Archive for October, 2011

Wednesday One-Liners for Melanie Chisholm.

Yankee fan to Latin man in Mets jersey and white woman in Yankees t-shirt and hat: Ya'll are really mixed, huh?

–Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: in a mixed couple myself

Student to another: Everybody says they don't have the money but they're the biggest team west of… uh… the East Coast.

–Fordham Road Station

Unfazed Yankees fan, after listening to Red Sox fan trash-talking the Yankees: Yeah, why don't you just go jump in front of this train?

–Crowded Subway to Yankee Stadium

Conductor, after second 20-minute delay: I'm sorry for your delay. If you need to explain why you're late, all I can do is tell you you were on the 8:55 from Flatbush and to check your carriage number. I repeat, we are not moving because there is a sick passenger at Grand Army Plaza that requires medical attention. (pause) In good news: how 'bout dem Jets?

–2 Train


Wednesday One-Liners Like to Watch

Young guy on subway: Yo, I watch VH1 all the time! That's how I know so much about the past.

–1 Train

Man on cell: Going to see the David Letterman show is no big deal. Trust me!

–West 49th St

Overheard by: Michael

Aggressive-looking Bronx chick to friend: And the guy I'm fuckin' was like "yeah, I fucked Snooki once." I was like "you just ruined Jersey Shore for me! I'll never watch that show again. I can never look at Snooki the same!"

–Downtown F Train

Overheard by: Rose

Black guy, abruptly, to nonplussed white girl walking by: You be watchin' Seinfeld at nine o'clock on the Family Channel?

–Clinton & Washington Ave, Bed-Stuy


Winesday One-Liners

Suit on cell: Does the champagne have to be kosher?

–42nd St

Overheard by: Estoye

20-something girl to mother: Church isn't a bar, but it serves wine and crackers!

–46th St & Park Ave

Overheard by: Molly

Guy on cell: Yeah, the doctor said she has like 400 allergies–to things she's been around her whole life. (pause) Like red wine, and chocolate… and the color blue.

–71st St & Broadway

Overheard by: I Should Mind My Own Business

Guy at bar: 3:00 pm on a Friday. It's like the Hooters of wine bars.

–Sweet & Vicious

Overheard by: pandarants


Wednesday One-Liners Up the Yinyang

Pregnant girl: If I knew having a kid would be this hard, I would've started taking it in the ass.

–Bond St

30-something woman: No, Luke, third base is not anal.

–170th St

Overheard by: meg

Angry hobo, after being ignored: Just bein' friendly! They misconstrued friendly for butt sex.

–145th & St. Nicholas

Dad to infant son having rectal temperature taken: Wow, look at him, just sitting there taking it. You really are Greek!

–Pediatric Emergency Room, Brooklyn

Overheard by: laughing parent


So in the Q Train, All You Can Do Is Wait

English girl #1: We need to get to Penn Station! Why isn't this train going any faster!?
English girl #2: Yeah, I thought this train would go faster than the other train.
English girl #3: Oh! I get it! It's the 1 train because it stops every one stop, and the 2 train stops every two stops, and like that, innit?
English girl #1: Oh, yeah.
English girl #2: That's so obvious now.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Ben


We're Sorry Our Submitter Had to See That

Woman #1 : I love the summer.
Woman #2 : Me too.
Woman #1 : Sandals make it easy to grow out my toes.
(woman #2 gives her a confused look, woman #1 directs attention to her foot which had overgrown toenails artfully painted as if it was long fingernails)

–A Train

Overheard by: Jason


Where Love and Need Are One

Gypsy cab driver: Hey, this your first time in New York?
Passenger: No, but it's the first time I've missed a flight.
Gypsy cab driver: Cool, well, look out for cops for me, would you?
Passenger: Sure–looks like the emergency lane is doing you well.

–Interstate from JFK to LGA Airport

Overheard by: Jennie


Is That a Pro Bono in Your Pocket, or Are You Just Glad to See Me?

Middle Eastern guy with only very slight accent, to his lawyer: So do you think the judge will let me out of the contract?
Middle aged white lawyer: Sure. Just say that the interpreter signed the contract without telling you what it said.

–Civil Court, Sutphin Blvd, Jamaica

Overheard by: Big Larry


Paradoxically, He's a Major Douchebag.

Asian chic on the train: My major is sociology.
Guy hitting on the Asian chic: Wow, sociology was my minor!
Friends, in chorus: Hey, almost anything you do you in your life is kinda minor!

–LIRR

Overheard by: geddanyc