Guy smoking a cigarette: I know it's next to the Starbucks, but I can't remember which Starbucks.
Friend, expressionlessly: That's ironic.
–Union Square
Archive for May, 2011
Americans Care More About Speed Than Destination
Little boy, as train starts moving: Wheee!
Random guy: Yeahhh! (entire train car starts cheering)
–Metro-North Rail
Or Could It Be Because the Line at Duane Reade Always Moves So Fucking Slowly?
Customer: No receipt, thanks. (rushes out)
Cashier, to customer's departing back, mockingly: Oh! I was reading my stupid book on the train and missed my stop, so now I'm late for work!
–Duane Reade
Overheard by: Katherine
Um, Isn't That Your Wife's Birth Control?
Middle aged black man: I don't need some pill to make me skeet. You know what I'm sayin?
Slightly older black man: I gots the magic pill. I like makin' sure I be ready for my bitch!
–51st & Lexington
Overheard by: Waitingforatrain
…With Your Street Smarts
Southern mom, arriving in New York: Okay, everyone put your street smarts on.
Southern teen girl #1: I put my cell phone in my pocket, is that okay?
Southern teen girl #2: No! That's where the hobos go first! Put it in your sock!
–Train, Penn Station
Overheard by: Lindsey Hogrefe
…I Think I Saw a Video About That
NYU student to friend: Ugh! I stayed up til 4 am.
Friend: Um, why?
NYU student: Apparently the cure for watching YouTube videos is not more YouTube videos.
Friend: You need a twelve step program or something, man.
NYU student: Yeah, maybe.
–NYU
Says the Amuse-Bouche Douche
Guy: Wow, I'm so hungry right now. What's your favorite food?
Girl: Your penis.
Guy: Honey, that buffet is open 24/7.
–2 Train
…I Should Probably Go Get That Checked Out.
Vendor #1, loudly: Do you have Munchhausen's syndrome?
Vendor #2: Which one is that?
Vendor #1: It's the one where you're obsessed with going to the hospital.
Vendor #2: Oh, yeah. Probably.
–Flea Market, Brooklyn
Overheard by: A
“Break Wednesday in Case Of One-Liner”
40-something suit: He said he was an anarchist. He refused to pull over for emergency vehicles.
–45th & Park Ave
Overheard by: Katy
Police officer on megaphone: People, you are in the middle of a road and are blocking traffic. If there is an emergency, nooooboddddy is going to save you.
–57th & 11th
Elevator operator: Man, if I had an emergency chute, I would use that shit today.
–168th St Train Station
Guy rushing out of off-track betting: Hi, Sharon? I'm sorry I didn't call you. I had an emergency this morning. I'm in the hospital. I'll call you right back.
–5th Ave, Bay Ridge
Overheard by: b_clothman
Reduce, Reuse, Wednesday One-Liner
Male student to female student: I went over to her apartment, and she has all reusable, eco-friendly cups… So there I am, drinking out of what seems like a plastic cup, but with permanent lipstick stains! "No," I said to myself, "No, I am not doing this!"
–St. Mark's & 4th St
Greenpeace guy: On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you like nature? Where 10 is, like, you wanna live in a tree house, and 1 is like, you want to punch a panda bear in the face?
–Bleecker & Prince
Overheard by: Panda Bear Hater
Teen thug on cell: Yo man, I told you, I don't fucking litter! I care about the motherfucking environment!
–125th & Adam Clayton Powell
Overheard by: hell's kitchenette
Tourist woman: Honey, this plaque talks about global warming as if it's a fact!
–Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Tim