Archive for September, 2011

…Stop Guilting Me!

Bag lady, yelling: Get up off me, yo, I ain't got nothin'!
Hobo, calmly: It ain't about you got, man. It's about what I got.
Bag lady: Why do I got to split half with you, yo? You don't give me nothin'!
Hobo: Man, why you keep goin on about that?
Bag lady: Yo you don't give me nothin'. You don't even take me to the clinic. I got mad skin conditions! I don't even know how you fuck me, yo!
Hobo: Shit, man…

–A Train

Overheard by: Juan Chung


Speaking Of Funny, Did I Mention That My Period's Late?

Hip girl sitting on bench: Look at that sign he has! (points at a man carrying a “$1 for a joke” sign) I wonder if he has good jokes?
Hip boyfriend: What if he just said “Joke's on you for giving me a dollar”? That'd be so funny!

–Central Park


She's Inspired Me to Go Back to Bed

Woman to man, watching woman pace up and down, clapping hands in front of Baptist church: What does she think she's doing? Man, that lady's got issues.
Man: And so early in the morning, too!

–188th St & Fordham Rd

Overheard by: Eternal Student


Gorilla: Fucking Bronx

Little boy: Hey, gorilla! I have two words for you–soap.
Dad: That's one word.

–Bronx Zoo

Overheard by: Melissa


WorkingGirlsday One-Liners

Caribbean nanny to three-year-old girl sitting with legs crossed: Close your legs! You look like a prostitute.

–St. Nicholas Park

Overheard by: othernanny

20-something girl on cell: Just because she graduated college doesn't mean she's not a prostitute.

–14th St & 8th Ave

English teacher: Welcome to BHSEC. We're all prostitutes.

–Bard High School Early College, Queens

20-something girl to group of friends: Basically, I was a hooker.

–PATH Train

Overheard by: Mschuw


Wednesday One-Lions and Tigers and Bears– Oh My!

Giant guy on cell: Yeah, so then I had to undress in front of the biggest goddamn spider in the world. I swear it was judging my dick. (pause) You think my wife'll be pissed?

–Outside Central Park Precinct

Man on cell: Have the camels gone under the mountain?

–45th & 6th

Chatty woman tourist: Well, we see ants all the time… at our hotel!

–Ant Exhibit, Rain Forest, Central Park Zoo

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Woman, about going to Africa: We'll take the dogs with us and feed them to the lions.

–1250 Broadway

High school girl: I used to think Easter was because a bunny ate a rabbit.

–Seasonal Aisle, Rite Aid


How Many Wednesday One-Liners in a Gallon?

Respectable-looking father to very young daughter: I drink it all the time… I love Four Loko, shit gets you fucked up.

–Upper West Side

Overheard by: Jaz

50-something suit: If I need a break from alcohol, I drink water. And by water I mean beer. And by beer I mean whiskey. And by whiskey I mean vodka.

–9th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Keith

Man, eating: You know, I don't really like to drink water… I mean, it's okay.

–Chinatown

Thug: Yo, does anyone have any water? I got mad Loko on my hands and mad Loko on my shoes.

–Central Park, The Ramble

Young girl walking really fast: I know he's gay! But he's open to artificial insemination or copious amounts of vodka.

–39th St & 6th Ave


Wednesday One-Liners Don't Want No Scrub.

Mom to children: Don't touch the building! This is a very dirty city! You are going to get really, really sick!

–Herald Square

Middle aged Italian guy to lady friend on bench: I have a bidet, a portable one where you flip it on and it goes under you and it cleans you. I don't like being dirty.

–7th Ave & 9th St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Jon

Angry middle aged woman: Anne, when you've got a minute… I'm covered in grease.

–49th & 7th

Female conductor, over PA system: Do not put your feet on the seats, people! These are seats, not footrests–and you are not the only one who rides this train! You think other passengers wanna sit in the dirt offa your shoes? God, I can't believe I even hafta be tellin' you this!

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Morning Glory


WednesDEA One-Liners

Woman waiting for bus at 6:30 am: And he had the nerve to say that I was the biggest drug dealer on the Lower East Side. Me! He only saw me do drugs once!

–Broadway & Rutgers St

Middle-aged guy: Come on, let's go in and check out the first floor at least… This is the place I used to get high at when I was young!

–Limelight Market

Ultra-orthodox Jewish kid to friend: These days I only eat kosher when I'm high.

–42nd St & 5th

Overheard by: Kate

Hot 20-something in mini skirt, on cell: It's what I was trying to get at the other night: you're more than just a dealer to me.

–6th Ave & 16th St

Overheard by: gina

20-something on cell: So I was a waiter, but then I started shooting heroin…

–Broadway & 90th St

Cute Latina girl on cell: I jus' call Antwone's baby mommy, she flippin' out, thirty-ass bitch (pause) Yeah, Antwone's baby mommy… I'm like, "don't you know your manners, you drug-dealer bitch?"

–Stanton & Clinton