Ghetto fab black girl: Hey, can we see that pic you just took?
Ghetto fab Latina, sitting across: No, bitch.
Ghetto fab black girl: How about you come over to our side? Sit over here!
Ghetto fab Latina, getting up and walking away: How 'bout you eat my butt?
–4 Train
Overheard by: CMK
Archive for July, 2011
What with the Giant Electric Fence Around Manhattan and All
Drunk tourists to NYC guy: Thanks, bro! Hey, if you're ever in Columbus, Ohio we got you! (they stumble away)
NYC guy, turning back to girlfriend: Yeah… That will never happen.
–Outside Coyote Ugly, East Village
Overheard by: meli$$a
The International Wednesday One-Liner Fund
Man on phone: Fuck personal, this is business. You owe me six grand. I don't care how you get it, but you owe me, so you better start sucking some dick, you better start sniping people, I don't care! I want my money!
–181st St & Ft Washington Ave
30-something woman with thick Russian accent to 20-something guy: Two weeks later you get all money back, plus fifty percent.
–Bench, Union Square Park
Overheard by: Farley
Man on phone: It's amazing! A year ago, I didn't know the difference between an asset and an equity!
–4th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Sagehen
Ghetto teenager, holding five dollar bill, to friend: Come on, lend me a dollar, I don't want to break a big bill!
–Deli, Coney Island
Guy on cell: What do you mean you want all my money?
–Westside Market, 103rd & Broadway
Overheard by: boBob
Wednesimian One-Liners
Suit on phone: So the asshole is chewing me out and I said "Well, don't blame me! The monkey's butt was red when I got there!" Well, that shut him up, cause he knew I was talkin about him…
–Columbia
Overheard by: Smileythedog
Husband to wife, about towel with monkey design: That's a culturally biased rag, because it has monkeys on it.
–Target, Gateway Center
Overheard by: Scott Hutchins
Raspy hobo: Hey sweetheart, whatchya got in dat bag? A baby gorilla?
–Washington Square
Overheard by: Lisa
Excited little boy to dad: He looked like a huge gorilla with slimy skin, and he had a salamander face on his fingers!
–DeKalb Avenue, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Morning Glory
Girl: Just stop. Stop! Enough with the fucking monkeys!
–Khyber Pass Restaurant, St. Mark's Place
Wednesday One-Liners Are the New Normal
Young woman to female friend: So I said, "if you can't be normal all the time, I can't be with you."
–W 19th St
Overheard by: Michael
Mom to five-year-old climbing on railing: Yo, why you don't know how to juss sit down and chill like normal people? Sit yo-ass down, an chill!
–Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: rick
Tourist mom reading sign, to daughter: "Next to normal". Ha, that's nowhere near where we are!
–Shubert Alley
Older new-agey lady: One of my massage therapists is Buddhist. Actually, they're both Buddhist. But they're normal, you know, regular people… They're not Asian."
–Astor Place
Older sister to 12-year-old boy grunting like a pig and headbutting her: No biting! No nipping! Just… Normal?
–Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: Katherine Wallace
Wednesday One-Liners, As Seen on Lost
Drunk blonde girl on cell: I'm here! I'm here! I don't know where I am!
–St. Marks Place
Overheard by: Kristin
Guy on cell: I'm coming up Bedford, and… I don't know, on the corner of Bedford and Jews.
–Bedford & Heyward
High school boy on cell: Where am I at? I'm in morning… Uh, morning wood park.
–Morningside Park
Overheard by: wirehead
Teenage girl on cell: I don't know where I am … I'm just here!
–Sheridan Square
Wednesday Six-Feet-Under Liners
Reasonably clean cut man to another: So he was like, "I dunno what I'm gonna find when I walk in there. It's either gonna be dead bodies, or two people fucking." (pause) Turns out it was both…
–49th & 10th
Overheard by: Welcome to New Jack City
Short, skinny, strung-out white woman: Dead! Dead! Dead! Yo' mutha is so fuckin' dead, you niggaz! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead!
