Archive for June, 2011

A Smorgasboard Of Wednesday One-Liners

Chick to another: You and the potato? You're never gonna live that down!

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Ladle

Guy on cell: You're eating Rice Krispies? Why?!

–Bed-Stuy

Overheard by: Ruth

Girl at Indian food bar: I got samosas! You know who loves samosas? Rory Gilmore.

–Whole Foods

Angry lady with short hair: I want something with crunch. I want to crush and crunch and mangle something. That stuff, like oatmeal, that's like the slop you feed to animals.

–Crosstown 31 Bus

Overheard by: Percival Under Cover

Young hipster to hipster friend: They have the best squirrel tacos in all of lower Manhattan. Well, the best under $10.

–Madison Square Garden


Well, Yeah, I Think We Just Established That.

Man on sidewalk selling CDs, one of which a woman passing by grabs and walks away with: Hey, I'm selling these things, not giving them away!
Woman: Oh… Well, I don't want it if I have to pay for it, here you go.
Man: But you'll take it, won't you, taker!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Rich


Ah, Spring in New York!

Passenger #1: Don't sit there!
Passenger #2, looking at lumpy newspaper: What, is it just urine or did somebody take a dump?

–N Train


Is This a Pick-up? Discuss.

Old man: Excuse me, but are you a star?
Young man: Nope
Old man: Oh, well, you definitely have star quality.
Young man: Thanks?
Old man: You're welcome. Do you ever get told you look like someone?
Young man: Yes, when I am clean shaven I have been told that I look like Leonardo Di Caprio.
Old man: No, that's not it, you're more like Boy George, or… Wait… Not him, he's creepy… George Michael, yeah that's it!

–Rockbar


Billy Decides to Stop Sucking

Mom: Say you're sorry to Billy.
Tiny girl: But I'm not sorry!
Mom: Katy, you apologize right now!
Tiny girl: But you said lying was bad!
Mom: And hitting is bad too! Now say you're sorry!
Tiny girl: I hit him with a stick because he sucks. And he still sucks, so I'm not sorry.
Mom: You hit him with a stick? (grabs Katy and storms over to father on picnic blanket)
Tiny girl, over her mother's shoulder: I'm not sorry, Billy!

–Central Park


Familial Bongs Can Never Be Broken

Guy #1: You're never too old to be a pothead. Just look at my grandpa.
Guy #2: Didn't your grandfather die last year?
Guy #1: Nope. That was just a mistake.

–Fordham Lincoln Center

Overheard by: A. E. Stover


Wes Craven: Gold!

Lady #1: You heard about Richard* the bus driver? He's dead!
Lady #2: What? (pause) Will he still be able to pick up the kids?

–2nd Ave

Overheard by: okeydokey


He's in the Process Of Spanking That Out Of Me

Queer #1: At first I judged him because he's bald. But then I totally fell in love with him because he's so hilarious.
Queer #2: He's old, it's not his fault he's balding.
Queer #1: I'm young, it's not my fault I'm shallow.

–Abingdon Square

Overheard by: Alex N