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October 2009 Archives
...But He's My Son.
20-year-old female host: Can I help you with something?
12-year-old boy, staring at her: I just want to admire your body.
20-year-old female host: Excuse me?
12-year-old boy: You have a great body.
20-year-old female host: Ummmm, thanks...
12-year-old boy's friend: If I were you I'd leave, he's creepy.
20-year-old female host: I wish I could.
--Restaurant, Times Square
...With Your Mom
Father: Well, to really make it moist you gotta shove it in there.
Son: That's what she said!
Father: How 'bout you go back to the kids table?
Son: Yes, sir.
--Peter Luger Restaurant
Do You Want to Go to Military School?
Baby: Hop gla blah blah.
Mother: Stop it, or I'll leave you on this train!
--E Train
Which Part Of the Cow Do You Think It Comes From?
Girl #1: And that's why we don't drink breast milk anymore.
Girl #2: Oh, really? That's interesting.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Highly disturbed commuter
You There in the Back Row -- This Means You.
Student, referring to pinus: Wait, does that actually mean "penis"?
Latin teacher: No. But once I made a joke about penises in a paper in college and my teacher wrote, "never do this".
(class laughs)
Latin teacher: So guys, don't play with your penises!
--Bard High School Early College
Overheard by: Theseus
American Hipsters Are More American Than Hipster
Stoned 20-something hipster #1, on Disney music: Noooo, Robin Hood is so gay!
Stoned 20-something hipster #2, playing "Not in Nottingham": It is *not* gay! It's honest!
--St. Clemens Church & Theater
Overheard by: emily darwin
...She's in Between Waxes!
Thugette, calling back friend's toddler: Come here, you drunken monkey!
Child's mother: Don't call her a monkey!
--H&M Fitting Room
I Think a Lapdancer Said That to Me Once
Cabbie, after men decide not to take taxi: That's $5 for touching my door.
--14th St & Ave B
Overheard by: Crossing street
I Know That, but My Penis Doesn't
Guy on cell: Dude, I am so gonna punish that pussy.
Girl sitting next to him, texting: You know you have a small penis, right?
--L Train
Overheard by: Caged Monkey
That Was a Close One. Too Close.
Cashier: I'm worried I'm going to get pregnant when I least expect it. It's just going to sneak up on me. And, bam! I'm knocked up! You pregnant?
Cashier's friend: No, but my sister is.
--Old Navy, SoHo
The Jersey Don't Lie
Yankee fan #1, in crowded station exit: I think this is the way to Yankee Stadium.
Yankee fan #2, pointing to guy in Jeter jersey: Yeah, there's Derek Jeter up there.
--B/D Station, 161st St
Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze
You're in Brooklyn-- What Do You Think?
Middle aged woman from out of town: I don't think there are any theaters around here.
Middle aged man with large open map: Maybe. Are we still in New York?
--Broadway Junction
Overheard by: Nikki
Whereas I Enjoyed an Entire Pie at Lunch
Man in tweed jacket and bowler hat to woman sitting next to him: Lose some weight! (stands up to find another seat)
Woman, staring: I guess he had a bad day.
--M86 Bus
You're Gonna Find Out Who Killed Mr. Boddy, and You're Gonna Like It!
Teenage boy #1: Hey, let's go to my house.
Teenage boy #2: Why?
Teenage boy #1: To play a boardgame.
Teenage boy #2: I'm not playing a fucking boardgame!
Teenage boy #1: Yes you are!
--Barnes & Noble
Like Every Good Thing
Boy: Mommy, mommy, I want this! (goes to grab rock candy from bulk candy containers)
Mom: Put that down immediately, it has alcohol in it.
--Dylan's Candy Bar
Overheard by: Ben
...Wanna Get a Hotel Room After This?
Smashed male Yankees fan: Yeah, I am married. So what's the problem with your life?
Equally hammered female Yankees fan: I don't swallow, and I have two twenty-year-old twin boys.
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: Jabroni
Ironically, This Turned Into a Domestic Dispute.
Woman: Well, I'm concerned about foreign policy.
Man: Of course, you can make anything into a foreign policy issue. The environment... foreign policy... What does that even mean?
--Sweet Melissa, Brooklyn
Ssshhh! DSS Is Listening.
Mother: Honey, put on your shirt. This is a shirt and shoes kind of place.
Small boy: But you let me at home!
--Brooklyn Botanical Garden
Overheard by: Jonathan K.
Funny-- He Had the Same Message for You.
Guy: Yo, where's your boyfriend at?
Girl: He's at his house.
Guy: Tell him I hate him!
--W 207th St & Cooper St
Overheard by: The Green Cat
You May Change Your Mind
Young cashier: Have a nice day!
Small old lady: What's so nice about it?
Young cashier: That you're still alive.
--W 90th St
That'll Be Five Dollars, Please
Crazy old lady: You're gonna have a bad year.
Guy: Thank you.
Crazy old lady: You're gonna have very bad luck... you could be in the next 9/11.
--7th Ave & 36th St
Isn't Wall Street Depression Street?
Subway voice: The next stop is Bleecker Street.
English tourist #1: Bleecker Street? What's next? Unhappiness Street? Miserable Street? Depression Street?
English tourist #2: Suicide Lane. That's what's next. Now there's a one-way street...
--Uptown 6 Train
Overheard by: Percival Under Cover
The Freshman Fifteen, Explained
Girl #1: Well, college is different, because you're on your own, but in a very structured environment.
Girl #2: Did I tell you about the pancakes?
--4 Train
Next: Driving Gloves
Old woman pushing cart, loudly to old man: I'm going to get you mouthwash for your teeth.
Old man: But I don't have teeth.
Old woman, now yelling: I know that! But this way when you get teeth, you'll know you have mouthwash.
--Columbus Ave & 103rd St
Overheard by: Xsusha
Wednesday One-Liners Calculate the Circular Pigmented Area
Coed: When my nipple-hairs pop up, that means I'm done.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Hobo to tiny sexy Asian girl wearing tank top on chilly day: Two nipples for a dime?
--9th Ave & 14th St
Cute gay chick on cell: I am aware that it's pride month, but I still like to keep sharp objects away from my nipples. My gay forefathers did not fight at Stonewall so that I might wear body jewelry.
--4th Ave & 11th St, Brooklyn
Mother to little boy: Those are not meant to be shown in public; nipples are private things.
--A Train
Overheard by: g-lime
Crazy guy, yelling: When I see my nipples in the mirror, I look away!
--Bedford Ave
Overheard by: Zach Rock Steady
Wednesday One-Liners Raise the Roofie
Woman on phone: Mommy, how many people do you know who have been raped as much as her? None, exactly!
--Midtown East
Overheard by: dtrain
Woman on cell: And I didn't get raped on the subway today! It's always a good day when I don't get raped.
--6th Ave & 10th St
Overheard by: that's always good
Teen meathead on cell: Wait what? I can't really hear you. (pause) You got raped? Wait... physically or emotionally? (pause) Both? Shit.
--American Eagle Dressing Room
Overheard by: Alyssa
College bro to friend: Nah, dude, it's even better than a date rape drug!
--East Village
Girl: There are some girls who he would be more likely to rape. She's not one of them.
--Graham Ave
Wednesday One-Liners Stimulate the Economy
Tourist, loudly and proudly: They have this store at the mall!
--Louis Vuitton, 5th Ave
College girl: The second floor was pointless. It was, like, just furniture.
--Ikea, Brooklyn
Woman on cell: I'm not in a store! I know what a store looks like!
--Tompkins Square Park
Perturbed NYU chick, about New Orleans: Hopefully I will survive there for two years. They don't have H&M! Or Bloomingdale's or Anthropologie. They don't have Loehmann's...
--NYU Office
Overheard by: Melanie
Middle-aged guy passing clothing store with shirtless male models at front doors: Hollister? What is it, a ladies club inside?
--NoHo
Overheard by: Arielle
Wednesday One-Liners Make Your Eyes Water
Young man to another: And I was like, "No, man. A girl ain't supposed to smell like that, yo."
--Broadway & 37th St
Overheard by: glm
Loud Long Island woman to drunk friends: Yeah, I got really used to that smell once he came back from Nepal...
--LIRR
Guy to girl: I don't want to bring home a girl who smells like urine.
--36th & 5th
Hipster 20-something to preteen sister: This does not smell like Costa Rica! (pauses, as though to make sure) 14th Street in New York City does not smell like Costa Rica!
--14th St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: David
Man complaining to friend: If she does that one more time... I mean, if that bitch comes home one more time with her breath smelling like some other guy's dick, I swear to fucking god... I'll leave her.
--Times Square
Overheard by: drekdude
Wednesday One-Liners Are Another Year Older but None the Wiser
20-something: I didn't even realize it was my birthday until I checked Facebook!
