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November 2009 Archives
A Pantless, Anthropomorphized Pig: The Universal Language
Old, foreign Asian, looking through comic book collection: Want a Looney Tunes with Porky Pig on the cover!
Vendor, turning to stranger: Porky fucking Pig, man!
--Flea Market, 23rd St
...With a Variety Of Different Fruits and Vegetables.
Dude #1, looking at Yu-Gi-Oh! cards: Oh man, opening a new pack is pleasurable. Like having sex.
Dude #2: How do you know? You have sex?
Dude #1: Trust me, I know. I have sex.
--Anime Castle
Now If Only Katie Holmes Would Have That Experience
Girl #1: Dude, how amazing was Adam Lambert in concert last night?
Girl #2: Holy shit! There was a point in the show where I actually considered going on Zoloft because I have absolutely no shot with him, but then he gyrated again and threw me out of my heterosexual-girl-in-love-with-a-hot-flamboyant-gay-man funk.
--Whole Foods, Columbus Circle
And Definitely Not Enough Sex for You.
Mom, reading magazine: You heard of Twilight? Is it good?
Kid: Dunno. I don't think you'd like it. It's got kissing. And vampires.
--Barnes & Noble, Tribeca
Overheard by: Quack
No -- The Bong.
Girl #1: So I like, panicked, and I ate it.
Girl #2: You ate the weed?
--Park Slope
Overheard by: E
Esteban Has Pole Vaulted Into Our Hearts
Girl #1: Oh my god! It was so big I could feel it in my throat!
Girl #2: I know, I call it his third leg.
--JFK Airport
Only in the Star Trek Sense
Dude #1, while crossing Yankee stadium: Dude, are we in Staten Island yet?
Dude #2: Are you retarded?
--4 Train
All My Cowfriends Have It
Girl #1: It's called "foot and mouth disease," isn't that gross? I so don't want to get that!
Girl #2: Ewww! What is it?
Girl #1: I don't know, but it sounds disgusting!
--M Train
Overheard by: Dara
Luckily, They're the Only Two People Who Can Stand Each Other
20-something redhead to friend, while texting: Wait... Maryland is down, and New York is up, right? I mean map-wise.
Friend: What the fuck?
20-something redhead, no longer texting: I had so much fun tonight. Can we do this again... lately?
Friend: Uhhh, do you mean "soon"?
20-something redhead: Yeah. Soon, lately, you know what I mean.
--Windsor Court, Murray Hill
We Finished the Cashews. That's a Pen.
Woman #1: These almonds are great.
Woman #2: These are cashews. We finished all the almonds earlier.
Woman #1: These cashews are great.
--Grand Central
Would "Your Lips!!!" Be an Inappropriate Answer?
Customer: I'd like a footlong meatball sub on wheat.
Manager: What would you like on your balls, sir?
--Subway Restaurant
Overheard by: Mondoman
It's in a Bucket Labeled "KFC"
Georgia hick: We need to see if our animals are here.
Flight attendant: Um, how many do you have?
Georgia hick: One. A chicken.
--LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: Dave
Worst. Timecop Sequel. Ever.
Customer: My MetroCard isn't working.
Booth agent: Is it expired?
Customer: No, it's good until the end of the year.
Booth agent, looking at card: You're right, let me check it. (swipes card) Oh, you can't use it today because you already used it tomorrow.
Customer, looking confused: Oh-kaaay...
Booth agent: I will buzz you through today, but see your office administrator about this.
--86th & Lexington
For Instance, If She's a Relative.
20-something guy #1: You don't go to see a bitch without a condom.
20-something guy #2: Depending on how well I know her, yeah I do.
--Queens
Overheard by: Tara
Or Have an IQ Above 50
Girl: Wow, you are really tall!
Guy: Yeah, I know...
Girl: No, seriously, you're like as tall as that Ying Yang guy!
Guy: What? Who? Oh, you mean Yao Ming?
Girl, laughing: Oh yeah, whatever, I don't watch baseball.
--NYU
Who Says You Can't Win an Argument?
Girl #1: Stop pushing!
Girl #2: You stop pushing!
Girl #1: Stop pushing or I'm gonna punch your fat teeth into your fat face!
--F Train
Overheard by: goodstuff
What Runs Through Parents' Minds When They Picture Their Kids in the Big Apple
Drunk hobo: You guys are attractive. You got the hair thing going on and you have the sideburns working for you. (flexes biceps)
Teenage boys: Ummm... Thanks.
Drunk hobo: Guys... listen. Guys... birds of a feather fly together. Birds of a feather fly together. You don't see seagulls flying with pigeons or pigeons flying with seagulls. Birds of a feather fly together! You guys have any money?
(they give him some change, he walks away)
Sketchy man overlooking: Wow... that guy was crazy. Do you kids want some weed or some blow?
--Sitting Area, 48th & 8th
Overheard by: Brendan
Now That's Customer Service
Indian counter-person #1 to girl buying beer: Do you want a straw?
Girl: No, thanks.
Indian counter-person #2: I hear you get more fucked up if you drink it from a straw.
--Spring & Mott
Overheard by: Clannah
Everybody Says That, but They Never Return
Girl: I don't know why people think my relationship with my roommate is weird...
Friend: What do you mean?
Girl: Yeah, well, cuz people hate the fact we like spooning with each other.
Friend: I need more sugar in my coffee... be right back.
--Dunkin' Donuts
Where You're Given Sponges Instead Of Soap?
Bimbo #1 with yoga mat: Have you ever done the two-hour boot camp workout thing?
Bimbo #2 with yoga mat: No, but I hear it's as bad as being in a contraception camp.
--72nd & Columbus
But Would It Help If You Knew That "Cocaine" Was the Name Of a Hooker?
Old hobo sitting on sidewalk to grad student: Hey man! You want some cocaine?
Grad student: No, thanks man.
Old hobo: Alright, have a good night.
Grad student: You too.
--Chelsea
Overheard by: tee hee :)
Should We Set Them Up?
Construction worker #1: My boss, he's got a mustache like Hitler.
Construction worker #2: Mine's a Jew.
--Astoria
Wednesday One-Liners Are Simply Scrotacular
Tourist mom with mullet, trying to take a picture of cute five-year old boy: Stand by the testicles, honey. Stand by the balls!
--Wall Street Bull
Overheard by: oh tourists
Suit to street vendor: You spend the money and get blue balls...
--Astor Place
Overheard by: Colin
Guy on cell: Fucking shit! What the fuck? This fucking shit is fucking messed up! (pause) Whatever, mommy... just get me a large, it'll give me more room for my balls.
--97th St & Madison Ave
Big guy in chair on sidewalk to friend: So, I ate a pair of balls last night. Lamb balls. Hot and spicy.
--Heath St & 231st St
Overheard by: Km
Ghetto man to Dunkin' Donuts cashier: Yo, how much is da balls?
--W 148th & Broadway
You Can't Judge a Wednesday by Its One-Liner
College student: This is the best Barnes & Noble I've ever seen!
--Borders, Time Warner Center
Student: So, the author of the Tao Te Ching, Lao-low... Fuck it, we're calling him L-train.
--Eugene Lang College
Overheard by: Harker
Large woman with friends: Oh, girl, I got to tell you about this book I'm reading. It's off the hook! They're sending in this undercover agent, and I think it's his sister, but he's all getting ready to have sex with her!
--White Castle, 36th & 8th
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Woman on phone: I was in Union Square, so I stopped in Barnes & Noble. (pause) Nigga, I can read!
--Union Square
Little British boy: Oh my goodness, dad, look! They have books on dating. How to Date? is probably like, "Don't take her to McDonald's!"
--Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: Laura
Tattooed artsy guy, putting hand on artsy Asian girl's shoulder: I read your book and really liked it... lotta pissing, huh?
--Mott & Prince
Wednesday M1-Liners
Bored bus driver: This is Eldar Avenue. Next stop is Kissena boulevard, and for those of you wearing headphones: blah blah blabbity blah.
--Q44
Overheard by: Carolyn S
Animated BoltBus driver: If you're talking on your BlackBerry, your strawberry, or to Halle Berry... Well, in that case, let me know...
--BoltBus
Bus driver: Ladies and gentlemen, please continue moving to the rear end of the bus. The sooner you move, the sooner we move. Thank you for your cooperation. (long pause) Those who are cooperating... ladies and gentlemen, please step in. Watch the closing door. It's about to close riiiiight now.
--101 Bus, Harlem
Bus driver: Now the road may get a bit bumpy. Just keep in mind it's not my fault, it's not the bus's fault, it's the asphalt.
--Port Authority Bus Terminal
Bus driver: On your left you'll see men wearing orange vests, they are volunteers, they are helping their community. (long pause) They entered through the back of the bus or jumped over the turnstiles, and got fined. They couldn't pay the ticket, so the city lets them work it off, only for a day or two, so they don't have to pay the ticket. So don't enter through the back of the bus or jump the turnstiles.
--Q43
Bus driver: Please keep your voices low when using your cell phones. Last week a woman refused to heed that advice, so I stranded her at the first rest stop. That was my mother.
--BoltBus
Overheard by: MilitantLezbian
Wednesday One-Liners Paint with All the Colors Of the Wind
Young guy: If I see another blue penis it would be too soon!
--42nd St
Overheard by: alecko
Girl on cell: She just bought a merkin... It was pink, you know, to match her hair. (pause) Would you want to rub toxic dye down there?
--Williamsburg
Girl to another: Just because he is wearing a different colored shirt, he's still the same guy.
--Central Park
Flamboyant guy, shouting to girl in very short orange dress: I have that same orange dress in purple!
--South Street Seaport
Overheard by: Green Star
Mother to four-year-old wearing pink shirt and shoes: Not *everything* has to be pink, honey.
--Rite Aid, Carroll Gardens
Overheard by: Sunny
Wednesday One-Liners Didn't Mean It Like That
Mother to two-year old son: Zachary, I am not continuing this discussion with you all day long! If you don't like what's in your mouth, just spit it out!
--Dunkin' Donuts
Nerdy Jewish Barnard girl on cell: I can just imagine it in my mouth, the taste of it.
--116th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Sully
Young boy running with soaked t-shirt: I need to be squirted! Somebody has to squirt me!
--89th St
Father to young daughter: Want me to squirt it in your mouth?
--Astoria
Overheard by: Mark
Foxy Fox news producer to another: I know you wanted something hard, so I slipped you Shively!
--Starbucks
One-Liners All Have Wednesday DNA
Woman on cell: And then he threw the wig and car keys at him, and to me, that says family!
--West Village
Overheard by: Kate S
20-something on cell: Yeah, I Rickrolled my cousin's Bar Mitzvah last night. No, he didn't get it, the sheltered little Short Hills prick.
--MoMA
Overheard by: Trevor
Young guy in deli to friend: So getting support from my parents is like dealing with a record label. You have to create a buzz, make it seem like you're doing something, or they don't want to be involved with you.
--Frank's Deli
Drunk girl: That's my brother! But we're both only children.
--Pieces Bar, Christopher St
30-something man to 30-something woman: When are we ever going to find a time when both of our parents aren't home?
--7th & 1st
Do Wednesday One-Liners Amuse You? Do They Exist to Make You Laugh?
Professor: Fat people are often funny.
--Baruch College
Girl to friend: When she OD'ed on him, it was so funny!
--Riverdale
Overheard by: Caitlin
Ditzy-looking middle aged woman on cell: The funniest thing today with the kids! They slammed me to the door and one of them bit my arm and I drew blood! (pauses) Yeah, I know, I'm going back tomorrow!
--F Train
Girl: So, like my friend thought it would be funny to jump in a pool that didn't have water in it.
--8th St & Broadway
Brooklyn artist: After four or five organic vodka tonics, all the ironic hairstyles in the bar start to actually be funny.
--Williamsburg
Wednesday One-Liners Got Game
Burly guy in cafe: Mind mapping's not a game. It's a reality.
--Ave A & 11th St
Overheard by: Anna P.
Cop to another: Some people play checkers, some people play chess. You, son, you play checkers.
--New Street & Beaver
Black librarian with dreads: In the game, you gotta give the black girl all your stuff, all your valuable stuff. You give it to her to hold and then you take it from her. That's how you get the trophy.
--Bronx Library
Drunk guy in the cafe car: Listen! Just because I'm white doesn't mean I can't play dominoes!
--Acela Train
Overheard by: Someone who can't play dominoes
And Nobody's Shooting at You
Girl: I need a job with benefits.
Guy: McDonald's has benefits--free lunch, and you get to learn how to make French fries.
--Prospect Park
He's in the Running for This Year's Scariest Voicemail Award
Man on cell: I will fuck you up. I will fuck you up, man. Do you even know I will fuck you up? Don't fuck with me, man, I will fuck you beyond fucked up. You are so fucked up when I see you next. Fuckin' bitch, fuck up. I will fuck you for fucking me, you fucking bastard. Fuck this shit, you fucking cock bitch.
--N Train
The Day Mombolu Changed Professions
Talkative hobo, seeing woman holding papers about Africa: What's up in Africa? You don't look African.
Dignified woman: I used to work in Angola.
Talkative hobo: That's the best kind of job to have, where they pay to send you all over the world. Damn, I bet it costs $2000 to fly to Angola if you were paying for it out of your own pocket.
Dignified woman: Actually, it costs more than that. It's about $4000 to fly to Angola and back from here.
Talkative hobo: Holy shit! $4000 to fly to Angola and back? Do you know how much weed I could buy for $4000? I could sit my ass in the park all day and smoke myself to death! Damn!
--1 Train
It's Her Parents' Fault for Naming Her "Switzerland"
Little girl #1: Don't push me! You shouldn't push! It's rude!
Little girl #2: I did not push you!
Little girl #3: I'm the third party! I didn't do anything!
--Herald Square
Overheard by: The 4th party
Well Played, Little Man. Well Played.
Little boy: Where's my hat? I need my hat!
Mom: Where's some manners? You need some manners.
Little boy: Actually, they're in my hat.
--Brooklyn
Not As Much As Tom Cruise, Though.
Angry woman to frantically dancing little boy: Stop that! Stop it! Have you lost your damn mind?
Little boy, still dancing: Yeah... a little!
--6th Ave & 18th St
And by "Make" I Mean "Get at Taco Bell"
Girl on cell drinking frozen lemonade: No, mom. The frozen lemonade is not going to be my dinner. I'm going to go home and make myself something healthy. Love you! (hangs up)
Friend: Is that gonna be your dinner?
Girl: No! I'm gonna go home and make...
Friend: I love how honest you are with your parents.
Girl, interrupting: Some motherfuckin' nachos.
--86th & 5th
...And He's Great at Super Mario Bros.
Should-be-blonde girl: So this guy was 100% Italian.
Guy: You mean he was born there?
Should-be-blonde girl: No, but he's been there before.
--Luigi's Pizza Parlor
Not to Knight Rider's KITT
Little girl, as car alarm goes off when she passes by: What was that?
Older sister: Oh, don't worry, it was probably me.
Little girl: Psh! You're not that hot!
--26th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Lara
As Is Boston Itself
Hipster #1: Oh look, a Boston Terrier!
Hipster #2: Boston Terriers are so last year...
