Archive for 2010

The Hat's an SS-ombrero

Loud bald man: My grandmother taught me that it's rude to keep your hat on while you're eating! Take it off, Robin Hood!
Guy in hat: (mumbles)
Loud bald man: Come on, take it off. We're not in fuckin' Mexico.
Loud blonde woman: Isn't it so great that he's Mexican-German? His parents are so great.
Guy in hat: (mumbles again)

–Le Zie, 7th Ave

Overheard by: Rose Fox

And Does This Mean I Can't Cheat Off Of Her in Class Anymore?

Girl #1: So, how's Christie? She hasn't been coming to class.
Girl #2: Not so good. She tried to commit suicide again.
Girl #1: Ugh! What did she do this time?!
Girl #2: She swallowed half a bottle of pills. She started throwing up and hallucinating, but fortunately her mom found her and took her to the hospital.
Girl #1: Sometimes I think she likes to exaggerate things for effect. I mean, if you were hallucinating, then how would you know that you were hallucinating? And how do you swallow that many pills anyway? I can barely take one.
Girl #2: Well, her mom said she…
Girl #1, interrupting: So what is she going to do now?
Girl #2: Her parents think it is best if she stays in a mental institution for a while.
Girl #2: Wow! I could never do that! Live in the crazy-house, I mean. If I was surrounded by that many crazy people then I might start to think I was crazy too!

–6 Train

As Long As I Have TV, Reality Can Go Fuck Itself

Stringy-haired teen in waiting room: See? We got here an hour early and we're still sitting here.
Trashy mom: Shut up and watch Martha Stewart.
Stringy-haired teen: My stomach hurts. That chocolate I ate today upset my stomach.
Trashy mom: That's what you get for eating chocolate at eight am.
Stringy-haired teen: I woke up at six, ate some, then went back to bed. Then I woke up at eight and finished it.
Trashy mom: Shut up and watch Martha Stewart.

–Dentist Office, Brooklyn

Wednesday One-Liners 101

Psychology professor: So with the gustatory system the motor action is basically spit or swallow. That reminds me of… never mind.

–NYU

Professor: As rigid as it may sound, I would really prefer that you provide me with the literal translation of the Latin on all quizzes and exams, rather than rearranging the grammar to make it sound less awkward in English, so as to preserve the integrity of the Latin prose. Yeah, that's how I roll.

–Lincoln Center, Fordham University

Overheard by: Classics Student

Social psychology professor: The field of psychology doesn't run on… Dunkin'.

–New School University

English professor to class of freshwomen: When you get drunk, does your judgment suffer? (silent awkward pause) Well, you girls might be a little young for it, but I know my judgment suffers!

–Barnard College

Overheard by: High Aspirations

English professor: I know it sounds like an asshole thing to say, but that's what I'm here for guys. I'm here to be your asshole.

–English Seminar, Fordham