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August 2009 Archives
80's Pop: The Universal Language
Black dude in deli, listening to Michael Jackson on radio: I can't hear another Michael Jackson song.
Arab guy behind counter: How old are you?
Black dude: 25.
Arab guy: See, I'm 37. When I was five, until 15, this was all that was playing.
(Billie Jean is now playing) "Don't go around breaking young girls' hearts!"
Black dude: Too late.
--Brooklyn
Ooo, Let's Cast a Spell on Them!
20-something girl in full Luna Lovegood costume waiting to see Harry Potter, pointing to girl with mohawk: Jeez, their are some real weirdos in New York.
Friend, dressed as Snape: Yeah, real creeps.
--Movie Theater, Park Slope
...So Go Ahead and Make Your "Hardwood" Jokes
Slick guy: So, do the curtains match the carpet?
Hot bleached blonde: There is no carpet.
Slick guy: Oh.
--Starbucks, Times Square
...Though, Personally, I Prefer Darker Meat.
Older Hispanic gay man to guy in Subway sandwich costume: Uh sandwich, be careful someone doesn't eat you, darling.
Passers-by: (laugh)
Older Hispanic gay man: Whaaat? That's what you do to a saaandwich.
--9th & 2nd
Overheard by: eat me
I Love This Town
Truck driver to cab driver: What the fuck is wrong with you? Get the fuck outta the way!
Guy pushing baby stroller: Fucking cunt!
--Crosby & Houston
If Only I Knew What It Tasted Like...
Gangsta #1: A glass elevator! Supersonic!
Gangsta #2: Goin' down?
Gangsta #1: This thing looks like a giant condom.
Gangsta #2: Now I know what my cum feels like when I'm bangin' my girl.
--Apple Store, 59th St
Overheard by: Matt w
And It Won't Get the Semen Out of My Eye
Teenager #1: I said "my fault."
Teenager #2: You said "my bad"? "My bad" is not "I'm sorry"!
--Penn Station
Headline by: Ty
Runners-Up:
· "Actually, "My Bad" Is Like the Hawaiian "Aloha" ..." - erkala
· "And That's How Grammy and Grampy Made Me, Kids" - Kam
· "The Bush Twins Learned Early From Their Father...." - Lani Waters
· "The Fact That a Teenager Apologized Should Be Enough" - shenanigans
· "Yeah, Judas!" - mk
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Also the Premise Behind All Of Quentin Tarantino's Movies
Mom: I've told you to stop cursing so much!
Daughter: And I've told you, if I stopped cursing all the time, the other words in my sentences would get lonely!
--Central Park
Overheard by: Katherine
For the Last Time, That Was a Sarcophagus
Dad: What was your favorite part of the museum?
Smart looking four-year-old in glasses: The water slide.
--Downtown 1 Train
Overheard by: Loen
Even the Dogs Can Recite This Story by Now
Middle aged dad: Reminds me of something I saw around 1968. This hippie had two dogs...
Teenage daughter, interrupting: One was named Shitsy McFuck and the other was named Fucksy McShit.
Middle aged dad: I guess I told you that story before, huh?
Teenage daughter: So many times, I can't believe you're not in a nursing home.
--In Line to see Art Exhibition, W46th St
Overheard by: Big Larry
...But How About a Smidge Darker, Like My Soul?
Cashier: What can I get for you?
Black woman: I'd like a bagel, toasted. Can you do that? (cashier looks confused) Ya know, like my skin? Really dark?
Cashier: Uh, sure.
--Bagel Express
Overheard by: can you do it like my skin to?
They Wouldn't Put Anything on the Internet That Isn't True!
Older brunette woman: I'm thinking about dying my hair blonde, and maybe I'll even dye the hedges!
Older red-haired woman: Is that safe?
Older brunette woman: Hm. Let's google it!
--CVS Pharmacy
...You Dutchbag.
Black guy: And lemme get two Dutches...
Store clerk: (puts them on the counter)
Black guy: And lemme also get that ... that female Dutch.
Store clerk: (looks confused)
Black guy: You know, man, that female Dutch. You know what I'm talkin bout, man.
Store clerk, pointing to various items: This one? This one?
Black guy: Nah, man, you know, that female Dutch! For the pussy, man! For the pussy!
Store clerk: (takes down a douche) This one?
Black guy: Yeah, yeah! See? You knew what I was talkin bout!
--130th St & Lenox Ave
Overheard by: Kosi
...Just Throw a Sweater Over That "Go Palestine!" T-Shirt
Female coworker: I just don't think I'm looking in the right places to meet guys.
Jappy coworker: Just get a group of girls together, and go to services at B'nai Jeshurun, I hear it's a meat market on Shabbat.
--Upper West Side
Overheard by: Melissa
Why Pebbles Went Off to Make New Friends
Man, making finger-gun gesture with both hands pointing at woman: A snake like you.
Woman, unimpressed: Bam bam.
Man: A snake like you.
Woman: Bam bam.
Man: A snake like you.
Woman: Bam bam.
Man: A snake like you.
Woman: Bam bam... Bam bam...
--Penn Station
You're Not Homeschooling, Are You?
Girl: But you got kids!
Guy: No, I don't. I got a kid.
Girl: That's the same thing!
Guy: No it ain't! "kids" is with a "z."
--Graham Ave & Broadway, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Holly
A Good New York Day Is a Day You Don't Get Someone Else's Poo on You
Girl in bathroom stall: Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!
Girl by sink: What?
Girl in bathroom stall: I just flushed the toilet because there was blue stuff in it and it splashed everywhere! I just saw that there's poo in the blue stuff!
Girl by sink: Gross! Did it get on you?
Girl in bathroom stall: It splashed my butt! Someone else's poo splashed my butt!
--Regal Cinemas, Union Square
How Do You Think I Got Into That Sorority?
Girl #1: I want to get pregnant in March. Let's get pregnant in march.
Girl #2: Wait, where are we now?
Girl #1: My uterus is ready.
Girl #2: I had a full checkup, and my uteri are great.
Girl #1: Oh my god, you have two uteruses? You are awesome! You have utters. You have yoo-utters!
Girl #2: Yeah, I have three breasts.
--Cafe near Columbia
Overheard by: DL
...Which Isn't Degrading If She Likes It.
Girl: She doesn't have sex.
Gay guy: Ugh. Why not? She looks like a dirty whore.
Girl: I don't know...
Gay guy: Like the kind of whore you'd spit on after cumming on her face.
--Bryant Park
So, Technically True...
Tourist dad: Sorry, but where are we right now?
Local: Midgard.
Tourist dad: Thanks! Wait, what?
--Union Square
Overheard by: kabu
I Mean, That's Something You Learn In, Like, Kindergarten
Diva #1: So I am not sure what to do about her.
Diva #2: What's her birthday?
Diva #1: I don't know, sometime in June.
Diva #2: Oh oh oh! Hold up, she is a Gemini!
Diva #1: Yeah, she is.
Diva #2: You never trust a Gemini. I never trust 'em. Girl, I can't believe that you trusted a Gemini.
--L Train
That Neon-Orange Fannypack Alone Is Grounds for Exile
Tourist, taking photo to woman walking in front of camera: Hey! You ruined my picture!
Aggravated city woman: And you ruined my city!
--Grand Central Station
Overheard by: couldn't agree with you more!
And We Don't Even Have Cars There
Black hipster girl being given directions: Huh? Crosswalk? What is a "crosswalk"?
Shop girl: Honey, I'm from Ohio and I know what a crosswalk is!
--Vintage Store, West Broadway
Overheard by: Murray
Only in the Event Of His Demise, Honey
10-year-old girl in store: Mommy, I want this too!
Mother: No, that's it, we have no more money.
10-year-old girl: That's not true, daddy said we are millionaires.
--83rd St & Madison Ave
While You're Still Paying for All That Unprotected Sex
Brunette sister: Ally did turn into a slut in college!
Blonde sister: She's our sister!
Brunette sister: She's getting more than we did in college! Although I got more than you.
Blonde sister: Yeah, probably. I'm paying for the lattes.
--Starbucks, Bryant Park
Ever Get the Sense That Every Day Is Like an Episode Of Springer?
Tall, gorgeous girl to much shorter, uglier boyfriend: Why do you need to know were I was last night? I thought you said our relationship was all about trust!
Boyfriend: I'm your boyfriend! I have a right to know where you were and who you were with!
(as they stop walking and argue loudly, a small crowd begins to gather)
Tall girl: Do you thing I was cheating? Why would you think that? You're the one that said you're the only one that will ever love me!
(crowd boos boyfriend)
Boyfriend: I am the only man that will ever love you!
Random guy in crowd: I love you!
Boyfriend: You love me?
Random guy: No you douchebag, your girlfriend!
--Broadway & Wall St.
Pastor Dan Taught It to Us!
Dad, to group of six-year-olds: What do you guys want to play today?
Boy: Crab salad!
Dad, confused: How in the world do you "play" crab salad?