--Upper West Side
Overheard by: mtrainetiquette
Girl to friend: We should celebrate tonight--it's my half birthday in 10 days.
--Crocodile Lounge, E 14th St
Tourist: See nobody is wearing birthday scars...
--34th St & 5th Ave
Guy to girl: Wait, did you really believe I was going to get you a Hello Kitty vibrator for your birthday?
--45th & 8th
Drunk girl to hobo: It's my birthday! You should be giving *me* money!
--111 & Broadway
Conjoined, Bearded Wednesday One-Liners
Girl on phone: You know her, red hair, goes to a lot of shows... Her lip is kind of, y'know, stuck to her nose a bit on the one side.
--Union Square
Promoter to older man passing by: Excuse me, sir, you dropped your clitoris.
--St.Mark's Place
Suit: And his head was askew...
--79th St & Central Park West
Overheard by: Ladle
Suit on cell: The woman's toenails were three inches long.
--The Village
Guy to another: I knew a guy with a tail--an extended tailbone. It was thiiiis (shows) long!
--8th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Rick
50-something New Yorker: He was Barbara Streisand's cousin! And he stretched my urethra. It was great! Well, not at the time. But now it's great!
--Broadway & 59th St
Overheard by: Nikki
Wednesday One-Liners Could Be Prime Real Estate
Male hipster: I was all excited for Central Park, you know, and then I remembered: I've seen trees before.
--Central Park
Tourist, looking at souvenir photos of Central Park: You never realize how... central it is.
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Xanthias
Tourist, looking down at map: Wait a second, guys, I can't find Central Park.
--Penn Station
Overdressed, overly made-up girl: The thing I don't like about Central Park is that it's too much like a forest.
--Central Park
Wednesday One-Liners Were "Working Late"
Girl on phone: I'm so sick of this! He keeps making excuses not to see me! I feel like I'm being used! (pause) No, really. (pause) I just can't deal anymore! We only hang out when he wants sex! (pause) And his excuses! Ohmigod! They are getting so lame. (pause) If it's not his work or boss, it's his nanny or his wife or his kid. (pause) I mean... what's his deal?
--Broadway & 20th St
Overheard by: Cali in NYC
Hispanic woman: And meanwhile the husband is in fucking Iraq, and she cheats on him with the UPS guy! What can brown do for you!
--7th Ave, Park Slope
Suit on cell: The love, the dirty sex, and the money... It's all going so well, and yet so sneaky. (hangs up, then dials another number) Mary, I think he's finding out... (pause) It's not my fault I am fucking my best friend's wife.
--79th St & Madison
Overheard by: Anna
Girl yapping on cell: It was amazing. I mean, I looked hot. (pause) Yes, I wore the naked dress. He took one look at me and had the "Uh-oh, can't control myself" expression. (pause) No, girl, his fucking wife is in town! I mean, whatever.
--51st St & Lexington Ave
Woman: He cheated... On JDate!
--26th & 8th
But I Call Her My Daughter
Anthropology professor: If you have a young girl with a knife who starts ripping up her chest, wipes off the blood, and starts rubbing ash onto her, you might call her eccentric.
--SUNY
Stony Brook, New York
Overheard by: I don't think I'd call her at all.
The Two Personality Types
Woman #1: It's a beautiful day outside.
Woman #2: I need to find a bathroom.
--Varick & Carmine
Sorry, Guess I Forgot
Tour guide: So you guys said you liked The Velvet Underground, right?
Various tour members: Yes.
Tourist wife to husband: No, we don't.
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: j
Similes Gone Wild
Girl, trying to move through crowd: I always think of trying to get through crowds like being blood in a vein with clots in it.
Guy: Yeah. We need to get some Coumadin up in this joint!
--Farmers Market, Union Square
Overheard by: threadseven
We Applaud Our Submitter's Use Of the Word "Corpulent"
Corpulent 70-something gentleman, walking up to reception desk of upscale restaurant: I think I should get an awahd for wearing this shoyt today. You know who dis is? Died 50 yeahs ago on this exact day. Da greatest jazz singah of all time: Billie Holiday.
(reception staff stares blankly)
Corpulent 70-something gentleman: You nevah hoyd of her?!
--Nougatine Room
Overheard by: Andrew
Sounds Pretty Vanilla to Me, Bob
Entrepreneur #1: We could have ice cream hands jobs.
Entrepreneur #2: Huh?
Entrepreneur #1: Yeah, two things everybody likes.
--Bleecker Street & Broadway
Nuh-Uh!
Boy, passing smokers: Daddy, I smell cigarettes.
Dad: I know, it's smelly...
Smoker #1: Daddy, I smell obnoxious children.
Smoker #2: I know, they're smelly...
Dad, leaving: Poopie-heads.
--120th St & Amsterdam Ave
Overheard by: smoker
Be Grateful You're a Romanov With Hemophilia
Little boy, about little brother: Daddy, he says that when the blood on his knee dries, he's gonna pick it off and throw it at me! Daddy, tell him not to do that!
Dad: That scrape is fresh. We have plenty of time before we need to worry about that.
--6 Train
I'm Barred From Her Dungeon for Life
Slutty lesbian chick buying ice cream: So then she says "Scream! I'm going to keep spanking you until you scream!"
Slightly less slutty chick: So what did you do?
Slutty lesbian chick: Well, I wanted it to be hot, but when it came out it wasn't so much an "I'm getting spanked, and it's hot" scream as it was an "I'm shitty and it hurts" grunt.
--Grocery Store, The Bronx
You Have Chinese Teriyaki Chicken in Your Pants, Don't You?
Girl: I'm in the mood for chicken.
Guy: Teriyaki chicken?
Girl: No...
Guy: Chinese Teriyaki chicken?
Girl: No...
--53rd & 6th
Overheard by: Pooja
After We Were Both Sorely Disappointed That X-Men Wasn't Porn
Hipster girl #1: I like how anti-comic you are.
Hipster girl #2: I like how we discovered how anti-comic we are.
--Cake Shop
Overheard by: Kaet
I'm Matthew Now
Elated girl, seeing guy: Matt?!
Guy: No.
--14th & 6th
Makes Me Feel Closer to Tobey Maguire
Redhead: I thought it was a bee.
Brunette: It's a spider.
Redhead: Oh. I have them in my hair all the time.
--85th & 3rd
I'm Pretty Sure It Was the Mustache
20-something Midwestern actress type transplant #1: Yeah, I was told by one of my drama teachers once, way back in school, that I had the "passion and commitment to theater" that Hitler had.
(five-second pause)
20-something Midwestern actress type transplant #2: Wow!
20-something Midwestern actress type transplant #1: No, it wasn't a compliment, she didn't like me very much.
--Chinese Restaurant, Astoria
Naturally, He's Married, but Still
Woman in yellow dress: Ya'll know how all women want Tupac with a weave?
Woman's friend: Mmm-hmm.
Woman in yellow dress: Well, this was him! 'Cept he doesn't drink, doesn't cuss, and he goes to church!
--Downtown F Train
Overheard by: Nina L.
Thousands Of 'em Come in on the PATH Train Every Day
Father, holding toddler son: Alright, I'm bored. Let's go try and find some rats.
Toddler son: Oh! Rats!
--1 Train
Overheard by: John
I Kinda Regret Reading About It in Her Diary
Girl #1: My mom dated a black guy when she was younger.
Girl #2, laughing: Really!?
Girl #1: Yeah. Yo, he tore that shit up... early.
--Hunter College
Overheard by: LiDra
So, Like Canada and the U.S.?
Tourist: So what the difference between hummus and falafel?
Guy at counter: Well... one is hummus, and the other is falafel.
--Mamoun's Falafel, MacDougal St
Overheard by: Tacologic
Meet Edgar Allen Potassium
Boy holding food on stick at street fair: Want some, grandpa?
Grandpa: What is it?
Boy: Chocolate covered banana.
Grandpa: No, no, no! A thousand times no!
--64th St & Broadway
Overheard by: hannah g-pa
Wasn't That a Quentin Tarantino Film?
Woman: Are there dogs in that roof?
Man, sarcastically: Yeah, roof dogs.
--Court St b/w Pacific & Dean
New York Girls Do Tend to Be Salty
Big girl: You're sweet.
Cute girl: No I'm not, I'm full of piss and vinegar.
--Metro-North Rail
Your Editors Are Terrified
Jrsey tan Carrie Bradshaw: Oh. My. Gawd. This naybahood look jus like Charlotte's! (King Charles Spaniel walks by) Oh my gawd! Thats Charlotte's dawg!
Jersey tan long summer dress: Oh my gawwwd, it is... That's so weird!
Jersey tan Carrie Bradshaw: Everything is sooo Sex and the City right now! It's scary that like everything in my life relates back to Sex and the City!
--81st & Columbus Ave
Overheard by: Andy
Well You Talk About It with Your Colleagues
Little girl, loudly, to security guard: My brother has a suspicious package in his pants!
