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July 2009 Archives
...Who's Three Points Away from Getting His Hustling License
Girl #1: Yeah, but the more time I spent in New York, the more I realized it's just full of hustlers.
Girl #2, extremely emphatic: Oh, yeah! Everyone I know in New York is a hustler! (long contemplative pause)
Girl #2: 'cept my cousin.
--Jet Blue Plane Taking Off, JFK
Going Where People Don't Even Own Their Own Brownstones
Upper East Side mom #1: So then I go twice a week over to the JCC, and after I get back I take them.
Upper East Side mom #2, looking disgusted: You mean the JCC on the West Side?
Upper East Side mom #1: Yes.
Upper East Side mom #2: Oh my god! You are a dedicated mother.
--Dalton Physical Education Center, 87th & 3rd
Overheard by: West Sider
I'm Talking to You, Tom Servo!
Long Island teenage girl #1: Yesterday the train was so much more crowded. You couldn't find a seat.
Long Island teenage girl #2: I found a seat yesterday.
Long Island teenage girl #1: Ugh! I don't want to sit next to creepy guys (pause) that make fun of us.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Non-creepy guy, that makes fun of them
That Should Be on a Sign at the Airport
Tourist counting her group, which is clogging sidewalk: Carla? Has anyone seen Carla? Okay, Marie? Marie?
Passerby, interrupting: First, let me thank you for visiting our city. We appreciate it. Second, get out of the fucking way.
--Broadway & Canal
Is This Funny, Sad, or Both? Discuss.
Spoiled hipster girl: Yeah, like that time your mom borrowed my top to go clubbing.
Spoiled hipster boy: Well, I hope she got action in it!
Spoiled hipster girl: She did, I think she hooked up with some married man. That's why I have the money for the new top I'm getting!
--Urban Outfitters, West Village
...Or Am I Thinking Of 2001-2008?
Queer #1: Let's go see a movie.
Queer #2: Okay... What do you want to see?
Queer #1: Let's go see Milk.
Queer #2: Isn't that about a retarded man who becomes President?
--Cosi, 15th St
...Was It Someone Famous?
Gay guy: Where are we going?
Straight girl: Nowhere Bar. Have you been there before?
Gay guy: I don't think so. Oh no! Wait! Someone blew me there in college!
Straight girl: For the last effing time, I do not need to hear these things about my big brother!
--F Train
Every Rocky Movie, in a Nutshell
Dude #1: It's pretty easy to tell when he's depressed.
Dude #2: Oh, of course. He starts crying and doing push ups.
--W 4th St & 6th Ave
That's Like Taking It to Denny's!
Guy #1: So, she was eventually diagnosed with Stockholm syndrome. No, not Stockholm syndrome... Munchausen by proxy.
Guy #2: Is that where you make your kid sick to get attention?
Guy #1: Yeah. I mean, who feeds their newborn feces? Who does that?
--21st St & 6th Ave
If You Like This Quote, You'll Love Gaby Hoffmann and Christina Ricci in 200 Cigarettes
Drunk suburban girl: Come on! Let's go dance around in the fountain and take pictures of it! I love this city!
Begrudgingly sober suburban girl: Fuck this city. If we don't make the 12:37 back I'm going to drown you in that fountain.
--W 48th St
He Thinks Outside the Box, and That's What I Love About Him
Ditzy runner #1: So I was like "did you use your juicer?" and he was like "yeah, but it went bad" and I was like "how did it go bad?" and he was like "well, I juiced a potato!"
Ditzy runner #2: A potato?
Ditzy runner #1, pleased with her story: a potato.
--Central Park, During JP Morgan Chase 5K Run
Why There Is No Market for Male Thongs: In a Nutshell.
Irate gangster, following a scared-looking passenger: Excuse me, sir, would you like a wedgie? Sir! Excuse me! Would you like a wedgie?
--LIRR
Overheard by: Jane and Brian
They Both Cyberstalk Me Like Crazy Ex-Girlfriends
Guy: Pinkberry is right across the street from Red Mango.
Girl: That's awkward.
Guy: I know, I'm awkward about it.
--St. Marks Place
Let's See If He Comes Back, Okay?
Jew for Jesus, holding out pamphlet: Here, have one.
Woman: Hmm?
Jew for Jesus: It's about Jesus!
Woman: Oh, I'm not interested in him. I thought it was about Michael Jackson.
--The High Line
Overheard by: emily
Like a Celibate Priest With a Huge Dick
Tipsy attractive Asian lesbian to girlfriend: Oh, well. Actually, I just learned how to deep throat in December... Pretty awesome, once you get it down.
Tipsy, equally attractive girlfriend: My last girlfriend said she used to do it, too! Wow, men must hate me.
--Uptown 1 Train
Does That Connote Romance in the Gay Community?
Gay guy #1 to girl: I only say these things to you because I'm your best friend.
Gay guy #2: Bitch! I'm her best friend!
Girl: Great. Now you guys are totally going to fight for me.
Gay guy #1: I will fuck him up right here. That's how much I love you.
--14th St & 9th Ave
...Onstage!
Woman: Umm...I have to go. Sorry.
Creepster: It's okay, we'll meet in another life... As cats.
--McFadden's Bar, 42nd & 2nd
Frankly, You're Lucky I Don't Start Wanking It Right Here
Student: Wait so why is everyone switching to blue ray?
Professor: Because the film industry follows the porn industry. (pauses) That's the truth. That's where all the money is.
Student: (stares blankly)
Professor: What? It's a billion-dollar industry. I can't be the only guy who buys it.
Student: (stares horrified)
Professor: Fuck you. I have tenure.
--Tisch School of the Arts
Don't Make Me Do Math, Okay?
Guy #1: Yeah... she's bipolar.
Guy #2: Really? I thought she was straight.
--Spring & Broadway
Overheard by: Kat
The Definitive NYC Punch Line-- Along With "Vagina"
Asian girl: He's the kind of guy who sits at home drinking beer, plotting ways to date his cousins.
Friend: Well, maybe that's acceptable where he comes from. Isn't he from another country?
Asian girl: Jersey.
--22nd & 23rd
Overheard by: jack
English Is a Stupid Language, Amiga
White girl: Opera.
Salvadoran guy: Like the black chick?
White girl: No, that's Oprah.
--Lawton St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Eric Frazier
Funny, That's What #96B269 Said.....
Excited girlfriend: Hey, are these soap bars?
Disinterested boyfriend: I don't know, why don't you drop one and find out?
--Bath & Body Works
Headline by: Harriet
Runners-Up:
· "And Nine Months Later..." - Junior
· "Dating Ex-Cons Has Its Drawbacks" - Mike
· "Part Of Bloomberg's "Clean Up the Village!" Program?" - Bobo D Clown
· "Prison Etiquette 101" - Kosi
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
...Hint, Hint.
Duane Reade employee, pointing to back of store: You can't go in there, the floor's just been waxed.
Swaying drunk girl: So has my vagina, that doesn't mean people aren't allowed in there!
--Duane Reade
And It Looked Funny, 'cause They All Had Mustaches
Child: I turned on the channel and then mommy started yelling "no, no, turn it off!"
Mother: She found a porn channel.
Child: I liked it, because everyone was kissing.
--Penn Station
Except at the End You Shit Out a Baby
Ghetto girl: Jes-tay-shun! Gestation. What does that mean?
Ghetto girl's friend, thoughtfully: Like... Digestion.
--Bronx Zoo
Overheard by: Jess K.
"That'sa Spicy Wednesday One-Liner!"
Drunk guy, matter-of-factly: Everyone comes in here and thinks they're smelling pot, when really they're just smelling Italians.
--Hammerstein Ballroom Men's Room
Young girl on cell: Well, I mean, I have eaten macaroni. Does that count as Italian?
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Kayla Monetta
Man on cell: And this guy smelled like shit! (pause) Yeah, I told him, "you smell like Italian."
--E 10th & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: molina1230
Loud bridesmaid at Guido wedding: I'm Sicilian from the waist up, American from the waist down.
--Brooklyn Botanic Garden
College guy to friend: From the minute they got here, they started eating. Italian feasts are pornography. Italian food is illicit sex to the puritans. Everything the puritans eat is bland and brown.
--Brooklyn College
Middle-aged, pot-bellied guy with a long pony-tail, stopping young woman on the street: Excuse me, but I just want to say, once you've had Italian food, you're not hungry for anything else. I just ate a calzone and now I'm going to go home and just go to sleep!
--8th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Not hungry either
Wednesday One-Liners Make Partner
Crying woman in pink bathrobe and wet hair, as she chases pimp-looking male: I'm taking them to court. I'm taking those motherfuckers to court! I'm calling 1-800-lawyers!
--14th & 8th
Overheard by: Rebecca Meyers
Attractive female law student on cell: Whatever, he can feed me dinner. I know it's "unethical" or whatever...
--11th St & 5th Ave
Blonde Columbia Education School girl to friend: Isn't this supposed to be a graduate school mixer? Why aren't there any law school guys coming up to me?
--Havana Central, near Columbia University
Overheard by: I <3 Gold Diggers
Subway hobo: Yeah, thats right. (yelling) I'm gonna be the best judge this town has ever seen!
--6 Train
Overheard by: watching&waiting
Six-year-old girl walking up some wet slippery steps: If I slip, I'm gonna sue.
--33rd & 2nd
Overheard by: Em
One Life to Wednesday One-Liner
Five-year-old boy to father: Is this an important life lesson?
--14th & 6th
Overheard by: A
Young Asian man to woman ignoring him: Hey, let's go get a falafel. Hey, hey--you live around here often?
--Union Square
Overheard by: serena
Woman, throwing McNuggets at man: Get the fuck out of my life!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Elliot
Frantic crazy guy: I'm gonna go have a seat in Starbucks and get my life together!
--6th Ave & 25th St
Overheard by: tbomb
Suit on phone: Well that's life, you screw people over and then you go to the Bahamas.
