Archive for 2011

I Can't Wait to Score a Rich Guy and Pump Out Babies

College girl: You can ask the question about the Trojan War. I hate the Trojan War. I'm like, “Why are we studying a war that probably didn't even happen?”
Friend: Yeah. I hate King Lear. I didn't even really read it. I Sparknoted that whole thing.

–3 Train


In Wednesday One-Liner We Trust

Preteen boy, seriously, to preteen guy friend: Trust me. Trust that I know what's best for you.

–Metro North

Creepy Upper West Side guy: I only trust Asians up to a certain degree, but I trust Charles a lot.

–74th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Young man to another young man: If you're a bottom, you don't want it to be a marathon. Trust me.

–8th Ave & 23rd St

Guy behind me: Nah man, I don't trust him. Plus, he fucks his own mother. That only happens in Tennessee.

–Houston & Ludlow

Overheard by: 1:52 AM


Low-Rise Wednesday One-Liners

Waspy male NYU student in hushed voice: No, mom, I do not want you to send me my man thong!

–Central Park

Overheard by: Sarah

Laughing woman to cop: And then I told him I'd put curry in his underwear!

–TD Bank, 52nd & 3rd

Woman on phone: So you should bring a suit and jacket. (pause) Yes you must bring socks. (pause) I guess underwear is optional.

–E 86th St

Overheard by: comando suit

30-something chick on phone: Jen sent her a burka from Afghanistan and I was like "Yeah, remember this isn't a kilt–you gotta wear panties under that shit."

–7 Train

Overheard by: talker's remorse


Wednesday Doesn't Want a Whole Bunch Of Little One-Liners Running Around

College girl: Why would I show my condom collection to my mother?

–E 14th St

Guy selling Obama condoms: It's a election, erection, collection for your protection.

–Times Square

Girl, stopping in the middle of crowded street, yelling into phone: Wait! How much did your NuvaRing cost?

–Outside Grand Central Statioin

Preppie boy to preppie girl: Well, it was really good until the condom broke.

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: emily

Girl to boyfriend frantically searching Plan B: Slow down! Geez, we have 72 hours…

–Duane Reade

Overheard by: Jules


All the Best-Looking Ones Are Either Wednesdays or One-Liners

Guy on phone: Where is he? What? He's dead? He died? What? He's gay? I though you said that he died! Everyone knows he's gay! Are you crying because he's gay-gay?

–Q Train

Overheard by: Claire

Girl: She's so far in the closet she can see Narnia.

–Bard High School, Queens

Overheard by: Sunny

30-something Asian girl to friend: Actually, Mardi Gras is for gays as well, right?

–3rd Ave & 13th St

Male dancer to two female dancers: I feel like I've brought down the mood. How about this? I'm gay and you're fabulous. Is that better?

–13th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Morgan

NYPD officer: I wanna fuck a gay guy.

–Times Square


A Tall Drink O' Wedneday One-Liner

Man on cell: I started Jamba Juice night, and I can end it!

–GMHC Building

Guy on cell: What about poison? Clear poison? Mix a little in her Diet Coke.

–Central Park

Male barista to another: Girrrl, I just had two Red Bulls. Do you see how big my eyes are right now? I'm messed up!

–Starbucks

Fireman leaving Duane Reade holding soda: Don't buy soda in there, it's really expensive.

–Broadway & 103rd St

Teenage guy, walking in store with two pet snakes wrapped around his shoulders: I want a snake-a-lotta! (everyone ignores him, and he walks out)

–The Bronx


Just Wait 'til They Learn to Send Pictures.

Teen girl #1: Grandparents should not send text messages. What does that even say?
Teen girl #2, reading message: I'm guessing that word there means 'vodka.' Wait, what?

–2nd Ave & 34th Street


A Brush with Greatness

Teenage boy #1: So I heard you touched Squish's boob…
Teenage boy #2: Not on purpose.
Teenage boy #1: Whoa, there!
Teenage boy #2: I tripped over my foot and my hand just happened to be there. It was more like a boob to hand high five.
Teenage boy #1: Way to go, man!

–72nd St & 2nd Ave