Boy: We cover ourselves with mayonnaise and then run around and pinch each other!
--Central Park Playground
Overheard by: Mark
A Cautionary Tale About Mushrooms
Tourist #1: Isn't it smurf that when you talk like a smurf people still smurf what you want to smurf?
Tourist #2: What?
--Times Square
...Then I Match Them Up Based Upon the Probability That You'll Sleep with Me.
Student: How are you grading the papers?
Teacher: Well, at home I have these two hats. In one hat I put the names of all the students. In the other hat I put all of the possible grades...
--NYU
And, Also, That I Be White.
Asian teen to black friend: So my grandmother is making me learn Chinese. Does she not get that I don't wish to visit, let alone live, in China?! Like ever?
Black friend: I hear you loud and clear. Ever since Obama became President my granny has not stopped requesting that I birth her great grandchildren in Hawaii with a Kenyan diplomat.
--1 Train
Overheard by: well good luck to you
Ooo, Let's Become Blood Sisters!
Girl #1: So I told her she should totally come to the beach on Saturday, and you know what she said? She said she can't... she has her "lady friend." And I was like "hello, tampon."
Girl #2: I'm so over those.
Girl #1: That's what she said too.
Girl #2: Word!
--Bathroom, Central Park Playground
Overheard by: Heather
Well, One Could.
Sassy black tourist girl: Excuse me, you seen an ATM?
Security guard: (silence)
Sassy black tourist girl: I said, any of y'all seen an ATM?
Woman using ATM: Um, these are ATMs.
Sassy black tourist girl: Oh shoot, you could get money outta that?
--Chase, Broadway & Spring
At the TMI Quarterfinals
Girl #1: Yeah, it sucked. The first time I had sex was in the projects. It was just this random guy and he was like "wanna go to my house?" So I did, and we had sex. But then I didn't know that when you had sex for the first time you bleed a lot, right? So like I was bleeding everywhere. And I didn't notice. And all these random people were like "ew!". And I was sitting on Brandon's couch, and he was like "what's that?" And I'm like "Uh, your sister's crayon." So then they were all sitting on it, and fucking around on it...
Girl #2: Ewwwwwww!
Girl #1: Coz she left crayons on the couch. But then the next day his mom came! And like, boys don't get periods.
--104th & West End
The Best Part Is, They Do This Every Damn Day
Tall blonde guy: Hey, do you have updog?
Blonde girl: What is that?
Tall blonde guy: Thanks for ruining it! You're supposed to say "what's updog?" and I'd be like "nothing much, man, you?"
Blonde girl: Alright, let's start over. Pretend we just ran into each other or something.
Tall blonde guy: Hey, do you have updog?
Blonde girl: What's "updog"?
Tall blonde guy: Nothing much man, you?
--F Train
The Little-Known Third Option in "Bluetooth or Crazy?"
College girl #1, about old lady talking angrily behind her: Who do you think she's yelling at? Don't look, I think you should guess. Don't look!
College girl #2: No, I'm going to look. Yeah, she's not talking to anyone. No phone.
College girl #1: Oh.
(they both turn around to stare at her and continue walking)
College girl #1: Well, she's probably Italian.
--27th & Park Ave
Overheard by: Lynne
Just Remember It's a Gift, Not an Accomplishment
Asian lady to young son: You're so cute!
Son: I know.
--Tribeca
Overheard by: He really was
Sorry About Giving You a Social-Networking Disease
Hot brunette chick: Are you on this new Twitter thing? I keep getting e-mails that people are "following" me.
Hot blonde chick: Oh, uh, well... I wanted to see what it was about a couple months ago, but I didn't want to give my info, so I sort of made you an account instead.
--SoHo
Overheard by: tired in the morning
On the Other Hand, "Bjork" Sounds Like a Gay Sex Act
Young gay man: The only woman I would have sex with is Bjork.
Disgruntled friend: What? That's like a lesbian saying she'd go hetero for Andy Dick!
--A Train
Overheard by: trainspotter
Tourists Are Smiling at Us!
Yellow poncho wearing dad to nine-year-old daughter: Relax!
Yellow poncho wearing nine-year-old daughter: You relax! This was obviously your idea and now we look ridiculous!
--5th Ave & 42nd St
Overheard by: Mike B
It Made Finding a Prom Date Easy
Teenage boy, making out with girlfriend: Did you know my mom and I are only 15 years apart?
Teenage girlfriend: No way, that must have been really hard.
Teenage boy: No, it's good to be a young mom.
(making out resumes)
--7 Train
Headline by: Botticus
Runners-Up:
· "I'll Show You in 9 Months" - Sandy Paws
· "In Fact, It's Bit Of a Family Tradition" - Traditionalist
· "Please Tell Me This Isn't What Inspired Gilmore Girls" - katenonymous
· "Psychologists Call This "Priming"" - chuck
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I Just Skim Over the Gay Parts
Thug: What are you reading?
Thug friend, holding up book: Plato.
--E 180th St, Bronx
Presenting the Year's Sweetest Compliment
Girl: Do you like it better when I'm shaved?
Guy: Eh... I don't really care.
Girl: Really? Most guys have a preference.
Guy: Yeah, but with you it doesn't matter. You know how any hairstyle looks good on a pretty face? It's kind of like that.
--Bowery & 5th St
Overheard by: didn't see her face...
Wednesday One-Liners Feel a Lot Better Now
Guy to friends: A girl farted on my head once, and I dated her for three years.
--14th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: MC
Woman to friend: And then he farted in my mouth.
--Ding Dong Lounge
Overheard by: Rosalind
Hobo, farting loudly, turning at girl walking behind him: That's for you, you fucking bitch!
--Yellow Line Subway Station
Overheard by: Craigalanche
Latina on cell, firmly: I'm not bi-curious, I'm just fart-curious
--49th & 5th
Overheard by: olga
Crazy hobo: Once, I was eating Cracker Jacks, you know, the one with the prize in it? When I finished the box, I farted in it, then sealed it up again. When I opened it a week later, I got the surprise of my life!
--1 Train
Overheard by: nella
Wednesday One-Liners Can't Do Much About the Adam's Apple
Brooklyn grandmother to another: My grandson is so different now that he's become a woman.
--4 Train
Middle aged man in binoculars on cell: Yeah! And just like that she threw me out! She kicked me out on my ass! She walked in and I was in her bra... and that was it!
--87th & Columbus Ave
Overheard by: GoneWithThe
Small black guy: Of course I'm a transvestite! Why else do you think it took you three guys to beat me up?
--W 36th St
Overheard by: Ellen
Twink to others: Sometimes you think a little boy is a child and then he turns out to be a much older woman.
--Chelsea
Overheard by: Urch
Attractive blonde: And then the... transvestite beauty queen thing happened. You know?
--Middagh & Henry
Overheard by: Matty
Wednesday One-Liners: Soon to Be Gentrified
Ghetto woman on cell: No, no... he ain't ghetto. He ghetto fabulous.
--28th & Lexington
Ditzy tourist: Did you know that, like, all the trains with numbers go to all the rich places and all the trains with letters, like, go to the ghetto areas.
--6 Train
Loud guy: Is that a 50 cent soda? You know you in the ghetto when you got a 50 cent soda.
--Jackson Heights
Woman on cell: That bitch is mad ghetto. She wore her wedding dress to work.
--Lenox & 118th St
Overheard by: K
Wednesday One-Liner Is Murder
Black man: I can never watch you eat sausage again. It was the most awkwardly erotic thing I've ever seen. It was the perfect combination of food and female.
--Pratt Coffee Shop, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Maryrose
Boy to friend: And then the teacher said: "and that's the history of ham"!
--Queens
Overheard by: alex
Young woman on cell: Well, I would go to Gray's for hot dogs with you, but I can't. I gave up tubed meat for lent.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Caroline
Cute teen girl: It'd be like a floppy bag of meat... (pause) I'm not talking about dick!
--Starbucks
Woman placing drive-thru order: And two junior bacon cheeseburgers. Actually, I don't want the bacon. I don't want to get the swine flu.
--Wendy's Drivethru, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Oh the Pig-manity!
Upset Orthodox Jew mother to baby in stroller: Bacon!? Who told you about bacon!?
--West End & West 100th St
Wednesday One-Liners, Literally
Man on cell, authoritatively: Ejaculate!
--14th b/w 3rd & 4th
Mother to curious little girl reaching out to touch Wall Street bull's testicles: No! (yanks her away)
--Bowling Green
Woman shouting across a grassy field: Slutbots!
--McCarren Park, Brooklyn
(intercom beeps 10 times)
Train conductor, over intercom: Shit.
(intercom continues to beep)
--Hudson Line Train
Man on bike speeding along Brooklyn Bridge walkway: Pussyhoooollleeeeee!
--Brooklyn Bridge
Quiet, older gentleman sipping coffee, leafing through newspaper: Motherfuckers!
