Archive for May, 2011

Um, Isn't That Your Wife's Birth Control?

Middle aged black man: I don't need some pill to make me skeet. You know what I'm sayin?
Slightly older black man: I gots the magic pill. I like makin' sure I be ready for my bitch!

–51st & Lexington

Overheard by: Waitingforatrain

…With Your Street Smarts

Southern mom, arriving in New York: Okay, everyone put your street smarts on.
Southern teen girl #1: I put my cell phone in my pocket, is that okay?
Southern teen girl #2: No! That's where the hobos go first! Put it in your sock!

–Train, Penn Station

Overheard by: Lindsey Hogrefe

…I Think I Saw a Video About That

NYU student to friend: Ugh! I stayed up til 4 am.
Friend: Um, why?
NYU student: Apparently the cure for watching YouTube videos is not more YouTube videos.
Friend: You need a twelve step program or something, man.
NYU student: Yeah, maybe.


…I Should Probably Go Get That Checked Out.

Vendor #1, loudly: Do you have Munchhausen's syndrome?
Vendor #2: Which one is that?
Vendor #1: It's the one where you're obsessed with going to the hospital.
Vendor #2: Oh, yeah. Probably.

–Flea Market, Brooklyn

Overheard by: A

“Break Wednesday in Case Of One-Liner”

40-something suit: He said he was an anarchist. He refused to pull over for emergency vehicles.

–45th & Park Ave

Overheard by: Katy

Police officer on megaphone: People, you are in the middle of a road and are blocking traffic. If there is an emergency, nooooboddddy is going to save you.

–57th & 11th

Elevator operator: Man, if I had an emergency chute, I would use that shit today.

–168th St Train Station

Guy rushing out of off-track betting: Hi, Sharon? I'm sorry I didn't call you. I had an emergency this morning. I'm in the hospital. I'll call you right back.

–5th Ave, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: b_clothman

Reduce, Reuse, Wednesday One-Liner

Male student to female student: I went over to her apartment, and she has all reusable, eco-friendly cups… So there I am, drinking out of what seems like a plastic cup, but with permanent lipstick stains! "No," I said to myself, "No, I am not doing this!"

–St. Mark's & 4th St

Greenpeace guy: On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you like nature? Where 10 is, like, you wanna live in a tree house, and 1 is like, you want to punch a panda bear in the face?

–Bleecker & Prince

Overheard by: Panda Bear Hater

Teen thug on cell: Yo man, I told you, I don't fucking litter! I care about the motherfucking environment!

–125th & Adam Clayton Powell

Overheard by: hell's kitchenette

Tourist woman: Honey, this plaque talks about global warming as if it's a fact!

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Tim

Wednesday Faces Up to Its One-Liners

Well-dressed black man in glasses to pretty black woman in sleek dress: Put your face in it! No, no… Put your face in it! No. Your face in it!

–Grand Central Station

Overheard by: face the corner

Young guy to female friend: I'm gonna falafel her face.

–L Train

Overheard by: dutchess

Latina on phone: Girl, you gotta just tell him it's not okay for him to cum on your face, especially while Craig is in the room.

–32nd & 7th

Bimbette on cell: I have a habit of putting things close to my face that shouldn't be there.

–3rd & 41st

20-something white guy on cell: For this relationship to work we cannot have any face time.

–Thompson & Bleecker

Overheard by: Jessica

What a Mongolian Cluster Wednesday-One-Liner

Man on cell: Every time I loan you money, you mooch it! (pause) No, that time was different! (pause) Fuck you! I'm coming over right now, I'll be there in twenty minutes, asshole! (hangs up) Fuck everything!

–40th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Ally

Young female suit shouting into cell: Well, that's just the icing on the fuck-cake, isn't it?

–42nd & 5th

50-something woman wearing baseball cap: He fucked me for nine years!

–Central Park

Guy looking at an ad for the King Tut exhibit: King Tut! Fuck you!

–23rd St & Park Ave

Got to Get You Into My Wednesday One-Liner

Boy: I need a black Jew in my life.

–Bard High School, Queens

Overheard by: Sunny

Guy about to get on train during morning rush hour, in a defeated tone: This is going to be my life? I hate the fucking subway.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Brizzle

20-something girl: I mean, let's be honest, my biggest accomplishment in the past few weeks is making a profile on Jdate. How do you really think my life is going?

–Westway Diner, 43rd & 9th

Girl on cell: Fine, mom! Then I'll just become a stripper. (pause) No, I won't get into drugs. (pause) I know, this is what it feels like when life kicks you in the teeth.

–West 4th & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Lezbotron