Archive for 2010

The Teachings Of Wednesday One-Liners

Professor: I have nothing against horse rapists, generally speaking. –New School University Overheard by: Evan Gilmer Psychology professor: Chocolate may make you feel good, but cocaine will make you feel a lot better! –Barnard College Elderly history professor: I'm not sure of the consequences of what I'm saying, but I'm sure it's terribly important. –Pratt Institute Serious professor, on Freud: What's the matter, Anne, are you thinking about penis envy? –Classroom, Hunter College Overheard by: Rara Bearded professor: He drew an eye on the bird and asked me "do you know what this means?" (short pause) "I swallow." What do you say to that? –94th St & Broadway Overheard by: DI Elderly professor: You two ladies in the back want to cut the bullshit and listen to my brilliance? –Tisch School of the Arts Overheard by: Bruce Lee

One-Eyed, One-Horned Flying Wednesday One-Linereaters

Guy: …and then I'd be a cyborg. –Soho Overheard by: Nicole Q Man on cell: But wouldn't that make you a vampire? –45th St Crazy guy, returning after briefly exiting car: I tried to make it to the end of the train, but I was blocked by a teenage werewolf. I have encountered them before, but never outside Brooklyn. –6 Train Overheard by: Canucking Futs Guy on phone: In your next life, you're gonna come back as a vampire. –Williamsburg Dude, marveling to another on train: Damn, son, you look like Godzilla with a fade. –Q Train Hipster waiter: The fucking gnome took my remote control. The one thing in the world that I love. I told him, "you can take anything except the remote control." And sure enough, he took the fucking remote control. –Restaurant, Williamsburg

Threeway One-Liners

Sulky waitress at family restaurant, complaining about management: I could be home right now having a threesome, but Chris won't let me leave. –Astoria, Queens Overheard by: Inkling 35-year-old camp Asian man on cell: Yo, girl! (pause) Hell no, I have no idea what shit went down last night. (pause) Oh-em-gee! All I know is I woke up with five guys. –R Train Overheard by: Abby and Holly 20-something college boy: I mean, there's no "I" in "threesome." –Union Square Guy to his friends: Yeah, I haven't decided what guy I would tag-team a girl with yet. –Hairy Monk, 25th & 3rd African American guy to hipster girl: It was the worst orgy I've ever been to. Nothing but kids and clothes everywhere you looked. –48th St & Broadway Overheard by: RevLina, The Pain-Proof Girl

Wednesday One-Liners Eat at Friendly's

Mother to four-year-old making loud, weird noises in stroller: Will you shut up? See… That's why you don't have any friends. –Supermarket, Astoria, Queens Overheard by: George O. Woman on cell: She put my friendship on the line for a Chanel bag! (pause) So I guess I'm worth like, $600 dollars. –Starbucks, Astor Place Overheard by: Kade Angry woman to man: You had to fuck my friend?! You couldn't think of a better place to put your dick? –Elevator, 75 Wall St Overheard by: Jonathan Seated guy to standing woman: I was out drinking with a friend. Well, less of a friend and more my parole officer… –L Train Overheard by: Bradburnside Suit to woman: I don't believe in friends, ya know? –22nd & 6th Overheard by: Edyna

Can We at Least Agree That Two Whites Don't Make a Wong?

Highly agitated gay man, bleach-blond, indeterminately biracial: My mother was black! She died in 1999!
Middle aged black woman: Now, wait a second…
Highly agitated gay man: My mother was black and my father was Chinese!
Middle aged black woman: Now, you just don't worry about them…
Highly agitated gay man: If I'm white, it's because my black mother was white!
Middle aged black woman: Now you're just bein' crazy. –Prospect Park, Brooklyn Overheard by: MPW

Marie Antoinette Doesn't Often Get Out Of Versailles

20-something girl: I'm an anti-feminist. It's not that women shouldn't be allowed to work, it's just that they shouldn't be expected to work.
20-something boy: Everyone works. Animals work. Do you have any idea how many eggs a chicken lays every day? Or how much milk comes out from a cow? That's why vegans don't like dairy products, because the cows are overworked.
20-something girl: I don't like dairy products because of this reason: human milk is for baby humans, and cow's milk is for baby cows. I don't really care how many eggs a chicken lays, though. –Uptown A Train