--Barnes & Noble Coffee Bar, Broadway
Overheard by: Suze V
Wednesdays Have "The Last Supper" on Their One-Liners
Guy: Do I look like I ordered strawberries and cream? I have tattoos on my head and face!
--Starbucks
Being a full-time tranny is like having a tattoo on your forehead. Like, you can't work, like, what do you do?
--Brooklyn
Customer to another, about barber: Take him for example, he was in the special forces. He's got a big tattoo on his arm that says, "Kill 'em all, let god sort 'em out." Drop him off in Prospect Park today and tomorrow he'll be eating a sandwich.
--Park Slope Barber Shop
Overheard by: ian daywalker
Chatty young woman to bored-looking guy friend: You know, my shoes would really look a lot better if I had a foot tattoo.
--D Train
Man with tattoo that reads "don't go to hell" to friend: There's a funny story behind this tattoo. I was dating this bitch, and she would wake up every morning and suck my dick. Or fuck the shit out of me. And then tell me I was going to hell. You have no idea what this bitch put me through. I mean, sexually, she was great. We'd go out to bars and both of us would pick up chicks, so that by the end of the night we'd have two or three women hanging around us trying to go home with us.
--Chipotle
Overheard by: Jana
The Wednesday One-Liner Diet Doesn't Work
Little girl to sister: It has 140 calories in it, that could like... kill you.
--Food Emporium, 68th & Broadway
Blonde girl on phone: Yeah, I need to lose like 30 pounds but the problem is that I got my body used to food.
--224th St & Jamaica Avenue
Teen girl, after being caught with empty beer cans: No! Trust me, it wasn't me. I don't drink beer, it has way too many calories!
--Park Slope
40-something mom to chubby daughter with YMCA gymnastics shirt: Don't eat here, go to CVS! Get some mints... you'll be fine.
--Wendy's At Metropolitan Ave. and Woodhaven Blvd, Queens
Overheard by: D. Scibe
Very old, overweight mother to old less overweight daughter: I need to lose 20 pounds, but you, you need to lose 40 pounds. When you're as skinny as her (points at woman working at register), then I'll buy you carrot cake!
--168th & Broadway
Overheard by: Alison R.
Women in Morbidly obesity couple walking hand in hand. The woman says "harry, I hate it when we're on separate starvation schedules."
--7th St & First Ave
Wednesday Too-Soon-Liners
American tourist on phone: So, I've just been to ground zero and it's like totally overrated; it's just a hole in the ground.
--Central park
Sensitive guy: She's probably the number one cause of post-traumatic stress syndrome since 9/11!
--Restaurant, 46th St & 9th Ave
Overheard by: TheGreenCat
Man, looking out window: Looks like they are building something.
--WTC Path Station
Tourist: That building is really tall, I think it's the World Crade Center!
--Brooklyn Bridge
Cheerful tourist dad taking photo of tourist family: Smile and say 9/11!
--Battery Park
Overheard by: CJW
Are You Saying They Should Have Bigger Things to Worry About?
White teen bimbo #1: I can't believe I got that parking ticket! Police have nothing better to do.
White teen bimbo #2, totally serious: Yeah, I mean... they still don't know who killed biggie, but they have time to give parking tickets? That's fucking ridiculous.
--72nd & Columbus
Overheard by: soyloaf
...With a Cell Phone
Summer camp counselor to young summer camper: Why you so afraid? That's something you can see in the Bronx!
Summer camper: Aaahhh!
Summer camp counselor to young summer camper: It's just a pigeon!
--Central Park Zoo
Mrs. Obama's Quite Capable Of Taking Care Of Herself
Older man: I'm really excited for Michelle.
Older woman: I'm really worried for Michelle.
--Willets Point
Overheard by: TCS
Good Work, Citizen-- We'll Take It from Here!
Little girl with brand new doll: Mommy, what should I name her? I think I'll name her "Pussy"!
Mother: Uh!
Little girl: Pussy! Like "pussycat"!
Mother: Okay... maybe we should think of a different name!
Hipster sitting next to them: I'm going to have to send a few texts about this.
--Bus
Overheard by: bradlea
Mom Warned Me About Lepers
Girl #1: So, I looked down and it was like two feet long.
Girl #2: Wow.
Girl #1: Ya. But then it fell off.
Girl #2: Oh. Sounds like you had a rough night.
--6 Train
Overheard by: Millie
I'm Totally Putting It on My College Application, Too!
Big girl: Hahahahaha... I don't know about her.
Skinny girl: Well, she did tell me that she wants me to be her only white friend.
Big girl: Oh, you gotta love that.
--Park Ave & 33rd St
Overheard by: Sara
Looks Like Disney's Already Gotten Its Claws Into Him
Dad to four-year-old son: Hey, don't touch that! Don't pick up things off the ground here. I just saw a mouse.
Four-year-old son: You saw a mouse! You are so lucky! I always wanted to see one of those!
Dad, sighing: You don't want to see them, they are dirty.
Son: You're so lucky. Wow! A mouse.
--8th Ave & 14th St
Overheard by: Must not be from the village
It Won't Take Long-- I Mean, Look at Me
Girl in bikini top and miniskirt: Do you think he'd fuck me?
Girl on skates: I think he'd fuck anybody.
Girl in bikini top and miniskirt: Awesome... I'll be right back.
--29th & 1st
Overheard by: listener222
Who Says Romance Is Dead?
Wasted guy: Hi.
Cute girl: Hi.
Wasted guy: What are you doing? You look hot bending over like that.
Girl: Um, well, I'm looking for my jacket.
Wasted guy: Huh! I have a better idea. (slight pause) Why don't you come home with me and sit on my face?
(long, long, shocked pause)
Girl: You know what... you find my jacket, and then we'll talk about it.
--Tin Lizzie, Upper East Side
Overheard by: tinajane
...But Then We'd Be Late for Our Spa Appointment. Sophie's Choice!
Creepy dude, walking up to two college kids: Hey, you guys look pretty smart, can I ask you a question?
College guy: Uh, we can't um... help you.
Creepy dude: I'm not asking for money, I just have a question. So if someone like, is an accomplice in a kidnapping, are they just as liable as the person who did the actual kidnapping?
College guy: I think it depends.
Creepy dude: Great! Thanks. (creepy dude walks away)
College chick: Is this one of those, "if you see something, say something" moments? Maybe we should call a popo.
--Port Authority Bus Terminal
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Your Editors Only Hurt Children in Self-Defense
Small boy #1: Let's go over there.
Small boy #2: Why?
Small boy #1: I want to get away from him. (points at middle-aged businessman)
Small boy #2: Why?
Small boy #1: Well, he looks like he might hurt me.
Small boy #2: No he doesn't.
Small boy #1: Yes, he does. He's old.
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: Sunny
...But I Always Grade You on a Curve.
Babysitter: Girl, you look good.
Friend: I know, right?
Babysitter: Well, not that good.
--Tot Lot, Victorian Flatbush
...Both Of Which Are Mortgaged
Man, in a fury: And then she said that you had three kidneys and you won't share none of them! That ain't true, is it?
Woman, dejected: No, I only have two kidneys...
--Cooper Square
Overheard by: traceface
Earlier, It Asked Me What the Meaning Of Life Is
40-something male watching 20-something female bending over: Holy shit! That girl's got no panties on!
30-something male: Yes she is, it's a thong.
40-something male: If she is wearing panties, that's the deepest thong I've even seen.
--Dewey's Flatiron
Overheard by: Gmoney
I'm Not Humming - It's These Corduroy Pants
Morbidly obese daughter: She yelled at me and told me to stop.
Morbidly obese mother: Ignore her, you just keep humming.
--Greenwich St & Horatio St
Overheard by: way to parent.
Headline by: Ron D.
Runners-Up:
· "...Like a Fridge" - Paul Tabachneck
· "Fat Girls Give the Best Hummers" - KJM
· "It's the Only Exercise You Get Anyway" - amy the rat
· "The Subway Ride Ain't Over Till the Fat Lady Hums" - sammie
· "What Are the Odds That There's a McDonald's at Greenwich & Horatio?" - Rich
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And She Has the Good Taste to Fuck Me
Teenage boy #1: So, would you say she's a ho?
Teenage boy #2: No, I wouldn't say she's a ho, she just likes to fuck a lot.
--R Train
If It's Not Popping/ I'm Not Stopping
Angry ghetto chick #1: Bitch, after what you did to me, I ain't gonna wear no lip gloss to yo wedding!
Angry ghetto chick #2: Oh, bitch, you can try, but I will put the lip gloss on you!
--Columbus & 65th
Overheard by: Liat
Does She Got a Number?
20-something black guy: Daaamn girl, you got a number?
Teenage black girl, pushing stroller: I got a baby.
--Bed-Stuy
Swirl Was Always My Favorite Kind Of Soft-Serve Ice Cream
Black hobo to young tourist couple with baby: Mmmmmmmmmmm... That's a nice lookin' baby! You must've done good that night... or morning. (laughs)
Father: Uh... haha... yeah.