--Bedford, Williamsburg
To Be Fair, What NYC Grade Schooler Needs to Know Accurate Barnyard Noises?
Latino grade school girl #1: Yeah man, and then they act like they don't know when we be hating, cause they gotta act like that, and then they say we be racist and we ain't racist, you're just a dumb white bitch.
Latino grade school girl #2: Yeah, and then they say we racist.
Latino grade school girl #1: She just don't wanna say nothing to me die-reckt-ly cause she knows she'll get hurt.
Latino grade school girl #2: Say it to my face!
Latino grade school girl #1: Yeah, that's what I say, say it to my face! She just chicken.
Latino grade school girl #2: Yeah, she just chicken.
Latino grade school girl #1: Ha ha! Chicken head!
Latino grade school girl #2: Haha, yeaaaaaah girl, chicken head! Quack quack!
--Old Navy Dressing Room, 6th Ave
Overheard by: NoChildLeftBehindDoesntWork
Every Episode Of The Simple Life, in a Nutshell
Rich high-school girl #1: We should totally do this more often, like go to Philadelphia for the day.
Rich high-school girl #2: Totally! Where is Philadelphia, anyway? Is it next to Pennsylvania?
Rich high-school girl #1: Yeah, I think so...
Rich high-school girl #2: So then, where's Alabama?
--Megabus
Overheard by: appalled
Doesn't Take Long to Say Everything That Needs Saying
Bro #1: It's a nice night out tonight.
Bro #2: Yeah.
Bro #1: I'm sorry your fiance died.
Bro #2: Thanks, dude.
--Bowery
Overheard by: Little Mac Monster Attack
I Smoke Too Much Kraków
Girl #1: My friends all say I should hook up with him because then I can say that I hooked up with someone from Poland.
Girl #2: You mean Portland?
Girl #1: Oh, right, I always get those two mixed up!
--46th & 7th
So It's Not All About Getting Tail?
Dressing room attendant #1: So, you gonna sleep with him?
Dressing room attendant #2: Naw, I ain't gonna sleep with him! I ain't that easy, I ain't no fish!
--The Gap
Overheard by: Sunny
Can Civil Engineering Correct This Lack Of Civility? Discuss.
(nurse with elderly lady on wheelchair comes against Asian American pregnant woman with baby in stroller)
Nurse: Oh my, I'm sorry! (pulls back to let woman and child pass)
Asian American pregnant woman: Oh, I'm sorry, I can...
Senile old lady: Get out of the way, chink!
(infant cries)
Asian American pregnant woman: Excuse me?
Nurse: Oh my god! I'm so sorry.
Senile old lady: Don't apologize!
(nurse backs up and lets mother and child through)
--Washington Square Village
Overheard by: zgoldberg
A Crime Against Humanity.
Mom: So Good Luck Chuck kind of sucked, huh?
Teenage daughter: Well, what did they expect? It's Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, for crying out loud! That's bad luck!
--Tomoe Sushi
Overheard by: Sromeo
Given Your G-Rated Childhood
4-year-old boy to father waiting in line to buy ice cream cone: I used to like chocolate, but not so much anymore. (pauses to consider) Now I think it's disgusting.
Father, shocked: That's pretty strong language!
--Bittersweet Cafe, DeKalb Ave
Overheard by: Hilariter
Men's Conversation Only Fills the Empty Hours Until the Next Blowjob
Girl to loser boyfriend: You wonder why we have all these problems? It's like, no matter what I say, everything goes in one ear and out the other with you.
Loser boyfriend: Nah babe, I listen to everything you say.
Girl: No, you don't--it's like I'm speaking another language...
Loser boyfriend: What do you mean "another language"?
Girl, getting upset: Nothing fuckin registers in that head of yours. We have all this shit to deal with because you don't know what the fuck I say. You say you listen but you just don't register nothing. Like I'm speaking another language or some shit!
Loser boyfriend, looking at another girl: So... what are you sayin'?
--South Ferry
Maybe God Will Heal You?
Bible flier girl: Would you like a pamphlet to read about the good news of god?
Blind guy with walking stick: It's in Braille?
Bible flier girl: Oh, umm, no it's not.
Blind guy: You've got to be kidding.
--32nd & 7th
Overheard by: The WC
Not As Much As Tom Cruise, Though.
Angry woman to frantically dancing little boy: Stop that! Stop it! Have you lost your damn mind?
Little boy, still dancing: Yeah... a little!
--6th Ave & 18th St
Or, Wait-- Isn't That a Sex Thing??
Hippie: Jung would say I have a very low sensate rating.
Meathead: What? So you're retarded?
--Greenpoint, Brooklyn
...In the Shape Of Three 6's.
Creepy drunk guy: I'm going to go to the bathroom and then I'm going to come back and hit on you some more.
Girl to friend: I fucking hope not, I think that guy has an open wound on his arm.
--W 12th
I Spit on Your G-Rated Performance!
Street performers to people leaving: Hey, we didn't leave when you got here!
Random passerby: I threatened them with sex!
--Washington Square
Overheard by: RAR!
The Same Reason I Love Snow and Urine
Southern hipster #1: Man, I don't loooove ice cream...
Southern hipster #2: You must, you been talkin' about it all day.
Southern hipster #1: Yeah, like ice cream cake that you can write dirty words on!
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Giri
...To Fuck the Statuary!
Crazy old hobo, holding up bags and drawing: Where's the moon? Where's the moon? If the earth is in Columbus Circle, then the moon would be on 64th and Central Park West! Come see my exhibition!
Hipster teen surrounded by giggling friends: Is your exhibition inside those bags?
Crazy old hobo: No, those are Michelle Obama's dresses. You want to be smart with me? Why don't you be smart and become an exhibitionist?
Hipster teen surrounded by giggling friends: Do you know what "exhibitionist" means?
Crazy old hobo: Of course! It's someone who goes to museums every day!
--1 Train
But I'm Guessing It's Like When Tyra Calls the Prospective Models "Ugly-Beautiful"
Girl sitting with friends listening to music: Ohmigod, the guy who sings this song is sooooooo ugly!
Friend: Really?
Girl: My family said I look like him.
--Central Park
Portrait Of the Repeat Offender As a Young Man
Father to little boy: If you keep misbehaving, the police are gonna take you to jail.
Little boy: (giant grin)
--110th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
If Wiki Confirms It, It Must Be True.
Philly girl #1, pointing to picture: Hey! My dad once punched that guy in the face!
Philly girl #2: Benjamin Netanyahu?
Philly girl #1: Yeah.
Philly girl #2: Wait... isn't he from Israel?
Philly girl #1: Nope. He went to Cheltenham high school, same as my dad.
Philly girl #2: What happened?
Philly girl #1: My dad said, "if you poke me one more time, I'm gonna punch you in the face."
Philly girl #2: (silence)
Philly girl #1: He poked him.
--M60 Bus
I'd Eat Human Babies If They'd Make My Thighs Look Smaller
Little boy: The Russians eat brains?
Mom, looking at cookbook: This is a French cookbook.
Little boy: The french eat brains?!
Mom: Not human brains. Animals'.
Little boy: That's disgusting!
Mom: Yes, it's very high in cholesterol.
--Barnes & Noble, 86th & Lexington
...But I Guess I'll Take Some Of That Purple Stuff.
Girl #1: No, you cannot have my Sunny D.
Girl #2: Just dropkick me in the fucking heart.
--University Dorm
You Know You're Drunk When the Evening Ends in a Bookstore
Obviously inebriated brunette: So... I'm pretty sure I'm going to die tonight.
Obviously inebriated blonde: Well, if we do, I think I should put up a Facebook status so everyone knows.
Obviously inebriated brunette: I'm pretty sure the tox screen will show it.
