Archive for 2011

See, This Is What I Heart About It!

Daughter: I want one of those.
Mother: What? You are a New Yorker and not some dumb tourist! Why the hell would you want an “I Heart New York” t-shirt?

–4 Train

Overheard by: The innocent bystander of your life


For Gringos, Salsa's More Like Falling Off a Bike

Man #1, after car drives blasting music: Do you know how to salsa?
Man #2: I used to.
Man #1: What do you mean you used to? It's like riding a bike. If you ever learned it you can do it now. You ain't never learned how to salsa, man.

–97th St & Park Ave

Overheard by: Alex Barash


Some Seedy Wednesday One-Liners

College girl to friend: I feel like everyone who doesn't like mayonnaise had a bad experience with jizz.

–Stillwater Bar

College girl: My mom told me not to get married, and then when I'm 30 she'll buy me sperm so I can have kids. She told me, "you don't need a man!" But the old fashion way is so much more fun than a turkey baster…

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Sammi G

Girl to her friend: If Brittany was composed of three things, it would be jizz, tears, and glitter.

–86th St & Broadway

Overheard by: DAR

Trashy hot girl to friend: Whatever! By the end of the night you had what you needed to be his baby's momma running down your chin. Do you think he'll let you get that close again?

–1 Train


What's Eating Wednesday One-Liners?

Little girl to babysitter: If there's one person I would want to eat in this whole world it would be Santa Claus. I bet he tastes like mint… and candy. Or maybe the Easter bunny. He probably tastes like prizes.

–72nd St & 3rd

Overheard by: TA who hears everything

Girl: Right? A good assessment of my family is: we eat our young.

–Brooklyn Botanical Garden

Shirtless crazy man walking behind heavy set woman: I would love to eat that ass! Suck it real good…

–Q Train

Overheard by: baconista

20-something: No, I can't take a later flight–apparently I have an ass-chewing first thing in the morning!

–LaGuardia Airport

Grocery-carrying mom to tantrum-throwing boy: You scream one mo' time, I slap yo' butt on this here wonder bread and we be eatin' you fo' lunch all week! (little boy sits down quietly and folds his mittens)

–F Train


…We're Talking About Menudo, Right?

Suit on phone: And that party last night… I thought I was eating soup, but I guess I wasn't…
Random woman walking by: Oh, hun… I'm sure it was much better than soup…

–Herald Square

Overheard by: Aly


…Didn't You Get the Flowchart I Emailed You?

Teenage girl #1: I'm not emo, I'm scene. There is a difference.
Teenage girl #2: What's the difference?
Teenage girl #1: Scene is not the same as emo. Scene is basically emo, but you don't cut yourself. I'm scene.

–D Train


Don't Drop the NAMBL-A-Bomb on Me, Missy!

Fabulous guy: Oh please, you don't know shit about World War II.
Fat girl: Hey, my grandpa served in World War II!
Fabulous guy: What was he? The fat man?
Fat girl: If you had your way, he'd be the little boy.

–Times Square


That's Not What Eye-Fucking Means, Ashley

Girl #1, rubbing her eye: Another good thing about you being a lesbian is that you never have to worry about getting semen in your eye. It hurt like a motherfucker, like nothing else. A deep pain.
Girl #2: Like your eye was being fucked?
Girl #1: By someone really mean.
Girl #2: No, like… Did it think your eye was an egg?

–Brooklyn