Mother, pulling her away: You don't talk about that in public!
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Strip search in 3...2...1...
Though the Crabs Kinda Do Have His Eyes...
Girl #1: Getting knocked up is totally not the worst thing that can happen to you when you're sexually active.
Girl #2: For sure. I wish I was growing a little Bradley, instead of whatever it is I have brewing down here.
--Morningside Heights
The Best I Can Do Is a Parable
Girl #1: Oh my god, I have such a long outline to do. Save me.
Girl #2: I wish I could, but I'm Jesus.
--59st St & Lexington Ave
Overheard by: yana
For Your Information, I'm Making a Vest.
Dude in car: Hey! Hey! You lost something! Hey, you!
Bald man on cell: What?
Dude in car: Yea, you lost something! You lost your hair!
--94th St & Park Ave
Overheard by: Nadrian
Her Imagination Shot Itself
Girl: So, yeah. She's campaigning for the creationists now.
Guy: Noooooooo!
--Columbia Campus
Now What If You're Looking at an Apple Pie?
Man preaching from bible: If you look at a woman that's not your wife and want to have sex with her, that's fornication!
Skater kid: Damn straight!
--Union Square
And Your Mother Keeps Giving Birth to Human Children
Cute little girl: Daddy! Daddy! Come over here!
Large angry man: No! I want to see the monkeys!
--Central Park Zoo
Where They Make Us Take a Refresher Course on Ethnic Stereotypes Biannually
Muscular mook with sweet tribal tattoo, driving Toyota Tundra, yelling on cell: Someone stole my fucking knapsack! It had my fucking Merrill's. My Sperry's. If I see someone wearing Sperry's, I will fucking crush them.
Tajikistani cab driver: That is the bad kind of Italian. I should know, I live in Bay Ridge.
--53rd & 9th Ave
If You Must Know, It's Ironic.
NYU girl #1 to NYU girl #2, behind hipster: Damn, is your back sweaty!
Hipster: Hey, don't make fun of my glisten!
--Washington Square Park
If Ever an "Aww, Snap!" Were Called For...
Average-sized girl: This stuff is beautiful! But it would look so blah on me. You're lucky you're a size 24 waist and can look so hot in this stuff.
Model-looking friend: Meh, it's overrated.
Average-sized girl: Yeah, right! Name one thing that's not cool about being as thin as you are.
Model-looking friend: Well, I kind of miss... eating. (awkward pause) And also, I'm a size 23 waist.
--Upper East Side
Overheard by: Hopes she's exaggerating
As Part Of My Installation Piece.
Disheveled white female to two male black space-art painters: You gotta know Nate!
(no response from men) I took out his eyes and his dick.
--E 8th b/w Broadway & Astor
Overheard by: No clue what that actually meant
I Miss My High School Wedgie-and-Swirlie Friends
Thug selling rap CDs on the corner to nervous Asian boy walking by: Yo, man, you know you want a CD.
Nervous Asian boy: (keeps walking)
Thug, hitting Asian boy on shoulder: You better buy a fucking CD.
Nervous Asian boy: No, thank you. (begins walking faster and turns to friend) You know, I could really see being friends with that guy.
--8th & Broadway
Overheard by: Kay
A Language Packed With Age-Appropriate Obscenities
Construction worker: Hey beautiful, you have a lovely day.
Young girl: I'm fourteen, you perv!
Construction worker: Ay, puta...
Young girl: And I speak Spanish!
--9th St & University
My AA Sponsor Says to Work on One Vice at a Time
Man: Baby, I told you I had a meeting...
Girl: Yeah, but you didn't say it was at a strip club!
--East Village
...We're Having a LGBT Singles Mixer!
Middle aged black lady, giving subway directions: So what are you trying to get to on 42nd Street?
Group of teen girls: Home.
Lady: Homos?
Girls: Home!
Lady: Oh, I thought you said homos, I was gonna tell you to send them to church!
--Uptown F train
...From a Donkey.
Woman, looking at two obese ladies flirting with a construction worker: This scene makes me want to puke.
Man with her: (laughs)
Woman: But all I've got in my stomach is cum.
--Gramercy Park
Overheard by: Me Too?
Are You Still Watching SpongeBob?
Teen boy: Was it you who told me you watch porn?
Teen girl, sarcastic: Yeah.
Teen boy: Do you really?
Teen girl, rolling eyes: Oh, all the time.
Teen boy: Did you know there are some girls who put a squid up there?
--C Train
Overheard by: Paige
...But If We Did, I'd Feel Those Pants Are Tacky.
British professor: When I moved from England to the States I was always so surprised to hear people use the phrase, "I feel" this and "I feel" that...
NYU kid: Why?
British professor: Because we don't feel.
--Cantor Film Center, NYU
Just the Cigarette- and Penis-Shaped Ones, Then?
Mother: And I got you some of those little erasers that look like potpies and sushi and stuff, apparently all the kids collect them and trade them these days.
Daughter: Mom, you are aware that I'm 23?
--Penn Station
And, While He's Fucking Me, Scream Out, "I'm Straaaiiiight!"
Obviously gay guy: But I'm not gay.
Slightly less gay friend: Yes you are.
Obviously gay guy: No, it's not about the male genitalia. It's about finding someone who fits me like a puzzle piece.
Slightly less gay friend: Who just happens to have a penis.
Obviously gay guy: Yeah.
Slightly less gay friend: Mmm-hmm.
--Roxy, Times Square
Overheard by: Token
Still Think Jared Can't Get Any Creepier?
Troubled thug: Yeah, for some reason your mom really wants me to hook up with her... But I dunno...
Envious thug: You should, man, she's really attractive! I mean, I know you already got a girlfriend and whatever, but god put you on earth for such a short time...
Troubled thug: Yeah, I dunno...
Envious thug: God, I wish I had your luck with women.
--Subway Sandwich Shop
Overheard by: Are you talking about his mom, or...?
Only Now It Burns When I Pee
Ghetto chick #1: When I was younger, I was afraid to wash myself in certain areas.
Ghetto chick #2: Why?
Ghetto chick #1: Well, I thought that if I washed my vagina, it would burn.
Ghetto chick #2: Um... You're over that now, right? You wash now?
Ghetto chick #1: Oh yeah. Everything's fine now. I wash it.
--Red Lobster, Times Square
Overheard by: Kit
Stacy London Was a Tough Kid to Raise
Little girl in line at ATM: Mommy, I liked your hair better when it was gold.
Mother: Gold hair is expensive, honey. There's a recession going on. Don't like mommy's new recession color?
Little girl: Not really.
--106 St & 2nd Ave
Or, Like, "I Can't Come to Work Because It's My Mom's Funeral"
Man: Ohmigod! I hate people that are like "I have boy issues because my dad molested me."
Woman: Ohmigod, I know! It's like people who are like "I can't go to the gym because I have my period."
--Downtown 1 Train
Although for Some Reason I've Never Seen My Girlfriend and My Mom in the Same Room...
Thugette: Hurry up, motherfucker!
Thug: Hey! I ain't never ever fucked my mother!
--40th & 8th
Headline by: subtleglow
Runners-Up:
· "Don't Be Vulgar, We Made Love!" - lisha dlp
· "See How He Slipped in That Double Negative? Sly..." - funkstar
· "She Has Standards, After All" - Terry B
· "That Makes One Of Us" - John T
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Is Anyone Crazier Than White People? Discuss.
Intelligent-looking girlfriend: How's she going to run a marathon in 60 minutes?
Intelligent-looking boyfriend, indifferently: It's impossible.
Intelligent-looking girlfriend: I mean, not even those crazy black people can run that fast.
Intelligent-looking boyfriend, unfazed: I know.
Intelligent-looking girlfriend: I mean, I can't even drive that fast in the city!
Intelligent-looking boyfriend: Um... I hope you can go 26 miles in one hour.
Intelligent-looking girlfriend: Oh, right. I'm sorry. I was thinking 60 miles an hour. It's the vodka talking. Now kiss me once nicely, without whiskers.
(two minutes later)
Intelligent-looking girlfriend: I remember the first time I showered with you and I had this big snot coming out my nose.
Intelligent-looking boyfriend: I remember the first time I slept with you, and farted a lot.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Rick
Gosh, I Miss San Francisco
Chick: You told me this was a safe neighborhood!
Dude: It *is*! Just not safe to get naked in!
--Livingston St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ladle
Wednesday One-Liners Have Nothing to Lose But Their Chains
Bearded male hipster on cell: My clit is so stimulated right now! (pause) The communists are attacking! (pause) This is awkward.
--Grassroots Bar
Overheard by: Sarah Booz
Guy playing guitar: Look on the bright side, at least we don't have to wait in line for toilet paper anymore. Fucking communists.
