Archive for November, 2011

Something About That Offer Does Not Compute.

Creepy old guy: Hey hun, do you know you can get Windows 7.0 for less than $25.
Cute girl: Okay…
Creepy old guy: Alright! Gimme your phone number and I'll help you out.

–25th St & 3rd Ave


I'll Certainly Always Cherish This Moment

Woman to friend she hasn't seen in weeks: Oh, let's get together and…
Friend, cutting her off: I don't roll like that. Either you see or you don't. I don't do that whole, you know, let's plan on seeing each other, let's meet up, let's like, decide that we're going to, like, see each other, you know, stuff. Naw, that ain't me. You see me when you see me.

–Hunter College


And People Milk His Name for All It's Worth.

Four-year-old girl wearing cheese head: Mom, does Jesus have a cheese head, too?
Mom: I don't know. Why do you think he would?
Girl: Because he has 'cheese' in his name.

–Eastern Parkway, Brooklyn on Halloween

Overheard by: brownie


Wednesdays Brush After Every One-Liner

Gay guy to friends: And you know what? His teeth look like chiklets! There, I've said it! It's like he fished in his pocket, grabbed a handful of chiklets, went to a cosmetic dentist and said, "make me a smile!"

–Downtown A Train

Overheard by: Gus

Cotton candy vendor: Hey, yo! Last call for a root canal…

–Yankee Stadium

Old hobo to hot younger woman: Sure would like to hold you, but you got teeth. I wouldn't know what to say. Met some beautiful women in my youth, didn't know what to say to them neither. Should've kept it simple: can I get a kiss?

–6 Train

Overheard by: Christine

Young child: Mom, where are my teeth?

–Lafayette St


Wednesday One-Liners Don't Mean a Thing If They Ain't Got That Bling

Thug, yelling: What you know about antioxidants, son?

–Times Square

Thug to pigeon walking in his path: Yo, move dawg! (pause) Move, nigga!

–Broadway & 17th St

Overheard by: Laughing my ass off

Thug on sample iPhone, in Apple store: Look, you stay on your side of town and I'll stay on my side of town.

–58th & 5th

Overheard by: Caset

Thug on cell: No! Don't interrupt me, man. Don't interrupt me, nigga, I'm trying to tell you how to cook a casserole!

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: Connor A.


Tonight, on a Very Special Wednesday One-Liners

Astute girl to female friend: Honestly, I should have realized we didn't stand a chance when he said that Law & Order: CI was better than SVU.

–Greenwich Ave & W10th

Overheard by: alixthamilton

Pissed drunk guy with crew cut, after exiting restaurant: Fuck! I missed Nancy Grace! Jeezus-Christmas!

–Driggs Ave & Broadway, Williamsburg

Overheard by: T. Myers

Girl in mermaid costume: Get obsessed with something normal, like Star Trek.

–N Train

NYU gay student: I am never watching Adventure Time at 4 in the morning again.

–Weinstein Hall, NYU

Overheard by: MATHEMATICAL!

Angry gangsta on cell: Man! That dude stole my fucking money! I'ma kill that fucking nigga! (pause) After I go watch True Blood at mom's. (pause) Yeah, you can come…

–Port Authority

Overheard by: E.Major


Can't Wait to Miss It

Student #1: What did you do today?
Student #2: I leaked the ABC fall lineup.
Student #1: Oh.

–Tisch School of the Arts

Overheard by: Bruce Lee


Dude, Just Roll With It

Drunk girl trying to flirt with a stranger: Oh my god! No way I have actually met people, that's so funny!
Stranger: Wait… What?

–L Train