Archive for April, 2010

Paris Hilton: “That's Wednesday One-Liner.”

Boy: If my hand was botoxed, could I hold hot things without getting hurt? –K-Mart, Astor Place Drunk douchebag: If I was a gay guy, I totally wouldn't cheat on my girlfriend, unless it was with a hot chick. –Morningside Heights Overheard by: Ladle Guy to another, as smoking hot woman walks by: She's so hot I'd eat the corn out of her poop! –42nd & Broadway Guy to dinner date: I hate it when people tag me on Facebook. It's like, I'm in sweat pants! I'm a mess! I just ran three miles, leave me alone… You're gonna tag that?! Like "tap that." You're gonna "tag that"? (pause) What do you think about the waitress, pretty hot huh? –Diner, Washington Heights Overheard by: April Marks

Wednesday One-Liners Have Fifty Nursery School Rejection Letters

Two-year-old boy to mom: And after dinner, it's butt-shaking time! –Brooklyn Heights Tot in stroller: Mommy, I want the tabouleh… Mommy! My tabouleh! –Food Emporium Little brother pestering older brother playing PSP: What do you like better, Nutella or A-Rod? –Stanton Tailor Shop Two-year-old, after falling to floor when train swerved: Mother, I resent that. –G Train Overheard by: Sunny

Today, Wednesday One-Liner Is a Woman.

Girl on cell: It just… It's not like it sucks. (pause) It just sucks, ya know? I mean, I had my period this morning, and I just wanna get high. –Borough of Manhattan Community College Overheard by: 447ght Customer, buying two packs of Kotex: Next time you order these, you should get the kind with deodorant. It really makes a difference! –112th St & St. Nicholas Guy on cell: Dude! Guys don't PMS! –Port Authority Overheard by: allie Girl #1: I once made a Nativity from feminine products. (awkward silence) They weren't used, though… –Barnard Overheard by: Brooklyn

White People Flee the Train Before It Gets to Wednesday One-Liners

Sassy black woman: You think I would have brunch in Harlem? I wouldn't even have lunch in Harlem! –D Train Overheard by: laughing Dramatic girl on cell: But I love you. I would go to Harlem and back for you! –Starbucks Girl: Wow, Harlem is like a cultural playground. There are stores and everything. –Metro-North Columbia freshman girl: I would never let anybody in Harlem touch my vagina. –Columbia University Overheard by: Meagan

And Wednesday Said, “Let There Be One-Liners.”

Guy on cell: Suppose there is no god. (pause) Hello? Can you hear me? Suppose there is no god. (pause) Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? –Bus Overheard by: Is God trying to tell you something? Intense man, grasping woman's shoulders: God wanted me to, and I was ready to. –Near Riverside Church, Morningside Heights Overheard by: I wish I knew more Guy, in awed tones, hearing "Le nozze di Figaro" through open window: It's like the voice of God… –The Bronx Overheard by: ground floor music lover Crazy man: There is only one God. There is only one real deal. I can't afford sex anymore. –Outside Penn Station Overheard by: That took a turn

The Joy Luck Wednesday One-Liners

20-something guy on cell: I'm sure she wants to castrate me. (pause) Remember her Asian friend, well… (pause) Yeah, I hit that. (pause, then uncontrollable laugh) I gots the yellow fever! –59th St & 11th Chinese brother to sister: All Asians get off at this stop. (looking out window) See? They're all Asian. (pause) Oh, wait, there's one English guy. –Grand Street Stop, D Train Overheard by: Justin W Asian girl on cell: You know how people say all Asians look the same? Well, I realized something today. All white people look the same to me–I honestly can't tell them apart! –Port Authority 20-something Asian girl on cell, in perfect American English: So, I just got welcomed to America for the second time today. Are my clothes that… (with disgust) Asian? –Metro-North Overheard by: RedShikari

Wednesday One-Liners' Meters Are Running

Girl to boy: You're just upset that I kicked you out without shoes, and I didn't give you cab fare. –Black Bear Lodge, 3rd Ave Guy, after cab splashed water on him: That cab just jizzed on me! –Broadway & Eagerly Waspy queer on cell: No, no, take the subway. Just for the experience. Don't take a cab. Cabs are for spoiled people. –M23 bus Overheard by: Rose Fox Girl, yelling into window of off-duty taxi: Fine! We're waiting for the cash cab anyway! –3rd & Sullivan Overheard by: Heather

Wednesday One-Liners Think Bugs Bunny Is Gay

Fat girl to friends: You know who I want to be? Motherfucking Rainbow Brite. Bitch had a flying horse. –29th & 7th 20-something guy, following very loud clap of thunder: By the power of Greyskull! –Center Boulevard, Long Island City Overheard by: mixxy5 Hobo, to no one in particular: Find me on the computer; my name's Scooby-Doo. –Starbucks Cop to partner: God, working with you is like working with Stewie Griffin. (whiney) Briiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaan… Briiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaan! –Train