Black hobo: I need to find me a white lady so I can make me a Barack Obama. Mmm-hmm!
--Uptown 6 Train
Overheard by: Emily
...Which Is Why My Parents Had No More Kids After Me.
Whiny yuppie hipster #1: All the things we supposedly owe these people, just because they gave us life.
Whiny yuppie hipster #2, semi-ironically: Exactly. I mean, who asked to be born?
Whiny yuppie hipster #3, earnestly: Nobody! Nobody ever asks to be born!
--Greenmarket, Union Square
Overheard by: Suze V
Yeah, You Have Some Stuck in Your Teeth.
Dirty guy to woman: Damn, baby!
Woman to dirty guy: Nigga, pleez! I eat more pussy then you do!
--Centre & Chambers
Or Hook Up With Her
Dumb girl #1: If my ex wasn't an idiot I would call him.
Dumb girl #2: Why is he an idiot?
Dumb girl #1: Because he hooked up with one of my friends.
Dumb girl #2: That sucks.
Dumb girl #1: Yeah, she likes to get with friends' men.
Dumb girl #2: Wow! She's a bitch.
Dumb girl #1: Yeah... but so, should I call him?
--L Train
Can Hoboes Really Afford Sarcasm?
Tattooed man in headphones: Hey man, you got a cigarette?
Hobo: Always.
Tattooed man in headphones: Really?
Hobo: Of course not. Look at me, I'm eating out of a trash can.
--3rd Ave & 10th St
Overheard by: Greg
More Than George W. Bush Has Admitted
Homeboy #1: You lie.
Homeboy #2: I don't.
Homeboy #1: You so lie.
Homeboy #2: I don't lie.
Homeboy #1: You lie. You lie. You lie. You lie.
Homeboy #2: I do not lie.
Homeboy #2: You stretch the truth.
Homeboy #2: Well. Now you're talkin'.
--10th & 57th
But He Praised My Ability to Outsource
Short NYU girl: It's not fair! Why do I always have to suck his dick? He's your boyfriend.
Tall NYU girl: Well, he said I was really bad at it.
--Starbucks
Why New Yorkers Get Mad: Explained
Tourist #1: Once you get down into, like, Park Avenue in the 70s, there are mad famous people.
Tourist #2: That's because it's mad close to Midtown.
Tourist #1: Midtown is mad nice.
--M86 Bus
Overheard by: Erin W.
...the World Trade Center?
Eastern European tourist chick, looking at Empire State Building: What is that?
New York teenage girl, in perfect seriousness: I have no idea.
--Outside Empire State Building
Overheard by: Sapodilla
But It's the New Trend in Long-Distance Relationships!
Angry young man: She fucking broke up with me over a handjob!
Impassive friend: Well, how did that happen?
Angry young man: I was about to cum, and she was there, right there!, you know? Between my legs! So I told her I was going to, and she just fuckin' stared at me. I was like, "Baby, this is coming." Seriously. It does happen. "Lift your shirt up or something," I said to her. You know? And she just, fuckin', on her knees, shuffles backwards and to her left--a good three yards away- still whacking me off. So, I'm like, "Baby, what the fuck? You can't give a handjob from across the room." You know, dude? That's like one of those fucking old people extending claw arm shits jerking you off from the corner when you're sitting in the center of your room! Fuck, dude!
Impassive friend, laughing: Yo, I'd blue-ball you, too, if you called me a fucking robot while I was getting you off!
--Forest Hills
Overheard by: FrankALank
I'd Think Of It More As a Vegetable Medly
Guy #1: I mean, I dunno, she's a vegan, I just don't think I could have group sex with a vegan.
Guy #2: I could!
--Cake Shop
Overheard by: Liz V.
Your Editors Can Testify That Not Dying Is Fun
Airhead girl #1: I can't wait to go to school here. Everyone tells me I'm gonna die. I'm not gonna die!
Airhead girl #2: If anyone is gonna die, it's gonna be you.
Airhead girl #1: I'm *so* not gonna die. This is gonna be so much fun.
--Chelsea
Fifth: Dick.
Young woman #1, before movie starts: I'm gonna go.
Young woman #2: Why? Don't go.
Young woman #1: I'm gonna meet up with my man.
Young woman #2: Come on! Don't you want to stay for the movie?
Young woman #1: I'm gonna leave now cause: first of all... booty call. Second of all... dick. Third of all... dick. Fourth... my man is sick and I have Tums with me.
--Movie, Bryant Park
And He Always Dresses Smartly
Girl #1: Intelligence is the most important thing, y'know? Is he intelligent?
Girl #2: Oh, yeah. He's like the most intelligent person I've met.
Girl #1: Wow. So what does he do?
Girl #2: He's a model for Hollister.
--West Village
Overheard by: M
You Never Could Meet a Deadline, Britney.
Girl #1: So your birthday is tomorrow?
Girl #2: Yeah, it should have been today but I was too much of a fat-ass to fit through my mom's vagina.
Girl #1: What?
Girl #2, yelling: It should have been today but I was too much of a fat-ass to fit through my mom's vagina.
Girl #1: Bummer.
--Spring & Varick
And a Little Child Shall Lead Us
Little boy to father: When I get ice cream I am not going to give anyone any of it!
Father: Sharing is good.
Little boy: No. It's not!
--Union Square
Overheard by: daveB
...Don't You Think?
Friend #1: Oh! We should all ride our bikes to Red Hook, check out the ball field, get Swedish meatballs at Ikea and hang out at the flea market.
Friend #2:: I... can't... do that.
Friend #1: Why? Oh, do you not own a bike?
Friend #2: No, I don't. And... I also don't know how to ride a bike.
Friend #1: What? And you live in Williamsburg?
Friend #3: Hey, it's ironic.
--South Street Seaport
Circumcision Peels the Potato; Neutering Juliennes It
Man: We had him circumcised.
Woman: Circumcised?
Man: Yeah, whatever you do with dogs. You know...
Woman: Neutered?
Man: Isn't that the same thing?
--Central Park
Overheard by: Nettle
But Gaping Wounds Are in This Season!
Preppy drunk blond #1 in ladies room: Oh my god! How are you? It's been so long since I've seen you!
Preppy drunk blond #2: Oh my god, I'm great! When I noticed I was bleeding I decided to come in here and wash my face!
--Circle Line Cruise
Overheard by: nika
...I Don't Think I Wanna Hear About Your Gyno Visits Anymore.
Woman in Lycra leopard print dress: I had to jam out with my clam out. I had to jam out with my clam out!
Man: Daamnnn...
--Nostrand & Lincoln, Crown Heights
I'll Pass That on to Your Dad, Honey
Mother: People that live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
Seven-year-old son: They shouldn't be naked either.
Mother: Um, that too.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Rob A.
Why Sit-Ins Originated in Ancient Greece
Hip girl: They're playing a lot of songs about anal sex.
Hip guy: Wait, what?
Hip girl: You know, "move to the back of the bus" is anal sex.
Hip guy: This song is about Rosa Parks.
Hip girl: Seriously?
Hip guy: It's called "Rosa Parks."
Hip girl: Well, Rosa Parks must have liked it in the ass. That's probably why she had to sit.
--Greenpoint
Wow, You Sure Do Know a Lot About Sex!
NYU girl #1: Yeah, I actually went through with it.
NYU girl #2: Oh god, did it hurt?
NYU girl #1: It was really nice feeling actually. The stuff was warm, but when it started taking effect it was like ear diarrhea.
--NYU
Overheard by: interesting
From The Wizard Of Oz! The Wizard Of Oz!
Ugly skinny girl: I swear to god, if you compare us to The Golden Girls one more time, we're not friends anymore.
Cute fat girl: Okay, fine. (pause) God you can be such a Dorothy sometimes.
--54th & 5th
Fair Enough! Enjoy Your Day, Sir!
Woman walking against massive subway crowd: Woah, this is fun. Hey, everybody!
Man, after passing her: Fuck you, lady.
--Lorimer Stop
Overheard by: richhorner.com
'Cause I Still Got the Pus-sy
Girl #1: And then I told him no way. I was through with him staying overnight at other girls houses.
Girl #2: But as long as he comes back to your house at night it's okay?
Girl #1: Yup.
--5th St & Lexington Ave
You Gotta Be Pope for the Big Guy to Visit
Older Indian guy: So how was your Christmas?
Younger security guard: Good! It was real nice.
Older Indian guy: So, did Jesus come to see you?
Younger security guard: Nah, but some of my relatives stopped by, so it was still pretty nice.
--6th Ave
Overheard by: the last boyscout
Now, Of Course, I Doubt the Breeders Would Have Me Back
Guy #1: Oh my god, Jim, when I was straight 20 years ago I would have though that Julia was so hot.
Guy #2: Oh yeah, totally hot.
--14th St & 1st Ave
Reader Poll: Are They Having a Good Night or a Bad Night?
