Archive for July, 2011

The International Wednesday One-Liner Fund

Man on phone: Fuck personal, this is business. You owe me six grand. I don't care how you get it, but you owe me, so you better start sucking some dick, you better start sniping people, I don't care! I want my money!

–181st St & Ft Washington Ave

30-something woman with thick Russian accent to 20-something guy: Two weeks later you get all money back, plus fifty percent.

–Bench, Union Square Park

Overheard by: Farley

Man on phone: It's amazing! A year ago, I didn't know the difference between an asset and an equity!

–4th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Sagehen

Ghetto teenager, holding five dollar bill, to friend: Come on, lend me a dollar, I don't want to break a big bill!

–Deli, Coney Island

Guy on cell: What do you mean you want all my money?

–Westside Market, 103rd & Broadway

Overheard by: boBob

Wednesimian One-Liners

Suit on phone: So the asshole is chewing me out and I said "Well, don't blame me! The monkey's butt was red when I got there!" Well, that shut him up, cause he knew I was talkin about him…


Overheard by: Smileythedog

Husband to wife, about towel with monkey design: That's a culturally biased rag, because it has monkeys on it.

–Target, Gateway Center

Overheard by: Scott Hutchins

Raspy hobo: Hey sweetheart, whatchya got in dat bag? A baby gorilla?

–Washington Square

Overheard by: Lisa

Excited little boy to dad: He looked like a huge gorilla with slimy skin, and he had a salamander face on his fingers!

–DeKalb Avenue, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Morning Glory

Girl: Just stop. Stop! Enough with the fucking monkeys!

–Khyber Pass Restaurant, St. Mark's Place

Wednesday One-Liners, As Seen on Lost

Drunk blonde girl on cell: I'm here! I'm here! I don't know where I am!

–St. Marks Place

Overheard by: Kristin

Guy on cell: I'm coming up Bedford, and… I don't know, on the corner of Bedford and Jews.

–Bedford & Heyward

High school boy on cell: Where am I at? I'm in morning… Uh, morning wood park.

–Morningside Park

Overheard by: wirehead

Teenage girl on cell: I don't know where I am … I'm just here!

–Sheridan Square

A Good Salesman Could Sell One-Liners to a Wednesday

Harlem sidewalk hawker: Platinum jewelry, look me up! (crowd is silent) I got platinum jewelry, platinum! And white girls! I got it all!

–West 125th St.

Overheard by: Penelope

Subway huckster: Attention ladies and gentlemen. I have learned that if you can't find a job in this city, then you make one. I am selling gloves for one dollar. If one dollar is too much for you, I can be talked down to 99 cents, but I will be thinking bad things about you tonight. One size fits all. If they don't fit you, then you are one knuckle-draggin' neanderthal. (goes on to sell 50 pairs of gloves in 5 minutes)

–R Train,

Man selling whistles: Get your whistles here for one dollar! Safety on a string, baby, one dollar! (attractive girl walks by, he whistles) You need one, girl… It's summertime, people gettin' frisky up in this mother.

–60th & 2nd

Guy selling Obama condoms: Obama condoms! (pause, sees hot girl wearing purple scarf) Free demonstrations if you're wearing a purple scarf!

–Broadway & Spring

Man at vendor table: Sweaters! Two dollars! Two dollar sweaters! C'mon, people! Two dollar sweaters, nice sweaters too! (pauses) Okay, people, I'm about to raise these to ten dollars so get 'em now! Two dollar sweaters!

–Queens Blvd.

Chinese street vendor to absolutely nobody on crowded rush hour sidewalk: Fuck this shit!

–Canal St

Overheard by: lola

Wednesday's Clothes Are So Tight You Can See Her One-Liners

Very posh lady with silly hat to very posh lady with too much makeup: So they made this skirt for me, but they made it fit too perfect. I can't even walk up stairs. I feel like a geisha!

–Gramarcy Park

40-something woman to 20-something woman: Honey, if your body is a 6, but your panties are a size 12, never, ever, under any circumstances, wear a tube dress where the band is just hitting below where those horizontal stripes are, jiggling on that ass. The front looks great.

–Uptown A train

200-pound black woman to another: The only time I go commando is when it's 100 degrees out and I'm wearing a skirt.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Brian Quinn

Ugly girl: If I wore a bathing suit to every single class I promise you I'd pass.

–Hunter College

Large mami in tight stretchy outfit: When I saw the snow this morning I said "dag! I gotta change." but Alicia needs to zip me up. I can't reach the zipper.

–Elevator, Midtown

Overheard by: CH

The Hills Are Alive with the Sounds Of Wednesday One-Liners…

Cheerful guy, singing: Oh, the shaaaaake shack is a little old place where we can… get a burger…

–Madison Square

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Stoned man with ukulele, to the tune of "Bohemian Rhapsody": Father… just killed my mom, put a gun against her head, pulled my trigger now she's dead…

–72nd St & CPW

Overheard by: stepping away from the platform edge

Little boy, singing out Jewish day school bus window: Oy-oy-oy-oy-oy-yoi-yoi! Oy-oy-oy-oy-yoi!

–76th St & West End Avenue

Overheard by: Suze V

Guy to friend, about Alicia Keys/Jay-Z song: That's not how that song goes! She doesn't sing: "concrete jungle with green tomatoes"!

–Grand Central Station

Overheard by: M.

Man walking down street, singing loudly: She's a maniac, maniac, my love. And she's dancing like she did when she was four.

–East Harlem

Overheard by: Sisk of China

Tonight's Movie: No Country for Old Manganese

Student: Professor, is manganese good for you?
Elderly chemistry professor: It's allegedly related to that… What's that old age thing?
Student: Alzheimer's?
Elderly chemistry professor: Right. That.

–Cooper Union

Overheard by: Denali