Archive for 2010

Wednesday One-Linering Miss Daisy

Elderly lady to coughing woman sitting across the room: Do you have something in your throat? Cuz I could slap it out for you. –Doctor's Waiting Room Old lady to pharmacy tech: Yeah, I always have an ice cream cone when I see the truck. It's such a nice treat. (pauses) Plus, you never know–this could be my last one. –Jackson Heights Overheard by: Queens Newsbunny Very old frail-looking woman leaving crowded train: Goddamned people and their fucking backpacks! –6 Train Old man on cell: Hello? (pause) I'm at the crack shack. (pause) Well, you look like a raccoon. (pause) This is the first I've been outside all year! –Madison Square Park Old Jewish woman, in Russian: My grandchildren are total fucks. –Coney Island

Wednesday Mile-Highliners

Pilot: Passengers, please move your seat into the least comfortable position. We are now approaching LaGuardia intergalactic airport. I'm your pilot, T.J. Maxx. –JetBlue Airplane Pilot over intercom: We are about to depart, so please turn off your iPhones, Sidekicks, BlackBerrys, Blueberrys, Pinkberrys, Strawberrys and all other mobile devices. Even you, girl in the blue scarf. –LaGuardia Flight Flight attendant: In the meantime we ask that passengers please continue to use oxygen at their leisure. –JFK Bored-looking flight attendant, explaining how to board the plane in order: The letter on your boarding pass stands for the which group you may board with: a, b, or c. The number underneath stands for the amount of money you could save by switching to GEICO. –LaGuardia Airport Overheard by: Frequent Flyer

Wednesday One-Liners Watch Bruce Jenner's Colonoscopy on YouTube

Funny-looking guy with crazy goatee & glasses to the sales assistant by the table full of butt plugs: I'm friendly with this woman… She likes things in her ass. –Babeland, Lower East Side Overheard by: Lara Girl: It felt so good. He then stuck his finger up my ass. Just as I was about to say "No! No!" I came. Ugh, I swear my life is a joke… A joke! –Murray St & Greenwich Overheard by: James Guy talking way too loudly on cell: Man, I just lay her down and say, "baby, you put yo' tongue in daddy's ass! –W 3rd & MacDougal Overheard by: Mathieu Guy on cell: Cus he'd already been to the emergency room, 'cus he stuck a shampoo bottle up his ass. –L Train Thug to girl in catsuit costume walking by: Man, I'd eat yesterday's breakfast out of that ass! –42nd & 7th Overheard by: Ed

Wednesday One-Liners with a Reservoir Tip

Girl on cell: I don't need anything else. I've got 20 dollars, my phone, and a condom. –11th & 3rd Ave Overheard by: Alex Flamboyant boy on cell: Wait, where are you? What are you doing? Please tell me you'll wear a condom. (pause, then boy's face grows increasingly horrified) Several condoms. –Dining Hall, NYU Street vendor next to hot dog vendor: Get your Obama condoms! They go great with a pretzel! –Times Square Overheard by: not another tourist 15-year-old girl: Damn, nigga, I hope you flushed the condom, cuz they be using turkey basters for other shit now. They be taking the condom from the trash can and suck up the cum and put it in theyselves. I know, cuz I messed with a few niggaz who be telling me and I learn in sex ed! –74 Bus, Staten Island

Wednesday One-Liners Love You, Man

Drunk chick: Who wants a bite of my freak salad? Whoo! –Hudson & W 11th Very drunk male hipster: Whass the problem? Roofies make you goofy! –Stanton & Allen Wasted college girl: Guys, let's go get more drunk! I wanna get laid! (to another girl on cell) Tell your boyfriend I wanna get laid! –115th & Broadway Overheard by: Oh, dear. Man of questionable sobriety: She tore off my shirt with her teeth, and then covered my chest in Jameson, licked it off, and then humped my face until I fell off the swing. –Red Restaurant, South Street Seaport

Gosh, I Miss Middle School!

Drunken blonde: Are you okay?
Drunken brunette: I got locked in the bathroom!
Drunken blonde: You are so great. Can you be my assistant in life?
Drunken brunette: Let's get something to eat. Make sure I get home okay.
(blonde puts arm around brunette)
Drunken brunette: Whosa this?
Drunken blonde: Me!
Drunken brunette: I'm sleeping. –17th & 5th Overheard by: Must have been a good night?