Archive for September, 2011

Wifesday One-Liners

Girl checking cell: Sharon just texted me telling me she's engorged. (phone beeps) Oh, she meant "engaged." Either way, good for her.

–NYU Bobst Library

Overheard by: Lotte

60-year-old woman, on Chelsea Clinton wedding: She's not that attractive; they were lucky to marry her off.

–79th St & 1st

Young woman: She can't get deported, she is my hair stylist. I need to find a man to marry her!

–D Train

Overheard by: Emm

Hobo, eavesdropping on two female suits talking about relationships: He don't wanna marry you? Hit him over the head with a shovel!

–Financial District


Wednesday Eight-Sided-Dice Liners

Bearded nerd walking into comic book store: Don't even start arguing with me about Star Wars, man. You're not gonna win.

–Forbidden Planet, Union Square

Comic-Con goer: I don't think I could eat a pikachu.

–Jacob K. Javits Center, Midtown

Nerdy girl on cell: I don't care how good you are at black ops! I'm screwing a dungeon master, that gives me twice as much nerd cred as you!

–Grand Central

Nerd guy: My type is basically anyone who is flirting with me.

–Park Ave & 26th St

Overheard by: Ted


Wednesday Womb-Liners

Middle-aged woman: I've had three pregnancies so far this year!

–Union Square

Classy gal to friend: I said, "listen bitch, I would beat you up, but you're fucking pregnant!"

–Forest Hills

Overheard by: astoria mets fan

Ghetto girl to another: I don't know how it happened! He pulls out all the time!

–Uptown 1 Train

Overheard by: Chris Harmison

Overweight girl: I wish I was pregnant again. They treat you special when you're pregnant.

–W 39th St


Macy's Got TARP Money?

Shoe store clerk to old man: Can I get you anything?
Old man: A million bucks!

–Macy's Herald Square

Overheard by: Sarah Chalek


Larry Craig's Pick-Up Lingo Gets More Cryptic Every Year

Drunk in bathroom to guys at urinals: You have any gum?
(one by one, everyone at each respective urinal says no)
Drunk, yelling in disappointment
: Man! This is a gumless place! (walks out)


–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Walter macIndoe


You're Not Fooling Anybody– They're Just Afraid Of You

Big biker dude: I figured out how to get through all the people at intersections.
Biker friend: How's that?
Big biker dude: I just bitch real loud about tourists, and everyone thinks I'm a cranky New Yorker and moves out of the way and lets me through.
Biker friend: Dude, you're fresh off the boat from Idaho.
Big biker dude: I know! They don't, and New Yorkers smile at me. People are idiots.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Gazoo