Punk kid #1, annoyed: Maaaan, I gotta go to a party tonight.
Punk kid #2, irritated: I just made out with a girl!
--Battery Park
Ooo, You Know How to Treat Me Right!
Girl #1: What kind of restaurant is it?
Girl #2: It's like Red Lobster, without the seafood.
--Greenpoint, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Adina
Insists on Wearing Crocs
Friend pushing cart to little girl: Get your feet out of the way! C'mon!
Mom of little girl: No, it's okay. She don't love her feet.
--F Train
Overheard by: Jaxx
Wednesday One-Liners Take the SocioPATH Train
Suit on cell: It's not that I don't like people, I just think that they're expendable.
--Union Square Cafe
20-something to visiting family: We are about to go up a bunch of stairs. If you complain, you will be pushed back down them.
--Mulberry & Canal
Laughing suit to others: So, yeah, I just stepped over the body.
--42nd St & 5th Ave
Mother to small crying child: Honey, I did listen to you, but I can't make myself care.
--V Train
Overheard by: Hunter
Wednesday One-Liners Get Jiggly With It
Dude: Do boobs need a reason?
--Perdition bar, 49th & 10th
Overheard by: Brokeass Harem
Guy: This is high school. Breasts are usually an effective way of determining gender.
--Stuyvesant High School
Old woman with Julie Andrews accent: I used to be quite buxom!
--Chinese Restaurant, 55th & 6th
Wife to husband: Did you see the tits on that Santa?
--Outside Penn Station, During SantaCon
Curvy woman on cell: Accessories? Oh please. My breasts are accessory enough.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: McFreaky
Who Wears the Pants in Your Wednesday One-Liners?
Older man: If you drank a thousand gallons of beer, and then took off your pants...
--79th & West End
Girl to guy with beavers on pants: Excuse me, are those beavers on your pants?
--6 Train
20-something preppy girl on cell: Whenever I'm cheating on my boyfriend, I take off my pants and pretend to be an albino bunny.
--Central Park
Overheard by: that one girl
Guy on cell: If I don't get in her pants tonight, I'm gonna fuck you up!
--1st Ave
Aging drag queen to friend: It's much better than sick obsessions with blond males between the ages of 18 and 25 who always take their pants off to play GameCube.
--The Village
Overheard by: Amused NYU Tischie
Wednesday Doesn't Eat Enough to Keep a One-Liner Alive
Skinny professor: John* [a chubby professor] and I started Weight Watchers together at the same time!
--Hostos Faculty Dining Room
Overheard by: glad she's leaving
Skinny girl to clerk: Hi, do you have a soy-based, non-dairy substitute for heavy cream?
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: office peon loves Thanksgiving food
Girl ordering Coffee Coolatta with skim milk: I hope this tastes as good as it did when I was anorexic. Everything tasted good back then...
--Dunkin Donuts, Bay Ridge
Overheard by: allison
Jewish grandmotherly type: Women with anorexia seem to have such strange eating habits.
--Upper West Side
Anorexic-looking girl: I want a tic tac. I'm hungry.
--95th & 2nd
Wednesday Bites the Big One-Liner
Teen scene girl: And that's a whole fucking different story! You always said you wanted to die having a heart attack in a car!
--57th & 3rd
Overheard by: Duluthian
Guy in line: I haven't had a corn dog since Jim Belushi died.
--Nathan's, Coney Island
Creepy guy on cell: Hey. Did you hear about the Craigslist killer? Yeah, isn't that a great idea?
--Penn Station
20-something irritated man on cell: Dude, stop freaking out! They're probably not going to do the autopsy for another three days.
--8th Ave & 15th St
Conductor: Please, no one cross cars, if the train makes a turn you will fall through, get crushed and die, thank you and have a lovely evening. Oh, and it's lovely to be alive.
--Amtrak Train to Penn Station
Overheard by: Paige
Wednesday One-Liners: Over a Billion Served.
McDonald's cashier: You gonna eat all that yourself? Haven't you seen that movie Supersize Me?
--McDonald's
Overheard by: Blayne
Thug: Yo, shorty, lemme buy you something special at McDonald's, show you I ain't a cheap date... why you laughin?
--117th St & Lexington
Overheard by: Jesse D
Obnoxious Southern tourist: Let's take a taxi back to the hotel, and then take the truck and eat at McDonald's again.
--W 49th & 5th
Overheard by: canucks
Haggardly old lady on cell: Damn, dude, I saw you at McDonald's checking me out yesterday!
--Broadway & 4th St
Overheard by: Jalex Leoley
Born-again evangelical, proselytizing: Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger!
--Staten Island Ferry
Bro: If she doesn't want to go to McDonald's every once in a while, I don't love her.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: alana h.
Let a Smile Be Your Wednesday One-Liner
Guy on cell: How can you be happy if you're acting like such a bitch all time?
--Melrose Ave & 154th St
Puerto Rican barista, as A-Team music starts playing: The A-Team! Man, that makes me think of when I was young and still happy!
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Chris K.
30-something woman: I'm going to see Transformers. Transformers! Daa naa na naaa! You have to be happy in life, everybody is dying.
--34th St & Madison Ave
Overheard by: Frank Molla
Girl on cell, vehemently: I'm trying brown eyeliner. I hope this makes you happy!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Ashley
20-something girl: Just put some alcohol in me and I'll be happy.
--St. Mark's Place
Does a Threesome With Twins Break the Wednesday One-Liner Taboo?
Suit to another: He was just lucky not to be fucking someone in his family!
--Trump Building
Overheard by: Guess I'm lucky too
Gamer on headset: Dude, you are not listening to me. You can't hear me. You know why? Because you have no ears. You're the product of two retarded cousins fucking each other.
--Queens
Girl: He looks like my uncle... the one I'm really attracted to.
--Governors Island ferry
Overheard by: boring
Male passerby: I wouldn't fuck my family, but...
--4th Ave & 11th St
Overheard by: Jessica
British professor wearing bow tie: It's fascinating just how exciting incest is!
--Silver Center, NYU
Ben Needs No Introduction
Guy #1: We should get some Ben & Jerry's.
Guy #2: Who's Jerry?
--57th St
Overheard by: luis
So Here's My Plan...
Professor: May I speak of your mother's uterus?
Foreign grad student: Uh...
Professor: You're sharing such a small space. Someone's bound to get more resources. It's crazy!
--Lecture Hall, NYU
Overheard by: uteran lining
Don't Hate Me Because I Love Tanning
High school student: You know, you're the only black guy I've met who isn't an asshole.
Friend: I'm not black.
--R Train
Why Do You Think I Keep Him So Hungry?
Thugette: Nigga, don't let your dog bite my kid! If that shit happens, my kid will bite your dog!
Thug with dog, surprised: Your kid will bite my dog?
--7th Ave & 21st St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: D-Law
In the Bathroom or What?
Girl #1 in bathroom stall: Last weekend sucked.
Girl #2 in bathroom stall: I peed in a Wendy's. That was the highlight of my weekend.
--The Saloon, 83rd & York
Overheard by: gem
First the Spankings, Then the Oral Sex
Hungover girl #1: I can't believe how wasted we got last night.
Hungover girl #2: I know, I feel like shit. It's a nice day though.
Random neighbor: Oh... look! It's the two drunk girls that cursed me out last night.
Random neighbor's girlfriend: What did you do?
--Upper East Side
I Like Walking the Tightrope
20-something fashionista #1: If it weren't for Red Bull I don't know if I'd still be in college, girl.
20-something fashionista #2: Yeah, I know, girl... But if you take two, girl, it gives you diarrhea.
20-something fashionista #1: Yeah...
--L Train
Overheard by: ~LaLa~
The Day Andy Became a New Yorker
Woman on bike to jaywalking pedestrians: Jesus fucking Christ, get the fuck out of the road.
Guy: Fuck you, bitch! (to friends) Did I just say "fuck you, bitch" to a biker?
--Rivington & Essex
Okay, So It May Have Been a Lawyer.
Woman #1: Kate and I saw a snake walking down State Street yesterday!
Man: What?
Woman #2: Wait... walking?
--Central Park
Overheard by: A snake? Really?
Why Do You Think So Many Post-apocalyptic Thrillers Are Filmed in New York?
Southern tourist daughter: Mommy, why can't we just get off at Jamaica? Aren't there sunny beaches there? Why's it all so cloudy?
Southern tourist mother: Because we're on the subway to go to the Liberty Statue tour, honey bunches.
(short pause)
Southern tourist daughter: But why's everything so damaged?
--LIRR
My Ass Separates Me from Everything Contemporary
Girl #1: My ass is so big!
Girl #2: I know.
Girl #1: You biyatch!
Girl #2: Wow, way to use a four-year-old pop culture reference.
--Guggeheim
She's the Happiest Place on Earth
Passerby, shouting to guy in Mickey Mouse costume getting picture taken with little girl: Yo! I fucked your girl! (to others) I really like Minnie.
