Archive for January, 2010

And Idiot Is Not a Protected Class, So Watch Out.

Guy #1: Wow, they indicted five cops in that beating last year in Shenandoah.
Guy #2: Yeah, it was a hate crime.
Guy #1: The victim was gay?
Guy #2: No, dude, he was Mexican.
Guy #1: What? Since when is it a crime to be Mexican?
Guy #2, after pause: Everyone on this train thinks you are a fucking idiot, and I agree with them. –Uptown 6 Train

What a Terrible Way to Talk to Your Parents

Suit on cell, leaving voicemail: Hi, June*, it's Tom*. I'm calling because I heard that you've been sleeping with Bill*. I just wanted to warn you to be careful, Bill* doesn't tell people that he has genital herpes. Definitely call me back if you're worried, okay?
(suit hangs up, phone rings moments later)
Suit on cell, answering: Bill*, dude! I heard you've been banging June*! –Lobby, Midtown Overheard by: Thankfully not sleeping with Jane

A Typical Saturday Night for David Hasselhoff

Angry drunk yelling at man: Fuck you! Fuck your mother! I hope you die, you piece of shit!
Angry drunk's girlfriend: Will you just calm down?
Angry drunk: No, fuck that! I hope he dies! I hope his mother dies! I'll fucking go back in time and terminate his mother!
Brave stranger: (laughs)
Angry drunk: What the fuck are you laughing at motherfucker?
Brave stranger: Going back in time and terminating his mother.
Angry drunk: Well, okay, that is funny… I like that movie too. (pause) Fuck him, I hope he dies! –Q Train

Preferably in Hebrew

13-year-old boy #1: Don't you remember that you told me my Bar Mitzvah was terrible?
13-year-old boy #2: When did I say that? I did not say nothing.
13-year-old boy #1: Don't you remember? You were talking to Eileen and you said I made a lot of mistakes. Don't blame me.
13-year-old boy #2: Don't blame you? You're blaming me! This is why we can't get together. Now we can't eat dinner together. We need conflict resolution. –Barnes & Noble, 86th & Lexington