Archive for September, 2011

Wednesday One-Liners Don't Want No Scrub.

Mom to children: Don't touch the building! This is a very dirty city! You are going to get really, really sick!

–Herald Square

Middle aged Italian guy to lady friend on bench: I have a bidet, a portable one where you flip it on and it goes under you and it cleans you. I don't like being dirty.

–7th Ave & 9th St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Jon

Angry middle aged woman: Anne, when you've got a minute… I'm covered in grease.

–49th & 7th

Female conductor, over PA system: Do not put your feet on the seats, people! These are seats, not footrests–and you are not the only one who rides this train! You think other passengers wanna sit in the dirt offa your shoes? God, I can't believe I even hafta be tellin' you this!

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Morning Glory


WednesDEA One-Liners

Woman waiting for bus at 6:30 am: And he had the nerve to say that I was the biggest drug dealer on the Lower East Side. Me! He only saw me do drugs once!

–Broadway & Rutgers St

Middle-aged guy: Come on, let's go in and check out the first floor at least… This is the place I used to get high at when I was young!

–Limelight Market

Ultra-orthodox Jewish kid to friend: These days I only eat kosher when I'm high.

–42nd St & 5th

Overheard by: Kate

Hot 20-something in mini skirt, on cell: It's what I was trying to get at the other night: you're more than just a dealer to me.

–6th Ave & 16th St

Overheard by: gina

20-something on cell: So I was a waiter, but then I started shooting heroin…

–Broadway & 90th St

Cute Latina girl on cell: I jus' call Antwone's baby mommy, she flippin' out, thirty-ass bitch (pause) Yeah, Antwone's baby mommy… I'm like, "don't you know your manners, you drug-dealer bitch?"

–Stanton & Clinton


Live Nude Wednesday One-Liners!!!

Neo-yuppie on future phone: I'm not sure who got naked first, it might have been me. But the next thing I know, she's puking, and her boyfriend walks in. Yeah, you're right… I should quit smoking weed.

–Chelsea

Overheard by: reefer addict

Office girl: He was completely naked and covered in poo, and he was yelling out texts in different languages.

–Danspace Project, 10th St

Overheard by: Katarina

Loud obnoxious woman: I saw her boobies and I saw her hoo-ha! I knocked on the bathroom door and she said "come in," and I asked her if that meant she was prepared and covered. Apparently she thought being covered meant having a washcloth on her belly.

–33rd St & Park Ave

Overheard by: TR

30-something shady guy on cell: I'd totally get naked, you know, to make money, if there wasn't a bunch of gay guys involved.

–Church & Chambers


Next: Air

Girl: Do diabetics need water?
Guy: Everyone needs water.
Girl: I mean, do they need it particularly?

–Prince St

Overheard by: Samah


Wasn't This a Seinfeld Episode?

Woman #1: Oh, no!
Woman #2: Out of toilet paper?
Woman #1: Yes!
Woman #2: How much do you need?
Woman #1: A lot?

–Ladies Room, Dinosaur BBQ


Not Really, No.

Teenage daughter: Hey, do you want a Klondike Bar?
Mother, singing: What would ya do for a…
Teenage daughter, interrupting: Do you want one or not?

–Tribeca


Even Talking About Food Makes Me Fatter

Skinny guy #1: Have you ever seen me eat a slice of koronet?
Skinny guy #2: No. (pause) If I did, we would not be dating.

–111th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Katrina


If You Love Something, Let It Go

Guy in long line outside stall: Hurry up, man!
Guy in stall: I can't stop shitting on myself!
Guy in line: I don't care, just hurry the fuck up!
Guy in stall: I've got diarrhea like crazy, guy!

–Bathroom, Penn Station


What?

Smoking dude: The other day I saw in the store “vegetarian eggs”.
Friend: What?
Smoking dude: Yeah. I mean, if they came out of a chicken, they aren't vegetarian.
Friend: Maybe they meant “free range”?
Smoking dude: I got no problem, free-range eggs, kosher eggs, whatever… but they aren't vegetarian.

–Outside Webster Hall

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster