I Like to Braid It Using Only My Tongue

Woman with strong Southern accent: I am gonna have her bachelorette party in my apartment next weekend.
Husband: (nods)
Woman: But the goddamn stripper won't return my phone calls.
(waitress brings shots)
Woman: What is this?
Waitress: Tequila, on us.
Woman: This'll put hair on my boobies.
Husband's friends: That's just how he likes it.
Husband: (nods) –Brother Jimmy's BBQ, Upper West Side

The Most Talked-About Wednesday One-Liners Of the Season!

Cheap suit on phone: Make conversation? All you guys fucking talk about is bowel movements and the reporting thereof! –Spring St & Cleveland Pl Overheard by: Neilium 20-something hot chick on cell: I'm talking about a dog, Sean. Not a penis. –C Train Scandalized woman to husband: And they just kept talking about jizz! –E Train Woman on cell: I can't talk about somebody being sexy while you talk about my vagina? –37th & 7th Ave Overheard by: Mondo Man

When Are You Not?

Barista #1: Dude, that would be awesome.
Barista #2: That’s crap. That would look stupid, and I will give you 50 bucks if you find me one!
Barista #1: Deal.
Customer: What are you guys talking about?
Barista #2: Human cheetah man. –Tea Lounge, Union St

He Was Wrong

Drunk girls singing to birthday girl: For she's a jolly good fellow, for she's a jolly good fellow, for she's a jolly good fellow…
Drunker girl: And she's got a big cock!
Random black dude behind them: Bet it ain't bigger than mine! –Bleecker & Bowery Overheard by: Anna

Wednesday One-Liners Put Them on One Leg at a Time

Boy to girl: Does it look like my ass is eating my pants? –Brooklyn Tech Overheard by: Julie Eight-year old girl: It’s not me, it’s the pants! It’s the pants! –81st & Roosevelt Ave Overheard by: Jobee Woman on cell: No. No. Absolutely not. Look, would you please put some pants on? –8th & Broadway Cop to his cop friends: My buns don’t look good in these pants. But hey, what can you do? It’s part of the uniform. –Times Square Shuttle Station Overheard by: Heather Girl on cell: Do you have to shit? Oh… So go in your pants! –Union Square Overheard by: Shira Incredulous thug to friend: You drop your pants to hop the train? –W. Houston & 1st Ave Overheard by: Jon A.