Girl #1: I hate her. She's such a stuck up bitch.
Girl #2: Oh, kind of like us?
Girl #1: I guess. I don't know, she just really looks like a chipmunk.
Girl #2: I love woodland creatures!
–Columbia University
Archive for February, 2011
The Most Interesting Man in the World Is Pretty Fucking Spoiled
Annoying woman on the subway #1: Is it because of my job that he don't want to talk to me?
Annoying woman on the subway #2: Yo, you listen to me. It don't matter if you workin' the corners way downtown or makin' some money on some Wall Street shit. He shouldn't care that you're an exotic dancer.
Annoying woman on the subway #1: You know what? You're damn right! I mean, sure he don't like me showin' my behind in front of otha men; but his last girl really did work the corners! So he just just shut the fuck up and deal with it.
–1 Train
We're on the Same Page– in Different Catalogs
Boyfriend: We need a new vacuum cleaner.
Girlfriend: But we just bought a cheesecake!
–Brooklyn
Overheard by: Kay Lodge
In Chicago, It'd Be “Jason's Camera Got Shot”
Girl #1: So Jason's camera got stolen.
Girl #2: So?
Girl #1: So it sucks because he doesn't have one now and he'll have to buy a new one.
Girl #2: Look, I know you grew up here and all, but you have to remember I grew up in Detroit, things like that don't faze us. Tell me something big, like “Jason got shot”, then maybe I'll listen.
–Chelsea
You Mean, Like, a Gender Reassignment?
Asian 20-something #1: She only dates white guys.
Asian 20-something #2: So?
Asian 20-something #1: They've been together for five years!
Asian 20-something #2: So what? She's ready for a change.
–6 Train
Wednesday One-Liners, High and in School
Teen girl to friends: I'm ready to get drunk and make some mistakes this weekend! What up? High five it!
–Brooklyn
Overheard by: ethan
Teen kid to another: I got mad homework… I got my Foot Locker job… I got my girl… Yo, son, you gotta get it done, land that shit in the Hudson, son!
–J Train
Overheard by: Ed O'Neill
Teenage girl: Eww! That's so gross. There's nothing that makes me more uncomfortable than pregnancy, babies, and tourists. Good thing I'm not any one of those!
–1 Train
Teenage boy to friends: You know I've never been grounded? Not even that one time when I hit my dad back.
–4 Train
Overheard by: Evan M
Teen girl to friend: Wait a second… So you can't get pregnant if you're both wearing jeans, right?
–Outside Catholic High School, Queens
Pow, Alice, Right in the Wednesday One-Liners!
Tiny boy to another, pointing at crowd exiting the subway station: Look! It's our audience for the smackdown!
–Carroll St
Overheard by: kdice
20-something girl to another: Have you ever seen my legs? My legs will, like, choke you, forever.
–Prince St.
Overheard by: Roland McFly
Cop: I'm gonna smack somebody!
–Chinatown
Overheard by: chris k.
Angry girl: I didn't give him a hickey, I just bit him!
–Bowery & 3rd St
Street vendor to customer: My big boy, he'll beat you up. But he won't try to hurt you.
–Livingston & Court St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: KP Whitey
Very persistent girl on cell: Come out with me! Get emancipated! Just doctor a video of your parents beating you and get emancipated, and I'll adopt you, and then we can go out.
–Urban Outfitters, 72nd & Broadway
Overheard by: amalthya
Wednesday Airliners
Mother to young daughter freaking out over some turbulence: Calm down! I'll let you know when it's time to start panicking!
–LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: Max
Pilot, making announcement: Thank you for flying American Airlines. It's been a pleasure having your mom with us today.
–JFK Airport
Overheard by: Sunny
Flight attendant, giving safety talk: If you are flying with young children, put on your own mask first; if you are flying with two young children, choose the one with the most college potential.
–Baltimore-New York Flight
Overheard by: KingoftheNighttimeSquirrels
Gay guy welcoming passengers on plane: Alright everybody, have a great time, good luck on the bikini contest! (to random woman), Don't worry, I have faith you'll win! (to random man) You can be the judge!
–Delta Airline Leaving LaGuardia
Overheard by: taylor
Woman to friend, after airplane dropped slightly: Whoa, all the blood just like, rushed back into my ovaries!
–Entering LaGuardia airport
Overheard by: taylor
Airplane maintenance worker entering jetway, exasperated and surprised: Woah… Uh, oh, wrong plane.
–Laguardia Airport
Overheard by: Afrocurl
Sparkling Wednesday One-Liners
Gay man: I think my blood type has recently changed from O positive to Cabernet.
–Greenwich Wine Bar
Overheard by: Bri
Woman with too much makeup on cell: What the fuck is a Demi Lovato? Some kinda sweet wine?
–Limelight Market, 20th St. & 6th Ave.
Overheard by: Manhattman
Coworker: Oooh, I can't believe I'm going there. I can't wait to pay $20 for a glass of champagne tonight!
–Office Building, Union Square
Overheard by: cube girl
Guy on cell waiting to cross street: Which kind of art is impressionism? (pause) Oh, yeah, I really like the older stuff. But we should totally go. I bet they'll have free wine.
–23rd and 7th
Suit on cell: I'm not good at saying this because I am such a hollow and disturbed individual, but… I love you… And that's not just the wine talking.
–43rd & 9th
Overheard by: or maybe it is…
Wednesday One-Liner, Where Are You?
British guy: Oh, Toronto. Is that near Japan?
–L Train
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Dad to small children: Look kids, this is Central Park!
–Washington Square Park
Gray-haired suit to colleagues: They're going to Spain, Morocco, and Madrid. (pauses) Madrid is a country, right?
–Uptown A Train
Tourist on the corner of 45th and Broadway, pointing in random direction: Times Square is that way!
–45st & Broadway
Hefty white man in the back of pedicab: Alright, keep going… (long pause, then loudly) But you're wrong!
–44th & 7th
Overheard by: Lisa Mavinelli