Archive for September, 2011

Gorilla: Fucking Bronx

Little boy: Hey, gorilla! I have two words for you–soap.
Dad: That's one word. –Bronx Zoo Overheard by: Melissa

WorkingGirlsday One-Liners

Caribbean nanny to three-year-old girl sitting with legs crossed: Close your legs! You look like a prostitute. –St. Nicholas Park Overheard by: othernanny 20-something girl on cell: Just because she graduated college doesn't mean she's not a prostitute. –14th St & 8th Ave English teacher: Welcome to BHSEC. We're all prostitutes. –Bard High School Early College, Queens 20-something girl to group of friends: Basically, I was a hooker. –PATH Train Overheard by: Mschuw

Wednesday One-Lions and Tigers and Bears– Oh My!

Giant guy on cell: Yeah, so then I had to undress in front of the biggest goddamn spider in the world. I swear it was judging my dick. (pause) You think my wife'll be pissed? –Outside Central Park Precinct Man on cell: Have the camels gone under the mountain? –45th & 6th Chatty woman tourist: Well, we see ants all the time… at our hotel! –Ant Exhibit, Rain Forest, Central Park Zoo Overheard by: Susan Volchok Woman, about going to Africa: We'll take the dogs with us and feed them to the lions. –1250 Broadway High school girl: I used to think Easter was because a bunny ate a rabbit. –Seasonal Aisle, Rite Aid

How Many Wednesday One-Liners in a Gallon?

Respectable-looking father to very young daughter: I drink it all the time… I love Four Loko, shit gets you fucked up. –Upper West Side Overheard by: Jaz 50-something suit: If I need a break from alcohol, I drink water. And by water I mean beer. And by beer I mean whiskey. And by whiskey I mean vodka. –9th St & Broadway Overheard by: Keith Man, eating: You know, I don't really like to drink water… I mean, it's okay. –Chinatown Thug: Yo, does anyone have any water? I got mad Loko on my hands and mad Loko on my shoes. –Central Park, The Ramble Young girl walking really fast: I know he's gay! But he's open to artificial insemination or copious amounts of vodka. –39th St & 6th Ave

Wednesday One-Liners Don't Want No Scrub.

Mom to children: Don't touch the building! This is a very dirty city! You are going to get really, really sick! –Herald Square Middle aged Italian guy to lady friend on bench: I have a bidet, a portable one where you flip it on and it goes under you and it cleans you. I don't like being dirty. –7th Ave & 9th St, Brooklyn Overheard by: Jon Angry middle aged woman: Anne, when you've got a minute… I'm covered in grease. –49th & 7th Female conductor, over PA system: Do not put your feet on the seats, people! These are seats, not footrests–and you are not the only one who rides this train! You think other passengers wanna sit in the dirt offa your shoes? God, I can't believe I even hafta be tellin' you this! –NJ Transit Overheard by: Morning Glory

WednesDEA One-Liners

Woman waiting for bus at 6:30 am: And he had the nerve to say that I was the biggest drug dealer on the Lower East Side. Me! He only saw me do drugs once! –Broadway & Rutgers St Middle-aged guy: Come on, let's go in and check out the first floor at least… This is the place I used to get high at when I was young! –Limelight Market Ultra-orthodox Jewish kid to friend: These days I only eat kosher when I'm high. –42nd St & 5th Overheard by: Kate Hot 20-something in mini skirt, on cell: It's what I was trying to get at the other night: you're more than just a dealer to me. –6th Ave & 16th St Overheard by: gina 20-something on cell: So I was a waiter, but then I started shooting heroin… –Broadway & 90th St Cute Latina girl on cell: I jus' call Antwone's baby mommy, she flippin' out, thirty-ass bitch (pause) Yeah, Antwone's baby mommy… I'm like, "don't you know your manners, you drug-dealer bitch?" –Stanton & Clinton

Next: Air

Girl: Do diabetics need water?
Guy: Everyone needs water.
Girl: I mean, do they need it particularly? –Prince St Overheard by: Samah

Wasn't This a Seinfeld Episode?

Woman #1: Oh, no!
Woman #2: Out of toilet paper?
Woman #1: Yes!
Woman #2: How much do you need?
Woman #1: A lot? –Ladies Room, Dinosaur BBQ

Not Really, No.

Teenage daughter: Hey, do you want a Klondike Bar?
Mother, singing: What would ya do for a…
Teenage daughter, interrupting: Do you want one or not? –Tribeca

Even Talking About Food Makes Me Fatter

Skinny guy #1: Have you ever seen me eat a slice of koronet?
Skinny guy #2: No. (pause) If I did, we would not be dating. –111th St & Broadway Overheard by: Katrina