Archive for July, 2011

…Now Where's That Kid With My Latte?

Tourist #1 to another stopping at subway entrance: Come on!
Tourist #2: Yeah, come on, Mary!
Tourist #3: Aunt Mary, you can mingle with the inhabitants.
Tourist #1: Mary, the mayor takes the subway.
Mary: Well, the mayor takes a private jet too, but you don't see me doing that either, do you?

–103rd St & Broadway


You Have a Face?

Older man: Excuse me, but you are just beautiful.
Beautiful, big-buxomed woman: How would you know? You haven't seen my face yet.

–Mulberry b/w Spring & Prince


Another Reason to Love New York, Dear Reader

Loud New Jersey tourist to group of loud New Jersey friends: Look, (points) it's the Cooper Union!
Loud New Jersey friends: What's that?
Loud New Jersey tourist: I dunno, but that's what it says on the door.

–Cooper Union


Embrace Your Mediocrity

Girl: Why do my friends say I'm a hipster? I am not a hipster!!
Guy: No, you're not a hipster at all. You shower every day.
Girl: Exactly! So what am I?
Guy: You're just a semi-productive person.

–1st Ave & 10th St


And It Goes With My Top

Man to friend: What's with the man bag?
Friend: It's not a man purse, it's a satchel!

–NYU Medical Center

Overheard by: Anthony


…for Dinner.

Teenage girl #1: It's not like I'm a cougar!
Teenage girl #2: You're only fifteen–how could you be a cougar?
Teenage girl #1: I mean, I like older men.

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Graceful Space


…The Last One I Paid Attention To, Then

70-something mother: He got his legs blown off and his arm cut off in the war.
30-something son: Which war?
70-something mother: The last one.
30-something son: Mom, he's in his late 60s.
70-something mother: So?

–Crossbay Boulevard & 163rd St


On Weekends, Wednesday One-Liners Ride the Bus

Conductor: This is the one train goin' Express Express Express! From 137th Street to 96th Street. I repeat, Express to 96th Street. If someone next to you is wearin' headphones and they music is blarin' and you think they did not hear this announcement, kindly nudge them on the shoulder and enlighten them. Due to necessary track work, this train is goin' what now? Express! Express! Express! That's right, yeah you heard me. Express to 96th Street. Woo! You ready, my friends?! Here we go! Here we go! Here we goooo! Oh, and stand clear of the closing doors. Come on now, I'm ready to go.

–1 train

Overheard by: enlightened

Conductor: This is 9th Street. Transfer is available for the f train at the front of the platform by taking a ridiculously long staircase.

–9th St & 4th Ave

Overheard by: Marcin W

Conductor, over loudspeaker: Do you guys really have to hum to each other in front of everybody like that?

–Metro North

Overheard by: Tim

Train conductor: Attention passengers! 149th St. & Grand Concourse is the laaaast stop. You heard that? The laaaaaaaaast stop! That's right. Enjoy your Wednesday!

–2 Train

Overheard by: Joseph

Announcement on loudspeaker: Ladies and gentlemen, this is not Times Square.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Dawn Duffey


Walt Whitman's Leaves Of Wednesday One-Liners

Man to woman: I's seen Kansas, man. All it is all sunflowers and sons of bitches.

–Near Delancey & Essex

Park employee, shouting to crowd: The bathrooms are closing in 30 minutes! If you gotta go, go now! (pause) The trees? They stay open all night!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Anne McDermott

Drunk guy: I feel like a million miles of dead roses.

–1 Train

Father to three-year-old son, looking at flowers: Look at all the heroin poppies, Sammy!

–Verdi Square

Mom to baby eating grass: No, sweetie, we don't eat grass. We smoke it.

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: Natalya & Mickey