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June 2009 Archives
The Babushkas Are Just for Style
Teacher, looking at photo: Ahhh, was this taken in Russia?
Student: No, that's Coney Island.
--Stuyvesant High School
Are You Sure One's Not Just a Teeny Bit More British?
Hipster guy: I can never tell the difference between Ralph Fiennes and Raif Fiennes.
Hipster girl: That's because they're the same person.
--W Train
Overheard by: Andrew
Meet the Chubby Elle Woods
Girl to boyfriend mocking her for not swiping credit card properly: Ken! Don't you dare make fun of me!! I've had a really hard day!
Ken: Why? What happened?
Girl, choking: I failed my mid-terms. (suddenly swipes her card angrily) All I want right now is my Cosmopolitan and candy bar. That's all I ask of life!
--Store, 59th St & Lexington
Overheard by: Frank S
Oh, I Wouldn't Go That Far
Dude: So I was like, "Whoa!"
Chick: And then I was like, "Whoa!"
Dude: And then we were both like, "Whoa!"
--Caesar's Bay, Brooklyn
And Straight!
14-year-old Mexican girl #1: I might start telling people he's my son, instead of my little brother.
14-year-old Mexican girl #2: Why would you want to do that?
14-year-old Mexican girl #1: Because then guys will think I'm easy!
--N Train
I Thought You Meant It Metaphorically
Angry male #1: She's sixteen years old, you fuck! Sixteen!
Angry male #2: Well, I didn't know that!
Female: I told you last night!
--3rd Ave & 11th St
Overheard by: heard this from the 8th floor
When In Doubt, Disguise Yourself As Daniel Powter
Old Italian cop to Jamaican dude he just pulled over: Sir, have you been drinking tonight?
Jamaican dude: Me love you lately.
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: Only in Brooklyn
I Wasn't Always a Security Guard, Y'know
Girl selling at bake sale #1: This is so stupid. No one wants anything.
Security guard: That's cause you're doin' it all wrong.
Girl selling at bake sale #2: Oh yeah? What should we do?
Security guard: Next person that passes, be like "Yo! I got your brownie!" then when they come over, give it to them and be like "Aight, that's two dollars."
--Manhattan College, The Bronx
Ever Feel Like There's Less Mystery in the Gay Dating Scene?
Drunk guy #1: Don't take this the wrong way, but I really want to take you home tonight.
Drunk guy #2: How am I supposed to take that?
Drunk guy #1, seriously: In the ass.
--F Train
Alanis Is Not Alone In Her Misunderstanding Of Irony
Girl #1: I think I'm gonna cut his class today.
Girl #2: Yeah, me too, it's just going to be some dumb lesson on women's rights.
--Frank Sinatra High School
The Deeply Stupid Are Immune to Sarcasm
Customer to employee: Excuse me, are these zucchini?
Employee: No, they're pickles.
Customer: Are you sure? They look like zucchini!
Employee: Yes, they're pickles.
Customer: Oh. (pause) Do they taste like zucchini?
Employee, after long pause: Yes. Yeah...pickles tastes like zucchini.
--Balducci's Restaurant
I Can't Keep Up with You Crunchy Hippies
Customer: Excuse me, do you know where the croutons are?
Whole Foods maintenance guy: Croutons? That some kind of vegetable or something?
--Whole Foods, Houston St
And I Remembered That Story About the Milk and the Cow
Female undergrad #1: How was your first date with that new guy?
Female undergrad #2: Really great! I must really like him, because I didn't sleep with him.
--NYU
"Hold My Johnson" Is Up in Chelsea
Woman in Santa Claus costume, looking lost: Excuse me, honey, do you live around here?
Girl: Yeah.
Woman in Santa Claus costume: Do you know where there's a bar called Johnson, or Hold My Johnson, or something?
Girl, laughing: Johnson's? It's right across the street.
--Rivington St
Overheard by: hahahaha
Translation: "Just Google It, You Lazy Ho."
Girl to cashier: Do you have any locations in North Carolina?
Cashier to girl: No, we only have locations on the East and West coasts.
--Store, Grand Central
Wait a Minute-- Are You the Creepy Guy?
Annoyed woman: And then there's that one guy, that creepy guy who's always harassing me.
Confused man: Who?
Annoyed woman: That guy, he's really pale.
Confused man: Oh, is this the albino guy?
Annoyed: No, no, the albino guy is cool. It's that film student.
Confused man: The guy who works at Anderson's?
Annoyed woman: No, that's the other one. He's all right, that guy's all right.
--R Train
Overheard by: Hannah
That, and They're Grateful to Date a Black Guy
Black girl on stoop #1: What is the difference between us and white girls?
Black girl on stoop #2: They roll joints?
--16th St & Irving
Overheard by: Kristin
Would You Like One, Though?
Duane Reade cashier: Do you have a club card?
Crazy hobo: No, I don't have a club card. I work my way through this life. I don't need nobody doin' me no favors. A favor is like a handjob. I don't need one.
--Duane Reade
Not All Babies Should Be Photographed
Girl, looking at friend's cell phone: What is that?
Friend: A baby!
Girl: Oh, I thought it was chicken. It looks like a barbecued chicken.
--4 Train
Don McLean: Eeeexcellent!
Group of teens, singing very loudly: Bye, bye, miss American pie, drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry...
Girl teen: We're a cult!
--Columbus Circle
All Those Years in the Taffy Pull Have Finally Paid Off!
College bro #1: Yo, Troy! Guess who got voted biggest dick on campus?
College bro #2: I dunno, dude...
College bro #1, interjecting: You, man! High five!
--Fordham University
Forty-Year-Old Wirgins
Asian guy #1: Dude, the Wii is so much better than the Cube.
Asian guy #2: No, the Cube is so much better!
Asian guy #3: Yeah, the Cube has so much more power, and the dynamics of the graphics...
Asian guy #2, interrupting: The graphics! They are soooo awesome!
Asian guy #1: Hey, guys? Why are we talking about video games?
Asian guy #3: Because we're boys.
Asian guy #2: Nah...because we're Asian.
Asian guy #3: Dude, if I could be Colossus it would be sooo cool, cuz I wouldn't have to wear my glasses anymore!
--Downtown 6 Train
Overheard by: Emma
Headline by: Doc Dan
Runners-Up:
· "And Have an Undersized Metal Penis!" - Patrick
· "Every Asian Girl´s Parents´ Wet Dream!" - Ria
· "It Was at This Moment Kim Jong-il Selected His Son to Be His Successor" - What about NES?
· "Somewhere, the Mutant Sunspot Is Gently Weeping" - wirrrn
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Cleverly Camouflaged by Sweet-Sounding Synthesizers
Goth girl: I'm not going to lie, I love the new Britney album.
Brunette friend: What? You like Britney?
Goth girl: Yeah. I have a dark side, you know.
--5th Ave & 13th St
Glenn Close: Now That's Crazy
Black woman: Girl, I be crazy!
Friend: I know!
Black woman: I mean, that nigga break up with me, and I just start in with the rip-rip-rip, and I tore up his clothes, and his furs, right?
Friend: Right!
Black woman: And then he come home, and that nigga be cryin'! And I'm like, "No furs, no car, no nothin! You thought it was over? Now it's over!"
Friend: Yeah!
Black woman: And he can't do nothin' to me--I'll have his ass thrown in jail, you know. And then get him ass-raped.
Friend: What?
Black woman: Yeah, my dad's in prison. How about that, nigga? I put your ass in jail, then I get you ass-raped!
Friend: You are one crazy bitch!
Black woman: You know it! All right honey, here's the subway, gotta go, love you!
--4 Train
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
He Won't Leave the House Without Product in His Fur
Salesperson to customer with small dog: You know that we now have pet products?
Customer: Yes, he's using them already.
Salesperson: Oh, he looks great!
--Kiehls, 3rd Ave & 13th St
Overheard by: David Feldman
Interesting Placement Of the Nuts, Though.
Old white guy #1, examining model building with acorn-topped pillars: They look like penises.
Old white guy #2: Yep.
--New York Botanical Gardens
Overheard by: that's what she said?
...And Try Smoking Her Fern Again.
Girl #1: I've got some really good pot at home.
Girl #2: Nah, let's just go to my mom's house.
--Temple of Dendur, The Metropolitan Museum of Art
Overheard by: Thanks for looking at the paintings
Which Is Why Your Name Is "Suburban"
Four-year-old girl: Daddy, you love your Bourbon, don't you?
Embarrassed dad: Sh, sweetie...daddy's car is called a "Suburban."
--Kings Plaza Mall
I Feel Smarter Just Being Here
Gay guy, going through Miro exhibit: Are these paintings still Miro's?
Blonde hag: Oh no, I don't think so. It says here they're Pastel's.
--MoMA
And This Time I'll Make It Talk in a Really Creepy Voice
20-something year old girl: So you just sat with the dead baby for six months?
20-something year old guy: I told you not to talk about this in public, you'll be sitting right next to it if you keep bringing him up around people.
--Applebee's
Overheard by: Emily
A Double, If You Know What I Mean
Girl #1: Thank god we are in singles next year.
Girl #2: Yeah, I'm getting a vibrator.
--Barnard College
And I Can Obey the No-Two-Straight-Guys-in-a-Stall Rule
Guy #1: Yo, come over here! This toilet's flush is the hardest I've ever seen!
Guy #2: Nah, it's okay! I can just go into this one and do the same thing. (flushes) Yeah, that's it!
