Archive for September, 2011

WednesDEA One-Liners

Woman waiting for bus at 6:30 am: And he had the nerve to say that I was the biggest drug dealer on the Lower East Side. Me! He only saw me do drugs once!

–Broadway & Rutgers St

Middle-aged guy: Come on, let's go in and check out the first floor at least… This is the place I used to get high at when I was young!

–Limelight Market

Ultra-orthodox Jewish kid to friend: These days I only eat kosher when I'm high.

–42nd St & 5th

Overheard by: Kate

Hot 20-something in mini skirt, on cell: It's what I was trying to get at the other night: you're more than just a dealer to me.

–6th Ave & 16th St

Overheard by: gina

20-something on cell: So I was a waiter, but then I started shooting heroin…

–Broadway & 90th St

Cute Latina girl on cell: I jus' call Antwone's baby mommy, she flippin' out, thirty-ass bitch (pause) Yeah, Antwone's baby mommy… I'm like, "don't you know your manners, you drug-dealer bitch?"

–Stanton & Clinton


Live Nude Wednesday One-Liners!!!

Neo-yuppie on future phone: I'm not sure who got naked first, it might have been me. But the next thing I know, she's puking, and her boyfriend walks in. Yeah, you're right… I should quit smoking weed.

–Chelsea

Overheard by: reefer addict

Office girl: He was completely naked and covered in poo, and he was yelling out texts in different languages.

–Danspace Project, 10th St

Overheard by: Katarina

Loud obnoxious woman: I saw her boobies and I saw her hoo-ha! I knocked on the bathroom door and she said "come in," and I asked her if that meant she was prepared and covered. Apparently she thought being covered meant having a washcloth on her belly.

–33rd St & Park Ave

Overheard by: TR

30-something shady guy on cell: I'd totally get naked, you know, to make money, if there wasn't a bunch of gay guys involved.

–Church & Chambers


Next: Air

Girl: Do diabetics need water?
Guy: Everyone needs water.
Girl: I mean, do they need it particularly?

–Prince St

Overheard by: Samah


Wasn't This a Seinfeld Episode?

Woman #1: Oh, no!
Woman #2: Out of toilet paper?
Woman #1: Yes!
Woman #2: How much do you need?
Woman #1: A lot?

–Ladies Room, Dinosaur BBQ


Not Really, No.

Teenage daughter: Hey, do you want a Klondike Bar?
Mother, singing: What would ya do for a…
Teenage daughter, interrupting: Do you want one or not?

–Tribeca


Even Talking About Food Makes Me Fatter

Skinny guy #1: Have you ever seen me eat a slice of koronet?
Skinny guy #2: No. (pause) If I did, we would not be dating.

–111th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Katrina


If You Love Something, Let It Go

Guy in long line outside stall: Hurry up, man!
Guy in stall: I can't stop shitting on myself!
Guy in line: I don't care, just hurry the fuck up!
Guy in stall: I've got diarrhea like crazy, guy!

–Bathroom, Penn Station


What?

Smoking dude: The other day I saw in the store “vegetarian eggs”.
Friend: What?
Smoking dude: Yeah. I mean, if they came out of a chicken, they aren't vegetarian.
Friend: Maybe they meant “free range”?
Smoking dude: I got no problem, free-range eggs, kosher eggs, whatever… but they aren't vegetarian.

–Outside Webster Hall

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster


Bavarian Motor Wear Is Hot This Season

Midwestern lady: Oh dear, what a blouse shirt. Where did you get that?
German tourist: Thanks. It's from Germany.
Midwestern lady: Germany? I think I've heard of that designer before. Do they have a shop in New York?

–99 East & 52nd St