–2nd Ave & St Marks Place
Overheard by: Joe
Eight-year-old girl, walking away angrily: You know what else is good for your health? Not getting killed!
–Sunset Park
Overheard by: She *does* have a point.
Guy: I'm not saying I'd kill you, I'm just saying you'd die.
–10th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Shaul
Woman to boyfriend: Oh, Gun Hill Road… That's where my ex-boyfriend tried to murder me.
–5 Train
Overheard by: Ari
Middle aged man to 20-something man: And when he dies, we can all go out for whale sushi!
–5th Ave &14th St
A Good Salesman Could Sell One-Liners to a Wednesday
Harlem sidewalk hawker: Platinum jewelry, look me up! (crowd is silent) I got platinum jewelry, platinum! And white girls! I got it all!
–West 125th St.
Overheard by: Penelope
Subway huckster: Attention ladies and gentlemen. I have learned that if you can't find a job in this city, then you make one. I am selling gloves for one dollar. If one dollar is too much for you, I can be talked down to 99 cents, but I will be thinking bad things about you tonight. One size fits all. If they don't fit you, then you are one knuckle-draggin' neanderthal. (goes on to sell 50 pairs of gloves in 5 minutes)
–R Train,
Man selling whistles: Get your whistles here for one dollar! Safety on a string, baby, one dollar! (attractive girl walks by, he whistles) You need one, girl… It's summertime, people gettin' frisky up in this mother.
–60th & 2nd
Guy selling Obama condoms: Obama condoms! (pause, sees hot girl wearing purple scarf) Free demonstrations if you're wearing a purple scarf!
–Broadway & Spring
Man at vendor table: Sweaters! Two dollars! Two dollar sweaters! C'mon, people! Two dollar sweaters, nice sweaters too! (pauses) Okay, people, I'm about to raise these to ten dollars so get 'em now! Two dollar sweaters!
–Queens Blvd.
Chinese street vendor to absolutely nobody on crowded rush hour sidewalk: Fuck this shit!
–Canal St
Overheard by: lola
Wednesday's Clothes Are So Tight You Can See Her One-Liners
Very posh lady with silly hat to very posh lady with too much makeup: So they made this skirt for me, but they made it fit too perfect. I can't even walk up stairs. I feel like a geisha!
–Gramarcy Park
40-something woman to 20-something woman: Honey, if your body is a 6, but your panties are a size 12, never, ever, under any circumstances, wear a tube dress where the band is just hitting below where those horizontal stripes are, jiggling on that ass. The front looks great.
–Uptown A train
200-pound black woman to another: The only time I go commando is when it's 100 degrees out and I'm wearing a skirt.
–Grand Central
Overheard by: Brian Quinn
Ugly girl: If I wore a bathing suit to every single class I promise you I'd pass.
–Hunter College
Large mami in tight stretchy outfit: When I saw the snow this morning I said "dag! I gotta change." but Alicia needs to zip me up. I can't reach the zipper.
–Elevator, Midtown
Overheard by: CH
The Hills Are Alive with the Sounds Of Wednesday One-Liners…
Cheerful guy, singing: Oh, the shaaaaake shack is a little old place where we can… get a burger…
–Madison Square
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Stoned man with ukulele, to the tune of "Bohemian Rhapsody": Father… just killed my mom, put a gun against her head, pulled my trigger now she's dead…
–72nd St & CPW
Overheard by: stepping away from the platform edge
Little boy, singing out Jewish day school bus window: Oy-oy-oy-oy-oy-yoi-yoi! Oy-oy-oy-oy-yoi!
–76th St & West End Avenue
Overheard by: Suze V
Guy to friend, about Alicia Keys/Jay-Z song: That's not how that song goes! She doesn't sing: "concrete jungle with green tomatoes"!
–Grand Central Station
Overheard by: M.
Man walking down street, singing loudly: She's a maniac, maniac, my love. And she's dancing like she did when she was four.
–East Harlem
Overheard by: Sisk of China