--Train into Penn Station
There Are No Small Wednesdays-- Only Small One-Liners.
Girl on cell, defiantly: Listen, I can keep my midget in your closet whenever I damn please!
--72nd & Columbus
Man handing out cards to random passers-by: They have midget strippers, buddy, and you can bring your guitar!
--42nd & 7th
Overheard by: Katy
Guy, to friend: You can't call yourself a grown man if you sit down and your feet dangle off the chair.
--Victoria's Secret
Overheard by: Emm
Black guy pushing cart: Man, I miss my two-headed midget friend... He was my best man.
--Union Square
Woman on cell: Have I been an angry little munchkin?
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: TheMac
Wednesday One-Glove-Liners
20-something female shopkeeper to coworker, as Michael Jackson's "Rock with You" plays on the radio: Did you hear he's sick? Apparently, he's in the hospital. I know, it's crazy. Can you imagine if he dies? If he dies, that'll be, like, the most awful thing to happen to America in years!
--Pet Food Store
Overheard by: Nathalie
Suit on cell: What if Michael Jackson sucking your dick was the cure for cancer?
--8th & Broadway
Man, lighting cigarette: So what'd he die from? A sunburn?
--Chambers St. & West Broadway
Middle aged black lady on cell: If you can get Michael Jackson on a condom box it would definitely sell.
--MacDougal & 8th St
Nine-year-old boy, pointing to a newspaper article, to younger sister: Oh yeah, that guy? He was fifty. He used to be a black guy but made himself become white.
--Canal & Orchard, Chinatown
Overheard by: Lauren T.
Large tattooed man, discussing Michael Jackson: One of those kids is his; the other two can't be, they're white. They were all unofficially inseminated, though.
--Delancey & Essex
Nice Wednesday One-Liners Finish Last
30-something woman on cell: And then he says to me "you have a very nice placenta!"
--85th & 3rd
Overheard by: Whitney Simmons
Shoe shine guy to woman walking by: Nice boots! Nice hat! You sure got a lot of nice things, lady!
--47th & 6th
Overheard by: CreateEvity
NYU girl on cell: Ew! Emma? I can't believe a guy is interested in Emma! I know she's nice, but that's just gross. I really just cannot believe anyone could possibly be attracted to her! She's so ugly!
--Washington Square Park
Enthusiastic Jewish lady in jury room: He's very nice! He's very nice! He's going to be a *happy* archbishop!
--Centre St
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Three-year-old girl: Don't be sassy, mommy, daddy's being nice.
--Front St.
Overheard by: Aviva
Older black man to circle of friends: I'll bend her over a bench and stick it into her! You know--I'm a nice guy.
--Flatbush & Lincoln
Wednesday One-Liners Ain't Got the Money, Honey
Older man, to no one in particular: That's why I keep my income low, so no one jumps me.
--Myrtle & Clinton, Brooklyn
Woman with scratch-off lotto card to friend: I won four dollars! I won four dollars! You know I can't spend that, though. I gotta get food for my kids. Those niggas be hungry!
--Staten Island Ferry
Angelic-looking teen girl screaming into cell: Are you coming to the movies with me? You're broke? Just mug someone on the way. Mug someone! (pause) Mug! M-u-g! Rhymes with "thug"!
--Chambers & West St
Puerto Rican dude on cell: I ain't got no money. I got weed, but I ain't got no money.
--25th St & 7th Ave
Village lady: She was in foreclosure before it was fashionable to be in foreclosure.
--Bleecker & Mercer
The Country Finally Gets the Wednesday One-Liner It Deserves
20-something guy to five-year-old boy: No, Wolverine and Barack Obama are not the same person.
--Hudson Park Soccer Pitch
Overheard by: Kelli Jo
Swag guy: Get your Obama condoms, put it on when times get hard.
--7th Ave & 47th St
Overheard by: Oh no he didn't....
Hobo on train: Look at these two girls! If we get married we can make another Obama!
--4 Train
Cute boy: Captain Kirk is the Bush to Picard's Obama.
--Kent Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Trekkie
Diner to companion: Since Obama's been President, North Korea has fired like two missiles. They're testing his foreign policy, uh, you know, they're testing his gallstones.
--Teddy's Restaurant, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ken Yapelli
Sock street vendor to passersby: Socks! One dollar, one dollar! One dollar!
(nobody pays attention) Socks! One dollar! Obama! One dollar! Obama! (a few pedestrians stop to browse through his socks)
--New Chinatown, Flushing, Queens
Wednesday One-Liners Aspire to Be Betty White
Old dog lady, smoking: Me, I've already been spayed.
--Dog Adoption Booth, Brooklyn
Overheard by: PrairieSquid
Old woman to another: Darling, I didn't know your husband was still alive!
--Restaurant, Upper East Side
Elderly black woman, yelling to line of cars honking their horns for Puerto Rican Day parade: Get yo punk asses back to 5th Ave!
--Grand & Graham
Elderly woman, complaining to physical therapist: I keep walkin' like I'm drunk (pause) Cause I am drunk.
--12th & University
Overheard by: tbs
Old lady, after being knocked down by man on bike: You know what... Go to hell! (giggles to herself) I haven't said that in a looong time.
--Union Square
Overheard by: letthesunshine
Every Wednesday One-Liner Has Its Price
Woman to another: She had one baby at her breast and another baby sitting next to her, trying to sell chicklets.
--10 Rockefeller Plaza
Overheard by: Jarrod
Young man to young woman: Sell it on the black market or give it up for adoption. That's basically your only two options.
--Grand St, Chinatown
Overheard by: Mike Posillico
Crazy woman to entire bus: My husband be given my money to all those hoes. That's why I gotta sell coffee. But at least I'm not sellin' my ass... (gets distracted by radio) Oh, this is a nice song.
--Bx15 Bus
Overheard by: Karly
Father of four, attempting herd jumping children on street: Okay, the next child that doesn't listen to me will be sold!
--34th & 3rd
Overheard by: Dahouhou
Midwestern lady tourist to husband: Huh, Virgin. I wonder what they sell there.
--14th St, across Doomed Megastore
Overheard by: Not buyin what they're sellin
Wednesday One-Liners by Dr. Ruth
Woman to male companion: I told you about that guy I accidentally slept with, right?
--Bar at Sushi Samba, 7th Ave
Overheard by: David Russo
Girl to friend: Because it is more than just, sexual, you know? (pause) Well, actually, it's not, but...
--14th b/w 6th & 7th
Man to woman: You know Mesopotamian sex? That's me.
--Washington Square Park
Man walking dog on cell: My number one conquest since coming here was a 21-year-old Native American.
--27th & Broadway
Girl on cell: Mom, how am I supposed to have sex on a bed that has wheels?
--15th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Steve Hofstetter
Guy: So I fucked her on a bench, but I didn't finish, because I kept telling her about my girlfriend and how much I love her. So she got pissed of and took a taxi home to her parents.
--5th Ave
40-something man: Just tell that landlord that you don't need no electricity or no cable because you gonna be makin' love all the damn time!
--14th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: tracey
Do Wednesday One-Liners Measure Up?
Eastern European in velour jumpsuit, approaching guy on street: Sup, cuz. Hey, remember to give it to Ricky tonight for that thing tomorrow. It's a good size. Alright, see you later.
--89th & 3rd
Overheard by: Ben A
Girl to friends: And then she was like, "yeah, let me look at you with my weirdly oversized eyeballs."
--Court St., Brooklyn
Overheard by: iwn2000
Female suit on phone: We need to get them! (pause) No! They're too big! They won't fit in the hole!
--Broadway
Guy: Masculinity is determined by the size of your (slight pause) army...
--Millennium High School
Little girl, carrying tiny stick: Look! I have the biggest stick in the world!
--Central Park
Wanna Be King Of England?
Teenage boy #1: I don't know, man. I mean, she's hot, but...
Teenage boy #2: Dude, have you seen her? I would wring her socks out with my mouth.
--20th St., Windsor Terrace
Overheard by: Mel
...for That Smug Little "Even"
Bible thumper: I love you all... even you, sir.
Man: I hate you.
--A Train
Overheard by: SanjayU
I Guess I Just Wasn't Feeling Saucy!
Preppy fake blonde #1, coming out of gift shop: Well, you should have gotten the spaghetti!
Preppy fake blonde #2, coming out of gift shop: I didn't want the fucking spaghetti! And besides, my dad told me not to get the fucking spaghetti.
Preppy blonde #1: Wait a minute! Your dad said the f-word?
Preppy blonde #2: No! I just put that on for emphasis!
Preppy blonde #1: Well, that's false quoting!
(long pause)
Preppy blonde #2: That still doesn't explain why you didn't get the spaghetti.
--The Met
Overheard by: Kat
We Like to Call It "Subway Cooch"
Teen boy #1: I love the smell of the subway.
Teen boy #2: Why?
Teen boy #1: You know why.
--71st St & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
And She Probably Didn't Know 'til He Told Her
Girl #1: He told her she was too fat?
Girl #2: Yeah, he broke up with her.
Girl #1: That's terrible!
Girl #2: Well, she did get kind of fat.
--Nail Salon, 18th & 5th
Overheard by: Rachel
For a Girl Named Brie, You Sure Don't Know Much
Running little kid #1: What kind of cheese do you like? Cheese or cheddar?
Running little kid #2: What's the difference?
--Knickerbocker Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.
She'd Also Like Me to Be Straight, So Occasionally I Fuck Men with Really Small Penises
Young gay man: Once I have my one drug, which is how I get off, I go to my church club, which is where I have cocktails with Jesus.
Older female friend: Cocktails with Jesus?
Young gay man: My mother likes me to go to church... I make a compromise.
--L Train
Spoken Like Someone Who's Never Had to Take Care Of a Baby
Girl #1: I want to wear adult diapers... So I don't have to go to the bathroom a hundred times a day.
Girl #2: But you'll have to go anyway, to change yourself.