(ten seconds later)
Obviously inebriated brunette: Kill me. Oh, wait, no need. I'll be dead in three hours.
Obviously inebriated blonde: Just don't go dying in my bed... that's creepy.
(five seconds later)
Obviously inebriated brunette: Um... did you just burp?
Obviously inebriated blonde: Yeah. Why?
Obviously inebriated brunette: Because it just went up my nose.
Obviously inebriated blonde: Now... that's legendary.
--Barnes & Noble, Midtown
Overheard by: NYLove
Your Pelvic Motions Strike Me As Vaguely Familiar
Gay guy at party to strange girl dressed like angel: Do I know you?
Angel girl: I don't think so... (dances sexually around him) Are you my brother?
--Bond St
Overheard by: Flipper
...Except That It's a Mailbox.
Drunk girl, seeing dog: Oh my god! That is the cutest cat I've ever seen!
Drunk friends, nodding: Yes!
--Bleecker St
Overheard by: Alyssa
When Boys Learn About Girls on the Internet
Horny boy #1: Dude, when a girl asks for an ass massage she's totally asking for sex!
Horny boy #2: I know, man! I'd be pissed, too.
--Bleecker St
Thighs...Chafing...Can't Go on
British girl #1, standing and holding out hand for friend: Sorry, this city makes my hands dirty.
British girl #2: This city makes my whole body dirty.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Brian
Ten Bucks Says This Is Their Foreplay
Girl: Shopping with you is like shopping with an old man.
Guy: Shopping with you is like shopping with a bitch.
--Modern Foods, The Bronx
Blame New York
Hot law student: But then she was like, "but he's gay?"
Less pretty friend: No way!
Hot law student: I know, so I just laughed and said my boyfriend's defo not gay.
Man on next table: I don't mean to be rude, but if you're always like this I can see why he would be, I'm thinking of interior decorating as we speak.
Hot law student, whispering to friend: Obviously a closet.
--Tavern on the Green, Central Park
For Perfectly Good American Reasons
Man about to cross street to cabbie wearing turban: You terrorist! Get out of my country!
Cabbie, yelling: I'll fucking kill you!
--University Place & 14th St
Overheard by: Heather
NewsFlash: Crackhead Slain on 2 Train! Film at Eleven.
Crackhead to white girl: I want a little white girl. Okay, a little white lily, she so mad, I want a little white girl, not a black girl, they broke my heart too many times. You think I'm harassing you because you're white and I'm black.
Girl on train: I'm not white, okay? I'm not white, stop looking at me. I don't look remotely white, or Caucasian.
Crackhead: I'm not into fat girls, so I'll look somewhere else. I'm not into fat jokes, just black jokes. You probably think I'm into white guys, not white girls, just call me gay. Are you trying to slip away?
Girl on train: Did he just call me fat?
--Downtown 2 Train
It's Bad Enough I Already Think About Aunt Phyllis
Clearly drunk college student: Dude, I need advice. If you meet this really hot girl that happens to have the same name as your mother, do you still do her?
Bouncer: Hell yeah. Why not? She's hot, right?
Clearly drunk college student: Ugh, I don't know. I don't want to think of my mom the whole time. I can't do it.
--Walker & Church
So She'll Have to Rely Upon the Affections Of Rich Men
Middle aged woman #1: Yeah, so my older daughter is really good with directions. She'll be fine getting around New York.
Middle aged woman #2: Oh, that's good.
Middle aged woman #1: Yeah, but my youngest... she's just... blonde.
--El Quijote Restaurant
Overheard by: Rachel
I Figure I'll Just Point Randomly at the Course Guide Later While Drunk
New Columbia student #1: So what are you majoring in?
New Columbia student #2: Um, like, math I guess.
--Downtown 1 Train
Overheard by: DH
My Prose, for Instance.
Chef, checking to make sure everyone has washed their hands: Are you sterile?
Older man: In more ways than one.
--Rustico Cooking Studio
Overheard by: Lobster
Some People Get Way Too Invested in The Real World
Older woman: She's still a butthead for moving out so soon.
Girl: Grandma, she had a baby!
Older woman: I don't care.
--Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: JEI
You'd Think People Of Mediterranean Descent Would All Get Along Swimmingly
Guido: Excuse me, miss? Miss? Have I seen you in my church?
20-something girl: No.
Guido: No, no, I definitely saw you in my church. We go to the same one.
20-something girl, sighing: Sir... If I went to any house of worship, it'd be a synagogue. And I stay as far away from those as possible. Have a nice day now.
Guido: Aaaaawww, I liiike you!
--82nd & Broadway
With Tear-Stained Cheeks, I Wander the Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland
Park ranger: Boat to New Jersey to the left, New York to the right.
Guy heading to boats: Why would we ever want to go to New Jersey?
Park ranger: Good question.
K-9 cop: I guess you won't be visiting me... I'm living in exile over there.
--Liberty Island
Overheard by: ZANSR
Is It Our Anniversary Already?
Guy: I'll give you what I normally give you.
Girl #1: A toothbrush?
Girl #2: A penis in your face.
--113th & Amsterdam
Wednesday One-Liners Get Some Pussy
Hipster chick with "valley girl" accent: Ya, like, ohmigod, ewwwwww... So I was reading Cosmo, and like, there was this story, about like, guys' confessions, you know? And like, this random guy actually said, like, "Sometimes, I rub my dick on my cat's fur, and it feels good."
--Washington Square Park
10-year-old girl to another: I bet his idea of a hot girl is the crazy cat lady across the street.
--34th St, Astoria
Overheard by: Samantha
Woman to another: I have a friend in Belgium now--we both have cats!
--One World Financial Center
Overheard by: macgeekgrl
Brunette on phone: Do you want to play with your cat or do you want to play with me?
--60th St b/w Park & Madison
Overheard by: Adam B.
20-something on cell: And when I woke up, I had no idea where I was. Then I realized I was spooning his cat.
--Houston & Broadway
Overheard by: J Cox
Wednesday One-Liners Remember elimiDATE Fondly
Man on cell: Yeah man, she is so not anyone that I would be willing to invest years in... I mean I don't want to have to spend my time actually working on it. I figured, hell, I kind of want to wake up next to someone a couple of days a week, so I might as well hang on through the summer. No, she has no idea...
--Columbus & 62nd St
Grad student: They have this symbiotic relationship in which he does all the eating and she does all the drinking.
--Columbia University
Woman to herself: God, I asked you for a good man; not a fucking joke!
--Spring & Hudson
Overheard by: Oscar Gamble
Firefighter to others: It's not that I have anything against commitment; I just like diversity.
--125th St Fairway
Overheard by: Just Shoppint
Man in shorts to another: I wouldn't date a girl with double vision, period.
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Dr No-Eyes
Businesswoman to hobo: If you get back in the dating scene, I'll kill you.
--Houston & Lafayette
Overheard by: Homeless guy must be hung
Wednesday One-Liners, for Purely Medicinal Purposes
Guy wearing a promotional cardboard to another: I think I'm going to treat myself to health insurance next month.
--Broadway & 43rd St
Overheard by: Maria
Woman on phone: My urologist wanted to stick a microscope up my urethra! (pause) No! (pause) Because it's going to hurt!
--Vandam St & 6th Ave
20-something woman on cell: Yeah, the doctor told me not to exfoliate my labia.
--R Train
Overheard by: Note to self....
Bartender: I gotta get sexy for my doctor tomorrow. I'm gonna be like, "doctor, I need you to examine me. I need you to remove my garments." Nah... I'm just playin'. My doctor's cute, though. For real. I'm just gonna show some cleavage or somethin'.
