Archive for July, 2011

When Wednesday Met One-Liner…

Barnard freshman: My standards for an attractive guy have lowered so much since I got here that I'll now date anyone with a penis-like protrusion.

–Outside Psi U House, 114th & Broadway

Coworker: Relationships are not just rainbows and unicorns and bacon and puppies and sriracha sauce, you know!

–52nd & 6th Ave

Overheard by: simon

Girl to friend: My one and only internet date was a satanist. In the end, it wasn't so much that he was a satanist, as that he always had to be right.

–Greenpoint, Brooklyn

Girl in bathroom at bar: I hate being in relationships and dating guys! It's so complicated and pointless… Like when I dissected a frog in bio! Oh, wait… I don't think I've ever dissected a frog, shit! I don't know what it's like then, but it sucks!

–Midtown

Ivy league student: No, we have a "grinding is okay" clause in our relationship contract.


–Ave A & 2nd St


Girl to guy: No, you are not going to start swinging tonight. We are on a date!

–Bedford & North 6th

Overheard by: Amanda


Wednesdass Hole-Liners

Man, shouting across train platform to women on other side: You on the other train! You going to Woodlawn! Woodlawn's a man's asshole!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Going the other way

Overly loud ghetto thug to 10-year-old white boy staring at him: Nigga, whatchu lookin' up my asshole fo?"

–Bxm10 Express Bus

Overheard by: rectur inspector

Teen girl to friend: I'm not saying she's an asshole, I'm saying her brother's a jackoff.

–Newkirk Ave

Young woman: My son is a lot like me. My daughter is a lot like her father: an asshole. She's an asshole. Does that sound terrible, that I call my two-year-old daughter an asshole?

–1 Train

Overheard by: Rose Fox


Wednesday Can-Be-Taken-More-Than-One-Way Liners

Woman in the middle of cell phone call, entering crowded elevator: Well, I am leaving work right now, and barring any unforeseen problems, I will be able to take you both ways tonight!

–Elevator, 30 Rockefeller Plaza

Overheard by: Michael

Small child holding on to dad's arm for support on train: I'll just hold on to your meaty pole.

–Uptown C Train

Overheard by: K

Grandmother to table: I don't care if it's big! I just don't want it shriveled up.

–Buddy's Deli, Glen Oaks

Overheard by: Howie

Teacher, about flash drive: Why do I have to lie on the floor to get this thing in… Can somebody do it for me please?

–Bronx High School of Science, History Class

Overheard by: urbanadventurer

British student taking picture of statue: I'm going to take it from behind.

–The Met


Squeaky-Clean Wednesday One-Liners

Father on cell: When I come home, you're going to be shamwowed.

–4th st & Ave A

7th grade Asian girl: My mom hasn't done laundry in, like, forever. I'm wearing my bathing suit under this.

–Hunter College High School

College girl, out of nowhere: They should really get soap on a rope in prison. I mean, wouldn't that help people if they are always dropping the soap?

–NJ Transit

Woman on phone: Kids have to be in bed by 9:30, but at 9:00 they must be in hot water, bathing and soaking their penises.

–40th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Michelle


Boys Are Just Accessories to Her.

Girl: Oh, I like your Irish necklace!
Guy: Here, you can have it.
Girl: Oh, wow, thanks! Now ill never forget you, Kevin!
Guy: It's Evan.

–Outside of Bodega, Astoria


A Studio Apartment Is Not a Dance Studio Apartment

Seven-year-old boy #1: When I grow up I want a three-bedroom apartment.
Seven-year-old boy #2: Yeah, I'm gonna have a whole room just for food.
Seven-year-old boy #3: I'm gonna have a room just for dancing.
Seven-year-old boy #1: But you don't dance now. You hate dancing.
Seven-year-old boy #3: If I had a room to do it in, I'd dance.

–111th & Broadway

Overheard by: Meredith K.


…And It's Not Like Diseases Ever Have a Cure.

Student #1: I can't go to your party. We're going to an anti-war rally
Student #2: I have a question. What does it mean to be anti-war?
Student #1: It means you're anti-war.
Student #2: I know, but… What does it do? I could be anti-cancer, but shit's still gonna happen.

–Hunter College

Overheard by: Andrea


Stupid Planet

Boy: Look, it's the ground! (starts hitting sidewalk with small baseball bat)
Girl: Look, it's raining! Kill the sky!

–81st & Columbus