Girl #1: Yeah... like once a day!
--CVS
...Where No Gentleman Ever Goes
Innocent friend: What's a gentlemen's club?
Random dude on street: A strip club!
--7th Ave b/w 42nd & 43rd St
Overheard by: LiD
Care to Join Me in a Little Picnic?
Gay man: How long have you been together?
Girl #1: No, we're best friends!
Gay man: Okay, then which of you is straight and which of you is the dyke?
Girl #2: We're both straight!
Gay man: So you both like dick? Well, that is a wonderful thing to like.
--Great Lawn, Central Park
Well You're Flat-Chested, but Did I Point That Out??
Stranger to six-year-old girl who is one dollar short when paying: Hey there, sweetheart! I will pay that last dollar for you. Don't you worry.
Girl: No! You are fat!
--Dylan's Candy Bar
Overheard by: Acrown
Ironically, We Have to Calculate Bacterial Multiplication Rates
Teen girl #1: I haven't taken my contacts out in, like, three weeks.
Teen girl #2: Ew! That's disgusting! That's like leaving a tampon in for three weeks!
(awkward pause)
Teen girl #1: So, uh, did you get the math assignment?
--M96 Bus
Overheard by: Rose Fox
According to That Career Inventory We Took in High School
Straight guy, about coworker: That guy is such a douche.
Tarty girl: He's moving three blocks away from me.
Straight guy: That means you'll totally fuck him.
Tarty girl: Don't put that out in the universe! It'll happen. You know I'm a slut!
--Union Square
Shall We Consult Our Biology Textbooks?
Guy, looking at historic buildings: This is the kind of thing they should have taught us in school.
Girl: Yeah, there's a lot of things that schools didn't teach us.
Guy: I think a bug just flew into my nose.
Girl: What?
Guy: It's squirming around in there. It's really uncomfortable. I don't know what to do about it.
--Governor's Island
Overheard by: Kevin
Presenting Our New Motto
Elderly security guard #1: You got plans this weekend?
Elderly security guard #2: Nah, man.
Elderly security guard #1: Oh, I know what you got planned!
Elderly security guard #2: Nothin', man. I'm gonna be sleepin'.
Elderly security guard #1: Sleepin' like a pervert!
--7th Ave b/w 37th & 38th
Overheard by: Julia H.
...Since Everyone Poops! Became the National Book.
Sulky little girl: Do we have to talk about this? This is gross!
Mother: Do you think the Obamas talk about this?
Sulky little girl: No.
Mother: You bet they do!
--12th St
Overheard by: wishes she heard what they were talking about
When Science Meets Religion
Guy: I'd like the two-for-one sundae deal.
Employee, agitated: It's not two-for-one!
Guy: It's not?
Employee: It's "buy one, get one free"!
--6th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Nacci
The Cokeheads in the Class Had to Beat Some Sense Into Him
Professor: Any urban legends, anyone?
Student: Sure. New York City: the city that never sleeps.
Professor: Hum... and how is that a urban legend?
Student: Well, it does sleep.
--New York Institute of Technology
Overheard by: Vivianne Mayonnaise
But He's a "Maybe" for "Monday Night Sex N' Scrabble"
Girl: So, my dad friended me on Facebook the other day, and I was like "shiiit! Limit profile view!"
Guy #1: Are there that many incriminating things on your profile?
Girl: Not really.
Guy #2: So dad's not going to be attending Diane's "get drunk and dance" party?
--Downtown 1 Train
Try and Die, Motherfucker
Old creepy guy: You're a pretty lady.
Random lady, walking by: Thanks
Old creep guy: I should kidnap you
--Tour De Brooklyn Rest Site
Overheard by: Amber
Jessica Was Only Halfway Through Her Etiquette Guide
Very fat man in suit: Excuse me, miss, could you move your bag so I could sit in that seat?
Thin girl: With all due respect, sir, even if I did move this bag, there's no way your fat ass will fit here.
--Downtown 1 Train
Overheard by: thinks he should try Weight Watchers
Headline by: JohnAustin
Runners-Up:
· ""Let Me Rephrase. Excuse Me, BITCH..."" - Paul Tabachneck
· "New Yorkers: Keeping It Real Since 1886" - Nicole
· "She'll Be His First Target When He Becomes a Serial Killer" - Muse on the Loose
· "She'll Gain 200 Pounds When She Gets Pregnant" - Vanessa
· "Southwest Airlines Has Already Made This Point" - Michellinator
· "Under a Fat Man, Nobody Can Hear You Scream" - Trey Jackson
· "Weigh Watchers Has a New Recruiting Campaign Called "Honesty"" - Lauren
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Even If It Is a Chicken Suit
Hot girl #1: You've gotta admit, you have some weird kinks.
Hot girl #2: Hey, if you can rock a suit, you can rock my world.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Amen
I'm Pretty Sure That Makes You the Messiah!
Girl #1, in bathroom stall: Oh my god! I just peed for like 2000 years.
Girl #2, in another stall: Wow, that means that you're like 2000 years older.
--Phoebe's, Bowery & E 4th
Overheard by: wow, that's old.
My Dentist Told Me When He Filled My Teeth With Jelly
Hobo to couple: Right, right, so you take a donut, put it where it don't belong. Like in a tree. Now you got a tv. Take a cream cookie, wipe it on your mustache. Now you got a tv. I would put a chocolate cookie in the middle of a donut.
Woman: Oh my, where did you learn all this?
--Staten Island Ferry
Many Girls Get Peer-Pressured Into Lesbianism by Straight Friends
Chick #1, pointing at random person: Your team!
Chick #2: My team?
Chick #1: Your team.
Chick #2: Huh? My team?
Chick #1: Your team.
Chick #2: No, what? My team?
Chick #1: Your team.
Chick #2: Oh. My team.
--TKTS
Um, Didn't He Once Throw a Phone at His Assistant?
20-something girl, holding SpongeBob Square Pants playing cards: Look at the cards I'm getting!
Friend, shrieking and shaking: But I hate SpongeBob!
Woman, walking by: Why? He's nice.
--Duane Reade
Overheard by: Anna
More Like a Subscript Two
Mom to little boy: Did you go number two?
Boy: I did! It was so little!
--Train, Grand Central
Overheard by: He has so little to get excited about.
Does That Line Still Work, Mr. Stallone?
Man: I need the number for an ear doctor.
Woman: An ENT?
Man: Yeah, an ENT.
Woman: Why? What happened?
Man: In '86, I got hit in the head with brass knuckles.
--6 Train
Although I Guess Celebrating 4/20 Is Close Enough
Blonde: I love Cinco de Mayo!
Friend: Any excuse to drink is fine with me!
Blonde: Did you know that it's Mexico's Independence Day?
Friend: Doesn't everyone?
Blonde: I didn't. I just think it's so funny, because we don't even celebrate America's Independence Day.
Friend: What?
--Town Tavern
Overheard by: TJ
The Global Pussy System Stands Ready to Fulfill Our Most Deviant Desires
Frat boy #1: Dude, let's get some pussy!
Frat boy #2: Where?
Frat boy #1: Use your GPS!
--4th St & MacDougal St
...Is "Thomas's" a Country in Europe?
Middle aged woman: Excuse me, can you tell me where I can find English muffins?
Teen employee: All the muffins are in that aisle over there, but I don't know where they are from.
--Waldbaums Supermarket, Bayside
Unless There's a Downside I Don't See
Woman #1: You totally should get knocked up by him. With the child support you'd get, you'd be set for life.
Woman #2: I know! Right?
--Gym, Columbia University
Overheard by: Alison R.
And Only I Am Escaped Alone to Tell Thee
20-something girl: You know what I miss? The 90s.
20-something gay guy: Oh, hell no, girl. Do you remember the hair? People had all that damn Aqua-Net left over from the 80s and didn't know what to do with it!
--NYU
Overheard by: Chris
Also How the U.N. Functions
Chick #1: And I was like "Whaaaat?" Yo! Uh-huh.
Chick #2: I'm sayin'!
Chick #1: That shit was like...
Chick #2: Mmm-hmmm.
Chick #1: You know what I'm talking about.
--8th St b/w 5th & University
Overheard by: manhattman
...If They Promise Not to Get Drunk and Dance on Tables Again.
Little boy in blue blazer and khakis: I'm having a party. You can come.
Little girl in flower dress: (keeps skipping rope)
Little boy: You can bring your Lego people!
--25th St & Broadway
Does Hallmark Make a Card for That?
Middle-aged woman #1: Do you still see Paul and Adira?
Middle-aged woman #2: Well, I could call them any time.
Middle-aged woman #1: But then you'd have to have a relationship with them.
Middle-aged woman #2: It's not that I don't want to have a relationship with them...
(pause)
Middle-aged woman #1: But you don't want to have a relationship with them.
Middle-aged woman #2: Exactly.
--Columbus Circle
"Twats on Broomsticks"? I Think We've Found Our Band Name!
Girl #1, before movie: I don't even know what this movie is about.
Girl #2: I told you already--it's based on these books, they're kind of like Harry Potter, except with vampires.
Girl #1, after movie: That was nothing like Harry Potter. Harry Potter is twats on broomsticks. That was softcore porn.
--AMC Loews
Ever Imagine a World in Which the Subway Does Not Exist?
Drunk girl: Are you too drunk to drive?
Drunker girl: Fuck you. Indeed I am.
(she drives off)
--Matsumoto Inc.
Not All Of Confucius's Sayings Are Gems
Girl shopping for vegetables: What's the difference between these two kinds of broccoli rabe?
Asian farmer: One is Chinese broccoli rabe. It's more sweet. The other kind is bitter.
Girl: Why are some of them yellow and some of them green?
Asian farmer: That's just different names, like how some mens is short and some mens is tall.
--Fort Greene Farmers Market
Overheard by: Morning Glory
Your Boyfriend Must Be Incredibly Sexually Frustrated
30-something guy: Don't tell me you have a boyfriend, I know that's not true.