--AMC Theatre Men's Room
At Last, My Life's Goal Has Been Realized.
Older woman #1: How much do you sweat?
Older woman #2: I can smell myself!
--Great Lawn
Overheard by: Riding a Bike on this Path
I Prefer to Think Of What I Do As Panhandling Express
Black guy wearing North Face: Listen up, people! I'ma need some money to buy a coat, cuz it's freezin out there! This coat that I'm wearin' ain't mine, it's my friend's. So I'ma need some money to buy a coat...yo, what stop is this?
Asian kid: Times Square.
Black guy: Okay...if you want to donate, you can't. Cause I gotta go, man.
--1 Train
Nor the Laws Of Time and Space
Tourist #1, looking at subway exits: North side or south side?
Tourist #2: What's the difference?
Tourist #1: Well north is north...and south is south.
(both look from one exit to the next and look at each other)
Passing New Yorker: Are you going uptown or downtown?
Tourist #1, thinking: Hmmmm....west.
New yorker: West of 8th...but uptown or downtown? West side of what street?
Tourist #1: Hmm... West side of...23rd Street?
New Yorker, walking away: You don't know what the hell you're doing.
--23rd St
I'm Assuming by Then You'll Want to Hurt Your Partner's Feelings
NYU guy #1: Dude, when you die, can I have your Argyle?
NYU guy #2: What, you mean this?
NYU guy #1: Yeah. I mean, I just really like Argyle and I can't seem to find any good sweaters these days. So, like...could I have it?
NYU guy #2: Dude, sure!
NYU guy #1: But don't like try to die just to give it to me. I can wait a while. I think if you just put in your will something like, "and I bequeath my awesome Argyll to my friend" that should do it.
--8th St & Univerisity Place
Overheard by: Argyll Lover
Jesus Isn't Always the Answer, Y'know
NYU journalism professor: Okay, so who invented the European letter press in the 15th century?
Attentive female student in the back: Jesus!
(TA giggles)
--NYU
She Should Marry a Nice Doctor.
Old Jewish woman #1: Amy Winehouse...she sounds like a nice Jewish girl.
Old Jewish woman #2: I don't think she's going to live very long.
--Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Annex
Overheard by: Rachel
Grease!
Lady: What Broadway show is this?
Little girl: This ain't no Broadway show, it's McDonald's.
Lady, laughing: Oh. Well, it looks just like that Broadway show next door.
--McDonald's, Times Square
Overheard by: Shana
Now Hug That Hobo and Smile!
Girl with camera to group of friends: No, get in front of the train tracks so I can take a picture!
Friend: We look like such tourists.
Girl with camera: No, I swear, if I lived here, I'd take pictures all the time.
--Lower East Side
Overheard by: Benny
The Two Kinds Of New Yorkers: Encapsulated.
Thin 20-something: Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.
Heavier friend: Unless you melt some mozzarella on it!
--BBQ, The Bronx
Americans Think TV's the Answer to Everything
Pretty young woman #1: It was an accident...
Pretty young woman #2, yelling: You threw a fucking television at me, while I was crying over my dead chinchilla! I was grieving! How could you?
--Ghandi Resteraunt, 1st Ave
Overheard by: Danielle Lenore
The Prelude to the Greatest Romance Of Our Time
Gay man: You know, I have finally come to accept my sexuality.
Woman: Oh, that's good!
Gay man: I'm not even afraid to tell the world: Hey everyone! I like men!
Overhearing hobo, with a hopeful smile: Hey! Me too!
--Times Square
Overheard by: hobos are around at the strangest times
What's a White Kid Go for These Days, Anyway?
Dorky little white kid: What happens if I fall in the tracks?
Dorky white dad: I guess I'd have to buy a new kid.
Dorky little white kid: That's beastin'!
--Q Train
Overheard by: that *is* beastin'
Every Hunter Longs to Become the Hunted
Teenage girl: So I'm getting better at hooking up with guys and not getting attached! I hooked up with Jake last week, and I don't feel anything at all!
Friend: Yeah, but that's not hard. He's, like, impossible to get attached to. We need to find you a challenge. Who's really cute and cuddly?
Random old man walking in front of them: Pick me, pick me!
--Port Authority Bus Terminal
Overheard by: cute and cuddly
And the Vicious Anti-Nineties Backlash
Female grad student: We can't go that way. People were stabbed over there.
Male grad student: Oh, that's only because of the Seinfeld diner.
--116th St & Broadway
Eventually Monologues Become Dialogues
Girl #1: I love masturbating.
Girl #2: Yeah, I totally love touching my vagina!
--Sultana Hookah Bar
Overheard by: rich
Remind Him to Pick Up My Dry Cleaning While You're at It.
Middle-aged rich woman: Do you want to have time to have dinner tonight, honey?
Middle-aged rich man: How the hell should I know? Call my assistant!
Middle-aged rich woman: The next time I call your assistant will be the day after I've just fucked him.
--72nd St & Madison Ave
Overheard by: felix
Poisonous Food Exports, Notwithstanding
Young black guy with flyers: Flyer?
Young Asian girl: No, thanks. (walks away)
Young black guy with flyers, yelling: Aw, c'mon! I like China people!
--Times Square
Overheard by: ellie
Wanting to Eat Your Veggies Makes Us All Look Bad
Hyper kid to mom, loudly: Where is my veggie soup!? (repeats it several times)
Grumpy old dude: Shut the fuck up, kid!
(general laughter)
--Deli, 57th St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: gunnarsix
Careful-- She's a Nunja
Drunk girl: Hey, you know that girl over there?
Sober friend: Yeah.
Drunk girl: She's... She's a virgin... In all ways.
--F Train
I'm Beginning to Worry You Won't Fit in with My Friends
Girl: Why do you fuck a sheep at the edge of a cliff? (waits) So the sheep pushes back.
Guy: I don't get it.
Girl: Do I have to explain sheep-fucking to you?!
--Prince & Mercer
Overheard by: Thiess
I Like to Braid It Using Only My Tongue
Woman with strong Southern accent: I am gonna have her bachelorette party in my apartment next weekend.
Husband: (nods)
Woman: But the goddamn stripper won't return my phone calls.
(waitress brings shots)
Woman: What is this?
Waitress: Tequila, on us.
Woman: This'll put hair on my boobies.
Husband's friends: That's just how he likes it.
Husband: (nods)
--Brother Jimmy's BBQ, Upper West Side
Only If You'll Indulge My Peter O'Toole Impression
Professor: When would be a good day for our review session?
Student: How about Friday?
Professor: Nope, sorry. Friday I'm gonna get my drink on!
Student: Can we have it in the bar?
--NYU
Was That Before or After the Ghostbusters Took Over the Statue Of Liberty?
Girl: Ohhhh, this is the building that King Kong climbed up, right?
Guy: Yeah.
Girl: Wow. That would have been so scary to live here when that happened!
--In Line for Elevator at Empire State Building
Overheard by: Bella
Whatever He Says, He's Thinking "Oh, Fuck You"
Man walking north: Hi!
Woman in leather pants walking south: Oh! It's you. My ass has been pinched six times today, so I'm not really into people right now, but how are you?
--81st & 3rd
For Some Reason, I Keep Ordering Things That Aren't On It
Friend #1: So how is your husband?
Friend #2: For some reason I keep on sleeping with his best friend.
Friend #1: What!
Friend #2: Yeah girl...I'm leaving him. So what do you want to order from the menu?
--Restaurant Queens
It's Like She Can Hear Everything I Say to You
Woman on train to loud Puerto Rican woman on cell: Excuse me, can you please lower your voice?
Puerto Rican woman, into cell: This bitch just asked me to lower my voice!
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: Emily
Eat This-- It'll Be Hanukah in Your Mouth!
Little boy: When will it be Hanukkah?
Dad: Not for a while.
Little boy: But I'm begging you for Hanukkah.
Dad: You got some time until it's Hanukkah, buddy.
Little boy: Now you'll never get me a present!
Dad: (begins to leave with the little boy)
Little boy: I am not moving until it's Hanukkah!
--Bagel Shop, The Village
Overheard by: wilpon
Next Thing I Know You'll Be Putting My Baby in the Corner!
Black woman with baby, after being pushed by white woman entering crowded subway: Do you not see the baby?
White woman: Yes, I saw the baby!
Black woman: No, you didn't, because you were pushing your titties on the baby!
(white woman ignores her)
Black woman to man next to her: You! Get yo ass out of my baby's face!
--F Train
Overheard by: What's a sombrero?
Though Then We Could Definitely Fulfill Our Dream Of Getting on Cirque Du Soleil
Mother to grown daughter, as they huddle together: It's freezing!
(after a few minutes)
Mother: You're not warm yet?
Daughter: I'd be a lot warmer if I crawled up your crotch. (laughs)
Mother: You can't crawl up mommy's crotch anymore, now can you? You're too big!
--LIRR
Like When My Girlfriend Said She's Slept with 3 Dozen People
Professor, holding up student's essay: This person made over three dozen grammatical errors on their essay.
Student, to another next to him: Oh my god...that means twelve!
--John Jay College
Overheard by: Erica
Weirdest. Bris. Ever.
Dark-haired coed: So, oh my gosh! Wait! How big was it?
Blonde coed: Uhhh, yeah, oh...he was actually pretty small. Like, I only felt it, but...
Dark-haired coed: Oh my gosh! So, like, how small was it? Like a tootsie roll, or a cat's tail, or...
