Archive for August, 2011

Wednesday One-Liners Out the Wazoo

40-something man on cell: You can't take a dollar out of my ass and put it into your own ass, you bitch. You can't! (pause) I'm sorry, you bitch.

–Astoria

Guy to friend: And then I just stuck my fingers in her ass.

–13th St b/w 2nd &nd 1st

40-something to friend: I'm gonna fuck that fuckin' pussy and put my thumb up in her butthole.

–Central Park

Short balding fat tattooed guy in gym lockers: How the hell did I get glitter up my ass??!!

–New York Sports Club locker room – 59th/Park

Overheard by: jason


Wednesday One-Liners Prefer Gym, Tan, Laundry

Woman examining long hair on her chin: I'm gonna pluck this sucker!

–Ikea Cafeteria, Brooklyn

Overheard by: J

Preteen skater boy to preteen skater friends: I don't want to go to a shitty spa, I want to go to a good spa.

–10th St & Ave A

Overheard by: TeddySmalls

Drunk girl in bathroom to friends: Like, okay, I really can't be too hungover for tomorrow. I have to get my hair bleached.

–Irish Exit, 52nd & 2nd

Overheard by: alicia

Waxer, waving brightly at departing client: Bye bye! Sorry about the torture!

–Day Spa, 33rd St.

Overheard by: Ladle


Would You Like It As a Suppository?

Preppy-looking 30-something, pointing to the rice: Ew! What is that green stuff?
Underpaid Chipotle employee: It's cilantro.
Preppy-looking 30-something: I don't even know what that is. Why would you put that there?

–Chipotle, Union Square

Overheard by: shorty j


Openly-Gay-Bishop-Having Motherfuckers

Husband: It's air-conditioned in here!
Wife: Jesus Christ, not so loud! It's a church, for god's sake.
Husband, after long pause: This isn't a catholic church, is it?
Wife: Really? Then what the hell are we doing here? (they get up and leave)

–Trinity Church

Overheard by: E. Driscoll


Bitch Stole Our Headline.

Enthusiastic cowboy-hat wearing teen tourist, indicating subway car: We need one a these in Texas!
Friend, sullenly: We got no place to go in Texas.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Harriet Vane


One Sip Left My Whole Mouth Burning!

Gay guy #1: I wanna try something new, maybe a white chocolate mocha…
Gay guy #2: I tried a white chocolate mocha once… His name was Pierre! Ooooh, score one for me!

–Starbucks, 14th St & 8th Ave


I Suppose I Could Just Hurt Their Feelings

Pretty girl #1: I swear I would make such a good spy…
Pretty girl #2: You could like, kill people?
Pretty girl #1: Well, if I could get over the killing part. All that blood…
Pretty girl #2: Yeah, blood's kind of icky…

–Natural History Museum


College: Encapsulated.

College guy #1: Dude, I was wasted last night.
College guy #2: Nah, dude, I was so wasted last night.
College guy #1: No, dude. I was wasted last night.
College guy #2: Dude. I was wasted. Like wassteddddd.
College guy #1: Dude, I was definitely more wasted than you.
College guy #2: Whatever, man.

–Broadway & Prince


Americans Will Obey Anyone in High Heels and a Beehive

Man in line waiting for bus during rush hour: Oh, great! Here comes the guy who's always helping people.
Man in high heels, shouting orders: We need three more people on this bus! (pause) Suitcases coming through! (pause) Are you waiting for the 162? Yes? Good, then stay right here!

–Port Authority Bus Terminal