Archive for 2011

Wednesday 4:20-Liners

Teenager in oversized sweatpants: When I smoke pot, it just helps me unclench my butthole.

–Sheepshead Bay, Brooklyn

Overheard by: POLA

Undergrad: Those were weed brownies? That's why I felt so weird!

–Butler Library, Columbia University

College boy on cell: The way I see it, with the amount of money I have, I can either get two pills, which doesn't even get me that fucked up anymore, or I can just buy a shitload of weed.

–Port Authority Bus Terminal

Stoner to orthodox Jew: Hanukkah? Marijuanica.

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: Nora Claire

Fifty Bucks Gets You to the Top Of the Wednesday One-Liner

Tourist mom, pointing towards Empire State Building: I think that's the Twin Towers.

–32nd & 5th

Drunkish woman, looking at Empire State Building: I mean, the Empire isn't that nice. It's just well-lit and very, very tall.

–34th St & 8th Ave

30-year-old on cell: Some tourist fuck was standing on 36th and 5th, looking at the Empire State Building, and he goes, "that's not that big!" I wanted to punch his fucking face in when he said that. If I wasn't with my nephew I might have…

–Grand Central Station

Overheard by: Dan

Blond lady to husband, at the top of Empire State Building: Wow, this is like the view from our place!

–Empire State Building

Overheard by: Andrea

Brother, Can You Spare a Wednesday One-Liner?

Guy collecting for United Homeless Organization: Please, ladies and gentlemen, give what you can. Ladies and gentlemen, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda…

–Union Square

Angry lady in front of people calling for donations to the Salvation Army: Oh, no, don't you pull this shit with me!

–Times Square

Black guy manning homeless charity table: Help feed the homeless! (sees hot black chick walking by) Damn, baby!

–Union Square

Wednesday One-Liners Aren't Limited to the Earth Plane

Serene yoga instructor: And what I want you all to do now it tuck your tail bone. What is tucking your tailbone exactly? It's kind of like humping the floor. (pause) I'm sorry, that's the best way I can describe it.

–St. Mark's

Guy on cell: I just went to the psychic and she says you're going to have a wonderful new start in Israel!

–F Train

Overheard by: halcyon

Teen girl to bored friend: No, I swear to god. It's like I've got a fifth sense or something. Psychic-kinesis. I can write words in my mind!

–91st & Columbus

20-something on phone: So I told her I started this thing where I read her horoscope in the morning, before I talk to her, to see if she'll have a good day or not, because she's so bipolar. I'm so over it.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Lizzington

It's Not the Size Of the Wednesday — It's How You One-Liner It.

Guy to friend: He's like the size of a small child… Standing on the shoulders of another small child.

–2nd Ave & 9th St

Overheard by: Harrison

Black girl to herself, standing alone in front of a bodega: I'm tall, right?

–West Village

Overheard by: erkala

Teen girl to another: And he was fluffy, all of his hugeness was fluffy…

–Union Square

Overheard by: Anna

Six-foot-four guy: It's not everyday a six-foot-four guy walks into her life.

–8th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Wednesdandrogynous One-Liners

Female customer: Is there a lock on the men's bathroom? Can I use it? No? Why?

–Best Buy, Union Square

Street vendor: That's a huh-morphradite. That's not the same thing we talkin' about.

–Court St & Livingston St

Overheard by: Jon A.

Man to construction worker, waving people across street: That's women's work!

–12th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: David

Chick: But he was only a c-cup…

–Marseille, Hell's Kitchen

Overheard by: Ladle

Tiny 14-year-old girl: I need a penis, yo!

–Bard High School, Queens

Overheard by: Sunny

Who Needs a iPod When You Have the City?

Male conductor: This is 145th Street. Next stop, 155th Street.
(doors never open)
Female conductor
: Open the doors!

Male conductor: It ain't working!
Female conductor: Don't you remember anything?
Male conductor: Fuck this shit! I don't care about this fucking job. Ya'll are a joke. Ya'll don't fucking listen to me when I say this shit ain't working right!
Female conductor: Push this button!
(doors open)
Female conductor
: No shit.

–D Train

Overheard by: loveNYCtransitworkers

Ooo, I Like a Guy Who's Family Oriented!

Guy. hitting on girl: When I do something, I do something big. Like when I take you out to eat, we're not gonna go to McDonald's.
Girl, flattered: Oh yeah? Where are you gonna take me?
Guy, boasting: Olive Garden!

–Uptown 4 Train

Wouldn't It Be More Accurate to Say I Make You Nauseous

Woman: She's having morning sickness, but only in the evening.
Man: Wouldn't it be more accurate to just say she gets nauseous in the evening?
Woman, after pause: And then you complain you have no friends.


Overheard by: Big Larry

Judge Starr Loves the DNA

Defendant to officer: How do you think I'm doing?
Officer: Pretty good, but that pesky DNA might be a problem.

–Manhattan Supreme Court