And I Love You, Horns and All

Guy: I am really excited about our trip to Germany in the summer. We have to make sure to stop in Frankfurt to meet my family.
Girl: I am kind of nervous about meeting your grandfather since your mom said he was a Nazi and I am Jewish.
Guy: My grandfather is just a mild Nazi. He only believes in the conspiracy theories about Jews.
Girl: Well, I don’t care that your grandfather’s a Nazi. I love you.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Cannelle

Ironically, She's Someone Who Thinks She Knows Where We Go After Death

Woman with suitcase: Does this train go to Times Square?
Man: This is Times Square.
(woman with suitcase gets on train)
Man
: No… This train goes to Brooklyn. Or something. This is Times Square.

(woman with suitcase gets off train)
Woman with suitcase
: How do I get to Times Square?

Man: Just walk upstairs. You're in Times Square.
(woman with suitcase walks upstairs, looks at signs, comes back down)
Woman with suitcase
: Does this train go to Grand Central?


–Times Square Station


Wednesday One-liners

Woman: A hundred dollars worth of squeaky toys and you eat garbage off the floor! I don’t get it. –22nd & 7th Overheard by: debo Teenage boy: Once I hit the blind kid that lives downstairs with a ball and I felt so bad but it had me thinking, “what if he got his sight back by me hitting him?”. I would be like, “yo, you have your sight back thanks to me, give me some money.” –2 train Girl on cell: Your ass is, like, slightly cuter than my face. –Union Square

The Lost Friends Episode

Chick #1: What’s that? ‘Smegma’? That’s not a word.
Guy #1: Of course it’s a word.
Chick #1: Bullshit. What does it mean?
Guy #1: Haven’t you ever heard of dick cheese?
Chick #1: Get the fuck out of here.
Chick #2: It’s crud that grows under men’s foreskins.
Guy #2: You must date all Jewish guys.
Chick #2: Or Muslims.
Chick #1: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Guy #1: Don’t you inspect a cock before you put it in your mouth?
Chick #1: I don’t put cocks in my mouth.
Guy #2: Which explains why she’s here playing Scrabble on a Saturday night.
Guy #1: You don’t give blow jobs? Honestly?
Chick #1: No.
Guy #2: Why not? You’re an attractive adult woman.
Chick #1: I think it’s gross.
Guy #1: Maybe she tried it once and the guy had smegma.
Chick #2, taking hand of Chick #1: Come with me and I’ll explain. [They leave the room, and Chick #2 comes back alone minutes later] Let’s go. She doesn’t feel like playing any more.
Guy #2: First no blow jobs, now no Scrabble. She’s really painting herself into a corner.
Guy #1: Before we get lost in all these other issues, I get 42 points for ‘smegma.’

–Scrabble party, 34th & 2nd

Overheard by: Big Larry

Our New Public Service Announcement

Guy with lisp to friend: When I have outbreaks, they never have it, so I asked the guy at the gas station and he just bought a pack for me.
(friend mumbles something)
Guy with lisp
: I have to walk miles to the gas station to get my herpes medication. My mom doesn't even know I have herpes, or that I used to have syphilis! Imagine having poison ivy on your knee, and it bursts, and there's pus. That's what it's like. Do you have herpes?

Friend, stupidly: Ha-huh. I don't know.
Guy with lisp: Did you fuck that chick Rachel?
Friend: Ha-huh. Yeah.
Guy with lisp: Did you ride her rough?
Friend: Ha-huh. Yeah.
Guy with lisp, shamelessly: You probably have herpes. I gave it to her about a month ago. We should talk more about who I've fucked and who I've given herpes to.

–Metro-North Rail

Overheard by: Fresca P.