--Jamaica, Queens
Woman on phone: She wants to be a doctor. She likes it when the guts fall out. (pause) No, she wouldn't do that. She's too lazy to be a serial killer.
--Fox Newsroom, 6th & 48th
Overheard by: Newsbunny
Wheresday One-Liners
NYU guy to tourist friends: Well, here's Grand Central!
--Broadway & Waverly
Guy on Sidekick to another: I wasn't sure if he was talking about Buffalo or Baltimore! I mean, I don't even know where Buffalo is! Is it a state?
--1 Train
Overheard by: amalthya
Ditzy girl sobbing on cell: You don't understand! They told me I was supposed to go to Penn Station but I just don't know where that is!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: queenofscots
Guy on cell: I don't get it--why go all the way to Ireland if you're not going to go see Stonehenge?
--Costco, Brooklyn
Girlfriend to boyfriend: Is this Times Square?
--85th & 1st
Overheard by: Special K
"What What (In the Wednesday One-Liner)"
Girl to teenage posse: Either the pen was really weak or his butt was really strong.
--Jackson Heights, Queens
Overheard by: Newsbunny doesn't want to know
Crazy guy to self, after average woman walks by: Damn, that was a fine ass, a fine ass, that ass was so fine I'd eat a sandwich out that ass!
--36th & Broadway
Overheard by: Dingleberry
Large grown woman to grown man: I thought you have all sorts of butt magazines...
--34th & 8th
Guy to girl: I like it when you wear jeans, girl! It's like your ass is gift wrapped!
--33rd & 7th
Older woman to younger woman: If your booty deserves the credit, give it the credit!
--Central Park
Overheard by: Hell Yeah Give it the Credit!
Wednesday One-Liners, Hosted by Rackspace
Woman on cell: He was here for ten days and he only touched my boobs twice!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: and my girlfriend would be upset if it were 10 minutes
Old thug passing three fat chicks on their way to a club: Explosion of titties!
--Myrtle Ave, Brooklyn
Hipster barista guy: A boob is just a moisturized bag of skin, seriously!
--Think Coffee
Overheard by: its to early for this conversation
Full-on punk guy: Dude! Shit is so good! I just want someone to squirt tahini all over my tits!
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Dahlia
Girl on phone: Wait! What? No! Well, I do shit a lot. But I don't want to shit my boobs away!
--Times Square
Wine and Wednesday One-Liners
Female college student on cell: Sorry, there was an incident. She was eating string cheese, and I told her she looked like a walrus. So she tried to smack me in the face but she couldn't, and I ran into the bathroom. So she tried to hit me with the string cheese, but I was like your string cheese will get all fuzzy. So she smacked me in the face with the cheese.
--Penn Station
Girl on phone: And then I stuck a string cheese in the microwave. Yeah, in the wrapper.
--57th & 7th
Sexy guy, looking at orchestra program description of movement "con brio": Does that mean "with cheese"?
--Camerata Notturna Concert, W. 57th St
Overheard by: Ladle
Older European woman to another: She's fine with the reference to cheese. I mean, she can eat cheese, just not the real kind.
--Union Square
Hipster: So she writes everything down in her cheese diary...
--Bedford & 4th
Wednesday One-Liner Is Performance
20-something woman on cell: So I'm like, "Be a man and go in the ladies' room!"
--19th & 7th
Overheard by: tycho anomaly
40-something suit on cell: Why do I have to be the girl?
--University Place & 14th St
Overheard by: rich
Meathead: To the point where the hottest women in Thailand are men. But I mean, no homo or anything.
--Uptown 5 Train
Overheard by: Can't vouch for this
Woman on cell: So yeah, men and women are different. Anyway...
--High Line Park
Overheard by: hudson williams-eynon
Guy, looking at friend's iPhone: Ugh, I really didn't need to see shemale penis today.
--99 Below Restaurant
Overheard by: Calvin SC
Which Goes Well with My Skin
Girl wearing leggings as pants: I love your watch... does it flip open?
(frail elderly woman looks confused)
Girl: That, your watch.
Frail elderly woman: This is my life alert. If I fall, I can call for help.
Girl: Oh! Uh... well, it goes really well with your outfit.
Frail elderly woman: It doesn't come it any other colors. Just beige.
--Houston & Bowery
Overheard by: misskitty
Um, That's a Vase.
Gay man #1, pointing at Greek statue: What's that?
Gay man #2: I don't know, but it's got a great ass!
--Met Museum
Overheard by: Peed my pants
She's Really Annoying to Watch Oprah with
Young black girl #1: Why ain't you under the umbrella? You black.
Young black girl #2: I don't give a fuck if my hair gets messed up.
Young black girl #1: You black! You so black!
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: rpk
And It's Gonna Be Wih Another Girl!
Little girl #1 to family: I'm going to be 30 when I have my first baby!
Mom: You know, you can have one earlier.
Little girl #2: I'm going to be 29!
--Tea & Sympathy
Overheard by: Not Preggers
Did You Just Say Something Was More Tranny Than a Jumpsuit?
Gay guy #1: Girl! Why are you wearing that coat? It's hot outside!
Gay guy #2, in huge black faux fur coat: It's to cover up the jumpsuit!
Gay guy #1: I think the coat makes you look more tranny than the jumpsuit.
--L Train
Kevin Decides to Get a Fitness Program and Some New Friends
Chinese teen #1: Dude, you are "Fat Kevin" on my cell.
Chinese teen #2: What?
Chinese teen #1: I can't tell all you Kevins' voices! There's a fat Kevin, a skinny Kevin, an Indian Kevin, and just Kevin.
--Internet Cafe, Flushing, Queens
Overheard by: Renata
What Is It About a Loser in a Bandana?
20-something dude with lame Bret Michaels bandana: Come on babe, let me walk you home. Actually, fuck it, come over and watch a movie with me, I got some beer.
Unattractive older blonde: Nah, can't, I've got work in the morning, and I'm already wasted.
20-something dude with lame Bret Michaels bandana: Aw, you know I'll get you up as early as you need to get to work on time. You know I will. Plus, I'm pretty drunk, but I'm your cousin, so you don't even have to worry that I'll try to stick my wiener in you!
Unattractive older blonde: Well, alright.
--Grassroots Tavern, East Village
Raise Your Hand If You're Gonna Start Using That
Woman on bus: Hey, when are we gonna leave here--Christmas?
Driver: Lady, hold on.
Man on bus: He's probably watchin' porn.
Woman on bus: Yeah, stop beatin' your meat.
Driver: I'm waiting for my supervisor to give me the go-ahead.
Woman: Well, I'm gonna miss the ferry, so tell your stupidvisor I don't want to miss the ferry.
Driver: Did you just call him a stupidvisor?
--Chamber St. Shuttle to South Ferry
Overheard by: Jon
I Blame Niel Simon
British mother to young son: No, I want you to wear shoes on the subway.
British son: But I'm already barefoot, so what does it matter?
--American Museum of Natural History
...Whatever Your Name Is.
Stranger: Hey, big dick!
Black guy: Hey, what's up guy. Not big dick anymore, small dick! (motions with hand)
Stranger: Not what that girl told me last night, haha.
Black guy: Well, alright, take care.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Brandon
Most Kids Love Ice Cream and Hate Art; Deal With It
Dad: Wow! Look at all these paintings! Right here in the open, even if it rains. Pretty cool, huh?
Eight-year-old: I want my ice cream. You said I could have ice cream.
--Governors Island
...So, Too Bad You're So Sweet.
Cute hipster girl to guy with missing front tooth: Excuse me, is this your needle?
(hands him hypodermic needle he had left on his seat)
Sketchy guy: Oh, yeah, thanks. Diabetic.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Rick Bruner
And Those Are Just for My Baby!