Blonde coed: Umm...I guess it could've been...maybe a tiny bit thicker than a cat tail. But, really, it was so so small and thin.
--FIT
Now Try That While Drinking a Glass Of Water
Conductor: If you want to go to Far Rockaway, you need to get off the train. (now in female voice) But why, conductor? (in normal voice) Cause it's the last stop you can do that. (pause) This is the train to L-L-L-L-L-L-Lefferts Blvd. Get off for Ffffffaaaaaarrrr Rockaway.
--A Train
Overheard by: Lonley Laugher
Never Met a Buppie Before?
Girl ordering patties: I'd like a beef and a veggie patty.
Guy working at patty shop: Before I get those, I want to say you are beautiful. I bet you've heard that five times today.
Girl: Oh, thanks, I've just been working out for an hour. Well, I've been doing yoga.
Guy: Yoga? But you're black!
Girl: Black people do yoga, too!
--Jamaican Pride, Flatbush
Overheard by: Chris R.
I'd Ask Why You're Here, but My Eyes Are Getting Heavy
Guy trying to pick up girl: So where are you from?
Girl: Iowa.
Guy: Oh, man! My family and I almost moved there...but it sucked, so we moved to Florida instead.
Girl: Oh.
--Park Ave & 33rd St
Not While You Keep Tapping This
Suit guy: STD free for one month!
Suit girl: You know you're never really STD free, right?
--Downtown Brooklyn
Overheard by: Nate
It's My Own Fault for Serving Pulled Pork
White dude to black friend: Do you want to see my meat?
Asian dude, to no one in particular: You know, the stereotype isn't true. It isn't true!
Flustered party hostess: This is so not what I need to hear right now.
--W 11th St
...Even When She Chose Brandon Over Dylan?
Guy in suit #1: Damn, you know who is hot? Megan Fox. It's her attitude too. I mean, you know there is no way you could ever keep up with her.
Guy in suit #2: Bet that dude she's fucking from 90210 can't keep up.
Guy in suit #3: I was always a fan of Brenda.
Guy in suit #2: Really, I was more of Kelly.
Guy in suit #1: What the fuck?!
--86th St b/w 2nd & 3rd
Overheard by: 90s Nostalgia
Have You Been Talking to Grandma?
Small boy to grandfather schlepping packages: That's not the problem...you are!
Grandfather: I'm the problem?
Small boy, wailing: Yes!
--W 66th St
Overheard by: Suze V
So We Played Naked Charades and I Guessed It Right Away
Girl to friend: So, I found out that Jon has herpes and he never told me.
(friend looks at her in shock)
Girl: Not that kind of herpes, the other kind. But I talked to him about it. It's pretty funny, actually. But he didn't tell me. Well...we don't really talk about stuff like that.
--110th St & Broadway
Headline by: ikki nikki
Runners-Up:
· "...Until I Googled Valtrex, That Is" - keeps on giving
· "Genital Sores Tend to Speak for Themselves" - DCGeek
· "So Long As He Keeps It in His Ass, It Doesn't Affect Our Relationship" - BenGay
· "The Line for Guest Appearences on Maury Starts Here..." - John
· "We Don't Want Things to Get Too Simplex" - erak
· "Which Is Why He Doesn't Know About My Three Abortions" - Jesse
· "You Mean the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Kind Of Herpes?" - leoladie23
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Goldfish Go Through This on a Regular Basis
Girl #1, looking at notebook her friend gave her: Hey, that's a cool notebook!
Girl #2: It's yours, silly!
Girl #1: Oh, yeah!
--City College of New York
Overheard by: Just chilling around..
Actually, I Hear White Castle Is a Lot Better on the Way Out
Ghetto lady, about young, drunk yuppie throwing his guts up: Daaaamn, that shit's spicy.
Ghetto man to yuppie's girlfriend: You gonna tongue-kiss that nigga now?
--D Train
Overheard by: i bet it was thai
NewsFlash: New Yorker Has Car. Film at 11.
Bro #1: Hey man, you alright?
Bro #2: (vomits in corner)
Bro #1: You good to drive?
Bro #2, slurring: Yeah...
Bro #1: You got some shit on your chin! (makes wiping motion)
--East Village
Overheard by: arf
Wednesday One-Liners Run the Other Underground Railroad
Conductor: This is the 3:07 off peak train to Huntington. Stopping at Woodside, Jamaica, New Hyde Park...blah, blah, blah, you get the idea. Watch the gap. (clicks microphone off)
--LIRR
Conductor: There's a 2 express train right across the platform. Ready, set, go!
--1 Train
Conductor: There's a Brighton Beach-bound b train across the platform. Say that three times fast.
--F Train
Overheard by: Thom Cohen
Conductor: Ladies and gentleman, I have a very important announcement: this is not the last helicopter out of Saigon. I repeat, this is not the last helicopter out of Saigon. There will be another train after this one, and another one after that.
--Downtown 2 Train
Train conductor: This message is for the young man who stepped to the edge of the platform at the front of the train. This train feels no pain, this train has no brain. How about you?
--Downtown A Train
Overheard by: Guitarbuyer
Bus driver: This is East 18th Street. If you get off here, you'll be at the q train faster. If you choose to not use your god-given walking ability, the q train is next.
--B11 Bus
Overheard by: not using her god given walking ability
Conductor: This is 96th Street. Next stop, 103rd. Everyone ready? And away we go!
--1 Train
Overheard by: Ali
Wednesday One-Lineups
Girl: I feel like she's really good at illegal stuff.
--34th & 9th
Overheard by: hellothere
Haggard-looking woman, screaming into cell: What? Now you're gettin' locked up and I am going to fucking prison now! Perfect! (sprints out of store)
--King Kullen, Staten Island
Preteen to another: So when you get arrested and your mom asks you where you were, you weren't with me.
--1st Ave & 16th
Overheard by: Wes Mantooth
Female teen to another: Yeah, that's what my dad got arrested for, too.
--Central Park
Teen boy on cell: I get a lot of shit from authority figures. Especially when I'm getting arrested.
--Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn
Overheard by: The Man(dy)
Wednesday One-Liners Aren't That Kind Of Streetwalker
Police officer to taxi driver: If you just hit one, the rest will scatter.
--Herald Square
Guy to girl, pushing her into the street: Anna versus car, who will win?
--E Houston & Ave D
Overheard by: haha
Tourist to New Yorker: You're not supposed to jaywalk!
--Herald Square
Chick to another: We didn't get hit by a car... Oh well, maybe next time.
--7th & 23rd
Overheard by: Stormy
Guy with stroller to passing car: You hit my baby, I'll take your car!
--Fordham & Hoffman
Overheard by: sromeo
Crossing guard, watching pedestrian cross in a hurry: My money's on the bus!
--Lower Manhattan
Overheard by: Steve
Wednesday One-Liners: Unclean! Unclean!
20-something female on cell: But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
--23rd St & 5th Ave
Customer, after placing order: ...with hardboiled eggs.
Gay waiter: Hardboiled eggs smell like dirty assholes, an I've seen a few dirty assholes.
--Denny's
Overheard by: student-19
Preppy guy on cell: No, dude! I don't know, like...like really dirty girls.
--86th & Lexington
Overheard by: Anne
12-year-old boy to mother: The bum, you know! The dirty man that plays with me.
--Forest Parkway
Overheard by: Jason A
Guy dancing on new lawn: This isn't even good grass! It's dirty, yo!
--Pratt Institute, Brooklyn
Wednesday One-Liners Admit Their Lives Have Become Unmanageable
Suit on cell: Never make any decisions after drinking two pitchers of beer. After the first one, I was like "okay, this is what I'm doing." But after the second one, I ended up as director of the D.C. United Way. At first, I wasn't too worried, because I figured they'd give me a drug test, and I knew I wouldn't pass.
--6 Train
Hopeful-looking guy to concerned-looking guy: Basically, you're not ready to be an alcoholic, so you should stay away from alcohol.
--Polk St
Girl to guy friend: She's a great drunk. She's probably one of the best people to hang out with when she's drunk.
--Pratt Institute
Overheard by: T
Hawker: It's happy hour! Come on up, and I'll watch your kids while you get drunk.
--Planet Hollywood
Girl, during lunch: I'm not drunk anymore!
--W 4th & University Place
Hugs, Not Wednesday One-Liners
20-something to friend: If I didn't do so many drugs, I could probably afford to go skiing and shit like that.
--Williamsburg
Art school student: If I can stop doing heroin, I can do anything!
--Outside School of Visual Arts
Tourist guy to tourist friends: Yeah, I remember when he went to school on shrooms, and then he went to the principal and told him that he was on shrooms.
--40th St & Madison Ave
Overheard by: Bones Jones
Father to daughter: Don't say "no" to drugs. Say "no, thank you."
--45th St & 5th Ave
Blonde Catholic schoolgirl: Maybe after we pop the E we'll roll over to 149th Street.
--Q88 Bus
Wednesday One-Liners Go Both Ways
Girl, to herself: What if my water breaks in an elevator? (laughs) Akwaaaaard!
--High School
Conductor, after announcement tone: By the way, this is not an elevator. Waving your bag in the door does absolutely nothing.
--6 Train
Overheard by: you tell 'em
Middle-aged woman, pushing "up" elevator button to another pushing "down" button: You know, I could never figure it out with elevators, do you press the button to tell the elevator to come to you, or do you press it to tell it where you want to go?
