Archive for 2011

Sliding Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor, exasperated: We have a train directly behind this one. Why you are holding the doors, why?

–1 Train

Overheard by: JBeck

Conductor, after unsuccessfully trying to close doors many times: Okay, listen up people… The subway cannot move if the doors can't close. So take a deep breath, suck it in, and when the doors close you can let it out!

–6 Train

Overheard by: Valerie Leventhal

Conductor: Please, ladies and gentlemen, appeal to your sense of humanity and do not block the doorways.

–F Train

Conductor to himself, after leaning out and watching people squeeze through doors: You people are killing me.

–F Train

Overheard by: Adam P. Murphy


Wednesday One-Liners Aren't Just Blowing Smoke Up Your Ass

Hipster guy: Hey, remember that time Dave was in New Haven trying to buy weed and instead they gave him crack?

–F Train

Man shouting on subway platform: There is never a bad time to smoke crack! I ain't never turned down a hit of crack!

–Union Turnpike

Crazy guy: Sociology! Professor, doctor, lawyer! Whoremonger! Crackhead!

–Broadway & Prince

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Agitated man to girlfriend on the verge of tears: No! You aren't listening to me! I never said you were a crackhead!

–1 Train


…Like Chewing Tobacco?

Girl: What is that you're smoking? Is that weed?
Boy: No, it's a rolled cigarette, it doesn't have a filter.
Girl: So what does that do, prevent cancer?

–M & 17th

Overheard by: Aja


Without Kids, Adults Wouldn't Need Caffeine

Little boy to dad: Dad, did you get decaf?
Dad: No, darling.
Little sister to dad: Dad, you should have gotten decaf.
Dad: That's true, Dana.
Little sister: Because then you shrink! You go whooooooo! (shrinks to ground wobbling arms up and down)

–New Victory Theatre, 42nd St


…Guess I've Met My Match!

Hipster girl: Hey, man, do you have a light?
Mexican guy, pulling out matches: Yeah, hold up.
Hipster girl, as she lights her cigarette: Matches?
Mexican guy, sarcastically: Yeah, you know how it is, you gotta stay hip. Lighters are wayyy mainstream.
Hipster girl, with a voice of genuine thoughtfulness: You're sooo right!

–Chinatown

Overheard by:


As My T-shirt Clearly States.

Spicy Latina: I was in the airport last week and this guy refused to take off his bag. Refused!
Ghetto man: What kinda bag was it? Backpack? Fanny pack?
Spicy Latina: I don't know what you call it. Himostomy? Hermostomy? He was a guy, so I guess its himostomy. Anyway, I don't blame him. I wouldn't want anyone patting down my bag of pee either!
Ghetto man: Mmm-hmm!

–Downtown R Train


I Got a Handjob Just Last Week!

Crazy hobo to NYU girls discussing why Argo Tea closed early: Hey girls! You're supposed to be talking about more important things.
NYU girl, without skipping a beat: You're supposed to have a job.

–University Ave

Overheard by: NYU student


Aren't You Missing Judge Judy, Sir?

Old guy: Hey you! Yeah, with the backpack. You see this? (points to sign on lamppost) 30 dollars an hour to walk a dog, can you believe that?
College kid: That's expensive.
Old guy: Do you go to college?
College kid: Yeah.
Old guy: For 30 fucking dollars an hour, you should drop out and walk this fucking dog.

–28th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Elan