Lady to cashier: Can you front me a slice 'til I get my check?
Cashier: Sorry, no.
Lady: C'mon, man. I come here all the time.
Cashier: Yeah, so?
Lady: Man, you suck. You don't know what it's like. I have to buy Pampers and food and crack.
--Pizzeria, Harlem
Overheard by: Rufio
Mr. Trump Is Just Mean
Fat chick to friends: And then he said I reminded him of Rosie O'Donnell! (starts hysterically crying)
Friend #1: How? Like because you're funny?
Fat chick: No! Because I'm fat! (continues crying)
(man walking by bursts out laughing)
Friend #2: It's not funny!
Man walking away: Yes it is!
--7th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Jesse H.
New York Only Has a Couple Of Ninjarinas
Asian conductor to ballerina on train carrying scissors, needle and thread: You know, I could confiscate those scissors. Since 9/11 they are really strict.
Ballerina: I'm just sewing my shoes, they're to cut the thread.
Asian conductor: Some of us would just take them. I won't, I'm just warning you. The needle too. There is this place in the neck you could stick the needle and paralyze someone. (walks away)
Ballerina's seatmate: He watches too many ninja movies.
--Metro North
But Only If MTV Is There to Film It
Guy #1: So I literally threw the books at her. And I said, "What's the point anymore? We fight like cats and dogs every time..."
Guy #2: So maybe we should all move in together in one big house! And we could marry each other's wives!
Guy #3: Yeah! Maybe...?
--17th St & 7th Ave
Whiteboards and Dry-Erase Markers Have Left Us Culturally Deprived
Asian girl #1: I always wondered what chalk tasted like.
Asian girl #2: (silence)
Asian girl #1: Do you know what chalk tastes like?
--Elizabeth Center
...Whatever President Obama May Think
Black gay guy #1: We better get back to class. This shopping can wait for another day.
Black gay guy #2: Class can wait in the name of fashion.
--Clothing Shop, Williamsberg
Also So My Female Friends Would Change Clothes in Front Of Me
Bro #1: I'm gonna get him... I wish I was gay so he could suck my dick!
Bro #2: Man, don't say that.
Bro #1: I said it. I wish I was gay!
--Franklin Ave.
I Recommend Ritual Suicide
Girl #1: Why should you have him? I've been single for 20 months.
Girl #2: 20 months?! I'd be ashamed!
--34th & 7th
When You Buy the Front Of a Dog, You Get the Back for Free
Father, pointing out woman cleaning up tiny turd from tiny dog: See, if we got a dog, that's what you would have to do.
Five-year-old son, near hysterics: Noooooo!
--Upper West Side
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
And Man the Oars?
Black girl #1 to large group of friends: It's like a slave ship here.
Black girl #2: First thing we need to do is get a gyro.
--Penn Station at Rush Hour
The Food Police Are Everywhere
Larger woman in elevator eating Snickers bar: No matter what I do, I can't lose no weight!
Less fat friend: Mm-hmm.
(elevator goes one floor up and stops. Both go to get off)
Suit #1: Unbelievable, no wonder you have weight issues.
Larger woman: What? 'scuse me? What you know about me?
Suit: Other than you are fat, can't take the stairs for one floor, and are stuffing your face with a king size Snickers?
Less fat friend: Shit, he do know you.
--40th & 8th
Overheard by: SandmanEsq
Hormones: An OINY Short Story
Teenage boy #1: Dude, that mannequin was hot!
Teenage boy #2: Imagine if it had a head and limbs!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Dave Rabkin
You're Right, but for All the Wrong Reasons
Not from New York husband: Honey, we can eat over there. (points at Tavern on the Green)
Not from New York wife: Ew! No, I am not going to eat at a tavern. That's gross.
--Central Park
And a Man I Can Pee With!
Frustrated hobo: What are you looking for?
Batty bag lady: A car!
Frustrated hobo: Well, what kind of car?
Batty bag lady: A car I can pee between!
--Eldridge & Broome
Overheard by: Nic
New York Girls Have Always Swooned for Quasimodo's "Ironic" Sense Of Style
Hermit-looking man at bakery counter: Euhh... Yes, I want cake. One will say "Kenny's dead." No! Wait! One will say "I killed Kenny, and I'm not sorry!" And the other will say... it will say, "Obama is my homeboy!"
20-something hipster girl, staring at man: Are you... for real?
Hermit-looking man: Yes, sweetie.
20-something hipster girl: You... you win at life, sir.
--167th & Broadway
...Clearly You Have No Grasp Of Bikini Wrestling Bylaws, Sir.
Guy holding baking mix: Excuse me, where's the vegetable oil?
Employee: We don't have vegetable oil, but I think canola oil should work fine with that.
Guy, sarcastically: Oh, you think canola oil would work?
--Trader Joe's, 14th St
Also How to Get Banned from Nobu.
Girlfriend: Learn anything new today?
Boyfriend: How to say "sexual offender" in Japanese!
--Central Park
Overheard by: lynn
The Adult Film Industry Will Be Happy to Guide You
Cute Asian girl: I feel like I'm in high school again, except the person I'm dating is female and a really good kisser, and the guy I'm plotting to seduce is my professor. What's wrong with my life?
Friend: I think you need to either learn to live without penis, or realize that kissing men isn't scary.
Cute Asian girl: Kissing women is scary too! But I happen to really enjoy kissing Christina.
Friend: Okay, so if you want to do your professor so badly, don't you think he might be a good kisser too?
Cute Asian girl: There are so many things you can do with a guy that don't involve kissing...
Friend: Again... Get over penis or start kissing men!
Cute Asian girl: It isn't that simple!
--Uptown 2 Train
Tracy Chapman's Been Saying That Since 1988
Bag lady to white guy whistling "When the Saints Go Marching In": Damn, nigger, that's my jam!
Guy: I'm... Ummm... sorry?
Bag lady: Yeah? Fuck you too!
(guy and girl walk away)
Bag lady: Shit, I gotta get outta this town and get my own place!
--L Train
Overheard by: The Music Man
Canadia: Dammit...!
Teenage girl #1: And she was trying to convince me that Florida is north of New York!
Teenage girl #2: Oh my god, some people are so stupid! North of us is like... Delaware!
--Hudson & Gansevoort
Overheard by: Laura
I Checked Her Birth Certificate
Hispanic teenage girl #1: I don't know about that girl. She just don't fit in with our group.
Hispanic teenage girl #2: Yeah, she think she ghetto fabulous, but she just ghetto.
--Brooklyn
Who Knew Sex With Strangers Could Be Unsatisfying?
Walk of shame girl #1: He said I was the best 20-minute decision he ever made.
Walk of shame girl #2: Oh my god, really??
Walk of shame girl #1: Yeah, more like 5 minutes.
--89th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Just Out For Coffee
New Yorkers Aren't Impressed When You Put on the Dog
Woman to waiter: Oh my god! I left my mink stole here. Oh please don't let it be gone. (goes to table, finds stole) Oh, thank god I found my mink stole and no one took it!
Woman at next table: Oh, please, bitch, ain't nobody want your German Shepherd!
--The Diner Restaurant, Midtown
Why Topless Tutoring Exists
Eight-year-old ghetto kid: Mama, give me your cell phone! I gotta call my girlfriend.
Mother: What you gonna talk to her about? How you can't read and write? Tell her to help you with that!
--Harlem
Overheard by: Joe
Why Little Kids Should Not Be Allowed to Watch Training Day
Six-year-old boy to two undercover NYPD officers: Hi, what's your name?
Six-year-old boy's mom: Hey, boy, what did I tell you about speaking to strangers?