--L Train
Overheard by: Milt
Man, seeing another man carrying large box of cereal from warehouse store: That's the biggest box of Cheerios I've seen since we lived on the commune!
--6 Train
Overheard by: Janine
Young, normally-dressed guy, to no one in particular: Your President is a commie scumbag, and he owes me money.
--23rd St b/w 5th & 6th
Wednesday One-Liners Like to Move It, Move It!
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed by a stalled train directly behind us. We hope to be moving shortly. Once again, ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed by a train directly behind us. Thank you for your patience.
--6 Train
Overheard by: little_pooh_1
Conductor: The bathrooms on this train are located four cars from the rear; count four cars as you move forward from the end of the train. Forward is the direction the train is traveling in.
--Metro-North Railroad
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, the next and last stop on this train is Jamaica. If you want to go somewhere, we're probably not going there... unless it's Jamaica, but that's highly unlikely. Jamaica, next and last stop!
--LIRR
Overheard by: Christian
Train conductor: This is Times Square, 42nd Street. Transfer is available to any train you could possibly imagine.
--Uptown Q Train
Train conductor, stalling train: Luis Garcia, could you please step off the train? The cops is lookin' for you... We will not move the train til Luis Garcia steps off the train. Luis?
--2 Train
No Meal Is Complete Without Wednesday One-Liner!
Suit: Guess what he found. (pause) A stick of butter. (pause) In the soap dish of the bathtub upstairs.
--Cafe Toda, Broadway & John St
Loud teenage boy: They're completely uncivilized. They don't even use tomato sauce.
--Japan Society
Overheard by: Sunny
Student, about dorm room: I walk in and thought there was a pile of shit on my bed. I look a little closer, and it was a fucking wad of dip.
--College, The Bronx
Student to another: Who made you the butter police?
--Union & 7th Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Lauren Razzore
It's a Beautiful Wednesday in the One-Linerhood
Teenage Guido on cell: The beer is staying in Marine Park. (pause) Yeah, we're going to Rockaway, but the beer is staying in Marine Park. In the alley. My alley! (pause) Yes! You don't understand English, dude!
--Burger King
Overheard by: Laura E.
Guy on cell: I'm always skeptical of people these days who say they want to go out in the Lower East Side. That makes me think they went to Trinity or Duke, and that they suck.
--S. Portland & Fulton
Guy on cell: This is a superficial neighborhood. They'll only hire you if you're young and hot.
--Hell's Kitchen
Overheard by: didn't know my hood was superficial
Tan guy to messenger guy: So what kind of gay are you? Park Slope gay?
--23rd St & 6th Ave
Guy on cell, triumphantly: We're in the Financial District, bitch!
--Financial District
Wednesday One-Liners Have the City's Shittiest Job
Comedy club promoter: Comedy club, comedy club. Laugh until you get violent diarrhea!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Patrick
Comedy promoter to girl walking by: Hey, you like comedy? (girl ignores him) Yeah, you the strong, silent type... I like that in a woman.
--48th & Broadway
Overheard by: MsPrint
Comedy show ticket salesman on sidewalk: Comedy show! Free vibrators! New batteries!
--Times Square
Guy promoting comedy club to couple holding hands: Hey, what are you two doing tonight? ...besides each other?
--Times Square
Comedy promoter: Want to see a comedy show? We've got free marijuana downstairs.
--W 43rd St & 9th Ave
Overheard by: Daniel
Wednesday One-Liners Won't Eat in a Restaurant Called "Ma's"
Nine-year-old boy to mother, forlornly: In five days, it will be two weeks since we last ate in a restaurant.
--75th & Amsterdam
Jewish girl with heavy New York accent: So when we went to the South we ate at a waffle house, aka the most amazing experience ever! Everyone there was missing at least two teeth!
--Baruch College
Overheard by: kteezy
Man on cell: What the fuck was in that Chipotle last night?
--Hell's Kitchen
Overheard by: Steve
Preppy teenage boy to friend: Dude, so then I took her to Applebee's. She thought it was so romantic--like "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" status.
--Hunter
Overheard by: Hakuna Matata
Wham, Bam, Thank You Ma'am One-Liners
Older gentleman on phone: I was just calling to ask if you wanted to make love to my nice, long, Lebanese penis again tonight. (pause) Yes, yes, 10 works for me.
--45th & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Morgan
Mother, hissing to girl dancing exuberantly: You stop that! Stop it! Boys will try to sex you! Stop!
--6 Train Station
Girl on cell, yelling: He got soft inside me! That's, like, the worst insult ever!
--23rd & 9th
Girl on cell: Come over to the 7-Eleven anytime. I will fuck you!
--Washington Square West
Overheard by: David Fishkind
Brunching woman to friends: We lived in Buffalo! We could have had sex on the sidewalk, but it was four years before we were engaged!
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: Alexandra
Wednesday One-Liners Meet the Fail Whale
50-something man to friends: Have you heard about Twitter? It's a new way of communicating in short text messages. Each message is called a twoo... No, a tween. No, a twain. No, a twat... No, that's certainly not it.
--Lobby, Off Broadway Theater
Overheard by: another electric guy
Guy with iPhone: I have to twitter! Does the girl with the room above the high line know she's topless?
--The High Line
Woman, while waiting for film to start: Joan Rivers just tweeted.
--Chelsea Clearview Cinemas
Guy on cell: All those food trucks? I'm not into them, but those fucking homosexuals follow them on twitter.
--Waverly Place & MacDougal
Overheard by: Sally
Unassuming hipster with group of girl friends: Sometimes I drink just so I can tweet drunk.
--Williamsburg, Brooklyn
Middle aged woman dressed like a teen, hitting on baseball fan: Your cat could definitely have a twitter page.
--F Train
How About If You Walk Me Over There, Chulalongkorn?
Girl: My friend is at the passenger pick-up area. Where is that?
Airport worker: The passenger pick-up is where the passenger is picked up.
Girl: Yeah, where is it?
Airport worker: At the passenger pick-up.
--La Guardia Airport
Overheard by: Joe
Then They Make Me Dance on a Pole As Punishment
Tween girl #1: My nickname with my parents is "buns".
Tween girl #2: Everyone in my family calls me "hottie". But when I get in trouble, I get called by my full name.
--5th Ave & 57th St
Overheard by: Bemused
For the Last Time, the Hamburger Helper Does Not Count
Hoochie hispanic preteen #1: I can't fit into Victoria's Secret.
Hoochie hispanic preteen #2: Oh please, even my mom fits into Victoria's Secret, and she has three hands.
Hoochie hispanic preteen #1: Mmm-hmm. (shakes head approvingly)
--Staten Island
Overheard by: I'm sorry it was hard not to hear
What You Never Knew About Supergirl's Upbringing
Mom to screaming girls: If you do not stop right now, there will be no tv for a week.
Girls: Nooooo!
Mom: That or a spanking.
Girl #1: I'll take the spanking.
Mom: You don't want the spanking. I will spank you so hard you won't sit for a week.
Girl #2, yelling: When are you going to beat me? I want you to beat me!
--Post Office, Staten Island
Though I Didn't Foresee That You'd No Longer Be One
Girl #1: And it's been a few years now, and I've been with a man.
Girl #2: I knew that would happen.
--84th St & Park Ave
Overheard by: Nick
If I'm Gonna Puke, It'll Be Because I'm Bulimic, Y'know?
Pretty girl #1: That's why I picked my roommate before college. I wanted to make sure she wasn't fat. I mean, what am I supposed to say? "You have to wear clothing at all times in the room cause I don't wanna puke?"
Pretty girl #2: Ew!
--Chinese-American Take Out, Ave C
...Only the Children Of Relatives
Gay #1: I'm just nervous about holding the baby.
Gay #2: Haven't you ever held a baby before?
Gay #1: Yes, but not babies that matter!
--Candle Bar, Upper West Side
Overheard by: Jason Bowman
You Mean, Like, Over IM?
NYU student to friends: Let's exchange ideas and have, like, a discussion.
Stoop-warming friends: (laugh)
NYU student, annoyed: No, like, for real.
--University Place & 8th
Overheard by: SK
I Smell a Potential Game Show!
Jersey tourist: It's so confusing that on the train first goes Newark Penn Station followed by New York Penn Station.
New Yorker: It's to weed out the weak.
--Mulberry Street
Budweiser's New Ad Campaign Is Edgier Than Ever
Asian girl #1: Ew, I don't like the taste of beer.
Asian girl #2: Yeah, but if you don't drink beer and get used to the taste, people will date-rape you.
--Q Train
Overheard by: quesito
Too Soon for a Heath Ledger Headline?
Six-year-old boy: Mom, did you know that Elvis Presley died of a drug overdose?
Mom: Well, that won't ever happen to you.
Six-year-old boy, angrily: How do you know?
