Archive for 2011

Wednesday One-Liner Liner, Bang Bang

Guy on phone: You know that song, "I kissed a girl and I liked it"? Yeah, that's your mother.

–68th & 1st Ave

Preteen kid to older brother: You kiss boys on the mouth? You're 23 years old! You're supposed to stop doing that shit!

–Planned Parenthood Office, Long Island

Overheard by: amused

Theater major on cell: Nope. No smooching for me. Can't be smooching with these canker sores.

–Wagner College

Overheard by: Ew.

Adult to child: So his body just went into shock. From the kissing, you know. He just couldn't take the cooties. Like, I'm lactose intolerant, my body can't metabolize lactose. Well, his body couldn't metabolize the cooties. Cooties are an enzyme too, you know.

–BX1 Bus

Overheard by: Lynn


Sliding Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor, exasperated: We have a train directly behind this one. Why you are holding the doors, why?

–1 Train

Overheard by: JBeck

Conductor, after unsuccessfully trying to close doors many times: Okay, listen up people… The subway cannot move if the doors can't close. So take a deep breath, suck it in, and when the doors close you can let it out!

–6 Train

Overheard by: Valerie Leventhal

Conductor: Please, ladies and gentlemen, appeal to your sense of humanity and do not block the doorways.

–F Train

Conductor to himself, after leaning out and watching people squeeze through doors: You people are killing me.

–F Train

Overheard by: Adam P. Murphy


Wednesday One-Liners Aren't Just Blowing Smoke Up Your Ass

Hipster guy: Hey, remember that time Dave was in New Haven trying to buy weed and instead they gave him crack?

–F Train

Man shouting on subway platform: There is never a bad time to smoke crack! I ain't never turned down a hit of crack!

–Union Turnpike

Crazy guy: Sociology! Professor, doctor, lawyer! Whoremonger! Crackhead!

–Broadway & Prince

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Agitated man to girlfriend on the verge of tears: No! You aren't listening to me! I never said you were a crackhead!

–1 Train


Wednesday One-Liners Need the Smelling Salts

Girl with big hair: Man, this summer is going to be nuts! I'm going to, like, live in that house! I'm going to pass out in that house!

–PATH

Overheard by: SuchAmbitiousPlans

20-something professional guy on phone: Look man, all I know is that I blacked out, so whatever happened to her after that is in no way my fault.

–Hudson & Charles

Female college-age brat: My roommates tell me they throw up–I never throw up! I pass out before I throw up.

–10th & Ave A

Conductor: Get your tickets out, before you pass out!

–Grand Central Terminal

Overheard by: Nettle


…Like Chewing Tobacco?

Girl: What is that you're smoking? Is that weed?
Boy: No, it's a rolled cigarette, it doesn't have a filter.
Girl: So what does that do, prevent cancer?

–M & 17th

Overheard by: Aja


Without Kids, Adults Wouldn't Need Caffeine

Little boy to dad: Dad, did you get decaf?
Dad: No, darling.
Little sister to dad: Dad, you should have gotten decaf.
Dad: That's true, Dana.
Little sister: Because then you shrink! You go whooooooo! (shrinks to ground wobbling arms up and down)

–New Victory Theatre, 42nd St


…Guess I've Met My Match!

Hipster girl: Hey, man, do you have a light?
Mexican guy, pulling out matches: Yeah, hold up.
Hipster girl, as she lights her cigarette: Matches?
Mexican guy, sarcastically: Yeah, you know how it is, you gotta stay hip. Lighters are wayyy mainstream.
Hipster girl, with a voice of genuine thoughtfulness: You're sooo right!

–Chinatown

Overheard by:


As My T-shirt Clearly States.

Spicy Latina: I was in the airport last week and this guy refused to take off his bag. Refused!
Ghetto man: What kinda bag was it? Backpack? Fanny pack?
Spicy Latina: I don't know what you call it. Himostomy? Hermostomy? He was a guy, so I guess its himostomy. Anyway, I don't blame him. I wouldn't want anyone patting down my bag of pee either!
Ghetto man: Mmm-hmm!

–Downtown R Train


I Got a Handjob Just Last Week!

Crazy hobo to NYU girls discussing why Argo Tea closed early: Hey girls! You're supposed to be talking about more important things.
NYU girl, without skipping a beat: You're supposed to have a job.

–University Ave

Overheard by: NYU student


Aren't You Missing Judge Judy, Sir?

Old guy: Hey you! Yeah, with the backpack. You see this? (points to sign on lamppost) 30 dollars an hour to walk a dog, can you believe that?
College kid: That's expensive.
Old guy: Do you go to college?
College kid: Yeah.
Old guy: For 30 fucking dollars an hour, you should drop out and walk this fucking dog.

–28th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Elan