NYPD undercover officer: It's okay, we're cops. (flashes badge)
Six-year-old boy: Aahhhhhhhhh! (runs into mother's arms)
--E Train
Overheard by: Rob G
You May Now Hakuna Matata
Hipster #1: So you're like Simba in The Lion King. Except you're lazy... and drunk.
Hipster #2: Exactly!
--Hunter College
Overheard by: Lucia C
Because She Knew How to Behave Like a Lady.
Guy #1: I told him you don't ask a woman for a cigarette, you just don't do it.
Guy #2: Yeah... Word.
Guy #1: But he didn't listen. Next thing you know he's getting pistol whipped and my car is being towed away.
--1 Train
It's Like He Thinks We Don't Need Silk Garbage Bags
Upper West Side wife #1: He thinks I can operate this household on $25,000 a month--that bastard better get a better job.
Upper West Side wife #2: Yeah, really, he needs to get his shit together.
--83rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Mike
According to Unsupported Facts Monthly
Girl #1: You know a lot of gays are really straight.
Girl #2: How so?
Girl #1: Most of them want kids.
--Downtown 1 Train
The City Of Echoes
Drunk girl #1: Does this train stop at Penn Station?
Drunk girl #2: Hello?! Can somebody tell us if this train is going to Penn Station?
Drunk girl #1, apologizing: Ignore her, she's from Rochester.
--F Frain
But We're Going to a Conference Next Week
Girl #1 to girl #3: In case you were wondering, we're kinda Lady Gaga experts. It's a very complicated subject.
Girl #2: And we don't quite understand it.
--Viva Herbal Pizzeria
You Always Take His Side, Stacy!
Woman #1: I just don't get why he isn't being spontaneous anymore.
Woman #2: I probably wouldn't want to be "spontaneous" with my girlfriend who just slept with my dad either.
--92nd St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Chick who didn't realize she lived in Melrose Place
...Like Every Other Child Star.
Hipster #1: So what's he been up to lately?
Hipster #2: I think he's living with his brother-in-law... in a warehouse.
Hipster #1: Oh. Cool.
--3rd Ave & 11th St
Welcome to the Dark Semester Of the Soul, Bitches
Professor: Apologies to everyone in advance, I seem to have the plague this week.
Student: Are you contagiously ill, or have you been on antibiotics for at least twenty-four hours?
Professor: No, not contagiously ill. It's nothing like H1N1 or anything, not that kind of plague. It's more of a the-crops-are-failing-and-women-are-giving-birth-to-stillborn-babies type of plague. Yeah.
--Fordham University Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Admiring Student
To Be Fair, That's Its Scientific Name.
Earnest toddler in stroller, pointing at gorilla: Nuula blujunbabalooo.
Babysitter: Seriously?
Earnest toddler: Yeah!
--Bronx Zoo
Overheard by: Olivia
Worked for Dan and Roseanne Connor
Guy: Why would I struggle with a bigger woman?
Friend: Because you are not agile!
--49th & 3rd
Wednesday One-Liners Were Pretty Hot, Back in the Day
20-something man walking into restaurant: I'd never bring my grandmother here for a date!
--27th & Lexington
Teen: That shit was sick! That shit was sick! I wanna go home and slap my grandmother!
--94th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Slapped her how?
Ghetto dude in fight with girlfriend: Your grandmother is a bitch!
--Murray St & Church St
Guy to friend: My grandma used to chase us around with fly swatters...
--Houston & Allen
Wednesday One-Liners Grow Hair on Their Palms
Preppy guy to preppy friends: So then she's throwing these nerf balls at me while I'm furiously beating off on her couch...
--Chinatown
Girl: Masturbation's not really my thing, but I need to be more self-sufficient.
--N Train
Angst 20-something on cell: Ya, I miss riding my bike, it made my ass look so good... Fuck! I just want to go home, smoke some weed, and masturbate.
--Central Park
Overheard by: kate
Guy: I hope this bus gets caught in a traffic jam! (looks down out of window) You may see people jacking off in their cars.
--MegaBus, Top Deck
Overheard by: EuropanGal
20-something girl on cell: Yeah, he's a big dork. Ya know what else he uses? Calculators. But that's just to masturbate.
--Macdougal & 4th
Overheard by: Billy H.
Young women on cell: Oh. My. God! You will never guess who got married! (pause) The masturbator!
--Bryant Park
Some Lengthy Wednesday One-Liners
Man on cell walking dog: What? But doesn't she know how big my Johnson is?
--Mott Street
Overheard by: Erica
20-something male, while passing sculpture of male nude: I don't get it. If you're going to make it with a dick, why make it so small?
--Time Warner Center
Overheard by: sd
Short Indian man, loudly into phone: All I wanna do is make love to you tonight... with my 11-inch cock!
--7th Ave & 35th St
Overheard by: Jenn B
Drunk guy, after fighting with girlfriend: How she gon' be mad at me 'cause I got a big dick?
--F Train
Wednesday's More Fun Than a Barrel Of One-Liners
20-something hipster to another, admiring long-legged blonde: How can you say you believe in evolution?! There is no way that that evolved from a monkey!
--1st Ave & 14th
Overheard by: Evolutionary
Little boy to brother: If I were a monkey, I'd take a crap on you.
--6 Train
Overheard by: Rebecca
Man on cell: Then Tim-Jim jerked him off with his feet. Only a monkey can do that!
--Bedford & Metropolitan
Overheard by: theeatenpath
Middle aged man pushing daughter's stroller: I can't believe she got Curious George's autograph!
--16th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Maquaid
Work Day One-Liners
Postal worker to another: Oh, no, don't worry. You do what you want. It is impossible for them to fire you, girl.
--Tompkins Square Park
Mr. Big, sarcastically on cell: Is there anything else that I can do for you, honey, while I'm out making a living?
--First Class Cabin, American Airlines
Overheard by: Frequent Flyer
Scruffy drunk hipster guy to frumpy drunk hipster girl: That's how girls touch me... at work.
--Cobble Hill Brooklyn
Guy on cell: I really need to give up drugs cause, like, no one will hire me. I'm gonna wait a few weeks and try to get a job at Food Emporium.
--Astor Place
20-something girl to another: See, the thing with sweatshops is, at least they have jobs.
--Chelsea
Overheard by: arielle
Well-dressed gay man to another: Doesn't she know the best part of her job is going through the OfficeMax catalogue to order matching office supplies? That should be the highlight of anyone's day!
--E Train
Overheard by: lk
Plant a Wednesday, Harvest One-Liners
Girl holding orchid: Orchids are the thinking man's rose.
--116th & Broadway
Overheard by: Samantha
Hipster girl to hipster guy: I'm telling you, these trees smell like semen.
--10th St b/w 1st & Ave A
Overheard by: Libby
Disheveled hobo to granola-looking lady with khaki shorts, matching hat, and three-foot braided ponytail: You goin' on a nature walk, baby? I'd like to take a hike with you and make sweet love beside a pine tree.
--89th & Broadway
Overheard by: Jesse Cromer
20-something hipster: He face-planted into my potted plant, and then later he pissed himself.
--Gowanus Yacht Club, Brooklyn
Overheard by: big bad don
Wednesday One-Liners Sock It to Me, Sock It to Me, Sock It to Me, Sock It to Me...
Ghetto black woman to four-year-old son: The ice ain't gonna respect you, you gotta respect the ice, nigga.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Steven
Obnoxiously loud drunk guy: I need a girl who will respect my receding hairline!
--Virgil's, W 44th St
Overheard by: Check, please!
Thugette: I'm just going to say, "Look, I mean no disrespect, but go fuck yourself. I mean no disrespect, but just go fuck yourself."
--6 Train
Overheard by: i mean disrespect
20-something guy to friend: Man, you don't understand. I really respect this broad...
