Archive for July, 2011

Wednesdass Hole-Liners

Man, shouting across train platform to women on other side: You on the other train! You going to Woodlawn! Woodlawn's a man's asshole! –1 Train Overheard by: Going the other way Overly loud ghetto thug to 10-year-old white boy staring at him: Nigga, whatchu lookin' up my asshole fo?" –Bxm10 Express Bus Overheard by: rectur inspector Teen girl to friend: I'm not saying she's an asshole, I'm saying her brother's a jackoff. –Newkirk Ave Young woman: My son is a lot like me. My daughter is a lot like her father: an asshole. She's an asshole. Does that sound terrible, that I call my two-year-old daughter an asshole? –1 Train Overheard by: Rose Fox

Wednesday Can-Be-Taken-More-Than-One-Way Liners

Woman in the middle of cell phone call, entering crowded elevator: Well, I am leaving work right now, and barring any unforeseen problems, I will be able to take you both ways tonight! –Elevator, 30 Rockefeller Plaza Overheard by: Michael Small child holding on to dad's arm for support on train: I'll just hold on to your meaty pole. –Uptown C Train Overheard by: K Grandmother to table: I don't care if it's big! I just don't want it shriveled up. –Buddy's Deli, Glen Oaks Overheard by: Howie Teacher, about flash drive: Why do I have to lie on the floor to get this thing in… Can somebody do it for me please? –Bronx High School of Science, History Class Overheard by: urbanadventurer British student taking picture of statue: I'm going to take it from behind. –The Met

Squeaky-Clean Wednesday One-Liners

Father on cell: When I come home, you're going to be shamwowed. –4th st & Ave A 7th grade Asian girl: My mom hasn't done laundry in, like, forever. I'm wearing my bathing suit under this. –Hunter College High School College girl, out of nowhere: They should really get soap on a rope in prison. I mean, wouldn't that help people if they are always dropping the soap? –NJ Transit Woman on phone: Kids have to be in bed by 9:30, but at 9:00 they must be in hot water, bathing and soaking their penises. –40th St & 6th Ave Overheard by: Michelle

Boys Are Just Accessories to Her.

Girl: Oh, I like your Irish necklace!
Guy: Here, you can have it.
Girl: Oh, wow, thanks! Now ill never forget you, Kevin!
Guy: It's Evan. –Outside of Bodega, Astoria

A Studio Apartment Is Not a Dance Studio Apartment

Seven-year-old boy #1: When I grow up I want a three-bedroom apartment.
Seven-year-old boy #2: Yeah, I'm gonna have a whole room just for food.
Seven-year-old boy #3: I'm gonna have a room just for dancing.
Seven-year-old boy #1: But you don't dance now. You hate dancing.
Seven-year-old boy #3: If I had a room to do it in, I'd dance. –111th & Broadway Overheard by: Meredith K.

…And It's Not Like Diseases Ever Have a Cure.

Student #1: I can't go to your party. We're going to an anti-war rally
Student #2: I have a question. What does it mean to be anti-war?
Student #1: It means you're anti-war.
Student #2: I know, but… What does it do? I could be anti-cancer, but shit's still gonna happen. –Hunter College Overheard by: Andrea

Stupid Planet

Boy: Look, it's the ground! (starts hitting sidewalk with small baseball bat)
Girl: Look, it's raining! Kill the sky! –81st & Columbus

I Would Be If He'd Stop Calling Me

Suit #1: So he didn't take anything else?
Suit #2: No, he just smashed in the window and stole his iPhone.
Suit #1: Did he shit in the glove box?
Suit #2: No.
Suit #1: Then you should be thankful. –Shake Shack