--Atlantic Ave Station
Overheard by: Jon Good
Norm Has No Idea How Scary That Sounds in a German Accent
Scruffy American to tourist dudes: We could always just go cruising.
German #1: What is "cruising"?
Scruffy American: It's when you, like, drive around in a car slowly and yell things out the window.
German #2: Like what?
Scruffy American: Like "nice ass!"
German #2: Okay!
--Greenpoint, Brooklyn
Overheard by: MikeG
Official Answer: the Hat.
West Point cadet #1: And then there's the Naked Cowboy. He should be around here somewhere.
West Point cadet #2: How the fuck do they know he's a cowboy if he's naked?
--Times Square
I Was Just Joking About It Having Been in a Mule's Ass.
Brunette girl: (enters elevator and stares angrily at Asian girl next to her, then leaves elevator)
Asian girl, to guy next to her: Oh my god!
Guy: What?
Asian girl: That was the same girl! I stuck a dildo in her mouth while we were all drunk last night.
Guy: Haha.
Asian girl: I don't know why she's mad at me. Like, what's the big deal, get over it.
Guy: Yeah, seriously.
--Chelsea
Like Sharks, City Girls Hunt in Packs
Whiny teen #1: I like your shorts.
Aquarium employee: Thanks.
Whiny teen #2: She wants to suck your dick.
Aquarium employee: I'm honored.
--Coney Island Aquarium
Overheard by: boogynights
You're Scaring Jean-Luc
Excited bro #1: Dude! There it is! There's the dog I was talking about!
Excited bro #2: You were right! It's so big! It's like a horse! I want to sit on it!
Man with Great Dane: Stop following me!
--Washington Square Park
I'd Have to Know Your Name First
Guy to girl: Just because I slept with you doesn't mean we get to be Facebook friends!
Girl, in Southern accent: Oh, shoot!
--14 St & Ave B
Overheard by: Obducomiapint
Vincent D'Onofrio's Fan Base: Explained.
Girl #1: I cant believe you made out with him!
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: He's not even your type!
Girl #2: What do you mean? He's exactly my type!
Girl #1, exasperated: He has Asperger's!
Girl #2, matter of factly: Exactly!
--Union Square
Hateful Slur or Queens Endearment? Discuss.
Ice cream truck guy to boy on scooter: How are you doing, little man?
Little boy to ice cream guy: How are you doing, faggot?
--Astoria, Queens
Tyler Perry Knows All About Stupid
Comedy show guy: Comedy! You already spent money on the plane ticket to come to this stupid place, you might as well have some fun while you're here. We have black people and fried shit. Ma'am, do you want to see a comedy show?
Large black woman: No.
Comedy show guy: Why not? Are you "different"?
Large black woman: No, I live here, so I already know everything is stupid. Including your show.
Comedy show guy:: Give me a hug. That was awesome.
--46th & Broadway
Overheard by: Wes
When Wrestlers Reminisce
Guy: I'm hanging with Ray tonight. You know Ray?
Girl: Yeah, I know him! I used to sit on his face!
--4 Train
Overheard by: Rocco
...But You Know She Bugged Me, Right?
Dad: I won't tell mommy about the donut you're eating if you don't tell mommy about the cigarette I'm about to smoke.
Daughter: Okay.
--Coffee Shop, Park Slope
Can We See Ratatouille Again, Daddy?
Little girl: I am looking for the rat that we saw eating throw-up. It was... soooo...
Dad: Soooo awesome... I remember!
--Rector & Trinity
...My Little Absurdist.
Mother: We're going across the park! The park is wet!
Two-year-old daughter: Where are we going?
Mother: To the Guggenheim museum. We're going to see art.
Two-year-old daughter: Noooooo.
Mother: You'll like it. Can you say "Kandinsky"?
Two-year-old daughter: Bounce bounce bounce!
Mother: Just look at the damn park.
--M86 Bus
Speaking Of Cold...
Guy: I have to say, one nice thing about living here is that the winters are so cold that a lot of the homeless freeze to death. So, you know, there's a lot less of them.
Girl: Dude, it's "fewer". Not "less".
--17th & 9th
Overheard by: Mike
Kim Cattrall Has Fallen on Hard Times
Tourist man to girlfriend, pulling out a ring: Will you marry me?
Bag lady, interjecting: Has he made you come yet?
Tourist girlfriend, terrified: Um... no?
Bad lady: Don't marry him 'till he makes you come.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Kari
I'm Next, Motherfucker!
Little boy to man sitting across from him: It's my birthday!
Man: Well, you know what? Now you have to wait 12 months till your next birthday. I don't have to wait 12 months till my next birthday.
--R Train
Aren't You Supposed to Be Good at Math?
Drunk Asian girl: I was like totally supposed to be born on January 23, but was really born a week later, so like on January 30th. Then, a few years later, my sister was born on January 22. She like stole my birthday!
Gay guy: What a bitch!
Drunk Asian girl: I know! I always thought she was older than me because of that!
--Downtown A Train
The Bible Explicitly Forbids Hot Puppet Sex
Large, jolly lady usher #1, as disturbed-looking Midwestern tourist-family walks by: I always cringe when people bring their children. There should be signs telling them it's inappropriate.
Large, jolly lady usher #2: Remember the woman who kept telling us she was going to pray for us? Girl, that made my day!
--45th St
Overheard by: Ladle
Time Flies at Gunpoint
Security guard: I hate it when there's nothing to do all day.
Cashier: Today's been good, though. Hectic. Lot of people robbing us.
--Duane Reade
Just Gimme Three Steps
Little kid to father: Can you let go of my hand for a little?
Father to kid, dead serious: Why, are you going to try to run away?
Little kid: Yes.
--West Village
What's Comfortable About Being Face to Face With a Stranger?
Professor: So when humans evolved to bipedalism and were walking on two legs instead of four, their sexual practices changed and they began to have face to face sex.
Guy in back of class: Well, I mean... it's not always face to face.
Professor: Well, it tends to be the most common and most comfortable way for bipeds to have sex.
(long pause)
Professor: I assume by your silence that you disagree.
--Barnard
Overheard by: You had to say that to the Prof???
And I Do
Woman: I like butts. I don't have no butt fetish!
Male friend: You're always saying "kiss my butt"!
--39 th St & Broadway
I Blame New York
Guy #1: And I don't want to be gay about it, but it was love at first sight.
Guy #2: Dude, that's pretty gay.
Guy #1: Yeah, it is rather gay.
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Heather
Wanna Split It?
Preppy girl #1: I'm feeling sorta...
Preppy girl #2: Peckish?
Preppy girl #1: Like starvation-ish.
Preppy girl #2: Uh, I've got a mint.
--Liquor Store, Prospect Heights
Overheard by: lola w.
A Better Question Is, Why Are People Still Leaning on the Doors?
Young boy: I can read this. "Do not lean against door."
Mom: Close. "Do not lean... on... door." Very good! Did the picture help you read it?
Young boy: No, yes, no, no!
--6 Train
Overheard by: Phillip Roncoroni
Don't Worry-- In a Totally Sexual Way, Of Course.
Guy, showing friend family photos: This is me and my brother.
Friend: It's just the two of you? No sister?
Guy: Nah, man! If I had a sister, I'd smack her!
--1 Train
Overheard by: please don't smack me
...Wrapped in Bacon.
20-something chick: What's a good man gift?
20-something friend: Full frontal nudity.
--Rockefeller Plaza
...Delicious but Deadly
Guy to friends sitting on steps: Anyone want any chips?
(distributes snack chips)
Friend: Hey! What flavor of chips are these? They taste like paint smells!
Guy: Paint chips.
--Union Square
Overheard by: akb427
Or Suffocated in Their Polyester Jumpers
Girl, drawing: Should her shoes be open-toed or close-toed?
Boy: Close-toed. Like ballet shoes.
Girl, seriously: You mean platform ballet shoes?
Boy: There's no such thing as platform ballet shoes. You can't do ballet in platforms. This is why disco died, Anne. Everybody fell over.
--Midtown
Overheard by: Sunny
Um, Why Do You Think Mirrors Were Invented?
Girlfriend: So, you want to make out?
Boyfriend: Both of us?
Girlfriend: Uh... yeah, generally that's how it works.
--A Train
Psh, Like Wendy's Is Kosher
Cashier: What would you like to order?
Tween: A cheeseburger.
Cashier: Do you want cheese on that cheeseburger?
--Wendy's
Overheard by: Chelsea
Only on Fridays
Bimbette #1, walking by long line waiting outside Grimaldi's: Look at this, all these people in line for pizza.
Bimbette #2: Wow, what are they doing? Are they putting crack in it?
--Old Fulton St., Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ger-Man in New York
...Are You As Turned on As I Am?
Guy to girl smoking cigarette: Didn't your mother tell you smoking is bad for you?
Girl: Didn't your mother tell you never to talk to strangers?