20-something girl: Actually, I wasn't going to say that. I was going to say "I don't do dick." But cool, have a nice day! (smiles and leaves)
--Grand Central Shuttle
Spencer Pratt, Is That You?
Passer-by to hobo: Nice chair!
Hobo: Why, thank you, I'm a professional bum.
--5th Ave & 22nd St
American Puritanism Is Alive and Living in Queens
Middle aged man: He's had trouble since the accident.
Middle aged woman: Yes, he's very intelligent. He just can't get it up.
--Astoria
Nothing a Little Duct Tape Can't Fix
Man: Virginity is a state of mind.
Woman: I beg to differ. My hymen has been ruptured.
--Brooklyn Lyceum
Pee-wee's Word Of the Day: "Whores!"
Suit #1: We need to come here more often and find some whores.
Suit #2: Yeah, whores are everywhere around here.
Suit #1: You always have to pay for whores with cash, it's when you use a credit card that they catch you.
--Marriot on Broadway
I'm Hoping TV Will Also Tell Me What I Should Do Next
Young woman #1: I just had a kid.
Young woman #2: You did?
Young woman #1: Yeah, that's why I'm all blowed up.
--14th St & Ave B
Can I Interest You in Some Sausage?
Drunk girl to random sober guy: Bacon! My hands are like bacon!
Sober guy: What are you, drunk?
Drunk girl: Just very, very, very hungry.
Sober guy: Proceed.
--NYU
Ladies and Gentlemen, Our Future.
Girl #1: I hate my life! I need to go out there! Like drive to Hawaii!
Girl #2: You can't drive to Hawaii, you don't even have a license!
--Bedford & N 8th
Overheard by: Bklynguts
What's Your Feeling on HIV, Then?
Hipster girl: I didn't know you smoked.
Hipster guy: Yeah. I know it's bad for me, but I really don't want to be old.
--Broadway & Broome
Don't Fag Hags Have to Take a Course on Such Things?
Gay guy #1: Well, I was fed up with Maria. I told her that the conversation was over. I said, "girl, this is it. You better stop this or I will cut you." Like "I know where you live, girl. You better watch your back."
Annoying Latina, laughing: Well, you better be careful if you go and cut her. I think she might have Aids.
Gay guy #2: Say what?
Gay guy #1: Okay, what?
Annoying Latina: Yeah, well, it's okay cause not all Aids are bad.
Gay guy #1: Girl, what are you talking about? Aids is Aids!
Annoying Latina: Yeah, but there's those people that live with it. Its not that bad.
Gay guy #2: Okay, girl, then you go get Aids and tell me how that goes.
--13th St b/w University Ave & Broadway
But I Was Going to Take You to a Comedy Show!
Comedy guy promoter to young JAP: Comedy show! Comedy show! Hey, do you like comedy?
Young JAP: Um... no.
Comedy guy: Come on, they're funny... just come!
Young JAP: Umm... no.
Comedy guy: Fine, don't come. But do you like tall skinny white men? Wanna go on a date?
Young JAP: Again: umm... no.
--14th St & Broadway
Headline by: Kelly Combs
Runners-Up:
· "Feigned Hesitation Is the Cruelest Of the Sarcastic Arts" - Aaron
· "How About Puppies? Everyone Likes Puppies!" - CJ
· "JAP Has No Sense Of Humor, Film at 11" - samson
· "She Actually Just Has a Rare Form Of Tourettes..." - Molly
· "What About Money?! I Bet You Like That!" - Zak Santucci
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Psh, Girls Do That All the Time
College guy, running away: I wasn't cheating! That's how you play hide-and-seek!
Girl, running after him with baseball bat: You can't hide home base!
--North Woods, Central Park
Ever Feel Like Your Whole Life Is One Big Prelude to an Adult Movie?
Indecisive girl at DiPaola's turkey stand: I'd like some... hot... Italian...
Guy selling turkey, eagerly: Yes?
Indecisive girl: Sausage.
--Fort Greene Farmers Market
Overheard by: Morning Glory
Just Like I Sensed When You Turned That "Douchebag" Corner
NYU college grad #1: Yeah, makes you think about the future.
NYU college grad #2: Don't worry. We know each other pretty well so I'll sense if you're turning into a prick.
--Bobst Library, NYU
Wednesday Will One-Liner Anything That Moves
50-something actress: I'm one of the founding sluts.
--Chelsea Studios
Overheard by: Joshy Sweetpants
Guy on cell: That's what I said: I fucked him, but I'm not attracted to him.
--81st & Columbus
Overheard by: Flooey
Adorable seven-year-old kid on bike: She liked it. Ashley liked it. Ashley's a whore.
--Havemeyer & 2nd, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Nathalie & Noah
Girl on cell: Well, I'm in a different place now. Now I'm a slut.
--W 4th & 6th Ave
Teenage girl on cell, beaming, as if she just had a revelation: Oh, I forgot you're a whore! (yelling triumphantly) You're a whore!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Emilia
200 Wednesday One-Liners, and There's Nothing to Watch.
Professor: Do you guys watch American Idol? It's painful.
--Lehman College
Film student #1: It's kind of like Cloverfield meets The L Word.
--Waverly Place & Broadway
Valley girl wearing UGGs, pointing to Guggenheim: Oh! I think this is the building where Blair and Serena live!
--Outside of Guggenheim
Really effeminate 40-something man: I always pick up when he calls, and he was so mad I didn't this time... but I couldn't, because I was still in mourning over American Idol!
--114th & Broadway
Overheard by: Melissa
Queer to female friend: I was watchin' Oprah the other day. Oprah is legit! She had Christina Applegate on. You know, that girl from Married with Children and she was talkin' 'bout her breasts. She got breast cancer and they took both of them off! She had on of them lumpectomies.
--J Train
Guy: That's the new American dream--fuck up your life so much that you get your own tv show.
--Fundraising Walk, Battery Park
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Wednesday One-Liners Only a Mother Could Love
Woman to another: I mean, about the thing... he is ugly but at least he get it up!
--Abingdon Square Park
Man to friend: Ugly people aren't people!
--10th St & 5th Ave
Suit: Yeah, I couldn't deal with the paparazzi. I once saw a picture of Katie Holmes with a pimple, and now I think she's the ugliest person I ever saw.
--Governors Island
Overheard by: Natalie
Girl to guy friend: I cannot believe you volunteered me like that! I'm going to start volunteering you to people... unattractive people. Like Leroy*.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Michael O'Connor
Bus driver on packed bus: Okay, everybody, we need to reorganize the bus. Can all the good-looking people move to the back of the bus, and all the ugly-looking people move to the front? Thank you.
--M86 Bus
Overheard by: Michael
Wednesday Undie-Liners
Woman on cell: Okay, but this time please stay out of my underwear drawer.
--Astor Place
Overheard by: Jess
Overconfident guy: I know, I know. You say you have a 3.7 at NYU Law, and the panties just drop.
--Dorm, NYU Law
Overheard by: holdingbacklaughter
Little old lady on park bench to another: Well, I've been stuffing my bra now, and now I can't find my money.
--Central Park West & 63rd St
Overheard by: Jen
Woman: My dog only eats my underwear. He doesn't eat my son's. He doesn't eat my husband's. Only mine! I wonder why. (pauses to think) Hmm... it must be that feminine smell.
--E 40th St
Overheard by: TMI
Livid man on cell: No! You can't have your underwear back!
--Chelsea
Vanity, Thy Name Is Wednesday One-Liners
Girl to guy: And I was like, "He bleaches his asshole, what does he know about anatomy?"
--Pratt Institute, Brooklyn
Seven-year-old girl to boy throwing mud at her: Watch it, Jakob! I wore eyeliner today!
--Fort Greene Park, Brooklyn
Very large woman on cell: It's called "Brazilian wax job." You only have to do it like every two weeks. Yep, it itches for a day or two, but it's worth every penny.
--PATH
Overheard by: Corey
Young lady with long curly hair to girlfriend: So, I started drying my hair with paper towels recently.
--Montague St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: E-Man>Master of the UNIVERSE!
Outraged feminine gay guy to another: He's having his lips redone... again!
--8th Ave & 20th St, Chelsea
Overheard by: Evan
Woman on cell: Girl, I don't understand why you gotta put on all that makeup just to go for a colonic!
--Washington Heights
Come on In-- The Wednesday One-Liner Is Fine!
20-something chick: Sea captains doing table-service is never okay.
--A Train
Overheard by: Ladle
Lady on Bluetooth: Well, if you prove to everyone that your vagina is as wide as an ocean, then go ahead!
--Brooklyn
Teenage girl to friend: So, I heard back from the lifeguard application. (pauses, then utterly bewildered) I need to know how to swim!
--Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: totheworld
Loud woman on escalator: No, you don't get it. When you're under water, you're not wet.
--Queens Center Mall
Overheard by: Burning Vegan
Middle-aged man watching seven-year old swimming deftly in shallow end: Oh, yeah? Well, I can drive. Can you? My feet can touch the bottom. Can yours?
--CUNY Swim Class
Overheard by: obyun
"You Have the Right to Remain Wednesday One-Liner"
Cop to another, about uniform and belt: I can't run in this thing.
--Havemeyer & 2nd, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Sandy Riverside
Random guy, watching 300-pound gangster being arrested: He was throwing the police around like pancakes!
--14th & 7th
Overheard by: Alex
Guy with garbage bag of purses on St. Patrick's Day: Leprechaun stole my pot o' gold and left me these damn bags! Who wants to buy some stolen shit while the cops are drinking?
--46th St b/w 6th & 7th
Overheard by: Madeline
Police officer to another: He knew I was on the force, and that nigga still gave me a ticket for speeding!
--1 Train
Female train conductor: Nigga, I hate them undercover cops! Always holding the doors! You can never be sure if they cops or if they just guys with gats!
