Wednesday One-Liners Put Them on One Leg at a Time

Boy to girl: Does it look like my ass is eating my pants? –Brooklyn Tech Overheard by: Julie Eight-year old girl: It’s not me, it’s the pants! It’s the pants! –81st & Roosevelt Ave Overheard by: Jobee Woman on cell: No. No. Absolutely not. Look, would you please put some pants on? –8th & Broadway Cop to his cop friends: My buns don’t look good in these pants. But hey, what can you do? It’s part of the uniform. –Times Square Shuttle Station Overheard by: Heather Girl on cell: Do you have to shit? Oh… So go in your pants! –Union Square Overheard by: Shira Incredulous thug to friend: You drop your pants to hop the train? –W. Houston & 1st Ave Overheard by: Jon A.


Girl: When I was a kid my parents bought me everything I wanted.
Guy: Well yeah, you were really spoiled.
Girl: No, I was highly entertained.
Guy: You were spoiled. You got everything, right?
Girl: Yeah…
Guy: So you were spoiled.
Girl: You don’t understand. I didn’t cry or whine. My parents just bought me everything. –N Train

Wednesday One-Liners Check ‘In a Relationship’

Chick on cell: I always end up dating people whose names aren’t actually their names. –Harlem Overheard by: Ladle Woman on cell: There’s this guy I think is really hot. He’s gained some weight and lost his hair… but in a graceful way. No, no, nothing like that. He’s really nice and he’s so smart… Well, he drinks a lot. –Strand Bookstore Overheard by: MHY Woman to friend: 2006 was a terrible year, but 2007 is gonna be better… No men in my life! But there’s this man at my job, and I’m trying to stay away from him, but I just can’t. From the moment I saw him… Whew! One day he said to me, ‘Girl, put your hand in my pocket, I got some lunch money in there for you.’ And I did it, and… Whew! I said, ‘I know what that is… That’s no lunch money… Let me feel it again.’ –F train Overheard by: liza Man on cell: If I can’t get an American Jewish woman to go out with me… then there must be something wrong with American Jewish women! –45th & 8th Overheard by: Melanie British chick to guy: I’m not breaking up with you in that sense… –49th St, between 9th & 10th Ave Overheard by: nyamelia Hipster chick: … And I’m like, ‘I love you.’ And he’s like, ‘Get away from me.’ I think he’s just afraid of commitment. –7th Ave Overheard by: Regina Deorum Woman to friends: Who needs a boyfriend when you’ve got a dog who farts? –Max Brenner, Broadway, between 13th & 14th

Wednesday One-Third-of-the-Trinity Liners

Mother to toddler: So you wanna play with Jesus, huh? (pause, then sigh) Well, I don't think Jesus is around today… Not in the East Village, anyway. –6th St & 1st Ave Overheard by: Pedro Drunken 40-something: It's cool because Jesus said it. Fuck them all! –65th & 1st 12-year-old boy in Catholic school uniform on cell: I'm only going if Jesus Christ is going, and I don't think Jesus Christ is over on Flatbush. –5th Ave, Park Slope Walking guy: Can we at least agree that Jesus would have a hard time getting on a plane today? –Prospect Park, Brooklyn Overheard by: Ladle Five-year-old: No one cares about Jesus! –Museum of Modern Art

Wednesday One-liners Are Pastafarians

Man: …and then she’s gon’ ask me, “How was church?” I’m like, get the fuck outta here. How many times have I asked her to go to Goddamn church with me? Every fuckin’ Sunday, I ask that bitch to go to Goddamn church with me. Never! Not once has she come with me, now she wants to ask me, “How was fuckin’ church?”. –Sephora, 19th & 5th Overheard by: yassira diggs Mormon guy: So last time I was here, I was trying to get to Columbia, and I missed my stop and got off in Harlem. And I looked around and thought, “I can’t believe I’m the only white person here!” And sure enough, I was the only white person there. I mean, I was wearing a tie! –flight into JFK Woman: Oh boy, you are in trouble girl. Jesus says to come over here right now. Jesus says come over here now! –Brooklyn Museum Guy: So I really need your advice. My wife was driving on the LIE, and she had a vision from God telling her to sleep with this other guy, so she did. Well, I finally got her to move back in with me, but now she says I’m full of shit and everything I say is a lie. I really want to work this out with her, you know? –Penn Station God Squad guy: I love all y’all in the name of Jesus, ’cause I got Jesus! I’m blessed, you’re stressed. I’m anointed, you’re disappointed! –4 train Overheard by: saltylips God Squad woman: Here come da Jesus, fire from his mouth! –1st Avenue L station Overheard by: Adam Nathan Girl: Jesus there’s like a restaurant every two feet here. –46th between 8th & 9th Man: …come to think about it, my grandfather was in charge of the marshmallow burning during Joan of Arc’s burning, so I guess it’s in my heritage! –45th between 8th & 9th Overheard by: Alex Venguer