Archive for April, 2011

Dude, Are You Calling from a Pay Phone?

Man on pay phone, screaming at the top of his lungs: I didn't fucking do anything wrong, you fucking goddamn bitch! (pauses as people back away) You fucking stupid fucking cunt! (frothing) I didn't fucking do anything wrong!

–Atlantic Ave


Let the Word Go Forth to All Nations

Band member: We're playing here tonight. Can we put a name on the guest list?
20-something bartender: You don't have to pay a cover if you're in the band.

–National Underground, East Hudson Street


Then I Invested It for You and Lost It

Hobo: Spare any change?
Passing man: I gave you a million dollars already.
Hobo: Huh?
Passing man: I gave you a million dollars already!
Hobo: When?
Passing man: A while ago.
Hobo, surprised: Oh.

–91st St & Broadway


One More Witch And We're the Weird Sisters

Woman, watching two patrons leaving: Can we move over to that spot?
Bartender: Sure… As long as you're not as weird as those guys were.
Woman: Oh, we will be.
Friend: We aspire to be as weird.

–Angelina's Pizza Bar


I Can't Wait to Score a Rich Guy and Pump Out Babies

College girl: You can ask the question about the Trojan War. I hate the Trojan War. I'm like, “Why are we studying a war that probably didn't even happen?”
Friend: Yeah. I hate King Lear. I didn't even really read it. I Sparknoted that whole thing.

–3 Train


In Wednesday One-Liner We Trust

Preteen boy, seriously, to preteen guy friend: Trust me. Trust that I know what's best for you.

–Metro North

Creepy Upper West Side guy: I only trust Asians up to a certain degree, but I trust Charles a lot.

–74th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Young man to another young man: If you're a bottom, you don't want it to be a marathon. Trust me.

–8th Ave & 23rd St

Guy behind me: Nah man, I don't trust him. Plus, he fucks his own mother. That only happens in Tennessee.

–Houston & Ludlow

Overheard by: 1:52 AM


Low-Rise Wednesday One-Liners

Waspy male NYU student in hushed voice: No, mom, I do not want you to send me my man thong!

–Central Park

Overheard by: Sarah

Laughing woman to cop: And then I told him I'd put curry in his underwear!

–TD Bank, 52nd & 3rd

Woman on phone: So you should bring a suit and jacket. (pause) Yes you must bring socks. (pause) I guess underwear is optional.

–E 86th St

Overheard by: comando suit

30-something chick on phone: Jen sent her a burka from Afghanistan and I was like "Yeah, remember this isn't a kilt–you gotta wear panties under that shit."

–7 Train

Overheard by: talker's remorse