--42nd St & Broadway
Overheard by: MsPrint
Must...Resist..."Bitch"...Headline...
Drunk girl: (hiccuping)
Friendly gay guy: Oh, are you growing?
Drunk girl: (stares at him blankly)
Friendly gay guy: Oh, my puppy is growing, and whenever she is growing she gets the hiccups.
Drunk girl: I'm not your fucking dog!
--Elevator, Midtown Apartment Building
Overheard by: Meghan Monaco
Makes Your Pee Stink Worse Than This Comedy Show
Comedy club promoter: Do you like asparagus?
Random person: No.
Comedy club promoter: Me either!
--14th St & Broadway
Overheard by: shayshay
Long Island Expressway: Nobody Gets Me
Midwestern tourist to New York businesswoman: Is this where I can get the Long Island expressway?
Businesswoman, exasperated: Are you *fucking* kidding me?
--Grand Central Station
Overheard by: Kiki
But at Least They're Not All Alcoholics, Like the Native Americans.
Queer: I hate Mexicans, first they jump our borders, then they don't even attempt to speak English.
Tan chick: Fo' reals! I've met some that have been here their entire lives and never bothered to learn English.
Crazy man: Oh my god! Why do you have to be so goddam racist all the time!?
Tan chick: What? I was just making a point, goddammit, I am Mexican!
(five minutes later)
Black lady: Yo! D'shaun! Get yo' ass over here nigga!
Crazy man: I hate black people! They're so goddamn loud, they need to shut up!
--L Train
Overheard by: shocked
In Eden, the Forbidden Fruit Smelled Exactly Like Bacon
Asian girl #1: Hey, did you guys smell that in that building back there?
Orthodox Jewish girl and guy: No, what?
Asian girl #1: It totally smelled like bacon!
Asian girl #2: Yeah! You're right, oh...
Orthodox Jewish girl and guy: Yeah... hm. So that's what bacon smells like?
--Grand Concourse
Because I'm Thinking About Going Straight Edge
Emo band boy to groupie hooking up with another band member: Ew! Gross guys, you guys are right next to me!
Groupie: You wanna join?
Emo band boy: So... then you two aren't exclusive?
--Metro North Train
Overheard by: NotAGroupie
Worst. Money Laundering Front. Ever.
Girl: Can I buy a frilly hairband, please?
Man, behind counter: How many?
Girl: One.
Man: We no have.
Girl: What's this, then? (picks up frilly hairband)
Man, looking dumb: A frilly hairband.
Girl: Exactly, so can I buy it?
Man: No.
Girl: Why not?
Man: We no have.
--Claire's Accessories
Overheard by: Kirsty Smith
Why Secretaries Exist
Guy #1, after telling something to friend: You should write that down.
Guy #2: On my arm?!
Guy #1: No, not on your arm, in a note.
Guy #2: I'm not gonna remember to check my note!
Guy #1: Then write on your arm, "check your note"!
--Q60 Bus
Several Alternate Realities Intersect in New York
Old man with one front tooth, pointing fingers angrily: Your man stole my cart!
Old woman with spandex shorts: You sure it was Li'l Tinky?
Old man with one front tooth: Toots told me that Tinky was the one who took my cart.
Old woman with spandex shorts: Nah, that sounds like Big Tinky. I'm with Li'l Tinky. He don't do shit like that.
--1st Ave & E 3rd St
Overheard by: EV4Life
That's What You Said About Chuck E. Cheese's, and Now We're Not Allowed Back!
Little boy: Daddy, I gotta pee!
Dad: Son, we're in Central Park, everywhere is a bathroom.
--Central Park
In Case You Weren't a Classics Major...
Black teenage girl #1: They're always fighting and everything! Bunch of sorry-ass boyfriends we got!
Black teenage girl #2: Like they all proud of their scars 'n shit.
Black teenage girl #3: I think we oughtta do the Lysistrata thing!
Black teenage girl #1: Say what?
Black teenage girl #3: (whispers something to friend)
Black teenage girl #1: Oh, I could never do that!
--Downtown 2 Train
More Helpful Than My High School Guidance Counselor
Crackhead: Here's how it goes: first you go get your master's for four years, and then after you go to undergrad for four years. That shit takes a long time!
Woman, politely: Oh. I get it!
--1st Ave & 13th St
Today on That's So Raven
"Drunk train" conductor: This is Jamaica station, train to Huntington... Please walk across the platform for the shiny train to Hempstead.
Drunk girl: Ohmygod dude, it's like actually shiny.
--Penn Station
Have I Mentioned My Erotic Dreams About Barney?
Old suit #1: Look what's happening to this country!
Old suit #2: I know! We could be a banana republic!
Old suit #1: Purple is my favorite color.
--Outside Soho Bar
If You Include Mother Nature
Mom to little kid: Joey has two moms.
Kid: I'm pretty sure he has three.
--116th St & Amsterdam Ave
I'd Give My Four Wood for a Hole-in-One
Older gentleman #1: The couple times a century that we do have sex, I would rather be playing golf.
Older gentleman #2: I know exactly what you mean.
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: Jessica
I Prefer Cocktails That Smell Like Disinfectant
Fashionable, skinny Latina: What don't you like about beer, then?
Even more fashionable, skinnier Latina: Ahhh--Corona. It has an odor. It smells like... fat men.
--Starbucks
Overheard by: Tha WB
I Foresee a Very Popular Viral Video
Big girl #1: Your ass is hanging out. You know you're too big for those shorts.
Big girl #2: Shut up. You know everyone likes watching my shit go all boom boom.
Big girl #3: You're gonna boom boom some guy's nuts off with that thing some day.
--8th & 36th
Overheard by: Km
Pulling It Together Is a Critcal Skill for Anybody
Little boy #1 in dark room, hyperventilating: We have to get out of here!
Little boy #2: Come on. We're men. Pull it together.
--Indoor Handball courts
As Exemplified in That Movie, Peace Club
Girl #1: You called me a cow!
Girl #2: You called me a cow five times!
Boy: Why do girls fight? I mean, like, boys never fight.
--Central Park
Overheard by: boysfight
NewsFlash: Cop Is Less Than Truthful. Film at 11.
Cop to woman who has just dropped something: Ma'am! (points)
Woman: Oh! Thanks.
Cop: Wait--was that cash?
Woman: Yeah.
Cop: Oh... that was already there.
--Chambers Street Station
Overheard by: Mader
Let's Make This Train Ride Irritating for Everyone
Guy: You know, with that blue polo, you look exactly like Billy Mays. Say, "OxiClean."
Bearded guy, yelling: Billy Mays here for OxiClean! Wait, no. (clears throat) Billy Mays here...
--E Train
Overheard by: pete
Guess Which Girl Is the Republican
Girl #1: But I don't have health insurance.
Girl #2: I don't think it's that big of a deal. Just be really careful.
--W 70th St
What About Pity Fucks, Smart Guy?
Construction worker #1: I swear, man, it don't matter if you look like Brad fucking Pitt--if you ain't hung, you ain't getting any.
Construction worker #2: (sadly nods)
--43rd & 6th
Translation: "I Can't Wait to Move Away from You"
Mother: So it goes Groton, Exeter, then Andover. That's your priority list right?
Five-year-old boy: Right.
--88th St & Lexington Ave
...And These Herpes Magically Disappear?
Way too blonde girl: Do you want to stay at my house tonight?
Dude: Absolutely not.
Way too blonde girl: What if my parents aren't home?
--Restsurant, University Place & 11th St
Overheard by: CourtSnort
That Would Be a Great Name for an All-Male Revue
Young white guy to sweating black FedEx delivery man in elevator: Wow, it's really hot outside, no?
Sweating black FedEx man: Man, it's a brotisserie.
--78th St & Madison Ave
I Love a Girl Who Knows What She Wants!
Guy to passerby with Victoria's Secret bag: Hey, where is there a Victoria's Secret around here?
Passerby: A couple blocks down on 5th.
Guy to girlfriend: Come on, we're going to Victoria's Secret.
Girlfriend: Hell no, I'm not going to Victoria's Secret, I'm going to McDonald's and I'm gonna supersize it.
--23rd & 6th
Hey, Laura Married Urkel at the End Of That Series
30-something wasp: So she's out of his league and he still treats her bad?
Identical 30-something wasp: I know! If Urkel is gonna date Angelina Jolie, Urkel better fucking step it up!
--50th & 9th
Overheard by: Wes
Raise Your Hand If You Would Have Interpreted "What Would You Do to Get Off?" a Lot Differently
Girl #1: And then the interviewer asked me, "if you were on a deserted island with five handicapped people, what would you do to get off?" I was like "I don't know. We're screwed."
Girl #2: Wow.
Girl #1: Seriously. We would be screwed. I would just sit under a palm tree and pray or make smoke signals or something.
Girl #2: Yeah, I don't know what I would do either.
Girl #1: Well at least she said my answer was funny. Then she told me about the time she asked that question to some girl. Her response was that she would take all the people who had Down syndrome and use them as a raft to float to safety.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: James
Ooo, Is That Excrement?!