--181st & Broadway
Though My Hindsight Is 20/20
Preteen girl #1, seeing friend take out glasses case: Oh my god, you wear glasses?
Preteen girl #2: Yeah, I have really bad foresight.
--Columbus Cricle
Which Is My Default Answer for All Issues Involving Men
50-something woman to coworker at Burger King: And he said, "Why you always coming in here, dressed up like you're at the beach? What is that?" And I was like, "Yeah, please, put me on a real beach, in like Dominican Republic or something."
Coworker: He probably just wanted to see you in your bikini.
--LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: ... But I know I wouldn't
We're Not Even Tourists
Girl #1: That's a tourist bus!
Girl #2: Yeah, well... we're tourists!
Girl #1, after long sigh: We're from Long Island!
--E 14 St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: holly
Manhattan Does Not Appreciate Slapstick Comedy
Thugling to friend tossing banana peel on sidewalk: Yo pick that up! This ain't The Bronx! They'll give you a ticket for that shit up here!
Friend, glancing back: Too late.
--Upper Eeast Side
Overheard by: Turtle shells are better
Wednesdays Floss After Every One-Liner
Asian girl on cell: Yeah... or I could just knock her teeth out and sell them on eBay or something.
--Chelsea Market
Overheard by: Alyssa
Girl on cell: And out of nowhere dude a goddamn peacock feather hit me in the teeth!
--Starbucks, 8th & 39th
Old man: I can smell my own tooth decay!
--Times Square
Overheard by: One Liners Are The Best
Lady on cell: I don't know what to do. I'm like nervous... I know... I haven't bought toothpaste in years...
--Duane Reade
Guy on phone: The difference between you and me is you drink tea and eat tofu. I drink whiskey and make people eat their teeth.
--48th & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Rebecca
Wednesday One-Liners Have a Breakthrough
Employee: They tryin' to tell me I'm bipolar. I ain't bipolar; I just a overprotective parent.
--Chock Full o' Nuts, W 86th St
Overheard by: Emily B.
Calm woman: The thing about being a therapist is that, well, you're just a band-aid.
--W 3rd St
Dude, introducing himself: So, uh, my therapist thinks I'm ready to start dating again.
--F Train
Overheard by: Jenny
Eight-year-old with older man to cashier: He's not my father, he's my therapist.
--Deli, Upper West Side
Wednesdays Feel Virtuous When They Don't Eat One-Liners
Weird hobo: Ladies and gentleman, I am a disabled Vietnam vet. I'm asking help from all of you so I don't wind up on the streets. While in Vietnam, I was exposed to Agent Orange, which caused me my disability--I became a vegetarian.
--Downtown 3 Train
Overheard by: An Amused Former Vegetarian
Aging hippie to woman spouting PETA propaganda: I've been a vegan for 30 years. You're embarrassing me. Why do you do that?
--F Train
Overheard by: AeC
Guy: Yo, I'm vegetarian now, I don't eat no meat, but man I love that chicken. That chicken just keeps comin' back to me!
--Manna's
Overheard by: eatinginharlem
Crazy-looking woman on bench: Oh my gosh, I was totally a vegetarian yesterday. Like literally, I ate no meat.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Meat Eater
Clueless 20-something female: Do you have another menu? I'm a vegan.
--Brother Jimmy's BBQ, 31st St
Not in the Face, Wednesday One-Liner!
Man on phone: Wait, so she bit you? Dude! Wait, what? She punched you? Oh, you went to punch her? Dude, you punched her?
--Penn Station
Too young for final stage alcoholism guy: I totally held my own. I knocked the girl out and fucked the guy up.
--10th St & Ave A
Gangster: Next time I see him, I'ma kick him in his good leg.
--Uptown F Train
Softball-player-looking girl to friends: If you ever wear a tiara at your wedding, I'm going to punch you in the face.
--Wagner Park
Overheard by: mclaire
Young mother to others: Yeah, but you hafta be careful. You can't just hit your kids in public.
--Rivington & Essex
Overheard by: verbal abuse ftw!
Boyfriend to girlfriend: But if I punch you in the throat you will stop breathing.
--SoHo
Teen girl: Did you see that? I almost punched Ira's glass in the chest! That was awesome!
--AMC Theater, 19th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Katie
Control-Alt-Wednesday One-Liners
Lady with no teeth to bathroom attendant: I love your sparkly eyeshadow! The doctor who did my second abortion had the same eyeshadow!
--Public Restroom, Bryant Park
Overheard by: Slydell
Girl on cell: I would rather have diabetes than get an abortion.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Kári Emil
Asian hipster girl: Abortion, abortion, abortion, Aids!
--NYU Dorm
Overheard by: i'll take the next elevator
Teen on cell: I've never been a fan of abortion, but if we could just make this little mistake go away.
--Penn Station
Hipster girl to friends: I mean, I think it should be a choice. Like, I'm not pro-abortion. Actually, I am pro-abortion. I think we should all have been aborted. Our parents made the wrong choice.
--2 Train
Guy on cell: I've pooped in the bushes and an abortion clinic, but never on the floor.
--The Gate, Park Slope
Overheard by: Nathan
Is Christopher Walken a Wednesday One-Liner?
Guy in white shirt and tie: So what, so what if the aliens landed in Brooklyn? And they start shooting their guns, their laser guns on the corner, in the candy store? What then? Do we just let them in the shelter?
--John Jay College of Criminal Justice
Crazy guy: I am an alien from outer space! I have crash landed on your planet! This is our language! (saxophone solo)
--C Train
Overheard by: Emily B.
Conductor: We will be stopped at the next station for ten minutes. You are not allowed to exit the train, so that means no smoke breaks or bathroom trips. If you do get off of the train you will be abducted by aliens and never heard from again.
--Amtrak Train, Penn station
Overheard by: Madge
Hobo to teen girls: Can you spare some change for a space man? I wanna get drunk later.
--94th St & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners for T
Announcer: There is a downtown b as in "brothel" train approaching 81st Street. That's right. Brothel.
--81st St Station
Angry hobo, after receiving no money: Well, fine, screw you all! The reason you ain't giving me anything is cause no of y'all speak English. They should call this the "e" for "immigrant" train.
--E Train
Overheard by: Matt
Dude outside bar at happy hour: He expects me to be a BFF. But I'm just a bf... No, I'm just an f.
--9th Ave & 56th St
Overheard by: K Melv
Businesswoman on cell: No... the letter s... "s" as in "shot."
--Madison Square Park
Crazy woman to herself: My mom always called me "a" because, when I was little, really little, like before I could talk, I would sing "a a a a a a" over and over. And that was the joke, that I knew the first letter of the alphabet. (shrugs)
--S79 Bus
Little kid, singing alphabet song: A - b - c - d - h - i - v!
--M102 Bus
Wednesday One-Liners Won't Go to Brooklyn to Eat
Elderly woman yelling at man looking at map: Where you going? What color is your train? Is it yellow or orange? This train is green. You should get on a red train. (singing) Red, orange, yellow, green, blue. Oh, and brown. Can't forget that. Just don't go to Brooklyn. No. No. No-o-o-o. Not there.
--4 Train
Overheard by: Sunny
Girl on phone: My friend said that's probably why I don't like Brooklyn--because I have the night of the living dead outside my window...
--Amsterdam & 112th
Upper East Side man: If you really want to rough it, go to Brooklyn.
--84th & 2nd
Little girl shouting: Everyone in this entire building is going to Brooklyn!
--Grand Central
Be Proud-- Smelling Worse Than the Subway Is an Accomplishment
Girl #1: Um, do I smell bad? Nobody has sat next to me in a while and this train has been overcrowded for the past ten blocks.
Girl #2: Yeah... you kind of do, actually.
--Q Train
Before I Was Promoted to Crack Fiend
Hobo #1: You know Allen? Allen is a crackhead!
Hobo #2: You know... I used to be a crackhead.
--28th St & 8th Ave
Gary Begins to Come Out Of His Shell
30-something gay student, in mothering tone: Can you say "turtle"?
20-something shy gay guy, softly: Turtle. I knew how to say that.
--Outside Boots and Saddle, Greenwich Village
Overheard by: ears kimmie
Have a Cough Drop, Then
Excited mother to son, watching Egypt exhibit: Oh, look, honey, those are esophaguses!
Embarrassed father, whispering: Sarcophaguses.
--The Met
Overheard by: KeaKea
Yeah, It Is Pretty Sick(le).
College girl #1: You know, I'm so leftist. Like, almost at communist level.
College girl #2: Well, their flag *is* pretty sweet.
--NBC Store
Overheard by: Amanda
I Don't Think We're Quite at That Place in Our Relationship Yet
Girl #1, at school cafeteria: What is that?
Girl #2: Polenta.
Girl #1: I've never had it. Can I have a bite of your placenta?
--Bedford-Stuy
...What an Actor!
