Archive for August, 2011

One Sip Left My Whole Mouth Burning!

Gay guy #1: I wanna try something new, maybe a white chocolate mocha…
Gay guy #2: I tried a white chocolate mocha once… His name was Pierre! Ooooh, score one for me!

–Starbucks, 14th St & 8th Ave


I Suppose I Could Just Hurt Their Feelings

Pretty girl #1: I swear I would make such a good spy…
Pretty girl #2: You could like, kill people?
Pretty girl #1: Well, if I could get over the killing part. All that blood…
Pretty girl #2: Yeah, blood's kind of icky…

–Natural History Museum


College: Encapsulated.

College guy #1: Dude, I was wasted last night.
College guy #2: Nah, dude, I was so wasted last night.
College guy #1: No, dude. I was wasted last night.
College guy #2: Dude. I was wasted. Like wassteddddd.
College guy #1: Dude, I was definitely more wasted than you.
College guy #2: Whatever, man.

–Broadway & Prince


Americans Will Obey Anyone in High Heels and a Beehive

Man in line waiting for bus during rush hour: Oh, great! Here comes the guy who's always helping people.
Man in high heels, shouting orders: We need three more people on this bus! (pause) Suitcases coming through! (pause) Are you waiting for the 162? Yes? Good, then stay right here!

–Port Authority Bus Terminal


If She Owns a Set Of Reusable Shopping Bags, I'll Faint

Guy #1: Yo, there's some fat asses up in this mufucker.
Guy #2: You right. You right.
Guy #1: I always figured the grocery store was the best place to bag a bitch. She'll take of your family, she'll take care of your finances, and she got a fat ass. That's a triple threat, son.

–Super Stop and Shop, Flatbush Ave, Brooklyn


What a Penetrating Question.

Young woman dashing into sex toy shop: Do you have any cigarettes? Marlboro lights?
Proprietor: Uh… No.
Male customer: This isn't that kind of store!
Young woman: Ha ha, I see now, you sell dildos! But why would you want a dildo if you don't have a cigarette after?

–14th St

Overheard by: Rose Fox


It Was Like a Circuit Party in My Mouth!

Guy #1: And then we went over to the Starbursts and got a, ya know… a… Jumbo latex frittata.
Guy #2, perplexed: A what?! (pause) No, actually, never mind, don't explain it.

–53rd & 6th

Overheard by: Rochel


“Wednesday,” from the Ancient Greek Meaning “One-Liner”

Thug: Yo, why you gotta be so introspective, bro?

–Union Square

College guy, to five-year-old girl while on cell: Stop talking, you're spitting chocolate everywhere. Anyway, what I was saying is it has to be a metaphysical process…

–Cafe near Fordham University

Overheard by: Stephanie

Student to friend: I have a metaphysical hangover.

–Library, Sarah Lawrence College

Overheard by: Knudt

High school student to friend: "Retroactive," that's like when you do something backwards.

–D Train

Overachieving high school student: If you need a harmony minion, I'm your girl.

–M96 Crosstown Bus


Wedne$day One-Liner$

Four-year-old being pushed by nanny in 100-degree heat: I'm gonna be rich forever!

–E 63rd & 2nd Ave

European man to friend: I knew she was classy, I could tell by the look of her luggage.

–50th & 6th

Suit on cell: Actually, it's not that expensive to buy a tiger…

–11th b/w 2nd & 3rd

Overheard by: Mattchew

Lady who lunches: I went on a cruise to China, so you know, I've seen the third world.

–French Roast, West Village

Obese goth boyfriend with curly red hair to obese goth girlfriend holding huge ice cream: If I ever get rich, I am going to buy you a church. (they walk away in silence)

–2nd Ave & 7th St