--Building, Midtown
Overheard by: Delish
Older usher at Empire State Building: Please step out of the elevator. And as Beyonce says, to the left. To the left!
--Empire State Building
Lady on cell, waiting in line: Oh really? Well, I had heard someone took a crap in a Manhattan elevator!
--Supermarket, The Bronx
What Did the Environment Ever Do for Wednesday One-Liners?
Recycling activist: I myself used to be a plastic bottle!
--Outside BLT Burger, 6th Ave
Overheard by: sromeo
Student: Why the fuck are people still building greenhouses if we have the greenhouse effect?
--Columbia University
20-something to friend: I don't understand the sudden concern about global warming...I mean, it's what happened at the end of the Ice Age!
--LaGuardia Community College, Long Island
Overheard by: lulah
Greenpeace worker: Hey! Do you fucking care about the environment?
--Washington Square Park
Greenpeace guy, with puppy dog face: Are you sad about the trees?
--78th St & Amsterdam
Overheard by: citysnidget
Wednesday One-Liners (No Homo)
Professor: Let's take a poll: who thinks I am gay?
--Lehman College
Flamboyant gay guy to butch gay guy: You, like, sneeze glitter. That's how gay you are!
--9th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: TR
Daughter to sobbing mother: Mom! Seriously, stop! I'm going to slap you. (mom continues sobbing) I'm not gay! Relax, okay?
--New Utrecht High School
Overheard by: Straight girl
Tween girl to friend: He's 17 years old and he doesn't have any kids? What? Is he gay?
--A Train
Teenage boy: Even if it's with a girl, it's still gay.
--L Train
Overheard by: Sean
Every Night, I Pray for More Wednesday One-Liners
Disgruntled MTA worker, to no one in particular: See? I don't like human beings all that much. I like animals, they mo' fo' real. (venomously) Y'all better be glad I'm not god.
--6 Train
30-something white guy to friends: I live in Mesopotamia, 'cause the gods are gangsta!
--W 83rd & Columbus Ave
Older MTA worker, comforting young passenger: GPS: Guidance, patience, strength. Give it over to god. Trust that motherfucker is going to handle it. Give me GPS and I can handle the rest!
--Union Square Subway Stop
Bag lady, drenched in rain: The joke's on you, god!
--9th St & University Place
20-something guy on phone: So then she tells me the reason my dad died is because god was trying to hurt me!
--Union Square
Overheard by: talker's remorse
30-something: I mean...he's a good looking guy, but then he found god.
--39th St
Poserday One-Liners
Random hipster: If David Bowie had wheels, how much would you pay to ride on him?
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: haxromana
Scrawny hipster dude to another: All I'm saying is: I want to be in a position where I'm not liking it, and I know he's not liking it either.
--Troutman & Evergreen
Overheard by: Kristen
Hipster: I was much more desperate in Chicago.
--6 Train
Hipster kid: I'm just afraid that my sweatshirt isn't edgy enough.
--SoundFix Records, Brooklyn
Overheard by: chelce
Teenager: He's having a hard time dealing with being a hipster.
--Columbus Circle
Wednesday One-Liners Have the Reich Stuff
Fat guy in telephone booth: Yeah, well, Hitler invented the Volkswagen bus.
--7th Ave & Waverly
Overheard by: Mark Martin
Woman in alpine hat to another: I was not about to drag your half-conscious ass around a concentration camp!
--Zum Schneider German Restaurant/Bar
Overheard by: Nella
Guy: Jury duty is like the Holocaust. They put you in line and march you into a strange room.
--Off The Wagon Restaurant
Overheard by: thankfully not jewish
Teen boy: Yeah, after I watched that movie I couldn't talk to German people at all. For like a month afterwards, every time I saw a person who looked German I was like, "you evil, evil Nazi!"
--Bull Statue, Bowling Green
Little boy to friends: And next year, we're going to assassinate Hitler!
--66th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Liz
My Ass Exceeds the Specifications for Tights, As Set Forth by the School Handbook
Girl #1: It's really warm, and I really want to take these pants off.
Girl #2: That shirt's long enough to cover your butt, and you're wearing tights under it, right?
Girl #1: Yeah, but still. I'm not white.
--Stuyvesant High School
...And Guess What Else Is This Big?
Skinny twink #1: I know that guy.
Skinny twink #2: You know her, that guy from the chorus, the concert-soloist, that guy who blew you at Splash, and now him! That makes the fifth person you've seen that you know, in less than an hour.
Skinny twink #1: Well, New York is this big! (holds up little finger)
Skinny twink #2: And you're a whore.
--Gay Restaurant, Hell's Kitchen
Overheard by: Eugene
...We'll Call Person B "Jamal"
Teacher, pointing to three figures on board: Now, greeny is on his computer sending an e-mail to reddy, who is on the phone with blacky.
Student: Blacky?
Teacher: Oh, dear. Person A is on the phone with person B...
--Millennium High School, Lower Manhattan
Overheard by: Adriana
T.G.I. Friday's: Explained
Girl #1: I just want to get laid!
Girl #2: Well, based on his texts, that's obviously not going to happen.
Girl #1, sighing: You're right...let's just get greasy drunk food.
--14th St & 2nd Ave
You Wouldn't Even Take One for the Team?
Guy#1: Dude, I asked you to do one thing: help me out and distract her friend.
Guy#2: Maybe you didn't notice, but her friend was a guy.
Guy#1: Yeah, and...
Guy#2: I am not gay!
Guy#1: Really?
--Mott St
Don't You Just Love the Pterodactyl Petting Zoo?
Teen #1, disappointed: Yo, she took me to the museum yesterday.
Teen #2: Whoa! This guy goes to museums! Which one?
Teen #1: Not the art one, the other one.
Teen #2: (puzzled silence)
Teen #1: There was like mad prehistoric animals and a big-ass whale and shit.
Teen #2: Oh...the zoo!
--6 Train
What the Fuck?
Girl: So I saw JT last night.
Friend: The guy with the ear-wax fetish?!
--Times Square
Overheard by: lilah
I'm Talking No-Beer-Goggles Cute
Drunk girl on phone: Yeah, so I decided that I'll go on a date with you. (pause) Well, I made out with some guy tonight and... (pause) No, I don't think he's cuter than you. He's not really cute at all!
Guy she made out with: Um, I'm right here.
Drunk girl: Shhhhhhhhhh, I'm setting up a date with a cute guy!
--1st Ave & 8th St
Overheard by: amused
Americans Prefer to Learn About Other Countries by Invading Them
Female yuppie, looking at cover of New York Times: Wow. Look at that picture!
Male yuppie: What is it?
Female yuppie: It's like, some Al Qaeda guy walking in the water with all his guns and stuff.
Male yuppie: Where is he?
Female yuppie: I don't know. Algeria?
Male yuppie: I didn't know there was water in Algeria.
--Crossroads Cafe, Brooklyn
At the Harvard Info Session, They Give You Unsolvable Rubik's Cubes
Stanford admissions officer: You'll need to submit either the act or the act as a part of your application.
Audience: (confused silence)
Audience member: You said "act" twice.
Stanford admissions officer: Sorry. Stanford will take your composite score from the act and break it down, looking at the individual components. If you choose to take the act with writing instead, we will look at your best composite score.
Kid, muttering to dad: Is this some kind of mind game?
--Morgan Stanley Headquarters, Stanford University Information Session
Overheard by: I swear I wasn't mishearing him say
That Doesn't Happen at Your Church?
Julliard student #1: And served it with the brains and everything...a whole chicken.
Julliard student #2: That's disgusting.
Julliard student #1: Yeah, it was sweet.
--Lincoln Center
Now Let's Go Look at the Sculpture Of the Little Boy Being Bathed by Pat Benatar
Old woman, looking at 19th Century European painting of a woman: She looks like someone I know...
Old man: Linda Ronstadt.
Old woman: Yes.
--Metropolitan Museum of Art
According to Nietzsche.
Guy #1, in long line to exit ball park: It smells like fart in here.
Guy #2: Yeah, but when you get this many people in this small a space, you're gonna smell some farts.
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: xplod
The Way New York Used to Be
Crazy guy, pointing to lady while addressing teenage girl: Are you friends with her?
Teen girl: No.
Crazy guy: No one is friends with each other anymore!
--Q46 Bus
Ah Well. Lake Of Hellfire It Is, Then!
Crazy preacher guy: If you think I'm not telling the truth, fine. But on Judgement Day you will pay for all those times you didn't go to church.
Passenger: Hey, it's Easter Sunday...shouldn't you be in church?
Crazy preacher guy: Oh, shit.
--1 Train
...Unless You're Going to Prank Call Her.
Disheveled middle aged man: You are drunk! You are drunk! You are drunk!
Drunk disheveled middle aged woman, leaning against car: Don't you ever call my mother on Mother's Day again.
--Washington Heights
Overheard by: Tess
Depends-- Will You Eat It Wearing That Shirt?
Ghetto guy #1: Yo man, you know what I want right now?
Ghetto guy #2: Pussy?
Ghetto guy #1: Naw man, one of those falafels.
Ghetto guy #2: Not pussy?
Ghetto guy #1, lifting hands up like scale: Man, falafel. Pussy. Pussy. Falafel. I'd take that falafel any day. (pause) Does that make me gay?
--Q Train
If I Could, I'd Gargle With It
Woman: Why you using all that Purell?
Man: I don't want no pig AIDS.