--35th St & Lexington
Wednesday One-Liner Can Be Made Of Ivory, Glass, Rubber and Sometimes Wood
Loud girl to friend: How the hell do you lose your vibrator?
--4th St & 2nd Ave
Guy on cell: Yeah, I'm just waiting in line at Whole Foods. Still want me to bring the dildo over?
--Whole Foods
Gay man to boyfriend: I'm glad we could come here and show your coworkers that we really do buy lube for our sexual adventures.
--The Leather Man
Overheard by: i don't go to sex shops with my boyfriend
Creepy older man on phone: Someone should really dildo her.
--5th Ave & 58th St.
Overheard by: Courtney
Girl, loudly: Why didn't you tell me you bought lube?!
--Crowded NYU Elevator
Overheard by: S
Large woman to group of friends: And if someone asks a question, I just wave a dildo in front of their eyes!
--Brooklyn Museum
Overheard by: Liat
But I've Had This Hoboner for More Than Four Hours
Hobo: Yo, boy! Can I ask you something for a minute?
Teenage boy, walking quickly: I'm sorry, I'm in a rush.
Hobo: Bitch, it's not like I wanna fuck you or anything!
--Barrow St
Overheard by: Poky
Don't Wrestle Without a Condom, Kids
Black guy: Yo, I can't believe I turn 30 tomorrow.
Puerto Rican friend: Yeah, son.
Black guy: Like, I've got a family and a career! What the fuck is that all about?! What happened to my wrestling dream?!
Puerto Rican friend: Yeah, son.
--J Train
...I Own You
Trashy high school girl: I'm so glad I'm finally a freshman.
High school boy #1: Why?
Trashy high school girl: Because then I can make out with all the hot jocks.
High school boy #2: Wait... You make out with me.
Trashy high school girl: Yeah, but you're my boyfriend.
--Central Park
Even Though They Inhabit Different Fictional Universes?
Ditz #1: So yeah, I think Jesus was totally a mongoose soul.
Ditz #2: Totally. And Harry Potter, too.
(they nod together)
--F Train
Overheard by: Numbat
Stop Me If You've Heard This One
Gangsta to friend: Yeah, so, she started jerkin' him off and instead of cum, man, it was blood!
Friend: Oh shit, nigga!
Gangsta: And then she got one of those knife sharpeners.
Friend: Fuck!
--189th & Belmont
The Dreaded Sexican Standoff
Smooth guy: But baby, come on...
Irate woman, yellling: No! No! I will not do it! I will not have sex with you!
Smooth guy: But baby...
Irate woman: I cannot have sex with you! We're not in love! And until we're in love, I'm not having sex!
--57th & 7th
Weren't You Bush's Foreign Policy Advisor?
Mom: What did that little girl say to you?
Daughter: She said... that I'm ugly.
Mom: Well, you tell her that her mom is ugly. And then you punch her in the face, that's what you do. And then I'll go and punch her mom in the face! That's what you do!
--48th St & Broadway
Further Knowledge Is Now Unwelcome
Girl #1: Did you know that if you lick the wrapper of Big Red it'll stick to your forehead?
Girl #2: I learned about pineapple yesterday.
--Theater
Um, You Never See Shrubs in the White House?
Kid #1, after playing hide-and-seek: So where were you?
Kid #2: I hid in the bush.
Kid #3, yelling and throwing hands in the air in disgust: No! You weren't hiding in the bush, you were hiding in the shrubs. Doesn't anybody know the difference between bushes and shrubs?!
--Central Park
Ever Wonder What Really Happens When You Press the "Easy" Button?
Drunk white girl, walking past Staples: Ohmigod! I remember last summer when a guy spit on me at staples!
Drunk white boy: What? A Staples?
Drunk white girl: Yes, it was that Staples!
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: Kiara
That's Stigmata, Ashley.
Girl: What have you been up to, Stephanie?
Stephanie: Oh, I work at an assisted living in Dedham.
Girl: Oh, I know that one. I have a funny story about...
Stephanie: Oh?
Girl: And by "funny story" I mean that I'm in love with your coworker's ex.
Stephanie: Wow!
Girl: Hey, does this look like a mosquito bite or a hive?
--Columbus Circle
You're Going to Have to Be More Specific
Girl #1: Fergus's apartment is down there. Have you ever seen it?
Girl #2: I have. Actually, I did ecstasy in that apartment once. Wait, you were there! We ate ostrich. You rolled around on the carpet.
--Lexington & 51st St
That Chick Is Way Too Cocky
Wide-eyed girl, alarmed: I can't believe she mentioned his dick in front of you.
Girl in mourning clothes: I know. It's one thing if she mentioned...
Both, in unison: Her dick.
--Tompkins Ave & Hylan Boulevard
Pictorial Illiteracy Can Be Fatal
Hispanic teen to friend: Yo, none of the danger signs are in Spanish! "Do not lean on the doors, do not hold the doors." The city doesn't care if we fall off the train and die!
Friend: Then you guys better start looking at the fucking stick figures!
--Uptown E Train
Overheard by: Tara
He May As Well Have Hollered, "I Appreciate and Respect Your Intellect"!
Hot girl walking through construction workers, expecting to be cat-called: Oh boy, here we go.
Polite construction worker: Good morning.
Hot girl's friend: How embarrassing.
Hot girl: Shut it.
--Harlem
...Though, to Be Fair, I Don't Act Like That with My Hairdresser.
Ghetto Latina: He's so fucking stupid! This morning I kissed him goodbye and said "you're my world." and he goes "why you gotta be so dramatic?" Like, what the fuck?
Ghetto black friend: Damn!
--Houston & Hudson
Overheard by: Suit
...Away from Witnesses
Mom on stoop: Don't you skate too far from the house!
Four-year-old boy on skateboard: Moooooooom! Go insiiiiide the hoooooouse! I don't need you!
Mom neighbor: Did he just tell me to go inside the house? Boy, you just wait till *you* come inside the house!
--Monroe & Franklin, Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: Tigertail
Osama Bin Laden: Fuck!
Fashion girl #1, on 9/11: Did you see the two large lights in the sky?
Fashion girl #2: Yeah, crazy, right? I think they put them up for Fashion Week.
--King & Varick
According to the Zagat Guide for Bigots
Asian NYU freshman: I still can't get over how many gay couples there are here! Especially when you see the black ones.
Naive friend: Really? That must be so weird.
Asian NYU freshman: Yeah, it is! I'm like, "Black people are supposed to be all ghetto, and cool!"
--Union Square
Overheard by: Really??
Normal for an American, or What?
20-something skinny hipster girl: I'm in an eating phase. It started on Tuesday, and it'll go until Friday, if I've calculated my lunar cycle correctly.
20-something skinny hipster boy: Yeah, me too... I hadn't eaten for weeks, so I'll probably go til Saturday or Sunday.
20-something skinny hipster girl: What about you?
20-something chubby stoned hipster girl: I don't know what the fuck you guys are talking about. I eat like a normal person.
--Upper East Side
Overheard by: emily darwin
Ever Seen a Woman Before, Jason?
Guy: For real, this guy has two assholes. Like, vertically arranged.
--14th & 7th
...I Just Can't Read Yet
Mother: What do you have there?
Five-year-old daughter: My schedule.
Mother: Do you know what class you have first?
Five-year-old daughter: Mom, I'm not retarded.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Special K
Why Metrosexuals Exist.
Girl #1: Oh my god, he was so hot.
Girl #2: I know, I'd totally fuck him if he were gay.
--Midtown
What's My Motivation?
Eight-year-old to dad: Give me another acting exercise!
Dad: Try acting not weird.
--46th St b/w 8th & 9th
Overheard by: Serena
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