Archive for August, 2011

Mom and Dad Won't Let Him Watch Swamp People

Wide-eyed kid, looking at caiman (small crocodile): It's a shark!
Tall kid, in awed voice: I's not a shark, it's a dinosaur!

–New York Aquarium

Overheard by: Woman who thought it was the best conversation ever


Life's a Lot Easier When You Assume Positive Intent

Young Asian guy: Are those new shoes?
Older Asian guy: Yeah, I got them at the Nike outlet store. $39.00.
Young Asian guy, impressed: Not bad for $40.00.
Older Asian guy: No, they were $39.00.
Young Asian chick: You mean $39.99?
Older Asian guy: Yeah, $39.99.
Young Asian guy, sarcastic: Well, they *look* like $40.00 shoes.
Older Asian guy, not getting the joke: Thank you!

–Uptown Q Train

Overheard by: Hopita


Wow, I'm Even Smarter Than I Thought

Little kid: Mom, what language they speak in England?
Mother: English.
Little kid: How do you say “hi” in English?
Mother: “Hi”, you are speaking English.

–85th St & Amsterdam Ave


No Need to Get Snippy.

Muslim customer: You know you will convert, all that matters is that you do it before you die.
Jewish barber: Hey, about how you becoming Jewish… Yeah, I didn't think so.

–Whitney Ave & Broadway Barber Shop

Overheard by: DemocraticGrup


That's Not What “Baby Steps” Means!

Woman #1: Why did you tell them people I walked all over the baby?
Woman #2: You did walk all over the baby! I didn't tell them people anything that wasn't true!
Woman #1: I didn't walk all over the baby, I stepped on the baby.

–PATH


You Can See Wednesday's One-Liners from the Back

Girl on phone with mom: It was the worst day of my life! Ducky and Phil were both in the car smoking, thinking they were above the law and shit. And I know the cops were just questioning me because I had big boobs.

–1 Train

Girl: Hold on, you're garotting your boob.

–170th St & Audubon Ave

Large black woman on cell phone: It doesn't my fault he was sucking on my titties in the club…

–Penn Station

Gay design student to female friend: You'll get to meet Ryan, the guy I have a crush on. He's doing the costume designs, so he's gonna touch your boobs and stuff. Get excited.

–Union Square

Skinny black dude on cell entering office tower: Yes, youse is fat… But you got big soft titties.

–54th & 6th

Overheard by: Gregorian Chant


Wednesday One-Liners (Sing Along If You Know the Words)

20-something hipster girl: They're making a mix tape, and to be honest I'm a little jealous I'm not a part of it.

–Union Square

Overheard by: ttench

Very pretty and petite, professionally-dressed coworker: The cover band didn't perform Incubus very well, which was highly disappointing.

–W 38th St

Dad to eight-year-old: UC Santa Cruz, Sophie, I think is where the Grateful Dead archives are kept.

–Sterling Place, Park Slope

Overheard by: Chloe

Clueless yuppie-cholo singing Let It Be): I could have been the fifth Beatle. If I was 30 years older. And dead. Like John.

–N Train

Overheard by: erkal

Teenage girl: Why does Santa Claus remind me of John Denver?

–L Train

Chick, reading laptop: Oh man! Ke$ha and I have even more in common than I thought: "Right before I go onstage, I lather my body in baby oil and cover my entire body with a shield of glitter. Because it just pops!"

–Mercer & 4th

Overheard by: Hunter Freyer


You Can Shove Your Wednesday One-Liners Where the Sun Don't Shine!

Teen girl to friend: My poem is "Santa Claus is coming to town." It's all about anal!

–Nice Guy Eddie's

Boyfriend to girlfriend: Look, I know you love anal sex, but…

–23rd & Broadway

Young suit to another: Tell her you've had anal with hotter chicks with a better attitude…

–Hairy Monk, 25th & 3rd

Overheard by: Francis

Guy deep in conversation, looking up and sniffing: Smells like anal sex.

–30 Rock


European Wednesday One-Liners

Man with Bluetooth, yelling: What does it matter? One pee hole is just like any other pee hole!

–103rd & Broadway

Student: What did you do, jump in your piss?

–Bronx High School of Science

Overheard by: urbanadventurer

Boy to aunt: Can you explain something to me? How do girls manage to pee on the seat?

–Starbucks

Elegant suit: I mean, how am I supposed to walk in the club and have my swag on when I gotta pee like a racehorse?

–10th St & Ave A

30-something tall woman on cell: How do you go from missionary style to peeing in the mouth? Are you kidding me?

–Leroy & 7th

Overheard by: MA