--Q Train
Overheard by: Ben Solomon
Just an Endless Conversation in a Big Room Full Of Chairs
Out-of-town girl: Is this a musical?
Parents: No... (mutters something unintelligible)
Out-of-town girl, flipping through Playbill: There's not even one song...
--Studio 54 Theater, Waiting for Waiting for Godot to Start
Overheard by: Jil
Besides, Mirrors Are Washable
Dude #1: Ew, bro, that's incest!
Dude #2, sheepishly: No, it's not...
--W 9th St & 5th Ave
Now Carmen Sandiego, Maybe I Could Help You With.
Very confused foreign man: Excuse me, excuse me, I have to find Duane Read.
Port Authority cop: (silence)
Very confused foreign man: Sir! I have to find Duane Read!
Port Authority cop: Who!?
Very confused foreign man: Duane Read!
Port Authority cop: Neva heard of 'im.
--Port Authority Bus Terminal
Overheard by: Hans in Brooklyn
Not When It's $100 for the First Ejaculation and $20 for Each Additional...
Young boy #1: But I can't hold it in!
Young boy #2: Just wait until we get to Grand Central.
Young boy #1: I can't, though. I got therapy. I'm into hitting people.
Young boy #2: And masturbating?
Young boy #1: Oh, yeah, masturbating. A lot.
Young boy #2: Man, therapy is the place to be!
--6 Train
Overheard by: pomy
Headline by: Roseknows
Runners-Up:
· "Every Session Has a Happy Ending!" - Derek
· "If Only I Had Issues.." - Moogley
· "It's the Best Place To, You Know, Let It All Out" - Lukas
· "Sometimes You Just Gotta Pound Something!" - Therapy
· "The Doctor Says the Final Treatment Is Something Called "Donkey Punching"" - Sodajerk
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
A Long Time Ago, Baby. Now Fuck Off.
White man: You going to church too?
Black woman: Yes.
White man: You know, I just started crying last week at service. It is so powerful.
Black woman: I know.
White man: I mean, our next President will be the last President before the Antichrist comes. Are you ready to be saved?
--Foster Ave & Marlborough Rd, Brooklyn
Especially Not Buffy Fans
Guy #1: Are you Xander with an x or Zander with a z?
Guy #2: An x.
Guy #1: Nobody likes a Xander with a z.
--Hunter College
Exactly Half
Hipster guy: And then we wandered down the street into Bed-Stuy, like into the projects, and these guys were screaming at us, like, "You in the wrong part of Brooklyn, white boys!" ...but Marcus is half black!
Hipster girl: Oh, so it's not entirely ironic when he freestyles?
--Hayden Residence Hall, NYU
White Bread, but Still
Freshman girl #1: Oh my god! Bread! My bread!
Freshman girl #2: Wait...what...? Oh, yeah! Bread! I love you, bread!
Freshman girl #1: Oh, bread. You're my bread.
--114th St & Broadway
Overheard by: pomy
That's Just Springtime in New York, Sweetie
Drunk woman: You smell like shit!
Sober 20-something: I took a shower after I went to the gym.
Drunk woman: Did you shower in shit?
Sober 20-something: No.
Drunk woman: Oh.
(pause)
Drunk woman: Are you sure?
--Lafayette & Houston
Overheard by: Luke
Wait, Don't Spoil It for Me!
Girlfriend: What's the movie Milk about?
Boyfriend: Gay guy.
--Video Store, Astoria
New Yorkers Never Look at You, Anyway
Man carrying camera and subway map: Do you think we look like tourists?
Woman carrying huge fanny packs, dead serious: No, I think we look okay.
--N Train
If It Tastes Like Shit/ It's Easier to Quit
20-something guy, reading cigarette pack: "Light" does not mean safer. It refers to taste. Lights wont help you quit smoking.
Friend: Uh, alright. Let me get a pack of ultra lights.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Jack Straw
I Don't Like Where This Is Going
Older bag lady: How do you think mayor Bloomberg got so rich?
Woman with baby in stroller: I don't know. How?
Older bag lady: You think by being a slut?
Woman with baby stroller: Maybe.
Older bag lady: How do you think Oprah Winfrey got so rich?
Woman with baby in stroller: I don't know.
Older bag lady: You think by being a slut?
--Union Square
Overheard by: floridasunshine
Why You Gotta Be Ignorant All Your Life?
Gangsta #1: Yo, before meiosis shit's gotta do DNA replication.
Gangsta #2: What you talkin about? It just splits in fuckin half.
Gangsta #1: Nigga, you dumb.
--Downtown 4 Train
Overheard by: I Love Biology
For Emily, Wherever This Quote May Find Her
Guy on cell talking loudly: Where the fuck are you, Emily? (pause) Are you shopping? Don't lie to me, Emily! I will come over there and fucking beat the dogshit out of you. (pause) I don't care if I go to jail, it will be worth it to slap your lying ass around. (pause) You don't buy me shit, Emily. Do you buy me my underwear? No! Do you buy me socks? No! I do. What about all those purses and shoes you have? Me!
Random Dominican teenage girl: Damn, Emily really don't buy him nothing.
--Lucky Star Bus
Overheard by: chinatown bus traveler
Don't Even Ask Her About "Heigh Ho, Heigh Ho"
Dopey guy: Oh yeah, Phenomena!
Girlfriend: No, it's "mahna mahna"... The Muppets, right?
Dopey guy: But I always thought it was "Phenomena"! Like...Phenomenon.
Girlfriend: No. (sighs)
--Subway, 29th St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Jane
Or Whose Slogan Is "A Gay President in 2084"?
Small blonde woman, pointing at pink enamel elephant pin for sale: That's cute.
Shopping companion: Yeah, do we know any Republicans with either breast cancer or the DTS?
--Housing Works, Hudson & 10th St
Why Frazzled-Looking Ladies Make Excellent Drug Mules
Cop doing random bag checks to young woman rushing through station: Excuse me, ma'm...
Young woman: (glances at cop)
Cop, backing up: Oh, you're in a hurry. (turns around, woman keeps running, bag unchecked)
--F Train
To Be Fair, It Was X-Treme Chess
Cashier chick: Yeah, I'm not sporty at all.
Hot cashier guy with snakebites: Oh, yeah, me either, the only sport I've ever played was chess.
--Urban Outfitters Store, NoHo
Overheard by: doesn't know how to play chess.
They Make Me Mad Horny!
Thuggy white girl: I don't know why she complaining so much, I mean, they don't hurt that bad.
Skater chick: She just bein' a drama queen.
Thuggy white girl: I know! I mean...everybody got crabs.
--E 9th St & 2nd Ave
...While I Wipe Off the Tears on My Sleeve
Promoter, stopping friends: Hey! You guys look like pretty awesome people!
Friend #1: Nah, we're really not.
Friend #2: Yeah, we're actually pretty lame.
Promoter: Well, you at least like kids, right?
Friend #1: No. I fucking hate kids. They're terrible. I punch them all the time.
Promoter: Haha. Well, what about animals?
Friend #1: Nope. I hate them too...especially kittens and puppies. I punch them too. I do the double punch. Kids and puppies at the same time. (starts punching the air violently with both of her fists)
Promoter: Okay then. You guys have a nice day...
--Union Square
Overheard by: hj
Yup. I Could Tell from That Nauseated Look on Your Face.
Woman #1 in elevator: Why aren't you wearing a jacket? You're going to be freezing!
Woman #2: I don't need one. It's because I'm fat.
Woman #1: (silence)
Woman #2: You know it's true. You're not saying anything because you know I'm fat. Most people would say, "No, no, no. You're not fat!" but you're not saying that because you think I'm fat. Think about it.
Woman #1: I'm thinking about it.
--39th St
Aren't You Glad We Can Talk Like This?
Tween kid: Dude, my mom wants to buy a fucking cow, and she's gonna put it on our apartment roof. (laughs) Thats her "dream" of a farm. I fucking hope she's kidding.
Tween friend: Dude, have you ever tried capers on Cheez-Its?
--Queens
Thin Crust, Then?
Cashier to black man coming in with brochures and clipboard: Sir, we don't allow soliciting in here.
Black solicitor: I ain't Sicilian!
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Holly
When They Do, It's Terrifying
Southern tourist #1: Where are you folks from?
Southern tourist #2: North Carolina.
Southern tourist #1: I'm from Virginia. I could tell you're from the South too because you're smiling. Northerners don't smile.
--45th St & Broadway
Overheard by: unsmiling new yorker
...When You Could Just Send Out a Nice Save-the-date Card.
Construction worker #1: I just don't get Facebook.
Construction worker #2: Me either. I don't get why you would need to tell anyone, "Hey! I'm scratching my balls right now."
--Lincoln Plaza
Do You Mind? This Is a Primate Conversation.
Somewhat large woman: And then the orangutan started totally groping me!
Passerby, stopping: You've got my attention.
--7th St & 1st Ave
Pending a Lawsuit from the Llamas
Little girl, talking to Rite-Aid employee: How many letters are there in the alphabet?
Rite-Aid employee: Hmm...let's see. Right now? Right now...24.
Little girl: Aren't there 26?
Rite-Aid employee: Actually there used to be 26, but they took away two.
Little girl: Which ones?
Rite-Aid employee: The ch and the double l.
--Rite-Aid, 86th St
Overheard by: Marie Ziskin
The Multicultural Odd Couple Is a Lot Edgier Than the Original
White teen, grabbing heavy-looking computer monitor from black teen: Fuck, just give it to me, you whiner. You're going to drop it and we'll be screwed, you fucking baby.
Black teen: Bitch, chill, what has been with you lately? Lately you've been acting like you got your white boy period.
White teen: Really. Really. Look at me, look at what I'm carrying. Don't fucking talk to me right now.
Black teen: Definitely, white boy period.
--6th Ave & W 12th St
That, and the Monkeys at Busch Gardens Have Cannons for Arms
Old Park Ave husband: Now this is what the weather is supposed to be.
Old Park Ave wife: Yes. Not too hot, not below zero.
Old Park Ave husband: One of many reasons why Florida is a shit show.
--Park Ave & 61st St
Overheard by: JayHammy
While I'm Coming, I'm Like, "Heeeere's Johnny!"
Guy #1: I jack off and eat at the same time! It's easy!
Guy #2: What? How can you do that? That's gross!
Guy #1: I do it all the time! One hand on my pizza and the other on Johnny!
Guy #2: TMI!
--4 Train
Overheard by: Olee
When You Have to Spend All Day with 4-Year-Olds, You'll Understand.
Preschool teacher to large group of four-year-olds passing laundromat: I'm going to throw you in those washing machines!
Four-year-olds, shrieking: Nooooooo!
--Astoria Park
Overheard by: Natalie
You Are Welcome to Hit on Me
Thug: Hey! (gestures to Asian worker behind counter at convenience store) You look good, man.
Asian worker, in thick foreign accent: What? What you say to me?
Thug: I said, you look good.
Asian worker: What, what you saying to me?
Thug: Keep doing whatever you're doing, man. (leaves store)
Asian worker, dropping accent: Fuckin' crackahs. (sees white girl waiting at counter) Oh, shit, sorry, not you.
--Myrtle Ave & Classon Ave, Brooklyn
That's Exactly What My Plastic Surgeon Said!
Girl to friend: Oh my god, your boobs have gotten so big!
Friend: Thanks!
Girl: Yeah, it's like now no one has to even look at your face.
--6 Train
"Uh-Oh, SpaghettiOs!"-- the NYC Version
Woman: Open up my pants, and what do you find?
Man: Bing-bong, it's chlamydia!
--E Train
Overheard by: HappyCamper
Preferably Someplace with Cameras
Girl #1: I will not touch your chest on a crowded subway.
Girl #2: Some other place, then.
--4 Train
I Always Appreciate Good Classical Form
Girl #1: Did you see those two homeless men fighting by the subway?
Girl #2: I know! That was horrible!
Girl #1: Yeah. I was rooting for the guy in blue.
Girl #2: Really? I was going for the other one.
--Chelsea
You Seem to Have a Gift, My Friend
(lady with 12-15 hula hoops walks onto subway and sits across a sleepy hobo)
Hobo, surprised: Oh! Why you have all those hula hoops?
Hula hoop lady: Oh, well, I'm a professional hula hooper...seriously!
Hobo: Nah, nah, I see it.
Hula hoop lady: I teach a class with hula hoops.
Hobo: Yeah... (very matter-of-fact) I see the physicality of it. (Hobo gets up and does a gyrating hula hooping motion for five seconds)
Hula hoop lady: Yeah, people really get into it.
--L Train
Overheard by: Rock the Red Sock
Takes Time to Get Used to the Vestigial Tail, Though
Girl: Why do you like her so much?
Guy: She's just so weird-looking!
--NYU
We Should Probably Stop Hauling Them Around in Duffel Bags
Girl #1: Did that cab smell like something to you?
Girl #2: Yeah, it smelled like burgers.
Girl #1: I was going to say smelled like the refugees.
Girl #2: What the fuck?
--44th & 9th
Overheard by: penny
"...Do You Think I'm Pretty?"
Girl high school senior: He's so very uncomfortable that he makes everyone else uncomfortable with his discomfortability.
Boy high school senior: He's very in possession of his femininity.
Girl high school senior: You have no idea how much time he's spent crying to me about that. "Everyone thinks I'm gay. I don't know what I am. No, I'm not gay! Definitely not!"
--Downtown 6 Train
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
For Shezzle?
Jappy yeshiva girl #1: So I really wanted those boots, but I couldn't find them online for less than $190, but then I found them for $110, so I just bought them and told my nana to just take $100 out of my allowance. But she was like, "no, it's okay."
Jappy yeshiva girl #2: That's so nice.
Jappy yeshiva girl #1: I know, and I was like, "but nana, you said the market was really bad right now!"
Jappy yeshiva girl #2: What does your nana do?
Jappy yeshiva girl #1: She embezzles.
--Starbucks, 29th & Park Ave
Overheard by: little barista in the big city
Same As the Hits We Just Took.
Guy #1, with thick Long Island accent: What is the plural for "coffee"?
Guy #2: Just put an "s" on it. "Coffees." Same as with "sheep." I think it is the same because of the two "e"s.
--40th St & 5th Ave
Mind Your Gap, Kimberly
Conductor: Next stop, Lexington.
Four-year-old girl, cutting him off: Shut up! Shut up!
Mother: Who are you tellin to shut up?
Four-year-old girl: That man! We *know* where we is!
Conductor: Please stand clear of the closing doors.
Four-year-old girl: We know! This ain't the first time we rode a train, sir!
--N Train
And He Was Like, "Not Without a Drink, I Can't"
Hippie dude: So then what happened?
Hippie girl: He asked if he could buy her a drink, and she said, "nah, but you can fuck me!"
--St. Mark's & 2nd Ave
You Lose Half a Grade for Ruining My Joke
Male student: (question is inaudible)
Old male professor: You want to have sex with me?
Male student: No, what's number six?
Old male professor: Oh,I was about to say I'm happily married.
--John Jay College
Overheard by: LMAO
You Know How the Other Guys Gossip
Construction worker #1: Want to have sex in the bathroom?
Construction worker #2: Not right now.
--E 28th St
I Swear, Yesterday One Of Them Spat at Me
Teen girl #1, pointing to mannequin: Look! Those are the boobs we were talking about!
Teen girl #2: I know, those boobs are so obnoxious!
--89th St & Broadway
If Gossip Girl Were Written by Real New Yorkers...
Boyfriend: I wouldn't marry you. I would pay for half and give you a ride to the clinic.
Girlfriend: Baby, that's beer money. Just push me down the stairs and we'll go out.
Boyfriend: I love you.
--84th & 1st
None Of the Best Earthquakes Vacation There
Brunette #1 to friend: I have like no idea what's going on in the world right now. I should start watching the news.
Brunette #2: Well, I heard that Italy is becoming less popular. You know, like on the Richter scale.
--78th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Teresa
When Regular Dudes Try to Pretend They're Hugh Hefner, They Inevitably Just Come Off As Creepy
Construction guy #1, in thick New York accent: Hey, Harry!
Construction guy #2: Yeah?
Construction guy #1: I'm havin' a pajama party at my house tonight, you wanna come over?
--53rd & 3rd
...Albeit a Queer One.
Woman #1, watching New York City Gay Men's Chorus rehearse Single Ladies: Does anyone know what this is?
Woman #2: This is a New York moment!
--Symphony Space
Either Way, Dane Cook Isn't Very Funny
Girl #1: I think he is bipolar.
Girl #2: Umm...he's dyslexic. There's a big difference.
--Frank Sinatra School of the Arts High School
Headline by: PeterG
Runners-Up:
· "Bi-Curious Perhaps?" - muppet show
· "Either Way He'd Make a Perfect Phys Ed Instructor" - Ron D.
· "I'm Sorry...I Meant Diqolar" - Slater
· "You Say 'Tomato', I Say 'Fuck You, I'll Cut You!'" - Frank Vasquez
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Tonight's Movie: P.S.- I Thug You
Large, intimidating thug: So you think you're grown up, huh? You think you're a man?
Small boy: (nods)
Large, intimidating thug: Then why don't you get a job? Move out?
Small boy: Cause I love you!
Large, intimidating thug, more quietly: Well, I love you too.
--Downtown A Train
I Still Don't Get Why You Were Pantsless, Though
Asian chick: Really!? Seriously!? That's so rude! I've never had anything like that happen to me before!
Blonde friend: Yeah, I know! What an asshole!
Asian chick: Wait, are you sure? He just fingered you with all those people in the restaurant watching?
(friends laugh)
Asian chick: Wait...what? I don't get it. That's what people say, right? He fingered you. He put his middle finger up.
Brunette friend, still laughing: No, no! He gave her the finger. He did not finger her.
Asian chick: Oh! Wow! I'm so glad I made that mistake now. I would have told everyone that she got fingered tonight.
--8th Ave, Chelsea
Overheard by: Wondering how anyone makes that mistake...
It's Also the Stand-Up Comedy Golden Rule
Twink: Okay, new rule, new rule! "If you can't fuck me standing up, you can't fuck me".
Friend: Yeah.
Twink: Actually, that is a really good rule.
--Marie's Crisis Piano Bar, West Village
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Do Wednesday One-Liners Get Published on Saturdays?
Boss: Wait, can I ask a city girl question? Do butterflies come from caterpillars??
--Office, 8th Ave
Overheard by: kpan
Tall blond tourist looking at Egyptian artifacts: So, are these, like, all real artifacts, or like, what? Know what I mean?
--The Metropolitan Museum
Girl to station agent: Can I go the other direction from here?
--W 103rd St
Overheard by: Emily B.
Blonde bimbo: Skydiving...is that the one done on water?
