy's mother: Yes, honey...it's all very complicated, but, some people think that a baby can't be killed when it's inside the womb because it's not really a baby yet.
Small boy: So, it's not a baby till it's out?
Small boy's mother: That's right.
Small boy: And then we can kill them?
--M103 Bus
Overheard by: Lilly
For When the Interviewer Asks Why They Should Hire Me
Passenger to Asian girl carrying strange bag: Is that a didgeridoo in your bag?
Asian girl: Excuse me?
Passenger: Is that a didgeridoo in you bag?
Asian girl: Oh no, it's my sword.
--Elevator, 39th St
Overheard by: Baby Dinosaur
Trust Me-- I've Thought About This a Lot.
Crazy guy, about Scottish Deerhounds: See, they've got personality. They're enjoying themselves. They've got four legs, but we say we're smarter? I wish I had four legs.
German owner of Deerhounds: Then you couldn't open doors.
Crazy guy: But what if one of my front paws had a hand? Then I could open doors.
--Marcus Garvey Dog Run, 120th St & Madison Ave
Overheard by: anna
I Think I've Seen This Seinfeld Episode...
Young Jewish guy #1: You know how you're allowed to make jokes about 9/11 if you're from New York?
Young Jewish guy #2: Yeah, totally. You're definitely allowed to do that.
Young Jewish guy #1: Exactly. It's just like a Jew being able to make a joke about the Holocaust.
Young Jewish guy #2: Of course. It's like a rite of passage or something.
--Pier 3, Brooklyn
Which Is How New York Gets Its New Livers
(older woman falls and younger woman helps her put on her shoes)
Older woman, surprised: Oh! Wow, thank you so much!
Young lady: Yeah, well... I'm a transplant.
--Columbus Circle
Are People Still Talking About This?
Guy #1: No, step one is cut a hole in the box.
Guy #2: Oh, yeah, I guess if you did it the other way around it would be kind of dangerous.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Patrick
I'm Almost Done With That, Too
Guy: Maybe we get a whiteboard so you list out that day's issues before we get on the subway.
Girl: I'm done talking.
Guy: We weren't talking: you were making statements of what I do wrong.
--N Train
Squirrel: Bitch, I Will Fuck You Up
Tourist girl #1: Oh, look! There's a squirrel over there!
Tourist girl #2: Uh, yeah. We have those at home, you know.
--Central Park
Besides, Isn't the Rectum the Faggot Spot?
Guido #1, outside gay bar, putting arm around another: Are you aware that this is the faggot spot?
Guido #2: Get the fuck off me, man!
--Union Square
Overheard by: amused
Or Chicken Soup for My Shin Splints
Jogger #1: I heard some really good advice the other day. Apparently, the key to life is running and reading.
Jogger #2: Who said that?
Jogger #1: I think it was either Will Smith or Barack Obama.
--E Train
Overheard by: Philips
No Commercials
Preacher on street corner: Jesus is the only one that can save you!
Man sitting nearby: This is so much better than Comedy Central.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Spazz
I Prefer to Think That He Jumped Out Of a Cake and Yelled "Surprise!"
Foreign TA: I don't understand why they use the egg for Easter.
American TA: Oh, it doesn't really have anything to do with Easter, we just appropriated pagan rituals.
Foreign TA: I thought Easter is when Jesus was reborn.
American TA: It is.
Foreign TA: I thought maybe he was reborn out of an egg.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: MCLD
I See We're Keeping It Real
Teenage girl #1: We are getting older and going through puberty, we have a lot of new stuff to learn.
Teenage girl #2: Yeah, like you just taught me about keefing, or what was it queefing? Yeah, queefing.
--Central Park
The Cutest Quote We've Had in a While
Thug, cradling very small pit bull puppy: Oh man, I can't be bothered to train him to be tough. He's gonna be a cuddly mothafucka.
Girl, cradling different puppy: Word.
--L Train
Your Editors Aren't Eating Pizza in Brooklyn 'til We Sort This Out
Friend: Where's that pizza from?
Stroller dad: Tony's*.
Friend: Oh, Tony's*.
Stroller dad: Yeah. We named our rabbit Tony*.
Friend: Because it poops all the time?
Stroller dad: Yeah.
--Bar, Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn
Not Flock-of-Seagulls at All!
Rushed girl to friend: Oh, it's 10:58, just going to make it. PS, Wendy, your hair looks great running!
--Elevator, 55th & 3rd
Overheard by: James Allen
What-Would-Jesus-Paint Parties Are Big in Williamsburg
Boy: It's like Jesus Christ, or Jackson Pollock.
Girl: Do you, like, know the people at this party we're going to?
--Union & Metropolitan, Williamsburg
Next to the Great Pyramid
British teen: My god, Americans are so stupid. And they're everywhere.
British mom: Oh, darling... I know, bloody morons. So stupid.
(a block later)
British teen: Mum, where's the Empire State Building?
British mom: Oh honey, that's in Chicago.
--7th and 48th
...God, I Miss Her.
Buff 20-something black guy: Yeah, she was that one I was going out with last summer.
Tall 30-something black guy: So what happened?
Buff younger black guy: She got fat! In like two weeks! And also, she was cheating on me: she never told me she hadn't broken up with her boyfriend at the time!
--Planet Sushi, Amsterdam Ave
Overheard by: Susan Volchok