Kid on bike: Hey dad--that Gap ad. Is that Viggo Mortensen?
Dad on bike, looking: Him? Noooo! (pause) Viggo Mortensen's black.
Kid on bike: He is? Oh. (pause) In Lord of the Rings he wasn't...
--28th St & Park Ave
Where Else Can You Get Labia Jewelry on the Street?
Man selling glasses on the street: Would you like a piercing today?
Woman on phone: Hang on... What?
Man selling glasses: Would you like to get a piercing today?
Woman: Would I like a...? No, I would not like to get a piercing today. (back into phone) I love New York.
--St. Mark's St
Overheard by: Logan
...In Omaha.
Hobo to tourist lady: Can you spare a dollar? Some change?
Tourist lady: Sorry, not today.
Hobo, mumbling as he walks away: Okay, see ya tomorrow.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Rebecca
No Seriously, Lady, That Hurts.
Teen girl to sailor in uniform: Can you do me a huge favor and let me kiss you?
Sailor: Man, you're really twisting my arm huh?
--Top of Empire State Building
Every Administration Needs One
20-something blonde #1: So what do they have you doing there all day?
20-something blonde #2: Well, let's just say I could probably be a professional "white-outer".
--LIRR
Overheard by: Nauseous
Your Editors Got 197,000,000 Hits
White guy: Honestly, this sounds crazy, but I've never been able to find actual porn on the internet.
Asian girl, indignant: Dude. You just google "porn."
--Bleecker St
In That Case It's Delicious
Guy #1: Can I have some of your alcohol?
Guy #2: Sure.
Guy #1: That's the worst Long Island Iced Tea I've ever had.
Guy #2: It's a Rum & Coke.
Guy #1: Ohhh, that's why.
--Sunnyside, Queens
Overheard by: Daniel
Two Girls, One Gap
Woman to friends: Girl, you know how to do some rollers?
Friend: Damn, honey, I don't know how to do none of that shit. I could braid, I could perm, but that's it. You know that bitch Julia, she Mexican. She could do it. She know how to multitask.
Conductor: Please watch the gap as you exit the train, ladies and gentlemen.
Friend: Damn! That's a big ass gap, my ass almost fell over!
--Shuttle to Times Square
Beacause Stupid Is Truly Colour Blind
MoMA desk rep: Today is free. Take your tickets.
MoMA guest: Are the tickets free? How much?
MoMA desk rep: No. For you, twice as much.
MoMA guest: Why? Cause I'm black?
--MoMA
Overheard by: Oh Kelly...
Headline by: The Limey
Runners-Up:
· "I Think a Child Was Left Behind" - samson
· "No, Because You're Stupid... But Those Might Be Related" - john grisham
· "No, Cuz You Aint Learnt Your Zero Times Tables" - no math wiz but
· "The NYC Stupidity Tax Still Catches People by Surprise" - Ron D.
· "Yes, You've Heard Of Ladies Night? This Is White Day" - Leary Blaine
· "You're Black Yet You Don't Understand the Concept Of a Free Government Handout?" - BenGay
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Doesn't Look Good for the Public Healthcare Option
20-something-guy: Obama condoms, for long and hard times!
Tourist mom: What's an Obama condom?
Tourist dad: I have no idea.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Shannon
We Should Get Together Less Often
Girl #1: Hi!
Girl #2: I'm sorry I couldn't make your party. I was at Jiddy's birthday in Bryant Park.
Girl #1: It's okay.
Girl #2: How are you?
Girl #1: I've had a hell of a week. My dog's in the hospital.
Girl #2: Which one?
Girl #1: The one that's alive.
--L Train
Unless You Want to Be Burped
Attitude girl #1 to pregnant woman walking by: Uh! Excuse me!
Attitude girl #2: Girl, don't ever mess with a pregnant lady.
--F Train
Overheard by: Teresa
Wasn't That a Cherry Poppin' Daddies Song?
Bodega guy to old Dominican guy: What's up, sister?
Old Dominican guy: I got your sister swinging!
--Throop & Vernon
Overheard by: johnny
At Least They Agree About a Silly Outfit
Proud Asian father to friend: And my little one here, he's going to be a football player when he grows up!
Little Asian boy: No way, Jose! I'm gonna be a Power Ranger!
--East Flatbush, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Frado
All Those Brooklyn Jews Need to Get Their Christmas Eve Chinese Food Somewhere
Virgina redneck: I love the Chinese, very nice people! You guys from Chinatown?
Chinese woman: No, we're from Brooklyn.
--R Train
And Then Make Ms. Palin Pay for the Rape Kit
Shrill girl: Gawd! I wish someone would just rape her.
Gay guy: Yeah. Twice.
--14th & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Nbaker
Starbucks Blended Drinks Finally Jump the Shark.
Teen guy: It smells like diarrhea.
Teen girl: Yeah, after someone fucked it.
Teen guy: It smells all sugary and sweet.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Jennie
...Waving Our Wieners at People Who Can't Afford Them
Old man to grizzled man working hot dog cart: Hey, how much can you give me a hot dog for? (vendor raises eyebrows) I'm broke!
Hot dog vendor: Papi, we all are, that's why we're out here working!
--Kingsbridge & Fordham
It Wasn't
Girl #1: So what movie do you want to see?
Girl #2: I definitely wanna see a cahhmedy, I don't want to see no freakin GI Joe or nuttin scary.
Girl #1: What about the orphan?
Girl #2: Yeeeeaaah, that be good.
--SoHo
Overheard by: Forever 21 shopper
I'm Going Girlier This Season
Tween girl #1: So yeah, then we played chicken at the skate park.
Tween girl #2: That sounds really painful.
Tween girl #1: You know, it really was!
--Central Park Zoo
Overheard by: Wincingprep
Getting Shot at Did It to Me
Woman to army guy: I believe in the benefit of the doubt.
Army guy: I believe in doubting the benefit.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: jennifer tobias
And This Isn't Vegas.
Guy to friend: Why's everything so dark?
Friend: Because it's night time.
--51st St & Lexington
The Story Of Felix Calderon's Life
Recorded voice on loudspeaker: The train on platform 2 is now departing.
Man, running down stairs, in sing-song voice: I'm co-ming!
--LIRR Platform
Overheard by: Tigertail
If Friends Had Been Real Life
Bro #1: What I'm saying is that you're the asshole. You tagged him as herpes whore, and the joke was about him getting it from you.
Hoe #1: That is bullshit, I've never had a cold sore in my life!
Bro #2: Well, you might soon, because I do have herpes.
--Fordham University
...And This "I'm a Big Jew!" Sweatshirt Probably Doesn't Help Matters
Jogging girl #1: I think I need to be less Jewey.
Jogging girl #2: Yeah, I guess you could do that.
Jogging girl #1: How though? Get a haircut?
Jogging girl #2: I guess...
--Riverside Park
Everyone's Life Is Full Of Similar Ironies, Trevor
Thug #1 to old man asking for directions: Ask my man here, he the boy from Queens.
Thug #2: That ain't my fault, nigga! That's just where my momma happened to have me!
--A Train
Overheard by: Jesse
And Flip-Flops in New York-- Explain.
Woman standing in the rain, yelling at boyfriend: No! I'm not walking there! This water is dirty!
Another woman, passing by: Of course it's dirty, it's on the street. Are you fucking kidding?
--86th St & Madison Ave
Overheard by: she's not.
...Why Does This Fit?
Mother: Here you go, honey. (hands clothing to daughter in dressing room)
Daughter: A 14? Mom, I'm a size 10! I know you think I'm morbidly obese, but...
--Bay Terrace, Queens
Overheard by: tinabee
Microsoft: Shhhhh!
Attendee at Microsoft event: So what's a Zune?
Zune rep: It's a music and media player that...
Attendee: So, it's an iPod?
--Cooper Union
Overheard by: Peter Pentacostle
It Was All, "My Legs! My Legs!"
Girl: I once caught a frog and it screamed.
Group of friends: Wow!
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Overheard by: Mike Waller
When Life Gives Them to You?
Friend #1: Wow, whatcha got in the bag?
Friend #2: Oh, these are lemon cucumbers.
Friend #1: Cool, what do you do with them?
Friend #2: I eat them!
--E 82nd & York
Overheard by: Janny
So It Wasn't Suicide?
Drunk girl, seeing tree fallen on car after rainstorm: Officer, it was the wind!
Police officer: Good detective work.
Passerby: Case solved.
--3rd St & Ave A
The Lead-in to the Remix Of "Uptown Girl"
Thug: Daaaaaamn! Look at all them lining up for that train over to Hoboken! I'm glad we ain't got a line to go to Jersey City.
Thugette: Yeah, we the opposite of that gentry-fact-tation stuff they got goin' on over there.
(blank stares from a few suits)
Thug: Yeah! She knows what that means.
