Archive for 2010

I Always Preferred Bin Laden Barbie

Older lady #1: He's a very nice guy. He looks like a terrorist, but he's so sweet.
Older lady #2, laughing: Really? Well, that's good.
Older lady #1: Yeah. He's so smart! Really bright, and really good at making you feel comfortable. I was so glad to have him helping us. But he definitely–if you look at him–he's like teddy Taliban.

–Waiting Room, NYU Hospital

Overheard by: Hector Hamas?

Wednesday One-Liners' Cocktail Hour Started Back in the Eighties

Cop to another: Are you drunk yet?

–Corner of 145th St

Frustrated-sounding NYU student to friend: Well, why don't you get a girl and you can just pretend she's drunk?

–Washington Square

Future rabbi: So my philosophy professor, Lenny Kravitz, told us we'll be drinking scotch in class tomorrow…

–4th & Broadway

Drunk black guy arguing on phone: Man, you need to stop drinkin'. Not only is yo speech gettin' slurred, but yo brains is gettin' slurred too!

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Ashley

Dude to friend: I swear to god, every time he gets a little buzzed he thinks he's Austin Powers.

–40th & 7th

Overheard by: thivnav

Mommy, Where Do Wednesday One-Liners Come From?

Woman on cell, sitting at counter: The baby's not out yet…as in "it's still inside her."

–McDonald's, Varick Street

Overheard by: Jordan

College student: It's like taking candy from a baby…only, ya know, I'd ask the mother first.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Dara

Dork walking by Babies "R" Us with friends: Dude, look! I totally wanna buy a baby!

–Union Square South

Guy on cell: That shop smells like babies!

–Union Square

Drunk man in Santa hat to all train passengers: I know all you ladies want to have babies for Christmas, but there's no time for it! Close your legs, there'll be less heads.

–L Train

Overheard by: Handley Elizabeth

Wednesday One-Liners for Change

Black lady to family in obama t-shirts: You know how all those irish people have pictures of kennedy hanging up in their living rooms? Now we can do that too!

–Whole Foods, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Definitely has a JFK picture in her apartment

Guy selling obama-themed condoms: Remember the election with every erection!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Mary Button

Black woman with a child in her stroller braiding her hair: There's gona be a lot of braidin in the white house.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Subway surfer

Woman on cell phone: Girl, if I can get to the front of the line at the vma's I can get to the front of the line at the damn inauguration. Shiiiit it's barack obama, girl!

–manhattan dental waiting room

Overheard by: Catherine

Stoned kid to a group of his friends discussing politics: You know what's scary bro? If obama gets assassinated, george bush is gonna be president again.

–1 Train @ 2AM going Downtown

Black man handing out metro: "get your obama metro! Get your obama metro! See, anyone can be president… I'm next!"

–59th Street, Lexington Ave

Overheard by: Yes we can!

Good Luck Explaining This to the E.R. Doc, Wednesday One-Liner

Ghetto lady on phone waiting for bus: Ugh. I'm exhausted. I don't have the energy to stick my hands up your ass.

–Hunts Point

Dude on cell: I think he's the same guy who stuck the jar up his ass. (pause) Well, because the camera angle was the same, and the scar…

–108th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Drunk gay man speaking to straight couple: So I'm at the wedding talking to my future cousin-in-law about how it's not gay if he likes things in his ass, and he said that's not his problem, his problem is asking her to cut her fingernails.

–26th b/w 9th & 10th

Female suit on cell: There was something going into that butt, did I not mention that?

–10th & Hudson

The Au Jus Of Wednesday One-Liners

11 year-old boy throwing water balloon back and forth: It's like a hymen, perfectly intact after a minor rape! (balloon is thrown to him and bursts all over him) Oh, sweet hymen juices!

–Tompkins Square Park

Eight-year-old boy to another: God, just drink your spit!

–90th St & 2nd Ave

Drunk hobo with hand-down pants: I'm not going to ejaculate! (repeats it over and over)

–D Train

Overheard by: seat changer

Blind woman to blind friend: Sweaty people suck.

–W 23rd Street

Overheard by: Cool and Dry

Little girl: I don't like boys! They're mean and they sweat a lot!

–2nd & Ave A

Young girl to boy: Ewwww, I'm dripping cum!

–Hester & Allen

Overheard by: lower east side

Wednesday One-Liners Still Giggle When They Say “Stimulus Package”

Mother to preschool-aged child: That's the New York Stock Exchange. That's where we lose all our money.

–Outside NYSE

Overheard by: Angel

Man to four-shoe-pair-buying wife: It's people like you who confuse the economists.

–Macy's

Toll booth operator to chick in car during rush hour: So, what's your take on the economy these days?

–Verrazano Bridge

Young dudes, watching suits take Queens train at 9 am: Oooh! They got fired.

–7 Train

Overheard by: Only in Brooklyn

Presenting the Fall Wednesday One-Liner Collection

Fashion photographer: That's a skirt? I thought it was a hat.

–Fashion Closet, Conde Nast Building

Indecisive woman to friend: I like this sweater in principle.

–Banana Republic, 86th & Broadway

Tween girl to mom: I'm not going to put my precious glove in the frickin' oven!

–Queens

Guy: I'm just saying, he doesn't dress like a bro.

–Astor Place

Irate girl wearing too much lipstick: That band really doesn't do him justice… I mean, I don't think he should have to wear a unitard. And she really shouldn't wear one, you know?

–6 Train

Overheard by: Wants to see him in unitard

A Little Wednesday One-Liner in a Big Pond

Drunk girl: I just love a cock in my mouth! It is a fact of my life, like Blair and Tootie. I want to be carnivorous. I will eat fish if it's the only thing on the menu, but I really just want some meat! I'm not fishiverous!

–Party, Ditmars Boulevard, Astoria

Overheard by: likes steak AND seafood

Girl to friend: Surely if she was ever in possession of a penis, then on merit she would inherit the family lobster farm?

–28th & 7th

Ginger: Garibaldi… That is so weird. That is the name of the California state fish. I wonder if the statue is named after the fish.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: camillo cavour

Man to wife: That's too much calamari, even for a homeless guy.

–East Village