Archive for August, 2011

European Wednesday One-Liners

Man with Bluetooth, yelling: What does it matter? One pee hole is just like any other pee hole! –103rd & Broadway Student: What did you do, jump in your piss? –Bronx High School of Science Overheard by: urbanadventurer Boy to aunt: Can you explain something to me? How do girls manage to pee on the seat? –Starbucks Elegant suit: I mean, how am I supposed to walk in the club and have my swag on when I gotta pee like a racehorse? –10th St & Ave A 30-something tall woman on cell: How do you go from missionary style to peeing in the mouth? Are you kidding me? –Leroy & 7th Overheard by: MA

Wednesday One-Liners Out the Wazoo

40-something man on cell: You can't take a dollar out of my ass and put it into your own ass, you bitch. You can't! (pause) I'm sorry, you bitch. –Astoria Guy to friend: And then I just stuck my fingers in her ass. –13th St b/w 2nd &nd 1st 40-something to friend: I'm gonna fuck that fuckin' pussy and put my thumb up in her butthole. –Central Park Short balding fat tattooed guy in gym lockers: How the hell did I get glitter up my ass??!! –New York Sports Club locker room – 59th/Park Overheard by: jason

Wednesday One-Liners Prefer Gym, Tan, Laundry

Woman examining long hair on her chin: I'm gonna pluck this sucker! –Ikea Cafeteria, Brooklyn Overheard by: J Preteen skater boy to preteen skater friends: I don't want to go to a shitty spa, I want to go to a good spa. –10th St & Ave A Overheard by: TeddySmalls Drunk girl in bathroom to friends: Like, okay, I really can't be too hungover for tomorrow. I have to get my hair bleached. –Irish Exit, 52nd & 2nd Overheard by: alicia Waxer, waving brightly at departing client: Bye bye! Sorry about the torture! –Day Spa, 33rd St. Overheard by: Ladle

Would You Like It As a Suppository?

Preppy-looking 30-something, pointing to the rice: Ew! What is that green stuff?
Underpaid Chipotle employee: It's cilantro.
Preppy-looking 30-something: I don't even know what that is. Why would you put that there? –Chipotle, Union Square Overheard by: shorty j

Openly-Gay-Bishop-Having Motherfuckers

Husband: It's air-conditioned in here!
Wife: Jesus Christ, not so loud! It's a church, for god's sake.
Husband, after long pause: This isn't a catholic church, is it?
Wife: Really? Then what the hell are we doing here? (they get up and leave) –Trinity Church Overheard by: E. Driscoll

I Suppose I Could Just Hurt Their Feelings

Pretty girl #1: I swear I would make such a good spy…
Pretty girl #2: You could like, kill people?
Pretty girl #1: Well, if I could get over the killing part. All that blood…
Pretty girl #2: Yeah, blood's kind of icky… –Natural History Museum

Americans Will Obey Anyone in High Heels and a Beehive

Man in line waiting for bus during rush hour: Oh, great! Here comes the guy who's always helping people.
Man in high heels, shouting orders: We need three more people on this bus! (pause) Suitcases coming through! (pause) Are you waiting for the 162? Yes? Good, then stay right here! –Port Authority Bus Terminal

If She Owns a Set Of Reusable Shopping Bags, I'll Faint

Guy #1: Yo, there's some fat asses up in this mufucker.
Guy #2: You right. You right.
Guy #1: I always figured the grocery store was the best place to bag a bitch. She'll take of your family, she'll take care of your finances, and she got a fat ass. That's a triple threat, son. –Super Stop and Shop, Flatbush Ave, Brooklyn

What a Penetrating Question.

Young woman dashing into sex toy shop: Do you have any cigarettes? Marlboro lights?
Proprietor: Uh… No.
Male customer: This isn't that kind of store!
Young woman: Ha ha, I see now, you sell dildos! But why would you want a dildo if you don't have a cigarette after? –14th St Overheard by: Rose Fox