--1 Train
Beware Of Wednesday One-Liner
Girl on cell with dog in her bag: So I was just like "You're a friggin douche!" (pauses and looks in bag) Fuck! My asshole dog just shit in my bag! (takes dog out) Oh my god! It shit in my lap! It's everywhere! Help me, Dana!
--D Train
Overheard by: Hahahahaaaaa
Passerby to young woman tying up about 10 dogs, singing: Who let the dogs out? Who?
--E 90th St
Six-year-old girl to mother: And then I said, "Oh, Shihtzu!"
--Houston & Orchard
Overheard by: j
Man on cell: I mean, I don't want to compare her to a dog. But, I just don't want to pet that, if you know what I mean.
--E 4th St & Lafayette
Overheard by: amanda
Large scruffy man in deli apron, watching hot Latina: Woof! (pause) Sorry baby, it's just the dog in me. Woof!
--2nd Ave & 94th St
Fat man to female friend: I don't know that dogs are delicious. Rather, I know that pork is.
--Broadway & Chambers St
Overheard by: Carolyn S
Girl, pointing at Dachshunds: Look, Chihuahuas!
--Winter Gardens
Tim Gunn's Guide to Wednesday One-Liners
Mystical store clerk to very serious customer: Yeah, I went through like half the winter like without the appropriate headbands!
--Bookstore
Overheard by: teen
Older woman to younger woman: At least you're not wearing windpants anymore. That's an improvement right there.
--Bedford Ave & N 5th St
Middle-aged businessman to two others: In my life I've seen, at most, three people who look good in spandex.
--40th St b/w 5th & Madison Ave
Teen on cell: I think we're going to need something more supportive than a fanny pack.
--113th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Jeremy
Fabulous hobo: Why does a homeless man wear couture? Because he wants to show off!
--Union Square
Wednesday Fatty-Boombalatty-Liners
Girls looking at pictures: He was mad fat, but he was a good ass baby.
--Uptown A Train
Guy walking through sea of sun bathers: There aren't even that many fat people here... That's good.
--Sheep Meadow, Central Park
Guy on cell: You're not skinny fat, no.
--East Village
Guy on cell phone: You mean you're not going to fatso's wedding!
--N Train
Overheard by: wasn't even invited
Female suit: Why the hell does Weight Watchers have so many big fat people working in their offices, anyway? That's so not inspiring!
--40th & Madison Ave
Guy on phone: You mean the really nice one? She got big? What do you mean by big? (pause) Oh. Well, she has an exceptionally beautiful face, man. Do the right thing.
--9th & 15th
Overheard by: Courtney
Wednesday One-Liners Go Directly to My Thighs
Professor, seriously: Were you involved in the jelly bean incident?
--Physics Hallway, Trinity School
Overheard by: Siena
CSR: Stale peeps are excellent! Now, that is one finely-aged peep.
--Hudson & Houston
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Man to friends sitting on bench: You either look at the girl or you look at the ice cream!
--Outside Sundaes & Cones, 10th & 3rd
Overheard by: The Girl Anonymous
Cheerful gift shop clerk on phone: So I got my peanut buttercups and then Anne* saw me on the street and came up to me, and punched me in the face and was all "Give me a peanut buttercup!" and I said "but there are only two in the package and I was saving one for Robert*!" Then she punched me in the face again!
--The Cloisters
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Greek waitress: Ice cream without whipped cream is like... girl without boyfriend!
--Diner, Bay Ridge
Overheard by: Jon A.
Wednesday One-Liner Repeats Itself
History geek: You laugh, but where would you be without the 18th century? The 20th century, not the 21st, that's where.
--New York Historical Society
Overheard by: Emily B.
Little boy looking at book about Presidents: I see John F. Kennedy, and I see Abraham Lincoln, and I see... what's his name? Hilary's wife?
--BookCourt, Brooklyn
20-something girl: There's this guy in my class who's like an Indian. But, I keep reading these things about how we were so horrible to the Indians and how there are none left, so where did he come from? Like, if there are none left, where did he come from?
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Beth!
Woman to daughter: You know what Henry VIII ruled with? He ruled with his dick!
--Penn Station
Teenage girl on cell, yelling: Victorian era lesbians! Not Edwardian! Lesbians weren't nearly hot enough in the Edwardian era! Yeah, we should probably watch it together.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: I really hope it's porn
...Have You Ever Seen Weekend at Bernie's?
Boy to girl: Hey, when you die, can I have your body?
Girl: To do what with?
Boy: Um...
--Cafeteria, The Bronx
Dad's Still Hoping for a Little Lesbian
Little girl, pointing at a bathtub full of candy balls: What are those, daddy?
Dad: Those balls are dirty.
--Candy Shop, 63rd St & 3rd Ave
...So I Yelled, "Shut the Fuck Up, Bitch!"
Teen girl to friend: So, she's banging on my door; banging and screaming and yelling...
Teen friend: Fo' real?
Teen girl: Yeah! So she's banging and screaming at me... I wanted to yell at her "Shut the fuck up!" but then I remembered that she was my mom.
--3 Train
Overheard by: Somsharp1
But I Eat You Anyway
Girl: And sometimes I just don't like seafood, you know?
Guy: Sometimes, I just don't like you.
--67th St & Lexington
Overheard by: Liz
...And a Warm and Hearty "Suck It" to Your Entire Family
Suit to woman blocking left side of escalator: Politely excuse me, could you move aside? (woman waves man around and keeps chatting on cell)
Suit, politely: Ma'am, you should stay to the right if you are standing.
(woman angrily waves, mutters)
Suit, pushing her past: Fucking cunt!
Woman, politely: Fuck you, bitch.
--WTC PATH Station
Overheard by: Mondo Man
Of Course, We're All Afraid She's Gonna Choke
Guy: She should be taking on an extra load now.
Girl: She should be taking everyone's load.
--PATH
The Difference Between a Kirstie and a Kardashian
Guy, trying to sneak past chubby girl behind counter: You gettin' fat?
Chubby girl: I ain't fat, I'm a fat-ass. There's a big difference.
--W 103rd St & Broadway
Or More Of a Leisure Activity?
Lawyer's, interviewing prospective jurors: Have you or anyone in your family been the victim of a crime?
50-something woman: Well, we've all been mugged... is that a crime?
--New York Supreme Court
Overheard by: Robin
Red Alert! RED ALERT!!
Cashier to woman hurrying towards exit: Hey! What are you doing?
Woman: What? I ain't done nothin'.
Cashier: Where's the bag of beer that was on this counter? You took it.
Woman: No I didn't! I didn't! I don't got no beer!
Cashier: Yes, you do. You have it. Now give it back.
Woman: I don't know what you talkin' about! (runs out the door, holding something under her jacket)
(older male employee walks in)
Man: What was that?
Cashier: She just stole from us, Mike! Follow her!
Man: Nah, calm down. It's not a big deal.
Cashier: She took your beer!
Man: What? (runs after her)
--Hallmark, Park Slope
Overheard by: Concerned
Ah, Melanoma, the Legendary Island Of Romance!
College girl #1: Yeah, I'll come back covered in mosquito bites and sunburnt, but I'll be the happiest camper.
College girl #2: That's okay. The burn will fade to a tan and you'll look gorgeous.
College girl #1: No, it won't. My burns never turn to a tan. I'm Irish: they turn to melanoma.
--E Train
Overheard by: Tara
Do I Look Like a Congressman to You?
Wasted yuppie dude: Officer, officer!
Cop: Yeah?
Wasted yuppie dude: That bouncer at Stan's?
Cop: Yeah?
Wasted yuppie dude: He's on fucking steroids!
Cop: So?
--159th St & River Ave, Bronx
Overheard by: Matt
Because You Fear Her Power?
20-something guy #1: I don't need, like, a mansion, or a million cars, just a job that pays enough to live and get around and, you know, have a lot of clothes.
20-something guy #2: Dude, but then you get married and she takes all the money. I'm telling you, every paycheck goes right in her purse.
--Broadway & 87th St.
Overheard by: married for love
God, I Love New York
Elevator operator: What floor, please?
Old lady: Home, James.
--Metropolitan Museum of Art
...Though He May Be the One I Just Blew in the Bathroom.
Gay man, getting off plane, to gay flight attendant: Hey, it's great to see you again!
Female flight attendant: Have you been here recently?
Gay flight attendant: Hell no, girl. I haven't been here in forever. I don't know who the fuck that man is.
--LaGuardia Airport
...But Could You Hold the Soup?
Dumb woman looking at Chinese takeout menu: Chicken and rice soup. What's in it?
Confused woman behind counter: Chicken and rice.
Dumb woman: In a soup?
Confused woman: Yeeaah. That's why it's called "chicken and rice soup."
Dumb woman: Okay, I'll have that.
--E 23rd St b/w Park Ave & Madison Ave
Overheard by: Janine
Raise Your Hand If You've Played Tetris 'til You Twitched Involuntarily
Girl: He had Tetris.
Guy: Tetris?
Girl: You know, when you twitch involuntarily.
Guy: Oh, you mean Tourette's syndrome!
--6 Train
He Has Premature Irrigation Problems
Girl: So why'd she break up with him?
Guy: Apparently, she didn't let him "tour her garden."
Girl: Not even a little?
Guy: She didn't even open the gate.
--Millennium High School
Can We at Least Agree That We Both Hate Freedom?
Little boy with toy machine gun #1: I'm the traitor!
Little boy with toy machine gun #2: I'm the traitor!
Little boy with toy machine gun #1: I'm the traitor!
Little boy with toy machine gun #2: I'm the traitor!
(repeated over and over)
--Marine Park, Brooklyn
That's Not a Lisp, It's Castilian
Smart girl: Well, he needs to check with his partner to see if we can have dogs in the apartment.
Hot guy: So, do you think he's gay?
Smart girl: No! He's Spanish.
