Archive for April, 2011

Dude, Are You Calling from a Pay Phone?

Man on pay phone, screaming at the top of his lungs: I didn't fucking do anything wrong, you fucking goddamn bitch! (pauses as people back away) You fucking stupid fucking cunt! (frothing) I didn't fucking do anything wrong! –Atlantic Ave

Let the Word Go Forth to All Nations

Band member: We're playing here tonight. Can we put a name on the guest list?
20-something bartender: You don't have to pay a cover if you're in the band. –National Underground, East Hudson Street

Then I Invested It for You and Lost It

Hobo: Spare any change?
Passing man: I gave you a million dollars already.
Hobo: Huh?
Passing man: I gave you a million dollars already!
Hobo: When?
Passing man: A while ago.
Hobo, surprised: Oh. –91st St & Broadway

One More Witch And We're the Weird Sisters

Woman, watching two patrons leaving: Can we move over to that spot?
Bartender: Sure… As long as you're not as weird as those guys were.
Woman: Oh, we will be.
Friend: We aspire to be as weird. –Angelina's Pizza Bar

In Wednesday One-Liner We Trust

Preteen boy, seriously, to preteen guy friend: Trust me. Trust that I know what's best for you. –Metro North Creepy Upper West Side guy: I only trust Asians up to a certain degree, but I trust Charles a lot. –74th St & Broadway Overheard by: Harriet Vane Young man to another young man: If you're a bottom, you don't want it to be a marathon. Trust me. –8th Ave & 23rd St Guy behind me: Nah man, I don't trust him. Plus, he fucks his own mother. That only happens in Tennessee. –Houston & Ludlow Overheard by: 1:52 AM

Low-Rise Wednesday One-Liners

Waspy male NYU student in hushed voice: No, mom, I do not want you to send me my man thong! –Central Park Overheard by: Sarah Laughing woman to cop: And then I told him I'd put curry in his underwear! –TD Bank, 52nd & 3rd Woman on phone: So you should bring a suit and jacket. (pause) Yes you must bring socks. (pause) I guess underwear is optional. –E 86th St Overheard by: comando suit 30-something chick on phone: Jen sent her a burka from Afghanistan and I was like "Yeah, remember this isn't a kilt–you gotta wear panties under that shit." –7 Train Overheard by: talker's remorse

Wednesday Doesn't Want a Whole Bunch Of Little One-Liners Running Around

College girl: Why would I show my condom collection to my mother? –E 14th St Guy selling Obama condoms: It's a election, erection, collection for your protection. –Times Square Girl, stopping in the middle of crowded street, yelling into phone: Wait! How much did your NuvaRing cost? –Outside Grand Central Statioin Preppie boy to preppie girl: Well, it was really good until the condom broke. –Columbus Circle Overheard by: emily Girl to boyfriend frantically searching Plan B: Slow down! Geez, we have 72 hours… –Duane Reade Overheard by: Jules