--Jerome Avenue Line
Woman, looking around crowded waiting area: I wonder how many people here are waiting for a train?
--Waiting Area, Penn Station
Overheard by: Not from New Jersey
Woman in elevator, after bumping into Al Roker: Wasn't that Tom Brokaw?
--Fisk Building
We Can Spot Fake Wednesday One-Liners a Mile Away
Exasperated woman on phone: It's a phone interview! What does it matter what type of boobs I have?
--Office Building, 32nd & 7th
Overheard by: erkala
Girl, after guy accidentally hit her boob: Ow! You should be squeezing them, not hitting them!
--Toys R' Us, Times Square
Overheard by: Lotte
Upper West Side girl to friend: I hate that my boobs are so big! It completely ruins that skirt for me.
--Canal Street
Hobo: But I don't want to love my breasts!
--Ave B
Man on cell: So you're coming to New York? That's good. I called your mother, she said you're staying with some girl with big tits tonight.
--West 4th Street
Guy to another, while at lunch: I don't care if you think I live too fast and I'll be dead at 45. At least I'll die with a tittie in my mouth!
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: sal b
People Who Live in Glass Houses Shouldn't Throw Wednesday One-Liners
Lady shouting into cell: Stop screaming in my ear! Stop screaming in my ear! Stop screaming in my ear!
--Flatbush Ave, Prospect Heights
Overheard by: Ja9
Deli cashier with heavy accent to West Indian man with heavy accent: I don't speak Jamaican! I speak English!
--Crown Heights
Overheard by: Holly
Man on crowd: Stop shoving! There are fucking kids here, watch out, asshole!
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Alexis
Man walking with small kid on cell: Ain't no one cursing at yo! Fuck, why you got to be like that?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Heather
Woman on cell: I just hate for people to hear my conversations in public.
--Duane Reade, 34th & 8th
Overheard by: Nicole
We're Not Looking for Any Serious Wednesday One-Liners Right Now
20-something girl to two girlfriends: We've been dating for two months. Normally in my relationships, it's "he loves me, and I love me," but now I feel like he knows I like him, and that threatens me.
--Penn Station
8th grade boy to another: Aren't I the woman in this relationship?
--Bell Academy
Woman to friend: He said he wanted to dress me up, take me out, and show me off to the world. Instead we'd go out, he'd make me pay, and tell me how great everyone else looked.
--3rd Ave & 37th th
Cute guy in Yankees hat: I need a wild, destructive relationship for awhile.
--Brother Jimmy's, 81st & Amsterdam
Guy: Yeah, I just got over a long-term relationship. You know, two to three months.
--Starbucks, 67 & Columbus
Guy on cell: I don't know if I already told you this, but I don't have a job or a show. So we could go a date until the end of time.
--MacDougal & 7th St
Steve Guttenberg to way-too-young date: I like you and I would like to see you, just not every day.
--Upper West Side
Wednesday's One-Liners Sell Themselves
Teenage nerd: My boss and my dealer have the same name. One time I called my boss asking for weed, and he was like "hey!" and I was like "yo, lemme cop" and he was like "I think you have the wrong number" and I hung up.
--Tompkins Square Park
Overheard by: joy
Yuppie 30-something in black coat and white scarf: I'm going crazy! I've got his dealer's number programmed into my phone, but I can't remember her name, so if I call, I won't know who to ask for. And you have to know who to ask for, or they'll think you're a cop!
--16th St & 7th Ave
Loud, mildly intoxicated girl at dinner: People who litter are so much worse than drug dealers.
--Brooklyn
Lady on cell: Tourism is the only industry that doesn't depend on drug cartels.
--14th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Diaz
How Many Licks Does It Take to Get to the Center Of a Wednesday One-Liner?
Chick on cell: It's all about the eyeball lick. Tell her.
--59th St & 9th Ave
Overheard by: aenigma
NYPD cop: I would rather lick the street than ever smell your fart again.
--Forsyth St & E Houston St
Overheard by: Dave-o
Teen girl to friends: He's so gross! Seriously, I'd rather lick my cat's asshole than hook up with that guy!
--Barnes & Noble, Bayside
Guy at bar to friend: I can't believe you married a woman who won't lick your asshole.
--Ale House, MacDougal St
Random woman: Why do you always insist on licking my elbow?
--86th & 3rd
Overheard by: Jana
Wednesday One-Liners Can't Go On
Guy: But that way everyone feels a little more suicidal, and that makes it much more interesting.
--Broadway & 9th
85-year-old woman with leathery skin, in neon pink jumpsuit and sunglasses, with cigarette in one hand and cane in the other: I wish that cunt would just fucking kill herself!
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: kyle
Woman to son, as they look at street vendors' wares: Oh, and do you have the number for the suicide hotline?
--Prince & Mulberry
Upper West Side suit to friend: And I was like, "but I've worn that four times, I can't wear that again. I'd just have to kill myself!"
--Broadway & 104th St
Overheard by: Cat
Man, to the tune of "Lean on Me": Sometimes in our lives/we want to jump right out the window...
--DUMBO, Brooklyn
Overheard by: amused
Toddler: Mommy, you make me suicidal!
--Roosevelt Island Bus
Meet the Wednesday One-Liners Who Wrecked the Economy
Suit on cell: I mean, imagine our mothers in Playboy...
--Borders, Penn Station
Overheard by: I'd Rather Not
50-something suit to others: Ya, we sold ten bags of herb and made $100.
--Wall St & William St
Overheard by: Mike D
Suit on cell: Hey, mom! Ma! 7 cents! You owe me 7 cents!
--5th Ave & 22nd St
Overheard by: Katie
30-something suit to hot female: I can't reassure you about your body while we're in bed, because that would imply that there's something going on between us.
--W Broadway & Houston
Man in suit: Every day I try to do something out of my comfort zone, like hanging out with you.
--Broadway & Murray St
Wednesday One-Liners Give 'Em Somethin' to Talk About
Older woman to bored-looking male dinner companion, as they are seated at a table: Now we have to think of something to talk about.
--The Place, West Village
Overheard by: Colleen
Female grad student: I was trippy enough to talk to Shrek, but not trippy enough for him to answer.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Poogins
Hobo with huge afro chasing after two chatting women: Are you talking when the champion is speaking?! How dare you?
--2nd Ave & 9th St
Teacher to class entering auditorium: Children, stop talking! This is a building!
--College of Mount Saint Vincent
Man on cell: Ray Romano, you're talking to a millionaire!
--Chelsea
Overheard by: Katie
Girl on phone: It's just like, he seriously has a really squishy face that you can stick your finger in, and it goes like a million miles in, and you're just like "what the fuck!" But yeah, nothing happened, we just talked.
--Palladium Residence Hall, NYU
Not Another Teen Wednesday One-Liner
High school girl: She banged some dude with no condom during her period, then she blew another guy after the basketball game.
--Panera, Queens
Overheard by: NBG1
Teen: My health teacher always yells at me for being late. Shouldn't she be, like, sustaining my self-esteem?
--Green Apple Cafe
Overheard by: Julie
Hippie teenager leaving bathroom: When I see you all later, I will not have any idea who the hell you are!
--Nokia Theater, Times Square
Overheard by: dan
Teenage girl to cute guy, after spitting on door window: I have a bad habit of spittin'.
--E Train
Overheard by: MrsBall
Teenager to crying little brother: Shut up! Stop it or I'll take away your ShamWow!
--Times Square
Overheard by: JYC
Teenage boy on cell: I won't cock-block! (pause) I won't cock-block!
--E 77th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Steve G
Wednesday One-Liner Is Murder!
Girl to friend: Yeah, so before I came in here I wasn't a vegetarian, but now my expectations have changed.
--New Williamsburg Cafe
Overheard by: Nick Ace
Jenny*: When I say that I'm a vegan, the other Jenny, the little Texan Jenny inside of me goes, "you are so disgusting!"
--Tisch School of the Arts
Overheard by: Southern Carnivore
White flyer lady, singing: Peeeeople! Veeeegans have bet-ter-sex, bet-ter-health, and live decades longer to enjoy it all!
--LaSalle & Broadway
Wannabe vegan on cell: Is applesauce vegan?
--Denny's
Guy: You know how vegetarians say they won't eat anything with a face? So what about that woman that got attacked by the chimp? Would they eat her? (stunned silence) Too soon?
--Steinway & Broadway, Astoria
Overheard by: Go Rangers!
"Et Tu, Wednesday One-Liner?"
Very young thug to slightly older thug: My nigga, I'm the fuckin' ghetto McGyver! I can make a...a cigarette filter into a knife!
--Uptown B Train
Overheard by: It's a little too squishy to be very threatening...
Ghetto man: A woman tried to stab me once while we was having sex!
--Broadway & 32nd St
Girl on cell: She got stabbed 15 times. They said it was self defense.
--94th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Dan Rosen
Black guy on cell: Dude, she was trying to stab me with a corkscrew! I couldn't listen to you at a time like that! I was in crisis mode! (pause) Yes! A fucking corkscrew! A corkscrew, nigga! A motherfucking corkscrew!
--Fulton Street Mall
Hobo, wearing plastic crown wrapped in toilet paper: And after I got out of jail for trying to stab that motherfucker with a screwdriver, I said "fuck it, I'm the motherfucking Statue of Liberty! What you looking at, whitey?"
--4/5 Train
Overheard by: Whitey
Hip young NYU student on cell: I was with Ricky again last night. (pause) Yeah, I had to pull the knife out on him again. (pause) No, but it was funny, though.
