Archive for May, 2010

So Honey S'mores Would Be, Like, the Holocaust

Vegan on elevator to friend: Honey… that's not vegan.
Friend: It's not? But it don't kill no bees?
Vegan: But it comes from an animal, remember: anything that has a mommy. Honey is kind of gross anyway, it's bee spit.
Friend: Damn! That's some tasty-ass spit, though, isn't it? I would tongue a bee. In a heartbeat!
Vegan, ignoring last phrase: What else? Marshmallows, they have horse bones in them… –31st St

Wednesday One-Liners Go on Maury to Establish Paternity

Irritated tourist mother to baffled seven-year-old daughter: Your father is such a fuckin' dickwad! And let me tell you–he wasn't even inspired the night we made you. –Times Square Overheard by: tinyfoo Guy on cell: I haven't talked to my dad in over three years, and this morning he friended me on Facebook. –1st Ave & 89th Street Overheard by: Citats Guy on cell: Well, I wouldn't say I have the best relationship with my father, no. Umm… Well, for example, if he answers the phone when I call the house he says "Oh. Hey, failure." –Union Square Overheard by: Olivia Woman on cell to friend: Uh-huh girl, I brought William to his donors' house and he didn't want to watch him. I said "William, William, say goodbye to your donor because he don't wanna watch you today." –Bay Ridge, Brooklyn Upper East Side girl at brunch with girlfriends: I need to find a new apartment because when I do the walk of shame I keep running into my dad. –80th St & 2nd Ave

Wednesday One-Liners, in a Nutshell.

Man in car at stoplight on cell: Yeah, so I grabbed a towel for my nuts and ran down the stairs. Yes, I covered my nuts. So I run down the stairs covering my nuts with a towel because I knew where the smoke was coming from! –127th & Lenox Street tough to guy in wheelchair: So you kicked him in the nuts? (shrugs) Yeah, word. –E 2nd St & Ave C Overheard by: Ben Couch Crazy man: Where's Howie? Where's my favorite nut-nut? –Hanson Place Overheard by: JBeck Dude on cell while riding bicycle: It's hanging off your nuts? –Williamsburg Mom 20-something daughter heading to Penn Station: Should we grab our nuts, at least? –7th Ave & 34th St Overheard by: Just don't grab my nuts

Wednesday One-Liners Will Leave You Spellbound

Man on BlackBerry: Yeah, it's about a freaking partnership. And there's no "I" in partnership. –Washington Square Park Subway announcer: There is a downtown b train approaching 96th Street. That is "b" as in "delta." –86th St Subway Station Manager, looking at display that has been knocked over: This place is trashed. T-r-s-h-a-e-d! Trashed! (awkward silence from employees) What? What did I say? –Bed Bath & Beyond Overheard by: Melissa Theater tech guy on phone: So you're saying every time Sesame Street was brought to you by the letter "b," you cried? If that's the case, I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry I offended you with a letter. –50th & 9th

Wednesday One-Liners Are “Technical Virgins”

Slutty gay kid: My ass is not a storage shed for your dick. –6th Ave & W 11th St Overheard by: Matthew Man on cell on bench at midnight: It's like this: you either take it in the ass or suck dick. –Battery Park Overheard by: DAISYMAE Guy holding KY lube containers to passer-by: Hey, you want some for your girlfriend? You can put it on her asshole. –St. Mark's Overheard by: Kon Girl on cell: Maybe if you change your relationship status on Facebook to "in a relationship", I'll let you have buttsex with me. –SoHo Overheard by: seal Blond suit screaming into BlackBerry: I said I don't want buttsex for Valentine's Day! –38th St & Broadway Overheard by: Kat