Lady #1: It smells so nice here!
Lady #2: That would be the sewage.
--Canal St
But at Least You Didn't Accidentally Drink the Nair This Time
Middle-aged blonde woman: We had a bottle of Nair and beer bottles in the shower. Woke up hungover, with no hair, in my underwear.
Middle-aged brunette woman: That's just sad.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Markle
Wally Had Envisioned a Year-Long Exchange Of Letters
Dude to hot female passerby: My, my, you are gorgeous!
Hot female passerby: Yeah? You should see me naked.
Dude: Whoa, whoa, whoa--you move too fast for me.
--14th St & 4th Ave
Hannah Montana Is Totally Vanilla, Though.
Young woman: She's a gay prostitute!
Friend: Who told you that?
Young woman: Everyone and her mother knows Miley Cyrus is a gay prostitute! Look at her!
--Park Slope
.....But That Was Only Because I Drank Too Much Eggnog and Passed Out in a Puddle
Red-haired hipster: Yeah, I haven't bathed myself in a week, so today I took a shower.
Hipster chick: Yeah, last time I took a shower was on Christmas Eve. I guess I should bathe.
--L Train
Overheard by: every day bather
Headline by: antigoth
Runners-Up:
· "God, I Hope This Was Overheard on Christmas Day" - Vasyl
· "Jesus Would Want It That Way" - Nick Turner
· "On the Plus Side, I've Driven All Of the Roaches Out Of My Apartment" - Kelly
· "Robert Pattinson's Dream Girls" - John
· "Smells Like.... Teen Spirit?" - rose
· "Wait, Do Golden Showers Count?" - Trey Jackson
· "Why Is There an Echo on This Train?" - Scott Easton
· "Why You Never See Hipster Babies..." - Ray
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I Asked If She Had a Ride to the Abortion Clinic
Guy to friend: It turns out that she's pregnant, so I popped the question.
Friend: You asked her if she was pregnant?
--5th Ave
They Never Found It
Tourist #1: Wow, this is beautiful!
Tourist #2: Yeah, it is. Now if we could only find Central Park.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Roxie
Wednesday One-Liners Really Need to Montauk
Asian fag to white hag: So if a natural disaster happened and Long Island had to be evacuated, we'd, like, all be screwed!
--2 Train
Overheard by: Kosi
Woman on cell: You all should come to Long Island. They're fucking civilized over there.
--Battery Park
Overheard by: Smitten Kitten
Hipster on cell, suddenly yelling: Mom, I live in New York City, not Long Island! New York City! Get a map. I live in New York City.
--Greenpoint
20-something blonde on cell: Uh... Long Island... that's on the East Side, right?
--John St & Cliff St
Overheard by: BennyP
Jersey girl to Long Island guys: Oh my god! I've never been to Long Island! I'll need rockstar directions! Oh, and I totally have camel toe!
--51st & 6th
Overheard by: Fanx 4 that
Getting Wednesdayed Is Easy; Staying One-Linered Is Hard
Man to woman: Well, I've already been in two successful marriages...
--Hudson River Park
Talkative husband to blase wife: We've been married for over a year, who would not like us?
--F Train
Overheard by: Elise
Girl: So, when you say "married," is that like "married-and-just-not-divorced-yet," or like "married-married-and-actually-living-together"?
--6 Train
Woman on cell: Well, it's a good thing you didn't marry Susan's brother, because he ended up losing a testicle.
--DUMBO, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Megan
Woman on cell: Sorry, but if I wanted to be heavily sedated and drunk all day, I'd marry you.
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Josh
Guy with eye patch: If a girl eats out your ass on the first date, you marry her!
--77th & 34th
"This One Time, at Wednesday One-Liner Camp..."
Angry man on cell: He was a porn star, not a pianist.
--Outside Fairway, 72nd St
Goth chick on cell: We're inside. Yeah, she's playing "Creep" on a ukulele. No, I'm serious!
--Spiegelworld
Art student: I did some acid and they made me play with a guitar, but it felt like plastic and it sounded like cheese!
--Pratt Institute
Tall drummer girl: This is why I love you guys. When the drumline goes on break, they're like, "let's play some more!" When you guys go on break, you're like, "let's explore each others' bodies!"
--Pathmark
Overheard by: Another band geek
30-something African American woman: Mmm-hmm. He playin' her ass like a violin!
--Port Authority Bus Terminal
Overheard by: KTizzle
Keep Your Wednesday One-Liner in Your Pants, Dude
Preppy guy: This may be the last thing I say with my penis attached, but...
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Hunter
Girl on cell: Well, I mean... his penis is really important here, if his is better I'll take him!
--26th St & Lexington Ave
Overheard by: your mom
Asian guy: Everyone else was on the floor. Everyone had a penis in their face.
--D Train
Overheard by: Jon A.
Girl on cell: All I'm saying is: don't jump on the first penis that comes along!
--Broadway
Boss, about weightlifting: My genitals were so inverted I used to crap my penis.
--5th Ave
Teacher: There are about six euphemisms for "penis" in the first scene!
--Junior High School
Overheard by: gabygrillz
Are You Ready to Accept Wednesday As Your Personal One-Liner?
Crazy preacher man: Look up! You see that ball in the sky? It's not the sun. It's hell!
--Times Square
Subway preacher: Someone is gonna drive your car to your funeral, wearing your bling bling.
--Downtown A Train
Street bible pusher: Don't wait for the asteroids to rain down on you! Asteroids are heading this way now!
--6th Ave & 32nd St
Random crazy dude: Repent, all ye sinners! Get your ass to Genesis!
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: LiD
Street preacher handing out bible verses: Jesus saves! Jesus saves! (to suit walking by) Not you! There's nothing good about you!
--8th Ave below 23rd St
Wednesdays Wet Their One-Liners
Girl: So then I said "mother, I am 20 years old and you cannot tell me I can't go to Wet 'n Wild!"
--Central Park
Overheard by: Quella
Weird chick: Eeeeek! That toilet is flooding! My Payless shoes are getting wet! My beautiful Payless shoes! All this water looks like that movie, The Blob! Oh, I hate you, Steve McQueen! I hate you, I hate you!
--Women's Restroom, Port Authority
Overheard by: Amber Star
Drunk girl to drunker friend who spilled beer on her lap: Again with the vaginal wetness?
--LIRR
Guy to a girl in laundromat: Why can't you dry your underwear? Is that because they're so used to being wet when you're wearing them?
--1st. Ave & 7th St
Overheard by: Mike
Girl to boy: So about this whole wet dream thingy...
--C Train
Please Remain on the Line. Your Wednesday One-Liner Is Important to Us.
Usher: I will tell you once again: do not use your cell phone! I know how to wrestle!
--Theatre
Man: What kind of faggot has a 551 number?
--Cooper Union, Astor Place
Overheard by: a friend of mine does
Drunk Long Island girl: I don't know! I guess my phone was on lock or unlock or whatever, but my boobs must have called you!
--W 10th St
Overheard by: max
Blonde NYU ditz, looking at BlackBerry: Wait... what area code is 718? That's like really far away, right?
--Sullivan & Bleecker
Overheard by: i actually laughed at her
Conductor: This is the train to Ronkonkoma, also known as "ko, hip hip hey and away we go." When using cell phones, please, keep it quiet, 'cause no one really wants to know what you're talkin' about.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Goober
Incomprehensible Wednesday One-Liners from Japan
Girl wearing yoga outfit to friend: And I'm like "you know that your face looks like a fucking cartoon character, don't you?"
--Houston & Mott
Overheard by: JohnJayinNYC
Teen boy: I don't like people. I just like Pokemon.
--Chipotle, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Mike N
Blipster: Girl, you know I already got a headache and then she all up in my face with that Dragon Ball Z breath.
--Fulton & Pearl
Girl, during promo network commercial before Up: It is not Cartoon Network if there are real people. I refuse to watch this show.
--Movie Theatre, Battery Park
Overheard by: Yelena
Excited man on cell: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? What are they? People love ancient Egypt way more than ninja turtles.
--Hungarian Pastry Shop
Overheard by: Casey Black
Scruffy hipster to friend: Now all we need to do is find Splinter and Donatello.
--L Train
Overheard by: lilli
Why Maybelline Thinks Long and Hard Before Discontinuing a Lipstick
Pretty girl on phone, screaming: I am not upset. I'm not upset--I'm enraged! I'm enraged! Enraged!
Young suit: I think maybe, uh... I'm not sure but...
Old suit: I think maybe she's a little enraged.
--28th St & Madison Ave
What Have I Told You, Sweetie? "Deny, Deny, Deny"!
Little girl in men's room stall: Daddy, someone peed on the seat.
Dad: No, it's fine, honey.
Little girl: Daddy, someone peed on the seat!
Dad: It's fine, just go.
Little girl: Daddy, I peed on the seat.
