Archive for August, 2011

I Suppose I Could Just Hurt Their Feelings

Pretty girl #1: I swear I would make such a good spy…
Pretty girl #2: You could like, kill people?
Pretty girl #1: Well, if I could get over the killing part. All that blood…
Pretty girl #2: Yeah, blood's kind of icky…

–Natural History Museum


College: Encapsulated.

College guy #1: Dude, I was wasted last night.
College guy #2: Nah, dude, I was so wasted last night.
College guy #1: No, dude. I was wasted last night.
College guy #2: Dude. I was wasted. Like wassteddddd.
College guy #1: Dude, I was definitely more wasted than you.
College guy #2: Whatever, man.

–Broadway & Prince


Americans Will Obey Anyone in High Heels and a Beehive

Man in line waiting for bus during rush hour: Oh, great! Here comes the guy who's always helping people.
Man in high heels, shouting orders: We need three more people on this bus! (pause) Suitcases coming through! (pause) Are you waiting for the 162? Yes? Good, then stay right here!

–Port Authority Bus Terminal


If She Owns a Set Of Reusable Shopping Bags, I'll Faint

Guy #1: Yo, there's some fat asses up in this mufucker.
Guy #2: You right. You right.
Guy #1: I always figured the grocery store was the best place to bag a bitch. She'll take of your family, she'll take care of your finances, and she got a fat ass. That's a triple threat, son.

–Super Stop and Shop, Flatbush Ave, Brooklyn


What a Penetrating Question.

Young woman dashing into sex toy shop: Do you have any cigarettes? Marlboro lights?
Proprietor: Uh… No.
Male customer: This isn't that kind of store!
Young woman: Ha ha, I see now, you sell dildos! But why would you want a dildo if you don't have a cigarette after?

–14th St

Overheard by: Rose Fox


It Was Like a Circuit Party in My Mouth!

Guy #1: And then we went over to the Starbursts and got a, ya know… a… Jumbo latex frittata.
Guy #2, perplexed: A what?! (pause) No, actually, never mind, don't explain it.

–53rd & 6th

Overheard by: Rochel


Wedne$day One-Liner$

Four-year-old being pushed by nanny in 100-degree heat: I'm gonna be rich forever!

–E 63rd & 2nd Ave

European man to friend: I knew she was classy, I could tell by the look of her luggage.

–50th & 6th

Suit on cell: Actually, it's not that expensive to buy a tiger…

–11th b/w 2nd & 3rd

Overheard by: Mattchew

Lady who lunches: I went on a cruise to China, so you know, I've seen the third world.

–French Roast, West Village

Obese goth boyfriend with curly red hair to obese goth girlfriend holding huge ice cream: If I ever get rich, I am going to buy you a church. (they walk away in silence)

–2nd Ave & 7th St


WednesNRA One-Liners

50-something man to friends: Tequila… I don't drink tequila! Last time I drank tequila, I ended up in a gun fight. And I didn't have a gun.

–Bar, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Not Drinking Tequila

Suit to another: Did I tell you the machine-gun story? Last night, while I was at work…

–Houston & Bowery

Overheard by: Gemalina McFly

Man to another: I am glad you came with me so you can be a witness when they try to shoot me.

–Union Square Park

Police officer to another: Is the guy in the coonskin hat authorized to carry a musket on the subway?

–67th St & Park Ave

Overheard by: hngryDavy

Eight-year-old boy, pointing at mannequin: Die, fashion lady! Bang! Bang! Bang!

–Kohl's, Queens

Overheard by: Stako


WednesNRA One-Liners

50-something man to friends: Tequila… I don't drink tequila! Last time I drank tequila, I ended up in a gun fight. And I didn't have a gun.

–Bar, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Not Drinking Tequila

Suit to another: Did I tell you the machine-gun story? Last night, while I was at work…

–Houston & Bowery

Overheard by: Gemalina McFly

Man to another: I am glad you came with me so you can be a witness when they try to shoot me.

–Union Square Park

Police officer to another: Is the guy in the coonskin hat authorized to carry a musket on the subway?

–67th St & Park Ave

Overheard by: hngryDavy

Eight-year-old boy, pointing at mannequin: Die, fashion lady! Bang! Bang! Bang!

–Kohl's, Queens

Overheard by: Stako