Wednesday One-Liners Smell Bacon

Cop on megaphone: Hand over your license and your registration. Now everyone in the Heights knows what I am waiting for.

–138th St & Amsterdam Ave.

Overheard by: tony l.

Hobo: I’m just black. I’m not a criminal.

–Outside MSG

Overheard by: Barry P.

Female cop, screaming out the window of her police car: Stop yelling on the street!

–Greenwich Ave & W 13th St

Overheard by: Pierce

White teen boy: You see, you can only mess with white people and Asian people because the worst thing they’ll do is call the cops. Anybody else–no one will ever hear from you again.

–1 train, southbound

Overheard by: Stephanie Shestakow

Hobo: Stand clear of the closing doors. You cannot block the doors. Keep your belongings with you at all times. If you see a suspicious package or activity, tell a police officer or MTA employee or me. My wife died and I want you to know that I’m single. I may not have any money, but I got plenty of honey. I want all the ladies to know that I’m single. Not the men, though. I’m not gay. I’m a lesbian. I like women.

–Downtown 5 train

Cop car, driving in bike lane, on loudspeaker: Move right. Move right! Your other right, idiot!

–8th Ave & 28th St

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Thug: I hate white people. They’re always talking to the cops.

–1st Ave & 89thSt

They Even Go to the Bathroom Crazy

Hobo: Don’t you be lookin’ at my dick, motherfucker!
Homed: What?
Hobo: You look at you own dick when you takin’ a piss!
Homed: I wasn’t looking–
Hobo: Mutherfuckin’ faggot. Probably same faggot pissin’ AIDS all over everybody. Oughta put a bullet up you ass… –Grand Central men’s room Overheard by: john chianese A hobo has peed on himself. Hobo: What the fuck? Can’t a brotha go to the bathroom without all you bitches starin’ like it’s something new? –Prospect Park

Wednesday One-Liners Boot and Rally

Very young child: Yo estoy borracha. Yo estoy borracha. Yo estoy borracha… –35th St & 36th Ave, Astoria Overheard by: Michelle M. Drunk guy: You know, I get very annoyed when I’m really drunk and you’re not. –W 103rd St Girl on cell: Are you drunk? Are you drunk? Are you drunk? Are you drunk? Are! You! Drunk!? Are you drunk?…Cause I am! –Bandshell, Prospect Park Overheard by: Patrick Di Justo Guy on cell: Well, you can just watch me drink then! –33rd & 7th Smart teen: Wait, you’re gonna use your fake ID to buy alcohol with a credit card? Haha, I’ll just wait outside. –34th & 7th Cinephile: I need to get hammered like Mel Gibson tonight! –70th & Park Boy genius: That’s one word to describe my brother: drunk and psychotic. –Montgoris Dining Hall, St. John’s University Overheard by: Someone who can count