--Pelham Parkway & Cruger Ave, The Bronx
Overheard by: Dazed and Confused
Some Fairy Godmothers Are Harsher Than Others
Bimbette #1: So then I found out he hooked up with Amy while I was peeing in the bathroom.
Bimbette #2: Did you still sleep with him?
Bimbette #1: Yeah, of course! Why should I let her have all the fun? I just don't know what to do now, though cause I feel like I had her sloppy seconds.
Random lady sitting in front of them: Girls can you shut the hell up already? I'm trying to enjoy a quiet train ride home. No one here cares who you slept with, we all know you're gonna be with a different guy next week, anyway.
(girls jump up and run out of train car, one in tears)
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Couldn't hold back the laughs
...But Good One.
Blind man: Alright, man, I'll see ya tomorrow.
Friend: You won't see nothing, you're blind!
Blind man: Shut up!
--23rd St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Amanda
That's Why Cities Are Comparable to Pop-Up Books
Obvious tourist #1: I love it when you step out of the train station, and it's like... Bam! City!
Obvious tourist #2: Yeah. City life.
--Amtrak Train
Overheard by: broken headphones
Headline by: limescentedguy
Runners-Up:
· "I Hear Prison's the Same Way" - time served
· "Or It's Like ... Bam! Gunshot!" - emeril
· "That's Not the City, That's Chuck Norris" - Matt M.
· "Then BAM! You've Been Mugged." - Fresca P.
· "Tourist, The Other White Meat" - Stick'em Up
· "Two Weeks Later They Finally Found Their Way Out Of Penn Station" - BabakganoosH
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
...Then Take the 1 to the Bronx.
Tourist on shuttle headed towards Grand Central: I'm sorry, how do I get to Times Square?
Guy: Take this train two stops.
--Times Square
And Get a Professional Assessment Of the Area
Dude #1: Yeah, I'm talking about my scrotum.
Dude #2: Just to be specific.
Dude #1: My nutsack. (pause) Man, I gotta go back to that strip club.
--55th b/w 5th & 6th
According to the IRS
Gay man: I deserved it.
Hobo, jumping into the conversation: I deserve two dollars!
--East Village
Tiffani Never Did Get to the Part Where They Consumed It
Tween girl with whiskers painted on face: Did you hear what happened?
Tween friend: No, what?
Tween girl with whiskers painted on face: She pooped in a cup!
(both laugh hysterically)
--Bleecker & Mercer
Overheard by: sunny day.
What? Asshole?
Suit on cell, holding a bouquet of yellow roses: Yeah, I just bought my girlfriend some flowers because I fucked her sister.
Student, walking by: Nice job, asshole.
Suit, turning around with a smile: I know! You should try it some time!
--John St
Sometimes, We Don't Even Want to Know.
Guy #1: I mean, if it's a noose, it's better to have a drop than just hang there.
Guy #2: Yeah, no way, man.
Guy #1: On the other hand, if it's a meat hook, a drop would do some serious internal damage.
--W 35th & 9th
No More Late-Night Cinemax for You, Young Man.
Young woman: I heard this funny joke. A man comes home and his wife says "Your boss called and said that you were fired." The man answers "Fuck him!", and the woman says "I did, and now you have your job back."
Woman's husband: I don't get it.
Eight-year-old son: C'mon dad, she made out with the boss!
--F Train
And If You're Really Good, We'll Do Some Lines Before Bed
Snobby housewife to six-year-old girl on toy bicycle: Do you want to share an iced coffee with me later?
Six-year-old: Yes!
--70th St & Broadway
Overheard by: whatever happened to ice cream as an incentive?
Annette's Mental Speed Is About the Same As That Of a Post Office Line
Man #1: Excuse me, do you know when this post office closes?
Woman: I don't know.
Man #2: I think it's open all the time. It doesn't close.
Woman: You mean it's open 48 hours?
--Post Office, 32nd & 8th
Overheard by: EthanK
...Vomit It Up, and Then Rent It Out at Outrageous Prices.
Middle aged man #1: Blah blah blah, global warming is bad, blah blah blah.
Middle aged man #2: I'm a landlord. I eat global warming!
--95th St & Columbus Ave
Overheard by: shmilda
Which Expains Anglina Jolie
Man #1, in chaise lounge: Men and women have totally different criteria for attractiveness.
Man #2, also in chaise lounge: How so?
Man #1: A guy can look like a fucking bullfrog in a Beatle wig, but if he's charming and especially if he has money, women will be all over him.
Man #2: Yeah, especially if he has money.
Man #1: But let's say a really hot chick walked past us right now in a thong, and another woman says to us, "watch out for her, she's been in and out of mental institutions."
Man #2: We'd still want to fuck her.
Man #1: Exactly.
Man #2: Point well taken.
--Douglaston, Queens
Overheard by: Big Larry
Stephen Hawking: Um...
Man #1: This is it, Times Square!
Man #2: Oh, so is this where time started?
--Times Square
Overheard by: Zack
...Or at Least Strippers Dressed As Cops.
Teenage boy to friend: So when I was walking by the store I saw this guy being dragged out in handcuffs.
Friend: Shit, why didn't you call the cops or something?
--Park Slope
Overheard by: areyouserious?
Brooklyn's Always Been a Special-Needs Borough
Woman: I don't mean to be mean, but you know, kids who are... underdeveloped mentally?
Man: Oh, retards?
Woman, relieved: Yeah!
--Downtown Brooklyn
Overheard by: Myrtle&Carlton
Professor: "Did You Bring Enough for the Whole Class?"
Professor to couple making out during lecture: Excuse me, what do you think you're doing?
Guy: Oh sorry, one of our friends bet us 50 bucks we wouldn't make out during a lecture.
Guy in front of him to his girlfriend: We have got to get in on that!
--Fordham University
Why Miss Cleo Got Fired from Her Flyer-Peddling Job
Comedy club rep: Hey, crackheads, come see a comedy show!
Woman: I'm not a crackhead.
Comedy club rep: ...yet.
--43rd & 7th
Isn't That Why the Lollipop Guild Was Formed?
Teacher: Which race of people were counted as 3/5 of a person during the 1850s in the South?
Student: Midgets.
--Williamsburg High School
I Didn't Know You Could Read Japanese!
50-something lady to 30-something daughter: I really want Japanese food.
30-something daughter: Where do you wanna go?
50-something lady: I see Japanese people in that restaurant. It must be sushi... what's it called?
30-something daughter: Nick's Pizza.
--Fortest Hills
Overheard by: Godzirra
Those Flames Are Just a Red Herring
Man #1, watching firemen climb a ladder and enter a brownstone: What are they doing? Why are there so many of them?
Man #2: Maybe somebody got stuck in the bathtub.
Man #1: You're probably right.
--75th St & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Stephanie
...Think That Makes Me Gay?
Awkward tall man: A pigeon hit me in the chest today.
Attractive woman: That's because your chest is where most people's heads are. It was attacking.
Awkward tall man: Yeah, but it just stimulated my nipples a little bit.
--Greenpoint
Overheard by: Fatericbana
Forever to Be Known As the Inventor Of the Banana Schweppes
Guy: Awww, man, did you hear? Billy's in the hospital!
Girl: Oh no! What happened?
Guy: He only ate bananas and pop for like two weeks straight.
Girl: Shit, that sucks. Poor Billy!
--Williamsburg, Brooklyn
Everything They Know About Harlem They Learned from Denzel Washington Movies
Ozzie #1, leaving bar: We should like, go to church tomorrow.
Ozzie #2: Like in Harlem?
Ozzie #1: Yes! Church there is awesome!
--7th St & Ave A
Overheard by: AgnosticLocal
What Happens to Hugh Hefner's Exes, 20 Years Later
Girl #1: Wow, the Easter Bunny stuffed animals are on sale.
Girl #2: Let's buy some for your sister.
Crazy lady: You can buy one bunny. You can buy lots of bunnies! And then they'll take you away!
--Duene Reade
Overheard by: Bunny Attack?
Wait 'Til They Have Their Sex Conversation
Five-year-old kid: What's that?
Mom: That's baseball. Like on a Wii but in real life.
--Central Park & E 96th St
...First Of All, I Find That Incredibly Heteronormative...
Hobo to college graduate in cap and gown: Oh yeah boy! You got it going on! I bet you get all the bitches!
College grad: Well...
--Penn Station
And a Whole Slew Of "Uncles"
Italian teen #1: Why don't we just wait in line like everyone else?
Italian teen #2: Cause we aren't like everybody else. We have fathers!
--W 3rd & Sullivan St
Overheard by: Ronnie
Chastity, How Did You Get So Smart?
Tween girl #1: Where did the term, "horny" come from?
Tween girl #2: Because when guys are horny, that's what their dicks look like. Horns.
Tween girl #1: Then how come we use the word for chicks, too?
Tween girl #2: Because their nipples get hard and look like horns! God, you're so stupid!
--Central Park
Arby's Is Hilarious
Boyfriend: Who tried to poison me twice already?
Girlfriend: Hehehe... that was funny.
--26th St & Lexington
I've Barely Even Raped and Pillaged!
Lady selling comedy tickets: Come on guys, have the last laugh before the weekend ends!
Guy in pirate costume: No! It can never end!
--42nd & 7th
Overheard by: Emm
Disco Only Smells Like It Died
Sanitation worker to hobo with cart full of bags: You going to throw them away?
Hobo: Naw, I'm gonna go and do my hustle.
--33rd & 7th
Overheard by: EthanK
...Do It-- Here's My Insulin Kit
Stoner #1, eating ice cream: Man, I want to eat a oatmeal-raisin cookie. With chocolate chips. Inside a chocolate chip brownie.
Stoner #2: Shit, man.
--Gramercy Park
Overheard by: yum
Is That an Ethnic Slur? Discuss.
Old codger #1: McDonald's are a lot safer now, cops to go them.
Old codger #2: Yeah, probably to get McFlurrys.
--D Train
Overheard by: JDRK
Junk Food, If You Follow Me
Boy #1: What's up with you two, anyway?