--PATH
Overheard by: Moving Out to Gentry-fact-tate Fort Greene
We Just Print 'Em, People.
Black woman, looking at costumes: For Halloween I'm gonna be a slave.
Black man: For real?
Black woman: Will you be my master?
--3rd Ave & 25th St
Overheard by: Ivonna
That's Better
Little boy: Open the door for me.
Mom: "Please."
Little boy: Open the door for me, please. You don't say please to me, mommy!
Mom: Hurry the hell up, please.
--Brooklyn
Hamas: Finally, Someone Gets It
12-year-old boy #1: Why do they call them African Americans?
12-year-old boy #2: Because they're from Africa, but they live in America.
12-year-old boy #1: But they don't call me a Macedonian American! They don't call you a... What are you again?
12-year-old boy #2: I'm Israeli.
12-year-old boy #1: Yeah, well, that doesn't count. "Israeli" is not a country.
--M79 Bus
Seal: "Um, I'm Standing Right Here."
Suit #1: So you liked him?
Suit #2: Yeah, he was a nice guy.
Suit #1: He has melanoma all over his face, though.
Suit #2: Yeah, I noticed that.
--1 Train
Fine by Us.
Tourist woman #1: These people are all moving so fast...
Tourist woman #2: That's because they're in a rush. Don't ask them for directions.
--49th & 7th
Overheard by: Jon A.
I'd Prefer a Four-Letter Response
Teenage girl, loudly: Emily! There you are! You are so not where you said you were!
Woman standing directly next to her: Shhhhh!
Teenage girl, deadpan: Oh, go back to the suburbs.
(long pause)
Woman: Get a life?
--Columbus Circle
Oh My!
Kid: What's a safari?
Young mom: It's a trip you can take in Africa where you can see animals like lions and tigers, and... bears.
--Central Park Zoo
Overheard by: kinicke
STOP SUBMITTING THESE!!!!
Boy at Chinese restaurant, looking at food: Is that a crab?
Girl at other table: That's what she said!
--Canal Street, Chinatown
Overheard by: eric
When Diabetics Contemplate Suicide
Shop attendant: Do you need help?
Customer: Oh... In many, many ways...
--Candy Store, SoHo
Overheard by: rutger
Any Animal That Knows How to Use a Mud Mask Has to Have a Brain
NYU girl #1: I'm totally a vegetarian, and I thought Lucy was, until she told me that she had bacon the other day!
NYU girl #2: Oh my god! That's so terrible, that poor pig. Though I think it's okay to eat chicken. I don't really consider chicken an animal. They're too stupid to be an animal. But bacon, that's totally bitchy.
--NYU
Overheard by: Meatarian
Where's Wednesday One-Liner's Busy Bee? It Needs Its Busy Bee!!
Crazy older guy to lady in park with barking dog: Lady, you keep that dog quiet! That dog is better-looking than you are.
--W 63rd & West End
Overheard by: Beez and Newb
Guy in red shirt: You make me feel so pedophilic when I tell you about violating my dog.
--Central Park
Man on cell: You're always saying your dog is sick! "My dog has diarrhea! I can't come out!"
--Fulton & Broadway
Overheard by: would you rather she have it?
Black kid to white couple walking poodle: I've only seen dogs like that in movies.
--Harlem
Overheard by: Poodle Lady
Girl on cell: So I'm getting off the a and I see this tall girl and I know her! So I'm like "Sarah?" and she's like "I haven't seen you since middle school!" and she cut all her hair off and she's like "When did you dye your hair black?" and my hair's soooo not black! But I saw Sarah! You know, the one whose cat tried to eat my toes off that one time! So we talked and then there was this lady who was totally tossing chow all over the place! Hello! Trash can right there---hold up, I gotta go, I see a Weiner dog!
--72nd St & Central Park West
You Look Great! Have You Been Wednesday-One-Linering?
Old obese Italian guy sharing pizza and a pitcher of beer with old obese Italian friend: Yeah, so I walk 3-4 miles 5 times a week, and I eat a lot of salad.
--Carmine St.
Fat running lady to friend, watching middle school track team go by: Haha, look at dem running girls. I can run like that too!
--by the Hudson River
Morbidly obese woman walking track to group of friends: Look at all these people runnin da track all fast and shit. (panting) Look at dem with their skinny asses running past us like they're better and shit. Fagmuffins!
--Forest Park Track, Queens
Overheard by: D. Scibe
Girl on cell phone: I mean, usually in order to get a full workout it takes me like an hour to sweat. I never sweat, never. It's always so hard for me to get a workout. (pause) Yeah, seriously, I mean, I've gotta stretch first, work myself up, I mean... Really, it takes a long time til I feel like I've gotten a good workout usually. But this time it was just one... (pause) awesome, huge, unbelievable cock! (pause) Oh, shit, I forgot I'm in public!
--15th & 7th
Cop to guy in handcuffs: I swear to god I won't arrest you if you do 10 push-ups right now. Swear to god.
--28th & 2nd
Jennifer Wednesday-One-Liner Hewitt
Eight-year-old girl to eight-year-old friend: You see, I love him, but I can't make that kind of commitment right now.
--Carroll Gardens
Lone suit, shaking fists in air: Why do fools fall in love?!
--Wall Street
Overheard by: poisonivy
Woman to neighbor, shouting out of the window: She's an idiot! She knows the man's a fucking bullshit artist, and she's in love with him!
--Hoffman St & 187th
Inebriated, tattooed man on cell: You fuckin' love me?! You fuckin' know what? That's fuckin' unreal, you know why?! Because you fuckin' don't!
--Port Authority Bus Terminal
Overheard by: Cara
Sallow, skinny, melancholy tattooed dude: Looking for love in all the wrong places... That's why I was after her ass.
--Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Wednesday One-Liner, Dearest
Girl on cell: And you're leaving with a butthole the size of a pancake your mom cooked! (pause) You don't want that.
--33rd & 6th
Overheard by: Gaunt
Ghetto fabulous teen boy: So I said, "What? Did you say you wanna fuck my motha'? Well I'm gonna fuck yo brotha!"
--34th & 6th
Overheard by: Fiona
Woman outside store to a child speaking to her mother: What do you mean you don't like her? That's your mother, man!
--125th & Park Ave
Woman on phone: Hello? Yeah, how are you? (pause) So I didn't really deal with my mother's death because I wasn't sober then.
--Starbucks
Overheard by: Laura
Man: Speaking of mother's graves, I want my urn back.
--13th & Ave A
Overheard by: erkala
Wednesday Go-Down-On-Liners
Wholesome-looking man, walking with several families with kids and carrying a cross: Jesus Christ died for our sins today so that we can all give blowjobs whenever we want!
--Union Square
Girl with food: Do you think I'll get on the JumboTron if I deep throat this pickle?
--MSG: Rangers - Caps Playoff Game
40-something, during high school reunion: How dare you tell my husband I gave you a blowjob? I was a virgin in high school!
--Outside Jake's Dillemma
Women on cell: I told him, if he didn't start shampooing his pubes I would stop blowing him!
--14th St & 9th Ave
Middle-aged Romanian: I heard he gives better BJs than Santa Claus!
--Astoria
Overheard by: Crazy Romanians
Craptacular Wednesday One-Liners
Man on cell: My identity has totally shifted, and so have my bowel movements.
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: Mickey Smith
Girl to another: I took a shit in Starbucks... did you take a shit in Starbucks?
--Outside Starbucks
Woman to friend: There were no feces for (pause) two days.
--Canal and W Broadway
Overheard by: LizzieD
Girl in toilet stall, repeatedly: Someone pooped on the floor! This is so gross! Medieval freaks! And it's shaped like a dragon! Come here and look at it!
--New York Renaissance Fair
British woman to man she's walking with, as they look at a pigeon: Of course he doesn't have to sit down to poo, he's a bird!
--Washington Square South
Enraged crazy old lady feeding pigeons, to punk kid chasing pigeons: Eat the caca! Eat the caca!
--48th & 8th
Overheard by: ShaghouseGirls
Wednesday One-Liners, from the Redwood Forest to the Gulf Stream Waters
Very heavy ten-year-old boy, yelling excitedly: I heard they have bacon flavored popcorn in Florida! I love the south!
--Flushing, Queens
Hipster girl on cell: The entire state of Mississippi isn't a complete waste of space, even though it seems like it right now.
--Atlantic & Smith, Brooklyn Heights
Wino, grabbing can of beer: Here's 15 cents. I'll get the rest of it for you today. I promise! I'm from Georgia, I know how this shit works!
--Deli at 33rd & 7th
Overheard by: EthanK
Loud girl to friend: Maria? Maria's not dead, Maria's in Virginia?
--BxM10 Bus
Overheard by: bxgirl
Girl to boyfriend: I mean, when someone says they're throwing an "Iowa State Fair"-themed wedding, you don't think twice about going!
--30th Ave, Astoria