--NYU
Overheard by: brooklyn1234
Hey, Can I Help That I'm a Planner?
12-year-old boy: Hey guys! We are gonna take a day this summer and just do stuff! Like have sex and stuff!
9-year-old boy: That's all you ever talk about!
--Windsor Terrace, Brooklyn
Overheard by: ahahahahahahahaha
Don't You Get Points for That?
Customer: Do you have any more frisbees?
Cashier: NYU isn't really a frisbee school.
Customer: Why not?
Cashier: You could hurt a tourist.
--Bookstore, NYU
Not Texas
Female student, pointing to ad of big M&M: I like this picture the best.
Professor: So you like big red things?
--John Jay College
That, and Figure Skate.
Freshman girl #1: What'd you do Saturday?
Freshman girl #2: My friend came over and I taught her the difference between a rifle bullet and a shotgun shell...cuz that's what I was meant to do.
--St. Francis Preparatory School, Queens
Perhaps We Could Discuss Free Coffee...Wesley
Coffee vendor: That iced coffee will be eight dollars, and the straw will cost you fifty cents extra, ha ha.
Cashier: Man, Joe, that coffee's expensive!
Coffee vendor: Why'd you gotta say my name, man? What if my baby mama came up in here looking for child support and youse be sayin' my name?!
--Westside Market
Unless He's Laughing at My Style
Crazy woman to mother of laughing baby: He likes me! At least you know he ain't gonna be gay!
--14th St & Ave B
The Best Part Is, They're Talking About Children's Programming
Guy #1: May I presuppose what I think you're trying to articulate, which is, that the core universality of your character's arc needs to be explicitly emphasized in the color palate?
Guy #2: I think that's fair, but I'm not sure you can go there with an audience.
Guy #1: But isn't the whole narrative journey bringing them there?
Guy #2: Yes and no. Essentially we can't bring them there, because we can't get there ourselves.
Guy #1: Hmmm, I'm not sure if I agree with that.
Guy #2: We can't get there. Our protagonist can't get there, he can't bring us there with him.
Guy #1: Where?
Guy #2: The river.
Guy #1: Why is he going to the river?
Guy #2: Because that's--that's--that's the thing. That's the thing he has to do. It's like, he is that river, and that's why we go to a wide-shot there.
Guy #1: I do see the wide-shot there, but I think we need more exposition for the catharsis to work.
--Think Coffee, 3rd & Mercer
Overheard by: todd
You Can't Walk Like an Egyptian Without Lots Of Lubrication
Woman to man: He's got this charm about him--he's slimy, like he's Egyptian or something.
(man, uneasy, looks around to check there are no Egyptians in there)
Woman, quickly: I don't mean "slimy" in a bad way.
Man: Sure.
--A Train
And You Said My Electronic Organizer Could Do Everything!
30-something suit #1: Wait! So you didn't have time to fuck her?
30-something suit #2: No! I made time to fuck her, but it sucked.
--6th Ave & Waverly Place
My Therapist Says That's Why I Don't Get Any
40-something man: Hey! I know you! You're Victor's daughter, right?
Teenage girl: Yeah.
40-something man: Wow, look how tall you've gotten. You probably don't remember me, but I'm a friend of your dad's from way back.
Teenage girl: Oh, awesome. (smiles)
40-something man: So...how are you? Still in school?
Teenage girl: No, no, graduated and taking a year off and then studying to be a lawyer.
40-something man, shaking head: Well, be prepared for a life of celibacy.
--34th St & Park Ave
Overheard by: Sessi Li
Then She Pepper-Sprayed Me and Ran Off with the Book
Latina girl #1: Oh my god, I was, like, so excited for Christmas, 'cause I thought my cousin was gonna get me that ill jacket I saw at the mall but he got me... (pauses for effect)
Latina girl #2: Oh my god, whaaaat?
Latina girl #1: The Twilight series!
Latina girl #2: Oh my fucking god, are you serious?
Latina girl #1: Yeah! And I was like, "papi, I need a new bookshelf for my Twilight books, you know?
Latina girl #2: Yeahhhhh.
Latina girl #1: Yeah, so then he was like, "aight, I'm gonna get you that bookshelf." It was sooo exciting.
Latina girl #2: Didn't you already have the first book?
Latina girl #1: Yeah, I did. But I lent it to Jean Carla, and she gave it back to me last week. Oh man, I'm so protective of it, and it got bent. I was on the train, trying to bend it back, and I was like so upset, and this lady came up to me and was like, "sweetie, you alright?" and I said, "no. I won't ever be alright."
--N Train
Overheard by: No Longer A Twilight Fan
Unless, Like Me, You Shit Yourself on the Way Home
Neighborhood drunk: (unintelligible)
Guy: I do! I get all my toilet paper at the 99 cent store.
Neighborhood drunk: Then you're one step ahead of the game.
--5th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: wza
...in Between Rounds Of Square Dancing.
Little boy to older sister: Look at that ugly bird.
Older sister, bored: Yeah, wow.
Little boy: I wanna crash it...stupid bird.
Older sister: Don't do that baby, it's not nice.
Little boy: Why not? I just wanna crash it.
Older sister: Because serial killers kill animals when they're little.
Little boy: What's a serial killer?
Older sister: It's something white people do for fun.
--7th Ave & 9th St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: I have yet to kill anyone
Is This a Racial Incident? Discuss.
Hobo with cane: Is that a Pit Bull?
Man with dog: No, it's a Basset Hound.
Hobo with cane: That's impossible, Basset Hounds do not exist. It's a Pit Bull!
--Broadway & 10th St
As Do I, Dear Lady. As Do I.
Cute, somewhat cracked-out blonde: What kind of shot is this?
Bartender: It's my special shot.
Cute blonde: Um...does it go with Lorazepam and Adderall?
Bartender, trying not to laugh: Well yes, yes it does.
--Karavas Place, W 4th St
And We'll Be There Shortly, Woman!
Male conductor: Due to the lateness of this train, the next stop will be Bay Parkway.
(pause)
Female conductor: The next stop will be 62nd Street.
Male conductor: This train will now run express. The next stop is Bay Parkway.
Female conductor: Con-duct-tor! The next...
Male conductor: Okay, okay. The next stop is 62nd Street.
--D Train
Overheard by: I hate the D train
It's Like They're Being Shot Out Of a Giant Canadian Cannon Aimed Toward Me
Guy, standing with two women: So of course, now every woman that comes my way is from... (nods, waits for women to finish his sentence)
Women: Newfoundland!
Guy: Right!
--Union Square Park
Overheard by: not a newf
And If She's Pregnant, Her Problems Are Deep-Seeded
Woman: I think she has deep seeded problems.
Man: Did you say "seeded," like s-e-e-d-e-d?
Woman: Yeah, why?
Man: It's "seated." Deep "seated" problems. Not "seeded."
Woman: That's stupid. Why would a problem be "seated"? Seeds are deep, not seats.
Man: Seated, like, positioned.
Woman: Go pick your nose.
Man: Fine. Just remember when you told me there's no part of the body called a "bone of contention."
Woman: I am so kicking your ass later.
--Civil Court, Livingston Street, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry
I Had the Front Door Locked and Everything
20-something girl in floral dress #1: I know! I was just like, "stick it in my ass already!"
20-something girl in floral dress #2: I know, right?
--Great Lawn, Central Park
Overheard by: The Boss
It's Like the Dominatrix Of Cities
Elderly woman to elderly man, as a young girl narrowly escapes getting hit by a car: Oh my god, what is it with these crazy people!? I hate this city more and more each day.
Elderly man: Well then, why do you live here?
Elderly woman: Because I love it.
--83rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Dee Dee
Even His Mistress Doesn't Put Out!
Female suit: Every time he answers his phone it's with his business greeting. Like, it's your wife, dude, just say hi! God, I hate him.
Gay suit: Yeah, it's like she's the only person who thinks you're important, anyway!
--5th Ave & 55th St
Overheard by: CollegiateCutie
I Don't Care If She Has a Name. Now Make Me a Square Burger, Bitch
Dopey guy: She looks like that chick on the Wendy's commercials.
Less dopey guy: Um...you mean...Wendy?
--Drop Off Service, 13th & Ave A
Headline by: aileen
Runners-Up:
· "...AKA Pippi Longstocking's Doppelgänger" - Deanna
· "No, Carrot Top" - johnnyb
· "She Has a NAME?!?!" - sizzle
· "Until Pippi Longstocking Wins Her Lawsuit, Yes" - Cat
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Oddly Enough, It Was an Obama Hat.
German lady, to no one in particular: You know, I vunder. I tink dat de only persons in USA who vatch Two and One-Half Men are from, like, Alabama. Or Nebraska. Someplace not in a city.
Student-type guy: Oh yeah?
German lady: Oh yes, for sure. I vould be shocked if anyvone on this train watches that show. Charlie Sheen is shit.
Student-type guy: Whatever. Just don't watch it.
German lady: No, I do not vatch this. I don't have cable. I hate Charlie Sheen.
Student-type guy: No cable? How do you know anything about the show then? How do you know anything about anything?
German lady: Oh, I know lots of things.
Student-type guy: Who is the President of the United States?
German lady: (silent)
Student-type guy: Are you fucking kidding me? You don't know who the President of the United States is and you're talking about fucking Charlie Sheen? Get the fuck off this train! ...and your hat is stupid!
--Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: Dice To That