Boy #2: I mean I should just break up with her, because at this point I'm just using her for food.
--NYU Library
How Ron Jeremy Learned to Auto-Fellate
Five-year-old son: Daddy, I'm really hungry.
Dad: (ignores him)
Five-year-old son: Daddy, I'm really hungry!
Dad: Well, then eat your head!
--87th & 1st
...Is That Why You Make Me Wear Dresses?
Woman, clearly winding up a long rant: ...and that's why I don't need no fuckin' man in my life!
Toddler son: Mmmmmhmm, mommy.
--Fort Greene, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Katie Naum
Because Postal Workers Are Legendary for Having Such Great Senses Of Humor
Post office dude: Where is this going to?
Chick: Germany.
Post office dude: Is there anything hazardous to your health in there?
Chick: Uh no, just magazines. And well, some of my hair that's stuck to that tape on the package as well.
Post office dude: Oh, I don't know what customs has to say about that. They will have to deal with that. But wait, I will check.
Chick: That was a joke! I'm not sending hair!
Post office dude: What, but you just said...
Chick: Wow. It was a lame joke! You can literally see half of my scalp under that tape. I tried to cut it with my teeth and and some of my hair got stuck under it... Nevermind!
Post office dude: Ugh. $16.56, please.
--Post Office, Brooklyn Heights
Strangely Enough, It Was to Lucky Cheng's
(train is crowded, and moaning can be heard. Once the car empties, two six-foot-tall trannies can be seen)
Tranny #1: (moans sexually while caressing poles)
Tranny #2 to random man exiting train: Where are you going, bitch?!
--1 Train
On eHarmony, No Less.
College girl #1: For two people who've been together for so long, Jen and Mike really haven't done much in bed. She was so surprised to hear how far I went with Steve.
College girl #2: I thought they've had sex?
College girl #1: Yeah, but he's never seen her boobs!!
College girl #2: They had sex and he's never seen her boobs? Nate has seen my boobs--does that make me a whore?
College girl #1: Steve has seen my boobs too...
College girl #2: Who is more of a whore?
College girl #1: Me--definitely me.
College girl #2: I don't think so.
College girl #1: Let's have a competition.
College girl #2: I met him over the internet!
College girl #1: Oh yeah! You win.
--Union Square
Which We'd Said Many Times Before, in a Slightly Different Context...
Middle-aged frat boy #1: So one night, we decided to sleep at Arby's.
Middle-aged frat boy #2: So how did that work out for you?
Middle-aged frat boy #1: Not well. We had to leave. Bob could have blown like a .4, and he was the most sober of us. So he drove to this hotel, and we didn't notice until the next day that it was Punxsutawney where the groundhog is! We woke up and were like, "why are there all these beavers?"
--7 Train
Overheard by: D-Law
You Really Don't Want to Read Weird Endearments from Your Friends
Ghetto kid #1: Yo, bro, stop textin' me!
Ghetto kid #2, across the street: Bro, I'm not tryin' to text you, I'm tryin' to text my bitch, but your number is right under my bitch's number, so when I'm tryin' to text my bitch, I text you instead!
Ghetto kid #1: Bro, just stop textin me!
Ghetto kid #2: I'm tryin' to text my bitch!
--94th St & Amsterdam
Overheard by: NOT his bitch either
Hey, Who Took Whom to a Musical?
12-year-old boy to older brother, as they leave the theater: I liked that! I loved the ending! What'd you think!?
Older brother, shrugging: Eh, it was okay, I guess.
12-year-old boy: No! It was great! I was really rooting for the wicked witch!
Older brother: Dude, you're so queer.
--Wicked Theatre
Sarah Jessica Parker Has Never Cared About That
Brunette meeting up with friend: Hey. You know your outfit is hideous?
Blonde: Yeah, I know.
--Manhattan
...Now That You've Warmed It for Me.
Jamaican woman: Just give me the fucking birth certificate and let me go!
Man: No! Did you just come here to fuck up my day?
Jamaican woman: We're on 23rd and 5th! Just give me the fucking birth certificate and my money!
Man: Why are you always trying to fuck me up like this?! I'm not giving you nothing! Leave me alone, I do not have to give you the birth certificate!
Jamaican woman: Fine! You take that birth certificate and put it where the sun don't shine!
(storms off, returns a minute later)
Jamaican woman: Now give me the birth certificate.
--Madison Sqaure Park
Overheard by: Anniemal
Meanwhile Her Ghost Will Be Right Here, Reading Me Stories.
Woman to ten-year-old daughter: And then we'll go to the cemetery to visit nana.
Four-year-old son: Can I come to the cemetery, too?!
Woman: No.
Four-year-old son, defiantly: Well, you're not going to see nana anyway. You're just going to see her grave!
--59th St & Lexington
Overheard by: Rachel C.
Why You Shouldn't Teach Little Kids About Fascism: Explained.
Yuppie father: You will learn Italian.
Four-year-old daughter, yelling: Noooo! I wanna have fun!
Yuppie mother with French accent: But you had fun learning French! You will have fun learning Italian.
Four-year-old daughter: Nooooooooo!
--Park Slope
Overheard by: D-Law
Ah, the Circle Of Life
Drunk 20-something girl: Can I get fries for four dollars? I have four dollars. I need fries.
Waiter: No.
Sober 20-something homeless guy: I'll buy you fries.
Drunk 20-something girl: Oh my god, you're such a lifesaver. Do you want some weed?
--Diner, 14th St & 6th Ave
Also Because You're Wearing Short-shorts and Rollerskates
Teenage boy #1: All I'm saying is it's false advertising. If you suck dick, you should say you suck dick.
Teenage boy #2: But then everyone will think you're a fag.
Teenage boy #3: No, no way. You're telling me that just because I meet a guy whose dick I want to suck, people will think I'm a fag?
--The Loop, Prospect Park, Brooklyn
Overheard by: octopus
Maybe I Should See If My Giant Leg Fits Up Your Ass
Late 20s Middle Eastern sales guy: Hey, do you need help with anything?
Early 20s average sized girl: I really like these boots but I can't get them zipped up my calf. They are too tight.
Late 20s Middle Eastern sales guy: Oh, I see. This happens often. We have a machine that can safely stretch them for you. (goes to the back and stretches each boot twice, then brings them back to girl)
Early 20s something girl: Ugh, they still wont zip up. Can you stretch them anymore?
Late 20s Middle Eastern sales guy: Well, they've already been stretch twice... There's not much more I can do. Maybe you should just lose weight.
--4th & 7th
Just Spit Like I Do, It's Only Bad If You Swallow...
Brunette, looking at menu: What's cream sauce?
Blonde: I don't know, but I feel like it's really bad for you.
Brunette: Yeah, you're right. I'm getting fries.
--Cafeteria, Fordham University
Headline by: Derek
Runners-Up:
· "America's Obesity Problem:" - catsandgnomes
· "Freshmen 15 Here I Come!" - james
· "Potatoes Are a Vegetable, Right?" - Skug Skellum
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I'm Calling the Fashion Police!
(horsey tourist girl walks right into tiny fashionista in giant Chanel sunglasses)
Horsey tourist girl, screaming: Was that really necessary?
Tiny fashionista, confused: You're the one who ran into me.
Horsey tourist girl, still screaming: There are 50,000 people in this city. Learn how to walk.
Tiny fashionista, calmly: Eight million, actually.
(horsey tourist girl stomps off)
Tiny fashionista, yelling after her: Your shoes are ugly!
--50th St & 5th Ave
That's 15 Seconds Of Reading Time I'll Never Get Back
Teen boy #1, dressed in leather biker jackets and combat books: I've done nothing for days except drink beer and smoke pot. I drink, and I smoke, and I drink, and I smoke, and then I get on the train. To go drink and smoke.
Teen boy #2, wearing same outfit: I know.
Boy #1: But I've got to enjoy it now, you know? When I turn 18, everything is going to change.
Teen boy #2: Dude, totally.
Teen boy #1: When I turn 18, I'm either going to get a car, get a really big tattoo, or get a girlfriend.
Teen boy #2: Really?
Teen boy #1: Yeah, totally. It's going to be way different.
Teen boy #2: What kind of car?
Teen boy #1: Something cool. Maybe a Toyota Corolla or something. I want to be able to go to New Palz whenever, you know? And hang out with my crew up there.
Teen boy #2: New Palz is so cool.
Teen boy #1: I know.
--F Train
Girls Never Make Passes/ At Boys' Shitty Asses
Guy: So then he put my Speedo on his head and I was like "Dude! That was from the dirty basket!"
Girl: Gross! Did he get pink eye?
Guy: No?
Girl: I heard that if you get poop in your eye you get pink eye.
Guy: I don't poop in my Speedo!
--Times Square
Overheard by: oh?
Vegetarians Won't Eat Anything with a Wednesday One-Liner
(man standing on bus gets a little too close to the man sitting in front of him)
Sitting man: Wrong person, right day. Son, do not put your genitals in my face!
--M101 Bus
(skateboarder tries to do a trick on the curb and flies face-first onto pavement)
Skateboarding friend, checking on him: Dude! His face looks like a clitoris!
--Union Square
Overheard by: I Looked Away
Crazy man to another: What the fuck's the matter with your face, man? You look like a fuckin' Rottweiler! Shit!
--Q Train
Creepy doorman to male tourist: If you wake up in the morning with a bush in front of your face, don't ask any questions.
--30 Rock
Overheard by: MusicMagGirl
A Piñata Full Of Wednesday One-Liners
Eight-year-old boy, matter-of-factly, to dorky dad: Mexican people like to put animals on their shoulders.
--108 St & Broadway
Black guy to white woman: Anyway, it turns out--and this is really weird--in Texas, they hate Mexicans as much as they hate African Americans!
--17th St & 8th Ave
Man to another: I just want to be gang-raped by a group of Latinos.