--LaGuardia Airport
Everyone Knows Homeless Men Are for Practicing Your Blowjobs!
Prostitute #1: And then she got pregnant by a homeless man!
Prostitute #2: Even I think that's low!
--Doyers St.
...in Fried Chickpea Form.
Guy #1: Yo, come and get some falafel with me.
Guy #2: Waffles?
Guy #1: No man, falafel. Trust me, it's mad good.
Guy #2: What is it?
Guy #1: Shit, I can't even explain it. It's like... chicken and waffles.
--Mamoun's Restaurant
I Will Be Your Ashtray/ I Will Be Your Bidet
Drunk woman to boyfriend, coming out of a restaurant: Can I sit on your face and smoke?
Man: Sure, honey!
--Hell's Kitchen
Overheard by: Kenny
...Haha! Just Kidding!! You Should've Seen the Look on Your Face!
Guy #1: Those pants are cute. Did you buy them with the paint on them?
Guy #2: No, I was painting last weekend.
--68th St Loews Theater
Overheard by: amalthya
The Bread Crumbs Have Thus Far Proven Ineffective
Gay hipster boy: Oh, look at that poor "lost cat" sign. That fur balls never coming back... I can't even figure out my way back home in Brooklyn.
Fag hag: True, that.
--5th Ave & 9th St
A Thousand Pardons, Mr. Feces
Man #1, bumping into another: I'm sorry.
Man #2: C'mon man, watch where you're going. I'm the shit, man!
--South Ferry 1 Station
Finally an Excuse to Use That Line!
Girl with snake around her neck to stranger: He doesn't really like people or sudden movements.
Stranger #1: Then why the fuck do you have him out in New York City?
Girl with snake: Because he likes fresh air.
Stranger #1: I repeat, then why the fuck do you have him out in New York City?
Stranger #2: Well, my snake loves people! (grabs his junk)
--Greenwich Village
Overheard by: erin
White People Often See the Policeman As Their Friend
Lost tourist lady: Ooooh, look, there's a nice policeman!
Transit cop, cracking up: No, I'm a meeeean policeman, a baaaad policeman. Some people even call me unpleasant. But I'll point ya to where ya wanna go.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Officer Friendly?
What? I Thought This Was a Safe Space.
Female art student: I love people who fit into a stereotype!
Flamingly gay art student: I like being racist.
Female art student: What?!
--NYU
The End Of Western Civilization: An OINY Short Story.
Lawyer #1: I saw this funny video on YouTube last night. I did a search for "retards" and there was this one called "retarded Britney Spears fan." It was a retard singing one of her songs.
Lawyer #2: Have you seen 2 Girls 1 Cup?
Lawyer #1: I was able to watch about two seconds of it before I had to click it off.
Lawyer #2: Did you see the one called "extreme pain"? I could only watch about five seconds of it. A guy was cutting off his own dick.
Lawyer #1: That's some sick shit. How's your cat?
Lawyer #2: You should see her. She rolls over on her back and my dog licks her between the legs for a long time, then smacks his lips.
Lawyer #1: You should video that and put it on YouTube. Call it "eating pussy." You'll get a million hits!
--Civil Court, 141 Livingston St., Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry
You Know Things Are Bad When You Have to Be Reminded You're a Pedophile
Hipster guy: So, are you doing anything tomorrow night?
Girl: I don't think so.
Hipster guy: Cool. I'll get you the address for the place my band is playing at. We can hang afterwards.
Girl: Awesome!
Girl's mom, to hipster: Don't bother. She's 17. And you're a pedophile.
Hipster guy: Oh. Right. Sorry. (leaves)
Girl: Goddamn it, mom! You're such a fucking cockblock!
--Jules Jazz Bar
Overheard by: Millie
Insert "Sucky Movie" Headline Here
Blond lady who lunches #1: What the fuck is it with the kids these days and their fucking vampires?
Blond lady who lunches #2: Fucking Twilight.
--Madison Avenue
Overheard by: LES girl trying not to laugh
...But You Might Not Want It Back Once I Swipe It
Hobo: Happy birthday! Can I have a dollar?
Preppy guy: What? Sorry, I don't have any cash.
Hobo: I accept all major credit cards.
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: cmtWHAT
Headline by: eeny
Runners-Up:
· "...Except Diner's Club, I Have Standards, You Know" - DotTim
· "As Unemployment Rises, Technology Transforms the Bum Sector" - PeterG
· "Hobos: They're Everywhere You Want to Be" - Coyoty
· "Mastercard: Avaliable in More Places" - MaccasGirl
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
When "Musical Chairs" Goes Horribly Awry
Man: Sorry about yesterday. I got a little carried away.
Woman: That's okay. It was just the man in you.
Man: Yeah. A couple more minutes, and it would have been the man in you!
--23rd St & Park Ave
Overheard by: Marty
Atheist New Yorkers: Thank God!
Out-of-towner #1: It's Sunday.
Out-of-towner #2: Yes, it's Sunday.
Out-of-towner #1: No. It's Sunday... and everything is open. It's crowded! There's friggin' life.
Out-of-towner #2: That's because it's not Pittsburgh.
--34th St & Madison Ave
It's So Hard to Feel Alone When You Have the City
Girl on cell: Hey, where are you?
Chorus of old Hispanic men, in unison: I'm right here, baby!
--Lorimer Street, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Holly
So...Greek?
Latina #1: What's her nationality?
Latina #2: She's a lesbian.
--Houston & Broadway
And the Only Tablets I Take Are Ecstasy
Straight guy: You're like the Moses of the New York gay scene.
Gay bear: Just the chubby ones.
--NYU
Figures Don't Lie
Girl: How long since we broke up is it okay for my ex to start having sex?
Guy: Who broke up with who?
Girl: I broke up with him last week. He slept with four girls since.
Guy: I think if you broke up with him, it's okay for him.
Girl: Damn, cause I only slept with one guy since. But I did cheat on him with three guys, so we're even.
--21st St
Overheard by: learning something new everyday
Leave It to You to Put Things Into Perspective
Hobo #1: Man, god never did 'nuffin' for me. Look at me.
Hobo #2: Captain Kirk fucks purple bitches!
--9th St b/w Ave B & C
Overheard by: RR Dr. GZA
Explain Nicole Richie's Baby Then, Smartypants
Girl #1: Wait, so vampires can get mortals pregnant?
Boy: Mmm-hmm.
Girl #2: Yep. Vampires can get mortals pregnant, but mortals can't get vampires pregnant, because vampires just can't get pregnant at all.
--TKTS Booth, Times Square
Overheard by: Clueless Bystander
Some Sex Ed Videos Go Overboard in Their Attempts to Relate to Teens
Girl: But you have to wear condoms, though, man.
Guy: I know, man! But it's crazy, man.
--Bronx Community College
I Have Certain Reservations About His Father
Woman #1: Your baby doesn't have shoes on!
Woman #2: He doesn't need shoes, he's part Indian.
--Madison Square Garden
I'm All Too Familiar With Molds, Parasites and Fungi
Dude #1: Yeah, you would know how to spot them.
Dude #2: Well, I did grow the shit in '01.
--53rd St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: BTRAIN
The Local Crackhead Players' Production Of Pinocchio Left a Lot to Be Desired
Crackhead #1: Nah, I ain't.
Crackhead #2: Yo man, yo tongue be black, yo nose be wood and long. You be fibbin'!
--Ave A & 2nd St
Overheard by: Brian
No Matter How You Slice Them
Gentleman, innocently conversing with woman: He's a tall guy, what did she expect?
Out-of-control hobo sitting next to couple: Fuck that! Tall people are pizzas. Tall people are pizzas!
--A Train
Overheard by: Katie Arvidson
No, for the Last Time.
Girl: So I was curious...
Boyfriend: Wait, aren't you bi-curious?
--6th St & Ave A
Overheard by: erkala
...While I Go Rev the Getaway Car.
Big man waiting in line: Mom, it's organic, not robbery.
Mom: Okay, keep telling yourself that.
--Whole Foods
Overheard by: Jessica
Translation: "I'd Like You to Blow Me."
Red-headed boy: I like your nose.
Brunette girl: Okay.
Red-headed boy: It's like "ah! I'm a nose!"
--R Train
Your Editors Don't Use the Term "Creepy" Lightly
Husky dad: So when you and your girlfriend make love, do you turn the lights off?
Awkward son, chuckling: No.
Husky dad: You mean you actually let her look at it?
Awkward son, chuckling again: Yeah.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Dave
Look What Happened to Ashlee Simpson
Nerdy hipster guy: So that simplifies to 400-350, which is...?
Clearly hungover girl: Unnngggggg, a hundred?
Very effeminate black friend: Damn, girl, whatever happened to you? Never go full retard!
--Starbucks, Midtown
Nobody in the Midwest Is a Bit Surprised
Teenage girl #1: I'm taking math, earth science, socialism, and English.
Teenage girl #2: Uh-uh.
--President St & Smith St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: porter