Archive for 2011

Wednesday Vaginers

Girl on train: You know sometimes when you feel like your vaginal walls are collapsing in on themselves? –LaGuardia High School Black man to blacker friend: Damn, I done lost plenty a bruthas to the street. But I ain't never lost none to the pussy. –Harlem Overheard by: Missalicious 20-something elegant girl on BlackBerry: No, I *don't* need you in my vagina. But thanks. –23rd & 8th Office-clad lady to another: I felt like my vagina ran from my belly button to the base of my spine! –Ave A & 3rd Overheard by: While on hold with 311 30-something female to friend: Unless she has a head crowning from her cooch, you shouldn't ask that. –12th St & Ave A Woman on cell: Pussy is pussy! It don't matter nigga! (pause] Oh, dammit. Dammit. Oh, dammit. I missed my fucking stop! –M3 Bus, Upper East Side Overheard by: Desiree

Wednesday's Got a Pole Up Its One-Liner

30-something on cell: You remember that shitty fedora that Catherine gave me for my birthday? Well, I gave it to some stripper last night, and I think she just walked by me wearing it. –Greenpoint, Brooklyn Very small, strange Indian man carrying baby, passing gentleman's club: I was in that club last night! –Broadway Guy, slapping fists with hobo: Yo, dude, you my man! So, where are the strip clubs at around here? –82nd St & 2nd Ave Guy on phone, loudly: Son, so we out to the strip club tonight. Listen, I'm on the way to get you, man. The sky is the limit tonight, the sky is the limit! (pause) Listen, if we get caught… I won't say nothin'. You won't say nothing too, right? Right? Man, I'm ready to die with and for you. Aight? Lemme know. –7 Train Overheard by: Cararay Cute 20-something to fiance: Okay, okay. All, I am saying is that I would prefer if no one came home from your bachelor party married to a stripper. I would prefer that. Especially you. –Park Slope

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Sunny Disposition

Conductor: This is Smith 9th Street, and it's a bright sunny day so I trust all you Twilight fans are wearing your sunblock. –F Train Overheard by: Jennifer Suit on cell: It's really gay out there. I'm not talking about the people on the street, I'm talking about the weather. It's really gay weather, it's like god shaking his dick on me. –The Library, 2nd & Ave A Overheard by: Andrew Guy on cell: Yeah, it's like 102 here, and that's not even including the wind chill factor thing. –Christopher St Overheard by: Colleen Cody 20-something to friend: I mean, why do they call it The Perfect Storm if they all died? –Diner, Queens Drunk guy: It's too nice a day for damn detox! –Washington Square Park Overheard by: Michael

Wednesday One-Liners Better Wait to Exhale

Youngish girl to another: Mmm-mmm, everybody got to be on this train like it's the last train to salvation… –Uptown 6 Train, Rush Hour Lady on line picking up tickets from box office: The city's so crowded today, and they all look like slobs. –Merkin Concert Hall, W. 67th St Overheard by: Frank Woman after struggling to get on train through crowd: Get off the damn train, people! Don't just stand there in the way, like Fievel from American Tail! Just standing there staring like 'oh, ah!' get off the damn train! –3 Train Overheard by: Tiger was my favorite character Cool-looking guy: Man! Dis some Ellis Island bullshit up in here! –Megabus Conductor: Okay, folks, I know you can squeeze one more in here. (door closes) Thank you. (pause) Aren't you glad you used dial this morning? Don't you wish everybody did? –LIRR Overheard by: Womanspirit

Well, Yeah, I Think We Just Established That.

Man on sidewalk selling CDs, one of which a woman passing by grabs and walks away with: Hey, I'm selling these things, not giving them away!
Woman: Oh… Well, I don't want it if I have to pay for it, here you go.
Man: But you'll take it, won't you, taker! –Union Square Overheard by: Rich

Ah, Spring in New York!

Passenger #1: Don't sit there!
Passenger #2, looking at lumpy newspaper: What, is it just urine or did somebody take a dump? –N Train

Not the Good Kind That Posts Hot Pictures on the Internet.

Ghetto girl #1: Yeah, they were together for, like, two months…
Ghetto girl #2: Wow, that's a long time…
Ghetto girl #1: Yeah, but that bitch was crazy. She was suicidal, like, you know, the bad kind of suicidal. –B46 Bus

Is This a Pick-up? Discuss.

Old man: Excuse me, but are you a star?
Young man: Nope
Old man: Oh, well, you definitely have star quality.
Young man: Thanks?
Old man: You're welcome. Do you ever get told you look like someone?
Young man: Yes, when I am clean shaven I have been told that I look like Leonardo Di Caprio.
Old man: No, that's not it, you're more like Boy George, or… Wait… Not him, he's creepy… George Michael, yeah that's it! –Rockbar

Billy Decides to Stop Sucking

Mom: Say you're sorry to Billy.
Tiny girl: But I'm not sorry!
Mom: Katy, you apologize right now!
Tiny girl: But you said lying was bad!
Mom: And hitting is bad too! Now say you're sorry!
Tiny girl: I hit him with a stick because he sucks. And he still sucks, so I'm not sorry.
Mom: You hit him with a stick? (grabs Katy and storms over to father on picnic blanket)
Tiny girl, over her mother's shoulder: I'm not sorry, Billy! –Central Park