--Chelsea
Overheard by: Mike
Exasperated woman to friend: And this is why I don't interfere when it comes to Mexicans!
--1 Train
Overheard by: Green Star
10-year-old to friend: You have the same name as a short, fat Mexican boy!
--Maria Hernandez Park, Bushwick
Latino gay to white gay: You have good genes, you just don't have the Latino gene that makes your face moisturize naturally. I'm like the Dick Clark of faggotry!
--12th & 1st
Overheard by: H-Bomb
Teen to friend: Make sure that you're in Guatemalan mode.
--114th & Broadway
Overheard by: Jeremy
The Superfluous Eruditeness Of Wednesday One-Liners
Pompous, insane English professor: Right now I am being plagued by a contagion, but I will return your reports anon.
--Barnard College
Student, to friend who just bashed the side of his head: What the hell? You're hurting my ganglia!
--Columbia University
Overheard by: John David
Black mom to teen daughter walking away from her: No, you get back here and listen to what I'm sayin! You gotta pay attention--niggas be instigatin!
--Nassau & Fulton
Overheard by: Tigertail
First year legal scholar: I feel like our relationship is terminated for perpetuity.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: bunbury
Yuppie on phone: Wait. (pause) Bruhaha, right?
--70th & Broadway
Wednesday Two-Faced Liners
Fat naked guy on cell in NYSC locker room: I'm just leaving the bank now.
--New York Sports Club
Girl on cell: Hello? Oh, hi mom. Yeah, yeah, it's really early here. Yeah, it's about two in the morning. Yeah, the Eiffel tower was beautiful. Yeah, right to the top. And then we had crepes, yeah.
--Columbia University
Guy at urinal: I'm walking toward baggage claim, where are you?
--LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: Next urinal
Tweenybopper on phone: Hey, Xander? We're at my house. My mom says you and Corey can't come over. Sorry!
--Starbucks
Overheard by: Kaitlen
Grumpy old man, walking alone, on cell: I can't! I've got my grandson with me!
(pause) Bitch, why would I lie to you? (pause) Okay, love you too.
--Harlem
Bitch, Say My Wednesday One-Liner!
Professor: My name is John, but some people call me Godzilla!
--Baruch College
Overheard by: Nas T. Pezz
Middle school student to friend: Nike was probably invented by a guy named like Nathaniel Ike. Get it? N. Ike.
--Marymount School
White woman on cell: So do I call you Wayne? Weezy? Lil?
--Broadway & Lafayette
Overheard by: kdice
Thug to another: What?! Upstate?! Nigga, no no no! Hell no! I ain't trustin no nigga named Chad. Who the fuck names a nigga Chad?
--F Train
Man on cell: Aw, come on! You shittin' me. Ain't no muthafucka named "gay-org!"
--5th Ave & 23rd St
Overheard by: manhattman
Teen girl on cell: My name is "princess," not "yo!"
--B61 Bus, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Tastypaper
Conductor: This is Carrol Street, named after my ex-wife, Carrol Garden. She was great.
--F Train
Wednesday One-Liners Call It "Direct Marketing"
Guy selling city maps, singing to beat of nearby music: Who needs a map? Who needs a map? It's not a trap!
--Central Park
Ghetto guy selling knockoff perfumes on street: Don't ask me where I got em' from, just get em' before the police come. I got DKNY, my mami J.Lo... Get em' folks! Get em'
--23rd & 6th
Overheard by: Alli
Street vendor to customer examining knockoff purses: Hurry it up. I need money.
--Madison & 59th St
Overheard by: Jennifer
Wannabe hip hop artist: Y'all like hip hop? Please look at my CDs. Miss, you have a beautiful forehead. Please buy my CD.
--Times Square
Guy handing out fliers: Hey! You guys like vagina?
--Times Square
Overheard by: Brett
Wednesday Keeps Popping Out One-Liners
Drunk woman to another: Well, I will see your divorce and raise you an illegitimate pregnancy!
--Court St & Atlantic Avenue, Brooklyn
Girl to super skinny girl: You look pregnant, I think I have a clothes hanger in my locker. You wanna come up and check with me?
--1st Ave & 3rd St
Dad holding baby to wife with another kid in stroller: Somebody's about to get pregnant up in here... It'll be like Maury Povich.
--Downtown 1 Train
Overheard by: NOT the father
Dude on bus to child: See, women, they get to grow people. And in exchange, we get to pee standing up.
--Q64 Bus
Overheard by: a people-grower
Girl to friend: You always seem to get pregnant at the worst times.
--Queens Center Mall
Overheard by: Jenn
Girl to friend: I'm feeling fertile. Who's going to tend to that feeling for me?
--2 Train
Latino guy to friends: That's what my name means in Portuguese, "pregnancy test positive."
--84th Drive, Queens
Wednesday One-Liners in Elbow-Patch Blazers
Professor: So I told my grad students they could have an A if they earned it, or if they beat me in a 12-minute cage fight.
--Fordham Universityy
Israeli politics professor, after class: There's enough Tylenol out there to take care of your hangovers after Purim. So, all your sorry little asses better be in this class at three o'clock, Wednesday afternoon.
--Yeshiva University
English professor: Yeah, the end of the poem relates to the beginning. Every good poem has a return... just like a good walk.
--Hunter college
Professor: Of course there was marital harmony! As we all know, the family who cuts drugs together, stays together.
--Fordham Law School
Overheard by: EntertainedStudent
Professor: An example of synecdoche would be, "get your ass over here." You want all of them, not just their ass. But sometimes, you do just want their ass. And we all know how that goes. But that sort of thing doesn't happen in a classroom... usually.
--NYU
Overheard by: queenofscots
Wednesday One-Liners Don't Have Room in Their Closets Anymore
Gay guy to friend: I woke up this morning with a condom hanging out my butt. Was that you?
--Madison Square Park
Gay 30-something: Ugh, Borat quotes are like the UGG boot of conversation.
--Broadway & Spring
Really gay guy to friend: You don't know about the Holy Trinity? It's Liza, Judy and Barbra!
--Fort Washington Ave. & 183rd St
Overheard by: RED
Flamboyant gay: My hair's too straight. I need to gay it up a bit.
--Bryant Park
Flamboyant guy: My life in New York has been more fabulous than I ever thought! I almost hit Elaine Stritch with a car this weekend!
--W 18th St
Overheard by: Dan Friedman
Wednesday One-Liners Expand Their Fecabulary
Cyclist: So he was all, "my shit is your shit," and I thought, "that's the most romantic thing I've heard."
--Central Park
Dude on cell, checking out sunblock: They don't have shit here. SPF 15 is too high!
--Duane Reade, Flushing
Toddler that dropped his toy: Oh, shit!
--7th Ave, Park Slope
10-year-old boy to friend: That was like the first time I ever took a shit in a public bathroom.
--2nd Ave & 9th St
Man in baggy jeans walking with gusto: Oh, yes, oh yeah. She wanted my shiiit... She wanted my shit!
--6 Train
Chick to friends: He is totally going to shit a tampon!
--84th St & Amsterdam
Wednesday One-Liners Support a Woman's Right to Shoes
Dude looking at girl shoes: If I were a chick I'd wear the ugliest shoes, I swear.
--5th Ave
Woman on phone call with son's teacher: I know he's in the big boy group, but if you see he put his shoes on the wrong feet again, could you just let him know, please?
--57th St & Madison
Four-year-old girl: My toes are in my shoes!
--Bus
Overheard by: vcstr
Girl, with pride: I can't get laid in this town without these pointy fucking shoes. My feet are so black and blue, and so are you!
--F Train
Overheard by: Ofelia Hiney
Gay guy to friend: Oh, c'mon, at its best, The Wizard of Oz is just a story about two women fighting over a pair of shoes.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Paul N.
"Young Adult" Wednesday One-Liners
Father to son: No five-year-old should be asking for Chilean sea bass for dinner.
--Joralemon & Court
Dapper man on cell: You used to be able to pass for twenty... uh... eight.
--Chelsea
Overheard by: Chuckell
Middle aged woman clutching Twilight book, trying to exit bus while reading: God! These novels for 13-year-olds make me hot!
--B7 Bus
Overheard by: i know, i love it too...
Prissy woman on cell: I don't care if he's six years old, he doesn't have to throw a fucking temper tantrum every time he wakes up. I mean, get over yourself.
--Washington Square
Overheard by: Eric
Guy to friend: I'm thirty years old now. I'm over thirty. I don't know how to live. I'm an "adult" now. But I don't know how to live--without someone taking care of me.
--F Train
Overheard by: Jason B
Older woman to almost-dead father: Dad, the doctor told me I have a 45-year-old vagina!
--Manhattan Office
Meet the Guy Who Makes the Subway Doors Open
Crazy ranting black guy: My divinity is hot... my arrows can block the clouds. I wanna be the Imperial Leader for all time. My lizards will rule everyone. If y'all do what I say, things'll be fine.
Annoyed black lady, as he continues ranting: Whatever they gave him, it was too much. Oh my god! Why we gotta deal with this shit? Economic crisis and all, and still gotta deal with crazy people!
Crazy ranting black guy: Son, I open doors. Try to clap your heels three times and open doors like me--you can't do it! In prison, in the hood...
Annoyed black lady, now yelling: Why pick a train? Why not go to the hood like you say? Go to wherever you started that shit and deal. You need a therapist for real!
--A Train
Overheard by: Tigertail
What If I'm Not Fresh?
Ginger boy to female friend: Next time we get drunk, can I fuck you in the armpit?
Female friend: That would be awkward.
--Juniper Valley Park
The Defense Invoked by Pedophiles
Future soccer mom #1: Oh, our two-year-old's day care is very New York.
Future soccer mom #2: How so?
Future soccer mom #1: They have a yoga instructor in the afternoons and a French teacher comes at least once a week.
Future soccer mom #2: Well, that kind of exposure is important at that age.
--Greenwich Village
Overheard by: Izzy